Kamen /// Twelfth Feeling: Sincerity [FINAL]
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naomi0211
Title: Kamen //Can you look right through me?//
Pairing: Akanishi Jin x Kazuya Kamenashi //Akame//
Genre: Romance. Angst, Fluff
Rating: PG-13
Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters in this story. I don't make profit with this.
Summary: Feelings are like masks we put on to convey our inner depth. But sometimes it turns out we use those masks to hide our real feelings... How well can Jin read Kazuya's feelings; and in return, how much does Kazuya really understand Jin? After being together for so long, things start to change, and feelings start to disappear behind masks...
A/N: English isn't my mother tongue, but I've been living in the UK for quite a time, so I basically write and speak well. You're welcome to correct any mistakes, though. Of course.
I had a looooooooooooong ride home yesterday and used the time to finish this up. Most of it was typed out on Wednesday already, but I was debating over the ending and if I should put an Epilogue. I decided against one now, but if I feel like writing one (what I don't think, since I guess I am very fond of it the way it is now), I will let you know. But with this, this fanfic is ending now.
And, oh my God, this turned out so, so long. I am sorry for that.
Okay, I am talking too much and keep you from reading and get an answer to everyone's question: WHAT HAPPENED TO KAZUYA?!
A/N#2: Kamen (仮面) is Japanese for Mask.
IMPORTANT: A/N#3: I really don't know WHY this is not in the format I usually post it in.I suppose it's because of the length, and livejournal automatically puts it like this, so that it fits into one entry. I don't want to split it into two entries, though, so I will just leave it as it is. I hope you can read it, though, and I am very sorry for the inconvinience. m(_ _)m
Previous Chapters:
Prologue
First Feeling: Love
Second Feeling: Desire
Third Feeling: Deceit
Fourth Feeling: Abandonment
Fifth Feeling: Missing
Sixth Feeling: Despair
Seventh Feeling: Anguish
Eighth Feeling: Hate Ninth Feeling: Acceptance
Tenth Feeling: Care
Eleventh Feeling: Awareness
Twelfth Feeling: Sincerity
It’s been a mistake to give the key back.
If he’d still have that key, it flashed through Jin’s head, he could just open up that damn door now that was keeping him from Kazuya.
His fists banged against the wood and he almost yelled the younger one’s name.
Then the door opened and Kazuya gave him a confused look, before Jin lost his mind and just gripped Kazuya’s shoulders, pulling him to his chest.
Kazuya made a surprised noise, hissed at the pain that was running through his whole body and tried to push Jin away.
“Kazuya”, Jin mumbled and his hands were scanning the brunette’s body, making him jump as they came over his hips.
Only then, Kazuya stopped protesting, feeling Jin shiver, his hands shakily gripping Kazuya’s waist and that he was panting badly.
“Fuck”, he added and buried his face at Kazuya’s neck.
“Jin, what’s wrong?” Kazuya was confused, lightly put his hand to the older one’s shoulder.
“What’s wrong?” Jin raised his head, looked at Kazuya. “What’s wrong, you’re asking?” His look was angry. “I thought you were dead.”
Kazuya looked stunned. “I think I am not, Jin.”
Jin sighed and just framed Kazuya’s face, closing the door with a kick of his foot. “I can see that myself, thanks.”
Koki had scared him to death and only when the younger one had shaken him gently, Jin had managed to gain back his consciousness and look at Koki.
He had told him that Kazuya was okay, that they had even left the hospital together, but Jin could have only believed it, when he would see Kazuya with his own eyes.
So, he had rushed over to see him.
“Koki had blood all over his clothes, Kazuya”, he said in a shaky voice. “When he told me it was yours, I felt like dying.”
“The sprain in my arm is worse.” Kazuya lifted his hand to the bandage at his head. “It’s nothing serious; just a laceration. But it bled a lot, though. Koki was getting me from the street.”
Only now, Jin realized that Kazuya had his arm in a sling and noticed that Kazuya already wore fresh clothes. There were only still traces of blood in his hair and just the thought made Jin’s stomach tighten. “How can you be that stupid to let yourself get hit by a car?”
Kazuya managed a pout. “It’s not like I was waiting at the street for it to come by. It just appeared all of a sudden and she wasn’t as fast as to seriously get me injured, however.”
“Seriously or not, you are injured. Damn that stupid woman.” Jin flashed Kazuya an angry look, holding his waist again. “Women really shouldn’t be allowed to drive cars.”
Kazuya managed a slight laugh. “It doesn’t matter whether it was a man or a woman, Jin.”
“Right; you should have just looked and been aware of the situation instead of joking around with Koki.”
“As I’ve said, she came out of nowhere, Jin. Neither of us saw her coming.”
Jin didn’t seem satisfied with that explanation. “I know you can be so very incautious.”
“But I wasn’t”, Kazuya answered angrily and felt his head hurting immediately, so he hissed and touched it.
Jin brushed his finger over the bandage. “You shouldn’t fluster, Kazuya. It’s not good for your head.”
“You shouldn’t say that when you are the one flustering me.”
Jin managed a smile, gently trailing his hand down Kazuya’s cheek and jaw. “What else is hurt?”
“It’s just some scratches here and there and a few bruises”, Kazuya shrugged it off. “Nothing serious.”
Jin shook his head. “You should have called me from the hospital. At least from here.”
Kazuya looked at him, raising an eyebrow, but leaving it as he noticed it hurt. “Was there any need to?”
“I was scared, Kazuya, when I found out.”
