Out of Choices - Chapter 30
Title: Out Of Choices
Chapter 30: Picnic (Previous Chapters: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19.1, 19.2, 20, 21, 22.1, 22.2, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30)
Author:JCAddict/picklewinkle/Sher
Fandom: Twilight
Word Count:8,088
Rating: R/M, for sex and language
Story Summary: An angry young woman is forced to move to the town of Forks, Washington and decides that alone is the best way to be. She buries her heart under her anger and puts on a tough façade that very few people are able to break through. Can the love of a teenage vampire get through to the lost girl inside, even when his true nature is revealed? AU (alternative universe) and OOC (out of character). Bella is uber OOC. Edward, not so much.
Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight and all of its characters. I'm just manipulating them like imaginary playdoh so I feel like I have some power over them **snorts**
30. Picnic
A/N: All characters belong to Stephenie Meyer, author of Twilight.
Again I have to apologize for taking so long to do this update. April is a crazy busy month for me and I wrecked my back to boot so, um, yeah, that. Anyway, I'm pretty sure this isn't the best chapter I've ever written but I wanted to get this update done before more time passed. (Although I'm fairly sure that's obvious given it's 2:17 AM and I'm still sitting here typing.) Again, I have reviews to answer but I'm not going to try and get them done tonight if you'll forgive me. I figure you guys will be happier with an update than an email with me saying "hai dar, thanks for the review." I will get to them though. It's important to me. A big thank you to everyone who has left reviews. I've had a few people start the story recently that have taken the time to review many/all the chapters as they read and it means so much to me. Anyway, I'm shutting up now.
The picnic, from Edward's POV...
No matter how many times I tried to reword the truth, there was no way to tell Bella I was a vampire that would make it false. I couldn’t pretend or ignore the truth away, and I couldn’t make it uncomplicated or reduce the gravity of it. I was a vampire, and I had to find the words to tell the human girl I loved that she loved a monster and hope that she could somehow look past the horror of it and love me anyway. It all seemed surreal and impossible and foolish. I’d spent so much time and effort getting to the point where Bella loved me and wanted to be with me, and there wasn’t a single part of me that willingly wanted to hurt her or take chances with our relationship. Yet in order to continue forward and love her as we both wanted, I had to risk everything we’d built to tell her the truth so that she might have all the facts before she chose to give herself to me. It was the right thing to do in principle, but I’ll be damned if it didn’t feel wrong. I was terrified.
As the school day progressed, my terror began to consume me. Bella was the single most important person of my existence and I was having great difficulty rationalizing sticking to my plan to reveal my nature. I watched Bella all through lunch, studying even the most minor details of her expressions, wondering if it was the last time I would be close enough to her to notice the way her nose wrinkled when she bit into a bruised part of her apple or the way the right side of her mouth turned up when she knew I’d discovered her staring at me. I tried to convince myself that since I’d hidden the truth from her for so long, a few more days or weeks wouldn’t matter. But they would. I knew that honesty was very important to Bella and that I was simply trying to delay the inevitable.
Fear is a powerful emotion, but the fear of loss was something I’d never fully comprehended until this day. I understood Bella’s psyche a lot more clearly than I ever had before, and her initial reluctance to let me close to her was much easier to understand now that the real possibility of losing her forever was staring me in the face. It only made me love her more, that she would be brave enough to risk her heart with me when she’d already lost every person in her life that she loved. Now I stood on the precipice of losing everything that mattered to me and I was helpless. The outcome of our conversation was completely out of my control. I could offer her almost anything - money, companionship, even undying devotion. I could want her, and I could need her, and I could love her more and for longer than any lifetime she could imagine, but I could not make her accept what I truly was.
We were walking to biology when I felt something hit my calf. I looked down, realized it was Bella’s crutch and looked over at her.
“Are you in there?” she asked, her face twisted with her worry. I was doing a horrible job at hiding my preoccupation.
“I’m sorry. I haven’t been paying very good attention today,” I admitted.
“The better answer would be why you haven’t been paying attention,” she pointed out.
“It’s nothing.”
“Okay sure, right, and my leg isn’t broken either. Come on Edward. Give me a little credit. You may not want to tell me what’s bugging you, but at least admit that I can tell when something’s wrong.” She started to walk away, offended by my attempt to brush off the subject. I stepped in front of her so she couldn’t.
“I’m sorry,” I whispered, my hands going to her waist to stop her forward movement. She wouldn’t look up at me and it pained me to know I’d hurt her. Everything was my fault and she’d done nothing to deserve my disassociation. “I’m sorry Bella. Please look at me.” When her eyes came to mine I could see the hurt there and cursed myself inwardly. I was squandering precious time with her. Whether she was mine for only the next few hours or the rest of her life, I should have been revelling in her attention and showering her with my love, not brooding and dwelling on things I couldn’t change. “I’m sorry if my behaviour hurt you. I’ve been thinking about the picnic and what I wanted to talk to you about and it was unfair to let it consume me. Forgive me?”
“The picnic?” she asked with another flash of pain in her eyes. “I thought what you wanted to talk to me about was important, not something that would upset you.”
“It is important, and serious, and it could change everything. I suppose I’m just worried about upsetting the status quo. I’m very happy with the way things are right now.”
“Me too,” she agreed, “but we’re strong Edward. If we talk about things it will only make us stronger.”
I wanted to tell her she was right. I wanted to tell her that I believed we were strong enough that there was nothing that could separate us, but if I said it I would be lying to her and I couldn’t find the strength to lie. “I love you,” I whispered. It wasn’t a lie, and maybe it would soothe her worries a tiny amount like the lie might have.
“I love you too.” Her voice was very quiet but her eyes were fierce with loyalty. It made me feel impossibly more dishonest and undeserving of her trueheartedness. I had not an ounce of her strength or bravery. I was a coward, selfishly hiding my shameful secret to keep her close to me. She deserved someone who was as brave as she was, or at least someone braver than me. I was her choice though, and I couldn’t bring myself to feel bad for falling in love with her anymore than I could have stopped myself from falling. Our fates were intertwined, whether it was cruelly or amorously, and I wouldn’t have changed a moment with her even if I could have. Every interaction, both positive and negative had shaped the love that existed between us and though it was not a love without scars, it was a perfect love. Had I endured enough during my existence to deserve the gift of her love?
“Would you like it better if we went on our picnic now?” I wondered softly. “We could easily go to the office and get you dismissed and skip the rest of the afternoon if it would be easier for you?”
“I’m more than willing to skip, but I don’t want to get you in shit Edward.”
“It’s no trouble, and I feel dreadful for upsetting you. I’d do anything to make you smile.”
“Edward,” she scolded, “I’ll be fine to go to class. You don’t have to skip class to make me smile.”
“Would you skip class for me then?” I asked. I wouldn’t be paying attention in the next two classes anyway. She was the one I wanted to be with, and if I let her go to gym without me then I might lose my nerve.
“I’d do anything for you,” she assured me, trying to smile. It didn’t hide her worry. We headed to the office instead of the biology lab.
“Don’t watch what I do here,” I whispered, feeling self-conscious as we got to the office door. I wasn’t sure if Bella would want to see what I could do to Mrs. Cope. “Try to look tired and perhaps as if you were in pain,” I suggested. Bella was a horrible actress. It was a good thing Mrs. Cope barely noticed her standing there with me. “Mrs. Cope?” I asked in my smoothest most convincing voice. “I was just escorting Bella to class when she felt a little bit dizzy. I think it might be best if she was dismissed for the rest of the day. I will make sure she gets home safely myself.”
“Not feeling well Hun?” she asked Bella, never taking her eyes off me. She was stuck in my gaze, trying very hard not to be attracted to me, although her only dilemma was my age. Her marriage wasn’t even a thought in her mind. I was in no place to judge her motivations. I only needed her to agree with me.
“My leg’s really bothering me. I need to lay down,” Bella explained. I shot her a glare. She was laying it on a little too thick and I was worried Mrs. Cope might send her to the nurse’s office.
“I’m sure Mrs. Cope agrees that you’d rest most comfortably at home, don’t you Mrs. Cope?” I tilted my head down so I had to look through my lashes at her, knowing she’d immediately drop her reservations. She was considering calling Charlie and he most certainly did not need to be apprised of the situation, particularly since I had no intention of taking Bella home. “Bella why don’t you sit while Mrs. Cope takes care of things for you?” I watched Bella sit down and then turned back to Mrs. Cope wearing Bella’s favourite smile. Mrs. Cope was wavering with protocol. She was supposed to call a parent or guardian before dismissing any minor student. “You have my word that I will personally see she makes it home safely. Bella’s Uncle Charlie wouldn’t object to having Bella dismissed as long as she didn’t drive herself in this state.” She was still wavering so I stared at her a little more intensely. “I would really appreciate it if you could do this for me?”
