For The Heart I Once Had (2/12)

[epeeblade]

When the knock came on his bedroom door, Jensen sat straight up in bed. He had dressed in his normal bedtime wear - t-shirt and loose drawstring pants - and had been stretching his legs out with slow careful movements. If Jeff was on the other side of the door. . . He ran his hand through his hair, grimacing that he couldn't tell if it were sticking up or not.

"Jen? Can I come in?" Jared.

Jensen let out a shaky laugh at his own vanity - as if he had any left! "Come in, bro."

He heard the door open and then shut. Jensen was never more grateful that Adrianne had convinced Jared not to replace all the old fashioned doors with automatic ones. This way Jensen could listen and hear when someone was moving about, same with the hard wood floors. Adrianne had apparently been the one to decorate, making sure this house didn't look as it did when they were children. Too bad Jensen couldn't appreciate it. Even without his eyes, the house just felt different.

It was meant to be a home for Jared and Adrianne and their future children. Jensen never expected to be back here when he put that clause in his military contract, leaving this house to Jared if something had ever happened to him. So it was just fine that the place didn't feel like it had when he was a kid. He could make a new start here.

"Sorry, were you about ready to sleep?" Jared sat on the edge of the bed, his bulk dipping it noticeably, even if Jensen hadn't put out all his senses on the slightest movement.

"No, I was just doing my stretches." Physical therapy didn't end at the clinic. Jensen had a whole home program to work his way through. Sometimes it even felt like it was helping.

"Do you need something for the pain? Muscle relaxant?"

Jensen rolled his eyes. "Remind me again why I thought sending you to medical school was a good idea?"

Damn it, it was good to be back with his brother. They had always been close, they had had to be after their parents and sister were killed. Even though Jensen raised Jared through his teenage years, they were more like friends than parent and child. But now, Jensen had to deal with Jared treating him like a kid.

"Jared." Jensen looked down and played with the fabric of his comforter. Even though he couldn't see Jared, it was easier to not even look in his direction for this. Jensen didn't even want to bring up the subject. "Why haven't I gotten any of the messages from the Corps?"

"Damn it, Jensen, they discharged you!" The weight from the bed lifted and Jensen imaging Jared was up and pacing the room, arms flailing as he ranted. "They have no right to bust in to your life now!"

"Don't I have the right to make that decision for myself?" Jensen asked.

"Stars, Jensen. Of course you do. You were just . . . still working on getting better. And then you started working with the ranch managers. You didn't need that shit when you were moving on, away from it."

If only he could move on. Jared didn't understand. He'd always thought of Jensen's time in the Sex Corps as temporary, as something Jensen did to pay back the debts of their past. However, Jensen had been career military, embracing his role working under cover, knowing he'd never receive public acknowledgment for what he'd done to keep the UP safe. The job had been important and Jensen had been damn good at it.

It wasn't just losing the military when he was discharged; Jensen had lost part of himself. He hadn't planned on such a spectacular end to his career. Dying on duty had seemed far more likely than his medical discharge. There should have been time to make plans, figure out what he was going to do. Now he was no longer a scut and Jensen had been cut off from everything he had been. He couldn't even talk about it. Jared would only be horrified and Jensen would spare his brother that.

He flexed his hands, feeling the familiar twinge in his palms as he cycled through his fingers, pinkie to thumb and back again. "I would have liked to have gotten the message, Jared."

"It's because of him, isn't it? Jeff Morgan? Who the hell is he, Jensen?" Jared still seemed to be pacing, his voice moving across the room. Jensen could have tried to follow it, but that would only make him dizzy.

That was the question that needed a decade to answer. "I was assigned to work with him, the mission before this last one."

"For Earth's sake, Jensen, don't tell me he was a guy you were forced to fuck?"

"Lower your voice!" Jensen snapped. For all they knew Jeff had his ear pressed to the door and the last thing Jensen wanted was for Jeff to have heard that little outburst. It sounded far too much like some of the insecurities Jeff had actually had about the mission to Harmony. "And sit down if you actually want to hear this. I don't want to have to keep guessing where you are."

