Even ghosts get tired and go home (1/?)
I started working on this after a comment on my bloody valentine where a person wondered what Sungmin would do after this and that got me thinking.[ link for MBV]
So at first it started out as simply a Sungmin!Focus but slowly evolved into a HaeMin so. I am working on chapter 13 now and it is planned to be 18/19 chapters. :)
It is basically romance/angst which appears to be my specialty
TW; Cutting, drugs, alcohol, depression, foul language
there will be sexual content too hehe,
Chapter 1: Nightmares
[ 1]-[ 2]-[ 3]-[ 4]-[ 5]- [6]-[ 7]-[ 8]-[ 9]-[ 10]-[ 11] - [12]- [13]
The wind tore across his face, ripping at his skin as he stood immobile. Staring at the casket in front of him, the pictures and the flowers. He took a deep, shaky breath and blinked away a few tears. Not many had showed up to the funeral. It was him, Kyuhyun's parents, a few of Kyuhyun's friends and some family friends, at tops 15 people. No one else wanted to mourn the death of a murderer, a murderer who killed two people before committing suicide. But Sungmin did, oh how Sungmin mourned the death of his bloody valentine.
He glanced over at his best friends parents who shot him a small smile, patted his shoulder, murmured a small "thank you for coming", before they turned their backs from the now covered grave, walking away. Sungmin however couldn't. He just stood there. Staring. Wishing.
Wishing it had all turned out different, wishing he could've stopped Kyuhyun. Wishing he could have saved him. He squeezed his eyes shut, a small stream of tears running down his face. He was hurt, unlike ever before, this was nothing like before, nothing could compare to this. The world had collapsed on top of him, everything he knew, everything he believed in, everything. Gone to waste. The bitter taste of iron spread into his mouth as he frowned a little, spluttering out a silent 'dammit' as he noticed he bit a hole in his cheek.
He stood staring for 10 minutes, maybe more, until everyone had left, well everyone except one person. Sungmin looked up at the man standing 10 feet away, staring at the grave. He wore a black trench coat, had black tufty hair almost covering his eyes and his hands stuffed into his pockets. Slow steps forward until he stood next to him, not saying a word as he glanced up and their eyes met.
Yesung.
He forced a small smile and nodded a little as he shuddered slightly at the cold.
"Pity," Yesung's voice was low and hoarse and all Sungmin did was nod, afraid to speak, doubting his voice would make a sound.
"I knew you two were close," he looked at Sungmin with furrowed brows and a sad frown on his face, his eyes weary and heavy-lidded and Sungmin nodded, pursing his lips tight together as he silently cried, taking a few seconds before daring to open his mouth.
"We were," was all he said, all he could say, what more was there to say? That he loved him? That Kyuhyun was his everything and more?
No. Nothing. There was nothing more to say.
So they said nothing, neither Sungmin nor Yesung uttered a word as the wind gripped onto their clothes, pulling and tugging at them on this cold winter morning.
"Want to go back to my place? Have some coffee?" Yesung didn't look at him as he spoke, his soft words comforting Sungmin just slightly as he nodded.
"Yeah, that... Sounds good," his words were meek, almost inaudible but apparently enough for Yesung to hear them.
"My car is over here," he followed in silence, his eyes focused on the ground and each step he took, his own footsteps seemed to echo as the rest of the world dazed out. Kyuhyun was dead. Gone. Never coming back.
Dead.
And Sungmin bit onto his lip, digging his teeth into his own flesh to fight the tears back again, he cried so much. Every day since it happened, every day for two weeks, every second of walking through their dorm room, seeing his clothes spread over the room, his toiletries in the bathroom, his dirty coffee mug next to his still running laptop, he didn't want to turn it off, he didn't want to give up. It made it too real. Sungmin had slept in Kyuhyun's bed, in his covers, covered in his scent, everything around him was Kyuhyun and there he was, all alone, Kyuhyun was no more and Sungmin cried, it seemed like he never stopped crying.
