For The Heart I Once Had (6/12)
Jared carefully counted out the right number of pills and placed them in the designated container. When he had offered to help Jensen pack for his trip, this seemed the best use of his labor. Jensen rolled clothing on the bed, his fingers tracing the lines of the fabric before he folded and stuffed each piece into a large duffel bag.
It reminded him a bit too much of the old days, Jensen packing up before he left for his next mission. This time there would be nothing more dangerous than Jeff and whatever wildlife still ranged the Minnesota wilderness. And Jensen wouldn't be very far at all, within a few hours drive, not half a galaxy away. Jared wondered if he was still trying to convince himself that it was okay that Jensen was leaving.
"You know," he said. "You might want to ask Dr. Robinson about weaning you off some of these."
Jensen stopped in mid roll of a pair of jeans. "Dr. Robinson."
"She is your primary medical doctor, right?" Jared hoped Jensen got the message. He wasn't going to act as Jensen's doctor, not when he should have been far more focused on just being his brother.
Jared watched as Mila sniffed around the floor before bounding into the open closet. He grinned thinking she probably hadn't had the chance to explore inside there yet, since Jensen usually kept it closed.
"Probably a good idea. The new patches have really helped my hands. I haven't even needed the muscle relaxants."
The drug patches had been Dr. Robinson's idea. Jared had to stop himself from wanting to go look up the mix she'd used. He had to stay out of it, let Jensen deal with his own medical issues.
Jared had a sinking feeling Jensen was going on this trip in order to give him and Adrianne some private time. He snapped the pill cases closed, feeling his cheeks burning at the thought of even more private time. Last night at the hotel had been something special. Adrianne had worn a white nightgown that had left nothing to the imagination. She'd let her hair down and her curls had spilled all around him when she'd straddled his waist.
"That's good." He cleared his throat as he spoke. "Keep with the patches and you won't have to take so many pills."
"I'll probably have to keep seeing Dr. McGraw though." Jensen stuffed something else into the duffel bag. Seeing the psychologist was another sore spot. Jensen had resisted at first, until the nightmares and flashbacks had gotten unbearable.
"For as long as you need to," Jared told him. Hopefully there'd be a day where Jensen wouldn't have to have regular meetings with the man. "You'll have a few weeks free of doctors anyway."
Mila emerged from the closet with something long and purple caught between her teeth. She leapt onto the bed and dropped it within Jensen's grasp before letting out a sharp bark. Jensen reached for the object and laughed as his hands closed around it.
Jared felt the flush return to his face as he realized exactly what the dog had liberated from Jensen's closet - a fat rubber dildo. "Jensen, I think you need to invest in some dog toys."
Jensen kept chuckling. "She was only doing what she was told, grabbing anything in the closet I might need."
"Jen." Jared shook his head. He swallowed hard and knew the time had come for this particularly awkward discussion. "I'm glad, you know, that Jeff, he's got you thinking, about that stuff again."
Jensen dropped down on the bed and buried his head in his hands. "Oh no. We are not having this conversation."
"This from the guy who offered to loan me one of his Sex Corps friends to take care of my virginity. . ."
"I was just kidding. Mostly. Not so sure Sophia wouldn't have taken you up on it." Jensen emerged from his cocoon and nuzzled Mila who'd come over to see what was the matter.
Jared grinned as the dog licked at Jensen's chin. She knew her person. "I just, I know you haven't had time for yourself." No time to devote to a relationship, when Jensen was bartering his body for the UP. How could you have a significant other who'd be fine with that? "And I'm glad, I really am, that you've found someone."
Jensen didn't move from where he cuddled his dog. "Jared, you don't know how happy I am to hear you say that."
"I can't pretend to understand it." Jared didn't know how you could go from fucking someone for a job to falling in love, but he supposed stranger things had happened. "But I want you to be happy, bro."
"Like you?"
Jared thought of Adrianne's smile, of how he couldn't wait to go back into the circle of her arms. "Yeah."
***
Jensen second guessed himself from the moment they left the ranch. He was glad he had Mila to cuddle with while Jeff drove the hover car. Hesitantly, because he should have asked before he packed up all his clothes and half of his sex toys, Jensen asked, "Are we taking a shuttle?"
"Is there a problem with me driving?" Jeff sounded honestly curious.