"I'm sorry, Jen," Jared said in a low voice, sounding for a moment almost as if he were a kid again. Jensen had to smile at the thought, thinking fondly of Jared chasing after him on the ranch, always eager to see what his big brother was up to. Jared's weight settled on to the bed.

Jensen brought his knees up, curling his arms around his legs as he rested his chin on them. He could picture it all so clearly - his shuttle landing on the Mercury, confronting Commander Morgan, who'd known absolutely nothing about the Dom/sub society he found himself mixed up in. It had started as just another mission, yes, but Jensen had thought he had found something special. Jeff had taken to his role as Dom like he'd been born to it, and fuck if he hadn't been someone to be proud of - a Dom worth serving.

Of course, explaining this to Jared would take another ten years. In some ways his little brother could be horribly vanilla. "We were assigned to work together, yes, but it turned into something more. Neither of us expected it."

"He was the one you told me about," Jared said. "Before. . ."

Before Jensen had left for that last mission, the one that left him blinded and disfigured. "Yeah. I haven't seen him since." Jensen tried to add up how long it had been. He'd lost so much time. It was more than one year, but not quite two years, he knew that.

"And he came back for you," Jared said, so low Jensen almost didn't hear it. "You'd better get to bed. Good night, Jen."

"Sleep well, Jared." Jensen grinned. "And I won't tell Adrianne you've got the dogs up there in bed with you!"

Jared chuckled as he left, by this point not even asking how Jensen knew.

Jensen finished his last bit of stretching, before scooting over to the edge of the bed and feeling for the end table where he kept his meds. The box was carefully marked with little nubs that indicated what pills to be taken in the morning and at night. Jensen slid his fingers over the top and hesitated. He put it back on the table and slid out of bed.

He knew exactly how many steps it took to get to the hallway, even without his earpiece. Jensen listened, but he didn't hear any footfalls anywhere in the house. Adrianne wouldn't be back until tomorrow, so he didn't chance running into her on this little nighttime trip. Jeff was in the guestroom, which was conveniently right across from his own room.

Without knocking, Jensen pushed the door open, holding his breath. He should be able to tell if Jeff were sleeping just by listening. It seemed he wasn't that lucky.

"Jensen."

"Shh." Jensen pulled the door closed behind him. He stepped forward carefully, not knowing the layout of this room. Once again he should have brought his damn cane with him. His earpiece lay with his meds, useless to him now.

His knees touched the side of the bed and he knelt on it, his knees stronger than either his feet or his hands at the moment. Jensen leaned over on his elbows, feeling the stiff sheets under his skin. He had to push down thoughts of his captivity as he moved towards the warmth to find Jeff lying beneath the covers. They'd made him crawl for them, but Jensen chose to do this now. He'd take back everything they'd stolen from him.

"You sure about this, sweetheart?" Jeff murmured, his voice that low growl that went straight to Jensen's groin.

His hands found Jeff's face, stroking the stubble that was even thicker now. Jeff obviously didn't shave before bed. Jensen leaned down to brush his lips against Jeff's cheek, to feel the contrast against his skin. Jeff shifted so their lips met yet again, and this time Jensen took control of the kiss, biting down on Jeff's lower lip and thrilling at how the other man gasped beneath him.

"Just let me," Jensen breathed against him. "I need to be in control. Okay?"

He could feel Jeff smile beneath his lips. "Do your worst, boy."

Jensen shivered. He slid under the covers, following the line of Jeff's body, mouthing over his bare chest as he moved. The spicy taste of Jeff was familiar on his tongue, awakening memories from Harmony. His hand found the band of Jeff's undershorts and he pulled the elastic away, eager to get at the cock beneath.

Jeff wasn't completely hard yet, but he grew in Jensen's hand, becoming that hefty weight Jensen recognized. He lowered his head, inhaling Jeff's scent - here a little sweaty, but overlaid with musk. His tongue darted out and found the slit, where a tiny bit of precome had collected - just enough for Jensen to get a taste.