"You loved him didn't you?"
Sungmin looked at Yesung with a slight raise to his brows, his hands clasped in his lap as he waited for the car to move and slowly he nodded.
.
"I know what you feel... How it feels... To lose someone you love," Sungmin tilted his head just a tad as he noticed Yesung's fingers squeezing the wheel hard, his knuckles whitening slowly as he kept his eyes ahead, focused, no emotions in his face.
"What?" And Yesung sighed a little and shifted in his seat, his head briefly lolling to the side as he pushed his brows into a troubled expression.
"My girlfriend... Or well former, I guess," he took small pauses between the fragments, moving his lips as to formulate the sentences in his head before saying them aloud.*
"I'm sorry to hear that... What happened?" Sungmin asked, hoping he didn't push any buttons or trigger something in Yesung because, in all fairness, Sungmin didn't know Yesung all that well, he went to his parties and they were acquaintances. But Yesung was always Kyuhyun's friend.
"She was murdered," and Sungmin held his breath, nodding ever so slightly as he turned his gaze to look out his window, watching the landscape and buildings flash by to the sound of the engine's small humming.
"And it was my fault," Sungmin's eyes darted back to Yesung.
"How," he swore internally, stop prying, Lee Sungmin. Stop asking questions and shut up. But Yesung just shook his head.
"I had problems with this guy... she got caught in the cross fire," Sungmin inhaled a sharp breath, nodding a little.
"That's... I'm sorry for you," he looked back down at his hands, playing a little with his own fingers, glancing out the window again. Who would have thought this is where he'd end up. Who would have thought that he would have to bury his best friend before they even turned 20?
And his lip quivered again, breathe, Sungmin, breathe, a shaky breath, closed eyes, his shoulders jolting as he sobbed silently before he felt a slight pressure over his shoulder. Yesung shot him a soft look, a small smile across his lips, his hand squeezing Sungmin's shoulder, like he was telling him it's okay, you're allowed to cry, you're allowed to mourn, you're allowed to be hurt. Sungmin's focus was torn away as they pulled up at the campus, everything looking dull, everything boring, gray, dead, just like Kyuhyun.
It had started snowing again and Sungmin poked around with his shoe in the snow, stomping it a little before Yesung came up at his side again, smiling a little before starting to walk. They kept their eyes ahead, not speaking; their hands in their pockets, and people stared.
And whispered, pointed, spoke dirty words.
They were talking about Kyuhyun. Sungmin.
Rumors were traveling that Sungmin was in on it, it was his idea. That murderer's best friend.
He had to fight the urge to scream, to yell at them, to tell them they were unworthy of saying Kyuhyun's name. Sungmin wasn't delusional, he didn't glorify what Kyuhyun had done, but he also knew that Kyuhyun wasn't a bad person, he wasn't horrible and he wasn't a murderous psycho. He was just Kyuhyun. Just that.
"Hey!" he didn't register that whoever was talking was calling for him, but he looked up, his eyebrows raised as he looked into a pair of big brown eyes, he recognized his face but couldn't figure out from where.
"You're Sungmin? Lee Sungmin?" and he nodded
"And you are?" His voice was still weak and he sounded ridiculous.
"Donghae, Lee Donghae," Sungmin's eyes widened, he knew from where he knew this person. Donghae, Hyukjae's other half. He let a curse slip his lips.
"Yeah... figure you know who I am," Donghae's voice was filled with accusation, anger, sadness and hatred.
"I'm sorry..." What was he apologizing for? He didn't kill Hyukjae, Sungmin hadn't done anything wrong.
"Yeah... You best be!" Donghae's eyes were bloodshot and puffy, as if he had been crying. Of course he had been crying. Sungmin just shook his head
"Look man, I... What do you want from me?" He was tired. Sick and tired of people laying the shame on top of him.
"You went to his funeral? After what he did you still feel bad that he's dead? I say good riddance," Sungmin clenched his fists in his pockets, digging his nails into his own skin as he stared at Donghae.
