Out of Choices - Chapter 27
Title: Out Of Choices
Chapter 27: Clairvoyance (Previous Chapters: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19.1, 19.2, 20, 21, 22.1, 22.2, 23, 24, 25, 26)
Author:JCAddict/picklewinkle/Sher
Fandom: Twilight
Word Count:5,204
Rating: R/M, for sex and language
Story Summary: An angry young woman is forced to move to the town of Forks, Washington and decides that alone is the best way to be. She buries her heart under her anger and puts on a tough façade that very few people are able to break through. Can the love of a teenage vampire get through to the lost girl inside, even when his true nature is revealed? AU (alternative universe) and OOC (out of character). Bella is uber OOC. Edward, not so much.
Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight and all of its characters. I'm just manipulating them like imaginary playdoh so I feel like I have some power over them **snorts**
27. Clairvoyance
Muchas gracias for all of the reviews. I haven't had a chance to answer all of them yet but as soon as I get this chapter posted that is my job and I shall be all over it like stink on a monkey.
Apparently writing fluff flows much like molasses for me, slooooooowwwwww. This chapter has been staring at me for days and in truth, I'm just sick of looking at it. There is lots of Bella introspection in it, but little else. Okay, well maybe some Jessica bashing too. *snorts* Anywho, I'm hoping it's enough to keep you interested. Transition people, transition...
From Bella's POV...
Edward was going to be the death of me. One day he was going to touch me and I was just going to spontaneously combust. I couldn’t deny the heat between us, nor did I want to. When it came to loving me, I was like a book with every answer inside, all he had to do was open me up and read the pages. Tonight, things between us escalated further than ever before, and it was completely my fault.
The morons at school kept me down all day long with their gossiping, but they also made me realize something. I was a lot happier when Edward was around. I needed him, and admitting that so succinctly to myself scared the shit out of me. For the first time in months there was something in my life that mattered to me, that mattered more than anything, and I couldn’t pretend that the idea of losing him was as scary as fuck to me. I despised the vulnerability in it.
My fear sucked me in as the day progressed. I worried all afternoon that the magnitude of my need for him made us very one-sided. It didn’t make sense that he could need me in the same way I needed him. He had a family and a life. I was just an addition to it. He had become my whole world, or damn near close to it. I needed time to get used to the idea before I shared it with him, and it made me feel like shit to keep it from him. I knew I was upsetting him because he kept asking me if I was okay. I tried to put him off, telling him each time to stop worrying, but I never fooled him. He was Edward though, always reassuring and patient, and he gave me the space and time I needed to accept it. I so did not deserve his goodness.
By the time we left for the forest after school, it was eating me alive. Finding the courage to be open about it was motherfucking hard. I felt like admitting how much I needed him was like writing him an invitation to leave me. Look at the crazy needy loser-girl who is holding on like a leech. Kick her to the curb! He carried me to our little spot in the forest and I knew it was time to come clean. There, in the safety and comfort of his arms I whispered my big revelation. It seemed like such a huge deal in my head, but it came out sounding normal I think. It caught him off guard. Instead of answering me, he kissed me; fantastic affectionate kisses with tiny messages of love murmured against my lips, which of course whipped me into a frenzy. I’m not sure if they were supposed to or not, but I couldn’t fault Edward for being unaware of the power of his perfect mouth. When I finally settled down, he told me he felt the same way, and then it was his turn to lose it. I’m not going to pretend that the power in making Edward Cullen unable to control himself was not heady. It was unparalleled and addictive.
I could quite literally kiss him for hours. I would liken it to rush hour traffic. The majority of the time our kissing was like bumper-to-bumper traffic, inching along with caution and patience. Every now and again, traffic would break and we’d gun our engines and break every speed limit until we hit the next slow down, and in those periods we took turns losing control. I would get lost in his kiss, letting his perfect lips and tongue take me under. There was nothing on Earth like his love. When I surfaced for air, I would touch him in a certain way or pull myself to him and he’d come undone. We spent the rest of the afternoon like that. I was sad to see it end.
There was something about the way he made me feel when he touched me. The world melted away and we became the only two people that existed. The problem for me became controlling myself. I had no idea how far or how fast he wanted to move. I mean he was a guy, so I was assuming that sex was not something he was going to say no to, but he’d never given me any indication of his expectations in that department. I’d never really considered giving myself to anyone before. There was never anyone who deserved it until now. Sex had become a frequent topic on my mind recently. My fantasies were getting more and more erotic, filling my mind with all sorts of ideas of things I’d like to do to him, of ways I’d like to make him feel. And don’t even get me started on the things I’d wanted him to do to me.
Every time I got near him I wanted more of him. Today I’d untucked his shirt to feel his skin, and maybe it was too forward of me. Edward seemed a bit shocked that I wanted to touch him. He must have momentarily forgotten how goddamn beautiful he was. What woman in her right mind wouldn’t want to touch him? I tried to reel it in after that and did pretty darn well, at least until I went to kiss him goodbye. I didn’t want to leave him yet and begin a long night without him, so I was a bit mopey. He mistook it for something more, and when I told him to stop worrying, he told me he couldn’t because I was his whole world. The words set me off in a hundred ways - desire, love, lust, awe - but in that moment I knew I would give myself to him eventually. It was only a matter of time.
How do you repay your boyfriend when he tells you that you’re his whole world, when he echoes the way you feel without ever having been told? Well if you’re me, you make good and sure he knows you feel the same. I’m pretty sure I made my intention to be with him quite obvious in the way I shoved my tongue into his mouth and wrapped my leg around his thighs and pressed my breasts into his chest. I wanted him. I wanted him to know I wanted him. I didn’t even have the dignity to feel embarrassed about my actions. I had no idea how to have a conversation about sex with Edward, but I knew how to show him. Showing him my love was as natural as breathing, and every bit as effortless.
I dreamed sweet freaking erotic dreams of Edward that night. I woke up panting three separate times. Even in my dreams he made me come undone. That was some power right there man.
*****
I gave myself a pep talk on the drive to school, trying to prepare myself for the inevitable staring and questions that would now follow me around like the cloud of dust that followed Pig Pen in Peanuts. There was also Jessica’s big fucking mouth and Mike’s idiocy to deal with. So much fun everywhere I looked. I wasn’t going to be stupid two days in a row. Today if Edward offered to walk me to class, I was taking him up on it. We could field the shit together, put on a united front or some such crap. Hell, I just wanted him with me, come shit storm or not.
