Forever & Ever 22
Title: Forever & Ever (Miseinen Sequel)
Author: Zion Shadowlet
Beta: butterflysaga(the bitch)
Characters: Aoi, Uruha, Ruki, Reita, Kai and many OCs (Fuwa etc.)
Pairing: Aoi/Uruha and more~
Genre: Drama, Romance, Friendship, Comedy
Rating: NC17
Summary: Six years have passed since the summer at the Dazai Bright Future Retreat for Troubled Children. The boys meet in an unexpected way perhaps bound by fate in the underground world of Visual Kei. With broken hearts and promises; the boys-now young men look to regain some of what they lost by the wild and reckless pursuit of the same dream.
Previous Parts: Part 1.1 | Part 1.2 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4.1| Part 4.2| Part 5| Part 6| Part 7.1| Part 7.2| Part 8.1| Part 8.2| Part 9| Part 10| Part 11| Part 12| Part 13| Part 14| Part 15| Part 16| Part 17| Part 18| Part 19| Part 20| Part 21
Reita waited for Ruki outside of the venue, a thin white cigarette in his hand. It wasn’t that he was late-Ruki was rarely if ever late, Reita however, was early. He sat around the house all day, playing the bass and watching television. Kameyo was at work. He had wanted to hang out with Uruha and play some new video game that came out but he wasn’t answering his phone.
He took a drag and watched the fans enter the Silver Wolf. Most of them of course, were girls. Their conversations were sporadic and random. He could hear however them talking about Lie:Death and about the rumors about them getting signed soon. Reita, always the good friend, was happy to hear it. Things were certainly looking up for Kai.
“Hey,” Ruki said coming up to him. “Got another?” he asked pointing his chin at Reita’s cigarette.
“Last one but you can have the rest of this one,” he handed it to him.
Ruki took it from him and taking a drag from it gave him a short thanks. Reita had the bad habit of tonguing the filter and when Ruki had put it to his lips, his first sensation was of the spit dampened paper. It gave him a weird feeling as if smoking his cigarette were an intimate act.
“Show starts in 15 minutes?” He asked him.
Reita nodded. “Did you talk to Kai?”
“Yeah, he said that he will let us into the back when the concert is over.”
“Good.”
“How’s Kameyo?”
“She’s at work,” he shoved his hands into his jeans feeling a bit awkward talking about her to Ruki.
“Where does she work?”
“At a clothing store. One of those places that sell punk clothing and leather jackets.”
“I see,” Ruki finished off the cigarette and threw the bud away.
“How’s Fuwa?”
Ruki laughed and nodded as if to say he was good. “You should come by and visit him.”
“Maybe we’ll bring the rest of the guys.”
“Yeah, I think he’ll like that. We probably should be heading on in.”
“Yup, yup!” Reita cheered as if he were trying to pump himself up. “I can’t wait to see him play.”
“I’m sure he’s good,” Ruki said as he opened the door and walked into the dark little venue. There were fans everywhere standing about in high anticipation for the night’s show. There was an opening act and then Lie:Death.
“Wow, lots of people, eh?” Reita smiled and folded his arms. The two of them were standing in the back.
The opening band that came on was easily forgettable. They played only a couple of songs, were cheered and then left. 5 minutes later, Kai being the drummer was the first one of Lie:Death to cross the stage. He waved at the fans and gave them his characteristically cute and charming smile. All the girls in the crowd oohed and awwd at him.
Seeing him, Reita smacked Ruki’s arm like a mother proud of her son. “There he is,” he whispered excitedly. Ruki glancing at Reita smiled to himself, touched by his sweetness.
Finally the rest of the band came on. Yukio being the most popular member received the loudest and most enthusiastic cheers. Girls jumped up and waved their arms screaming out his name. He seemed however to be unaffected by it. He wore his black and white face makeup the way a mime might and yet he was as facially unexpressive as possible. He acted as if there were no people in the crowd. He picked up his guitar and finally acknowledging them waved.
“He’s intimidating,” Reita laughed uncomfortably.