“S-S-Sure Edward,” she agreed, tripping over her words and blushing as her mind moved to a completely inappropriate sexual thought involving her and I. “I’ll excuse you both from the rest of the afternoon. Just make sure she gets home safely.”
“You have my word Mrs. Cope, and thank you.” I was uncomfortable enough for all three of us now and didn’t wait to see where her next thought might go. I turned to Bella and flicked my head towards the exit to get her moving, rushing to the door to open it for her and closing it tightly behind us before Mrs. Cope could change her mind.
“That really wasn’t very fair,” Bella complained. “You’re going to give that old woman a heart attack with your flirting.”
“I told you not to watch,” I reminded her, smirking.
“Are you kidding? You were like a force of nature in there. I’m surprised she didn’t dismiss you for the rest of the week the way you worked her over.”
“It was for a good cause so it was easy to throw myself into the task,” I suggested, chuckling.
“Nope. I think you enjoyed toying with that poor woman a little bit too much,” Bella teased.
“Enjoy is a strong word. I merely did what needed to be done to get you dismissed.”
“Oh I see,” she allowed. “I suppose you think I needed to be able to read minds to know that she wants pull you into the principal’s office and have her way with you?”
“You noticed that?” I asked, surprised. I hadn’t noticed the outward signals. Her thoughts were so crude that I didn’t look for the physical markers.
“Yeah, you tend to notice when a middle aged woman is giving your boyfriend googly eyes. Impressive work though Edward, really. The poor woman didn’t have a chance to begin with and then you gave her the crooked grin and looked through your lashes at her. That was almost cruel.”
“Is there anything you don’t notice?” I wondered rhetorically, as the pieces of my dilemma fell into place. Maybe I wouldn’t have to tell Bella what I was at all. Maybe she would be able to guess it? I was suddenly unexplainably hopeful. She was able to put together the details of my mind reading and accept it without any reservations. Maybe the same would happen with my nature. I reached out for her hips and hoisted her over my shoulder, grabbing her crutches before they even had a chance to hit the ground.
“What the fuck are you doing Edward?” Bella laughed. “Put me down.”
“No,” I proclaimed. “You’re dizzy remember? I am only making sure you get to the car safely.”
“People are going to see,” she whispered, still giggling. I didn’t care who saw.
“Let them look…and I’ll give them something to look at,” I told her, playfully swatting her behind. I jammed the crutches at the door and pushed it open. Every step I took felt lighter as she laughed softly in my ear. This was the life I wanted, a physical connection to Bella and the opportunity to make her happy. There was no better thing I could imagine.
When I got to the Volvo I let her slide down off my shoulder and sat her on the trunk of the car, pushing myself between her knees so I could be closer to her. “What is up with you Edward?” she demanded. “A few minutes ago you were withdrawn and upset and now you’re carefree and playful. What gives?”
“It’s you,” I told her, wrapping my arms around her torso. “I get you all to myself now and I refuse to waste even a moment more worrying about anything else but us.”
“Nothing else matters,” she whispered sincerely.
“Nothing else matters,” I echoed her softly. “You and me and nothing else.”
*****
As I drove I tried to organize my thoughts and prepare myself for the coming conversation. It was difficult not to get swept away in Bella and forget the reason for the afternoon. Above everything else, even my own fear of losing her, I was afraid of hurting her. She was finally happy and she deserved happiness after all the loss in her life. I hated that I might take it away from her. I thought of the fierce loyalty in her eyes when she told me she loved me, and felt undeserving again. It was a strange position to be in, to hold the happiness of the one you love in your hands and be unable to protect it. My love had brought her happiness but could also cause its ruin.
I was very uncreative and rather predictable in my choice of picnic sites. The forest clearing meant something to me and to Bella and we both felt happy there so it seemed like the right fit for us today. I hadn’t packed much, just a few odds and ends with Alice’s help since I hadn’t paid very good attention to what Bella liked to eat. Bella seemed neither surprised nor disappointed when I pulled the car over. I scooped the blanket and basket from the trunk on my way around to Bella’s door. She already had it opened but waited for me to help her out. “Did you want to walk?” I asked.
“Do you mind if I do it without the crutches? I’ll be slow,” she warned me.
“Not at all. If you get too tired I can always help you.”
“I don’t think I’ll get tired. The ground is so soft that the crutches will just sink.” I offered my hand and pulled her from the car when she accepted it. She laced her tiny fingers through mine and looked up at me. “Will you hold my hand?” she asked shyly.
“Of course,” I assured her, lightly kissing her hand. We walked slowly through the long grass as Bella limped unevenly, labouring to pull her cast. “Are you sure you wouldn’t rather me carry you?”
“I’m sure. The walk feels good.” Her eyes were clear and unworried when I looked down into them, reassuring me and reigniting my hope that this afternoon could somehow work out in my favour. I rubbed my thumb along the edge of her tiny hand soothingly as we walked, conveying I was in no rush and encouraging her to take her time.
Once we reached the clearing I spread out the thick blanket and laid the basket down in one corner while I watched Bella sprawl out comfortably. She seemed so at ease that I couldn’t decide if her ease should give me confidence that she could handle my news or if she would be more like a deer caught in the headlights once she figured it out. I peeked into the basket. “Are you hungry?”
“A little. I didn’t eat much at lunch. Then again, neither did you,” she pointed out sarcastically. I pulled out the container of strawberries and opened the lid, passing the container across to Bella, and settled down on to the blanket, mirroring Bella’s reclined position. She pulled the container up to her nose and inhaled deeply. “They smell so good.” She held the container out for me to smell. I held my hand up to her to politely refuse. “You have to smell them,” she insisted. “You’re not going to make me crawl all the way over there are you?” She knew she had me with her plea but she smiled sweetly at me anyway. I shifted across the blanket towards her and leaned in to smell them. They were sweet and pungent, but held no appeal for me. I smiled softly at her, hoping to mask my lack of reaction. “Don’t they smell delicious?”
“I don’t think they smell nearly as lovely as you,” I told her honestly, although perhaps given my news it was completely the wrong sentiment.
“Shut up,” she scolded, smacking my arm with her hand. Her cheeks turned crimson and I couldn’t stop myself from reaching out and stroking them.
“When are you going to be able to take a compliment without blushing?” I wondered quietly.
“Never,” she stated flatly, looking down into her lap.
“That suits me fine. I like it when you blush.” I watched her fingers move to the container of strawberries and pick one up. She brought it to her mouth and I was mesmerized by the way her lips pouted out around the berry as she bit into it. I’d never really put much effort into watching her eat before. It seemed so obvious to watch her do something that I didn’t do, like some kind of red flag to alert her to my behaviour. I was less inhibited today, given the conversation that I planned. It was rather enjoyable, almost sensual to watch her eat.
“Do you want some?” she wondered, holding the strawberry out to me. I hesitated, half curious if it could taste anywhere near as good as the way she made it look. Instead, I leaned in and kissed her juice stained lips, sucking softly on her bottom lip to remove the sticky sweet residue and turning myself on further in the process.
“I prefer to eat my strawberries like that,” I informed her in a low tone, hoping she enjoyed my efforts enough to not put the question to me again. I didn’t want to have to lie to her.
“I think strawberries will be my new favourite food then, and I will share them with you at every meal,” she declared with a wicked glint in her eyes. “Since you never seem to eat any other time.”
“Does it bother you that I don’t eat very often?”
“Bother me? Why would it bother me?” she asked, taking another bite of strawberry and momentarily distracting me.
“We are unalike in many ways. Eating is only one of them.”
“So?” she shrugged. I should have expected her indifference but I hadn’t. I was counting on her observations to guide the conversation.
“You don’t find it curious that I don’t eat?”
“Sure, but I just figured you must like to eat at home or some shit, like maybe a phobia about eating in public places, or high school cafeterias.” I smiled at her theory. She’d obviously thought about it and it pleased me that she had and didn’t care. Again I found myself hoping.
“What if there was some other explanation for it?” I wondered.
“As long as you’re healthy and happy then it doesn’t much matter.” I let my hand trail along the back of her hand, tickling her skin with my fingertips.
“Have you ever wondered about the ways we are different?”
“Of course…you’re a boy, I’m a girl,” she chuckled.
“True,” I allowed, smirking at her. “There is a definite difference between our sexes, but I was referring to something that wasn’t quite so obvious.”
