Addictive Obsession - Chapter nineteen [part I]
Title: Addictive obsession
Authors: aroruae & fighter_of_moon
Pairing: Akame, slight Kokame & Jinda
Genre: Smut, AU, drama, tragedy
Warnings: use of drugs, whoring, slaving, insanity, bad language, incest and a lot more to come xD You've been warned, so don't read if you don't want to see them in a lot of pain *evil laugh*
Disclaimer: They don't belong to us, but we're in the process of making it true!! The proof is Jin's twitter~ And now his facebook and OMG, youtube account!!
Summary: Kazuya’s addiction becomes Jin’s obsession. They came to need each other to the extend of wanting to kill.
First Scent ~ Strawberry
Second Scent ~ Poison
Third Scent ~ Musk
Fourth Scent ~ Ecstasy
Fifth Scent ~ Spring
Sixth Scent ~ Fear
Seventh Scent ~ Sky
Eighth Scent ~ Winter
Ninth Scent ~ Loneliness
Tenth scent ~ Run
Eleventh Scent ~ You
Twelfth Scent ~ Statice
Thirteenth Scent ~ Body
Fourteenth Scent ~ Memory
Fifteenth Scent ~ Toxic
Sixteenth Scent ~ Narcotic
Seventeenth Scent ~ Hollow
Eighteenth Scent ~ Mother
Chapter nineteen
Nineteenth Scent ~ Love
We spend our life wondering what it is the thing what we need most. Our family? Our friends? Our lover? Or maybe just the feeling of loving someone and being loved by someone? The thought that we have someone to come back to no matter what would happen makes us happy and we find ourselves going through life with much more excitement, doing crazy things that no one would accept just because we’re aware that there’s one person who wouldn’t reject us no matter what inappropriate things we might do.
But in the end, is love what we need to survive? Maybe, maybe not. Maybe we just need a little bit of attention and affection to feel loved and to feel like we matter for someone.
After that… everything starts.
Jin decided that it was better to not touch the topic of Kazuya’s mom ever again and it seemed that the younger was supporting his decision by not bringing her up in their discussions. Their days had become quiet after that, following their daily routine of waking up in Jin’s bed, sometimes going out to have breakfast and other times having Kazuya cook for them and then eating in bed. After that, they’d go to Kazuya’s apartment and spend the day there, playing games or cooking together or doing the first stupid thing that crossed their minds.
It was fun and Kazuya had to admit that it was easy to forget about everything else when he had Jin beside him. The older worked like a charm to protect him against the horrors of his childhood and even if he had been convinced that the nightmares will return after his little encounter with his mother, he had been surprised to wake up the next morning in Jin’s arms after one peaceful and dreamless night. In fact, he wasn’t sure, but he might have dreamt of some flying elephants after Jin had told him a crazy story about this before going to bed.
All in all, everything seemed to have turned out okay after all they’ve been through and Kazuya believed that it wasn’t so bad to continue living like this. Still, Jin had another surprise for him when four days after coming back from their little trip, he had woken up to hear Jin saying that he could go back to school. Of course, there had been rules, the most important one being the one where Jin assigned a guy to watch him all the time, including in classes. Kazuya hadn’t been asking for drugs anymore, but Jin couldn’t trust the boy that he won’t do it again and fortunately, Kazuya had understood why this was necessary and hadn’t objected at all. He had accepted all of Jin’s rules and had been more than happy to be able to go back to college and study what he loved, even if he knew that things won’t ever be the same with his friends.
He had tried to avoid them and it seemed that it wasn’t that hard to do because the three friends - Kazuya still didn’t know if to be happy or not that Ueda had left though it was more like he had completely disappeared from his life - had understood his wish and had left him alone, waiting for the moment when Kazuya would be ready to go and talk to them. So he had been free of his worries for the few days that had passed since he had started to go back to college and had had time to concentrate on his studies, working hard to catch up with all that he had lost while he had been fighting his addiction.
To be honest, he could still feel the need of taking drugs and there was a frizzling feeling in his body that wouldn’t give him peace and that would remind him of what he used to do every time he would feel anxious or worried. But the last couple of weeks had been more than enough for Kazuya and he didn’t want anything more than to escape from the claws of his addiction, fighting the need and thinking that this was what Jin would want him to do.
Jin… Kazuya had to admit that he had never thought that Jin would become this important in his life. Everything had started with threats and sex and had developed into such strong feelings that he was starting to feel that he wouldn’t know what to do without the older one. He would have never thought that Jin - a drug supplier himself - would end up being the one who helped him get rid of his problems and would even create a new life for Kazuya, a life lacking of drugs and full of studying - what he had wanted from the first place.
The bad part of all of this and the only thing that Jin couldn’t stand - and the younger one was fully aware of this - was that he couldn’t see Kazuya that often anymore. The younger had said that he had a lot to catch up to and Jin had agreed to give him the liberty of doing things at his own pace, assured that every step of Kazuya’s will be reported to him. He would still see the younger at night, but then Kazuya would be so tired after a long day of studying that he’d fall asleep immediately, sometimes even forgetting to say Jin good night.
And it hadn’t been a problem and it hadn’t bothered Jin. At first that was, until Kazuya started to spend the nights at his own place, deciding that he didn’t have enough time to study on daylight and that he needed to do it also at night. Jin had come visiting one of those nights and it had ended up with Kazuya kicking him out because he was distracted by the older - and who could blame him when Jin’s idea of staying put was brushing his fingers over Kazuya’s arms and softly kissing the spot after?
Actually, it was becoming kind of annoying and Jin had never been one to know patience. So he had decided to talk to Kazuya and to try to bargain at least a day off for him. He had the plan set up in mind as he waited for Kazuya at the younger’s apartment - it was either the nights or Sundays. Kazuya had to choose and Jin was feeling kind of proud of himself because he wanted to give the boy this opportunity and not demand it as he would have usually done.
Besides, Kazuya obviously needed some rest and Jin thought that he could be a good boyfriend by letting him get it. He could also force him though.
He smiled when the front door opened and he danced through the hallway, stopping in front of Kazuya and presenting his big smile. He hadn’t seen the younger for three days already - and this situation had been going on for about three weeks too - but he thought that Kazuya had never looked so beautiful as he was then, with his white shirt and the two top buttons opened, his tight vintage jeans which Jin remembered that had been a gift from him and his sexy glasses resting on his eyes, making him look so hot when he was looking above them.
The younger smiled at Jin a bit tired, greeting him with soft hello. The last days had been a pain for Kazuya especially since he had learned that Ueda had withdrawn from college and had also left the city. Of course, his friends had never blamed him, but they had been a bit reserved in his presence saying that they would give him the space he seemed to need - well, except Koki. The boy was still doting on him and lately had started to bug him again as he used to though Kazuya couldn’t really complain as he had missed being like this with Koki. But this didn’t change the fact that Ueda had left because of him and Jin and neither that he had to practically crawl to win back his reputation of top student. It had been really hard especially since teachers tended to ignore his wish to answer at classes or simply asked other people that were clueless. It really angered him this kind of attitude.
Really, he wasn’t a murderer or something, he had issues like everyone else and didn’t they teach such things at this college?! How to understand people and to help them?! And this was how they were helping him? Not that it mattered anymore, Kazuya thought as he plumped himself on Jin, feeling every inch of his body aching and even his mind having trouble coping with what had been happening.
“Why are you here, Jin?” Kazuya asked with a heavy sigh.
“I’m here to see you.” Jin replied, settling his hands on Kazuya’s waist and holding him closer. “I missed you, you know.” He then added, his tone sounding a little reproachful.
Kazuya sighed some more. “Yeah, me too.” He said and slipped his arms around Jin too. “You’re staying tonight?” he asked with a yawn.
“Yes.” Jin kissed his forehead with a caring gesture and started to move towards the bedroom, his arms still around Kazuya’s waist and his body still close to the boy’s. “How was your day?” he then asked, opening the room and slipping inside.
“Horrible.” Kazuya groaned as he let himself fall on the bed, stretching his aching limbs. “Everyday is the same. It’s like a war between me and that college, really.” He sighed and looked at Jin. “How was yours?” he tried to smile but failed miserably.
“Normal.” Jin answered without any details, having never shared information with Kazuya that concerned his job. “It still doesn’t look good?” he asked with a sigh, sitting on the bed next to Kazuya. “It’s been three weeks already.” The older added, carefully approaching his problem.
Kazuya’s eyes darkened instantly. “Three weeks isn’t enough to make them forget what they saw. People remember things from their childhood. It won’t rinse that easily what they learned about me and I have to prove them that I really changed. It’s a mess, Jin, I still have a long way to make it clean.” He said and though his tone had been harsh at the beginning, it became softer and calmer. After all, Kazuya was still in control of his moods and didn’t swift like Jin.
“But what’s the big deal?” Jin whined, falling on the bed, next to the younger. “How much will they continue this stupid thing?” he complained, not really liking the idea that he will be forced to spend even more time without Kazuya.
“You should have thought of that before starting all this stupid things.” Kazuya said with a scoff. Jin didn’t have the right to complain about this when he was behind all this and the younger didn’t forget and could not forget about such thing so easily.
“Well, it’s not like I ever think before I act.” Jin shrugged and totally dismissed the idea of him being the problem. “Let’s talk about something else.” He suddenly said, raising his body from the bed and clapping his hands, as if he had just had the greatest idea. He turned to look at Kazuya and leaned over him, pecking his lips a few times and caressing them with his tongue. “I really missed you, you know.” He repeated his words from earlier, feeling already horny and with a hard-on.
Kazuya caught Jin’s tongue with his lips and kept them this way as he rose, pushing Jin from him. “Me too, but I’m not in the mood.” He replied and climbed off the bed, wanting to change his clothes first and maybe to take shower and then go to sleep. Another tiring day was waiting for him.
“And when you’ll be?” Jin said, his voice sounding more accusing than he would have liked to as he also left the bed and stood up to face Kazuya, his expression clearly stating his displeasure.
Kazuya looked at Jin, seemed to want to say something and then he changed his mind. “I’ll come to you.” He answered with a calm tone, hoping that he’ll grant Jin’s wish soon. It wasn’t like he didn’t want to sleep with Jin, it was simply the energy that his body lacked and he wasn’t planning on fucking with Jin half dead.
“It’s not the first time I hear this.” Jin reminded the younger, his voice keeping the same tone and not bothering this time to hide it. “And I’m getting kind of sick of waiting.” He added, clapping his foot on the floor in impatience.
And Kazuya snapped. “Oh, like it is my fault!” he raised his voice, his hands balled in fists at his sides. “It’s me who has to clean the mess you left behind and are you telling me that you’re tired of waiting?! Spare me! It’s not like I started this in the first place!” he continued, his voice going higher and higher. “So excuse me for not fucking with you!”