I beat him to school for once, and waited by my truck for him. He parked a few spots down from me. Alice smiled and waved, and I waved back. Jasper smiled and tipped his head in my direction to say hello. Emmett nodded too. Rosalie, in her usual fashion, ignored my existence. That was just fine with me. Edward let them all walk away before he came over to me, smiling from ear to ear.
“Whatcha smiling about?” I wondered.
“Nothing,” he informed me in an almost smug tone.
“You know I know you’re full of shit right?”
“Yes,” he smirked.
“Seriously Edward, what is up?”
“Nothing, honestly. I’m just happy.”
“About?” I prodded.
“I had a talk with my Dad and it left me in a good mood.”
“Oh.”
“Oh?” he wondered.
I explained myself. “Oh, as in ‘oh my God why are you talking to your Dad?’”
“I was telling him about you for one.”
Cue the insta-blush. “You told your Dad about me?” This could not work out in my favour.
“I needed to explain my long absences, and for that matter my lack of attention even when I am there.” Edward’s finger came out to stroke my red cheek. “Why are you blushing?”
“I’m not exactly ‘bring home to the parents’ material Edward. There is no way your parents are going to like me.”
“That’s not true at all,” he smiled. “My Mother is thrilled I’m in love. My Father too, although not in such an intense way as my Mother.” He laughed a quiet silvery laugh that put things into perspective for me. She must have been pretty damn happy to make Edward laugh like that. I would have to avoid meeting his Mother at all costs so I wouldn’t shatter her dreams. Let her have her perfect happy thoughts of her son finding perfect love with a perfect-in-every-way girl who was equally as perfect as her perfect son. In other words, the opposite of what he’d found with me.
“Perfect,” I mumbled, rolling my eyes.
“What?” he asked, his mouth rounding into a small pout. He had it wrong. He had a pretty powerful pout in his bag of tricks too.
“Nothing,” I lied, shuffling forward on my crutches. I didn’t need another person to disappoint.
“Bella, please tell me,” he requested, trying to persuade me with his velvety voice.
I stopped, looking up at him, and tried to force my best smile to my face. “I’m sure she had someone else entirely in mind for you. I’ll only disappoint her.”
Edward’s face crumpled in offence. “Stop it,” he insisted. “She’ll love you.”
“Yeah, I’m every Mother’s dream, from my colourful vocabulary to my suspension, not to mention my anger management problems. I’m sure the thought of me makes her drool.”
“She will love you just because I do. She doesn’t need more encouragement or reason than that, but even if she did, she would find you to be intelligent, humorous and sweet all on her own.”
“Yes that’s a constant label that’s put on me…sweet.” I rolled my eyes.
“You’re just disagreeing to be difficult. You don’t know Esme. She’s very loving. She has a great capacity to look past someone’s shortcomings and see only the good in them. Perhaps she could teach you to see it in yourself too?”
“You’d like that wouldn’t you?” I snarked.
“I would,” he agreed, “but not for the reason you’re thinking. You’re a good person Bella. I only want you to see yourself through my eyes.”
“As the beautiful, intelligent, perfect girlfriend?” I joked.
“To me you are.” I expected him to laugh but he didn’t. I looked up at him and his face was very serious.
“I was kidding,” I informed him.
“I wasn’t.” I could see the conviction in his eyes. I pressed up on to my toes and kissed the tip of his nose. It was a better comeback than the answer I wanted to give him, and maybe keeping that answer to myself made me deserve one tenth of one percent of the credit he gave me. We walked the rest of the way to English in silence. I couldn’t get my own set of labels out of my head and I didn’t want to speak them and upset Edward. He stroked my cheek softly to say goodbye.
“Edward?” I called quietly, after he walked away. He hadn’t asked if he could walk me to class.
“Yes?”
“Will you pick me up after Government?” I could last two periods without seeing him.
“I’d love to.” He smiled back at me, happy for the invitation. I watched him leave, mumbling under my breath so he wouldn’t hear me. “Average, mouthy and broken.” Those labels were a much better fit.
*****
If Jessica Stanley’s eyes got any bigger they were going to pop out of her head, never mind her gaping mouth. She’d seen me kiss him for fuck’s sake. Why was him walking me to Trig a bigger deal than that?
“What’s her deal?” I wondered rhetorically.
“You don’t want to know,” he mumbled under his breath. I’d never seen him look so disgusted.
“Actually I do,” I informed him as my mind exploded with possibilities at the innuendo hidden in his tone.
“Later,” he promised. I would hold him to that. He leaned into my body, letting his lips brush against my ear. “Love you.” I swear he did it on purpose, invading my space, tickling my ear with his lips, breathing more heavily while whispering in my ear so that his breath would make me shiver. I closed my eyes and savoured the moment. When I opened them he was smiling at me. “What?”
Like he didn’t know. I thought about answering him, about copying his actions and whispering into his ear but it wouldn’t have the same effect on him as it did on me. Instead, I pressed up on my toes and kissed him sweetly on the lips. “Me too,” I whispered. He was so stunned his mouth didn’t even react to mine. I chuckled and shuffled into the classroom, leaving both Edward and Jessica in the hallway gaping at me. I’d probably regret it later, but right at that moment, I was pretty damn proud of myself.
Jessica stared at me for the entire class. If it hadn’t been for my stunt in the hallway, I would be starting to worry that she had a crush on me. Outwardly, she was making googly eyes at me, but I knew what she was thinking about, and it sure as hell wasn’t me. It was the six foot something bronze-haired handsome son of a bitch I’d kissed in the hallway. My once upon a time assumption about Jessica liking Edward was now a clear fact. I couldn’t blame her. All you had to do was look at Edward for about one millisecond to see that he was clearly the best looking boy in the junior class, although admittedly, I was biased on the subject. Still, I couldn’t help but wonder if it was just unrequited lust on Jessica’s part, or if there was more to the story. Jessica was an annoying big-mouthed slut, but she was all right looking. I couldn’t imagine what she had done to Edward to deserve his disgust. I definitely needed to have a candid conversation with Edward regarding Jessica’s crush.
I was considering striking up a conversation with Jessica when class ended, but as I turned to get out of my chair there she was, beside my desk, smiling a big fake smile at me.