“What then? Did you need to hear that you’re ridiculously good looking, because yeah, I’ve noticed that too,” she laughed.
“No,” I laughed. “Other physical differences, like the temperature of my skin for instance?”
“So?” she shrugged. “What are you getting at Edward?”
“My cold skin doesn’t bother you?”
“I told you before that it doesn’t. I’m too warm. You’re too cold. Who gives a crap?”
“Your skin is warm and soft and inviting,” I told her quietly, allowing my hand to drift down her body to her hip. My eyes moved from her face down to my hand, seeking permission. When she nodded, I slid my hand under her jacket, pushing aside the fabric of her t-shirt until I made contact with her skin. “So warm and soft,” I repeated in a murmur. “Mine isn’t.”
“I don’t care,” she affirmed. “I like you just the way you are.”
“How do you see my skin?”
“It’s just skin Edward.”
“Describe it for me please,” I pleaded softly.
“Well…” she paused, thinking about my questions. “Your skin is muscular…and cool,” she informed me reverently. I didn’t understand her tone.
“And pale,” I added.
She snorted delicately. “I don’t give a shit about that. I’m pale too.”
“Pale, yes, but not hard and cold.” I pulled myself up to sitting and shrugged off my coat. She wasn’t following my thoughts so I was going to have to show her. I let my hand drift to the placket of my shirt and undo the top few buttons. Her eyes were stuck on my fingers as they eased each button out of the buttonhole. “My skin isn’t like yours,” I whispered, finishing the last couple of buttons looking down, feeling ashamed of what I was. I let my shirt fall open.
“Wow,” she whispered, gaping at my bare chest. I felt exposed and compunctious and uneasy as I waited for her to stop staring and tell me what she was thinking. “Can I touch it?”
“Touch it?” I asked, confused. She’d touched my skin before. She knew how unnatural it was. I watched her as she sat up and wiggled towards me with her hand out stretched. Her tiny fingers glossed over my skin, pushing my shirt open further.
“Lay down,” she murmured softly, her eyes still stuck on my chest.
“Bella,” I complained.
“Please?” she pressed. I didn’t understand what she was after but gave her what she was asking, lying down on my back. She crawled over to me and then hiked her leg over my body so that she was straddling me.
“Bella, your leg,” I warned, worried she might hurt herself.
“I’m fine,” she whispered, dropping her body onto mine, and resting her weight on my hips. I wasn’t sure if the placement of her body was on purpose or not, but she had me pinned in a rather ungentlemanly position. I wouldn’t be able to hide my reaction to her if she continued turning me on like she did with the strawberries. Her hands slid out from her body and she caressed the skin of my stomach with her palms, slowly moving up my torso. I tried to concentrate on the conversation instead of the way her touch was making me feel.
“It’s so much harder and colder than your skin.”
“Edward, it’s perfect,” she whispered, letting her fingertips press into my flesh. I didn’t understand how she could see my skin as anything but repulsive in comparison to her own.
“It’s not natural,” I admitted shamefully.
“No, it’s not natural,” she agreed. “But I don’t know a man who wouldn’t kill to be this defined and muscular, or a woman who wouldn’t want this to touch.”
“Bella, you’re not hearing me. This skin…it’s not natural. There’s a reason it’s not like yours. I’m not like you…” I paused to gather my courage and Bella interrupted me.
“I don’t care Edward,” she explained, although I couldn’t comprehend how she couldn’t.
“You don’t care?” I demanded. “You don’t care what I am?” My tone was filled with disgust and disbelief.
“I think you’re perfect just the way you are. You’re even more attractive than I imagined you’d be,” she admitted shyly, letting her hands drift further up my body and slide my shirt partially off my shoulders. Her touch was electric as her warm fingers smoothed over my skin gently.
“Surely you see the differences Bella,” I challenged her, lowering my voice and trying to control the fear that threatened to squelch my efforts to be truthful. “I opened my shirt for a reason, to show you what you insist doesn’t exist. We are different Bella, and there’s a reason for that difference.”
“Why are you doing this Edward?” she asked quietly. Her calmness was almost eerie and I tried to reign in my intensity while her soft voice filled my ears. “We’ve talked about this, at least a little bit. I thought that you wanted to be with me.”
“I do want to be with you. That’s exactly why I’m doing this,” I justified, unable to keep my fear from creeping into my tone.
“Then be with me Edward. We don’t have to talk about it if it makes you uncomfortable. I’m ready. I don’t have any reservations. I’ve thought it through and I know what I want.” She paused, looking down through her lashes at me, as if the words themselves weren’t enough to put me over the edge. “I want you…I want to be with you and I’m not afraid.” I could tell how vulnerable she was feeling. I pushed myself off the blanket to sit up, resting my hands on her hips.
“Bella, look at me,” I implored.
“I am looking,” she whispered.
“No, really look at me,” I impugned. “Look past what you think you see and really see what’s there.”
“I see you, bare-chested and glorious…and I want to touch you.”
“Bella, please,” I insisted, my tone marred by frustration. “For just a minute, forget what you’re feeling and tell me what you see.”
“What I’m feeling? What the fuck is that supposed to mean? I thought we were both feeling it?”
“This isn’t about sex Bella, and before it can ever get to sex we need to have this conversation.”
Her lips pouted out petulantly before she gave in and tried to answer my question. “I see pale skin. I see a bare chest that I’d very much like to run my fingers across. I see a scant amount of hair just below your neck that requires my fingertip’s attention. I see your muscles, defined pecs and a rippled stomach.”
“Fine then, look at my face and tell me what you see!” She huffed and rolled her eyes, becoming more frustrated with each request I made.
“I see you. I see a mouth that’s not smiling but if it were you’d have a dimple right there.” Her tiny finger came out to softly touch my cheek. “I see angled cheekbones, and perfect lips that were created to kiss me, and thick groomed eyebrows, and long dark lashes that frame the most unique butterscotch coloured eyes, eyes that I know by heart.”
“And you’ve never wondered what makes them such an odd colour?”
“No,” she whispered, looking down.
“There’s a reason,” I affirmed.
“They’re your eyes and I love them. I don’t care what makes them the colour they are. Only that they are looking back at me and happy, not filled with worry like they are right now.”
“My eyes used to be green,” I whispered, hoping to impress upon her that this was not a natural eye colour.
“Oh,” she sighed sadly. “I didn’t know that…but I still don’t care.”
“Bella, please don’t be obtuse. I’m trying to get you to see something, to put the pieces together.”
“I’m not being obtuse,” she spat defensively. “I heard what you said about your eye colour.”
“You’re very observant. Surely you’ve noticed that they change colour…vary in darkness?”
“Everyone’s eyes do that. The colour is only a perception, based on illumination and the colours that surround them. Mine do it too.”
“No Bella,” I whispered, wanting to correct her further but afraid to hurt her.
“And eye colour changes with age, and puberty and even childbirth. I read a paper once written around the hypothesis that eye colour changes with somatic hormonal levels. The body is like a fucking test tube. We are constantly undergoing changes, millions of chemical reactions every day…” Her voice trailed off, filled with sadness, and she was quiet for a few moments. “If you don’t want me you could just say it you know?” she whispered. I pulled her chin up and forced her to look at me.
“This is not because I don’t want you,” I complained, louder than I intended before I got a hold of my frustration.
“Sorry,” she mumbled, embarrassed. “It’s…well…habit.”
“It’s a habit to insult yourself?”
“It’s never made sense to me that you would want this,” she told me in a small voice, shoulders hunched and eyes down, waving her hand down her body to illustrate what she meant.
“I’m sorry,” I sighed, upset with myself for losing my temper with her for even a moment. None of this was her fault. I was the one that couldn’t find the right words, the one who was still being controlled by my fear. “I didn’t mean to raise my voice like that. I love you Bella and that’s never going to change. And whether or not it makes sense to you, I do want you,” I explained softly, rubbing my thumb along her hipbone. “Today, tomorrow, and forever. I’m always going to want you. Do you think I’d be going through all of this if I didn’t want you?”
“Then don’t go through it,” she whispered. “If what you need to tell me is going to change what’s between us then I don’t want to know.” I could hear the fear in her voice now even though I wasn’t sure what had caused it, my intensity or some inkling of what might be coming.
“I need you to know this before we can be together,” I murmured painfully, knowing I would hurt her.
“Then I don’t want to be with you. I don’t need to have sex with you to be happy. I just want things to stay the way they are. Honestly, I don’t think I can handle any changes.”
“You don’t mean that. I understand that you’re afraid. I’m afraid too but what I need to tell you about is a part of me, part of who I am, but only a part. If you can accept it then there is nothing that could ever hurt us again.”