"He was my friend," he sounded pathetic. Like a child caught red handed then trying to cover it up with a shitty excuse.
"What kind of person can be friends with a psycho like that?" Donghae spat out the words, each letter dripping with spite and Sungmin fought with his emotions. He was angry and sad, he was hurt and heart broken, most of all he was not up for this.
"I..," Sungmin started and Donghae took a step forward before Yesung stepped in between, the older one of them all had been silent the entire time.
"Back off," his voice was calm and steady, decisive and authoritarian. Donghae scoffed, pushing Yesung's hand off his chest
"Oh so now you're friends with this psycho?!" Donghae shouted and Yesung raised his voice again.
"Back. Off," he glared at Donghae, grabbed Sungmin by the arm and tugged him along, never adverting his eyes from Donghae's figure where he stood still on the grass, his lip curved upwards in an angry frown.
"Thank you," Sungmin's eyebrows were lowered, pushed down into a sad face, his lips chapped and dry as he looked at Yesung who just shook his head.
"It was nothing,"
They kept walking over the campus to the far end of it, eventually arriving at Yesung's apartment in the cultural majors dorm. Still under silence the two men walked up the steps to Yesung's front door. Sungmin watched as he slid the key into the lock and opened the door, a small nod from his side before he stepped inside, stepping out of his shoes and hanging his coat on a hook by the door.
And suddenly he felt a lump in his throat, he remembered that party two weeks ago, When he and Kyuhyun had sex, it was the last time he saw Kyuhyun. Alive, that was.
,
"Is everything alright?" Sungmin nodded again, pursing his lips as he looked around, he had actually never been inside Yesung's apartment during daytime.
"Have a seat, do you want coffee or something?" Yesung was shaking his head lightly, drying off his hair that had gotten slightly wet from the snowfall earlier during the day. He sighed heavily and walked through the living room, glancing at Sungmin where he had found a place on the couch.
"Coffee is good. With milk," and Yesung answered a short 'okay' before wandering into the kitchen, presumably putting on the coffee machine and maybe cleaning some shit up from the sound of it. Sungmin twirled his fingers nervously and took a hitched breath through his nose before exhaling through his mouth, his hands shaking just a bit in his lap before he clasped them at his side, tilting his head up when Yesung entered the room with two coffee cups.
"Thank you," and they were silent again. The entire room was silent except from the occasional clinking noise of Sungmin twirling his spoon in the hot liquid.
"I can't do this anymore," Yesung groaned and Sungmin looked up at him, his brows pushed together into a quizzical frown. Confusion struck over his entire face as Yesung shook his head before speaking up again.
"That night... When Kyuhyun killed... When it happened," silence again, Yesung shifting in his seat, obviously discomforted as he exhaled heavily.
"I knew... What he was doing... I knew,"
"What?" Sungmin's eyes widened and his lips were parted in a shocked expression, he stared at the man on the arm chair in front of him, unknowing of his own change of expression which had left him looking at Yesung with an angry look in his eyes.
"I tried to talk him out of it... I really did but he, he was unreachable and... Even if I had stopped him that Saturday he would have tried again, I'm sorry Sungmin... Something snapped in him, something," and he sighed "was very wrong with Kyuhyun at the end," not one word came out from Sungmin's mouth, not one sound, nothing, just a blank stare at Yesung.
"I'm truly sorry I am," and his expression was pained, his face struck with grief, his lips quivering, hands fidgeting trying to find some kind of occupation to keep him from clawing at his legs.
"What does it matter," Sungmin's voice was quiet, almost a whisper, filled to the brim with defeat and sadness, and he shrugged. "I think I knew it too... The things he searched on the computer, it was just... he... I don't know what happened to him."
And they were quiet again, two broken people staring into coffee cups one cold February afternoon, praying that things could get unbroken.