“Hi Bella. I was wondering if Edward was going to be picking you? Because if he’s not, well, I could help you…if you need help, like carry your bag or something? Like he does.” She giggled like a head-over-heals tween fan girl crushing on a Hollywood starlet, because somehow the notion of carrying my backpack brought her one step closer to Edward. It was so over the top I snorted. I think Jessica thought I was being friendly. I bit my tongue and held in my correction. Maybe she could fill in some of the blanks about her crush on him.
“No, he’s not picking me up, and I can carry my own bag thanks.”
“Really?” She seemed genuinely surprised at my refusal, because somehow the fact that we’d never spoken more than two words at a time to one another, or as much as said hello in the hallways made us best friends apparently. “Because I don’t mind. I’m sure he’d like it if someone helped you, since he seems to be…worried about you.” Again with the giggling, although admittedly, her choice of verbiage was amusing. I smirked.
“I’m completely capable of getting myself to my next class in one piece,” I assured her.
“Yeah but since we have class together it would be just as easy for me to help you, maybe better…for you.”
I threw my backpack over my shoulder and used my crutches to pull myself out of my seat, pushing them under my arms and moving forward. “You can walk with me I suppose,” I mumbled, feeling like an awkward faker. In a million years, Jessica Stanley and I would never be friends. It’s not that we were necessarily that dissimilar, more that she cared about shit that just didn’t matter to me, like popularity and school spirit and Mike Newton. In fact, the only thing we probably had in common was Edward, and I’m fairly certain we weren’t going to be bonding over him.
“So, you and Edward,” she started, as soon as we were in the hallway. At least the hundreds of kids tramping through the halls drowned out her voice. No one would hear the question I was about to ask her.
“I think you’d like it to be you and Edward?” I looked at her face as she burst into a fit of giggles that she tried to turn into sarcasm and absurdity.
“No, I mean come on, just no. Why did he say something?”
“No, it’s just a vibe I get from you.”
“So how did you guys like…meet or whatever?”
“We have a class together. How did you meet Edward, Jessica?”
“Well we’ve never really met, like formally or whatever, but we had a class together last year. I’m surprised he never mentioned it.” I wasn’t.
“And you like him.” It wasn’t a question.
“Well I mean God, look at him. He’s hot.” I chuckled. She had me there. “But I mean nothing happened. Seriously Bella. He was like ‘not interested,’ or going out with someone from another school or something I heard. You’re lucky. I’ve never seen him pay attention to anyone here at school. How did you get him to pay attention to you?”
“I ignored him.” Among other things, like kissing him when he wasn’t expecting it, but all things that Jessica really didn’t need to know the details of.
“Well did you try asking him out Jessica? Maybe he didn’t know you liked him?” My feigning interest in her attempts to score with Edward seemed a bit cruel, but I didn’t know how else to ask her about it.
“God no, well, not directly. I mean I wrote him a note…or a few notes, and like left them in his locker and stuff, but I never had the guts to ask him out.” She giggled again, but it wasn’t the same. She was trying to hide her embarrassment. She was holding something back from me.
“You should have, Jessica. You’re a pretty girl. I bet you he would have said yes if you’d asked.” I was lying through my teeth now.
She snorted and tried to put me off. “No way. I don’t think I’m his type. Once though, like in the summer, a bunch of us were out hiking and ran into Edward and his brother Emmett, so we hung out for a while, like as a group or whatever.” That didn’t sound like Edward at all and I bit my lip to keep from smirking, imagining poor Edward stuck chatting with a bunch of girls like Jessica and trying not to look entirely bored. Jessica’s voice roused me from my daydreaming. “Can I ask you something?”
“Depends what,” I warned.
“What’s it like to kiss him?” Her voice was just a strained whisper. The sudden shift in her intensity sort of freaked me out.
“What do you think it’s like?” I mumbled rhetorically. I really didn’t think my thoughts on what a fantastic kisser Edward was were going to make her fantasies any sweeter than they likely already were.
“It’s just that you’re the only person that’s ever gotten close to him. Seriously, ever since his family moved here from Alaska, I’ve rarely ever seen him even speak to anyone that he wasn’t related to. Don’t you think it’s odd that you’re the only person outside of his brothers and sisters that he’s ever had the time of day for?”
“Thanks Jessica.” Nothing like making an already awkward situation even more awkward. “I guess you’ll have to take that one up with Edward.”
“I didn’t mean to be insulting. It’s just that you are the girl that every junior in the school wants to be…and I don’t get it. What makes you so different from the rest of us?” she asked accusatorily. I take it back. Jessica and I were completely dissimilar, or God help me if I was this much of an idiot.
“I guess…I guess I’m just a freak Jessica.”
“Yeah, but how are you a freak?” Her absolute lack of tact was astounding.
“Maybe Edward likes his girls dark and broken?” I offered sarcastically.
“Or maybe he likes the girls that put out…” she mumbled quietly. I don’t think I was supposed to hear her, but obviously I did.
“I doubt it, or he would have liked you.”
She huffed defensively. “Like you don’t put out. I saw you with your tongue jammed down his throat Bella.”
“So that makes me a slut like you, because you caught me kissing him?”
“Well if he were my boyfriend, you better believe I’d be sleeping with him already, and I’d be screaming it from the rooftops. If you’re not a ‘slut like me’ as you put it, then you’re not only stupid, you’re dark, broken and virginal.” My eyes popped open wide at her accusation. So what if I was a virgin?
“Fuck you Jessica.”
“Well somebody should be fucking. Tell Edward I’ll gladly pick up your slack. In fact, tell him to give me a call when he’s done playing pretend with you.”
This was exactly the shit that I hated - people talking about such intensely personal things as what might or might not be happening between the sheets with me and my boyfriend, when it was nobody’s fucking business but mine. My blood was boiling. “If you know what’s best for you, you will get the hell away from me right now and never say another fucking word to me again,” I warned.
“Leave it to Edward to pick the most frigid seventeen-year-old girl in Forks.” That was it. I took my crutch and cracked her over the knee with it. She fell to the floor, clutching her leg to her body, and crying like a banshee. I tottered away unsteadily on my crutches, trying to block out her screaming and pretending that nothing had happened. I took my seat in Spanish. About ten minutes later they came for me, or a note did, requesting my presence in the office.
