For The Heart I Once had (8/12)
Their wakeup call had been Rick pounding on the door shouting "Up and at 'em, those fish aren't gonna catch themselves."
Jensen buried his head under his pillow. "Is he always like that?"
"Apparently the fish bite early in the morning," Jeff grumbled. "Not like anyone's actually caught anything in that pond. Don't tell him I called it a pond."
Jensen snickered.
"Come on soldier, don't tell me you're still asleep!" They could hear him shouting at David even through the door.
"Stars," Jeff said, "Can't let David face him alone."
Jensen thought Jeff damn well could let David take his medicine from Rick. The two of them were intruding on Jeff and Jensen, not the other way around. He sighed. If he wanted to make any headway at getting to know Jeff's friends he needed to get his ass out of bed. Damn them.
Just his luck Jeff had to be friends with morning people. David didn't seem too hard pressed to be woken up before dawn, especially once Jensen offered to make a pot of coffee.
"You're pretty good around the kitchen," David observed in his jovial voice. Jensen wondered if the guy ever sounded anything but happy.
"It's just coffee. Jeff's the one actually cooking." Jensen could smell the eggs and bacon Jeff had thrown on the grill. The three of them had opted for breakfast even though Rick had already gone out to set up his fishing gear.
"No, I meant," David sputtered for a moment. "Since you can't see."
Jensen turned to where he thought David was sitting and threw him his best grin. He knew how to be charming when he had to. Besides, he'd rather David ask about his disability instead of just grabbing Jensen by the arm to 'guide' him. He'd had enough of that in therapy. "I can learn my way around a place pretty quickly. Plus I have this," he gestured to his ear cam, "when I need it."
"Jensen makes a mean pot of coffee," Jeff said in the silence. Jensen guessed David didn't know how to respond.
David laughed. "Good, cause I could use some."
Jensen pushed the brew button. As he moved away from the counter he slid around Jeff, putting his hand on Jeff's waist and plunking a kiss on his cheek, like he did every morning. He realized just as he did it that it might not have been the best idea and he made to pull away.
Instead Jeff turned and hooked his arm around Jensen, keeping him close and kissing his lips. Just as he did so Jensen heard the backdoor spring open and Rick groan.
"Come on, nobody wants to see that."
Jensen could feel his face heat and this time when he pulled away, Jeff let him go. "Sorry."
David spoke up. "Don't apologize! Stars, I'm glad Jeff is getting laid at least. Got any hot scut friends, Ackles?"
"David." Jeff's voice had a warning in it, but Jensen didn't mind. David he knew how to handle.
"None that go for out-of-work spacers," he shot back, pleased when David chuckled.
"Worth a shot!"
"When you're done wasting time," Rick cut in, his voice lacking any of the natural humor Jensen heard in David's. "I'll be out back. I already got one nibble. With luck we might have fish for dinner tonight."
"As long as it's your ass that's cleaning it!"
Jensen was glad when he heard Rick stomping out and the back door swing shut. He just couldn't get a handle on that guy.
***
Jeff knew that Jensen had asked them first, but he wondered if the other man was feeling left out with all these stories about back in the day. Of course, Jensen seemed more than fond of hearing about Jeff's glory days, if the smirk on his face was anything to go by.
Jensen sat back in one of the lawn chairs out back, his fishing pole held loosely in his hands. Jeff didn't even know if it had any bait on it. Mila had been under strict orders not to bark (it scares the fish) and lay at his feet, her tail thumping hard against the dirt. Jensen looked so relaxed with a flush of color in his cheeks. He'd lost the gaunt look he'd been sporting back at the ranch and Jeff couldn't help but feel a bit of pride at that.
"So what did Jeff do after he got caught?" Jensen leaned forward to ask.
"Returned the sheep to the princess. What else could he do?" David laughed. "Man, that was one crazy planet."
"You know what was crazy? Those giant croc-dog things. What planet was that on again?"
Jeff stiffened at Rick's words, his hands tightening on the fishing pole. "Georgia," he said, clearing his throat. "It was on Georgia."
It didn't hurt as much as he expected, to talk about the place where Katie had died. He could think of her now and not feel that combination of sorrow and rage that would bubble in his gut. She'd been dead for four years now, and sometimes he still expected her to walk into the room, as if she'd only stepped out for a moment.
"Fuck, I haven't thought about Georgia in forever." David shook his head. He took a sip out of his coffee mug, although Jeff had been certain they'd already finished the pot.
"Georgia," Jensen repeated, biting his lip. "Isn't that. . ."