“Oh, don’t act like the innocent victim here when you know perfectly fine why I did this in the first place.” Jin countered, raising his tone and starting to get mad himself. “It was your fault in the beginning so don’t you dare and blame only me!!”
“What?!” Kazuya asked on a shaking voice. “WHAT?!” he then shouted, glaring at Jin. Great, just what he needed! A fight with the king of idiots! “This surely won’t bring you any sex now! Get out right now!” He howled and stretched his hand towards the door.
“No, babe, I’m not going anywhere.” Jin said with a sweet tone, not moving from his spot. “I’m sick of this, I’m sick of this situation and yes, I’m sick of not getting sex for the past three weeks!!” he started with a calm voice, only to shout at the end. “I’m sick of not seeing you and even when I do see you, you’re always tired and sleep immediately!”
“Then sorry for having a life that doesn’t revolve around you!” Kazuya retorted, his body trembling with fury. “I have college and I need to fucking clear my name which you tainted with no remorse!” he added, stomping his foot angrily. “Get out, Jin and I might forget about all this for once.” He then said with a calm voice, amazed at his own control.
Only that Jin really had no intention of leaving until he was getting what he wanted. “I’m your boyfriend. I thought that your life includes me too.” He simply stated with a tone that hinted that he could make it like that if Kazuya didn’t see it his way.
“And you’ll remain my boyfriend as long as you don’t say shit like this anymore.” Kazuya replied, unaware of what Jin was implying. “And I didn’t say you’re not included in my life.” He then frowned, wondering from where that came from.
“Really?” Jin snorted. “Because I have a different opinion from where I’m standing.” He said, clearly still upset and mad and maybe furious because of Kazuya’s calmness. It was like the younger hadn’t missed him at all and Jin couldn’t stand the thought. This wasn’t normal. He had used to come every night to Jin because he couldn’t stand to be alone, especially now when he was trying to get rid of the drugs from his system. And now… now he was too tired?!
No, Jin couldn’t believe that shit. It just meant that Kazuya had found another solution. And it drove him crazy to think that Kazuya had chosen someone else to fuck and satisfy him. No, he was going to get to the bottom of this. One way or another.
“You always seem to think differently than me.” Kazuya rolled his eyes. “And now you’re not thinking with your head on your shoulders.” He then continued with a heavy sigh. “I also want you but right now… I can’t be with you right now! Try to understand me for once, Jin!” The younger raised his voice but this time it had a tinge of despair in it.
“And I understand you.” Jin said with a cold voice. “I understood you for three weeks.” He added, like he was talking about the weather or how the Giants lost in front of their opponent. “Excuse me for not being able to do it anymore.” He finished, crossing his arms in front of his chest and looking like he had gotten to a conclusion.
“So… what do you want me to do?” Kazuya cocked an eyebrow, exhausted that Jin was that stubborn. “To fuck with you right now?” He asked with a mocking voice. “Do you want me to collapse in the middle of it?!” he continued, narrowing his eyes. “Fuck, Jin! I screwed around a lot because I needed drugs, now that I don’t take it, my body is readapting! I can’t be like you want me to be!” Kazuya said with a tired sigh.
“I know.” Jin simply said. “And I know that you’re tired and that you need rest because college is eating all of your time.” He continued with the same blank voice, not even one emotion sensed in it. “I also know that you need to take care more of yourself, especially know because you don’t have the comfort of drugs. That’s why I think the only thing you could do is to give up college.” He finished his little speech with a voice that said this was the only solution to all of their problems.
Kazuya spaced out before bursting out in laughter. “You’re joking, right?” he asked Jin through his fits of laughter. “You’re pulling my leg, no? After all, what you just said is like I have tired myself endlessly for nothing so that in the end I should give up.” He said, the laughter slowly dying. “Tell me you’re joking, Jin.” Kazuya demanded with a half surprised and half serious voice.
“I’m not joking.” Jin replied, staring into Kazuya’s eyes and telling him how determined he was to make it so.
“I think the lack of sex is getting to your head worse than I thought.” Kazuya replied shaking his head, surprised by Jin’s idea. “I won’t give up college just because we don’t have sex as often. It’s all I’ve dreamed off and I won’t do such a stupid thing only because you can’t seem to control your needs.” He continued, trying to calm himself down. “And I’ll pretend now that I didn’t hear you suggest such a stupid idea.” Kazuya smiled, telling Jin that he was over with this conversation and that he didn’t want to continue any further. So he turned away, heading for the bathroom. He really needed a shower now.
And of course, Jin proceeded to follow Kazuya, not being keen on the idea of finishing the conversation like that. “I want you to give up college because I don’t see you as often as I used too.” He said, entering the bathroom and grabbing Kazuya’s hand to make him look into his eyes. “And I’m really serious with this, Kazuya.” He then threatened, implying once more that Jin could do it instead of Kazuya if the boy didn’t want to.
Kazuya closed his eyes and started to count until ten. He stopped at five, his anger was overthrowing him. “Jin. I’ll say it just once - I am not giving up college for you, no matter the reason. And if you force me to do it, then I’ll make sure your relationship with me is over. Also, all this boyfriend thing will be over. So just wait for me to come around, okay?”
“Suit yourself.” Jin simply shrugged, thinking that it didn’t matter anymore. Kazuya will do whatever Jin said, not what he liked, he thought as he turned his back on the younger and exited the bathroom.
Kazuya looked after Jin with a confused expression and somehow, he hoped that Jin tried to understand him and to not do anything foolish. He closed the door and prepared himself for a welcomed shower. He’ll think about Jin later, he was really tired, but even as he said this to himself, he couldn’t stop the worry from crawling into his soul. Jin had never joked about something like this and the look from his eyes… it told Kazuya that he was serious. Was he planning on doing another stupid thing?
No, he won’t have time to think about this later, he should know better that Jin was stupid enough to ruin his life once more. So without even sparing another second, the younger opened the bathroom’s door, exiting and hoping to find Jin in his bedroom, but no, of course he wasn’t there. Feeling a little scared, he rushed from the room and went to the hallway just in time to see Jin opening the door.
“Jin!” he said with a loud voice and went quickly to close the door, posting himself there, not letting the older one leave. He was a little out of breath as he uttered the following: “Do you really understand me?”
“Do you understand me?” Jin retorted with a scoff, staring into Kazuya’s eyes.
“I’m doing my best out here.” The younger replied, his chest rising when he took a deep breath. “I told you, didn’t I? I want to be with you too, but right now… it’s a bit difficult!” he continued, biting his lower lip as he looked with worried eyes at Jin.
“It’s a bit difficult for you?” Jin lifted his eyebrow so high that it disappeared between his locks. “And you think this is easy for me?” he hissed, feeling his heart starting to beat faster because of the anger he had been bottling inside for the past three weeks. “No, the only thing that matters for you is that stupid college!” he raised his tone, gesticulating with his arms in a random way. “And for what? Your teachers don’t like you, your friends hate you and now you can’t even study because they’re too idiots!!” he finished yelling, going back inside the house because he was feeling like suffocating onto that hallway, proceeding to the living room with Kazuya after him.
Even if all that Jin said had hurt him, Kazuya was not ready to give up without a battle and to convince Jin that what he was doing was really important for him. “Whether it is like this or not, it’s my dream and I want to make it!” he said to Jin, but then he remembered that Jin didn’t have dreams but only goals. “It’s my goal. Like you said, I want something, I grab it and take it. I’m the same, Jin. I want this fucking college diploma because that’s why I have been through all this hell, that’s why I spent so many years with mom selling me to others!” Kazuya got close to Jin, looking straight into his eyes. “Even if it’s hell, even if it seems useless, I want to go and finish it all. Can’t you give me at least this?”
Jin looked back at Kazuya and seemed to think for a while. “No.” he said, pausing for another couple of seconds. “Not if things continue like this.” He then seemed to decide to add, even if it seemed kind of forced.
Kazuya pushed Jin away from him, looking angry. “Fine! Let’s fuck right now!” he said through gritted teeth and he took his shirt off, then proceeded to unbuckle his belt. “If you want this so much, then you can have me. But so you know, I’m doing this only because I want to go to college.”
And Jin snapped. “Do you think this is about sex?!” he yelled, now really having problems at controlling himself when the only thing he wanted to do was to smash that pretty mouth of Kazuya’s. “You think that if you let me fuck you now, all of this would disappear?!” he asked, being reminded of all his suspicions and the fact that he hadn’t seen Kazuya for a long time and he had missed the younger and had gone crazy not being able to see with his own eyes what he was doing or with whom he was. Maybe he had cheated on him. Maybe the reason that Kazuya didn’t come anymore to Jin was another man. Or a woman. It could be anything and only the thought was making Jin feel dizzy.
“YES!” Kazuya retorted back, his hands leaving his belt. “With you, everything reduces to sex!” he shouted back, ruffling his hair. “Can you tell me that it’s otherwise?” He cocked an eyebrow sarcastically.
Jin looked back at Kazuya, seeming hurt and annoyed and angry in the same time. A million of emotions flashed in his eyes as he quickly approached the younger and grabbed him by his arms with all the strength he had. But now that he had done this, Jin had no idea what to do next. He wanted to punch Kazuya to make him say sorry for all the things he had said. He wanted to kiss the younger to make him shut up and demonstrate how much sex really meant in their relationship. If everything was reduced to sex, Jin thought, then he ought to show the boy how much Jin really wanted him and to make him feel sorry for ever saying that.
He just stared at Kazuya for a couple of minutes, pondering on his decision. In the end, he pushed back the younger and looked at him with disgust as his eyes traveled along his body. He had lost weight again, Jin noticed, after all the nights he had spent studying and forgetting to eat while still fighting with his body’s desire to get high. And it was obvious that he needed a lot of rest to get rid of the bags under his eyes and still he was stubborn and refused to do all of this.
And for what? For a stupid diploma?
Jin couldn’t understand. “Yes, it’s all about sex.” He finally replied after what seemed like an eternity. “I’m a horny bastard and I want to fuck you every night. In fact, it doesn’t matter who I fuck as long as it’s someone.” He then added with a mocking voice. Forget that I told you that I love you, he thought. Forget that I would do anything for you. After all… it’s not like it matters for you, Jin said to himself, his face not betraying his real thoughts.
Hearing Jin saying such things angered Kazuya, his overflowing emotions taking over him as he moved to Jin, grabbed him by the collar and forcefully kissed him. It was a raw and needy kiss, one that showed anger, pain and lust in the same time. Kazuya hated Jin for what he was making him do, hated him for who he was now and for the fact that he couldn’t fight back the feeling that had been blooming in his heart for a while. Then he detached himself from Jin and slapped him with all of his might.