“But this could hurt us?” she asked with wide frightened eyes. “Whatever it is that you think you need to share with me could hurt us?”
“It might, yes,” I admitted as my voice cracked on the honesty of my words.
“Then I don’t want to know.”
“Bella, be serious.”
“I am being serious. I’ve experienced enough adversity to last a lifetime. I won’t risk us. I’d rather live in ignorance than know something that might change what we have.”
“Don’t you think we need to keep moving forward?”
“No. We can stay right here in this very moment…where I love you enough to give myself to you and you love me enough to protect me from something that will hurt me.”
“Bella, if there was any way around this then I would take it. I don’t want to hurt you.”
“Then don’t.”
“But this is part of who I am. I can’t change it any more than I can hide it from you any longer. I want you to know all of me, no secrets or hiding.”
“I know all I need to know Edward.”
“That’s not true. If you knew this then it might change the way you see things. It might make you second guess being with me intimately, or being in love with me at all.”
“Then I really don’t want to know,” she contended firmly. “Why are you doing this Edward? Do you want to push me away? Are you trying to scare me? Aren’t you happy with me?” The obvious strife in her voice was excruciating.
“Of course not.” I brought a hand up to her face and stroked her cheeked, hoping to convey my sincerity and soothe her a small amount. “I would never purposefully push you away or scare you. You are my happiness.”
“Then don’t do this.” She pushed back from my body and I was instantly panicked. My eyes were stuck on her, watching her as she awkwardly pulled at the sleeves of her coat until she was able to get herself free of it. Her wary eyes held mine for a moment before the movement of her hands caught my attention. I watched her hands move to her hem and clumsily pull her t-shirt over her head. “Then don’t do this,” she repeated in a meek whisper, pulling herself to my body. She tucked her head under my chin, laying her cheek on my skin, and pressed her body into my chest. “Just love me,” she entreated piteously.
I couldn’t even allow myself a moment to enjoy her warmth against my skin, grabbing at my coat and gently pushing her body away from me in the process. I wrapped the coat around her body the best I could to shield her. “Bella, there is no privacy here,” I warned modestly. “People might see you.”
She frenetically pulled her body back to mine, again tucking her head under my chin. “I don’t care,” she whispered into my chest. I suddenly realized she was hiding from me purposely.
“Bella look at me,” I pleased softly, grasping at her cheeks and easing her face up towards mine as she half-heartedly fought me. “I do love you. I want to make love to you. Please believe me. I just don’t want anything to come between us. That’s why I want you to know everything before we take this step, so you can’t look back someday regretfully.”
“There’s nothing you could say that would make me change my mind.”
“Then you shouldn’t be afraid to hear what I have to say.”
“No, I meant that I’ve made my mind up. I don’t need any more information to make the decision. It’s made, so please don’t wreck this. Please don’t take this away from me.”
“I’m not trying to wreck this or take anything away…” She didn’t let me finish, pushing her lips against mine as I spoke, wrapping her tiny arms around my neck and pressing herself into my chest. I couldn’t ignore the warmth of her skin against mine, or the sensuality it created. I couldn’t ignore the way her supple lips pouted against mine desperately or the immediate flood of want I felt when her hands touched my neck. Against my will my arms wrapped around her waist and pulled her to me and I moaned into her kiss. Her tongue pushed against my lips and I fought with everything I had against my desire to give her what she wanted. She whimpered and ground down on my hips, using every point of contact between our bodies to press intimately against me. “Bella,” I begged desperately, “stop. You’re not playing fairly.” Her tiny hands tangled into my hair and she pushed my mouth back to hers to stop me from talking, taking advantage of my speaking by pushing her tongue into my open mouth. I was losing control. Between my want and my frustration I couldn’t reign in my reaction to her. The only thing I had left was my will. “Bella, please,” I urged, murmuring into her kiss. “This can’t happen until we talk.” Again she ground down on me, seeking what I could not grant her. I needed a more controlled environment than this situation offered to ensure her safety. I wanted to give her more tenderness than the scant amount of privacy the clearing would allow. I had no way out of this situation without hurting her and I knew she wouldn’t listen to further reasoning. I exerted my physical strength with the last bit of control I possessed. I released my hold on her waist and clasped her cheeks firmly, easing her back from our kiss. “Not like this Bella.”
“Fine,” she spat. “Not like this…not ever.” Her voice was angry and unforgiving, and even though I expected it I felt the pain of it like a stab to my heart. I did not release her cheeks even though she struggled against my hands.
“I know you’re angry and that you feel hurt, but my only concern is you. Please understand that this is something I want very badly but can’t take in good conscience without full disclosure. I know how you value honesty, and I respect you and what you stand for. There are things that are out of my control…things I wish I could change…but I just can’t. It wouldn’t be fair of me to make love to you until you know everything.”
“Let go of me please,” she asked apathetically. She was pulling back from me, retreating into her defensive walls to protect herself from further hurt.
“Bella, I love you. I’m not rejecting you. I’m simply asking for some patience.”
“Fine, you have my patience,” she sighed, “Since it’s the only thing I can give that you really want.”
“You know that’s not true. I want all of you, not just your patience,” I murmured softly, knowing my words would fall on deaf ears. Her hurt would never allow her to hear me and believe me.
“Please let go of me,” she asked again. Her defeat was palpable. I leaned in and kissed her lips softly before releasing her cheeks from between my palms. There was no spirit in her kiss, no verve in her lips. She kissed me because she had to, like I was no one special, merely as a means to give me what I wanted so that I might grant her what she wanted.
“Bella, I love you,” I whispered sincerely.
“I know. I’d like to go home now please. My leg hurts from sitting like this.” She shrugged out of the makeshift cover-up of my jacket and reached for her t-shirt. I watched her, willing her to look at me but her eyes never looked in my direction. She pulled her t-shirt over her head haphazardly, yanking her hair from the neck hole and letting it fall forward to hide her flushed cheeks from me.
“Would you like me to carry you?”
“No thank you.” I offered my hand to her as she lifted herself out of my lap but she did not take it. She grabbed her jacket off the blanket and began walking towards the car, pulling the jacket on as she walked. I quickly buttoned my shirt and put on my jacket, gathering up the basket and blanket, and rushed to her side. I slipped my hand around hers to hold it as we had on the way. She stiffened minutely, glancing at me sideways unhappily.
“Is it okay if I hold your hand?” I asked.
“Sure,” she replied uneasily. That was the end of our conversation. Though I tried to engage her on the way home and reopen the subject I’d been trying to broach all afternoon, she remained detached and aloof. She let me hold her hand in the car but there was none of the comfort and assuagement that she normally gave me. When I kissed her hand softly she glanced sideways and half smiled. When I told her I loved her again she repeated that she knew I loved her. I could practically feel her folding in on herself.
Her hand was on the door handle when I pulled into the school parking lot. I knew I had to take a risk so I decided to show her my speed. She started to open her door but before she had it open I was there beside her, offering my hand. “How did you…you were over there?”
“It’s another of our differences Bella…one of the things I’ve been trying to talk to you about.”
“Oh,” she sighed. “Right.” Her voice sounded impossibly more defeated. When I turned my back to her to get her crutches out of the back seat, she unlocked her truck and got in, slamming the door behind her. I tapped lightly on the window and pointed to her crutches. She rolled the window down reluctantly. “You can just shove them in the truck bed,” she instructed me.
“Can I follow you home?”
“No, that’s okay. I’ll be fine,” she assured me.
“It would make me feel better,” I admitted.
“Edward, I really need to be by myself.” I knew it was hard for her to admit that to me.
“Please don’t pull away Bella. I know I hurt you but I didn’t mean to. Please just give me a chance to explain?”
“I’m not pulling away. I just need some time to think. I wouldn’t want to say something in anger that I’d regret later.” I couldn’t help but feel her words were just an excuse to get her away from me, even if there was truth in them.
“Can I call you later then?”
“Sure.”
Again I told her I loved her and she told me she knew. “You don’t want to say it back to me?” I asked softly, wanting desperately to get through the walls she was putting up.
She chewed unconsciously on her lip and then her eyes shot to mine. “I love you too.” She looked away quickly but not before I saw the tears in her eyes. I froze for a moment, unsure of what to do. If I tried to stop her it would only make her feel more vulnerable and perhaps more angry. I didn’t want that. She used my hesitation to gun her truck’s engine and take off. Her hurt was much deeper than I’d predicted and I had to find a way to make her listen to me and somehow make up for the hurt I’d unintentionally caused. I got in the Volvo and headed towards her house. Whether she wanted to or not, we were going to figure this out together.