"Jensen," Jeff moaned. "Can I touch you?"

"No," Jensen said. He couldn't do this if Jeff put his hands on Jensen's hair or tried to guide him in any way. At just the thought Jensen had to push back the bad memories, force himself to remember this was Jeff. Jensen wanted to do this, give this.

"Oh fuck," Jeff gasped as Jensen swallowed him.

He'd been worried about this, how he'd react with the weight of Jeff's cock in his mouth. Jensen hummed as he sucked. He would go only as deep as he wished, no one would force him further. And somehow that made all the difference. Jensen could remember why he'd enjoyed this at one point.

Jeff was at his mercy, writhing beneath him while Jensen used his mouth and fingers to pleasure him. His cock scalded Jensen, the taste and scent filling his senses, so there was nothing else but Jeff inside him.

When Jeff finally came, Jensen pulled off. He didn't think he could swallow, afraid the taste of thick semen would send him back there, to the lounge his captors used to break the scuts, reducing them all to nothing but holes to be filled. Some days that would be the only meal Jensen would get and he hated how he'd had to swallow desperately for nourishment.

Jensen shuddered. No, this was Jeff. He wanted to please Jeff. Gulping in deep breaths of air Jensen had to remind himself that he was home and safe. His lungs felt too tight. If he could see, he'd know it was Jeff, that this wasn't a dream.

"Jensen?"

"Yeah. I should clean you up." Jensen pulled off his own shirt and moved to mop up the mess he'd left behind.

He felt Jeff's hand on his wrist and Jensen stiffened. This was Jeff, he reminded himself, feeling his lungs fill with air, finally. "Don't. Come here."

Jensen slithered back up Jeff's body, pressing his half-hard dick against Jeff's thigh. It was the closest he'd gotten to a full erection since coming home. He'd been disconnected from his body, like it belonged to someone else and Jensen was only inside temporarily. Regaining this much made him feel like he was finding himself again.

"Let me take care of you," Jeff said.

Jensen shook his head. "I'm fine."

"Then stay." Jeff patted the bed next to him, the sound audible, so he was hitting the mattress pretty hard.

Jensen smiled at the thought. "Just for a bit," he said. He stretched out next to Jeff, his eyes closing as his head hit the pillow, Jeff's warmth at his side, though they didn't touch.

***

Jeff hadn't known what to expect before he arrived here. There hadn't been any visuals on the news feeds; Jared had been damn good at keeping Jensen out of them after the rescue. He'd spent nights coming up with worse and worse scenarios, everything from amnesia to paralysis. He was glad Jensen wasn't broken, that he could see the man he loved beneath this damaged shell. Jeff shouldn't have been surprised when his door opened and Jensen crawled into his bed. Jensen had always been the one to take charge of his own sensuality, and that still seemed to be true.

He lifted one of Jensen's hands to his lips and kissed the center of it, right on one of those strange scars. What the hell had the Confed done to make marks that looked like that?

Jensen pulled his hand away, a flush rising in his cheeks. Jeff was glad he hadn't gotten around to turning the light off yet. He liked being able to look his fill, to see the new lines in Jensen's face, the way they only highlighted his beauty.

"You've lost weight," he said. He wanted to trace the line of Jensen's jaw with his finger, but Jensen had pulled his hand away. Jeff hadn't been given permission to touch and he ached at that lack. He wanted nothing more than to take Jensen in his arms and hold him close.

Jeff had wanted that for months now, from the moment he'd learned Jensen was still alive. He'd planned and schemed for the moment the Mercury returned to Earth, only to have his plans disrupted by Ferris's immediate summons. He was glad she'd contacted him, no matter how much Jeff had wanted to charge in and rescue Jensen. It turned out that wasn't what Jensen needed.

Jensen shrugged. "I'm still getting used to real food again."

