For The Heart I Once Had (4/12)
Jeff never would have guessed that in his retirement, he'd find himself using his command skills as an impromptu wedding planner, but in the days that followed his talk with Jensen, Jeff had been roped into Adrianne's planning. He found that it was really no different than managing his crew on the Mercury, other than there was a lot more cake-tasting involved. It also gave him an excuse to get out of the riding lessons Jensen insisted on. No matter how much Jen loved those horses, Jeff still didn't see the attraction to climbing onto the beasts and being jostled around the ranch. Give him a good, dependable ship any day.
"Jeff, do you have anyone to add to the guest list?" Adrianne looked up from her work. She sat at the kitchen table, typing onto a flat keyboard while a holoprojector flickered into being the faces of each of the guests she added to her list.
He sat across from her, wondering why she did this here instead of in the more comfortable living room. "Why would I have anyone to add?"
She pursed her lips as she frowned, giving her a sort of pout. "Any friends or coworkers you'd like to invite."
"Adrianne, it's not my wedding."
"Well, you're Jensen's significant other. You're practically family." She flipped through her list again, the faces cycling so quickly Jeff didn't know how she processed them all. "And Jared and Jensen have so little actual family."
At least Adrianne liked him. Jared still hadn't quite warmed to Jeff and had made his presence scarce over the past few days. He repeatedly told Adrianne just to tell him when to show up and he'd be there. Today he and Jensen had gone to be fitted for tuxedos, which Jeff supposed had really been to get them both out of the house and away from the excessive planning.
"I think you're jumping the gun a bit with me and Jen." They still slept in separate bedrooms, although each night Jeff was able to indulge in touching and kissing Jensen. He'd tried to push it a little too quickly in the beginning, sliding his hand down Jensen's pants without warning first. Jensen had retreated, his entire body shaking. For a moment Jeff had worried he'd need to ask Jared for help again and that would only sink him further in Jared's eyes.
Jensen had taken several deep breaths, one hand held out to keep Jeff away, and took control. They hadn't needed to resort to the sedatives. The techniques Jensen had told him about were working. Jeff had high hopes to be able to move further very soon.
Adrianne gave him a look through narrowed eyes that made Jeff want to blush. "Then how would you define it?"
He inclined his head, giving her the point. "There's got to be a better word than 'significant other'." There had been another word, back on Harmony - Dom. Jensen had said he didn't know if he could ever be a sub again, but Jeff could still take on the responsibilities of a Dom, making sure Jensen's needs were met without overwhelming him.
"You're both too old for boyfriend." She tapped her chin, deep in thought.
"He's just . . . mine," Jeff blurted, unable to describe all that lay between him and Jensen. Maybe they did go beyond traditional labels. He thought of the collaring ceremony back on Harmony, the way Major Tappen had looked when his Ian had placed the collar around his neck. Was that so very different from a wedding?
Adrianne grinned at him, a glowing smile that she must have used to get Jared to fall in love with her. "That's sweet. But you still didn't answer my question. Guests? Especially people that Jensen might want but didn't suggest?"
Ah! There it was. Of course Jensen wouldn't want to give any Corps names, not when Jared was so against anyone else from the military. But Jensen had been in the service for over ten years, and Jeff knew from experience how that limited your circle of friends.
Jeff would have to check on when the Mercury was due back in deep space. There might be a few people Jensen wouldn't be averse to meeting again. "There are few names from our mission together. I just have to check if they're on planet when you're getting married."
"After all this time and it's only four weeks away!"
He grinned back at her, her joy infectious. "Who else you got from the Corps?"
She queued up a list. Jeff watched the faces fly by as Adrianne said each of their names. "Major Sophia Bush, Captain Tom Welling. Colonel Samantha Smith. I've been debating about General Ferris all morning."
"Ferris? Why?" Jeff sat up straight, a trickle of sweat pooling at the back of his neck.