I lied right to the principal’s face when he asked me what happened. I told him it was all a horrible accident. I explained that I was a little clumsy with my crutches, and that in the busy hallways I found it difficult to maneuver. I dishonestly alluded to the idea that I must have accidentally hit Jessica with my crutch while trying to rush to Spanish. Luckily, he bought every word. I breathed a sigh of relief. I knew Jessica wouldn’t refute my version of things because that would mean admitting what she’d said to me. Jessica was too big a coward to take the blame. While the idea of talking about my virginity to the principal was gag inducing, I would have done it so that Jessica got what was coming to her. There was no way I was going down for hitting her, not without taking her with me, and the universe was on my side for once. The principal let me head to lunch ten minutes early. I shuffled to the cafeteria to wait for Edward.
Edward was one of the first people to get to the cafeteria and he looked very upset when he walked through the door. He came right over to where I was sitting and slid in next to me.
“Are you okay?” he asked, his voice strangled and upset.
“What are you talking about?” I wondered. Class just got out. He couldn’t know what happened yet, not unless people were texting it from inside class, and even then it’s not like someone was going to text him.
“About what Jessica said to you, and what happened in the office.”
“But how could you…” It didn’t make sense how he could know.
“I heard what Jessica said,” he informed me in a hushed tone.
“You heard what Jessica said?”
“Yes…in a round about way.”
“What the fuck does that mean? How could you hear what she said? You’re not in my Spanish class and there is no way in hell you could have heard it through the grapevine yet.” The expression on his face became pained and did not match the intensity in his eyes.
“She was downright boorish, impertinent and vulgar.”
“How do you know that?” I demanded. His hand gently cupped my elbow and he helped me up to standing.
“Let’s go outside…for a little privacy,” he whispered, grabbing my crutches and handing them to me.
“Why do we need privacy?” I wondered, confused. “Can’t you just tell me how the hell you know about what happened with Jessica?”
“I will, I just want some privacy to do it.” He didn’t look comfortable at all, his body tense and his face almost ashamed. I felt so friggen lost. I was the one who’d been insulted, embarrassed, and guilted. What did he have to feel bad about? I trudged along behind him as he led me to his car, fighting the urge to runaway. There was no way this could be good.
In his usual way, he helped me into the car and got me settled before going around to his side and sliding in behind the steering wheel. To my surprise, he started the engine and shifted the car into drive before speaking a word to me. It was as if he could sense my fight or flight response and was taking away my avenue to take flight. It was frightening how well he knew me really.
“So spill Edward. I don’t even want the spiel. I just want to know what’s bothering you.”
“It’s not quite that simple Bella.”
“Oh it sure as hell is that simple. ‘Bella I’m bothered by’ dot dot dot and fill in the blank.”
“You asked me how I could know, and there’s an explanation, but I don’t think you’re going to like it very much.”
“So?”
“You’re a very observant person Bella.”
“And that has what to do with a hill of beans?” I asked, trying and failing to hide my irritation.
“I’ve told you before that people are easy for me to read.”
“Yeah, so? You also told me that I wasn’t? I don’t follow you.”
“Yes exactly. I can’t read you at all, which is why I’m always asking if you’re okay. There’s no other way for me to know but ask you.”
“What other way is there to know besides asking?” I questioned, confused. “Please don’t tell me there is something wrong with me. I’ve already had one person today accuse me of…” He cut me off.
“You are not a freak Bella, regardless of what Jessica thinks. Nothing happened with her by the way, not like it did in her mind I mean and those wretched horrible notes.”
“Wh-wh-what?” I stared at him wide-eyed in shock. He kept his eyes on the road and did not look at my face. “How did…how did you know we talked about the notes? And ‘freak?’ Did you pick that word purposely or is it a eerie coincidental accident?”
“See? Very observant.”
“What are you saying Edward? That you can somehow hear random conversations?”
“Not exactly.”
“What exactly then?” I put my hand on his forearm. “Pull over Edward. I need your full attention.” He did as I asked, parking the car at the nearest curb. He turned to look at me with a very solemn face.
“I have very good hearing, but I didn’t overhear your conversation with Jessica, not with my ears anyway.”
“How else can you hear a conversation?” I demanded loudly. “I mean for fuck’s sake Edward, I know you seem to have a six sense with reading people but…” I stopped to think about my own words. He always seemed to know what people were thinking. I’d never really stopped to think about it because he never knew what I was thinking. In fact, he’d once made a joke about our relationship being easier if he could read my mind, but assured me he could not. Was it possible that he’d been trying to tell me all along that he could indeed read other people’s minds? All of the little hints he’d dropped along with way…Mike’s thoughts about me and about how Mike felt about him, the times when it seemed like he was having silent conversations with Alice, how he knew that Charlie understood we were together, and now, the conversation I’d had with Jessica. There were so many little things I’d discounted along the way as coincidence. Was I really that naïve that I hadn’t picked up on it?
“What am I thinking?” I asked tersely.
“I’m not sure,” he replied in a hushed tone.
“No I mean what am I thinking?”
“I don’t know.”
“You’ve got to try, don’t you? Are you trying?”
“Am I trying what?” he asked.
“To read my mind?”
“No,” he informed me glumly.
“So I’m wrong?”
“No, you’re right, but it’s a waste of time for me to try and read your mind. Your mind is silent.”
“It is not,” I disagreed. “There are all kinds of things going on up there. It’s a scary place I assure you!”
“What I meant is it’s silent to me.”
“So let me get this straight? You can read…” I looked out the window and pointed to an old man walking his dog. “You can read that guy’s mind right there?”
“He’s thinking about the cold weather, wishing his dog would hurry up,” Edward informed me absently.
“So you can ready his mind, but you can’t read mine?”
“Correct.”
“Am I the only one you can’t read?”
“The one and only,” he agreed petulantly. I had to bite my lip from smiling at his irritation.
“That’s so cool!” I blurted, almost giddy with satisfaction. My boyfriend, who was seriously fantastic all on his own, could read minds on top of all his other awesomeness, with only a single exception, me. I couldn’t put my excitement into words.
A/N: The next chapter will continue the conversation at the end of the chapter because one of my favourite readers wanted to hear Edward's thoughts on a few things so, because I adore her, I'm switching viewpoints right there. It's a good place to switch viewpoints, but maybe not such a great place to slam door on this chapter. Forgive me?