“Just a bit,” Ruki agreed. He however wasn’t in awe of him like Reita was or like the others in the crowd. He glared at him with contempt. Of course, he knew about Yukio. Who didn’t at this point? And since Ruki was such close friends with Kai, he was well aware of Yukio’s hold on the other members and Ruki who still deep down in his heart wanted Kai in Gazette, despised him for it. Seething and powerless, Ruki wished that just for this moment, he could have magical powers. He would not refrain to use them against Yukio and wish for him to humiliate himself on stage: fall or mess up on a song. He narrowed his eyes at him and conjuring up all his negative feelings directed it at him in hopes that maybe if there was a slight chance that it would affect him somehow.
“One! Two! Three! Four!” Kai shouted out, calling out the time and slamming his drumsticks together. Once the song kicked in and the band started to play, it was enough to completely crush Ruki. They were great, ridiculously so. If he didn’t hate their existence to such a degree, he would have allowed himself to wonder at the fact that they were not yet signed.
“Wow,” Reita smiled and looked at Ruki.
All he could do in response was nod. “Yeah,” he said under his breath. But it didn’t matter; Reita was too busy watching the stage.
Ruki’s only consolation was that Kai seemed to be so concentrated on what he was doing that he was playing like a machine, staring forward without an expression. He had never seen him like that. He didn’t seem at all happy. At least with Gazette, they had fun, they goofed and played around. Maybe he was being cruel toward his friend then, being pleased with the fact that he seemed unhappy up there.
In one way, he felt that even though Lie:Death was so good, Gazette at least had the advantage of being interesting and fun up there. In another way, he was angry with Kai for staying with this band. Unlike the others, who all wanted him to succeed no matter who he was with, Ruki was low compared to them. Kai was supposed to be with Gazette because they were his friends. They were a brotherhood. It wasn’t about success or getting signed, it was about the freedom of being in a rock band. And Kai’s relationship with Lie:Death was anything but freedom. It was the antithesis of Ruki’s values. They were perfect, flawless, but most importantly cold. There was no blood, sweat or tears. No failing, no faltering. It was machine-made, perfect. There were no holes in their songs, no off notes, no awkward singing.
Kai shouldn’t be in this band, he said to himself. He should be with us.
Unable to bear it any longer, he quickly told Reita that he had to go to the washroom. Without waiting for him to say anything, he turned around and left the Silver Wolf, preferring to wait until the concert was over instead of watching.
***
The old man was somewhere in his late 70s and he stood barely 5 feet tall. He wore an old green gangly sweater and big reading glasses the size of two mangos; their wide clear shiny surfaces glimmered constantly and if you weren’t standing right in front of him, it was impossible to see his eyes. He stood in the middle of his apartment with his typical scowl on his face as he watched the two young men who lived down the hall carry up his new refrigerator.
His daughter had just come into some money-a bonus or something of that nature (didn’t quite matter since he didn’t understand any of that business mumbo jumbo anyhow) and she decided to help her cranky old Pa out and buy him some much needed new kitchen appliances. Of course, this was the extent of her filial piety-in fact, it was the only thing she did for her lonely old father. She never paid him a visit and she rarely called him and if she did, she made sure to do it during the times he had an event at the senior’s center or he had a doctor’s appointment that way she wouldn’t have to speak to him.
“Don’t crack the doorframe you dimwits!” he barked at the two young men.
“Trying not to!” the darker haired one shouted out. “If this thing doesn’t break my back first,” he grunted as he walked backward. “Uru, don’t push! You’re gonna squish me,” he cringed. His back was against the kitchen counter. The big white fridge resting horizontally was half way into the apartment looking like a massive baby being born.
“Tell me what you want me to do,” the other said.
“Well, you idiots, you need to enter at a goddamn angle,” the old man said. “So back the fuck up, Uru or whatever the hell your name is and then you,” he tapped Aoi on the shoulder. “Need to move to your left.” The two young men did as he said. “Now move.”
Once the fridge was inside the apartment, they set it vertically and taking a pause, caught their breath and tried to gather their strength.
“Pussies,” the old man shook his head.
“Grandpa, ya want to try?” The darker haired one joked.
“In my day, I could have carried that with one arm!” the old man laughed.
“Is this the last of it?” the other one asked.
“Yup. You already removed the piece of shit ice box so all you have to do is shove that one where the other was and plug it in.”
“Alright, Grandpa,” the darker haired one yawned.
“What’s your names anyhow?”
“I’m Aoi.”
“No, you fucktard. What’s your name not your goddamn pet name!”
Aoi laughed. “Shiroyama Yuu,” he bowed.
“Takashima Kouyou,” the other did the same.