A/N: Reviews are love!!!
Chapter 30: Picnic (Previous Chapters: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19.1, 19.2, 20, 21, 22.1, 22.2, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30)
Author:JCAddict/picklewinkle/Sher
Fandom: Twilight
Word Count:8,088
Rating: R/M, for sex and language
Story Summary: An angry young woman is forced to move to the town of Forks, Washington and decides that alone is the best way to be. She buries her heart under her anger and puts on a tough façade that very few people are able to break through. Can the love of a teenage vampire get through to the lost girl inside, even when his true nature is revealed? AU (alternative universe) and OOC (out of character). Bella is uber OOC. Edward, not so much.
Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight and all of its characters. I'm just manipulating them like imaginary playdoh so I feel like I have some power over them **snorts**
30. Picnic
A/N: All characters belong to Stephenie Meyer, author of Twilight.
Again I have to apologize for taking so long to do this update. April is a crazy busy month for me and I wrecked my back to boot so, um, yeah, that. Anyway, I'm pretty sure this isn't the best chapter I've ever written but I wanted to get this update done before more time passed. (Although I'm fairly sure that's obvious given it's 2:17 AM and I'm still sitting here typing.) Again, I have reviews to answer but I'm not going to try and get them done tonight if you'll forgive me. I figure you guys will be happier with an update than an email with me saying "hai dar, thanks for the review." I will get to them though. It's important to me. A big thank you to everyone who has left reviews. I've had a few people start the story recently that have taken the time to review many/all the chapters as they read and it means so much to me. Anyway, I'm shutting up now.
The picnic, from Edward's POV...
No matter how many times I tried to reword the truth, there was no way to tell Bella I was a vampire that would make it false. I couldn’t pretend or ignore the truth away, and I couldn’t make it uncomplicated or reduce the gravity of it. I was a vampire, and I had to find the words to tell the human girl I loved that she loved a monster and hope that she could somehow look past the horror of it and love me anyway. It all seemed surreal and impossible and foolish. I’d spent so much time and effort getting to the point where Bella loved me and wanted to be with me, and there wasn’t a single part of me that willingly wanted to hurt her or take chances with our relationship. Yet in order to continue forward and love her as we both wanted, I had to risk everything we’d built to tell her the truth so that she might have all the facts before she chose to give herself to me. It was the right thing to do in principle, but I’ll be damned if it didn’t feel wrong. I was terrified.
As the school day progressed, my terror began to consume me. Bella was the single most important person of my existence and I was having great difficulty rationalizing sticking to my plan to reveal my nature. I watched Bella all through lunch, studying even the most minor details of her expressions, wondering if it was the last time I would be close enough to her to notice the way her nose wrinkled when she bit into a bruised part of her apple or the way the right side of her mouth turned up when she knew I’d discovered her staring at me. I tried to convince myself that since I’d hidden the truth from her for so long, a few more days or weeks wouldn’t matter. But they would. I knew that honesty was very important to Bella and that I was simply trying to delay the inevitable.
Fear is a powerful emotion, but the fear of loss was something I’d never fully comprehended until this day. I understood Bella’s psyche a lot more clearly than I ever had before, and her initial reluctance to let me close to her was much easier to understand now that the real possibility of losing her forever was staring me in the face. It only made me love her more, that she would be brave enough to risk her heart with me when she’d already lost every person in her life that she loved. Now I stood on the precipice of losing everything that mattered to me and I was helpless. The outcome of our conversation was completely out of my control. I could offer her almost anything - money, companionship, even undying devotion. I could want her, and I could need her, and I could love her more and for longer than any lifetime she could imagine, but I could not make her accept what I truly was.
We were walking to biology when I felt something hit my calf. I looked down, realized it was Bella’s crutch and looked over at her.
“Are you in there?” she asked, her face twisted with her worry. I was doing a horrible job at hiding my preoccupation.
“I’m sorry. I haven’t been paying very good attention today,” I admitted.
“The better answer would be why you haven’t been paying attention,” she pointed out.
“It’s nothing.”
“Okay sure, right, and my leg isn’t broken either. Come on Edward. Give me a little credit. You may not want to tell me what’s bugging you, but at least admit that I can tell when something’s wrong.” She started to walk away, offended by my attempt to brush off the subject. I stepped in front of her so she couldn’t.
“I’m sorry,” I whispered, my hands going to her waist to stop her forward movement. She wouldn’t look up at me and it pained me to know I’d hurt her. Everything was my fault and she’d done nothing to deserve my disassociation. “I’m sorry Bella. Please look at me.” When her eyes came to mine I could see the hurt there and cursed myself inwardly. I was squandering precious time with her. Whether she was mine for only the next few hours or the rest of her life, I should have been revelling in her attention and showering her with my love, not brooding and dwelling on things I couldn’t change. “I’m sorry if my behaviour hurt you. I’ve been thinking about the picnic and what I wanted to talk to you about and it was unfair to let it consume me. Forgive me?”
“The picnic?” she asked with another flash of pain in her eyes. “I thought what you wanted to talk to me about was important, not something that would upset you.”
“It is important, and serious, and it could change everything. I suppose I’m just worried about upsetting the status quo. I’m very happy with the way things are right now.”
“Me too,” she agreed, “but we’re strong Edward. If we talk about things it will only make us stronger.”
I wanted to tell her she was right. I wanted to tell her that I believed we were strong enough that there was nothing that could separate us, but if I said it I would be lying to her and I couldn’t find the strength to lie. “I love you,” I whispered. It wasn’t a lie, and maybe it would soothe her worries a tiny amount like the lie might have.
“I love you too.” Her voice was very quiet but her eyes were fierce with loyalty. It made me feel impossibly more dishonest and undeserving of her trueheartedness. I had not an ounce of her strength or bravery. I was a coward, selfishly hiding my shameful secret to keep her close to me. She deserved someone who was as brave as she was, or at least someone braver than me. I was her choice though, and I couldn’t bring myself to feel bad for falling in love with her anymore than I could have stopped myself from falling. Our fates were intertwined, whether it was cruelly or amorously, and I wouldn’t have changed a moment with her even if I could have. Every interaction, both positive and negative had shaped the love that existed between us and though it was not a love without scars, it was a perfect love. Had I endured enough during my existence to deserve the gift of her love?
“Would you like it better if we went on our picnic now?” I wondered softly. “We could easily go to the office and get you dismissed and skip the rest of the afternoon if it would be easier for you?”
“I’m more than willing to skip, but I don’t want to get you in shit Edward.”
“It’s no trouble, and I feel dreadful for upsetting you. I’d do anything to make you smile.”
“Edward,” she scolded, “I’ll be fine to go to class. You don’t have to skip class to make me smile.”
“Would you skip class for me then?” I asked. I wouldn’t be paying attention in the next two classes anyway. She was the one I wanted to be with, and if I let her go to gym without me then I might lose my nerve.
“I’d do anything for you,” she assured me, trying to smile. It didn’t hide her worry. We headed to the office instead of the biology lab.
“Don’t watch what I do here,” I whispered, feeling self-conscious as we got to the office door. I wasn’t sure if Bella would want to see what I could do to Mrs. Cope. “Try to look tired and perhaps as if you were in pain,” I suggested. Bella was a horrible actress. It was a good thing Mrs. Cope barely noticed her standing there with me. “Mrs. Cope?” I asked in my smoothest most convincing voice. “I was just escorting Bella to class when she felt a little bit dizzy. I think it might be best if she was dismissed for the rest of the day. I will make sure she gets home safely myself.”
“Not feeling well Hun?” she asked Bella, never taking her eyes off me. She was stuck in my gaze, trying very hard not to be attracted to me, although her only dilemma was my age. Her marriage wasn’t even a thought in her mind. I was in no place to judge her motivations. I only needed her to agree with me.
“My leg’s really bothering me. I need to lay down,” Bella explained. I shot her a glare. She was laying it on a little too thick and I was worried Mrs. Cope might send her to the nurse’s office.
“I’m sure Mrs. Cope agrees that you’d rest most comfortably at home, don’t you Mrs. Cope?” I tilted my head down so I had to look through my lashes at her, knowing she’d immediately drop her reservations. She was considering calling Charlie and he most certainly did not need to be apprised of the situation, particularly since I had no intention of taking Bella home. “Bella why don’t you sit while Mrs. Cope takes care of things for you?” I watched Bella sit down and then turned back to Mrs. Cope wearing Bella’s favourite smile. Mrs. Cope was wavering with protocol. She was supposed to call a parent or guardian before dismissing any minor student. “You have my word that I will personally see she makes it home safely. Bella’s Uncle Charlie wouldn’t object to having Bella dismissed as long as she didn’t drive herself in this state.” She was still wavering so I stared at her a little more intensely. “I would really appreciate it if you could do this for me?”