Jeff shuddered and he just knew that Jensen felt that from the shuttered expression that stole over his eyes. Even though he couldn't see out of them, Jensen still showed every emotion in that green gaze. "I saw the media feed. What they did to you. . ."

"That wasn't even the worst of it," Jensen's voice cracked. "Watching a friend die. . ."

"That was before they did this." Jeff gave into temptation and brushed his fingers against Jensen's temple, noting that there was a scar here too, but faint and mostly covered by hair.

"I wasn't the first," Jensen whispered, as if by speaking low he could change the horror of his words. "They had over twenty scuts. For years they'd been tracking us, taking us whenever they could. Master Isaacs experimented on all of us, trying different things to turn us into the perfect slave. He said I saw too much."

Jeff stroked Jensen's hair back, hoping the motion soothed. Jensen didn't move away, so he had to guess it was okay. "Oh, Jensen."

"You gotta understand, Jeff. They broke me. I'm not sure I can ever let myself get fucked again."

"You're not broken," Jeff corrected. "A broken man wouldn't have taken charge of his own damn rescue."

"How'd you know about that? Did you read the reports?"

Jeff almost sat up. Could it be Jensen didn't know? He'd seen Jared giving press conferences, but Jensen had never spoken in public. Jeff had guessed it was to preserve his privacy, to hide the extent of his injuries. But if Jensen didn't know. . .

"Jensen, you're something of a celebrity. You killed the Emperor of the damn Confed. That's nothing to fuck around with!"

Jensen drew away, his eyes wide. "I knew he was important, I just didn't know how important."

"Jensen. . ." Jeff didn't know what to say. He hadn't been expecting to break this news.

With trembling hands, Jensen covered his face. "It worked out almost perfectly, didn't it? I did exactly what they wanted, only lost myself in the process."

"No, sweetheart, no." Jeff slid his hands around Jensen's wrists, pulling at them gently to get Jensen to stop hiding.

Killing was easy from the bridge of a starship, or even behind a laser rifle. Jeff had never used his bare hands to kill an enemy and could only imagine how personal that made it for Jensen. "You did it to save yourself," Jeff said. "Not for them."

Jensen shook his head. "Fuck, Jeff. I don't want to talk about it!"

"Shh. Come on, let me shut the light. You can sleep here, right? I've got you, right here." Jeff kept murmuring to Jensen, coaxing him back onto the bed like, well, like a skittish horse. The past was past. He'd be the one to make sure to keep Jensen safe now.

***

The screaming woke Jeff out of a deep sleep. It took a moment to remember exactly where he was and why he wasn't asleep on regulation sheets in his quarters on the Mercury. He slapped his palm on the wall lamp, lighting up the guest bedroom. His heart raced as he looked around for the source.

Jensen sat on the floor, curled up into a ball pressed up against the wall. He rocked back and forth, his hands twisted into claws as he shouted. "No! Stop touching me! Stop!"

"Jensen!" Jeff stumbled out of the bed, pulling up his shorts as he hit the carpet. "You're safe, Jensen, come on."

"Get away from him!"

Jeff looked up as Jared barreled into the room. "I didn't. . . " He didn't hurt Jensen. At least, he didn't think so. Stars, he wouldn't forgive himself if he'd caused this.

Jared ignored him. "Jen?" he said as he pressed a hand against Jensen's neck. "It's Jared, can you hear me?"

Jensen's screams had turned to mumbles and he still continued to shiver and rock. He didn't appear to hear Jared at all, staring out into the distance at something only he could see. "Please, don't, don't," he murmured.

Jared had pulled a hypoderm out of the silver kit he'd brought into the room with him. That's right, the kid was a doctor. He injected it into Jensen's left arm. "Come on, Jensen." He cupped Jensen's face with one large hand and tilted it in his direction. "Jensen!"

Jeff knelt next to the brothers. He took one of Jensen's twisted hands between his and massaged the palm gently. "Jensen? It's Jeff."

"Jared?" Jensen said, blinking and looking around, as if he were trying to see. "Jeff?"