Reviews provide more satisfaction than busting boorish, impertinent, vulgar-mouthed Jessica's knee, seriously ;o)
Chapter 27: Clairvoyance (Previous Chapters: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19.1, 19.2, 20, 21, 22.1, 22.2, 23, 24, 25, 26)
Author:JCAddict/picklewinkle/Sher
Fandom: Twilight
Word Count:5,204
Rating: R/M, for sex and language
Story Summary: An angry young woman is forced to move to the town of Forks, Washington and decides that alone is the best way to be. She buries her heart under her anger and puts on a tough façade that very few people are able to break through. Can the love of a teenage vampire get through to the lost girl inside, even when his true nature is revealed? AU (alternative universe) and OOC (out of character). Bella is uber OOC. Edward, not so much.
Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight and all of its characters. I'm just manipulating them like imaginary playdoh so I feel like I have some power over them **snorts**
27. Clairvoyance
Muchas gracias for all of the reviews. I haven't had a chance to answer all of them yet but as soon as I get this chapter posted that is my job and I shall be all over it like stink on a monkey.
Apparently writing fluff flows much like molasses for me, slooooooowwwwww. This chapter has been staring at me for days and in truth, I'm just sick of looking at it. There is lots of Bella introspection in it, but little else. Okay, well maybe some Jessica bashing too. *snorts* Anywho, I'm hoping it's enough to keep you interested. Transition people, transition...
From Bella's POV...
Edward was going to be the death of me. One day he was going to touch me and I was just going to spontaneously combust. I couldn’t deny the heat between us, nor did I want to. When it came to loving me, I was like a book with every answer inside, all he had to do was open me up and read the pages. Tonight, things between us escalated further than ever before, and it was completely my fault.
The morons at school kept me down all day long with their gossiping, but they also made me realize something. I was a lot happier when Edward was around. I needed him, and admitting that so succinctly to myself scared the shit out of me. For the first time in months there was something in my life that mattered to me, that mattered more than anything, and I couldn’t pretend that the idea of losing him was as scary as fuck to me. I despised the vulnerability in it.
My fear sucked me in as the day progressed. I worried all afternoon that the magnitude of my need for him made us very one-sided. It didn’t make sense that he could need me in the same way I needed him. He had a family and a life. I was just an addition to it. He had become my whole world, or damn near close to it. I needed time to get used to the idea before I shared it with him, and it made me feel like shit to keep it from him. I knew I was upsetting him because he kept asking me if I was okay. I tried to put him off, telling him each time to stop worrying, but I never fooled him. He was Edward though, always reassuring and patient, and he gave me the space and time I needed to accept it. I so did not deserve his goodness.
By the time we left for the forest after school, it was eating me alive. Finding the courage to be open about it was motherfucking hard. I felt like admitting how much I needed him was like writing him an invitation to leave me. Look at the crazy needy loser-girl who is holding on like a leech. Kick her to the curb! He carried me to our little spot in the forest and I knew it was time to come clean. There, in the safety and comfort of his arms I whispered my big revelation. It seemed like such a huge deal in my head, but it came out sounding normal I think. It caught him off guard. Instead of answering me, he kissed me; fantastic affectionate kisses with tiny messages of love murmured against my lips, which of course whipped me into a frenzy. I’m not sure if they were supposed to or not, but I couldn’t fault Edward for being unaware of the power of his perfect mouth. When I finally settled down, he told me he felt the same way, and then it was his turn to lose it. I’m not going to pretend that the power in making Edward Cullen unable to control himself was not heady. It was unparalleled and addictive.
I could quite literally kiss him for hours. I would liken it to rush hour traffic. The majority of the time our kissing was like bumper-to-bumper traffic, inching along with caution and patience. Every now and again, traffic would break and we’d gun our engines and break every speed limit until we hit the next slow down, and in those periods we took turns losing control. I would get lost in his kiss, letting his perfect lips and tongue take me under. There was nothing on Earth like his love. When I surfaced for air, I would touch him in a certain way or pull myself to him and he’d come undone. We spent the rest of the afternoon like that. I was sad to see it end.
There was something about the way he made me feel when he touched me. The world melted away and we became the only two people that existed. The problem for me became controlling myself. I had no idea how far or how fast he wanted to move. I mean he was a guy, so I was assuming that sex was not something he was going to say no to, but he’d never given me any indication of his expectations in that department. I’d never really considered giving myself to anyone before. There was never anyone who deserved it until now. Sex had become a frequent topic on my mind recently. My fantasies were getting more and more erotic, filling my mind with all sorts of ideas of things I’d like to do to him, of ways I’d like to make him feel. And don’t even get me started on the things I’d wanted him to do to me.
Every time I got near him I wanted more of him. Today I’d untucked his shirt to feel his skin, and maybe it was too forward of me. Edward seemed a bit shocked that I wanted to touch him. He must have momentarily forgotten how goddamn beautiful he was. What woman in her right mind wouldn’t want to touch him? I tried to reel it in after that and did pretty darn well, at least until I went to kiss him goodbye. I didn’t want to leave him yet and begin a long night without him, so I was a bit mopey. He mistook it for something more, and when I told him to stop worrying, he told me he couldn’t because I was his whole world. The words set me off in a hundred ways - desire, love, lust, awe - but in that moment I knew I would give myself to him eventually. It was only a matter of time.
How do you repay your boyfriend when he tells you that you’re his whole world, when he echoes the way you feel without ever having been told? Well if you’re me, you make good and sure he knows you feel the same. I’m pretty sure I made my intention to be with him quite obvious in the way I shoved my tongue into his mouth and wrapped my leg around his thighs and pressed my breasts into his chest. I wanted him. I wanted him to know I wanted him. I didn’t even have the dignity to feel embarrassed about my actions. I had no idea how to have a conversation about sex with Edward, but I knew how to show him. Showing him my love was as natural as breathing, and every bit as effortless.
I dreamed sweet freaking erotic dreams of Edward that night. I woke up panting three separate times. Even in my dreams he made me come undone. That was some power right there man.
*****
I gave myself a pep talk on the drive to school, trying to prepare myself for the inevitable staring and questions that would now follow me around like the cloud of dust that followed Pig Pen in Peanuts. There was also Jessica’s big fucking mouth and Mike’s idiocy to deal with. So much fun everywhere I looked. I wasn’t going to be stupid two days in a row. Today if Edward offered to walk me to class, I was taking him up on it. We could field the shit together, put on a united front or some such crap. Hell, I just wanted him with me, come shit storm or not.