"She was Jensen's mentor. That's how he described her to me once, anyway. I'm not sure if he still likes her. Those relationships can turn ugly fast."
"Sounds like the voice of experience."
Adrianne rolled her eyes. "Oh yeah. It's way in the past though. I'm not going to dwell on it."
She didn't seem like the type of person who did. Good, they had enough brooders around the ranch.
"Good for you. I'll write up my list and send it to your comm code. That work?"
"Perfect." She tapped the keyboard, wiping away the holos of the guests. "I still have to choose my dress. The timeline on that is getting tight."
"Stars, you're not asking me for advice, are you?" Jeff could feel the blood draining from his face. If she was anything like his sisters, the selection process could take weeks!
The holo brightened up again, this time showing a sunny blond model in an extremely poofy white gown. "Well, at least let me bounce some ideas off of you."
"You ARE asking me for advice!"
The girl had the audacity to giggle. "Well I certainly can't ask Jared. Or Jensen." She frowned. "And my mom wants something traditional that would just make me look like a giant marshmallow. I'm thinking about not wearing white at all. Maybe something pink."
"Remember you are going to be outside," Jeff said absently, pulling the keyboard out of her hands. He didn't think about what he was doing as he logged into his account and found the folder marked 'wedding holos.' There wasn't even a preview photo on the little folder icon hovering in the middle of the table. Jeff touched it with his fingers and the holos started. "My wife, Katie, wore red. She was born in the Confed and it's the custom out there."
"Still is some places here, too," Adrianne said, eyes widening as Jeff flipped through the roll.
His chest hurt and Jeff felt like he couldn't breathe. He watched as Katie's smiling face appeared in holo after holo. Her gown had been deep scarlet, with careful golden embroidery that glittered in the sunlight. It had made her skin glow, not that anything could match the brightness of her smile.
"You look happy," Adrianne said as Jeff stopped on a holo where he stood next to his wife, both standing at the altar in the base chapel. They were surrounded by red and white flowers, roses and the bright camelias that Katie had loved.
If we had only known, he thought. "She's been dead four years," he said, mouth dry. God, he needed a drink.
Adrianne took the keyboard back and shut the connection down completely. "I'm sorry."
"You kids seize whatever happiness you can," he told her. "Don't let anything come between you. Not your job, not his. Not even Jensen or me. You understand?"
Her eyes glittered. "I understand."
***
"How does it feel?" Jared asked, tucking the collar of the jacket down around Jensen's neck.
He took a step back to admire the way the tuxedo fit his brother. Jensen's broad shoulders filled out the lines of the jacket. The dark color only enhanced the brightness of his eyes and the pale tones of his face, even with his newly acquired tan. Whenever he'd imagined his wedding, Jared imagined his brother beside him, just like this. He wished their parents could be there to see them both.
Jensen pulled at the tie, ruining the debonair illusion as he loosened the carefully tied knot. "It pinches." He let go of the tie and rubbed at the sleeves. "And it's scratchy."
Holograms could never convey the way fabric felt or how it would drape over your body. So Jared had taken a page out of Adrianne's book, dragging Jensen out here to try on these tuxes and feel for himself whether one was more comfortable than another. Before that night a few weeks ago now, Jared would have picked out what he thought would be the best for Jensen's skin.
Damn him, but Morgan was right. Jensen was an adult. Jared had long valued his brother's opinion, had trusted him to guide Jared's entire life. He'd gotten too accustomed to being the caretaker and had forgotten he'd been anything but Jensen's doctor. They'd had a long talk after that night Jared decided to take Morgan's advice and have the wedding on the ranch. Jared had promised to try.
"I'll tell Martina that. Maybe she has something a bit softer." Jared frowned.
"You know I really should just wear my dress reds." Jensen carefully slipped out of the jacket, folding it over one arm.
Jared bit his lip. He hadn't even thought of that. "Do you. . . do you want to wear your uniform?"