"That's where Jeff met his wife," Rick put in, so sure Jeff wondered if the mention of the planet wasn't deliberate.
"You knew her?" Jensen asked. Jeff wanted to go over there and put his arms around Jensen.
David gestured with his coffee mug. "Hell, I was the one who told Jeff to marry her. Not every day you find a girl who can handle a gun like she could." He laughed, as if just realizing the innuendo.
Jeff saw her suddenly: laser rifle in her hand, her long blond hair flowing behind her as she aimed and took out the sniper before any of them even saw him. Her cheeks were flushed, but her eyes were determined. "That's probably not the best way to choose a wife. Even though it did work out pretty good for me."
"She was quite the woman," Rick said. "Never saw a civilian stand up to Captain Shatner before. But she wasn't even awed by him."
Jensen tilted his head in Jeff's direction. "You served under Admiral Shatner?"
"It was a long time ago," Jeff said. He shook his head. "He's one insane SOB."
"Yeah, but if that crazy sonofabitch had his way, we would have had the Confed on its knees by now." Rick reeled in his line and started to redo the bait. "None of this skulking around planting spies. Just all on total war."
"You know the number of lives that would have cost?" Jeff couldn't believe his ears. He remembered Shatner's total war plan and it was a damn good reason the UP had voted against it ten years ago.
Rick cast his line again, the bright red bobber settling in over the murky waters of the pond. "Yeah? And how many people died during the past decade of us twiddling our thumbs?"
"I'd hardly call it twiddling our thumbs," Jensen cut in. "I don't think you appreciate the amount of work it takes for a successful undercover mission."
"The point," Rick said, "Is that war should be honest. Soldier versus soldier. None of this between the bedsheets crap."
Jensen began to reel in his line. "And that would be just fine, if we weren't dealing with the Confed. There's no such thing as an honest war with them."
"I got a bite!" David shouted, diffusing the rather tense conversation in one fell swoop. He stood up and tugged on his line, letting out a whoop.
"You're going to let it get away!"
Then there was the scramble for the fish. Jeff couldn't believe there were actual fish in that pond. Apparently they only came out when Rick was around. Too bad that wasn't the only thing Rick brought with him.
***
Jensen retreated to the kitchen, the smell of the grilling fish following. Thankfully, it was much better than the scent of the fish while Jeff, Rick, and David were arguing about how to clean the damn things. Jeff still sounded dumbfounded that they'd caught any fish at all. Jensen might have used his blindness to get out of helping, but honestly he couldn't stomach the idea of smelling fish guts on his fingers all day long.
He'd come in to grab the plates for their dinner, no matter his misgivings about eating what came out of that lake. David was trying to convince Jeff to drive them to town and try a local bar. Jensen might be tempted if they had some place that played live music, but he stayed out of the argument. Hence his retreat into the kitchen.
He counted plates with his fingers and lifted them out of the cabinet without a hitch. Jensen set them down on the counter, wondering if he'd be able to also manage the silverware on the same trip. The back door opened and closed behind him.
Jensen turned, half expecting Jeff, so it was a shock to hear Rick say, "You know, I can see right through you."
"What do you mean by that?" Jensen had the cabinet to his back and he was grateful for the physical anchor.
Rick snorted in response. "Your little perfect boyfriend act."
Jensen held out his hands in what he hoped was a placating gesture. "I'm not perfect. I'm the first to admit that."
"You're doing it again. You're saying what you think I want to hear." Rick spoke in a harsh whisper, like he wanted to yell, but damn sure didn't want to be overheard. "I bet this is how you played Jeff too."
"I'm not playing anyone."
"Right. That explains the whole act out there. 'oh tell me more stories about you guys and Jeff.'"
Jensen was pretty damn sure he didn't sound like the high-pitched imitation Rick just spat out. He ground his teeth to prevent himself from shouting back in anger. "I can't be curious about Jeff's friends? His life before me?"
"It's a tactic you people use. Deflects attention from where it should be." Now Rick seemed like he was gearing up for a good rant. Jensen crossed his arms and decided to hear him out. This should be fun. "I don't know how you shanghaied Jeff into your bed, because the Jeff Morgan I knew doesn't fuck around with scuts. Especially male scuts. But Jeff is also a sucker for hard up cases."
Jensen laughed. "Wait a minute, you think Jeff is with me because of this?" he gestured towards his eyes. "Didn't he tell you we met two years ago? Before I even ended up on the media feeds?"
"The fact that he didn't tell me just proves my point. You're using him and I'm going to make damn sure he sees it."