“Miyajima,” the old man introduced himself. “Once that shit is in place, let me repay your sweat and tears with some nice whiskey, eh?”
“Sounds good,” Takashima chirped.
“He loves to drink,” Shiroyama smiled.
“Good. If he didn’t, I wouldn’t know what to give his skinny ass.”
Aoi and Uruha just wanting to finally finish, put the fridge where it needed to be and set it up. They had spent a good three hours removing and moving in the new appliances. Kumiko had asked them to do it when she came home. She always felt bad for the lonely old man down the hall and if they weren’t going to do it, he’d have to pay some high schoolers from downstairs and since he was so old and was no longer working, he didn’t have all the money in the world to spare. Besides, it would be nicer to have someone volunteer. At first, Uruha refused. He said it would be too much work but Aoi, giving him a dirty look and slapping his hand away from him angrily, convinced him to help out the poor old man.
The old man poured them some old whiskey. “Good work. You two work well together. Are you brothers?”
Uruha brought the glass to his lips and smelling it could tell right away that it was rather old and expensive. “No,” he answered. “How old is this?” he held the glass up in the air.
“Oh, I’ve had it around awhile. I’m a whiskey lover. Don’t ask me how old, I have no idea,” he waved him off as if it were no big deal.
Aoi took a drink of it. “Tastes great. Burns but its good.”
“So, the woman who lives there…”
“Kumiko? She’s my sister,” Takashima replied.
“And are you her boyfriend?” Miyajima asked Aoi.
“Um…” he wasn’t sure how he should reply. “No, I’m not.”
“So the why the fuck are you living there?” the old man wasn’t drinking any whiskey. At his age, he drank less and less. Instead, he just sat there as the two young men enjoyed theirs.
“Um…” Aoi turned and looked at Uruha, wondering if he should tell him or not. Uruha just stared at him blankly.
The old man could tell there was something up. “Well?” he asked again.
Since Aoi wasn’t replying to Miyajima’s question, Uruha answered “He’s with me.”
“What?”
“He’s my boyfriend,” Uruha clarified.
Miyajima, taken aback, stared at Takashima’s face for several seconds, wordless. “I see…” he said, sounding more like a scientist staring at something through his telescope. “I should have figured since you both have really long hair…”
Aoi laughed. “The hair has nothing to do with it. We are also in a rock band.”
“Rock band??
“Mhm. Our band is called Gazette and we both play guitar,” Aoi explained.
“I see…” he said much in the same way as he did before. “So you are two faggots that play rock music?”
“Um…well, we aren’t completely gay. I mean, I like women too I just…” Aoi coughed. “I just well, am in love with him,” he smiled awkwardly.
“Same here,” Uruha replied bluntly as he took another drink of his whiskey.
“That’s interesting…”
“You’re going to kick us out, right?” Aoi smirked bitterly. He assumed that since Miyajima was so old and he talked to them in that hyper manly guy way, cussing and bossing them around like a drill sergeant that he would reject them not only because they were rock musicians but were also in a homosexual relationship.
“Why? Because y’all a couple of dick suckers?”
“Well…yeah…”
“I don’t give a fuck,” the old guy replied. “I don’t see what you two boning has anything to do with me.”
Aoi laughed. “Well, thanks. I guess.”
“For what?”
“For being open-minded.”
“Open-minded? You mean for minding my own goddamn business?”
“Can I have more whiskey?” Uruha asked innocently. He didn’t much care for this conversation.
“Sure,” Miyajima poured him some more.
“Thank you,” he bowed slightly and quickly started to drink it.
“You know what does bother me though,” the old man said. “Those fucking perverts that make those dirty movies about school girls. Those people disgust me. Child molesters and rapists those people are,” he shook his head. “I would round all of them up on a boat and sink that shit like it was torpedo practice!” he laughed. “But that’s neither here nor there…” he sighed. “It’s getting late and you two are probably tired and hungry. If you ever want to come by and have a drink, you are more than welcomed to,” he said nicely. “But until then, get the hell out of my house. I want to take a nap.” He got to his feet. “Again, thank you for your help.”
“Thank you for the drink, Mr. Miyajima,” Uruha smiled happily and stood up.
“Yes, thank you,” Aoi said as he bowed and followed his boyfriend out of the old man’s apartment. As they headed down the hall, he remarked “He was unexpectedly cool.”