“I had no reason to, though. We’re not together anymore, Jin”, Kazuya just commented and turned away.
It made Jin hesitate for just a second, but then he reached his hand out and pulled Kazuya back, embraced him from behind. “I was scared I probably could have lost you.”
Kazuya closed his eyes, pulled himself together and then fetched away from Jin. “You already did.”
Jin stood where he was for a moment, then he followed Kazuya and had caught up, before Kazuya had made it to the kitchen. Jin pressed him to the wall and ignored the whining that escaped Kazuya’s lips. He knew right now, he was the stronger one.
“You don’t get that”, he said and stared into Kazuya’s eyes. The younger one stared back, determined, his body tensed and repulsing. That reaction forced gentleness into Jin’s hands, made him trace his fingertips over Kazuya’s arms. “Listen…”
The loud and shrill ring of the door bell made both of them jump. Jin remained where he was, Kazuya still stared at him. “I need to…”
“Ignore it, Kazuya”, Jin whispered and took his free hand. “I need to talk to you.”
Swallowing thickly, Kazuya shook his head, pushed Jin away. “I guess I can’t take another one of those. We’re through with that, Jin.”
Jin felt all his courage sink down to his knees, making them shake. He didn’t have much time to hold Kazuya back, however, since the younger one had escaped from him to open up.
In the next moment, Ueda was flinging his arms around Kazuya’s neck, just as Jin had before.
“Ueda”, Kazuya mumbled confused, noticed the others standing in front of his door then. “What are you guys doing here?”
“I was worried sick”, Ueda said and pulled back to look at Kazuya. “Koki told us what happened. Are you okay, Kame?”
Kazuya managed a warm smile. “Thanks; I’m doing fine.”
Ueda came in and Jin held back a curse, stepping out of the door frame to the kitchen. Nakamaru was just closing the door behind all of them, when they noticed Jin.
“Akanishi-kun”, Taguchi said and looked at him in surprise. “We’ve been trying to reach you.”
Jin tilted his head in confusion. “Why that?”
“We didn’t know you were already here”, Koki said. “You left without saying a word and I wanted to at least tell you that we would go over to see Kame.”
“I left my mobile in my car”, Jin just mumbled, as he noticed Kazuya’s eyes on him.
Ueda let go of Kazuya. “However”, he said then and pointed to Nakamaru. “We’re going to take care of you tonight.”
Nakamaru held up the bags he had in his hands and smiled. “We’ll cook.”
Kazuya gave him a terrified look and Ueda laughed. “It’s okay, I am going to cook; the others will just help out.”
Koki and Taguchi rushed in, past Jin and Nakamaru followed them, a little more behaved. Ueda tugged Kazuya with him and only a second was left for him and Jin to exchange a look.
“Okay, while we prepare dinner, you should take a hot bath”, Ueda said and ran a hand over Kazuya’s hair.
Jin glared at the older one and was about to push his hand away; but he knew Ueda didn’t do it out of affection, like he’d done it uncountable times before.
“Your hair is sticky from blood, Kame”, Ueda pointed out. “But having that huge plaster sticking to your forehead, it’ll get difficult to not make it wet. And I suppose you won’t be able to wash your hair with just one hand then.” He pointed at Kazuya’s right arm that was held in the sling.
Kazuya nodded. “I actually just wanted to call up my parents and then go to bed and take care of that tomorrow.”
Koki shook his head. “A bath will do you good; even more than just a hot shower and decent sleep.”
Nakamaru threw Koki a look. “You should probably slow down a bit more, too.”
Koki smiled. “I wasn’t hit by a car, after all.”
“But you looked horrible, though”, Jin commented.
“I had a shower and all is gone. I’m okay.”
Ueda looked at Kazuya again. “You call up your parents; Jin will prepare a bath for you in the meanwhile.”
Both of them looked at Ueda with confused looks.
“I thought we were cooking?” Jin frowned.
“You’re needless when it comes to that, Jin”, the man with the reddish hair pointed out, ignoring Jin’s protests to that statement. “And Kame will need some help in the bath, I guess.”
Kazuya immediately interfered. “I am okay by myself.”
Jin nodded. “Why is Ueda giving orders, anyway?”
“Because I am the oldest here”, he said and smiled at Jin.
“I am the oldest”, Nakamaru interrupted.
“The oldest who is actually compos mentis”, Ueda added.
Kazuya managed a laugh. “I’ll call up my parents. I don’t want them to see it in the morning news.”
They all followed him out with their looks, then Ueda gave Jin a nudge. “Go, prepare the bath.”
“I’ll prepare it, but I won’t stay in there with him.”
Sighing, the older one rolled his eyes. “Really, Jin, don’t behave as if he was a stranger. You’ve known each other for more than ten years, haven’t you? I bet you’ve seen him naked already. So where’s the problem?”
Jin tried not to blush on that comment. “That’s not what this is about…”
“Just go and do as you are told.”
“Ueda is so scary”, Taguchi commented.
Koki nodded in agreement. “He’s demanding.”
Jin sighed and turned to go to the bathroom; Ueda turned back with a satisfied smile and noticed Nakamaru was giggling to himself. He stood next to the older one and slightly leaned in.
“Don’t you want to complain about me, too?”
Nakamaru shook his head. “I am fine with the way you are, Tatsuya.”
Exchanging a smile, they both fell silent, until Koki started to make loud noises while cutting carrots into something that didn’t look like the intended flowers at all.
In the meanwhile, Jin closed the bathroom door behind him and sighed heavily. He got over to the tub and let in water, pouring some of those oils in, he knew Kazuya liked.