"You arrogant son of a bitch. You don't know a damn thing about me or Jeff, and I sure as hell don't owe you an explanation. Keep on believing whatever fairy tale you want, but your best friend did fall for a guy and a scut. And I'll take his heart over your brand of loyalty any day."
Jensen found himself breathing heavily, as if he'd been in a race. He gripped the edge of the counter, needing the support.
Before Rick could respond, Jensen heard the back door open again. "Hey, the fish are up. You need a hand with those plates, Jen?" Jeff had no idea about what he'd just walked into.
"I'm good, if you can get the forks." Jensen turned back to the counter and knocked into the plates. He managed to catch himself before knocking them over. "Shit."
"You okay?" Jeff asked.
"Yeah, I'm fine," he said, knowing this was just giving Rick even more ammo. Poor little blind boy needing help from his sugar daddy. That wasn't true, it wasn't.
***
Jeff felt something was off the entire evening. It didn't help that David kept downing the beers, saying you couldn't eat the grilled fish without beer. The cooler had to come up empty at some point, and Jeff wondered if that would happen before or after David hit the drunk side of tipsy.
"I'm going to bed early," Jensen whispered in Jeff's ear. "You stay, catch up with your friends."
Jeff looked up in surprise. Jensen patted his shoulder and smiled before making his way back into the house, Mila at his heels. He hadn't spoken much since they ate and Jeff wondered if Jensen was hurting. The meds had to run out sometime and Jensen hadn't talked to him about getting a refill. Jeff made a mental note to call Jared in the morning, see if he could call one in to the local pharmacy.
Rick stood and started to clear up the back, putting up the grill and gathering up the dishes. Jeff pushed himself out of the lawn chair, groaning as he got to his feet. It felt too good to just sit and contemplate the night, watch the stars dot the sky, looking so different from the safety of Earth. He'd rather do it with Jensen by his side, however.
"Told ya there was fish," Rick said, giving Jeff a grin as he went to dispose of the bones.
"Grill me a steak anytime," Jeff shot back.
"Remember when we were kids?" Rick stopped just before the door. They'd only met once or twice as children, being distant cousins on their mothers' side. Sometimes Jeff forgot exactly how long he'd known Rick. "And Aunt Jill tried to get you to eat tofu?"
Jeff laughed. "I don't, actually. But I'll take your word for it."
Rick gave him a look. "Do you mean that?"
"Of course." Jeff frowned. "I trust you, Rick."
"Just remember that."
Before Jeff could question him further, David pushed past them both. "Come on guys, the night is still young. Where'd you hide the good stuff, Rick?"
Jeff followed them both back into the house. David started going through the cabinets in the kitchen, leaving them open as he moved on to the next drawer or door. Jeff started closing them behind him; this was exactly the kind of thing that could get Jensen hurt.
"Like I'd hide it in the kitchen." Rick strode right into the living part of the large room.
"Rick," Jeff hissed. The last thing he wanted was David getting a hold of the good stuff.
"We're on vacation, Jeff." Rick touched the panel next to the row of books near the front door. Part of the wall disappeared, showing it was only a hologram all along and revealed a well-stocked liquor cabinet.
"Well, fuck," Jeff muttered.
David pulled the ice tray out of the freezer. "Let's get started."
Jeff sighed and shrugged. He'd at least drink a toast to some fallen comrades.
It turned into a few drinks. Jeff couldn't keep up with either David or Rick. It wasn't long before all three of them were deep in their cups.
"You were lucky," David said, gesturing with his glass. The ice had long melted and it was just straight jack. "You at least told her you loved her."
"David. . . "
"Becky never knew, Jeff. Never got to tell her." David's words became more incoherent. He downed the last of his drink and started hunting for the bottle.
"David, that's enough, come on." Jeff put his hand on David's arm.
"Don't touch me." David shrugged him off. "You're here with your pretty boy all happy pants. Why can't I be happy, Jeff? "
They somehow ended up tangled on the floor, David with a fistful of Jeff's shirt as he kept demanding "Why?"
"Sleep it off, David, come on." Jeff tugged David back towards the couch, taking the glass that David had somehow managed to keep a hold of. "For God's sake, Rick, help me."
Rick stumbled over and grabbed David's other arm. Together they maneuvered him back on the couch. Jeff knew neither of them was about to go to the trouble of pulling the bed out, so David could just sleep like that tonight. It was damn sight better than on the floor.
"Not fair," David mumbled, but the next sound he let out was a snore.