Inside, Uruha looking at the red blinking light on the phone realized that Reita and Ruki had called while they were out moving things. “I’d call them back but it’s kinda late,” he sighed.
“They probably think we were up to no good,” Aoi laughed and threw himself on the couch.
“So, we are together…” Uruha said as he hovered over the phone, looking down at the blinking red light. “You said that to our friends and now him…”
“We aren’t?”
“No,” Uruha looked up quickly. “That’s not it…I’m just…happy that you say that. I mean…I wasn’t expecting to have you like that. I mean I want to. I just didn’t think you would give me that-I don’t know what I’m saying. I’m just…happy…that’s all,” he mumbled.
“Ducky baby, I love you…more than anything,” he closed his eyes, feeling tired. He didn’t realize how exhausted he was. “Light of my life!” he yawned and announced in a semi-dramatic voice.
“Don’t go to bed,” Uruha said going over to the couch and standing over him.
“I’m tired, beautiful. Let me sleep…” he mumbled.
Uruha crawled onto of him and laid down on Aoi as if he were a bed of sorts. He rested his head on his chest. “Hoshisama,” he whispered and listened to the deep pounding of his heart beating in his chest. “I saw on television program that the stars you see in the sky aren’t even really there. Since light has to travel through space, the stars have already moved on. It’s weird…” he rambled. “You look up and what you are actually looking at is the past.”
“That is weird…” Aoi whispered.
“Stars are weird. It’s like they have always been there, you know? But then they aren’t and they will be…somewhere…I don’t know what I’m saying…I guess it’s just that you think there is something like time but there really isn’t. It’s like something in your mind,” he started playing with the fabric on Aoi’s shirt. “I guess what I mean is that forever seems like a long road but it isn’t…there isn’t a past, you know? Just a constant thing….Maybe I’m wrong…”
“Uruha…”
“Yeah?”
“You’re crazy.”
“I know.” He was getting a bit tired of hearing it even though he knew that Aoi meant it in an endearing way.
“But I love you,” he smiled to himself.
“I love you too…”
“Are you on this rant because of my nickname?”
“Yeah…”
Aoi laughed. “Reminds me of that Luna Sea song…”
“Forever & Ever?”
“Yeah…”
“You always bring up that song. You brought that song up a long time ago back at the retreat…”
“That time you threw flowers at my face?” He laughed.
“Mhm…you love that song.”
“You don’t?”
“I do. Aoi?”
“Hm?” he was close to falling asleep. Uruha’s body pressed up against his was soothing.
“Tomorrow we have to go over those phrases on the song we were working on earlier. I don’t think you have that one part right, the part where you-”
“Okay,” he cut him off. “Quit talking and go to sleep.”
“Okay…” he was silent for several seconds. “It’s tricky that little part,” he said suddenly. He must have been thinking about it and unable to control himself, starting yapping once more.
“Uruha. Shut up.”
“Okay.”
Silence.
“You have to make sure that for the fingering it’s your pinky and not your ring finger.”
“Uruha. What does shut up mean?”
“Stop talking.”
“Well, then stop talking.”
Silence.
“Aoi?”
He exhaled frustrated. “What now?”
“I love you,” he laughed.
“No you don’t. If you loved me, you’d let me sleep.”
“But I’m crazy, remember?”
“Are you playing around with me?” Aoi could feel him suppressing a giggle.
Uruha suddenly slipped off of him and making his way in the dark to his bedroom, returned with a blanket. Lying onto of him as he had been before, brought the blanket around himself and Aoi. “Goodnight,” he said placing a kiss on Aoi’s chest.
“Goodnight.”
Leaving him alone finally, the two of them fell asleep.
***
Ruki had quickly gone back to say goodbye to Reita, telling him in soft fast whisper that he wasn’t feeling well and to apologize to Kai that he wasn’t going to meet him after the show. Reita had tried to stop him and ask him what was wrong but Ruki was too quick. Before he knew it, he had already left the venue.
The young man jammed his hands into his pockets and walked down the sidewalk as he dragged himself away from the Silver Wolf with Lie:Death and Kai and Reita and his wet cigarette filters. The sun setting around him; the cool spring night edging closer. It felt good being alone out on the city streets. Compared to the noisy concert hall, he could actually think straight.