NEXT
A/N:
* The event Yesung is talking about is depicted in my oneshot La Petite Mort [ x]
So this was chapter 1, I might upload chapter 2 later this week and then continue with perhaps 1-2 updates per week,
please leave a comment and tell me what you think of it <3
So at first it started out as simply a Sungmin!Focus but slowly evolved into a HaeMin so. I am working on chapter 13 now and it is planned to be 18/19 chapters. :)
It is basically romance/angst which appears to be my specialty
TW; Cutting, drugs, alcohol, depression, foul language
there will be sexual content too hehe,
Chapter 1: Nightmares
[ 1]-[ 2]-[ 3]-[ 4]-[ 5]- [6]-[ 7]-[ 8]-[ 9]-[ 10]-[ 11] - [12]- [13]
The wind tore across his face, ripping at his skin as he stood immobile. Staring at the casket in front of him, the pictures and the flowers. He took a deep, shaky breath and blinked away a few tears. Not many had showed up to the funeral. It was him, Kyuhyun's parents, a few of Kyuhyun's friends and some family friends, at tops 15 people. No one else wanted to mourn the death of a murderer, a murderer who killed two people before committing suicide. But Sungmin did, oh how Sungmin mourned the death of his bloody valentine.
He glanced over at his best friends parents who shot him a small smile, patted his shoulder, murmured a small "thank you for coming", before they turned their backs from the now covered grave, walking away. Sungmin however couldn't. He just stood there. Staring. Wishing.
Wishing it had all turned out different, wishing he could've stopped Kyuhyun. Wishing he could have saved him. He squeezed his eyes shut, a small stream of tears running down his face. He was hurt, unlike ever before, this was nothing like before, nothing could compare to this. The world had collapsed on top of him, everything he knew, everything he believed in, everything. Gone to waste. The bitter taste of iron spread into his mouth as he frowned a little, spluttering out a silent 'dammit' as he noticed he bit a hole in his cheek.
He stood staring for 10 minutes, maybe more, until everyone had left, well everyone except one person. Sungmin looked up at the man standing 10 feet away, staring at the grave. He wore a black trench coat, had black tufty hair almost covering his eyes and his hands stuffed into his pockets. Slow steps forward until he stood next to him, not saying a word as he glanced up and their eyes met.
Yesung.
He forced a small smile and nodded a little as he shuddered slightly at the cold.
"Pity," Yesung's voice was low and hoarse and all Sungmin did was nod, afraid to speak, doubting his voice would make a sound.
"I knew you two were close," he looked at Sungmin with furrowed brows and a sad frown on his face, his eyes weary and heavy-lidded and Sungmin nodded, pursing his lips tight together as he silently cried, taking a few seconds before daring to open his mouth.
"We were," was all he said, all he could say, what more was there to say? That he loved him? That Kyuhyun was his everything and more?
No. Nothing. There was nothing more to say.
So they said nothing, neither Sungmin nor Yesung uttered a word as the wind gripped onto their clothes, pulling and tugging at them on this cold winter morning.
"Want to go back to my place? Have some coffee?" Yesung didn't look at him as he spoke, his soft words comforting Sungmin just slightly as he nodded.
"Yeah, that... Sounds good," his words were meek, almost inaudible but apparently enough for Yesung to hear them.
"My car is over here," he followed in silence, his eyes focused on the ground and each step he took, his own footsteps seemed to echo as the rest of the world dazed out. Kyuhyun was dead. Gone. Never coming back.
Dead.
And Sungmin bit onto his lip, digging his teeth into his own flesh to fight the tears back again, he cried so much. Every day since it happened, every day for two weeks, every second of walking through their dorm room, seeing his clothes spread over the room, his toiletries in the bathroom, his dirty coffee mug next to his still running laptop, he didn't want to turn it off, he didn't want to give up. It made it too real. Sungmin had slept in Kyuhyun's bed, in his covers, covered in his scent, everything around him was Kyuhyun and there he was, all alone, Kyuhyun was no more and Sungmin cried, it seemed like he never stopped crying.
"You loved him didn't you?"
Sungmin looked at Yesung with a slight raise to his brows, his hands clasped in his lap as he waited for the car to move and slowly he nodded.