"I'll get him a hangover shot," Rick said, halfway to the communal bathroom.
Jeff dumped out the glass of warm jack. "Going to bed." He didn't wait for Rick to respond. Even his bones felt tired as he dragged himself back to the bedroom.
He hesitated before palming on the light, his drink-addled brain forgetting for a moment that it wouldn't bother Jensen at all. Mila did look up at him from the bed. Damn dog was sleeping in Jeff's spot! She blinked as if the light bugged her before curling back into a tight little ball.
Jeff made his way to the bathroom. He slapped some water on his face before staring at his reflection in the mirror. Fuck, there were even more gray hairs growing in his beard. Not that Jensen would know, but it hurt his vanity. When did he get so damn old? Jeff rubbed the water out of his chin.
He opened the medicine cabinet and was relieved to find it stocked with anti-hangover shots. Rick always kept the place well supplied. Jeff jammed one into his forearm, glad that you didn't have to be sober, you just needed to make contact. There had been more than one bender where Jeff hadn't been able to make that contact.
Jensen stirred when Jeff got into bed. Mila had crawled to the foot of the bed on her own, which was good because Jeff wouldn't have had the heart to move her. "Jeff?"
"Here sweetheart." Jeff couldn't help but pull Jensen into his arms, nuzzling his sleepy lover.
David was right, even if it had been said in a drunken haze. Jeff was damn lucky to have found love a second time in his life. He'd lost Katie, but he'd make damn sure he'd keep Jensen close, no matter what.
Jensen threw his arm over Jeff's chest and seemed content to be wrapped up in Jeff's arms. "You're not with me cause you feel sorry for me, right, Jeff?" He didn't even sound awake as he asked.
"What kind of question is that?" Jeff muttered, stroking Jensen's hair out of his sweaty forehead. Crap, he'd forgotten to turn off the lights. He was so tired he thought he could fall asleep with them on. At least he'd get a perfect view of Jensen as he drifted off. "Here cause I want to be. Cause I love you."
"Mmm," Jensen murmured.
Jeff kinda wished he'd been awake for that.
***
Jensen loved the smell of the morning, wet and new. He'd gotten up to let Mila out, his ear cam telling him just how early it was. Jeff had snuffled and rolled over and Jensen could hear David snoring as he'd tiptoed through the living room. There had been one incident where he'd nearly tripped over something, but Mila had gotten between him and whatever it was on the floor, causing him to stop moving before he actually hurt himself.
He breathed in deeply, the scent of green invading his nose. Mila barked. Jensen could hear her run past, moving so quickly he could feel the rustle of the grass as she lapped him. "Don't chase any squirrels now," he told her. Jensen yawned and contemplated getting back into bed.
"That dog smart enough to talk back?"
He stiffened at the sound of Rick's voice. Jensen didn't turn around. "I guess I can train her to do just about anything."
"She's not one of those genetically modified pups, is she?"
Jensen nodded, still not turning around. Not like it made a difference if he did or didn't. "Jeff gave her to me."
Rick said something under his breath that Jensen didn't quite catch. This time he did turn around. "Problem?" he asked in his most innocent voice.
He heard Rick's footsteps as the man came off the porch and down onto the earth. Jensen held himself still, casting out his senses for where exactly Rick had gone and if he'd have to dodge a blow. Mila barked and was suddenly pressing herself up against his legs so he knew she had his back at least.
"You know damn well what my problem is," Rick said and he wasn't very far away at all, maybe a few feet in front of Jensen.
Jensen held out his arms. "Don't know what I can do to convince you. I'm not manipulating Jeff."
"Jeff never once showed interest in another man before you," Rick spat. "You think that's normal?"
"Maybe he just never met the right guy."
Rick let out a snort that seemed halfway to being a laugh. "They teach you this shit, at that Sex Corps training camp. You could seduce a tree if you had the mind to."
"I'm not interested in a tree." Jensen fought to keep the grin off his face. Part of him had almost missed this verbal sparring, the way he often had to defend himself against other members of the Corps who didn't like having a scut around. "And I think you're overestimating my powers of seduction."
"Jeff is my friend, hell, he's family. If you think I'm going to let you get away with doing this to him . . ."
"Jeff is a grown man. Nobody does anything to him that he doesn't want," Jensen snapped. "And if what he wants is me, then you should damn well learn to back off."
"You threatening me now, scut?"
Jensen could almost swear Rick didn't mean to use ‘scut' there and caught himself at the last moment. "You're just sore one scut did what the entire Space Corps couldn't." Not that Jensen was proud of it, not at all. He'd done what he had to survive and had gotten lucky.