“S-S-Sure Edward,” she agreed, tripping over her words and blushing as her mind moved to a completely inappropriate sexual thought involving her and I. “I’ll excuse you both from the rest of the afternoon. Just make sure she gets home safely.”
“You have my word Mrs. Cope, and thank you.” I was uncomfortable enough for all three of us now and didn’t wait to see where her next thought might go. I turned to Bella and flicked my head towards the exit to get her moving, rushing to the door to open it for her and closing it tightly behind us before Mrs. Cope could change her mind.
“That really wasn’t very fair,” Bella complained. “You’re going to give that old woman a heart attack with your flirting.”
“I told you not to watch,” I reminded her, smirking.
“Are you kidding? You were like a force of nature in there. I’m surprised she didn’t dismiss you for the rest of the week the way you worked her over.”
“It was for a good cause so it was easy to throw myself into the task,” I suggested, chuckling.
“Nope. I think you enjoyed toying with that poor woman a little bit too much,” Bella teased.
“Enjoy is a strong word. I merely did what needed to be done to get you dismissed.”
“Oh I see,” she allowed. “I suppose you think I needed to be able to read minds to know that she wants pull you into the principal’s office and have her way with you?”
“You noticed that?” I asked, surprised. I hadn’t noticed the outward signals. Her thoughts were so crude that I didn’t look for the physical markers.
“Yeah, you tend to notice when a middle aged woman is giving your boyfriend googly eyes. Impressive work though Edward, really. The poor woman didn’t have a chance to begin with and then you gave her the crooked grin and looked through your lashes at her. That was almost cruel.”
“Is there anything you don’t notice?” I wondered rhetorically, as the pieces of my dilemma fell into place. Maybe I wouldn’t have to tell Bella what I was at all. Maybe she would be able to guess it? I was suddenly unexplainably hopeful. She was able to put together the details of my mind reading and accept it without any reservations. Maybe the same would happen with my nature. I reached out for her hips and hoisted her over my shoulder, grabbing her crutches before they even had a chance to hit the ground.
“What the fuck are you doing Edward?” Bella laughed. “Put me down.”
“No,” I proclaimed. “You’re dizzy remember? I am only making sure you get to the car safely.”
“People are going to see,” she whispered, still giggling. I didn’t care who saw.
“Let them look…and I’ll give them something to look at,” I told her, playfully swatting her behind. I jammed the crutches at the door and pushed it open. Every step I took felt lighter as she laughed softly in my ear. This was the life I wanted, a physical connection to Bella and the opportunity to make her happy. There was no better thing I could imagine.
When I got to the Volvo I let her slide down off my shoulder and sat her on the trunk of the car, pushing myself between her knees so I could be closer to her. “What is up with you Edward?” she demanded. “A few minutes ago you were withdrawn and upset and now you’re carefree and playful. What gives?”
“It’s you,” I told her, wrapping my arms around her torso. “I get you all to myself now and I refuse to waste even a moment more worrying about anything else but us.”
“Nothing else matters,” she whispered sincerely.
“Nothing else matters,” I echoed her softly. “You and me and nothing else.”
*****
As I drove I tried to organize my thoughts and prepare myself for the coming conversation. It was difficult not to get swept away in Bella and forget the reason for the afternoon. Above everything else, even my own fear of losing her, I was afraid of hurting her. She was finally happy and she deserved happiness after all the loss in her life. I hated that I might take it away from her. I thought of the fierce loyalty in her eyes when she told me she loved me, and felt undeserving again. It was a strange position to be in, to hold the happiness of the one you love in your hands and be unable to protect it. My love had brought her happiness but could also cause its ruin.
I was very uncreative and rather predictable in my choice of picnic sites. The forest clearing meant something to me and to Bella and we both felt happy there so it seemed like the right fit for us today. I hadn’t packed much, just a few odds and ends with Alice’s help since I hadn’t paid very good attention to what Bella liked to eat. Bella seemed neither surprised nor disappointed when I pulled the car over. I scooped the blanket and basket from the trunk on my way around to Bella’s door. She already had it opened but waited for me to help her out. “Did you want to walk?” I asked.
“Do you mind if I do it without the crutches? I’ll be slow,” she warned me.
“Not at all. If you get too tired I can always help you.”
“I don’t think I’ll get tired. The ground is so soft that the crutches will just sink.” I offered my hand and pulled her from the car when she accepted it. She laced her tiny fingers through mine and looked up at me. “Will you hold my hand?” she asked shyly.
“Of course,” I assured her, lightly kissing her hand. We walked slowly through the long grass as Bella limped unevenly, labouring to pull her cast. “Are you sure you wouldn’t rather me carry you?”
“I’m sure. The walk feels good.” Her eyes were clear and unworried when I looked down into them, reassuring me and reigniting my hope that this afternoon could somehow work out in my favour. I rubbed my thumb along the edge of her tiny hand soothingly as we walked, conveying I was in no rush and encouraging her to take her time.
Once we reached the clearing I spread out the thick blanket and laid the basket down in one corner while I watched Bella sprawl out comfortably. She seemed so at ease that I couldn’t decide if her ease should give me confidence that she could handle my news or if she would be more like a deer caught in the headlights once she figured it out. I peeked into the basket. “Are you hungry?”
“A little. I didn’t eat much at lunch. Then again, neither did you,” she pointed out sarcastically. I pulled out the container of strawberries and opened the lid, passing the container across to Bella, and settled down on to the blanket, mirroring Bella’s reclined position. She pulled the container up to her nose and inhaled deeply. “They smell so good.” She held the container out for me to smell. I held my hand up to her to politely refuse. “You have to smell them,” she insisted. “You’re not going to make me crawl all the way over there are you?” She knew she had me with her plea but she smiled sweetly at me anyway. I shifted across the blanket towards her and leaned in to smell them. They were sweet and pungent, but held no appeal for me. I smiled softly at her, hoping to mask my lack of reaction. “Don’t they smell delicious?”
“I don’t think they smell nearly as lovely as you,” I told her honestly, although perhaps given my news it was completely the wrong sentiment.
“Shut up,” she scolded, smacking my arm with her hand. Her cheeks turned crimson and I couldn’t stop myself from reaching out and stroking them.
“When are you going to be able to take a compliment without blushing?” I wondered quietly.
“Never,” she stated flatly, looking down into her lap.
“That suits me fine. I like it when you blush.” I watched her fingers move to the container of strawberries and pick one up. She brought it to her mouth and I was mesmerized by the way her lips pouted out around the berry as she bit into it. I’d never really put much effort into watching her eat before. It seemed so obvious to watch her do something that I didn’t do, like some kind of red flag to alert her to my behaviour. I was less inhibited today, given the conversation that I planned. It was rather enjoyable, almost sensual to watch her eat.
“Do you want some?” she wondered, holding the strawberry out to me. I hesitated, half curious if it could taste anywhere near as good as the way she made it look. Instead, I leaned in and kissed her juice stained lips, sucking softly on her bottom lip to remove the sticky sweet residue and turning myself on further in the process.
“I prefer to eat my strawberries like that,” I informed her in a low tone, hoping she enjoyed my efforts enough to not put the question to me again. I didn’t want to have to lie to her.
“I think strawberries will be my new favourite food then, and I will share them with you at every meal,” she declared with a wicked glint in her eyes. “Since you never seem to eat any other time.”
“Does it bother you that I don’t eat very often?”
“Bother me? Why would it bother me?” she asked, taking another bite of strawberry and momentarily distracting me.
“We are unalike in many ways. Eating is only one of them.”
“So?” she shrugged. I should have expected her indifference but I hadn’t. I was counting on her observations to guide the conversation.
“You don’t find it curious that I don’t eat?”
“Sure, but I just figured you must like to eat at home or some shit, like maybe a phobia about eating in public places, or high school cafeterias.” I smiled at her theory. She’d obviously thought about it and it pleased me that she had and didn’t care. Again I found myself hoping.
“What if there was some other explanation for it?” I wondered.
“As long as you’re healthy and happy then it doesn’t much matter.” I let my hand trail along the back of her hand, tickling her skin with my fingertips.
“Have you ever wondered about the ways we are different?”
“Of course…you’re a boy, I’m a girl,” she chuckled.
“True,” I allowed, smirking at her. “There is a definite difference between our sexes, but I was referring to something that wasn’t quite so obvious.”
“What then? Did you need to hear that you’re ridiculously good looking, because yeah, I’ve noticed that too,” she laughed.