.
"I know what you feel... How it feels... To lose someone you love," Sungmin tilted his head just a tad as he noticed Yesung's fingers squeezing the wheel hard, his knuckles whitening slowly as he kept his eyes ahead, focused, no emotions in his face.
"What?" And Yesung sighed a little and shifted in his seat, his head briefly lolling to the side as he pushed his brows into a troubled expression.
"My girlfriend... Or well former, I guess," he took small pauses between the fragments, moving his lips as to formulate the sentences in his head before saying them aloud.*
"I'm sorry to hear that... What happened?" Sungmin asked, hoping he didn't push any buttons or trigger something in Yesung because, in all fairness, Sungmin didn't know Yesung all that well, he went to his parties and they were acquaintances. But Yesung was always Kyuhyun's friend.
"She was murdered," and Sungmin held his breath, nodding ever so slightly as he turned his gaze to look out his window, watching the landscape and buildings flash by to the sound of the engine's small humming.
"And it was my fault," Sungmin's eyes darted back to Yesung.
"How," he swore internally, stop prying, Lee Sungmin. Stop asking questions and shut up. But Yesung just shook his head.
"I had problems with this guy... she got caught in the cross fire," Sungmin inhaled a sharp breath, nodding a little.
"That's... I'm sorry for you," he looked back down at his hands, playing a little with his own fingers, glancing out the window again. Who would have thought this is where he'd end up. Who would have thought that he would have to bury his best friend before they even turned 20?
And his lip quivered again, breathe, Sungmin, breathe, a shaky breath, closed eyes, his shoulders jolting as he sobbed silently before he felt a slight pressure over his shoulder. Yesung shot him a soft look, a small smile across his lips, his hand squeezing Sungmin's shoulder, like he was telling him it's okay, you're allowed to cry, you're allowed to mourn, you're allowed to be hurt. Sungmin's focus was torn away as they pulled up at the campus, everything looking dull, everything boring, gray, dead, just like Kyuhyun.
It had started snowing again and Sungmin poked around with his shoe in the snow, stomping it a little before Yesung came up at his side again, smiling a little before starting to walk. They kept their eyes ahead, not speaking; their hands in their pockets, and people stared.
And whispered, pointed, spoke dirty words.
They were talking about Kyuhyun. Sungmin.
Rumors were traveling that Sungmin was in on it, it was his idea. That murderer's best friend.
He had to fight the urge to scream, to yell at them, to tell them they were unworthy of saying Kyuhyun's name. Sungmin wasn't delusional, he didn't glorify what Kyuhyun had done, but he also knew that Kyuhyun wasn't a bad person, he wasn't horrible and he wasn't a murderous psycho. He was just Kyuhyun. Just that.
"Hey!" he didn't register that whoever was talking was calling for him, but he looked up, his eyebrows raised as he looked into a pair of big brown eyes, he recognized his face but couldn't figure out from where.
"You're Sungmin? Lee Sungmin?" and he nodded
"And you are?" His voice was still weak and he sounded ridiculous.
"Donghae, Lee Donghae," Sungmin's eyes widened, he knew from where he knew this person. Donghae, Hyukjae's other half. He let a curse slip his lips.
"Yeah... figure you know who I am," Donghae's voice was filled with accusation, anger, sadness and hatred.
"I'm sorry..." What was he apologizing for? He didn't kill Hyukjae, Sungmin hadn't done anything wrong.
"Yeah... You best be!" Donghae's eyes were bloodshot and puffy, as if he had been crying. Of course he had been crying. Sungmin just shook his head
"Look man, I... What do you want from me?" He was tired. Sick and tired of people laying the shame on top of him.
"You went to his funeral? After what he did you still feel bad that he's dead? I say good riddance," Sungmin clenched his fists in his pockets, digging his nails into his own skin as he stared at Donghae.
"He was my friend," he sounded pathetic. Like a child caught red handed then trying to cover it up with a shitty excuse.