"How long had you been whoring yourself to the Confed before you did it? You really think Jeff is going to be happy settling down with a whore?"
Jensen bit his lip to keep it from trembling. Of all the things Rick could have said, this was the only shot that hit its target. It hurt because it was true. Rick was absolutely right.
"Maybe you should let Jeff speak for himself," Jeff's voice came from somewhere. Jensen couldn't track it.
"Jeff, I . . ." Rick said. Jensen didn't want to hear it, didn't want to know what excuses the other man would say.
He just knew he couldn't stand another moment in his presence or in his home. Jensen took hold of Mila's collar and commanded "inside" trusting her to lead him when he could no longer orient himself.
Before he reached the door, a hand touched his shoulder. Jensen knew it was Jeff even before the man whispered, "I'll meet you inside. Going to have some words with Rick."
Jensen nodded, not trusting himself to speak. He had to get out of there.
***
"Was that any way to speak to a veteran?" Jeff said, leading with the one argument that he could count on to sway Rick.
He hadn't expected to stumble on to this confrontation when he'd woken up this morning. Jeff had only known that both Jensen and Mila were gone and guessed that the other man had gone to let her out when he didn't find any coffee in the kitchen. Stars, he could have used some coffee right about now.
Rick looked like Jeff had punched him in the gut. "I'd never . . . Scuts serve on their backs, you know that's the truth."
"Damn it, Rick, we're not having a philosophical discussion here." Jeff stepped down so he and Rick were on the same level. It didn't matter how scuts served or what even Jeff had thought of them before he'd actually met one. "You realize you called the person I love a whore?"
"Jeff, you never looked at a guy sideways before. Now you're in love with one? What the hell did he do to you?"
"Fuck, Rick, is that what this is about?" Jeff knew intolerance ran deep in the Corps, he just didn't expect to find it here. "You afraid I was looking sideways at you the whole time?"
"No, because I know you, Jeff Morgan. Probably better than you know yourself."
"Well that can't be true because you're way off base here."
"You think Katie would have wanted this for you?" Rick said. His eyes were pleading with Jeff as he said the one thing that made Jeff want to punch him.
Jeff turned back to the door. "Katie," he said, "believed in giving people a chance, whether they were Confed or UP. Slave or free. Military or not." He pulled the door open, knowing as he was about to step inside that he and Jensen had overstayed their welcome. "Goodbye, Rick."
He strode through the kitchen, moving quickly, thrumming with the need to get Jensen and get the hell out of there. David, bless his drunken heart, was still asleep on the couch. Well, Rick could explain everything to him then.
He found Jensen sitting on their bed, Mila in his lap licking his face and his duffel bag packed at his feet. Jeff's heart pounded so hard it felt like it was about to take flight. "Jen?" he said, sitting next to his lover.
Jensen wiped at his eyes before he looked in Jeff's direction. Mila had been licking away tears. "Jeff . . ."
"Sweetheart." Jeff pulled Jensen into his arms. He ran his fingers through Jensen's hair, breathing in deep of his scent.
"Stupid." Jensen buried his face against Jeff's chest. "Shouldn't get upset. He's right."
Jeff stilled. "No, Jen, he's not right."
Jensen let out a shaky laugh. "How can you say that? I whored for the UP my entire career. And even, even when they enslaved me, tortured me like an animal I got off on it, Jeff."
"You did what you were trained to do," Jeff told him. "You're alive right now because of that."
Jensen caught his hand in the fabric of Jeff's shirt, holding on tightly. "Who does that? Who signs up to be a willing whore? To let the enemy fuck them. . ."
"You listen to me, Jen. You are a soldier, you did what you were ordered to do," Jeff snapped. "Rick is wrong, just like dozens of other assholes in the Corps. You saved people's lives, damn it, at the expense of your own body." Gently he ran his fingers over Jensen's eyebrows, the scars on his temples. "Who else could have understood Harmony? It's because of you that we rescued Dr. Johnson, and Major Tappen if he hadn't gone native."
Jensen laughed a little at that and Jeff knew he was reaching him. "When I first met you I knew you had knowledge that I didn't. I respected that."
"Thank you." Jensen tilted his head and Jeff gave in and kissed him, hating that his plump lips tasted salty with tears. "Jeff, I can't stay here."
"I know." Their foreheads touched. "I'll pack up my stuff and we'll head out, okay?"
"I'm sorry," Jensen said. "He's your friend."
"Well, he's not much of one if he can't respect you, now is he?"
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