“Then you should go and fuck someone else.” Kazuya said with a hoarse voice, his eyes darkened by anger and desire in the same time. “You are important to me too, but right now, college is more important.” He added, not realizing that he might make the mistake of his life. After all, Kazuya had long forgotten the power of words and how much they could cut into a person’s heart.
Jin looked blank as he stared back at Kazuya, empty of any feelings that he could have. He hadn’t moved when Kazuya kissed him, hadn’t blinked when he had hit him. And he didn’t show any sign now that he had heard the boy’s words as the only thing he did was to just breathe. Steady and slowly, like he was in another place and all of this wasn’t happening to him.
“Then so be it.” He finally said with a voice as empty as his expression. “But you’ll realize how grave of a mistake you’re doing now.” He warned Kazuya, his cold gaze seeming to pierce through Kazuya’s soul.
And then he left, just like that, without any explanations.
Kazuya stared at the place Jin had been, his mind completely blown away by his last words. Had he done a mistake? But he… he wanted to tell Jin that he wanted him too, that he will be with him even if college was now his primary concern! What had he done wrong?! Why did everyone in his life forbid him studying just because they wanted him to do other things?! His mother had been the same, if Kazuya hadn’t promised to sleep with her clients at least three times a day, he would have never gone to school! Now Jin… why was Jin doing this to him?! Was this a proof of his love? Was this the way Jin loved Kazuya and showed it him?
No… and something went wrong from this. And Jin will do something now, Kazuya realized as fear slowly crept into his soul, making him feel suddenly cold and lonely. No, he had to stop this. Jin won’t do anything, Jin said that he loved him and Kazuya trusted him on this. So… everything should be alright. But he needed to go after Jin, he needed to tell him that …
What? Kazuya didn’t know what to tell Jin because the older didn’t understand him, he was selfishly thinking only of his needs, not even once of Kazuya. The younger returned to his bedroom with a numb sensation, his mind suddenly tired and groggy. He threw himself on the bed, Jin’s threatening words running through his head. Had he really done a mistake by wanting to study even if it meant exhausting himself and ignoring Jin for a few weeks? Apparently yes.
And he was going to pay, Kazuya was already sure, because Jin no matter how much loved him… would still hurt him in the end. Because Jin only knew how to hurt Kazuya, but this time he wasn’t sure how should he stop the older one from hurting him. It was late and he was hurting inside. Be it whatever… tomorrow he’ll face it.
But hope was still there - hope that Jin this time won’t ruin his life once more.
*
When we wake up in the morning, most of us feel that this is another day, another page of our life which will be filled with nothings and stuff lacking in real importance. Life passes in front of our eyes, but we can’t see it, we don’t realize how fragile it is until we lose it, maybe our own life or maybe the life of someone important to us. And then we stop and we ask ourselves… what have we done with our life? We’ve woken up every morning to do the same thing, to work hard for something that will never satisfy us and won’t help us when we’re dead and buried under two feet of dirt. We’ve lived our life doing the same annoying thing every day, trying to please our parents or make money or simply do something because we think it’s important.
It’s pointless in the end. Nothing that we do will matter in the end. But maybe… just maybe, the fact that we’re happy doing that stupid things makes all the difference. Maybe it’s enough if we have a pointless life as long as we keep the smile on our lips.
And maybe… we won’t be as empty as the others when we’ll face Death.
The second day, Kazuya couldn’t help but feel unsettled, fear clawing at him as he headed for college, stopping at its entrance and looking wary. But there seemed nothing wrong, no one looking funny at him and no one whispering his name. For starters, everything was peaceful and calm, but Kazuya was no fool to believe in such appearances - it was the calm before the storm and he could be sure that Jin would hurt him where it hurt him the most, that being his college life.
“Yo!” Koki jumped out from nowhere and ruffled his hair while wearing a large grin. “You look worried, you okay?” he asked, grabbing the younger by the chin and analyzing him with a stern look.
Kazuya laughed nervously and slapped softly Koki’s hand away. If Jin was watching, this was the least the younger wanted him to see. “I had a bad dream, but I’m okay.” He replied to his friend who immediately looked alarmed.
“Nightmares again?”
“Ah, no. Somehow, they stopped.” Kazuya quickly replied, smiling a bit. “I told you, after I met my mother… they kind of disappeared. I guess I had wounds to heal.” He gave again a nervous laugh and Koki squeezed him lightly by the shoulder.
“You’re right.” He simply said, not wanting to continue onto the subject. He was sure that Kazuya had needed to face her to surpass his fear and to fight off his nightmares. But he had kept quiet, not wanting to distance him even more from him. “Just so you know… I’ll always be here.” Koki added suddenly, pleasantly surprising the younger one who gave him a light punch in the shoulder and chuckled.
The two of them headed for classes, feeling as if their bond was once more deepened. Kazuya was lucky to have Koki by his side and just like college, he won’t give him up. At least, Jin won’t make him do such a thing.
And just as Jin’s name passed through his mind, Kazuya felt again that feeling of fear and he was once more restless. What did Jin meant by mistake? And why did he warn him?! Was he really going to do something harmful to Kazuya? Damn. Such questions he had asked himself over and over last night until he had finally fell asleep with his phone in hand, still pondering whether he should call Jin or not. Even now, he was still fretting over such thing. And what could Jin really do to him?! There was nothing worse than to have pictures of him drugged spread thorough the school, that was for sure. And this time… he couldn’t hurt his friends, he had no reason and he knew very well that Kazuya would go ballistic if Jin touched again his friends.
Not that it mattered to Jin.
A tiny mean voice said and Kazuya shook his head to not think of this now. He knew that Jin was cruel, but he still hoped. He had always been the naïve one. But the false safety that he was living now made Kazuya feel this way. Maybe Jin would come back to him and he would just let their little fight slip away without other consequences. They were supposed to be lovers, right? And lovers were supposed to forgive and forget some things, especially if those things were important to one of them, right? But this lovers thing… applied to them in the least? Kazuya had no answer and again the mean voice was hurling in his head - NO.
Hours passed and still nothing happened, except the usual where teachers tried to ignore his answers, not being allowed to express his opinions or if they let him answer, they’d contradict him until they finally approved of his solution with a heavy sigh. And there had been a wonderful thing happening at the end of his last course before lunch. His teacher of Criminal Behavior approached him and talked with him normally.
“I just wanted to say, Kamenashi-kun, that no matter what had gotten into you to reach such extents, I hope that you do realize that you’re walking the wrong way and that it’s better to stop.” The Professor said with his deep tone, wearing again the kind yet severe expression as he always had when he was talking to Kazuya.
The younger felt overwhelmed by the joy of being accepted again by at least one teacher, that he opened his mouth and no words came out. Then he composed himself and said with a clear voice. “I have given up on them.”
The professor stared back, piercing Kazuya with his eyes, before finally smiling. “Then you can dream of a bright future.” He patted the younger on the shoulder and left the classroom.
Kazuya was about to weep of happiness as Koki, followed by Maru and Junno, entered back quickly, inquiring him. And when he told them what the teacher said, all three of them hugged Kazuya, happy for his friend. It was the best thing that could happen to him after three weeks of enduring such cold treatment from his teachers! He almost wanted to jump of joy when he remembered Jin. He could finally call him and tell him about this and to even brag that after all, enduring has its benefits. Kazuya wanted to share this happiness with Jin, but first it was time to eat and he was feeling quite hungry.
All four friends headed to the cafeteria, taking a full table and beginning to eat while talking cheerfully. For once, Kazuya wasn’t feeling watched, talked or sniggered at… he was feeling at ease and peaceful with himself, with his friends. He didn’t realize the stress he had been under, not until the professor decided to talk with him and acknowledge him at last. He was laughing happily when all of a sudden the TV they had in the cafeteria seemed to break and there were loud wails coming from the entire room.
Then a loud cheering was heard before silence fell and Kazuya’s body went cold with sweat as he glanced up at the TV. The signal didn’t come back… no, something worse came. The blood drained out of Kazuya’s face as he kept staring - as everyone else - at what was now showing on TV.
“Come on, bitch, faster!”
Kazuya saw himself straddling the man whose voice was just heard and pushing himself down on his cock, a low groan escaping his lips. Then he set up a pace, panting and arching under the other’s ruthless fucking, moving faster as he had demanded. Then the other man’s hand grabbed him by the head and pushed him forward, now Kazuya being sprawled on the bed, his head hanging over its rim. His lustful and beautiful face filled the screen as rude sounds were heard, the man hovering above Kazuya and pushing himself inside of the younger, making him moan profoundly.
“Here’s something that even drugs won’t make you forget!”
The man suddenly said and Kazuya wanted to see no more, to hear no more as he suddenly rushed out of the cafeteria where everyone was disgusted with what they had just seen.
Outside it started to rain, but Kazuya didn’t seem to care as he kept on running, feeling that all his life had just been thrown away. He had fought all along just to go to school, to be proud of himself at least in this aspect as the rest of his life had been more than hellish. And now… now, nothing mattered. His bright future that his teacher spoke of was now blown away like leaves in front of the wind. He was nothing more than a fucking addict and now a whore. He won’t be going back to college anymore, he couldn’t do that anymore.
The younger stopped in his track, the rain pouring down on him as he looked up at the sky and began to shout through his cries no one will hear. Or no one will care. And the worst part of it… he knew who was behind all of this. And yet he had dared to hope, he had craved for Jin to understand him and to not ruin his life once more. But all had been pure dust blasted away.
Numb, cold and tired, Kazuya walked around aimlessly, thinking that there wasn’t anything else that should matter for him and he should not even care of what would happen next to him. In fact… he didn’t even care. Now all he wanted was to disappear and to never be found.
*
You want something but you can’t have it and you know that you’d do anything to make it yours. But be careful. Think wisely and decide if that thing is worth the pain and suffering it will bring when you’ll snatch it from others.
Because most of the time… it doesn’t.
Jin was pacing up and down in his room, glancing at his door and waiting for the doorbell to ring. He knew that Kazuya was at his apartment and he hadn’t left the building after he got home that afternoon but he still hoped that he’ll see him there soon. But the clock showed eleven in the evening and Jin was starting to become kind of worried. He knew that what he did was an extreme thing, but he had just snapped, like he did all the other times. He had been furious when he had left the younger’s apartment the other day and hurt by Kazuya’s words. He still couldn’t believe that his own lover didn’t trust him when he said that Jin loved him and he thought that Jin only used him for his own pleasure.
Was that all? Jin had wanted to ask, but refrained himself from doing so. If it was all about the sex, then he would have found someone else a long time ago and wouldn’t have bothered to do all those things for Kazuya. He wouldn’t have let him go that easily when the boy had asked it, he wouldn’t have come and meet his father, he wouldn’t have cared enough to make Kazuya give up at drugs.