Maybe it was ridiculous for him to want it all. But he did. It wasn’t enough to have all his friends back, to have Fuwa back-he wanted everything. He wanted them all to be in the same band. Even though he had convinced himself that Reita and Kameyo were good together and that he was happy that he was with her, someone that Ruki could even see himself with, he felt more anger at himself for compromising than any sense of pride at being mature and caring.
Perhaps he was selfish.
I don’t deserve this. That’s what he told Fuwa and he believed it. If anyone hated Matsumoto Takanori it was him. He knew the sort of person he was: relentless, unforgiving, selfish, domineering, vicious, angry. He didn’t deserve any of it. He didn’t deserve Fuwa and his love or his friends or the band.
But what made him really hate himself was when he went out searching for love. He despised that part of him more than anything. The part of him that made him call his father two weeks ago. And he hated himself even more for not saying anything when he picked up. “Hello? Hello?” he could hear his dad’s voice on the other line and he just stood there frozen like a pathetic child.
Are you still afraid of him? Ruki challenged himself. You scream and yell and fight but deep down because you’re afraid of him, you’ve already lost. And so you run away and change your name like that changes anything. Something strong can’t come from something weak. Didn’t you know? Or should we chalk that up with all the other things you don’t know about.
Who the hell are you anyway? Just some kid. Some hopeless random kid.
No. He wasn’t going to have any of it. He may be weak but he was relentless. He wasn’t just going to give in like that. Not to anyone and definitely not to himself.
He bit his bottom lip as he started walking faster and faster. Without realizing it, he was already heading back home to Fuwa.
You’ve got one last chance, he told himself. No ducking out, no quitting, no more compromise. You’ve got to take it all and to take it all, you’ve got to bet it all. From now on, you’re aren’t Takanori anymore. You’re Ruki and you’re an artist no something more than that. You aren’t a fucking piece of gallery work. Everything inside of you, that’s what this is: the anger, the love, the frustration, the ambition, the inspiration.
Give it all. Only then will you know what being alive really is.
And that’s what you need more than anything: to be alive.
“Ruki,” Fuwa said. He was heading out the door, his car keys in hand. “You’re home earlier than I thought.”
The young man merely smiled. “Fuwa,” he greeted him.
“You seem different…”
He looked down, his hair fell about his young face. “Good.”
Fuwa let out a soft sweet laugh. “Okay” he said and placed a kiss on his forehead. In the setting sun, they seemed to be enveloped in warm glow. Inside of it, the fire inside of the young man continued to burn. “I’ll be back soon. Should I get you some strawberries while I’m out?” he joked as he made his way to the car.
“I don’t need anything,” he laughed. “Oh, Fuwa,” he stopped him.
“Hm?”
“You know I love you, right?”
It was a bit unexpected. Fuwa smiled as he leaned onto the car door. “I love you too.” He stared at the young man’s face for several seconds feeling in that moment, a strong sense of peace before coming back to reality and saying in a playful voice “Now go upstairs and write brilliant songs.”
“I’ll try,” Ruki grinned.
[A/N Sorry for typos! I thought I went over it but I didn't go over it a second time like I usually do~]
Author: Zion Shadowlet
Beta: butterflysaga(the bitch)
Characters: Aoi, Uruha, Ruki, Reita, Kai and many OCs (Fuwa etc.)
Pairing: Aoi/Uruha and more~
Genre: Drama, Romance, Friendship, Comedy
Rating: NC17
Summary: Six years have passed since the summer at the Dazai Bright Future Retreat for Troubled Children. The boys meet in an unexpected way perhaps bound by fate in the underground world of Visual Kei. With broken hearts and promises; the boys-now young men look to regain some of what they lost by the wild and reckless pursuit of the same dream.
Previous Parts: Part 1.1 | Part 1.2 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4.1| Part 4.2| Part 5| Part 6| Part 7.1| Part 7.2| Part 8.1| Part 8.2| Part 9| Part 10| Part 11| Part 12| Part 13| Part 14| Part 15| Part 16| Part 17| Part 18| Part 19| Part 20| Part 21
Reita waited for Ruki outside of the venue, a thin white cigarette in his hand. It wasn’t that he was late-Ruki was rarely if ever late, Reita however, was early. He sat around the house all day, playing the bass and watching television. Kameyo was at work. He had wanted to hang out with Uruha and play some new video game that came out but he wasn’t answering his phone.