To his relief Jensen grinned at him. "Good start, bro."
"I'm trying." And he was. Really. It was just hard, especially when he had to watch Jensen find his way with his white cane, or rub at his hands as if they pained him.
"I know you are." Jensen did that thing where he tried to look at Jared, but his eyes didn't quite focus. It made Jared's heart ache even more. "And since it's your wedding, I'll wear the tux. No promises when it's my turn. I might even make you wear pink!"
At that reminder of the man waiting back at the ranch, Jared's mood darkened. "Jensen," he whispered, "You can't be thinking of? Really? Him?"
Jensen's eyes sparked, which Jared could never explain how Jensen showed so much life through eyes that couldn't see. "You don't even know him, Jared."
"Sleeping with someone doesn't mean you know them either."
"Damn it, don't you think I of all people understand that?" Jensen struggled to keep his voice low. Jared checked over the top of the changing room door just to make sure their salesclerk wasn't standing there listening in. He didn't want to make a scene at the store.
"All right," Jared interrupted. He'd promised to try, and even if he worried Morgan was taking advantage of Jensen, he had to trust Jensen's judgment. "Then explain it to me? What's so fantastic about Commander Morgan?"
Jensen shook his head. He reached out and put his hands on Jared's chest, as if needing the contact. "That's your problem right there. You keep seeing the Corps as a bad thing."
"I saw what the Corps did to you."
"Gave me a purpose? Showed me the stars?" Jensen smiled. "Jeff is so much more than just 'Commander Morgan.' He has his flaws, sure, any person does. But I've never met anyone who cares as much as he does. He's an amazing leader, dedicated and loyal. And he understands me, knows what I need even before I do."
"You sound like you love him," Jared murmured. Jensen's entire face changed, lit up in a way Jared hadn't seen ever. Jeff Morgan had done that, broken Jensen out of the closed up shell he'd been since coming back to Earth. Hell, Jensen had started shutting down before his capture, if Jared really thought about it. The Corps had taken so much from him.
"Have you listened to him talk? Man's got the sexiest voice. . ." Jensen winked.
"Jen, gross!"
Jensen laughed. If Jeff made his brother happy, if he made him laugh like that, well, Jared couldn't hate him. "All right, I'll give him a chance," Jared said after a moment. "And I'll find a tux that's made out of flannel if it kills us."
He smiled to himself as Jensen's laughter followed him out of the changing room. Jeff wasn't the only person who could make his brother laugh.
***
Jensen listened hard as he worked through his evening stretches. He knew Jeff would come to him before bed, but it had gotten a little ridiculous. Their bedtime seemed to get earlier and earlier. As soon as they'd finished dinner Jensen would yawn and say he was really tired and going to turn in for the night. Jeff would comment about how his riding lessons had really done a number on him and he was heading for bed, too.
He was sure both Jared and Adrianne were rolling their eyes at them. Jensen was just glad Jared seemed to be willing to give Jeff the time of day now. They had a long way to go toward just being friends, but at least it was a start.
The soft knock he'd been expecting finally came at the door. Jensen shifted out of his pose and pulled at his t-shirt, patting himself down to make sure his clothes weren't stuck somewhere embarrassing. Then he realized he was being silly so he just called: "Come in."
"Jen?" Jeff asked as he entered.
"Bedtime is getting earlier and earlier." Jensen grinned. He sat at the edge of the bed, his bare toes digging into the soft carpet, appreciating being able to actually feel the soft fibers against his skin.
The door closed with a click. "Well, is there anything else you'd rather be doing?"
"Hell, no," Jensen didn't expect the raw quality in his voice when he spoke. Jeff's voice did things to him, whether he liked it or not. Just the thought of touching him soon had Jensen's dick thickening. He squirmed, waiting for Jeff to sit next to him for yet another of their epic make out sessions.
Instead of feeling weight on the bed next to him, Jensen felt a hand on his knee. He reached out and made contact with Jeff's soft hair. Jeff knelt before him. "Jeff?"