Jin was aware of the fact that he had changed and he thought that Kazuya saw this too. But how wrong had he been. Not only that Kazuya didn’t believe in his words of love, he still considered Jin as someone whom he shouldn’t care about. College was a stupid thing in Jin’s vision and he couldn’t understand the point of it, seeing as he had a perfect life even without going to school at all. Hearing Kazuya that it was more important than Jin… it hurt. It hurt to be compared with something without sense, something that shouldn’t have existed in the first place if you asked Jin. It was useless to go to college, finish it with high grades and then have nothing to eat because you couldn’t find a job. You’d be forced to do the work of a slave to afford to live and you’ll curse the days that you’ve wasted studying for something which didn’t bring you any benefit.
He wasn’t sure what had happened then. Jin just knew that he had wanted to hurt Kazuya in that moment and he had left from his apartment with that thought on his mind. Luckily he had a tape with Kazuya which he had confiscated from one of the drug-addicts that he sold stuff to. Jin had discovered it by accident and had taken care of that man who had dared to treat Kazuya like this, making sure that he won’t be able to tell about his experience to someone else.
He just never thought that he’d use it this way.
“Oh, fuck!” he finally gave up on waiting for Kazuya when the clock hit the stroke of midnight, taking his jacket and driving like a madman until he got to the younger’s apartment. He didn’t wait for an answer as he used his own key to open the door lock and entered the house enveloped in darkness. He blinked and worry suddenly started to fill his chest, thinking that Kazuya might have done something to himself this time too.
How stupid he had been! How could he simply ignore that the last time when something like this happened, Kazuya had tried to kill himself?! Jin hadn’t been that concerned then because he was also there and could take care of him even if he hadn’t showed that he cared. But now… it had been hours. The younger could already be dead if he had tried something.
He didn’t waste any more time and dashed towards Kazuya’s room, this being the first place that came into his mind, slamming the door on the wall and examining the room. A sudden wave of relief washed over him as he saw Kazuya on the bed and looking alright.
“Kazuya?” he called the boy, now recalling what he had come there for and slowly approaching the bed.
But the younger didn’t even react to Jin’s voice, his brown eyes being focused on the opened window from which he could hear the wind rustle through the leaves. The moonlight was shining on him and it made him look somehow ghostly, his hair still damp from the afternoon rain. He didn’t even move when Jin came closer, he did nothing but stayed there and watched outside. It was like he was a lifeless doll if you didn’t hear the humming of the younger. It really was barely audible.
“Kazuya?” Jin tried again, putting his hand on the younger’s shoulder. Something clearly was off, but he didn’t want to put a name to it yet, so Jin decided to wait and to make the younger talk to him and find out his thoughts.
When Jin touched him, Kazuya stopped humming and for a few moments did nothing until he turned and looked at Jin with empty eyes. “What are you doing here?” he asked and if not for the broken voice, you’d say he was trying to chase Jin away.
Jin looked back at Kazuya with uncertain eyes as he studied the younger’s figure. He was still wet and Jin concluded that he must have been standing there at the window since he came home and that was many hours ago. If he had left when the video had started playing - and Jin was sure of that because that’s when it had rained - then Kazuya had been sitting there dripping wet for half a day already. “Um, I came to see you.” He said, sounding shy and unsure of his words.
It was obvious that Kazuya was mad and Jin couldn’t really blame him - well, at least a little - but he still thought that he did the right thing. Maybe it had been kind of exaggerated - and it had surely been - but it had the desired conclusion. And now things were going to be alright, Jin was sure of that.
But how alright things were going to be, Jin had no idea. Kazuya looked once more at Jin, his big and brown eyes seeming to engulf all of Jin in their emptiness. Then he turned to his initial position and resumed humming, ignoring Jin and all that the older meant. Kazuya was half-aware of the fact that Jin’s presence was hurting him and his brain rejected the memories of the earlier afternoon. He won’t recall them no matter what, he refused, he’ll stay numb and cold.
Jin pouted when he saw the younger’s rejection and sighed, realizing that he won’t be receiving anything more than this tonight. Oh, well, the older thought, as long as he was beside Kazuya, he didn’t care that he didn’t want to talk to him. So Jin simply shrugged and left the room, heading to the bathroom and coming back with a warm and fluffy towel, proceeding to dry the boy’s hair with it in silence.
Kazuya accepted the treatment for a few moments before he slapped Jin’s hands away and got off from the bed, getting closer to the open window. He turned at Jin and there was a ghostly smile on his face. “Jin.” He said with a feeble voice. “If I fall from here, would your life be ruined?” Kazuya asked, looking down, the wind playing with his half dried hair. “I had hoped that you wouldn’t do anything, you know. I had hoped that you wouldn’t ruin my life. Now… I have no hopes at all.” The younger continued as he looked back at Jin and his eyes seemed to burn in his skull. He lifted himself, putting one foot outside the window, letting it dangle. “Tell me. If I fall from here, would your life be ruined?” he repeated the question as he leaned a bit forward, a soft chuckle leaving his lips as the wind caressed his face.
Jin didn’t move as he watched Kazuya, his eyes trained on his every movement though. He looked at Kazuya and for a few moments, he just stared into his eyes, trying to find the perfect answer. But there wasn’t one and Jin knew this very well. “I don’t know.” He finally decided to say the truth, dreading the consequences this might have. “You mean everything for me and I couldn’t live without you,” he continued, honesty being the only thing written in his eyes besides fear, “but I’d probably find a way. If I wouldn’t go mad without you, then I’d continue to live. Better or worse, I don’t know how.” He explained, knowing himself to be a strong man and a strong man couldn’t be brought down by such a thing.
Even if there was a tiny voice in his head that kept telling him that his life would probably be ruined without Kazuya. But, somehow, everything that Jin said seemed to have the role of hurting the younger in that moment and he wasn’t even aware of this fact.
Kazuya put both of his legs outside the window. “I feel sorry that I had accepted you in my life. I regret meeting you.” He said with a far away like voice. “You’re no different from the whore that raised me.” The younger said, hatred and disdain in his voice. It was so different from how he had been feeling up till Jin showed up at his place. He was bursting with emotions, their intensity consuming him and making him want to do something that’ll mark Jin forever just like Jin had done to him.
Kazuya’s words hurt and Jin stopped breathing when the younger started talking. He didn’t want to hear this, he didn’t want to know this. What had he done wrong after all? He was just worried for Kazuya because he was struggling with a thing that wouldn’t bring him any benefit. He had tried to help the boy but it seemed that he was one blamed in the end.
“So what? Now you’ll jump and end your life because of a stupid college?” Jin snorted, not being able to stop himself. He couldn’t understand and this made him angrier and furious with the younger. If he was planning to throw his whole life away, then fine! Jin wasn’t going to bother with him if that was what Kazuya wanted. After all, if he valuated college more than Jin, then… it had been useless from the start.
Kazuya looked at Jin and arched an eyebrow. “Because of a stupid college?” he asked with a trembling voice. “No fucking way!” He then turned and jumped off from the window. “I just wanted to know how much you value me.” The younger shrugged and moved away from the window. “Not much, but it doesn’t matter anymore.” He laughed like it was no big thing. “Oh, you said you came to see me. Do you want to fuck? I’m kind in the mood.” Kazuya turned and looked at Jin with an adorable expression as his hands fumbled with the buttons of his wet shirt. If Jin thought Kazuya was going to end himself like this, then he was wrong. What Jin did made the younger feel nothing but sheer despair and a need to take revenge. And Kazuya already knew how to make Jin hurt because of him - after all, Jin loved him, right?
“Then what?” Jin cocked a mocking eyebrow, completely ignoring Kazuya’s proposal. “I should have wailed and flapped my hands like a girl to stop you from jumping? I should have begged you to come back and don’t kill yourself?” he asked, the mocking in his voice increasing with every word that he said. “I’m sorry to disappoint you,” he continued, not letting the younger reply, “but if you’re stupid enough to kill yourself, then be my guest! There are few things which I value and life is one of them. If you’re such a moron to take it, then I won’t stop you.” Jin said with a determined voice, crossing his arms and vaguely being aware of the fact that he’d have saved Kazuya eventually just to be able to kill him himself.
Kazuya stopped from unbuttoning, now the shirt being just a little loose. “Wow, wow, what’s with the sudden sentimentalism?” he laughed as he passed a hand through his hair, ruffling it a little. “I don’t remember asking you to save me or some shit. I just asked you if you want to fuck or not. And I’m being quite the gentleman here, so yes or no?” The younger asked with an impatient tone. “Of course, you wouldn’t be the first one to refuse me, but there’s plenty of fish in the water, so… it doesn’t matter.” Kazuya shrugged as he began to button his shirt again, already considering that Jin refused. After all, Jin’s feelings were nothing in front of him. Not anymore.
Oh, God, Kazuya was really starting to get on Jin’s nerves. “Fine! Let’s fuck then!” he yelled, getting rid of his shirt in the same time and looking really annoyed.
Kazuya smirked and got close to Jin with lazy steps. “Took you long enough.” He smirked and he slipped his hands around Jin’s neck, crushing their mouths together, thrusting his tongue inside the older one’s hot cavern, brushing it against his and initiating a passionate dance. There was a thirst and a hunger in Kazuya that up until now he had never showed to Jin. He seemed famished, he seemed changed. He glued his body against Jin’s, his damp clothes touching the other’s skin. Kazuya stopped slowly their kiss, his teeth pulling gently on Jin’s lower lip as he looked into the older one’s dark eyes. “I had a lot of men who liked when I did this. Do you like it as well?” he said and passed his tongue over the bitten lip, slowly moving down his chin and under his jaw. “Each time I got here, they were kind of whimpering.” He whispered as his tongue skimmed above the collarbones. “But I guess you’re different. Mom was right, younger is indeed different.” Kazuya smirked, looking up at Jin as he lowered himself and sucked on one of Jin’s nipples.
Jin closed himself and let himself enjoy the soft movement of Kazuya’s tongue, only now remembering that he hadn’t had sex for more than three weeks now. Kazuya’s words were bothering him and he wanted him to just shut up and continue on kissing him like that. “You’re a slut.” He simply said, not aware yet of Kazuya’s intentions.
The younger gave a soft chuckle as he moved onto the other nipple, his fingers dancing on Jin’s waist and then grabbing his ass, fondling it. “Yes, I’m slut. And a good damn one, right?” he bit onto the nipple, gaining a soft moan from Jin. “They never once complained about me, quite the contrary, they wanted me more and more.” The younger said as he rose up and pushed Jin towards the bed, making him fall onto it. “And I gave and gave, each time moaning louder… feeling better.” Kazuya whispered as he straddled Jin, moving his hips and creating friction between their bodies. “Yes, I’ve been many men’s slut.” He agreed as he leaned and took Jin’s lips in a slower, maddening and deep kiss.