"Right here," Jeff told him.

Jared pulled a scanner out of his kit and ran it over Jensen's head and chest. "Did you take your meds tonight?"

Jensen bit his lip, letting his head drop against the wall. "No."

Jeff took the other hand and began to massage the kinks out of that one as well. Jensen's fingers slowly relaxed at his touch, although they still felt stiff. Did this happen often?

"Why not?" Jared snapped the scanner closed.

"They make me sleepy." Jensen's eyes fluttered closed. Whatever Jared had given him must have the same effect. "And I wanted to . . . " He gestured in Jeff's direction.

Jeff felt something stick in his throat. "What happens if you don't take the meds?"

"Nightmares," Jensen answered, but nothing else seemed to be forthcoming. He began to slump, his head falling towards his chest. Damn, that drug worked fast.

"And panic attacks," Jared murmured. He untangled Jensen's hands from Jeff's, before standing and lifting Jensen into his arms, as if he weighed absolutely nothing. Jeff raised his eyebrows, impressed despite himself. Even with the weight-loss, he knew firsthand that carrying Jensen wasn't exactly easy.

"Need any help?" Jeff asked. He should be the one doing that, holding Jensen in his arms and protecting him from the nightmares.

Jared didn't answer at first. "You can open the door to his room for me," he said.

As they stepped into the hallway Jeff could hear the dogs whining and scratching against a door. Jared must have shut them away somewhere when he heard Jensen's screams. He didn't even flinch at the sound, being so focused on his brother. Jeff opened the door and then followed Jared into Jensen's room, as he laid Jensen down on his bed.

Jensen's room reminded him of a typical room on a starship. It lacked anything other than a bed, an end table, and a dresser across from the bed. Jeff didn't even see a comm unit, which might have gone some way to explaining Jensen's lack of knowledge about recent events.

Well, what the hell did Jeff expect? It wasn't like Jensen could put up pictures, now could he? And the sheer lack of stuff made it easy for Jensen to navigate the room without the use of his eyes. Something didn't quite feel right here, though. Jeff remembered the duffle bag full of sex toys that Jensen had brought onboard the Mercury. He called it part of his kit, had blushed at the glass dildo Jeff had accidentally unearthed. Where were his most precious possessions now?

"I've got it from here," Jared said.

Jeff didn't appreciate the dismissal, not when he'd had Jensen curled around his body a few short hours ago. But he didn't need to fight right now. Jeff would save that for tomorrow.

***

Jared poked at the eggs with his spatula, watching as they sizzled over the pan. He sprinkled chunks of ham into the mix, waiting until it all solidified just a little before adding the shredded cheese. It was easier to focus on breakfast than on everything that had gone on the night before. So he popped four pieces of bread into the toaster and puttered around the kitchen, pulling the butter from the fridge and double-checking that the coffee maker was brewing. Jensen would be in even more need of the caffeine than usual this morning.

"Smells good."

Jeff's voice startled Jared and he nearly dropped the pile of plates he grabbed from the cabinet. "Thanks. Want a plate? I scramble a mean egg."

"Sure."

Jared didn't know what to make of Jeff Morgan. He'd known soldiers all his life, since he and Jensen had moved to the Atlantic base when he was fifteen. They were a varied bunch - he'd known assholes who liked to throw their weight around and he'd known people who were so kind you never guessed they killed for a living. Of course Jensen's Sex Corps friends were a completely different breed, never quit fitting in with the Space or Ground Corps. They focused on an entirely different set of skills, so they sometimes seemed too friendly and often made Jared feel like they could see right through him.

When Jeff knocked on their door Jared anticipated another asshole attempting to force him to produce Jensen. Jeff had that look, like he wouldn't take crap. But from the moment he opened his mouth, Jeff had defied all of Jared's expectations.

What the heck was it about this guy that made Jensen fall for him? In all the time Jared had known Jensen, he'd never actually dated anyone. He'd known Jensen was sleeping with his Sex Corps friends. The four of them had a sort of casual intimacy between them, but Jared would never have called that a romantic relationship.