I beat him to school for once, and waited by my truck for him. He parked a few spots down from me. Alice smiled and waved, and I waved back. Jasper smiled and tipped his head in my direction to say hello. Emmett nodded too. Rosalie, in her usual fashion, ignored my existence. That was just fine with me. Edward let them all walk away before he came over to me, smiling from ear to ear.
“Whatcha smiling about?” I wondered.
“Nothing,” he informed me in an almost smug tone.
“You know I know you’re full of shit right?”
“Yes,” he smirked.
“Seriously Edward, what is up?”
“Nothing, honestly. I’m just happy.”
“About?” I prodded.
“I had a talk with my Dad and it left me in a good mood.”
“Oh.”
“Oh?” he wondered.
I explained myself. “Oh, as in ‘oh my God why are you talking to your Dad?’”
“I was telling him about you for one.”
Cue the insta-blush. “You told your Dad about me?” This could not work out in my favour.
“I needed to explain my long absences, and for that matter my lack of attention even when I am there.” Edward’s finger came out to stroke my red cheek. “Why are you blushing?”
“I’m not exactly ‘bring home to the parents’ material Edward. There is no way your parents are going to like me.”
“That’s not true at all,” he smiled. “My Mother is thrilled I’m in love. My Father too, although not in such an intense way as my Mother.” He laughed a quiet silvery laugh that put things into perspective for me. She must have been pretty damn happy to make Edward laugh like that. I would have to avoid meeting his Mother at all costs so I wouldn’t shatter her dreams. Let her have her perfect happy thoughts of her son finding perfect love with a perfect-in-every-way girl who was equally as perfect as her perfect son. In other words, the opposite of what he’d found with me.
“Perfect,” I mumbled, rolling my eyes.
“What?” he asked, his mouth rounding into a small pout. He had it wrong. He had a pretty powerful pout in his bag of tricks too.
“Nothing,” I lied, shuffling forward on my crutches. I didn’t need another person to disappoint.
“Bella, please tell me,” he requested, trying to persuade me with his velvety voice.
I stopped, looking up at him, and tried to force my best smile to my face. “I’m sure she had someone else entirely in mind for you. I’ll only disappoint her.”
Edward’s face crumpled in offence. “Stop it,” he insisted. “She’ll love you.”
“Yeah, I’m every Mother’s dream, from my colourful vocabulary to my suspension, not to mention my anger management problems. I’m sure the thought of me makes her drool.”
“She will love you just because I do. She doesn’t need more encouragement or reason than that, but even if she did, she would find you to be intelligent, humorous and sweet all on her own.”
“Yes that’s a constant label that’s put on me…sweet.” I rolled my eyes.
“You’re just disagreeing to be difficult. You don’t know Esme. She’s very loving. She has a great capacity to look past someone’s shortcomings and see only the good in them. Perhaps she could teach you to see it in yourself too?”
“You’d like that wouldn’t you?” I snarked.
“I would,” he agreed, “but not for the reason you’re thinking. You’re a good person Bella. I only want you to see yourself through my eyes.”
“As the beautiful, intelligent, perfect girlfriend?” I joked.
“To me you are.” I expected him to laugh but he didn’t. I looked up at him and his face was very serious.
“I was kidding,” I informed him.
“I wasn’t.” I could see the conviction in his eyes. I pressed up on to my toes and kissed the tip of his nose. It was a better comeback than the answer I wanted to give him, and maybe keeping that answer to myself made me deserve one tenth of one percent of the credit he gave me. We walked the rest of the way to English in silence. I couldn’t get my own set of labels out of my head and I didn’t want to speak them and upset Edward. He stroked my cheek softly to say goodbye.
“Edward?” I called quietly, after he walked away. He hadn’t asked if he could walk me to class.
“Yes?”
“Will you pick me up after Government?” I could last two periods without seeing him.
“I’d love to.” He smiled back at me, happy for the invitation. I watched him leave, mumbling under my breath so he wouldn’t hear me. “Average, mouthy and broken.” Those labels were a much better fit.
*****
If Jessica Stanley’s eyes got any bigger they were going to pop out of her head, never mind her gaping mouth. She’d seen me kiss him for fuck’s sake. Why was him walking me to Trig a bigger deal than that?
“What’s her deal?” I wondered rhetorically.
“You don’t want to know,” he mumbled under his breath. I’d never seen him look so disgusted.
“Actually I do,” I informed him as my mind exploded with possibilities at the innuendo hidden in his tone.
“Later,” he promised. I would hold him to that. He leaned into my body, letting his lips brush against my ear. “Love you.” I swear he did it on purpose, invading my space, tickling my ear with his lips, breathing more heavily while whispering in my ear so that his breath would make me shiver. I closed my eyes and savoured the moment. When I opened them he was smiling at me. “What?”
Like he didn’t know. I thought about answering him, about copying his actions and whispering into his ear but it wouldn’t have the same effect on him as it did on me. Instead, I pressed up on my toes and kissed him sweetly on the lips. “Me too,” I whispered. He was so stunned his mouth didn’t even react to mine. I chuckled and shuffled into the classroom, leaving both Edward and Jessica in the hallway gaping at me. I’d probably regret it later, but right at that moment, I was pretty damn proud of myself.
Jessica stared at me for the entire class. If it hadn’t been for my stunt in the hallway, I would be starting to worry that she had a crush on me. Outwardly, she was making googly eyes at me, but I knew what she was thinking about, and it sure as hell wasn’t me. It was the six foot something bronze-haired handsome son of a bitch I’d kissed in the hallway. My once upon a time assumption about Jessica liking Edward was now a clear fact. I couldn’t blame her. All you had to do was look at Edward for about one millisecond to see that he was clearly the best looking boy in the junior class, although admittedly, I was biased on the subject. Still, I couldn’t help but wonder if it was just unrequited lust on Jessica’s part, or if there was more to the story. Jessica was an annoying big-mouthed slut, but she was all right looking. I couldn’t imagine what she had done to Edward to deserve his disgust. I definitely needed to have a candid conversation with Edward regarding Jessica’s crush.
I was considering striking up a conversation with Jessica when class ended, but as I turned to get out of my chair there she was, beside my desk, smiling a big fake smile at me.