PART II
Authors: aroruae & fighter_of_moon
Pairing: Akame, slight Kokame & Jinda
Genre: Smut, AU, drama, tragedy
Warnings: use of drugs, whoring, slaving, insanity, bad language, incest and a lot more to come xD You've been warned, so don't read if you don't want to see them in a lot of pain *evil laugh*
Disclaimer: They don't belong to us, but we're in the process of making it true!! The proof is Jin's twitter~ And now his facebook and OMG, youtube account!!
Summary: Kazuya’s addiction becomes Jin’s obsession. They came to need each other to the extend of wanting to kill.
First Scent ~ Strawberry
Second Scent ~ Poison
Third Scent ~ Musk
Fourth Scent ~ Ecstasy
Fifth Scent ~ Spring
Sixth Scent ~ Fear
Seventh Scent ~ Sky
Eighth Scent ~ Winter
Ninth Scent ~ Loneliness
Tenth scent ~ Run
Eleventh Scent ~ You
Twelfth Scent ~ Statice
Thirteenth Scent ~ Body
Fourteenth Scent ~ Memory
Fifteenth Scent ~ Toxic
Sixteenth Scent ~ Narcotic
Seventeenth Scent ~ Hollow
Eighteenth Scent ~ Mother
Chapter nineteen
Nineteenth Scent ~ Love
We spend our life wondering what it is the thing what we need most. Our family? Our friends? Our lover? Or maybe just the feeling of loving someone and being loved by someone? The thought that we have someone to come back to no matter what would happen makes us happy and we find ourselves going through life with much more excitement, doing crazy things that no one would accept just because we’re aware that there’s one person who wouldn’t reject us no matter what inappropriate things we might do.
But in the end, is love what we need to survive? Maybe, maybe not. Maybe we just need a little bit of attention and affection to feel loved and to feel like we matter for someone.
After that… everything starts.
Jin decided that it was better to not touch the topic of Kazuya’s mom ever again and it seemed that the younger was supporting his decision by not bringing her up in their discussions. Their days had become quiet after that, following their daily routine of waking up in Jin’s bed, sometimes going out to have breakfast and other times having Kazuya cook for them and then eating in bed. After that, they’d go to Kazuya’s apartment and spend the day there, playing games or cooking together or doing the first stupid thing that crossed their minds.
It was fun and Kazuya had to admit that it was easy to forget about everything else when he had Jin beside him. The older worked like a charm to protect him against the horrors of his childhood and even if he had been convinced that the nightmares will return after his little encounter with his mother, he had been surprised to wake up the next morning in Jin’s arms after one peaceful and dreamless night. In fact, he wasn’t sure, but he might have dreamt of some flying elephants after Jin had told him a crazy story about this before going to bed.
All in all, everything seemed to have turned out okay after all they’ve been through and Kazuya believed that it wasn’t so bad to continue living like this. Still, Jin had another surprise for him when four days after coming back from their little trip, he had woken up to hear Jin saying that he could go back to school. Of course, there had been rules, the most important one being the one where Jin assigned a guy to watch him all the time, including in classes. Kazuya hadn’t been asking for drugs anymore, but Jin couldn’t trust the boy that he won’t do it again and fortunately, Kazuya had understood why this was necessary and hadn’t objected at all. He had accepted all of Jin’s rules and had been more than happy to be able to go back to college and study what he loved, even if he knew that things won’t ever be the same with his friends.
He had tried to avoid them and it seemed that it wasn’t that hard to do because the three friends - Kazuya still didn’t know if to be happy or not that Ueda had left though it was more like he had completely disappeared from his life - had understood his wish and had left him alone, waiting for the moment when Kazuya would be ready to go and talk to them. So he had been free of his worries for the few days that had passed since he had started to go back to college and had had time to concentrate on his studies, working hard to catch up with all that he had lost while he had been fighting his addiction.
To be honest, he could still feel the need of taking drugs and there was a frizzling feeling in his body that wouldn’t give him peace and that would remind him of what he used to do every time he would feel anxious or worried. But the last couple of weeks had been more than enough for Kazuya and he didn’t want anything more than to escape from the claws of his addiction, fighting the need and thinking that this was what Jin would want him to do.
Jin… Kazuya had to admit that he had never thought that Jin would become this important in his life. Everything had started with threats and sex and had developed into such strong feelings that he was starting to feel that he wouldn’t know what to do without the older one. He would have never thought that Jin - a drug supplier himself - would end up being the one who helped him get rid of his problems and would even create a new life for Kazuya, a life lacking of drugs and full of studying - what he had wanted from the first place.
The bad part of all of this and the only thing that Jin couldn’t stand - and the younger one was fully aware of this - was that he couldn’t see Kazuya that often anymore. The younger had said that he had a lot to catch up to and Jin had agreed to give him the liberty of doing things at his own pace, assured that every step of Kazuya’s will be reported to him. He would still see the younger at night, but then Kazuya would be so tired after a long day of studying that he’d fall asleep immediately, sometimes even forgetting to say Jin good night.
And it hadn’t been a problem and it hadn’t bothered Jin. At first that was, until Kazuya started to spend the nights at his own place, deciding that he didn’t have enough time to study on daylight and that he needed to do it also at night. Jin had come visiting one of those nights and it had ended up with Kazuya kicking him out because he was distracted by the older - and who could blame him when Jin’s idea of staying put was brushing his fingers over Kazuya’s arms and softly kissing the spot after?
Actually, it was becoming kind of annoying and Jin had never been one to know patience. So he had decided to talk to Kazuya and to try to bargain at least a day off for him. He had the plan set up in mind as he waited for Kazuya at the younger’s apartment - it was either the nights or Sundays. Kazuya had to choose and Jin was feeling kind of proud of himself because he wanted to give the boy this opportunity and not demand it as he would have usually done.
Besides, Kazuya obviously needed some rest and Jin thought that he could be a good boyfriend by letting him get it. He could also force him though.
He smiled when the front door opened and he danced through the hallway, stopping in front of Kazuya and presenting his big smile. He hadn’t seen the younger for three days already - and this situation had been going on for about three weeks too - but he thought that Kazuya had never looked so beautiful as he was then, with his white shirt and the two top buttons opened, his tight vintage jeans which Jin remembered that had been a gift from him and his sexy glasses resting on his eyes, making him look so hot when he was looking above them.
The younger smiled at Jin a bit tired, greeting him with soft hello. The last days had been a pain for Kazuya especially since he had learned that Ueda had withdrawn from college and had also left the city. Of course, his friends had never blamed him, but they had been a bit reserved in his presence saying that they would give him the space he seemed to need - well, except Koki. The boy was still doting on him and lately had started to bug him again as he used to though Kazuya couldn’t really complain as he had missed being like this with Koki. But this didn’t change the fact that Ueda had left because of him and Jin and neither that he had to practically crawl to win back his reputation of top student. It had been really hard especially since teachers tended to ignore his wish to answer at classes or simply asked other people that were clueless. It really angered him this kind of attitude.
Really, he wasn’t a murderer or something, he had issues like everyone else and didn’t they teach such things at this college?! How to understand people and to help them?! And this was how they were helping him? Not that it mattered anymore, Kazuya thought as he plumped himself on Jin, feeling every inch of his body aching and even his mind having trouble coping with what had been happening.
“Why are you here, Jin?” Kazuya asked with a heavy sigh.
“I’m here to see you.” Jin replied, settling his hands on Kazuya’s waist and holding him closer. “I missed you, you know.” He then added, his tone sounding a little reproachful.
Kazuya sighed some more. “Yeah, me too.” He said and slipped his arms around Jin too. “You’re staying tonight?” he asked with a yawn.
“Yes.” Jin kissed his forehead with a caring gesture and started to move towards the bedroom, his arms still around Kazuya’s waist and his body still close to the boy’s. “How was your day?” he then asked, opening the room and slipping inside.
“Horrible.” Kazuya groaned as he let himself fall on the bed, stretching his aching limbs. “Everyday is the same. It’s like a war between me and that college, really.” He sighed and looked at Jin. “How was yours?” he tried to smile but failed miserably.
“Normal.” Jin answered without any details, having never shared information with Kazuya that concerned his job. “It still doesn’t look good?” he asked with a sigh, sitting on the bed next to Kazuya. “It’s been three weeks already.” The older added, carefully approaching his problem.
Kazuya’s eyes darkened instantly. “Three weeks isn’t enough to make them forget what they saw. People remember things from their childhood. It won’t rinse that easily what they learned about me and I have to prove them that I really changed. It’s a mess, Jin, I still have a long way to make it clean.” He said and though his tone had been harsh at the beginning, it became softer and calmer. After all, Kazuya was still in control of his moods and didn’t swift like Jin.
“But what’s the big deal?” Jin whined, falling on the bed, next to the younger. “How much will they continue this stupid thing?” he complained, not really liking the idea that he will be forced to spend even more time without Kazuya.
“You should have thought of that before starting all this stupid things.” Kazuya said with a scoff. Jin didn’t have the right to complain about this when he was behind all this and the younger didn’t forget and could not forget about such thing so easily.
“Well, it’s not like I ever think before I act.” Jin shrugged and totally dismissed the idea of him being the problem. “Let’s talk about something else.” He suddenly said, raising his body from the bed and clapping his hands, as if he had just had the greatest idea. He turned to look at Kazuya and leaned over him, pecking his lips a few times and caressing them with his tongue. “I really missed you, you know.” He repeated his words from earlier, feeling already horny and with a hard-on.
Kazuya caught Jin’s tongue with his lips and kept them this way as he rose, pushing Jin from him. “Me too, but I’m not in the mood.” He replied and climbed off the bed, wanting to change his clothes first and maybe to take shower and then go to sleep. Another tiring day was waiting for him.
“And when you’ll be?” Jin said, his voice sounding more accusing than he would have liked to as he also left the bed and stood up to face Kazuya, his expression clearly stating his displeasure.
Kazuya looked at Jin, seemed to want to say something and then he changed his mind. “I’ll come to you.” He answered with a calm tone, hoping that he’ll grant Jin’s wish soon. It wasn’t like he didn’t want to sleep with Jin, it was simply the energy that his body lacked and he wasn’t planning on fucking with Jin half dead.
“It’s not the first time I hear this.” Jin reminded the younger, his voice keeping the same tone and not bothering this time to hide it. “And I’m getting kind of sick of waiting.” He added, clapping his foot on the floor in impatience.
And Kazuya snapped. “Oh, like it is my fault!” he raised his voice, his hands balled in fists at his sides. “It’s me who has to clean the mess you left behind and are you telling me that you’re tired of waiting?! Spare me! It’s not like I started this in the first place!” he continued, his voice going higher and higher. “So excuse me for not fucking with you!”