"Anything I can do to help?" Jeff asked, leaning against the back of a chair.

"Just eat." Jared dished up a plate of eggs and dropped it on the table.

Jeff slid into the chair, picking up the fork Jared had placed on the napkin. Everything had to be positioned just so. Routine kept Jensen on task. Jared would never risk putting something out of place and possibly harming his brother. Unfortunately he wished he could convince Jensen to adhere to the same standards. Maybe he'd insist on giving Jensen his meds tonight.

"Listen." Jeff cleared his throat, still not eating his eggs. "I'm sorry about last night. I had no idea. . . Does Jensen have the panic attacks often?"

Jared gripped the spatula tightly, his knuckles whitening. If he wasn't careful, he'd snap the damn thing. "Why do you want to know? Trying to assess if he's fit to come back for duty?"

"You're one prickly SOB, you know that? I just asked because I care, not because I have some goddamned ulterior motive!" Jeff gestured with his fork.

"Look, Commander. . ."

"Jeff, just Jeff."

Jared nodded, dishing up another plate of eggs. "Jeff. I don't know you. I don't know a damn thing about you. But you're the first person my brother's . . . opened up to." That was one way to put it. After everything Jensen had been through, Jared didn't think his brother would ever willingly sleep with anyone again. He didn't know how far things had gotten. For all he knew they'd just cuddled all night long. Jared snorted. He couldn't help being amused at that notion. "For that, I'll put up with you staying here."

"But not much more, huh?" Jeff gave him a little grin. For a moment they understood each other perfectly.

Then Jensen stepped into the doorway, holding the cane he'd foregone all day yesterday and with heavy bruises under his eyes. "I smell coffee," he said.

"Yeah, got a pot ready. Eggs are on the table, in your normal spot." Jared set to work dishing himself up a plate, watching Jeff watch Jensen as his brother shuffled to the counter. It took Jensen a few tries to find the cabinet handle, but once he did that, he found his mug with little trouble.

The look on Jeff's face wasn't one of pity. Jared couldn't figure it out. It was like Jared and the kitchen disappeared and the only thing Jeff could see was Jensen carefully pouring himself a cup of coffee.

"Morning, Jen," Jeff rumbled. He'd waited until Jensen had finished pouring the coffee, but before Jensen had picked up the mug.

Jensen jerked just a tiny bit. He hadn't known Jeff was sitting there in the kitchen. Damn it, Jared should have mentioned that first thing. It was Jared's responsibility to take care of Jensen's environment, and letting him know about a former lover sitting right across from him certainly fit that bill.

"Good morning, Jeff." Jensen carried his cup over to the table, finding his seat and eggs without any problem.

Jared missed the way Jensen used to move - with assurance and confidence. The old Jensen could own a room simply by walking into it, everyone drawn to his charisma. Now he commanded a room for an entirely different reason.

Jared dropped into his own seat and dug into his own eggs. "Did you take your morning meds?"

"Yes, Doctor," Jensen snapped. "I hope that was okay with whatever you stuck me with last night."

Now that was uncalled for. "It was just a sedative. I didn't drug you, Jensen!"

Jensen didn't respond, too busy focusing on putting his fork in his mouth. Jared could see the slight tremble in Jensen's hands. He wondered just how bad his brother was hurting.

"So, ah," Jeff cut in. "What are your plans for the day?"

Like that wasn't awkward. It did remind Jared of something important, however. "Oh, Jensen, don't forget your PT appointment today." He looked over at the clock on the wall, seeing how much time they had before they had to leave. They'd all slept later than Jared liked.

"Isn't Adrianne flying back in today?" Jensen said, ignoring Jared's comment completely.

"Well, yeah." Adrianne flew back in all the time. That was one of the problems with her job, she had to travel so much. "But what does that. . . ?"

"Jeff, would you mind taking me to my appointment?" Jensen looked over to his right, though he was slightly off as to exactly where Jeff sat.