“Hi Bella. I was wondering if Edward was going to be picking you? Because if he’s not, well, I could help you…if you need help, like carry your bag or something? Like he does.” She giggled like a head-over-heals tween fan girl crushing on a Hollywood starlet, because somehow the notion of carrying my backpack brought her one step closer to Edward. It was so over the top I snorted. I think Jessica thought I was being friendly. I bit my tongue and held in my correction. Maybe she could fill in some of the blanks about her crush on him.
“No, he’s not picking me up, and I can carry my own bag thanks.”
“Really?” She seemed genuinely surprised at my refusal, because somehow the fact that we’d never spoken more than two words at a time to one another, or as much as said hello in the hallways made us best friends apparently. “Because I don’t mind. I’m sure he’d like it if someone helped you, since he seems to be…worried about you.” Again with the giggling, although admittedly, her choice of verbiage was amusing. I smirked.
“I’m completely capable of getting myself to my next class in one piece,” I assured her.
“Yeah but since we have class together it would be just as easy for me to help you, maybe better…for you.”
I threw my backpack over my shoulder and used my crutches to pull myself out of my seat, pushing them under my arms and moving forward. “You can walk with me I suppose,” I mumbled, feeling like an awkward faker. In a million years, Jessica Stanley and I would never be friends. It’s not that we were necessarily that dissimilar, more that she cared about shit that just didn’t matter to me, like popularity and school spirit and Mike Newton. In fact, the only thing we probably had in common was Edward, and I’m fairly certain we weren’t going to be bonding over him.
“So, you and Edward,” she started, as soon as we were in the hallway. At least the hundreds of kids tramping through the halls drowned out her voice. No one would hear the question I was about to ask her.
“I think you’d like it to be you and Edward?” I looked at her face as she burst into a fit of giggles that she tried to turn into sarcasm and absurdity.
“No, I mean come on, just no. Why did he say something?”
“No, it’s just a vibe I get from you.”
“So how did you guys like…meet or whatever?”
“We have a class together. How did you meet Edward, Jessica?”
“Well we’ve never really met, like formally or whatever, but we had a class together last year. I’m surprised he never mentioned it.” I wasn’t.
“And you like him.” It wasn’t a question.
“Well I mean God, look at him. He’s hot.” I chuckled. She had me there. “But I mean nothing happened. Seriously Bella. He was like ‘not interested,’ or going out with someone from another school or something I heard. You’re lucky. I’ve never seen him pay attention to anyone here at school. How did you get him to pay attention to you?”
“I ignored him.” Among other things, like kissing him when he wasn’t expecting it, but all things that Jessica really didn’t need to know the details of.
“Well did you try asking him out Jessica? Maybe he didn’t know you liked him?” My feigning interest in her attempts to score with Edward seemed a bit cruel, but I didn’t know how else to ask her about it.
“God no, well, not directly. I mean I wrote him a note…or a few notes, and like left them in his locker and stuff, but I never had the guts to ask him out.” She giggled again, but it wasn’t the same. She was trying to hide her embarrassment. She was holding something back from me.
“You should have, Jessica. You’re a pretty girl. I bet you he would have said yes if you’d asked.” I was lying through my teeth now.
She snorted and tried to put me off. “No way. I don’t think I’m his type. Once though, like in the summer, a bunch of us were out hiking and ran into Edward and his brother Emmett, so we hung out for a while, like as a group or whatever.” That didn’t sound like Edward at all and I bit my lip to keep from smirking, imagining poor Edward stuck chatting with a bunch of girls like Jessica and trying not to look entirely bored. Jessica’s voice roused me from my daydreaming. “Can I ask you something?”
“Depends what,” I warned.
“What’s it like to kiss him?” Her voice was just a strained whisper. The sudden shift in her intensity sort of freaked me out.
“What do you think it’s like?” I mumbled rhetorically. I really didn’t think my thoughts on what a fantastic kisser Edward was were going to make her fantasies any sweeter than they likely already were.
“It’s just that you’re the only person that’s ever gotten close to him. Seriously, ever since his family moved here from Alaska, I’ve rarely ever seen him even speak to anyone that he wasn’t related to. Don’t you think it’s odd that you’re the only person outside of his brothers and sisters that he’s ever had the time of day for?”
“Thanks Jessica.” Nothing like making an already awkward situation even more awkward. “I guess you’ll have to take that one up with Edward.”
“I didn’t mean to be insulting. It’s just that you are the girl that every junior in the school wants to be…and I don’t get it. What makes you so different from the rest of us?” she asked accusatorily. I take it back. Jessica and I were completely dissimilar, or God help me if I was this much of an idiot.
“I guess…I guess I’m just a freak Jessica.”
“Yeah, but how are you a freak?” Her absolute lack of tact was astounding.
“Maybe Edward likes his girls dark and broken?” I offered sarcastically.
“Or maybe he likes the girls that put out…” she mumbled quietly. I don’t think I was supposed to hear her, but obviously I did.
“I doubt it, or he would have liked you.”
She huffed defensively. “Like you don’t put out. I saw you with your tongue jammed down his throat Bella.”
“So that makes me a slut like you, because you caught me kissing him?”
“Well if he were my boyfriend, you better believe I’d be sleeping with him already, and I’d be screaming it from the rooftops. If you’re not a ‘slut like me’ as you put it, then you’re not only stupid, you’re dark, broken and virginal.” My eyes popped open wide at her accusation. So what if I was a virgin?
“Fuck you Jessica.”
“Well somebody should be fucking. Tell Edward I’ll gladly pick up your slack. In fact, tell him to give me a call when he’s done playing pretend with you.”
This was exactly the shit that I hated - people talking about such intensely personal things as what might or might not be happening between the sheets with me and my boyfriend, when it was nobody’s fucking business but mine. My blood was boiling. “If you know what’s best for you, you will get the hell away from me right now and never say another fucking word to me again,” I warned.
“Leave it to Edward to pick the most frigid seventeen-year-old girl in Forks.” That was it. I took my crutch and cracked her over the knee with it. She fell to the floor, clutching her leg to her body, and crying like a banshee. I tottered away unsteadily on my crutches, trying to block out her screaming and pretending that nothing had happened. I took my seat in Spanish. About ten minutes later they came for me, or a note did, requesting my presence in the office.