"I thought you might have to return the rental. Nobody really drives long distance." Jensen shrugged, but buried his face against Mila's soft fur. She really made it convenient to escape, to surround himself in nothing but her doggy scent and her warmth.
The last thing he wanted was to rub elbows with strangers on a public shuttle. Strangers who could see Jensen and know who he was, and he couldn't even look them in the eye. It had only happened to him once, and that had been more than enough to make him paranoid. Damn the stupid media anyway. Jensen never asked for his name to be spread across the net like he was some sort of hero. He'd only killed to escape, to get out of the hell his life had become, even if it meant his own death. Jensen had never expected to survive.
"Well, there's no shuttle where we're going. Deep woods. Lots of privacy. We'll have to make one stop for groceries, but that's it."
"Thank you," Jensen said, because Jeff understood without him even having to say anything. He kept on protecting Jensen.
Jeff touched his thigh in response, grounding Jensen immediately. "I remember what it was like, after Alfani. They kept calling me a hero and all I could think of were the people I hadn't saved. I just wanted to hide."
Jensen had been hiding for months. It just might be time to stop. He covered Jeff's hand with his own.
The trip to get supplies went off without a hitch. Jensen stayed next to the hover car, only getting out to stretch his legs and let Mila run around. As soon as he'd left the car Jensen knew he was someplace else. The air was different, it tasted different - greener and more rich, lacking the dusty heat of Texas. And this was just a few states north, not even a different planet!
"Hey, Jensen. I got some help with loading up the car." Jeff's voice warned him about the visitors approaching.
Jensen wiped his palms on his shirt and stepped out of the way. He could feel Mila pressing up against his leg, letting him know she was there.
"Good looking pup you got there," a gruff voice said.
It took Jensen a moment to realize it was talking about Mila. He'd frozen, hands curled into claws, terrified that the stranger was talking about Jensen himself. Jensen didn't want to be anyone's dog ever again.
He cleared his throat. "Thanks. She was a gift." Jensen tried to look in the direction the voice had come.
"You two renting out the Anderson place?"
"Borrowing it. Rick's an old friend of mine," Jeff answered. Jensen was glad to fade into the background of this conversation. He listened as they loaded up the car, the sound of boxes and bags mingling as they hit the trunk. For once he was sorry he'd left the ear cam off - Jensen had gotten tired of listening to the chipper voice describing the scenery. He'd rather hear Jeff's deep tones instead.
"You must be Corps, then."
Jensen stiffened again. But the guy hadn't recognized either of them. He hadn't deduced they were military until Jeff mentioned his friend. Maybe Jeff had taken them to the one place where Jensen wouldn't be known or at least, where they wouldn't bring it up to his face.
"Retired," Jeff told him. "Thanks for the help."
"Enjoy your trip. Best time of the year for it."
"Thank you," Jensen said politely before making his escape back into the car. Mila hopped in after him and settled herself on his lap. He wondered how much bigger she was going to get and if he'd have a problem with spoiling her like this. Jared's behemoths always forgot their own size and attempted to hop onto laps. That was one of the reasons Jared ended up keeping them both outside.
"Friendly people, huh?" Jeff said, closing the door behind him. "Luckily the nearest neighbor is a twenty minute walk away."
Jensen laughed. "I take it you don't intend to do much socializing out here?"
"I don't think fish tend to socialize much," Jeff said. "At least they don't when they have hooks in their mouths."
At this point Jensen didn't care what inane thing came out of Jeff's mouth. He could listen to that rumbling voice forever.
"We're here," Jeff said, pulling the car to a stop.
Jensen slipped his earpiece back in. He wanted to help Jeff bring the luggage in and he'd need time to get used to the new surroundings. "Mark location," he said into the device. "Make detailed map." Now the cam would track Jensen's movements and note the locations and steps needed to reach each place. It was going to take Jensen some time to get comfortable here.
"It's a nice place," Jeff said, almost conversationally. Jensen could hear the back of the hovercar open and Jeff grunt as he must have removed something from the trunk. "One story, dark wood exterior. There's a slight step to the front porch - it kind of doubles as a deck. Even though the grill and the lake are out back."
Jensen put one hand on the side of the car to help himself keep track of where he was. "Can I carry my own bag?"