“Oh, don’t act like the innocent victim here when you know perfectly fine why I did this in the first place.” Jin countered, raising his tone and starting to get mad himself. “It was your fault in the beginning so don’t you dare and blame only me!!”
“What?!” Kazuya asked on a shaking voice. “WHAT?!” he then shouted, glaring at Jin. Great, just what he needed! A fight with the king of idiots! “This surely won’t bring you any sex now! Get out right now!” He howled and stretched his hand towards the door.
“No, babe, I’m not going anywhere.” Jin said with a sweet tone, not moving from his spot. “I’m sick of this, I’m sick of this situation and yes, I’m sick of not getting sex for the past three weeks!!” he started with a calm voice, only to shout at the end. “I’m sick of not seeing you and even when I do see you, you’re always tired and sleep immediately!”
“Then sorry for having a life that doesn’t revolve around you!” Kazuya retorted, his body trembling with fury. “I have college and I need to fucking clear my name which you tainted with no remorse!” he added, stomping his foot angrily. “Get out, Jin and I might forget about all this for once.” He then said with a calm voice, amazed at his own control.
Only that Jin really had no intention of leaving until he was getting what he wanted. “I’m your boyfriend. I thought that your life includes me too.” He simply stated with a tone that hinted that he could make it like that if Kazuya didn’t see it his way.
“And you’ll remain my boyfriend as long as you don’t say shit like this anymore.” Kazuya replied, unaware of what Jin was implying. “And I didn’t say you’re not included in my life.” He then frowned, wondering from where that came from.
“Really?” Jin snorted. “Because I have a different opinion from where I’m standing.” He said, clearly still upset and mad and maybe furious because of Kazuya’s calmness. It was like the younger hadn’t missed him at all and Jin couldn’t stand the thought. This wasn’t normal. He had used to come every night to Jin because he couldn’t stand to be alone, especially now when he was trying to get rid of the drugs from his system. And now… now he was too tired?!
No, Jin couldn’t believe that shit. It just meant that Kazuya had found another solution. And it drove him crazy to think that Kazuya had chosen someone else to fuck and satisfy him. No, he was going to get to the bottom of this. One way or another.
“You always seem to think differently than me.” Kazuya rolled his eyes. “And now you’re not thinking with your head on your shoulders.” He then continued with a heavy sigh. “I also want you but right now… I can’t be with you right now! Try to understand me for once, Jin!” The younger raised his voice but this time it had a tinge of despair in it.
“And I understand you.” Jin said with a cold voice. “I understood you for three weeks.” He added, like he was talking about the weather or how the Giants lost in front of their opponent. “Excuse me for not being able to do it anymore.” He finished, crossing his arms in front of his chest and looking like he had gotten to a conclusion.
“So… what do you want me to do?” Kazuya cocked an eyebrow, exhausted that Jin was that stubborn. “To fuck with you right now?” He asked with a mocking voice. “Do you want me to collapse in the middle of it?!” he continued, narrowing his eyes. “Fuck, Jin! I screwed around a lot because I needed drugs, now that I don’t take it, my body is readapting! I can’t be like you want me to be!” Kazuya said with a tired sigh.
“I know.” Jin simply said. “And I know that you’re tired and that you need rest because college is eating all of your time.” He continued with the same blank voice, not even one emotion sensed in it. “I also know that you need to take care more of yourself, especially know because you don’t have the comfort of drugs. That’s why I think the only thing you could do is to give up college.” He finished his little speech with a voice that said this was the only solution to all of their problems.
Kazuya spaced out before bursting out in laughter. “You’re joking, right?” he asked Jin through his fits of laughter. “You’re pulling my leg, no? After all, what you just said is like I have tired myself endlessly for nothing so that in the end I should give up.” He said, the laughter slowly dying. “Tell me you’re joking, Jin.” Kazuya demanded with a half surprised and half serious voice.
“I’m not joking.” Jin replied, staring into Kazuya’s eyes and telling him how determined he was to make it so.
“I think the lack of sex is getting to your head worse than I thought.” Kazuya replied shaking his head, surprised by Jin’s idea. “I won’t give up college just because we don’t have sex as often. It’s all I’ve dreamed off and I won’t do such a stupid thing only because you can’t seem to control your needs.” He continued, trying to calm himself down. “And I’ll pretend now that I didn’t hear you suggest such a stupid idea.” Kazuya smiled, telling Jin that he was over with this conversation and that he didn’t want to continue any further. So he turned away, heading for the bathroom. He really needed a shower now.
And of course, Jin proceeded to follow Kazuya, not being keen on the idea of finishing the conversation like that. “I want you to give up college because I don’t see you as often as I used too.” He said, entering the bathroom and grabbing Kazuya’s hand to make him look into his eyes. “And I’m really serious with this, Kazuya.” He then threatened, implying once more that Jin could do it instead of Kazuya if the boy didn’t want to.
Kazuya closed his eyes and started to count until ten. He stopped at five, his anger was overthrowing him. “Jin. I’ll say it just once - I am not giving up college for you, no matter the reason. And if you force me to do it, then I’ll make sure your relationship with me is over. Also, all this boyfriend thing will be over. So just wait for me to come around, okay?”
“Suit yourself.” Jin simply shrugged, thinking that it didn’t matter anymore. Kazuya will do whatever Jin said, not what he liked, he thought as he turned his back on the younger and exited the bathroom.
Kazuya looked after Jin with a confused expression and somehow, he hoped that Jin tried to understand him and to not do anything foolish. He closed the door and prepared himself for a welcomed shower. He’ll think about Jin later, he was really tired, but even as he said this to himself, he couldn’t stop the worry from crawling into his soul. Jin had never joked about something like this and the look from his eyes… it told Kazuya that he was serious. Was he planning on doing another stupid thing?
No, he won’t have time to think about this later, he should know better that Jin was stupid enough to ruin his life once more. So without even sparing another second, the younger opened the bathroom’s door, exiting and hoping to find Jin in his bedroom, but no, of course he wasn’t there. Feeling a little scared, he rushed from the room and went to the hallway just in time to see Jin opening the door.
“Jin!” he said with a loud voice and went quickly to close the door, posting himself there, not letting the older one leave. He was a little out of breath as he uttered the following: “Do you really understand me?”
“Do you understand me?” Jin retorted with a scoff, staring into Kazuya’s eyes.
“I’m doing my best out here.” The younger replied, his chest rising when he took a deep breath. “I told you, didn’t I? I want to be with you too, but right now… it’s a bit difficult!” he continued, biting his lower lip as he looked with worried eyes at Jin.
“It’s a bit difficult for you?” Jin lifted his eyebrow so high that it disappeared between his locks. “And you think this is easy for me?” he hissed, feeling his heart starting to beat faster because of the anger he had been bottling inside for the past three weeks. “No, the only thing that matters for you is that stupid college!” he raised his tone, gesticulating with his arms in a random way. “And for what? Your teachers don’t like you, your friends hate you and now you can’t even study because they’re too idiots!!” he finished yelling, going back inside the house because he was feeling like suffocating onto that hallway, proceeding to the living room with Kazuya after him.
Even if all that Jin said had hurt him, Kazuya was not ready to give up without a battle and to convince Jin that what he was doing was really important for him. “Whether it is like this or not, it’s my dream and I want to make it!” he said to Jin, but then he remembered that Jin didn’t have dreams but only goals. “It’s my goal. Like you said, I want something, I grab it and take it. I’m the same, Jin. I want this fucking college diploma because that’s why I have been through all this hell, that’s why I spent so many years with mom selling me to others!” Kazuya got close to Jin, looking straight into his eyes. “Even if it’s hell, even if it seems useless, I want to go and finish it all. Can’t you give me at least this?”
Jin looked back at Kazuya and seemed to think for a while. “No.” he said, pausing for another couple of seconds. “Not if things continue like this.” He then seemed to decide to add, even if it seemed kind of forced.
Kazuya pushed Jin away from him, looking angry. “Fine! Let’s fuck right now!” he said through gritted teeth and he took his shirt off, then proceeded to unbuckle his belt. “If you want this so much, then you can have me. But so you know, I’m doing this only because I want to go to college.”
And Jin snapped. “Do you think this is about sex?!” he yelled, now really having problems at controlling himself when the only thing he wanted to do was to smash that pretty mouth of Kazuya’s. “You think that if you let me fuck you now, all of this would disappear?!” he asked, being reminded of all his suspicions and the fact that he hadn’t seen Kazuya for a long time and he had missed the younger and had gone crazy not being able to see with his own eyes what he was doing or with whom he was. Maybe he had cheated on him. Maybe the reason that Kazuya didn’t come anymore to Jin was another man. Or a woman. It could be anything and only the thought was making Jin feel dizzy.
“YES!” Kazuya retorted back, his hands leaving his belt. “With you, everything reduces to sex!” he shouted back, ruffling his hair. “Can you tell me that it’s otherwise?” He cocked an eyebrow sarcastically.
Jin looked back at Kazuya, seeming hurt and annoyed and angry in the same time. A million of emotions flashed in his eyes as he quickly approached the younger and grabbed him by his arms with all the strength he had. But now that he had done this, Jin had no idea what to do next. He wanted to punch Kazuya to make him say sorry for all the things he had said. He wanted to kiss the younger to make him shut up and demonstrate how much sex really meant in their relationship. If everything was reduced to sex, Jin thought, then he ought to show the boy how much Jin really wanted him and to make him feel sorry for ever saying that.
He just stared at Kazuya for a couple of minutes, pondering on his decision. In the end, he pushed back the younger and looked at him with disgust as his eyes traveled along his body. He had lost weight again, Jin noticed, after all the nights he had spent studying and forgetting to eat while still fighting with his body’s desire to get high. And it was obvious that he needed a lot of rest to get rid of the bags under his eyes and still he was stubborn and refused to do all of this.
And for what? For a stupid diploma?
Jin couldn’t understand. “Yes, it’s all about sex.” He finally replied after what seemed like an eternity. “I’m a horny bastard and I want to fuck you every night. In fact, it doesn’t matter who I fuck as long as it’s someone.” He then added with a mocking voice. Forget that I told you that I love you, he thought. Forget that I would do anything for you. After all… it’s not like it matters for you, Jin said to himself, his face not betraying his real thoughts.
Hearing Jin saying such things angered Kazuya, his overflowing emotions taking over him as he moved to Jin, grabbed him by the collar and forcefully kissed him. It was a raw and needy kiss, one that showed anger, pain and lust in the same time. Kazuya hated Jin for what he was making him do, hated him for who he was now and for the fact that he couldn’t fight back the feeling that had been blooming in his heart for a while. Then he detached himself from Jin and slapped him with all of his might.