“No,” I laughed. “Other physical differences, like the temperature of my skin for instance?”
“So?” she shrugged. “What are you getting at Edward?”
“My cold skin doesn’t bother you?”
“I told you before that it doesn’t. I’m too warm. You’re too cold. Who gives a crap?”
“Your skin is warm and soft and inviting,” I told her quietly, allowing my hand to drift down her body to her hip. My eyes moved from her face down to my hand, seeking permission. When she nodded, I slid my hand under her jacket, pushing aside the fabric of her t-shirt until I made contact with her skin. “So warm and soft,” I repeated in a murmur. “Mine isn’t.”
“I don’t care,” she affirmed. “I like you just the way you are.”
“How do you see my skin?”
“It’s just skin Edward.”
“Describe it for me please,” I pleaded softly.
“Well…” she paused, thinking about my questions. “Your skin is muscular…and cool,” she informed me reverently. I didn’t understand her tone.
“And pale,” I added.
She snorted delicately. “I don’t give a shit about that. I’m pale too.”
“Pale, yes, but not hard and cold.” I pulled myself up to sitting and shrugged off my coat. She wasn’t following my thoughts so I was going to have to show her. I let my hand drift to the placket of my shirt and undo the top few buttons. Her eyes were stuck on my fingers as they eased each button out of the buttonhole. “My skin isn’t like yours,” I whispered, finishing the last couple of buttons looking down, feeling ashamed of what I was. I let my shirt fall open.
“Wow,” she whispered, gaping at my bare chest. I felt exposed and compunctious and uneasy as I waited for her to stop staring and tell me what she was thinking. “Can I touch it?”
“Touch it?” I asked, confused. She’d touched my skin before. She knew how unnatural it was. I watched her as she sat up and wiggled towards me with her hand out stretched. Her tiny fingers glossed over my skin, pushing my shirt open further.
“Lay down,” she murmured softly, her eyes still stuck on my chest.
“Bella,” I complained.
“Please?” she pressed. I didn’t understand what she was after but gave her what she was asking, lying down on my back. She crawled over to me and then hiked her leg over my body so that she was straddling me.
“Bella, your leg,” I warned, worried she might hurt herself.
“I’m fine,” she whispered, dropping her body onto mine, and resting her weight on my hips. I wasn’t sure if the placement of her body was on purpose or not, but she had me pinned in a rather ungentlemanly position. I wouldn’t be able to hide my reaction to her if she continued turning me on like she did with the strawberries. Her hands slid out from her body and she caressed the skin of my stomach with her palms, slowly moving up my torso. I tried to concentrate on the conversation instead of the way her touch was making me feel.
“It’s so much harder and colder than your skin.”
“Edward, it’s perfect,” she whispered, letting her fingertips press into my flesh. I didn’t understand how she could see my skin as anything but repulsive in comparison to her own.
“It’s not natural,” I admitted shamefully.
“No, it’s not natural,” she agreed. “But I don’t know a man who wouldn’t kill to be this defined and muscular, or a woman who wouldn’t want this to touch.”
“Bella, you’re not hearing me. This skin…it’s not natural. There’s a reason it’s not like yours. I’m not like you…” I paused to gather my courage and Bella interrupted me.
“I don’t care Edward,” she explained, although I couldn’t comprehend how she couldn’t.
“You don’t care?” I demanded. “You don’t care what I am?” My tone was filled with disgust and disbelief.
“I think you’re perfect just the way you are. You’re even more attractive than I imagined you’d be,” she admitted shyly, letting her hands drift further up my body and slide my shirt partially off my shoulders. Her touch was electric as her warm fingers smoothed over my skin gently.
“Surely you see the differences Bella,” I challenged her, lowering my voice and trying to control the fear that threatened to squelch my efforts to be truthful. “I opened my shirt for a reason, to show you what you insist doesn’t exist. We are different Bella, and there’s a reason for that difference.”
“Why are you doing this Edward?” she asked quietly. Her calmness was almost eerie and I tried to reign in my intensity while her soft voice filled my ears. “We’ve talked about this, at least a little bit. I thought that you wanted to be with me.”
“I do want to be with you. That’s exactly why I’m doing this,” I justified, unable to keep my fear from creeping into my tone.
“Then be with me Edward. We don’t have to talk about it if it makes you uncomfortable. I’m ready. I don’t have any reservations. I’ve thought it through and I know what I want.” She paused, looking down through her lashes at me, as if the words themselves weren’t enough to put me over the edge. “I want you…I want to be with you and I’m not afraid.” I could tell how vulnerable she was feeling. I pushed myself off the blanket to sit up, resting my hands on her hips.
“Bella, look at me,” I implored.
“I am looking,” she whispered.
“No, really look at me,” I impugned. “Look past what you think you see and really see what’s there.”
“I see you, bare-chested and glorious…and I want to touch you.”
“Bella, please,” I insisted, my tone marred by frustration. “For just a minute, forget what you’re feeling and tell me what you see.”
“What I’m feeling? What the fuck is that supposed to mean? I thought we were both feeling it?”
“This isn’t about sex Bella, and before it can ever get to sex we need to have this conversation.”
Her lips pouted out petulantly before she gave in and tried to answer my question. “I see pale skin. I see a bare chest that I’d very much like to run my fingers across. I see a scant amount of hair just below your neck that requires my fingertip’s attention. I see your muscles, defined pecs and a rippled stomach.”
“Fine then, look at my face and tell me what you see!” She huffed and rolled her eyes, becoming more frustrated with each request I made.
“I see you. I see a mouth that’s not smiling but if it were you’d have a dimple right there.” Her tiny finger came out to softly touch my cheek. “I see angled cheekbones, and perfect lips that were created to kiss me, and thick groomed eyebrows, and long dark lashes that frame the most unique butterscotch coloured eyes, eyes that I know by heart.”
“And you’ve never wondered what makes them such an odd colour?”
“No,” she whispered, looking down.
“There’s a reason,” I affirmed.
“They’re your eyes and I love them. I don’t care what makes them the colour they are. Only that they are looking back at me and happy, not filled with worry like they are right now.”
“My eyes used to be green,” I whispered, hoping to impress upon her that this was not a natural eye colour.
“Oh,” she sighed sadly. “I didn’t know that…but I still don’t care.”
“Bella, please don’t be obtuse. I’m trying to get you to see something, to put the pieces together.”
“I’m not being obtuse,” she spat defensively. “I heard what you said about your eye colour.”
“You’re very observant. Surely you’ve noticed that they change colour…vary in darkness?”
“Everyone’s eyes do that. The colour is only a perception, based on illumination and the colours that surround them. Mine do it too.”
“No Bella,” I whispered, wanting to correct her further but afraid to hurt her.
“And eye colour changes with age, and puberty and even childbirth. I read a paper once written around the hypothesis that eye colour changes with somatic hormonal levels. The body is like a fucking test tube. We are constantly undergoing changes, millions of chemical reactions every day…” Her voice trailed off, filled with sadness, and she was quiet for a few moments. “If you don’t want me you could just say it you know?” she whispered. I pulled her chin up and forced her to look at me.
“This is not because I don’t want you,” I complained, louder than I intended before I got a hold of my frustration.
“Sorry,” she mumbled, embarrassed. “It’s…well…habit.”
“It’s a habit to insult yourself?”
“It’s never made sense to me that you would want this,” she told me in a small voice, shoulders hunched and eyes down, waving her hand down her body to illustrate what she meant.
“I’m sorry,” I sighed, upset with myself for losing my temper with her for even a moment. None of this was her fault. I was the one that couldn’t find the right words, the one who was still being controlled by my fear. “I didn’t mean to raise my voice like that. I love you Bella and that’s never going to change. And whether or not it makes sense to you, I do want you,” I explained softly, rubbing my thumb along her hipbone. “Today, tomorrow, and forever. I’m always going to want you. Do you think I’d be going through all of this if I didn’t want you?”
“Then don’t go through it,” she whispered. “If what you need to tell me is going to change what’s between us then I don’t want to know.” I could hear the fear in her voice now even though I wasn’t sure what had caused it, my intensity or some inkling of what might be coming.
“I need you to know this before we can be together,” I murmured painfully, knowing I would hurt her.
“Then I don’t want to be with you. I don’t need to have sex with you to be happy. I just want things to stay the way they are. Honestly, I don’t think I can handle any changes.”
“You don’t mean that. I understand that you’re afraid. I’m afraid too but what I need to tell you about is a part of me, part of who I am, but only a part. If you can accept it then there is nothing that could ever hurt us again.”