"Jensen," Jared cut in. "Jeff doesn't even know where the office is."

"I do have automapping on the rental," Jeff said. "Car will just about drive itself anywhere."

Jared couldn't win when both of them ganged up on him. He threw his hands up in the air. "Fine. You have an hour before you need to leave. Have fun." His jaw clenched as he fought down any harsher words, his blood thrumming in his veins.

Jared didn't even put his plate in the sink before he stalked out of the kitchen.

***

Jeff started the rental, running his hands over the controls. He'd programmed the address into the system already. All he needed was Jensen.

He slammed his head against the back of the seat. Damn it. Jeff was so far out of his element here. Every time he closed his eyes he relived the scene of Jensen screaming and shaking, fighting off attackers only he could see. He hit the steering wheel. How dare they hurt his Jensen!

His brilliant, beautiful, confident Jensen. Was that Jensen gone forever? And even if he was, did that change how Jeff felt? He wanted Jensen, no matter how damaged.

The door creaked open. Jensen slid carefully into the passenger seat, still carrying the slim white cane from breakfast. Jeff wondered why he hadn't used it yesterday. Hell, yesterday Jensen had seemed more like himself, more full of life and eager to challenge Jeff. Today, despite his biting at Jared, Jensen seemed quiet, subdued. He moved slower, as if he body ached. That damned panic attack - would that happen every time they attempted to be intimate? Could Jeff live with that?

"Ready to get going?" Jeff moved his hands over the controls to keep from reaching out and grabbing Jensen. That urge to touch and comfort hadn't gone anywhere since last night. Jeff just knew it would do more harm than good, and damn, but that hurt.

Jensen folded his arms over his chest. He looked uncomfortable and shifted in the seat. "Yeah."

They didn't speak for several miles. Jeff concentrated on matching the map overlay on the windshield, so it didn't bother him at first. When it started to get uncomfortable, Jeff didn't know how to break the ice. They had to talk about last night, didn't they?

"So," Jensen finally said, as if he had suddenly woken up. "What are you going to do with yourself, now that you've retired?"

Jeff pursed his lips, giving the question serious consideration. He couldn't say he'd hoped to do whatever Jensen wanted, because even Jeff wasn't so dense he didn't realize that Jensen was far from ready to hear anything like that yet. "Don't know," he said instead. "I thought about taking some art classes. Always wanted to try painting."

Jensen snorted. Jeff kicked himself. Of course he'd choose the one hobby Jensen couldn't appreciate. It seemed no matter what he said or did Jeff just kept making one misstep after another. How had it been so easy in Harmony, when they had to work together to figure out an alien culture to survive? When had the aliens become easier to understand than humanity?

"I can't imagine you as a painter." Jensen rubbed at one palm, flexing his fingers as if they pained him.

Jeff frowned, remembering the twisted knots Jensen had clawed his fingers into last night. He forced down the lump in his throat. "Really? Why's that?"

"Can't imagine you sitting still that long." Jensen laughed.

If Jeff had to be the butt of the joke to make Jensen laugh, he'd take it. Anything to erase the darkness from last night. "So what would you suggest? If not painting, then what?"

He looked over in time to see Jensen frown and furrow his brow, as if he were thinking especially hard. "I don't know. Something that puts you in charge of people, I guess."

Like the military, or like on Harmony where Jeff had been Jensen's Dom? He didn't ask. It was too soon to bring back those memories, Jeff now knew. "I wanted to be a pilot. That's why I joined up."

"Really?" Jensen sounded surprised. "I think you were meant for command."

Jeff could feel his cheeks burning. Those words shouldn't have sounded so erotic. Jensen certainly couldn't mean the way Jeff thought of it, in command of his sub. They'd made a good team, and Jeff had to admit he'd felt like a part of himself was missing ever since Jensen had left his side.

"Well, I have plenty of time to decide." Jeff waited a moment, tapping his knee incessantly before he finally spit it out. "Jensen, we should talk about last night."