“Then you should go and fuck someone else.” Kazuya said with a hoarse voice, his eyes darkened by anger and desire in the same time. “You are important to me too, but right now, college is more important.” He added, not realizing that he might make the mistake of his life. After all, Kazuya had long forgotten the power of words and how much they could cut into a person’s heart.
Jin looked blank as he stared back at Kazuya, empty of any feelings that he could have. He hadn’t moved when Kazuya kissed him, hadn’t blinked when he had hit him. And he didn’t show any sign now that he had heard the boy’s words as the only thing he did was to just breathe. Steady and slowly, like he was in another place and all of this wasn’t happening to him.
“Then so be it.” He finally said with a voice as empty as his expression. “But you’ll realize how grave of a mistake you’re doing now.” He warned Kazuya, his cold gaze seeming to pierce through Kazuya’s soul.
And then he left, just like that, without any explanations.
Kazuya stared at the place Jin had been, his mind completely blown away by his last words. Had he done a mistake? But he… he wanted to tell Jin that he wanted him too, that he will be with him even if college was now his primary concern! What had he done wrong?! Why did everyone in his life forbid him studying just because they wanted him to do other things?! His mother had been the same, if Kazuya hadn’t promised to sleep with her clients at least three times a day, he would have never gone to school! Now Jin… why was Jin doing this to him?! Was this a proof of his love? Was this the way Jin loved Kazuya and showed it him?
No… and something went wrong from this. And Jin will do something now, Kazuya realized as fear slowly crept into his soul, making him feel suddenly cold and lonely. No, he had to stop this. Jin won’t do anything, Jin said that he loved him and Kazuya trusted him on this. So… everything should be alright. But he needed to go after Jin, he needed to tell him that …
What? Kazuya didn’t know what to tell Jin because the older didn’t understand him, he was selfishly thinking only of his needs, not even once of Kazuya. The younger returned to his bedroom with a numb sensation, his mind suddenly tired and groggy. He threw himself on the bed, Jin’s threatening words running through his head. Had he really done a mistake by wanting to study even if it meant exhausting himself and ignoring Jin for a few weeks? Apparently yes.
And he was going to pay, Kazuya was already sure, because Jin no matter how much loved him… would still hurt him in the end. Because Jin only knew how to hurt Kazuya, but this time he wasn’t sure how should he stop the older one from hurting him. It was late and he was hurting inside. Be it whatever… tomorrow he’ll face it.
But hope was still there - hope that Jin this time won’t ruin his life once more.
*
When we wake up in the morning, most of us feel that this is another day, another page of our life which will be filled with nothings and stuff lacking in real importance. Life passes in front of our eyes, but we can’t see it, we don’t realize how fragile it is until we lose it, maybe our own life or maybe the life of someone important to us. And then we stop and we ask ourselves… what have we done with our life? We’ve woken up every morning to do the same thing, to work hard for something that will never satisfy us and won’t help us when we’re dead and buried under two feet of dirt. We’ve lived our life doing the same annoying thing every day, trying to please our parents or make money or simply do something because we think it’s important.
It’s pointless in the end. Nothing that we do will matter in the end. But maybe… just maybe, the fact that we’re happy doing that stupid things makes all the difference. Maybe it’s enough if we have a pointless life as long as we keep the smile on our lips.
And maybe… we won’t be as empty as the others when we’ll face Death.
The second day, Kazuya couldn’t help but feel unsettled, fear clawing at him as he headed for college, stopping at its entrance and looking wary. But there seemed nothing wrong, no one looking funny at him and no one whispering his name. For starters, everything was peaceful and calm, but Kazuya was no fool to believe in such appearances - it was the calm before the storm and he could be sure that Jin would hurt him where it hurt him the most, that being his college life.
“Yo!” Koki jumped out from nowhere and ruffled his hair while wearing a large grin. “You look worried, you okay?” he asked, grabbing the younger by the chin and analyzing him with a stern look.
Kazuya laughed nervously and slapped softly Koki’s hand away. If Jin was watching, this was the least the younger wanted him to see. “I had a bad dream, but I’m okay.” He replied to his friend who immediately looked alarmed.
“Nightmares again?”
“Ah, no. Somehow, they stopped.” Kazuya quickly replied, smiling a bit. “I told you, after I met my mother… they kind of disappeared. I guess I had wounds to heal.” He gave again a nervous laugh and Koki squeezed him lightly by the shoulder.
“You’re right.” He simply said, not wanting to continue onto the subject. He was sure that Kazuya had needed to face her to surpass his fear and to fight off his nightmares. But he had kept quiet, not wanting to distance him even more from him. “Just so you know… I’ll always be here.” Koki added suddenly, pleasantly surprising the younger one who gave him a light punch in the shoulder and chuckled.
The two of them headed for classes, feeling as if their bond was once more deepened. Kazuya was lucky to have Koki by his side and just like college, he won’t give him up. At least, Jin won’t make him do such a thing.
And just as Jin’s name passed through his mind, Kazuya felt again that feeling of fear and he was once more restless. What did Jin meant by mistake? And why did he warn him?! Was he really going to do something harmful to Kazuya? Damn. Such questions he had asked himself over and over last night until he had finally fell asleep with his phone in hand, still pondering whether he should call Jin or not. Even now, he was still fretting over such thing. And what could Jin really do to him?! There was nothing worse than to have pictures of him drugged spread thorough the school, that was for sure. And this time… he couldn’t hurt his friends, he had no reason and he knew very well that Kazuya would go ballistic if Jin touched again his friends.
Not that it mattered to Jin.
A tiny mean voice said and Kazuya shook his head to not think of this now. He knew that Jin was cruel, but he still hoped. He had always been the naïve one. But the false safety that he was living now made Kazuya feel this way. Maybe Jin would come back to him and he would just let their little fight slip away without other consequences. They were supposed to be lovers, right? And lovers were supposed to forgive and forget some things, especially if those things were important to one of them, right? But this lovers thing… applied to them in the least? Kazuya had no answer and again the mean voice was hurling in his head - NO.
Hours passed and still nothing happened, except the usual where teachers tried to ignore his answers, not being allowed to express his opinions or if they let him answer, they’d contradict him until they finally approved of his solution with a heavy sigh. And there had been a wonderful thing happening at the end of his last course before lunch. His teacher of Criminal Behavior approached him and talked with him normally.
“I just wanted to say, Kamenashi-kun, that no matter what had gotten into you to reach such extents, I hope that you do realize that you’re walking the wrong way and that it’s better to stop.” The Professor said with his deep tone, wearing again the kind yet severe expression as he always had when he was talking to Kazuya.
The younger felt overwhelmed by the joy of being accepted again by at least one teacher, that he opened his mouth and no words came out. Then he composed himself and said with a clear voice. “I have given up on them.”
The professor stared back, piercing Kazuya with his eyes, before finally smiling. “Then you can dream of a bright future.” He patted the younger on the shoulder and left the classroom.
Kazuya was about to weep of happiness as Koki, followed by Maru and Junno, entered back quickly, inquiring him. And when he told them what the teacher said, all three of them hugged Kazuya, happy for his friend. It was the best thing that could happen to him after three weeks of enduring such cold treatment from his teachers! He almost wanted to jump of joy when he remembered Jin. He could finally call him and tell him about this and to even brag that after all, enduring has its benefits. Kazuya wanted to share this happiness with Jin, but first it was time to eat and he was feeling quite hungry.
All four friends headed to the cafeteria, taking a full table and beginning to eat while talking cheerfully. For once, Kazuya wasn’t feeling watched, talked or sniggered at… he was feeling at ease and peaceful with himself, with his friends. He didn’t realize the stress he had been under, not until the professor decided to talk with him and acknowledge him at last. He was laughing happily when all of a sudden the TV they had in the cafeteria seemed to break and there were loud wails coming from the entire room.
Then a loud cheering was heard before silence fell and Kazuya’s body went cold with sweat as he glanced up at the TV. The signal didn’t come back… no, something worse came. The blood drained out of Kazuya’s face as he kept staring - as everyone else - at what was now showing on TV.
“Come on, bitch, faster!”
Kazuya saw himself straddling the man whose voice was just heard and pushing himself down on his cock, a low groan escaping his lips. Then he set up a pace, panting and arching under the other’s ruthless fucking, moving faster as he had demanded. Then the other man’s hand grabbed him by the head and pushed him forward, now Kazuya being sprawled on the bed, his head hanging over its rim. His lustful and beautiful face filled the screen as rude sounds were heard, the man hovering above Kazuya and pushing himself inside of the younger, making him moan profoundly.
“Here’s something that even drugs won’t make you forget!”
The man suddenly said and Kazuya wanted to see no more, to hear no more as he suddenly rushed out of the cafeteria where everyone was disgusted with what they had just seen.
Outside it started to rain, but Kazuya didn’t seem to care as he kept on running, feeling that all his life had just been thrown away. He had fought all along just to go to school, to be proud of himself at least in this aspect as the rest of his life had been more than hellish. And now… now, nothing mattered. His bright future that his teacher spoke of was now blown away like leaves in front of the wind. He was nothing more than a fucking addict and now a whore. He won’t be going back to college anymore, he couldn’t do that anymore.
The younger stopped in his track, the rain pouring down on him as he looked up at the sky and began to shout through his cries no one will hear. Or no one will care. And the worst part of it… he knew who was behind all of this. And yet he had dared to hope, he had craved for Jin to understand him and to not ruin his life once more. But all had been pure dust blasted away.
Numb, cold and tired, Kazuya walked around aimlessly, thinking that there wasn’t anything else that should matter for him and he should not even care of what would happen next to him. In fact… he didn’t even care. Now all he wanted was to disappear and to never be found.
*
You want something but you can’t have it and you know that you’d do anything to make it yours. But be careful. Think wisely and decide if that thing is worth the pain and suffering it will bring when you’ll snatch it from others.
Because most of the time… it doesn’t.
Jin was pacing up and down in his room, glancing at his door and waiting for the doorbell to ring. He knew that Kazuya was at his apartment and he hadn’t left the building after he got home that afternoon but he still hoped that he’ll see him there soon. But the clock showed eleven in the evening and Jin was starting to become kind of worried. He knew that what he did was an extreme thing, but he had just snapped, like he did all the other times. He had been furious when he had left the younger’s apartment the other day and hurt by Kazuya’s words. He still couldn’t believe that his own lover didn’t trust him when he said that Jin loved him and he thought that Jin only used him for his own pleasure.
Was that all? Jin had wanted to ask, but refrained himself from doing so. If it was all about the sex, then he would have found someone else a long time ago and wouldn’t have bothered to do all those things for Kazuya. He wouldn’t have let him go that easily when the boy had asked it, he wouldn’t have come and meet his father, he wouldn’t have cared enough to make Kazuya give up at drugs.