"Sure, sweetheart," Jeff said. He handed Jensen the strap to his duffel, making sure Jensen had a good hold of it before letting go.
Jeff might protect him, but at least he didn't coddle him. Jensen appreciated that. "Lead on," he told Jeff, putting his free hand on Jeff's shoulder.
The ground beneath his feet was hard, though Jensen kicked up against some grass and other plant-like substances. Jeff paused before taking the step up, giving Jensen time to make the adjustment. Once again they were working neatly as a team, neither one having to say anything. They just knew.
"It's pretty old fashioned," Jeff said, leading Jensen inside, Mila following behind. She'd do her own exploring, the better to help out Jensen later. "The living room and kitchen is just one big room. They built an addition a few generations back - two bedrooms with their own bathrooms."
"You mean we won't have to be peeing in a hole out back? Good thing, cause I have to tell you, my aim sucks."
There was a little pause before Jeff started to laugh - a deep booming laugh that had Jensen flushing with what it did to him. Even Jeff's laugh made him think of sex, of how easy and free it had been with him. Jensen had had few partners where laughter came so easily.
Jeff steered Jensen into one of the bedrooms and said in a low voice. "I was hoping we could share this room."
Jensen let go of Jeff's shoulder and carefully circled the perimeter of the room, his fingers touching the walls, brushing across the furniture until he finally got to the bed, which he skirted just as carefully. After Jensen thought he had a decent picture of the room in his head, he sat down on the right side of the bed.
"A few ground rules if we do this," he said, letting the duffel bag drop next to him. He felt the bed dip as Mila jumped next to him. "You can't leave any of your stuff on the floor. It all has to be hung up in the closet or tucked away somewhere, as if we were back in the barracks. This," he reached out and touched the end table on his side of the bed. "Will be where I put my stuff. You can't touch it or move anything out of place. Same thing goes for the bathroom. Wherever I put things, they have to stay there."
"Anything else?" Jeff sounded amused.
"Yeah," Jensen grinned. "Mila gets to sleep in the bed with us."
"I really don't see a problem with that."
***
Jeff was glad Jensen had stopped using his blindness as a reason to push Jeff away. He was willing to do whatever he needed to make things easier for Jensen. It was part of his resolve to be the other man's Dom, to give Jensen what he needed, even when Jensen didn't know himself.
They had a quiet dinner that Jeff grilled outside while Jensen got better acquainted with the house. Jeff gave Jensen that time to himself, but he realized he needed this moment alone as well. The meat sizzled and sparked on the grill and Jeff watched the sky go from blue to blush pink. Smoke hovered in the air, changing the wild scent of the woods into something else. They were surrounded by trees and Jeff could pretend they were protected by them, that nothing could penetrate this forest.
"Let me clean up," he had told Jensen. "I'll meet you in the bedroom."
Jensen swallowed and nodded.
This was the first time they'd be together without having to worry about Jared or Adrianne hearing them. Jeff had high hopes for tonight, though he knew damn well he needed to be careful. They'd made progress, but Jensen was still skittish. Jeff had to be sure not to push him farther than Jensen could take.
He wiped down the last dish slowly, going over his options. Every moment he lingered was only making it worse for Jensen. A certain amount of anticipation was necessary. Jeff smiled, remembering that it was Jensen who had taught him that, back on the Mercury almost two years ago now. He put the dish away and moved towards the bedroom.
Jensen sat up on the bed when the door opened. He was wearing only the loose drawstring pants he usually slept in. His hair was tousled and he looked like he had been sleeping before Jeff had stepped in.
"Did I leave the lights on? Sometimes I forget." Jensen rubbed at his eyes and it was just adorable.
Jeff sat on the bed and cupped Jensen's cheek in one hand, relishing the slight feel of stubble against his palm. "You did, beautiful." He drew Jensen forward for a kiss, tasting those sweet lips. Jeff suckled on Jensen's lower lip, loving the way Jensen moaned at the action.
He let his hand trace down Jensen's neck, following the line of Jensen's body down his chest. Jeff watched Jensen shiver at his touch, the flush rising over his pale skin. Something thrilled inside of him at the trust Jensen gave him. It was only the two of them; Jeff could do whatever he wanted.