He could tell it was a mistake immediately. Jensen hugged his arms tighter around himself and turned his face away from Jeff. "I told you I was broken."

"Jen, you're not broken." Jensen wasn't a thing that could be torn apart into pieces. He was a person, tortured and damaged beyond belief, but not broken.

Jensen let out another laugh, with none of the mirth he'd shown earlier. "You can tell that by one night? I have about five different doctors that would disagree with you."

"You've gotten better, haven't you?" Jeff said, though he was only guessing. Jensen had come to his bed, offered himself. Even if it had triggered the nightmare of a panic attack, Jensen had tried. "You will keep getting better."

"You don't know what the hell you're talking about," Jensen muttered, ending the discussion.

The automapping system guided them smoothly into the parking lot of the health center. It looked busy, plenty of hover cars flying in and out. As Jeff made to open his door he realized Jensen wasn't moving. Did he need help or was he still angry? "We're here."

"You can wait outside if you want."

"I can at least walk you to the door!" He couldn't leave Jensen to wind his way through the cars, up the stairs and into whatever hid behind the building's doors.

"Fine, maybe you'll get the hint this time!"

Jeff didn't respond. Fine, let Jensen keep pretending Jeff would leave as soon as he saw how broken he was. Jensen just didn't realize how much that insulted Jeff. Did he think he only stayed this morning for breakfast?

Inside the center, Jeff noticed the patients were, for the most part, much older than Jensen. They'd walked through a hallway that had branched off to other offices, but Jensen had led them unerringly to the correct door. Jeff wondered just how descriptive that ear cam was. He stumbled after Jensen into a small waiting area, with chairs taken up by people flipping through holomags.

"Hello, Jensen. Come on in, Julie is waiting for you." The receptionist led Jensen through into the gym-like area that lay beyond.

Jeff sat in a free seat and wished he'd brought a holomag or a book.

***

Jensen had come to know Julie Gonzalo pretty well in the six months he'd been back on Earth. She had a bubbly, perky voice and Jensen always pictured her as a flirty blond. Of course he had always been too shy to actually ask her what she looked like, especially when she knew his body so intimately.

Jared had been the one to set this all up. After he'd snatched Jensen out of the Corps hospital there had been one doctor after another. His brother had been there through every surgery, every therapist appointment, trying to find the best treatment. Jensen was grateful for it, for all of it.

He couldn't understand why he was chafing at Jared's hovering now.

"Anything bothering you lately, Jensen?" Julie asked.

Jensen flexed his fingers and let his shoulders slump forward. "I had panic attack last night and my hands seized up."

"May I examine them?"

He nodded and let her take his hands in hers. Julie always asked before she touched him. She knew his history and respected that he couldn't see. "How do they feel this morning?"

"Stiff. Sore. Like they were three weeks ago." He was frustrated. It had seemed like he finally turned the corner, that his hands were getting better instead of plateauing. When he needed his hands for so much of his input about the world, having them out of commission was worse than terrible.

"You know this can happen, Jensen. That's why we assign you the exercises." She gently placed his hands back on his lap. "I'd hoped we'd do some work on your feet today. But I want to get those hands in the OT machine while you do that."

Great, another hour of him picking up marbles with his toes and putting them in a container. It was hard enough with the lack of sensation in his feet, never mind that he couldn't actually see either marbles or the container.

Every day he had to fight to not sink into the darkness of what had been done to his body. Jensen had done everything he could to walk again, to find his way despite being blind, even riding again despite his damaged feet and hands. But the one thing he hadn't worked on was probably the one thing Jeff wanted most from him.

Jensen knew Julie didn't provide that kind of help. But he might know someone who did. First he needed to address his lack of a personal comm unit and that was something Jeff could help with.

Chapter 1 | Chapter 2 | Chapter 3 | Chapter 4 | Chapter 5 | Chapter 6 | Chapter 7 | Chapter 8 | Chapter 9 | Chapter 10 | Chapter 11 | Chapter 12 | Master Post