He took a drag and watched the fans enter the Silver Wolf. Most of them of course, were girls. Their conversations were sporadic and random. He could hear however them talking about Lie:Death and about the rumors about them getting signed soon. Reita, always the good friend, was happy to hear it. Things were certainly looking up for Kai.
“Hey,” Ruki said coming up to him. “Got another?” he asked pointing his chin at Reita’s cigarette.
“Last one but you can have the rest of this one,” he handed it to him.
Ruki took it from him and taking a drag from it gave him a short thanks. Reita had the bad habit of tonguing the filter and when Ruki had put it to his lips, his first sensation was of the spit dampened paper. It gave him a weird feeling as if smoking his cigarette were an intimate act.
“Show starts in 15 minutes?” He asked him.
Reita nodded. “Did you talk to Kai?”
“Yeah, he said that he will let us into the back when the concert is over.”
“Good.”
“How’s Kameyo?”
“She’s at work,” he shoved his hands into his jeans feeling a bit awkward talking about her to Ruki.
“Where does she work?”
“At a clothing store. One of those places that sell punk clothing and leather jackets.”
“I see,” Ruki finished off the cigarette and threw the bud away.
“How’s Fuwa?”
Ruki laughed and nodded as if to say he was good. “You should come by and visit him.”
“Maybe we’ll bring the rest of the guys.”
“Yeah, I think he’ll like that. We probably should be heading on in.”
“Yup, yup!” Reita cheered as if he were trying to pump himself up. “I can’t wait to see him play.”
“I’m sure he’s good,” Ruki said as he opened the door and walked into the dark little venue. There were fans everywhere standing about in high anticipation for the night’s show. There was an opening act and then Lie:Death.
“Wow, lots of people, eh?” Reita smiled and folded his arms. The two of them were standing in the back.
The opening band that came on was easily forgettable. They played only a couple of songs, were cheered and then left. 5 minutes later, Kai being the drummer was the first one of Lie:Death to cross the stage. He waved at the fans and gave them his characteristically cute and charming smile. All the girls in the crowd oohed and awwd at him.
Seeing him, Reita smacked Ruki’s arm like a mother proud of her son. “There he is,” he whispered excitedly. Ruki glancing at Reita smiled to himself, touched by his sweetness.
Finally the rest of the band came on. Yukio being the most popular member received the loudest and most enthusiastic cheers. Girls jumped up and waved their arms screaming out his name. He seemed however to be unaffected by it. He wore his black and white face makeup the way a mime might and yet he was as facially unexpressive as possible. He acted as if there were no people in the crowd. He picked up his guitar and finally acknowledging them waved.
“He’s intimidating,” Reita laughed uncomfortably.
“Just a bit,” Ruki agreed. He however wasn’t in awe of him like Reita was or like the others in the crowd. He glared at him with contempt. Of course, he knew about Yukio. Who didn’t at this point? And since Ruki was such close friends with Kai, he was well aware of Yukio’s hold on the other members and Ruki who still deep down in his heart wanted Kai in Gazette, despised him for it. Seething and powerless, Ruki wished that just for this moment, he could have magical powers. He would not refrain to use them against Yukio and wish for him to humiliate himself on stage: fall or mess up on a song. He narrowed his eyes at him and conjuring up all his negative feelings directed it at him in hopes that maybe if there was a slight chance that it would affect him somehow.
“One! Two! Three! Four!” Kai shouted out, calling out the time and slamming his drumsticks together. Once the song kicked in and the band started to play, it was enough to completely crush Ruki. They were great, ridiculously so. If he didn’t hate their existence to such a degree, he would have allowed himself to wonder at the fact that they were not yet signed.
“Wow,” Reita smiled and looked at Ruki.
All he could do in response was nod. “Yeah,” he said under his breath. But it didn’t matter; Reita was too busy watching the stage.
Ruki’s only consolation was that Kai seemed to be so concentrated on what he was doing that he was playing like a machine, staring forward without an expression. He had never seen him like that. He didn’t seem at all happy. At least with Gazette, they had fun, they goofed and played around. Maybe he was being cruel toward his friend then, being pleased with the fact that he seemed unhappy up there.
