For The Heart I Once Had (11/12)
Jeff should have known things were going too well. It was only a matter of time before it all came crashing down. He just hadn't expected how it happened.
They'd gone to Mom and Dad's again, this time Gillian and her daughter were visiting. Jeff hadn't known what to think about his sister naming her child after Katie. On one hand, he was honored. On the other, looking at the child's dark curls and wide eyes reminded him of what might have been.
"You all right?" Jensen asked, squeezing Jeff's hand under the dining table. Jeff hadn't eaten much of the lunch his mother had prepared, but there was no way for Jensen to know that.
"Fine," he said. The last thing he wanted was to make Jensen feel like shit simply because of Jeff's old regrets. Their relationship was about making something new.
Before Jensen could call Jeff out on his avoidance, which he damn well knew Jensen would, a little hand tugged on his sleeve. "Uncle Jeff, can I play with the dog?"
She was going to be a heartbreaker, this one. "Well, sweetie, it's Jensen's dog, you're going to have to ask him."
Katherine blinked her pretty brown eyes at him and nodded. She tugged on Jensen's hand. "C'mon, Uncle Jensen. Let's play."
Jensen smiled at her, his cheeks flushing a bit, probably at being called uncle. Jeff didn't like the shadows under Jensen's eyes. As far as he knew Jensen was sleeping just fine, even with their enthusiastic rolls in the hay. It was as if, now that he could, nothing was going to keep Jeff from indulging in Jensen's body. Maybe he should insist on an early bedtime tonight, for both of them.
"Come, Mila," Jensen said. He let the little girl lead him away from the table and Mila followed after them both, her tail wagging furiously.
"Let the kids play," Gillian said with a laugh. She started to collect the dirty plates from the table.
Jeff got up to help her, since he was not going to let his mother do the dishes after she'd already spent the morning cooking. Together they managed to clear the table and load the dishwasher and their mother only protested once before Dad led her back into the living room.
"I have to say, Jeff, that you surprised me," Gill said, poking at the settings on the dishwasher. "I didn't think you'd settle down again, never mind leave the Corps."
Jeff wiped his hands on a dishtowel as he gathered his thoughts. He had never really settled down with Katie. No matter how much he loved her, he still dragged her out into the galaxy to live the life of a soldier's spouse. "I think I finally learned that some things are more important."
She flashed him a grin. "Are you going to get a house nearby? Hire a surrogate and give Mom even more grandchildren?"
"I think you've been chatting with Mom far too much," Jeff told her. "Besides, I heard her new crusade was finding someone for Liz."
"Don't tell Mom, but Liz might not need any help on that."
Now that was interesting news. "Anyone I know?"
Before she could reply, a scream cut through the air. Jeff dropped the dishtowel, knowing that wasn't the squeal of a child playing.
"Jeff! Jeff!" His mother called.
Jeff ran, pushing the kitchen door so hard it slammed against the wall. He had his mouth open to ask what was wrong as he made it into the living room, only to see Jensen huddled in a ball on the floor, Mila licking at his face. Falling to his knees, Jeff pushed Mila away.
"Jen?"
Jensen looked like he had on the floor of Jeff's guestroom, all those months ago. His hands had curled into claws, his muscles tight with tension and his eyes screwed closed.
"Hurts," Jensen said. He tried to reach for Jeff, but yelped and curled back in on himself.
Panic had Jeff's heart thumping. He didn't know how to help Jensen. Jensen's doctors were too far and Jeff would have to explain far too much to the closest hospital. He took one of Jensen's hands in his and massaged it gently. Jensen clearly knew where he was, so this was more than a simple panic attack or flashback. "Do you know why?"
"Drug patch, wore off. Forgot to change it."
Damn it. Jeff looked at the thin patch at the back of Jensen's neck. It had turned a shade of pink, one of the signs the medication was wearing off. He hadn't even noticed. Jeff knew he'd be kicking himself for weeks.
All of Jensen's medicine was back at the hotel. For a moment Jeff debated leaving Jensen here while he went back to get it. But he knew he couldn't do that, he could never leave Jensen in pain like this.
"Jeff, what's wrong?" Mom asked. "Should we call an ambulance?"
"No!" Jensen shouted.
"Mommy!" Katherine was crying.
Damn it, Jeff was failing them all. He shook off his mom's hand and scooped Jensen up in his arms. Jeff had to close his eyes for a moment, so assaulted with memories about the last time he had to do this, back on Harmony when he'd had to carry Jensen to their medics.
"No, I have his medicine at the hotel. I need to take him there."
"I'll help you," Dad said, already clearing the way and opening the front door. He had the key chip for the car somehow, but Jeff didn't question it. He had a whimpering Jensen in his arms and needed all the help he could get.
***
Jeff had found a note from Jared in the little medical kit, written on a slim piece of holo-plast with his name scrawled on the back. It contained brief instructions on what to do when Jensen forgot one or another of his meds. He didn't think about Jared being so certain this would happen, just took the preloaded hypoderm and hit Jensen with the sedative before he replaced the medicine patch.