"Thought of something today when I was helping Adrianne with the wedding planning." Jeff cleared his throat.
"That something the reason you're on your knees?"
Jeff chuckled. "Well, it kinda relates to marriage, yes."
Jensen's belly fluttered with nervousness. They hadn't gone farther than a little groping. Did this mean that Jeff meant to take it further tonight? Was Jensen ready for that? He thought the answer to that just might be yes.
"You'd said you didn't think you could be my sub again. But Jen, that doesn't mean I stopped being your Dom."
Jensen shook his head in denial. "That doesn't make sense!"
"It does." Jeff squeezed a bit tighter. "Your injuries don't absolve me of my responsibilities."
"How long did you spend in Harmony after I left?" That sounded like Harmony rhetoric to him, although Jensen hadn't gotten nearly enough time to spend delving into that city's philosophy.
He'd been rated a submissive back at the academy and Jensen had long accepted that about himself. Ferris hadn't let him fall into the trap of thinking himself weak for needing it. In fact, it had been a powerful asset in his work, enabling him to infiltrate the Confed in a way no one else could. But without having the Corps, did Jensen still need a Dom?
He hadn't liked Jared's hovering, the way his brother had tried to take control of his life. Jensen smirked, thinking it had been like being a sub without the benefit of the sex. For the entire time he was on active duty, Jensen had dreamed of finding his true Dom, the one person who could accept his submission for the gift it was. For too long he had been using it as a weapon, a part of himself dying each time he did so.
On Harmony, it had been entirely different. Not only did he find an entire planet where submission was revered, Jensen had found himself submitting to Jeff because he wanted to, not just due to the mission. What started out as acting had become real. Jeff had awoken that long buried desire inside of him: Jensen's long time wish of finding someone who understood, who could be his Dom.
"I didn't stay long after you left," Jeff answered, misunderstanding. "And I've only been back to the base site, never within the actual city."
"Jeff." Jensen stroked his fingers along Jeff's cheeks, trailing the five o'clock stubble along his jaw. "You don't need to do this."
"What if I want to?"
Jensen's breath caught in his throat. "That still doesn't make any sense. You can't be my Dom if I can't. . . Jeff, you weren't even into this before you met me."
"What can I say? You made me need something I never knew I wanted." Jeff took Jensen's hands in his and kissed each palm.
Jensen closed his eyes. He could feel Jeff's lips on his skin. Maybe the new drugs were working. "What do you want tonight?"
"Let me give you pleasure." Jeff shifted upwards and caught Jensen's lips in a kiss. He sucked on Jensen's lower lip, making Jensen chase him as Jeff pulled away. "If you want me to stop at any time, just say stop."
"Simple enough safeword."
"We're agreed then?"
"Well, I don't exactly have a contract handy for you to sign, but yeah." Jensen found he was looking forward to whatever Jeff decided to do.
He was disappointed when Jeff pulled away. "Stand up and strip. I want to see you."
Jensen swallowed. Jeff hadn't seen him completely naked. He didn't know about the scars. Fuck, Jensen didn't even know how bad they were. He could only feel them, the vast slivers of raised skin. Who knew how awful they actually looked?
He lifted the edge of his t-shirt and raised it over his head. Then he stood there feeling like an idiot when he didn't know what to do with it. Jensen always made sure everything was in its place; it was the only way he could move confidently around his own bedroom. But he didn't know what Jeff wanted.
"I'll take it." Jeff pulled the shirt away and ended his dilemma.
Jensen took a deep breath, trying to regain his equilibrium. The air felt too cool on his chest and he couldn't shake the feeling of Jeff's eyes on him. He shouldn't feel like this. He never had to strip in front of his captors; he'd been naked since day one. This used to be his trade; Jensen knew how to strip and make it look good.