The room smelled from them already, the air filled with a slight steam, as the door opened and Kazuya came in.
“Thanks”, he said slowly and didn’t move from the door. “I am okay by myself; just go back to the others.”
“And let Ueda tell me that I am no good?” Jin managed a snort. “Beside that, I guess you could really need some help.”
Kazuya shrugged his shoulders and moved over then, not commenting on the oils, as he put the clothes he had brought to change in after to the toilet seat. “Then turn around and stare at the wall until I am done.”
“That’s childish, Kazuya.”
He gave Jin a look. “Okay, watch me bathing. How exciting.”
Jin shook his head and then came closer, lifting his hands to Kazuya’s head. He gently untied the bandage. “Let me help you out.”
Kazuya didn’t bridle anymore and let Jin remove the white fabric. Only the plaster was now covering the bruise beneath it and Kazuya ran a finger over it.
Remaining silent, too, Jin lifted Kazuya’s arm gently to take off the sling. It made him feel an uncomfortable agony to realize that Kazuya really had those injuries; that he hadn’t been able to do anything to keep him from that harm.
He helped Kazuya out of his shirt and gently pulled it over the younger one’s head, trying to avoid getting in contact with the injury. As the fabric was removed, Jin noticed the bruises on Kazuya’s right side. They covered most of his right arm.
Kazuya observed Jin, as he didn’t comment on it and didn’t let his eyes linger on them for too long. His hands were calm when they reached down and unzipped Kazuya’s jeans.
This time, Jin couldn’t hold back a hiss, as he saw the huge bruise over Kazuya’s right hip. It was more red now, but Jin knew by tomorrow it would be blue, green and purple as well. His hand automatically reached out and brushed over it, causing Kazuya to bit his lip and shiver.
Jin raised his look to him and they stood like that for a moment, looking at each other; Jin’s hand lightly over the bare skin at Kazuya’s hip.
Kazuya then took a step back, turned around to turn off the water, what looked whether awkward, since he had to do it with his left hand; then he climbed into the bath tub, sighing as the hot water covered his body.
Jin watched him, felt the tension loosing up in him, before he stepped over and crouched down next to the tub, placing his hands at the edge.
“You’ve lost weight.”
Kazuya didn’t open his eyes, as he leaned back and ran his hand over his right arm to let the water and the oils sooth the bruised skin. “And?”
“I’ve just noticed”, Jin said, watching Kazuya. “It looks anything but sexy.”
His hand stopped moving for only a second. “Enough people out there actually think I was.”
Jin smiled and reached his hand out, tracing his index finger over Kazuya’s shoulder; following the path of a droplet. “They don’t know you bath in bloomy oils.”
“There’s nothing wrong with that”, the brunette answered and moved his shoulder a bit to get away from Jin’s touch.
Not answering, Jin trailed his finger up to Kazuya’s neck, to the hairline and then ran his hand through the mess of brunette.
“Jin, stop that”, Kazuya just said and finally looked at him.
Jin left his hand where it was for a moment, then he pulled back and got up. “Let’s wash your hair then.”
Kazuya frowned at him, but didn’t answer.
Jin got over to the small closet Kazuya had put up for him and opened it, ignoring Kazuya’s look. His things were still there. The tooth brush, the shampoo, a towel Kazuya had bought sometime and that only ever Jin had used. It was washed and carefully placed at its usual place.
Jin looked at the things for a moment, happy to still see them there; then he took the shampoo and closed it again, not commenting on it.
“I have my stuff here, Jin; I really don’t know…”
“I like it when your hair smells of my stuff”, Jin cut in Kazuya’s words and kneeled next to the tub again.
Blinking, Kazuya fell silent, stared at Jin in confusion. He had never heard Jin saying something alike before. Then Jin took the shower spray head and carefully held it over Kazuya’s hair; trying to keep clear from the plaster.
“I am perfectly able to wash my hair on my own.”
Jin smiled, knowing Kazuya couldn’t see it. “Ueda thinks differently.” He poured some of the shampoo onto his palm and then ran his hands through the younger one’s hair, soaping it in.
Kazuya tilted his head back, looking at Jin. “You guys treat me like a child, and I really don’t like that.”
Jin smirked, his hands slowed down and he gently ran them over the back of Kazuya’s neck. Shampoo was running down the brunette’s spine from his hairline to the water, floating on it and making it hazy. “I already told you once that it’s not like a child.”
Kazuya shifted and tilted his head forwards again, ignoring Jin’s answer. He remembered the day when he had come to Jin’s apartment from Osaka, feeling sick and trembling of fear he could lose Jin. Feeling guilty because of the mistake he’d made.
It seemed to him as if that had been ages ago.
Closing his eyes, Kazuya couldn’t resist enjoying what Jin currently did to him. It felt good and was relaxing; made him almost feel sleepy.
Then Jin took the shower again and started to wash the shampoo out of Kazuya’s hair. They both remained silent for the time being. Jin had moved to the side of the tub again, was kneeling in front of it and washing Kazuya’s hair.
When he was done, he turned off the water, put the shower spray head back to its fastening and watched Kazuya. The younger one looked as if he was sleeping; even so, Jin knew he wasn’t. He still was stiff; his body tensed.
Slowly, Jin leaned in and brushed Kazuya’s hair up from his neck, placing his lips over the warm and wet skin. Kazuya made a confused sound, jumped a bit at the sensation and pulled away, staring at Jin with an indignant look.