What he wanted most was to make Jensen feel good, to help him overcome his demons.
Jeff caught the waistband of Jensen's pants and undid the drawstring, sliding the fabric over Jensen's ass. It caught for a moment on Jensen's hardening cock and Jensen let out a little whimper. Jeff felt himself pulse at the sight and had to press his palm against his own hard-on.
Jensen had gained weight since Jeff had been at the ranch, no longer the too thin waif he'd been two months ago. Riding had given his muscles definition and he reminded Jeff of the powerful horses Jensen so loved. The scars, thin ridges down his back, were just something else for Jeff to love.
He started at the back of Jensen's neck, sucking the skin there while his hands traced patterns along Jensen's torso. This was his, his to possess, his to pleasure. Jensen tasted like the night, something wild and free. Jeff couldn't keep from laving his tongue over Jensen's body. He moved down his back, taking his time over each and every scar.
"Jeff," Jensen murmured.
Jeff pulled away long enough to strip out of his clothing. "Hands on the headboard," he said, keeping his voice low and gentle. "On your knees. Safeword is stop, okay?"
Jensen nodded, his face almost scarlet. His cock bobbed hard and heavy between his legs as he moved into position. Jeff's mouth watered. He hadn't fulfilled that need to taste every inch of Jensen.
He palmed the cheeks of Jensen's ass, pulling them apart and relishing how they felt in his hands. Jeff couldn't help but dive in and taste, pressing his tongue against Jensen's hole. Jensen shuddered under the assault, but he didn't call his safeword.
Jeff didn't know if this was off-limits. He hadn't fucked Jensen and Jensen hadn't asked for it. They'd take this slow and he'd make Jensen remember why he'd liked this in the first place.
He surrounded himself with Jensen, tasting the very center of him. There was nothing more intimate than this. Jeff licked and suckled until Jensen was wet and slick before sliding one finger inside.
Jensen cried out and tried to pull away. Jeff put one hand on Jensen's back. "Jen?"
"I'm, ok," Jensen panted, though he didn't sound very sure.
Jeff rubbed gentle circles on his back. "It's okay if you want me to stop."
Jensen shook his head back and forth. "It's just so much."
"I want to make you come like this." Jeff searched, pushing his finger in deeper until he heard Jensen gasp. There it was. He tapped at the spot again. "That okay?"
"Stars," Jensen whispered. He gripped the headboard even tighter, his knuckles turning white. Jeff frowned, worrying about Jensen's hands.
"Knees and elbows," he ordered, hoping that would take the pressure off of Jensen's fingers. The last thing he wanted to do was hurt him any more.
Jensen moaned as he slid back, the change in position shoving his ass even higher in the air. Jeff never lost his grip, moving with Jensen and keeping up the pressure from the inside.
Once upon a time Jensen would have been able to come from this. Jeff could suck at his hole and prod at his prostate until he had the other man writhing to completion on Jeff's hand. Right now he didn't think Jensen could take that. Jeff couldn't let him fall apart, not without knowing Jeff was there to catch him.
So he cupped Jensen's cock with one hand, ignoring his own which throbbed and ached. Jeff worked a second finger in, though it was tight and hot. He imagined himself sliding in there, pushing into Jensen with his cock. Jeff stroked Jensen, his shaft hard and slick.
"C'mon, boy," Jeff muttered. "Need you to come for me."
Jensen let out a whimper, as if he were trying to suppress a moan behind closed lips. His body stilled, caught as it was between Jeff's hands and he came in great pulses over Jeff's fingers and the covers of the bed.
Jeff pulled his fingers out and wrapped his arms around Jensen's waist, holding him close. "Can I come on you?" he murmured, unable to keep from humping against Jensen's pert ass and one tightly muscled thigh.
"Yeah," Jensen murmured. "Do it."
It didn't take much more than another push or two. Jeff was so geared up, so caught up in the image of him finally fucking Jensen, picturing Jensen riding him like one of the horses. He came, pulses of white splattering against Jensen's skin, marking him.
Jensen felt warm beneath him. Jeff kissed his nape. "You all right?"
"Yeah," Jensen laughed. "Don't want to sleep on the wet spot."
Jeff moved off Jensen, with one last caress. He couldn't stop touching, now that he'd been given permission. "I'll take care of it. Trust me."