Dad had helped him get Jensen on the bed. Mila hopped up right away, curling herself against Jensen's chest. Once Jeff got the sedative in him, Jensen relaxed enough to pull the dog close, burying his face in her golden fur.
"Does this happen often?" Dad asked in a low voice as he pulled the covers over Jensen's legs.
Jeff shook his head. "It's only the second time I've seen him like this."
He'd decided before they even left Texas that Jeff would treat Jensen like an adult, let him manage his own medicine. Jensen seemed to chafe at Jared's constant managing. Jeff didn't want to be that guy, the one who nagged his partner to annoyance.
But sometimes people made mistakes. Jensen couldn't be perfect all the time and that's why Jeff should have been paying better attention. He was Jensen's Dom, damn it, he should never have let it get this bad.
Jeff stroked the sweaty hair off of Jensen's forehead, hating how his lover still looked so pale. He worried how bad this setback had fucked with Jensen's healing. They'd have to go back to Texas and meet with his doctors. Holo-meetings wouldn't cut it.
"Jeff." His dad touched his arm. "I'm going to comm your mom, let her know Jensen is okay. Then I'll get a shuttle home."
"You don't need to do that, Dad, I can drive you. . ."
"No, stay with Jensen." The steel in Dad's voice could compete with a few captains. Jeff resisted the urge to salute. "Call us if you need us."
"Thanks." Jeff swallowed down the lump in his throat.
He didn't even notice when Dad left. Jeff sat on the bed, just watching Jensen's chest rise and fall with each breath. Eventually the lines of pain disappeared from Jensen's forehead and he seemed to fall into a natural sleep. Jeff went to make a pot of coffee. He would guard Jensen's dreams tonight.
***
Jensen woke slowly, the scent of dog thick in his nose. His head felt fuzzy and he knew that feeling. Jeff must have sedated him. Damn it.
He rolled onto his back, taking a moment to take stock of his body. Everything felt a little stiff. When he flexed his feet he winced. Stars, he hoped he hadn't undone all the progress he'd made these past few months. The drug patch had been almost like a miracle, giving him back sensation he'd thought lost forever. Now his feet were numb and piercing pain shot down his forearms from his palms.
Even if he had to do it all over again - all the physical therapy, the exercises, the straining to be normal - Jensen would. He didn't quit, wouldn't give up as long as there was hope. But what if the drug patch stopped working? That kind of thing happened. It had happened to him, early on in his recovery. One of the pain meds had lost all effectiveness.
If this combo of drugs stopped working and his nerves regenerated again, Jensen didn't know if he could live like that. He wouldn't be able to walk and he couldn't trust his hands the way he'd come to rely on them.
"Jensen," Jeff's voice was hoarse and nearby. His fingertips touched Jensen's cheek and it was only then that Jensen even noticed his own tears.
"Jeff." He reached out for him, burying his face against Jeff's warm chest. He inhaled Jeff's scent, so strong right now. It comforted him.
"I'm sorry," Jeff said. "I should have been looking out for you."
Jensen shook his head, unable to move away from the comfort of Jeff's body. "My fault. I lost track of time. That's the problem with vacation."
"I put us off schedule, dragging you out here like this."
"Okay, we are not going to play this game." Jensen pulled away from Jeff's embrace. He hated that he couldn't look Jeff in the eye. Cupping his hands around Jeff's face he said, "I promise I won't blame myself if you stop blaming yourself."
He could feel the smile on Jeff's cheeks. "I'm the one who promised to be your Dom. That means I'm responsible for taking care of you."
Jensen opened his mouth to counter that, but something crossed his mind. It was so simple that he couldn't believe he hadn't thought of it before. "Do you think that they could fix me on Harmony?"
Jeff didn't say anything for a long moment. The smile faded from his cheeks and Jensen didn't know what to think. Finally he said, "Your brother is going to kill me."
Jensen let out a little laugh. "Because you'd be doing exactly what he accused you of the moment you walked in our door? Getting me back in the Corps?"
"Jensen, they could do it, heal you. But is it worth the cost? Going back into the service?"
He thought about it for a moment. Maybe two months ago, Jensen would have said no, it wasn't. They'd found each other on Harmony, a place where Jensen's natural tendency toward submission was not only accepted but celebrated. Jeff had shown Jensen he could be that person once more. "I want to see you again," he admitted. "I'd do almost anything for that."
"Oh, Jen."
"Besides, Ferris owes me. I'm sure we can get some concessions." Jensen grinned, his mind already whirling with the possibilities. He needed Jeff with him on this. Jensen leaned forward, finding Jeff's lips with his own. "Can we do this?"
Jeff kissed Jensen back, his fingers digging into Jensen's shoulders. "Do you want this, Jen? If you do, I'll do whatever it takes to get you there, if I have to steal a ship myself."
Jensen could feel his eyes starting to water again. "Yeah, Jeff. I do."
"Then heaven help anyone who gets in our way."
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