“But this could hurt us?” she asked with wide frightened eyes. “Whatever it is that you think you need to share with me could hurt us?”
“It might, yes,” I admitted as my voice cracked on the honesty of my words.
“Then I don’t want to know.”
“Bella, be serious.”
“I am being serious. I’ve experienced enough adversity to last a lifetime. I won’t risk us. I’d rather live in ignorance than know something that might change what we have.”
“Don’t you think we need to keep moving forward?”
“No. We can stay right here in this very moment…where I love you enough to give myself to you and you love me enough to protect me from something that will hurt me.”
“Bella, if there was any way around this then I would take it. I don’t want to hurt you.”
“Then don’t.”
“But this is part of who I am. I can’t change it any more than I can hide it from you any longer. I want you to know all of me, no secrets or hiding.”
“I know all I need to know Edward.”
“That’s not true. If you knew this then it might change the way you see things. It might make you second guess being with me intimately, or being in love with me at all.”
“Then I really don’t want to know,” she contended firmly. “Why are you doing this Edward? Do you want to push me away? Are you trying to scare me? Aren’t you happy with me?” The obvious strife in her voice was excruciating.
“Of course not.” I brought a hand up to her face and stroked her cheeked, hoping to convey my sincerity and soothe her a small amount. “I would never purposefully push you away or scare you. You are my happiness.”
“Then don’t do this.” She pushed back from my body and I was instantly panicked. My eyes were stuck on her, watching her as she awkwardly pulled at the sleeves of her coat until she was able to get herself free of it. Her wary eyes held mine for a moment before the movement of her hands caught my attention. I watched her hands move to her hem and clumsily pull her t-shirt over her head. “Then don’t do this,” she repeated in a meek whisper, pulling herself to my body. She tucked her head under my chin, laying her cheek on my skin, and pressed her body into my chest. “Just love me,” she entreated piteously.
I couldn’t even allow myself a moment to enjoy her warmth against my skin, grabbing at my coat and gently pushing her body away from me in the process. I wrapped the coat around her body the best I could to shield her. “Bella, there is no privacy here,” I warned modestly. “People might see you.”
She frenetically pulled her body back to mine, again tucking her head under my chin. “I don’t care,” she whispered into my chest. I suddenly realized she was hiding from me purposely.
“Bella look at me,” I pleased softly, grasping at her cheeks and easing her face up towards mine as she half-heartedly fought me. “I do love you. I want to make love to you. Please believe me. I just don’t want anything to come between us. That’s why I want you to know everything before we take this step, so you can’t look back someday regretfully.”
“There’s nothing you could say that would make me change my mind.”
“Then you shouldn’t be afraid to hear what I have to say.”
“No, I meant that I’ve made my mind up. I don’t need any more information to make the decision. It’s made, so please don’t wreck this. Please don’t take this away from me.”
“I’m not trying to wreck this or take anything away…” She didn’t let me finish, pushing her lips against mine as I spoke, wrapping her tiny arms around my neck and pressing herself into my chest. I couldn’t ignore the warmth of her skin against mine, or the sensuality it created. I couldn’t ignore the way her supple lips pouted against mine desperately or the immediate flood of want I felt when her hands touched my neck. Against my will my arms wrapped around her waist and pulled her to me and I moaned into her kiss. Her tongue pushed against my lips and I fought with everything I had against my desire to give her what she wanted. She whimpered and ground down on my hips, using every point of contact between our bodies to press intimately against me. “Bella,” I begged desperately, “stop. You’re not playing fairly.” Her tiny hands tangled into my hair and she pushed my mouth back to hers to stop me from talking, taking advantage of my speaking by pushing her tongue into my open mouth. I was losing control. Between my want and my frustration I couldn’t reign in my reaction to her. The only thing I had left was my will. “Bella, please,” I urged, murmuring into her kiss. “This can’t happen until we talk.” Again she ground down on me, seeking what I could not grant her. I needed a more controlled environment than this situation offered to ensure her safety. I wanted to give her more tenderness than the scant amount of privacy the clearing would allow. I had no way out of this situation without hurting her and I knew she wouldn’t listen to further reasoning. I exerted my physical strength with the last bit of control I possessed. I released my hold on her waist and clasped her cheeks firmly, easing her back from our kiss. “Not like this Bella.”
“Fine,” she spat. “Not like this…not ever.” Her voice was angry and unforgiving, and even though I expected it I felt the pain of it like a stab to my heart. I did not release her cheeks even though she struggled against my hands.
“I know you’re angry and that you feel hurt, but my only concern is you. Please understand that this is something I want very badly but can’t take in good conscience without full disclosure. I know how you value honesty, and I respect you and what you stand for. There are things that are out of my control…things I wish I could change…but I just can’t. It wouldn’t be fair of me to make love to you until you know everything.”
“Let go of me please,” she asked apathetically. She was pulling back from me, retreating into her defensive walls to protect herself from further hurt.
“Bella, I love you. I’m not rejecting you. I’m simply asking for some patience.”
“Fine, you have my patience,” she sighed, “Since it’s the only thing I can give that you really want.”
“You know that’s not true. I want all of you, not just your patience,” I murmured softly, knowing my words would fall on deaf ears. Her hurt would never allow her to hear me and believe me.
“Please let go of me,” she asked again. Her defeat was palpable. I leaned in and kissed her lips softly before releasing her cheeks from between my palms. There was no spirit in her kiss, no verve in her lips. She kissed me because she had to, like I was no one special, merely as a means to give me what I wanted so that I might grant her what she wanted.
“Bella, I love you,” I whispered sincerely.
“I know. I’d like to go home now please. My leg hurts from sitting like this.” She shrugged out of the makeshift cover-up of my jacket and reached for her t-shirt. I watched her, willing her to look at me but her eyes never looked in my direction. She pulled her t-shirt over her head haphazardly, yanking her hair from the neck hole and letting it fall forward to hide her flushed cheeks from me.
“Would you like me to carry you?”
“No thank you.” I offered my hand to her as she lifted herself out of my lap but she did not take it. She grabbed her jacket off the blanket and began walking towards the car, pulling the jacket on as she walked. I quickly buttoned my shirt and put on my jacket, gathering up the basket and blanket, and rushed to her side. I slipped my hand around hers to hold it as we had on the way. She stiffened minutely, glancing at me sideways unhappily.
“Is it okay if I hold your hand?” I asked.
“Sure,” she replied uneasily. That was the end of our conversation. Though I tried to engage her on the way home and reopen the subject I’d been trying to broach all afternoon, she remained detached and aloof. She let me hold her hand in the car but there was none of the comfort and assuagement that she normally gave me. When I kissed her hand softly she glanced sideways and half smiled. When I told her I loved her again she repeated that she knew I loved her. I could practically feel her folding in on herself.
Her hand was on the door handle when I pulled into the school parking lot. I knew I had to take a risk so I decided to show her my speed. She started to open her door but before she had it open I was there beside her, offering my hand. “How did you…you were over there?”
“It’s another of our differences Bella…one of the things I’ve been trying to talk to you about.”
“Oh,” she sighed. “Right.” Her voice sounded impossibly more defeated. When I turned my back to her to get her crutches out of the back seat, she unlocked her truck and got in, slamming the door behind her. I tapped lightly on the window and pointed to her crutches. She rolled the window down reluctantly. “You can just shove them in the truck bed,” she instructed me.
“Can I follow you home?”
“No, that’s okay. I’ll be fine,” she assured me.
“It would make me feel better,” I admitted.
“Edward, I really need to be by myself.” I knew it was hard for her to admit that to me.
“Please don’t pull away Bella. I know I hurt you but I didn’t mean to. Please just give me a chance to explain?”
“I’m not pulling away. I just need some time to think. I wouldn’t want to say something in anger that I’d regret later.” I couldn’t help but feel her words were just an excuse to get her away from me, even if there was truth in them.
“Can I call you later then?”
“Sure.”
Again I told her I loved her and she told me she knew. “You don’t want to say it back to me?” I asked softly, wanting desperately to get through the walls she was putting up.
She chewed unconsciously on her lip and then her eyes shot to mine. “I love you too.” She looked away quickly but not before I saw the tears in her eyes. I froze for a moment, unsure of what to do. If I tried to stop her it would only make her feel more vulnerable and perhaps more angry. I didn’t want that. She used my hesitation to gun her truck’s engine and take off. Her hurt was much deeper than I’d predicted and I had to find a way to make her listen to me and somehow make up for the hurt I’d unintentionally caused. I got in the Volvo and headed towards her house. Whether she wanted to or not, we were going to figure this out together.
A/N: Reviews are love!!!