Jin was aware of the fact that he had changed and he thought that Kazuya saw this too. But how wrong had he been. Not only that Kazuya didn’t believe in his words of love, he still considered Jin as someone whom he shouldn’t care about. College was a stupid thing in Jin’s vision and he couldn’t understand the point of it, seeing as he had a perfect life even without going to school at all. Hearing Kazuya that it was more important than Jin… it hurt. It hurt to be compared with something without sense, something that shouldn’t have existed in the first place if you asked Jin. It was useless to go to college, finish it with high grades and then have nothing to eat because you couldn’t find a job. You’d be forced to do the work of a slave to afford to live and you’ll curse the days that you’ve wasted studying for something which didn’t bring you any benefit.
He wasn’t sure what had happened then. Jin just knew that he had wanted to hurt Kazuya in that moment and he had left from his apartment with that thought on his mind. Luckily he had a tape with Kazuya which he had confiscated from one of the drug-addicts that he sold stuff to. Jin had discovered it by accident and had taken care of that man who had dared to treat Kazuya like this, making sure that he won’t be able to tell about his experience to someone else.
He just never thought that he’d use it this way.
“Oh, fuck!” he finally gave up on waiting for Kazuya when the clock hit the stroke of midnight, taking his jacket and driving like a madman until he got to the younger’s apartment. He didn’t wait for an answer as he used his own key to open the door lock and entered the house enveloped in darkness. He blinked and worry suddenly started to fill his chest, thinking that Kazuya might have done something to himself this time too.
How stupid he had been! How could he simply ignore that the last time when something like this happened, Kazuya had tried to kill himself?! Jin hadn’t been that concerned then because he was also there and could take care of him even if he hadn’t showed that he cared. But now… it had been hours. The younger could already be dead if he had tried something.
He didn’t waste any more time and dashed towards Kazuya’s room, this being the first place that came into his mind, slamming the door on the wall and examining the room. A sudden wave of relief washed over him as he saw Kazuya on the bed and looking alright.
“Kazuya?” he called the boy, now recalling what he had come there for and slowly approaching the bed.
But the younger didn’t even react to Jin’s voice, his brown eyes being focused on the opened window from which he could hear the wind rustle through the leaves. The moonlight was shining on him and it made him look somehow ghostly, his hair still damp from the afternoon rain. He didn’t even move when Jin came closer, he did nothing but stayed there and watched outside. It was like he was a lifeless doll if you didn’t hear the humming of the younger. It really was barely audible.
“Kazuya?” Jin tried again, putting his hand on the younger’s shoulder. Something clearly was off, but he didn’t want to put a name to it yet, so Jin decided to wait and to make the younger talk to him and find out his thoughts.
When Jin touched him, Kazuya stopped humming and for a few moments did nothing until he turned and looked at Jin with empty eyes. “What are you doing here?” he asked and if not for the broken voice, you’d say he was trying to chase Jin away.
Jin looked back at Kazuya with uncertain eyes as he studied the younger’s figure. He was still wet and Jin concluded that he must have been standing there at the window since he came home and that was many hours ago. If he had left when the video had started playing - and Jin was sure of that because that’s when it had rained - then Kazuya had been sitting there dripping wet for half a day already. “Um, I came to see you.” He said, sounding shy and unsure of his words.
It was obvious that Kazuya was mad and Jin couldn’t really blame him - well, at least a little - but he still thought that he did the right thing. Maybe it had been kind of exaggerated - and it had surely been - but it had the desired conclusion. And now things were going to be alright, Jin was sure of that.
But how alright things were going to be, Jin had no idea. Kazuya looked once more at Jin, his big and brown eyes seeming to engulf all of Jin in their emptiness. Then he turned to his initial position and resumed humming, ignoring Jin and all that the older meant. Kazuya was half-aware of the fact that Jin’s presence was hurting him and his brain rejected the memories of the earlier afternoon. He won’t recall them no matter what, he refused, he’ll stay numb and cold.
Jin pouted when he saw the younger’s rejection and sighed, realizing that he won’t be receiving anything more than this tonight. Oh, well, the older thought, as long as he was beside Kazuya, he didn’t care that he didn’t want to talk to him. So Jin simply shrugged and left the room, heading to the bathroom and coming back with a warm and fluffy towel, proceeding to dry the boy’s hair with it in silence.
Kazuya accepted the treatment for a few moments before he slapped Jin’s hands away and got off from the bed, getting closer to the open window. He turned at Jin and there was a ghostly smile on his face. “Jin.” He said with a feeble voice. “If I fall from here, would your life be ruined?” Kazuya asked, looking down, the wind playing with his half dried hair. “I had hoped that you wouldn’t do anything, you know. I had hoped that you wouldn’t ruin my life. Now… I have no hopes at all.” The younger continued as he looked back at Jin and his eyes seemed to burn in his skull. He lifted himself, putting one foot outside the window, letting it dangle. “Tell me. If I fall from here, would your life be ruined?” he repeated the question as he leaned a bit forward, a soft chuckle leaving his lips as the wind caressed his face.
Jin didn’t move as he watched Kazuya, his eyes trained on his every movement though. He looked at Kazuya and for a few moments, he just stared into his eyes, trying to find the perfect answer. But there wasn’t one and Jin knew this very well. “I don’t know.” He finally decided to say the truth, dreading the consequences this might have. “You mean everything for me and I couldn’t live without you,” he continued, honesty being the only thing written in his eyes besides fear, “but I’d probably find a way. If I wouldn’t go mad without you, then I’d continue to live. Better or worse, I don’t know how.” He explained, knowing himself to be a strong man and a strong man couldn’t be brought down by such a thing.
Even if there was a tiny voice in his head that kept telling him that his life would probably be ruined without Kazuya. But, somehow, everything that Jin said seemed to have the role of hurting the younger in that moment and he wasn’t even aware of this fact.
Kazuya put both of his legs outside the window. “I feel sorry that I had accepted you in my life. I regret meeting you.” He said with a far away like voice. “You’re no different from the whore that raised me.” The younger said, hatred and disdain in his voice. It was so different from how he had been feeling up till Jin showed up at his place. He was bursting with emotions, their intensity consuming him and making him want to do something that’ll mark Jin forever just like Jin had done to him.
Kazuya’s words hurt and Jin stopped breathing when the younger started talking. He didn’t want to hear this, he didn’t want to know this. What had he done wrong after all? He was just worried for Kazuya because he was struggling with a thing that wouldn’t bring him any benefit. He had tried to help the boy but it seemed that he was one blamed in the end.
“So what? Now you’ll jump and end your life because of a stupid college?” Jin snorted, not being able to stop himself. He couldn’t understand and this made him angrier and furious with the younger. If he was planning to throw his whole life away, then fine! Jin wasn’t going to bother with him if that was what Kazuya wanted. After all, if he valuated college more than Jin, then… it had been useless from the start.
Kazuya looked at Jin and arched an eyebrow. “Because of a stupid college?” he asked with a trembling voice. “No fucking way!” He then turned and jumped off from the window. “I just wanted to know how much you value me.” The younger shrugged and moved away from the window. “Not much, but it doesn’t matter anymore.” He laughed like it was no big thing. “Oh, you said you came to see me. Do you want to fuck? I’m kind in the mood.” Kazuya turned and looked at Jin with an adorable expression as his hands fumbled with the buttons of his wet shirt. If Jin thought Kazuya was going to end himself like this, then he was wrong. What Jin did made the younger feel nothing but sheer despair and a need to take revenge. And Kazuya already knew how to make Jin hurt because of him - after all, Jin loved him, right?
“Then what?” Jin cocked a mocking eyebrow, completely ignoring Kazuya’s proposal. “I should have wailed and flapped my hands like a girl to stop you from jumping? I should have begged you to come back and don’t kill yourself?” he asked, the mocking in his voice increasing with every word that he said. “I’m sorry to disappoint you,” he continued, not letting the younger reply, “but if you’re stupid enough to kill yourself, then be my guest! There are few things which I value and life is one of them. If you’re such a moron to take it, then I won’t stop you.” Jin said with a determined voice, crossing his arms and vaguely being aware of the fact that he’d have saved Kazuya eventually just to be able to kill him himself.
Kazuya stopped from unbuttoning, now the shirt being just a little loose. “Wow, wow, what’s with the sudden sentimentalism?” he laughed as he passed a hand through his hair, ruffling it a little. “I don’t remember asking you to save me or some shit. I just asked you if you want to fuck or not. And I’m being quite the gentleman here, so yes or no?” The younger asked with an impatient tone. “Of course, you wouldn’t be the first one to refuse me, but there’s plenty of fish in the water, so… it doesn’t matter.” Kazuya shrugged as he began to button his shirt again, already considering that Jin refused. After all, Jin’s feelings were nothing in front of him. Not anymore.
Oh, God, Kazuya was really starting to get on Jin’s nerves. “Fine! Let’s fuck then!” he yelled, getting rid of his shirt in the same time and looking really annoyed.
Kazuya smirked and got close to Jin with lazy steps. “Took you long enough.” He smirked and he slipped his hands around Jin’s neck, crushing their mouths together, thrusting his tongue inside the older one’s hot cavern, brushing it against his and initiating a passionate dance. There was a thirst and a hunger in Kazuya that up until now he had never showed to Jin. He seemed famished, he seemed changed. He glued his body against Jin’s, his damp clothes touching the other’s skin. Kazuya stopped slowly their kiss, his teeth pulling gently on Jin’s lower lip as he looked into the older one’s dark eyes. “I had a lot of men who liked when I did this. Do you like it as well?” he said and passed his tongue over the bitten lip, slowly moving down his chin and under his jaw. “Each time I got here, they were kind of whimpering.” He whispered as his tongue skimmed above the collarbones. “But I guess you’re different. Mom was right, younger is indeed different.” Kazuya smirked, looking up at Jin as he lowered himself and sucked on one of Jin’s nipples.
Jin closed himself and let himself enjoy the soft movement of Kazuya’s tongue, only now remembering that he hadn’t had sex for more than three weeks now. Kazuya’s words were bothering him and he wanted him to just shut up and continue on kissing him like that. “You’re a slut.” He simply said, not aware yet of Kazuya’s intentions.
The younger gave a soft chuckle as he moved onto the other nipple, his fingers dancing on Jin’s waist and then grabbing his ass, fondling it. “Yes, I’m slut. And a good damn one, right?” he bit onto the nipple, gaining a soft moan from Jin. “They never once complained about me, quite the contrary, they wanted me more and more.” The younger said as he rose up and pushed Jin towards the bed, making him fall onto it. “And I gave and gave, each time moaning louder… feeling better.” Kazuya whispered as he straddled Jin, moving his hips and creating friction between their bodies. “Yes, I’ve been many men’s slut.” He agreed as he leaned and took Jin’s lips in a slower, maddening and deep kiss.
PART II