"What kind of person can be friends with a psycho like that?" Donghae spat out the words, each letter dripping with spite and Sungmin fought with his emotions. He was angry and sad, he was hurt and heart broken, most of all he was not up for this.
"I..," Sungmin started and Donghae took a step forward before Yesung stepped in between, the older one of them all had been silent the entire time.
"Back off," his voice was calm and steady, decisive and authoritarian. Donghae scoffed, pushing Yesung's hand off his chest
"Oh so now you're friends with this psycho?!" Donghae shouted and Yesung raised his voice again.
"Back. Off," he glared at Donghae, grabbed Sungmin by the arm and tugged him along, never adverting his eyes from Donghae's figure where he stood still on the grass, his lip curved upwards in an angry frown.
"Thank you," Sungmin's eyebrows were lowered, pushed down into a sad face, his lips chapped and dry as he looked at Yesung who just shook his head.
"It was nothing,"
They kept walking over the campus to the far end of it, eventually arriving at Yesung's apartment in the cultural majors dorm. Still under silence the two men walked up the steps to Yesung's front door. Sungmin watched as he slid the key into the lock and opened the door, a small nod from his side before he stepped inside, stepping out of his shoes and hanging his coat on a hook by the door.
And suddenly he felt a lump in his throat, he remembered that party two weeks ago, When he and Kyuhyun had sex, it was the last time he saw Kyuhyun. Alive, that was.
,
"Is everything alright?" Sungmin nodded again, pursing his lips as he looked around, he had actually never been inside Yesung's apartment during daytime.
"Have a seat, do you want coffee or something?" Yesung was shaking his head lightly, drying off his hair that had gotten slightly wet from the snowfall earlier during the day. He sighed heavily and walked through the living room, glancing at Sungmin where he had found a place on the couch.
"Coffee is good. With milk," and Yesung answered a short 'okay' before wandering into the kitchen, presumably putting on the coffee machine and maybe cleaning some shit up from the sound of it. Sungmin twirled his fingers nervously and took a hitched breath through his nose before exhaling through his mouth, his hands shaking just a bit in his lap before he clasped them at his side, tilting his head up when Yesung entered the room with two coffee cups.
"Thank you," and they were silent again. The entire room was silent except from the occasional clinking noise of Sungmin twirling his spoon in the hot liquid.
"I can't do this anymore," Yesung groaned and Sungmin looked up at him, his brows pushed together into a quizzical frown. Confusion struck over his entire face as Yesung shook his head before speaking up again.
"That night... When Kyuhyun killed... When it happened," silence again, Yesung shifting in his seat, obviously discomforted as he exhaled heavily.
"I knew... What he was doing... I knew,"
"What?" Sungmin's eyes widened and his lips were parted in a shocked expression, he stared at the man on the arm chair in front of him, unknowing of his own change of expression which had left him looking at Yesung with an angry look in his eyes.
"I tried to talk him out of it... I really did but he, he was unreachable and... Even if I had stopped him that Saturday he would have tried again, I'm sorry Sungmin... Something snapped in him, something," and he sighed "was very wrong with Kyuhyun at the end," not one word came out from Sungmin's mouth, not one sound, nothing, just a blank stare at Yesung.
"I'm truly sorry I am," and his expression was pained, his face struck with grief, his lips quivering, hands fidgeting trying to find some kind of occupation to keep him from clawing at his legs.
"What does it matter," Sungmin's voice was quiet, almost a whisper, filled to the brim with defeat and sadness, and he shrugged. "I think I knew it too... The things he searched on the computer, it was just... he... I don't know what happened to him."
And they were quiet again, two broken people staring into coffee cups one cold February afternoon, praying that things could get unbroken.
NEXT
A/N:
* The event Yesung is talking about is depicted in my oneshot La Petite Mort [ x]
So this was chapter 1, I might upload chapter 2 later this week and then continue with perhaps 1-2 updates per week,
please leave a comment and tell me what you think of it <3