"I do, Jeff, I do."
***
Jensen hadn't quite expected to get a honeymoon of his own when he decided to come out here with Jeff. But it rapidly turned into that. They were cut off from the world, the galaxy. Any of the problems plaguing the UP were out there, unable to touch their little cocoon in the woods.
Their days were spent together: playing with Mila and working on her training, hiking through the trails with Jensen connected to Jeff via a climber's rope, swimming in the lake when they weren't fishing, although Jeff had yet to catch a single fish. When they were too tired to venture out, they'd camp out on the couch in the living room, soft music playing from the comm speakers as they talked in low voices. Sometimes Jensen would talk about what happened in the Confed, or Jeff would talk about missions he'd been on. Most of the time they spoke of nothing at all.
Then came the nights. Jeff still hadn't fucked him yet, and Jensen was grateful. He didn't know if he was ready. But with each earth-shattering climax Jensen knew he was getting closer. He didn't fear his own desire and he knew he could trust Jeff. Jeff wouldn't push him if he didn't think Jensen could take it.
He'd taken Jeff's declaration - to be Jensen's Dom, even if Jensen wasn't yet ready to be a sub - more seriously than he'd intended. Jensen didn't want to give up control of his life. But he liked the idea of recapturing something he thought Isaacs had taken from him. Jensen still had the gift of himself to give, damaged as he was.
"Jeff?" he called. He'd just come out of the shower and had made his decision as he dressed.
"In the kitchen," Jeff shouted back.
The kitchen wasn't really far, but it wasn't where Jensen wanted to have this conversation. He pulled the smaller bag out of his duffel and put it on the bed, pushing Mila away gently. This time he'd rather she'd stayed on the floor. "Could you come in here when you have a sec?"
He didn't want Jeff to come running in thinking it was an emergency. Jensen's hands cramped, which usually happened when he got nervous. He flexed them, running through a quick set of finger exercises.
"What is it?" Jeff's voice came from the doorway.
Jensen knelt on the edge of the bed. "Please sit down," he said, reaching out for the bag.
"Jensen?" He felt the bed dip as Jeff sat.
The bag unzipped easily despite his trembling fingers. "Not sure you remember. Back on the Mercury I had this bag of toys."
Jeff let out a little laugh. "Oh, I remember."
Jensen could feel his cheeks heating. It felt like a lifetime ago. He'd come on strong then, determined to do his job well, despite being forced to work with the inexperienced Commander Morgan. Sometimes he thought he'd done his job too well, considering the sensual creature Jeff had become.
"I tossed a lot of it when I got home." Jensen frowned. He'd been in a very dark place then and didn't want to deal with the belongings returned to him from storage. More importantly he didn't want any remembrance of when he'd been a willing toy. "Some things I couldn't see myself ever enjoying again."
"Jen, I understand." One of Jeff's huge hands covered his own.
Jensen soaked in the warmth for a moment. Even now, Jeff's touch did things to him. "I kept, well, this is some of what I kept."
He reached into the bag and pulled the items out one by one, letting his fingers guide him. There was a single collar made out of leather. It wasn't the same one that Jensen had worn on Harmony, that had been taken by Adrian, but it reminded him of that time. He pulled out a pair of nipple clamps connected by a thin chain. There were two dildos, only one of which had a vibration option. Next Jensen pulled out two silk scarves, a small box that contained the glass dildo he'd been given by Senator McKellen, and a small flogger.
All of these objects had given him pleasure at some point in the past. Jensen hadn't thought he'd ever experience that again. But Jeff had given him hope.
"Impressive collection," Jeff said, voice light.
Jensen swallowed. "I want you to keep it. All of it." He pushed the now empty bag in Jeff's direction.
"Jensen?"
"You said, you said you'd be my Dom. I want you to decide when I'm ready for anything in here." He hoped Jeff understood. Jensen was willing to try any of these, but he wanted Jeff to decide when.
Jeff didn't say anything for a moment. When he did finally speak his voice was thick. "I'm honored by your trust in me."
Jensen bit his lip. "You make it easy, you know. I didn't think I could be me again."
Soft fingers touched his cheek. Jensen leaned into the caress. "You were always you. Now we're an us."
Jensen closed his eyes and smiled.
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