He supposed just being able to do this for Jeff was victory enough. Jensen hooked his thumbs into the elastic waistband of his sleep pants and pulled them down, over his thickening cock and down past his knees. Jensen kicked them off and hoped Jeff would take care of them too.
"Now what?" he asked.
He felt fingers under his chin, forcing him to tilt his head upward though he still saw nothing but darkness. "I'll tell you what comes next. Have some patience."
"Yes, sir." Jensen meant it as a joke, but the word came out a little breathless. He felt giddy, almost drunk.
"Touch yourself," Jeff said, his voice that low rumble that went straight to Jensen's dick.
He could feel himself pulse under Jeff's words and Jensen flushed, embarrassed.
"Just cup your cock," Jeff continued. "Feel how hard it is under your fingers."
It felt good to touch himself. Jensen's fingers tingled, but for the first time it didn't feel like a stranger touched his cock. He'd been disconnected from his body since he came back home, unable to settle into his own skin. Nothing had felt right and he'd gotten used to dealing with his limited sensation, his inability to get hard.
Now, tiny shocks of pleasure shot out from his fingertips, desire coiling at his center. Jensen struggled not to do more than what Jeff commanded. He wanted to stroke himself, chase completion in a way he hadn't in, fuck, years.
"Take your other hand and tug on your balls. Not too hard, just enough so you feel it."
Jensen did as commanded, whimpering slightly. He trembled at holding this position.
"You stopped shaving," Jeff murmured, almost as if he hadn't meant for Jensen to hear it.
"I could start again," Jensen offered, biting back the word 'sir.'
He felt the fingers trailing down his chest, tweaking each nipple gently, oh so gently. Jensen swallowed.
"Stroke yourself," Jeff told him. "Start slow, pick up some of the nice lube at your slit, make yourself good and slick."
Jensen hadn't even realized he was leaking. He gathered up the precome, surprised that there was enough to coat his cock, make his motions smooth and easy. He let out a moan, unable to contain himself.
"Touch yourself the way you like," Jeff whispered, his voice brushing against Jensen's cheeks.
"I don't remember what I like," Jensen gasped. It was true. He'd bent his desires to so many other wills that he'd forgotten this simple pleasure of touching himself.
"Easy boy, I got you." Jeff's hands stroked down Jensen's abdomen, taking hold of Jensen's cock.
Jensen was so fucking hard, so hard he felt like he'd never be able to come. Want pooled in his belly, especially at Jeff's touch, which scalded Jensen's skin. Jeff jerked him off gently, so gently that it almost hurt.
"Come on, boy," Jeff breathed against Jensen's ear. Jensen could feel the warmth of Jeff's body all along his. He craved that, wanted Jeff with him always.
"Oh," Jensen choked out as sensation flooded through him. He came and it hurt, felt like something deep inside had been set free.
"I got you, I got you," Jeff kept repeating and Jensen didn't understand why until he realized he was flat on his back on the bed.
"Jeff," he murmured, reaching out and holding Jeff to him. He couldn't let Jeff go, not now. Jensen buried his face against Jeff's shoulder, breathing him in. Jeff smelled like dust and sweat and Jensen never smelled anything sweeter. "You need..."
"I'm fine."
Jensen felt like his limbs were jelly, and he couldn't focus. But it didn't matter, because Jeff would take care of everything. Jensen could close his eyes and trust him. Jeff would keep the nightmares away, with his solid presence beside him. He'd been without this sense of safety for a long time and Jensen hadn't known how he had survived.
***
Jeff couldn't stop thinking about last night. Jensen had been so open, so responsive in a way he hadn't been since Harmony. Even when they'd just held each other and kissed, he always felt Jensen kept something back, as if he couldn't give Jeff anymore.
But last night, Jensen had unfolded like a flower, the way he had stripped for Jeff, put himself on display despite everything that had happened to him. Jeff had gotten to touch Jensen, stroke his soft skin and caress his hard cock. He hadn't even noticed the scars until Jensen had asked him, in a sleepy sounding voice, exactly how terrible they looked.