Jin’s hand was still buried in his wet hair and without leaving Kazuya any chance Jin pulled the brunette back to him, against the edge of the tub and robbed him a kiss.
Kazuya couldn’t process what was happening that quickly, and in his head he told himself that it was due to his headache; that it was not because he wanted this.
He closed his eyes, though, felt Jin’s hand loosening up its tight grip in his hair. Only then, he noticed that the older male’s other had was already at Kazuya’s chest, gently stroking it, until it found one of his nipples and brushed over it.
Kazuya unclenched his left hand and brought it up, slightly moaning, as he gripped Jin’s. “Don’t.”
Jin drew back, pressed his lips together and waited for Kazuya to open up his eyes. He moved his hand beneath Kazuya’s, until he could lace their fingers. “You just need to enjoy it, Kazuya.”
The younger one shook his head, mesmerized by Jin’s eyes and unable to look away. “This is not fair”, he breathed then. “I don’t want this.”
Slowly, Jin’s hand trailed from Kazuya’s hair down his neck, over his collar bone to his shoulder and up again; making the brunette shiver. “You do”, Jin answered and titled his head, pressing his lips to Kazuya’s jaw, feeling him fighting with himself. “You need it.”
There was no way Kazuya could have denied that; it was true. But only because he needed Jin, it didn’t mean that he could give in and just take it. He didn’t want to be weak, but Jin simply made him.
The kisses Jin gently breathed over his neck made him lose his mind. Water was dripping from his hair into Jin’s; his hands at Jin’s shoulders were soaking the fabric of his simple black shirt.
It was really not fair, Kazuya thought, as Jin’s fingers twitched lightly at his nipple, made him release a soft groan; that he still had that kind of awe over him. Kazuya couldn’t bring up the power to refuse, to pull back, push Jin away; tell him to get lost.
It felt good, and it had been that long, since Jin’s hands last had touched him like that; had been running over Kazuya’s body to make him feel pleasure.
Jin’s teeth and tongue were fiddling with Kazuya’s earlobe, distracting him, when his hand dipped into the water and he found Kazuya’s member, gripping it lightly. Kazuya released a sigh, his hand fell from Jin’s shoulder and he tried to find hold at the edge of the tub; what was difficult for him, sine he couldn’t really use his right arm at all.
The cool metal was segregating them, making it impossible to get closer.
Kazuya licked his lips, as he tilted his head back, giving Jin more space to run his lips over, while he was stroking Kazuya’s length, made him shiver.
The water had cooled down, the younger male thought and moaned quietly, still aware of that they weren’t alone in the apartment. The thought that the others were just a few rooms away, that they could probably hear them, overhear what was going on between him and Jin, made Kazuya blush, but he forgot about it, when Jin’s thumb brushed over the head of his length. He tensed, gasped for breath, louder than he had intended.
“Hold on to me, Kazuya”, Jin murmured, as he noticed Kazuya was close. He felt him pounding in Jin’s hand, felt how Kazuya’s breathing changed. His moans got uncontrolled, louder and Jin bit down the skin at Kazuya’s jaw; lightly, without leaving any marks.
Kazuya’s arm came around Jin’s neck and he buried his face at Jin’s shoulder, trying to muffle his sounds. Jin reached out his other hand and turned on the shower again to let the spray’s sound drowning their noises.
The spray of water hit them both and Kazuya slightly jumped at it, hissing. He wanted to pull away, but in the next moment, he just managed to mewl and Jin felt him coming. His strokes got harder; his lips gentler as they found Kazuya’s. The younger one released a breathy moan into their kiss, closing his eyes, as water was running into them.
The spray of hot water had soaked both of them, made their kiss wet; Jin’s hand at Kazuya’s back sashayed from the skin into the water. When the tension in Kazuya loosened up, Jin let the kiss spun out, ran his tongue over Kazuya’s, kissed him passionately and deeply.
Then he drew back; they were both panting slightly and he turned off the shower again. Kazuya sank against Jin, as much as he could with the binding of the tub between them, and tried to catch his breath. His head felt as if it was pounding, a strong pain behind his temples was making him feel as if he’d collapse every second.
“Ueda is going to beat you up for this”, he managed to mumble then.
Jin smiled, held Kazuya tightly, not caring for the water that was running from his hair over his face, soaking his clothes. He finally held Kazuya again; nothing could have torn him apart from the younger one now. “He’s going to be happy you look so relaxed.”
Kazuya lifted his hand that had clenched to Jin’s shirt and touched the plaster at his forehead, feeling it being loose. “You let water get under the plaster.”
Jin pulled back now, stared at Kazuya’s face. “Crap”, he murmured. He had forgotten about that as soon as he had started to touch Kazuya. Ueda would probably really beat him up. “How is your arm?”
Taking the chance to pull away, Kazuya rose, gripped the towel. “Just as it was before. Hurting.”
Jin got to his feet, as well, taking another towel to dry Kazuya’s hair. He gently touched Kazuya’s right arm, dried it with dabbing the towel over it. He was still terrified by all those bruises and scratches.
Then he noticed himself being completely soaked; though, his jeans had mostly remained dry. Therefore his shirt and hair where dripping from water.
Kazuya wound the towel around his hips and got over to a closet to get Jin another one. He threw it at him and they both fell silent, as Jin caught it and ran it over his hair.
Then he got over, after Kazuya had just gotten into some comfortable pants, taking the shirt to help him into it.
“I can dress myself, Jin”, Kazuya said, not actually knowing, why it suddenly was that awkward between them. He probably should not have given in. He put on the shirt alone, struggling with it, but refused every help Jin tried to provide.