I lied right to the principal’s face when he asked me what happened. I told him it was all a horrible accident. I explained that I was a little clumsy with my crutches, and that in the busy hallways I found it difficult to maneuver. I dishonestly alluded to the idea that I must have accidentally hit Jessica with my crutch while trying to rush to Spanish. Luckily, he bought every word. I breathed a sigh of relief. I knew Jessica wouldn’t refute my version of things because that would mean admitting what she’d said to me. Jessica was too big a coward to take the blame. While the idea of talking about my virginity to the principal was gag inducing, I would have done it so that Jessica got what was coming to her. There was no way I was going down for hitting her, not without taking her with me, and the universe was on my side for once. The principal let me head to lunch ten minutes early. I shuffled to the cafeteria to wait for Edward.
Edward was one of the first people to get to the cafeteria and he looked very upset when he walked through the door. He came right over to where I was sitting and slid in next to me.
“Are you okay?” he asked, his voice strangled and upset.
“What are you talking about?” I wondered. Class just got out. He couldn’t know what happened yet, not unless people were texting it from inside class, and even then it’s not like someone was going to text him.
“About what Jessica said to you, and what happened in the office.”
“But how could you…” It didn’t make sense how he could know.
“I heard what Jessica said,” he informed me in a hushed tone.
“You heard what Jessica said?”
“Yes…in a round about way.”
“What the fuck does that mean? How could you hear what she said? You’re not in my Spanish class and there is no way in hell you could have heard it through the grapevine yet.” The expression on his face became pained and did not match the intensity in his eyes.
“She was downright boorish, impertinent and vulgar.”
“How do you know that?” I demanded. His hand gently cupped my elbow and he helped me up to standing.
“Let’s go outside…for a little privacy,” he whispered, grabbing my crutches and handing them to me.
“Why do we need privacy?” I wondered, confused. “Can’t you just tell me how the hell you know about what happened with Jessica?”
“I will, I just want some privacy to do it.” He didn’t look comfortable at all, his body tense and his face almost ashamed. I felt so friggen lost. I was the one who’d been insulted, embarrassed, and guilted. What did he have to feel bad about? I trudged along behind him as he led me to his car, fighting the urge to runaway. There was no way this could be good.
In his usual way, he helped me into the car and got me settled before going around to his side and sliding in behind the steering wheel. To my surprise, he started the engine and shifted the car into drive before speaking a word to me. It was as if he could sense my fight or flight response and was taking away my avenue to take flight. It was frightening how well he knew me really.
“So spill Edward. I don’t even want the spiel. I just want to know what’s bothering you.”
“It’s not quite that simple Bella.”
“Oh it sure as hell is that simple. ‘Bella I’m bothered by’ dot dot dot and fill in the blank.”
“You asked me how I could know, and there’s an explanation, but I don’t think you’re going to like it very much.”
“So?”
“You’re a very observant person Bella.”
“And that has what to do with a hill of beans?” I asked, trying and failing to hide my irritation.
“I’ve told you before that people are easy for me to read.”
“Yeah, so? You also told me that I wasn’t? I don’t follow you.”
“Yes exactly. I can’t read you at all, which is why I’m always asking if you’re okay. There’s no other way for me to know but ask you.”
“What other way is there to know besides asking?” I questioned, confused. “Please don’t tell me there is something wrong with me. I’ve already had one person today accuse me of…” He cut me off.
“You are not a freak Bella, regardless of what Jessica thinks. Nothing happened with her by the way, not like it did in her mind I mean and those wretched horrible notes.”
“Wh-wh-what?” I stared at him wide-eyed in shock. He kept his eyes on the road and did not look at my face. “How did…how did you know we talked about the notes? And ‘freak?’ Did you pick that word purposely or is it a eerie coincidental accident?”
“See? Very observant.”
“What are you saying Edward? That you can somehow hear random conversations?”
“Not exactly.”
“What exactly then?” I put my hand on his forearm. “Pull over Edward. I need your full attention.” He did as I asked, parking the car at the nearest curb. He turned to look at me with a very solemn face.
“I have very good hearing, but I didn’t overhear your conversation with Jessica, not with my ears anyway.”
“How else can you hear a conversation?” I demanded loudly. “I mean for fuck’s sake Edward, I know you seem to have a six sense with reading people but…” I stopped to think about my own words. He always seemed to know what people were thinking. I’d never really stopped to think about it because he never knew what I was thinking. In fact, he’d once made a joke about our relationship being easier if he could read my mind, but assured me he could not. Was it possible that he’d been trying to tell me all along that he could indeed read other people’s minds? All of the little hints he’d dropped along with way…Mike’s thoughts about me and about how Mike felt about him, the times when it seemed like he was having silent conversations with Alice, how he knew that Charlie understood we were together, and now, the conversation I’d had with Jessica. There were so many little things I’d discounted along the way as coincidence. Was I really that naïve that I hadn’t picked up on it?
“What am I thinking?” I asked tersely.
“I’m not sure,” he replied in a hushed tone.
“No I mean what am I thinking?”
“I don’t know.”
“You’ve got to try, don’t you? Are you trying?”
“Am I trying what?” he asked.
“To read my mind?”
“No,” he informed me glumly.
“So I’m wrong?”
“No, you’re right, but it’s a waste of time for me to try and read your mind. Your mind is silent.”
“It is not,” I disagreed. “There are all kinds of things going on up there. It’s a scary place I assure you!”
“What I meant is it’s silent to me.”
“So let me get this straight? You can read…” I looked out the window and pointed to an old man walking his dog. “You can read that guy’s mind right there?”
“He’s thinking about the cold weather, wishing his dog would hurry up,” Edward informed me absently.
“So you can ready his mind, but you can’t read mine?”
“Correct.”
“Am I the only one you can’t read?”
“The one and only,” he agreed petulantly. I had to bite my lip from smiling at his irritation.
“That’s so cool!” I blurted, almost giddy with satisfaction. My boyfriend, who was seriously fantastic all on his own, could read minds on top of all his other awesomeness, with only a single exception, me. I couldn’t put my excitement into words.
A/N: The next chapter will continue the conversation at the end of the chapter because one of my favourite readers wanted to hear Edward's thoughts on a few things so, because I adore her, I'm switching viewpoints right there. It's a good place to switch viewpoints, but maybe not such a great place to slam door on this chapter. Forgive me?
Reviews provide more satisfaction than busting boorish, impertinent, vulgar-mouthed Jessica's knee, seriously ;o)