The sad thing was that Jeff could see the artistry in them, the way that Jensen's torturer had cut the lines along Jensen's back, in a parallel pattern that almost matched the remnants of the tattoo that curved along Jensen's side.
They couldn't remove all of it, not after the tracing chemical had been activated and burned its way into Jensen's skin. Jeff didn't care. He slid his hands over each mark, memorizing the planes of Jensen's new body.
This was just the beginning, he thought. Especially when Jensen slept through the night without a panic attack or a flashback. Jeff had woken him around ten to take his meds, just to be sure. But Jeff's touch hadn't hurt him.
Jeff wanted to do something to celebrate. It wasn't the kind of thing you shared with friends and family, though he got a bit of pleasure by imagining Jared's face at the news. Instead he took the opportunity to go with Adrianne to pick up some decorations for the wedding and ended up exploring the specialty shops in Dallas. There he found the perfect gift for Jensen.
Though right now, watching as Jensen sat serenely on the living room couch, oblivious to the world around him under his large headphones, Jeff reconsidered his very clever gift. Swallowing hard, he tapped Jensen on the shoulder.
Jensen smiled as he removed his headphones. Jeff wondered if he were listening to music or more of those audio books Sophia had sent him. "Jeff? That you?"
"Yeah, sweetheart. I got you a present."
Jensen blinked. He wrinkled his nose as if he could smell it. Well, Jeff wouldn't put it past him, really. Jensen had gotten damn good at using his other senses, not wanting to always have to depend on technology just to be able to get around.
"I hope it's something soft?" Jensen said.
"Good guess. Hold still, I'll put it on your lap."
"Jeff, I don't think Jared and Adrianne need to see fuzzy handcuffs . . . oh!" Jensen exclaimed as Jeff put the wriggly, squirming bundle on his lap.
The puppy hopped up on his hind legs and immediately began licking Jensen's chin. Jeff couldn't help himself, he had to reach down and stroke through the soft yellow fur on her back.
It was worth everything to see the expression on Jensen's face. His eyes widened, as if he couldn't quite believe what he held in his hands, and his mouth opened, stretching into a grin as the puppy lapped at his lips.
"You got me a puppy," Jensen tried to sound serious, but failed as he let out little bursts of laughter as he tried to stop the pup from licking. Jensen tucked her under one arm, scratching beneath her chin. "Did you happen to miss the two giants that Jared keeps in the back yard?"
Jeff sat next to Jensen on the couch, squeezing his lover's knee. "This is your dog. Not Jared's, not mine. Just yours."
"Jeff. . ."
"She's special. She's been genetically engineered to bond with one person. And she's smarter, much smarter, than the average dog."
"She's going to give Harley and Sadie a complex, is that what you're saying?"
For a moment Jeff felt tempted to press his lips to Jensen's, to get him to shut up so Jeff could finish explaining. "She can guide you. Fetch anything you want. Get help if you need it. And she's soft and cuddly."
Jensen hugged the puppy closer, stroking her fluffy ears. She nibbled at his hand, but not hard. "I'll have to train her."
"She's guaranteed to train herself."
"Do I even want to know how much this cost you?"
Now Jeff did give in, leaning over to kiss Jensen. "You're not allowed to ask that." Besides, what was retirement for if he couldn't splurge his pension just a little bit? "I've uploaded the instructions file and ownership docs to your comm code."
Jensen smiled at him. It transformed his face, made him look years younger. The harshness faded from his features, the crinkles in the corners of his eyes making him look absolutely adorable. "Thank you."
"Now, what are you going to name her? The instructions say that it's very important for the person to own the dog to give her a name and make sure she knows it."
Jensen held the puppy up, kissing the top of her head. "Mila," he said. "She'll be Mila."
Jeff grinned. "Perfect."
"There's just one thing."
"Oh?"
"You have to be the one to tell Jared."
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