For getting the sting back over his head, had to let Jin help him out and Kazuya seemed even more annoyed by that; the fact that he needed help.
Without saying a word, he turned to leave the room, as they were done.
Jin didn’t want this chance wasted again. He had gotten close to Kazuya; but not close enough to make him come back. Jin had kissed him, Jin had touched him, Jin had held him, begged him.
He wanted Kazuya to feel the same, want the same.
Before Kazuya could open the door, Jin approached him and gripped his wrist, turning Kazuya around. “Not yet.”
Kazuya frowned at the desperate note in Jin’s eyes, voice; in his action. But seeing him like that, he couldn’t turn away; he felt like he was frozen, anticipating what he longed for.
“Kazuya”, Jin started and pulled him close. His clothes were still wet, bringing wet stains to Kazuya’s, but he couldn’t care less about it. Jin gently held him, combed Kazuya’s hair with his hand and brought his lips to Kazuya’s ear. “I thought you’ve left me here all on my own.”
Kazuya did not respond to the hug. His hand was pressed flat to the door behind him, his right arm was trapped in the sting between them, but his eyes moved from the spot at the wall across of him to Jin’s direction, and he narrowed them.
“I thought you had left me all by myself”, Jin whispered against Kazuya’s ear, sending a shiver through his body. “Without any reason to live on, or a chance to be forgiven and time to expiate what I’ve ruined.”
Kazuya bit his lip. Only the thought, he could have lost Kazuya, had driven Jin insane, apparently.
“I thought I wouldn’t ever hold you again, get the chance to kiss you, feel you”, Jin went on, holding tighter onto the younger one.
Pressing his eyes close, Kazuya tried to stop himself, but his hand automatically came up to hold Jin. He would have never expected words like those from Jin. To hear them felt strange, but still so very reassuring, since they meant Jin really held Kazuya dear in his heart.
“Let me stay tonight”, Jin whispered his beg, encouraged by the fact that Kazuya held him in return.
“No way”, Kazuya said slowly, but didn’t move away.
Jin shook his head, drew back to look at Kazuya. He framed the younger one’s face. “I promise to never let you doubt me again, or what I feel.” The unbelieving stare in Kazuya’s eyes didn’t really push him forward, but he gulped his fears down and told himself to be honest, to let Kazuya see every detail, every feeling in his heart. Brushing his lips against Kazuya’s, he added: “I won’t ever call you any names again.”
A smile suddenly tugged at the corners of Kazuya’s mouth and he relaxed. “You remember that?”
Jin nodded, pressed Kazuya to the wall, careful with the younger one’s arm between them and kissed him deeper. “I remember everything when it comes to you.”
Kazuya couldn’t respond; his breath was caught in his throat and his eyes widened as Jin fully kissed him.
He had only kissed Kazuya like that once before and it clenched Kazuya’s heart now, that he kissed him like that again. He made sure to respond to it, to kiss Jin back in the same way, since he had missed to properly return it when Jin had kissed him like that for the first time; and Kazuya didn’t know if he’d ever be kissed by Jin like that again.
It was a reassuring and calm kiss. Soft and gentle.
As they broke it, they remained standing, embracing and staring at each other. Jin titled his head slightly and breathed kisses over Kazuya’s jaw, nipped at his chin.
“I really don’t get it”, it came over Kazuya’s lips without him really wanting to say it.
Jin raised his look to his eyes, but didn’t stop to nip and kiss Kazuya’s skin.
“I’ve been in love with you for more than three years now”, Kazuya said; his voice sounding tired. “And for two years we’ve been together; I spent so much time with you, I thought I had seen all of your faces.” He raised Jin’s chin to make him look at Kazuya. “Then how come, Jin, I never knew?”
“What?” Jin frowned at him, looking confused, but his hands remained trailing gently over Kazuya’s sides, slipped beneath the fabric, and Kazuya was puzzled by the fact that it wasn’t to arouse him, but only for the touch’s sake.
“How come I never knew you could be like this?”
Jin’s hands stopped for a moment and he brushed a kiss to Kazuya’s forehead. “Like what?”
“Gentle, loving”, Kazuya said, more than confused by his own feelings. “Persisting when it comes to me.”
Jin shook his head. It hurt to know Kazuya had always felt that way. “I’ve always been, Kazuya.”
“No, Jin”, the younger one said and looked into his eyes. “It’s been about passion for you.”
“Passion makes it complete, Kazuya, it doesn’t work without it.”
“But it was more than just a part for you. You always just answered when I said I love you.” Kazuya lowered his gaze, bit his lip.
“Don’t just focus on my words, Kazuya”, Jin countered, but still, he didn’t look angry at all. His hands were still softly caressing Kazuya’s sides.
Kazuya knew that. He had told himself a million times that it didn’t count what Jin said, as long as he turned to Kazuya in his sleep, as long as he came back home to him and as long as Kazuya would be the only one he’d have kissed, touched, held. The only one he loved.
Jin saw him being torn inside, and he knew Kazuya was about to give in and do what he actually wanted; forgiving Jin. So he leaned in again, gave him another of those kisses, felt Kazuya sinking against him, melting almost.
“Remember that evening we fought and I solved the problem with sex?”, Jin asked and waited for Kazuya to nod. Their lips were close, still. “I’ve probably shown it off in a different way, but I have always been like this, Kazuya. What I said that night; I meant it, and I still do.”
Kazuya stared at Jin with dull eyes. He hadn’t forgotten what Jin had said that night, and in a way, it was true. Jin had already felt the same as now, back then.
Deciding to give Kazuya some time to think about that, Jin placed another peck to Kazuya’s lips, before he opened up the door and took Kazuya’s hand to pull him out of the damp and sticky room.
“What happened to you?” Nakamaru stared at them with huge eyes. Kazuya had gone into the kitchen first, Jin had followed.
Ueda turned; he hadn’t noticed them coming into the kitchen. He looked at them, saw Kazuya’s wet hair, the comfortable clothes; then he looked at Jin. “How come you are completely soaked?”
Kazuya lowered his gaze; suddenly remembering what exactly had made Jin get that wet.
“Kame is a kid while bathing”, Jin explained and Kazuya shot him an angry glare.
Taguchi and Koki frowned at him.
“I told you to help him; to make sure no water would get to his wound and you idiot soaked the two of you completely?”
“I told you, he’d beat you up for that.” Kazuya raised a brow at Jin, noticing the plaster moved.
Ueda sighed. “Jin, you really are useless.”
“But Kazuya feels a lot better now. Don’t you?” Jin looked at the younger one next to him.
Kazuya returned the look for a moment, then he nodded and looked at Ueda. “I feel much better.” He could still feel Jin’s gaze at him.
“However”, the older one said, apparently calmed down. “Taguchi will take care of getting your wound plastered again.”
Kazuya sat down on a chair at his table and nodded. Koki sat down next to him and they exchanged a smile. Then he looked at Jin again. “Don’t you want to pull over something dry?”
Jin shook his head. “It’s okay.”
Nakamaru frowned. “You should, Jin. I really don’t know how you could get yourself that soaked. You look like you had a bath yourself.”
Jin didn’t answer first, he only turned to Nakamaru. “It’s none of your business.”
Ueda nodded. “But he is still right. You should put on something dry.”
“Kame’s clothes should be okay in size.”
Jin smiled. “They’re too fit for me.”
“And? It’s just until yours is dry again, isn’t it?” Taguchi opened a package of plasters and pulled out one of the bigger ones.
“I don’t want to look like a fag.”
“In my drawer, Jin”, Kazuya just said and made a hissing sound as Taguchi removed the old plaster. “On the left side; there should be something that could fit you.”
Jin stared at him for a moment, but when the wound came in sight, he pressed his lips together and went pale. He turned and left the room, without discussing any further.
The left side of Kazuya’s drawer had been his. It was the side where Jin had left clothes of his, just in case he needed some when he’d sleep over at Kazuya’s.
Opening the drawer, he saw that they were still there. Nothing had been removed. He smiled and got out a shirt, stripping off of his soaked one and getting into the new one.
He then made his way to bath again, cleaned up there and put his shirt into the dryer. When he came back to the kitchen, Ueda was standing at the work disk, while everyone else was sitting at the table. Kazuya was eating, the others watched him and made jokes about Kazuya being clumsy, eating with his left hand. Jin was glad to see Kazuya’s cheeks had colour and that his smile reached his eyes.
He walked over to Ueda and stood next to him, both of them watching the other guys.
“Will you stay here tonight?” Ueda shot him a look.
Jin just nodded. “Just in case. I bet his head feels like it’s going to explode.”
“Is he still mad at you?”
Looking at Ueda now, Jin couldn’t hide his surprise at that question. “How…?”
“You were fighting or something, weren’t you? It was pathetic to watch you guys.” Ueda looked at the others again.
“We’re okay”, Jin just said.
Ueda nodded and then stepped to the table. “Okay, Kame, we leave you in peace now. You better get some decent sleep tonight, okay?”
Kazuya smiled at him and nodded. “Thanks, Ueda.”
The older one shook his head. “You’re welcome. I am just glad you’re okay.”
“Me, too”, Taguchi said and got up from his chair.
Kazuya smiled wider now. “You were all afraid what you’d do without me, huh?” He giggled as Koki gaped at him. “Just joking.”
They all left the kitchen and put on their jackets and coats at the door. Then Nakamaru looked at Jin. “Don’t you come with us?”
“Ah… I’m…”
“His shirt is still in the dryer”, Ueda said and put on his shoes.
“Right”, Jin said. “I’ll have to wait until it’s done.”
The others nodded and then made their way out of the apartment. It felt silent, suddenly, as their voices couldn’t be heard anymore from the floor outside.
Jin turned and got back to the kitchen. Kazuya had just brought his bowl to the sink. He was looking exhausted and tired.
“Come on, Kazuya. You better go to bed.”
Kazuya turned to him, frowned. “You’re still here?”
“I told you I would stay tonight”, Jin just said and took Kazuya’s hand, pulled him over to the bedroom.
“Jin…”, Kazuya started, but didn’t get that far, because Jin prepared the bed and wouldn’t even look at him.
“I’ll just stay here, Kazuya. I won’t do anything to you. I just want to be here.”
Kazuya swallowed thickly, then he made a step towards Jin and took his hand, turning him around to look at him. “I can’t let you stay, Jin.”
Jin shook his head, but didn’t make a move to convince Kazuya with actions. He wanted Kazuya to want it without distracting his mind by his needs. “I’ll just…”
“I can’t let you stay”, Kazuya just repeated and next wound his arm around Jin’s neck, pulling him close. Jin released a surprised noise. “I guess I wouldn’t be able to take losing you again.”
Relaxing, Jin returned the embrace, placing a kiss to Kazuya’s hair. “You won’t. I’ll be here tomorrow morning, and I’ll come back; every time.”
Kazuya drew back. “You better”, he answered and then climbed into the bed, pulling the covers from the other side.
Jin understood and pulled off his jeans, before he joined Kazuya and drew him into his arms. His lips brushed over the fresh plaster and he tugged the blankets over them.
Kazuya curled up against him, nuzzled close and Jin knew he was asleep with an instant. He lay awake, keeping vigil over Kazuya’s sleep and when he closed his eyes, he felt something in him click into place.
This was right.
It was late in the morning, when Kazuya woke up. He blinked lazily, confused by the pain in his arm and in his head, but then the memories came back and he released a slight moan, lifting his left hand to touch his temple.
When an arm came around his waist and pulled his back close to a warm body, Kazuya gasped, almost pulled back; but then he noticed it was Jin by how that arm held him.
He remained as he was, felt slow kisses being trailed over his neck, and relaxed again. But he didn’t turn to Jin.
“How are you feeling?” Jin’s voice was low and rough from his sleep.
Kazuya closed his eyes again. The pain wasn’t as bad then. “Like I’ve been hit by a car.”
“You’ve actually been, Kazuya”, Jin reminded him and nuzzled against him. “Lying on your sprained arm doesn’t help the recovery, I guess.”
“I can’t use it, anyway.”
“That doesn’t mean that you don’t have to take care of it.”
Kazuya sighed, then he shifted and turned to Jin, gave him a sleepy look. “I can’t move it.”
Jin stared at him for a moment; then he sat up and started to move his hand over Kazuya’s arm. “You can’t move it? That’s bad, isn’t it?” He slightly pressed his fingers against the warm skin. “Do you feel this?”
Kazuya shrugged the shoulder of the sprained arm. “I think it’s dead.”
Jin gaped, pushed off the blankets and wanted to jump out of bed, mumbling something about getting a doctor, calling the ambulance.
Kazuya was too surprised to act immediately, but then he reached out his hand and held Jin back. “Wait, Jin…”, he started, but fell silent when Jin stared at his sprained arm which’s hand was now holding on to Jin’s sleeve.
“Honestly, Kazuya; that’s nothing to make fun of”, Jin said and fell back to the pillows, letting go of a relieved sigh.
Kazuya leaned onto his left elbow to lean across Jin and look at him. “Don’t be that whiney; it was just a joke.”
“It’s not funny, though, since you actually are injured.”
Kazuya frowned at him, before he put his head down to Jin’s chest. He’d never known Jin to angst over anything, but right now, Jin did so over Kazuya. “Don’t take the things more serious than they actually are.”
Jin raised his hand, lazily ran it over Kazuya’s back, into his hair, over the plaster and back down. “If you had ever felt as if the most precious one in your life had gone out of your reach completely, then you would understand this.”
Kazuya remained silent for a while and Jin started to wonder whether he had probably dozen off, but then the younger one suddenly said: “You probably remember, but I already have felt like that.”
Jin closed his eyes and for the first time, since it had happened, he let the memories take over him. He remembered how he had locked himself in his bedroom, covering his ears, crouching at the floor to shut out the sound of Kazuya’s crying from his living room.
“Breaking up isn’t the same”, Jin mumbled, opening his eyes. The memory wasn’t quite pleasuring. It still hurt.
“Not when both parts want to break up; then it’s not the same. But we didn’t both agree on breaking up.” Kazuya put his arm around Jin’s waist, nuzzled closer.
“It was my decision.”
“I don’t mind it if you want to say now that you’re a complete idiot.”
Jin smiled, gently tugged a few strands of Kazuya’s hair; let go of them to comb through it again. Then he rose a bit to flip them around. Kazuya gave him a surprised look, as he now lay beneath Jin, the older one straddling him. He automatically pinned Kazuya’s arms down, but as he released a noise of pain, Jin quickly let go of Kazuya’s right wrist.
Kazuya stared at him, pulling his arm back. Jin leaned in and instead of actually kissing Kazuya he brushed his lips over the brunette’s arm; tracing soft kisses over it.
“It’s okay, it didn’t hurt that much”, Kazuya said slowly; touched by Jin’s reaction.
Jin raised his head and pressed his lips together. His hand let go of Kazuya’s other wrist, as well. “I’m sorry.”
“I know you are, Jin. You already said it so often.” Kazuya lifted his free hand now to brush Jin’s hair out of his sight. He let his fingers run down Jin’s cheek, let them linger at his jaw. “I guess you already felt sorry the first time you realized there’s a part of you hating me.”
“There’s no part of me hating you”, Jin said and tilted his head, pressing a kiss to Kazuya’s palm.
“There is, otherwise…”
“… we weren’t stuck in this mess; that’s true.” He shook his head. “I thought that, too. But there is no part like that.”
Kazuya looked at him, puzzled.
“Look at us, Kazuya”, Jin whispered and took his hand. “We’re still here. We broke up, and yet we share a bed, hold each other.”
“You didn’t want to leave.”
Jin shook his head. “You didn’t want me to, either. We need each other, badly. If I found anything through this, then it’s that I can’t exist without you.”
Licking his lips, Kazuya took a deep breath. “You can.”
“I don’t want to”, the older one countered and sat back a bit. “We broke up; because we weren’t able to handle each other. I don’t deny that it’s my fault, that I didn’t give you what you deserved. But we both handled that situation wrong.”
Kazuya nodded. “You didn’t see that you messed us up and had to do something about it. And I turned to someone else.”
“And instead of realizing it at that point, I just… well, kind of sought a reason to shift the guilt onto you”, Jin added. To admit to his mistakes made his heart feel even heavier. He had done a lot of mistakes. “I should have admitted then that it was my fault you had turned away.”
Biting his lips, Kazuya fought over giving in. He pushed himself to it, since he knew this wasn’t completely right. “It was cheating after all.”
“You would not have done that if you could have been completely sure of my feelings for you.”
Kazuya let his hand sink back down to the mattress. “I was just unsure for a moment; and when I came to you that night, I thought of it as the biggest mistake I’ve made in my life. And I still think that way.”
Jin was enlightened to hear Kazuya say those words. “Because you still love me.”
Knowing, that it hadn’t been a question, Kazuya nodded though. “I said I wouldn’t ever get over you, Jin.”
“That’s good”, the older male breathed, as he leaned in and buried his face at Kazuya’s neck. “That’s good.”
Kazuya didn’t move beneath him. “I would not have let you stayed here tonight, if I didn’t want you with me, Jin.”
Jin’s lips moved against Kazuya’s skin at his neck. “You needed someone to take care of you.”
Kazuya managed a laugh. “You just lay beside me.”
Jin lifted his head. “And it already helped a lot, didn’t it?”
“I was that tired, I would have slept pretty well without you.”
Pouting, Jin put his head back. “I also helped you bathing.”
Kazuya felt his cheeks getting warmer. “That wasn’t helping.”
Jin shrugged a shoulder and grinned to himself. “You liked it, though.”
“I can’t deny that.”
“But what you need more than that, is this, isn’t it?”
Sighing, the younger one closed his eyes. “I already made it clear that this is how I want us to be.”
“It’s just me working against it all the time, struggling to give in”, Jin realized. “But, I need this just as much.”
Kazuya pressed his lips to Jin’s hair, noticed the scent, and that he had missed exactly that one on his sheets. “I know”, he said, and then: “You probably need it even more than I do.”
They lay like that for a while, Jin was nipping at Kazuya’s neck and Kazuya had nuzzled his cheek against Jin’s hair, lying comfortably like that.
Jin thought about it, those words and figured that they were most likely true. Holding Kazuya felt even more precious now; realizing that he was still there.
Just as Jin had said; he couldn’t exist without Kazuya.
“I was envious, Kazuya; jealous, probably”, Jin murmured then, not sure if Kazuya was even listening or back to sleep already. “But only of what you did and achieved. I couldn’t stand that thought, but I never hated you.”
It remained silent, and Jin bit his lip, ran his hand over Kazuya’s side, his chest, let it linger there.
“When it came to you, everything I ever felt was something positive”, Jin continued quietly. It wasn’t important if Kazuya heard this. Jin would make him believe it in his heart; only that was important. “Pleasure, love, happiness. Call it whatever you want, but you make me feel it. Being with you, knowing you love me back and that you are simply there and the one I can return to, makes me feel complete.”
Jin left his hand over Kazuya’s chest, moved it slightly. He felt Kazuya’s heart racing beneath it, hard and loud. Raising his head from the younger one’s shoulder, their eyes found each others, their gazes locked.
Kazuya bit his lip, before he leaned in and pressed his lips to Jin’s, breathily released a sigh into it and held him, as tight as he could with only one arm.
Jin shifted closer and held him in return, answering to the kiss with just as much passion. Then he drew back, lay his forehead to Kazuya’s.
“Why did this take us that long?”, Kazuya asked quietly and managed a weak smile.
Jin shrugged a shoulder, returned the smile. “We both needed some time to realize how much we need each other, probably. Neither of us has ever been that close to anyone else.”
Kazuya moved his hand up to take Jin’s over his chest. Jin gripped the blankets with his other hand, tugged them back, so they covered them and they could cuddle up beneath them.
He buried his nose in Kazuya’s hair, noticed it smelled of his shampoo and smiled. It was only the beginning; but with that, Kazuya was his again.
“Can we just spend the day in bed?” Kazuya’s voice was muffled against Jin’s neck, but still, Jin heard him.
The older male nodded, soothingly ran his fingers over Kazuya’s back. He waited for a bit, noticed Kazuya dozing off. “Hey”, he said softly then.
“Hm?” Kazuya moved a bit, signalizing that he was listening.
“We’ll try again, won’t we?”, Jin asked quietly.
The younger one didn’t answer for a while and Jin felt getting nervous. But then, Kazuya lifted his head, drew back to look at Jin. His look was gentle and he squeezed the hand in his, pressing their laced fingers to that spot over his heart.
Then he smiled a reassuring and calm smile. Soft and gentle.
“No, Jin; we’re moving on.”
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I remember when I finished Fade into the Background, I made a happy dance. For this one, I just smiled, after the last line was typed out and felt pretty calm (probably because I was already cuddled up under the blankets of my warm bed here at home *laugh* ♥). They will manage, won't they?
I didn't name this chapter Last Feeling on purpose, since I don't think I have covered everything up that a human heart is capable to feel. So, well, Jin pointed a few of those feelings out in this chapter, and I am sure those two will feel them from now on ;)
However, I don't really have much to say, other than that I am really thankful for all those people who kept reading and leaving me lovely comments. There were even comments posted that made me not just smile so much, but also cry, because you guys had some really lovely words for me.
naomi0211, you are awesome, and you should know that. It's yours; it's always been just for you ♥
Okay, everyone, thank you so very much for reading until the end! Let me know what you think, I am curious, of course!!! ^^
Left to say.... See you at my next project!!!!
Shai~ ♥♥♥♥