In one way, he felt that even though Lie:Death was so good, Gazette at least had the advantage of being interesting and fun up there. In another way, he was angry with Kai for staying with this band. Unlike the others, who all wanted him to succeed no matter who he was with, Ruki was low compared to them. Kai was supposed to be with Gazette because they were his friends. They were a brotherhood. It wasn’t about success or getting signed, it was about the freedom of being in a rock band. And Kai’s relationship with Lie:Death was anything but freedom. It was the antithesis of Ruki’s values. They were perfect, flawless, but most importantly cold. There was no blood, sweat or tears. No failing, no faltering. It was machine-made, perfect. There were no holes in their songs, no off notes, no awkward singing.
Kai shouldn’t be in this band, he said to himself. He should be with us.
Unable to bear it any longer, he quickly told Reita that he had to go to the washroom. Without waiting for him to say anything, he turned around and left the Silver Wolf, preferring to wait until the concert was over instead of watching.
***
The old man was somewhere in his late 70s and he stood barely 5 feet tall. He wore an old green gangly sweater and big reading glasses the size of two mangos; their wide clear shiny surfaces glimmered constantly and if you weren’t standing right in front of him, it was impossible to see his eyes. He stood in the middle of his apartment with his typical scowl on his face as he watched the two young men who lived down the hall carry up his new refrigerator.
His daughter had just come into some money-a bonus or something of that nature (didn’t quite matter since he didn’t understand any of that business mumbo jumbo anyhow) and she decided to help her cranky old Pa out and buy him some much needed new kitchen appliances. Of course, this was the extent of her filial piety-in fact, it was the only thing she did for her lonely old father. She never paid him a visit and she rarely called him and if she did, she made sure to do it during the times he had an event at the senior’s center or he had a doctor’s appointment that way she wouldn’t have to speak to him.
“Don’t crack the doorframe you dimwits!” he barked at the two young men.
“Trying not to!” the darker haired one shouted out. “If this thing doesn’t break my back first,” he grunted as he walked backward. “Uru, don’t push! You’re gonna squish me,” he cringed. His back was against the kitchen counter. The big white fridge resting horizontally was half way into the apartment looking like a massive baby being born.
“Tell me what you want me to do,” the other said.
“Well, you idiots, you need to enter at a goddamn angle,” the old man said. “So back the fuck up, Uru or whatever the hell your name is and then you,” he tapped Aoi on the shoulder. “Need to move to your left.” The two young men did as he said. “Now move.”
Once the fridge was inside the apartment, they set it vertically and taking a pause, caught their breath and tried to gather their strength.
“Pussies,” the old man shook his head.
“Grandpa, ya want to try?” The darker haired one joked.
“In my day, I could have carried that with one arm!” the old man laughed.
“Is this the last of it?” the other one asked.
“Yup. You already removed the piece of shit ice box so all you have to do is shove that one where the other was and plug it in.”
“Alright, Grandpa,” the darker haired one yawned.
“What’s your names anyhow?”
“I’m Aoi.”
“No, you fucktard. What’s your name not your goddamn pet name!”
Aoi laughed. “Shiroyama Yuu,” he bowed.
“Takashima Kouyou,” the other did the same.
“Miyajima,” the old man introduced himself. “Once that shit is in place, let me repay your sweat and tears with some nice whiskey, eh?”
“Sounds good,” Takashima chirped.
“He loves to drink,” Shiroyama smiled.
“Good. If he didn’t, I wouldn’t know what to give his skinny ass.”
Aoi and Uruha just wanting to finally finish, put the fridge where it needed to be and set it up. They had spent a good three hours removing and moving in the new appliances. Kumiko had asked them to do it when she came home. She always felt bad for the lonely old man down the hall and if they weren’t going to do it, he’d have to pay some high schoolers from downstairs and since he was so old and was no longer working, he didn’t have all the money in the world to spare. Besides, it would be nicer to have someone volunteer. At first, Uruha refused. He said it would be too much work but Aoi, giving him a dirty look and slapping his hand away from him angrily, convinced him to help out the poor old man.
The old man poured them some old whiskey. “Good work. You two work well together. Are you brothers?”
Uruha brought the glass to his lips and smelling it could tell right away that it was rather old and expensive. “No,” he answered. “How old is this?” he held the glass up in the air.
“Oh, I’ve had it around awhile. I’m a whiskey lover. Don’t ask me how old, I have no idea,” he waved him off as if it were no big deal.
Aoi took a drink of it. “Tastes great. Burns but its good.”
“So, the woman who lives there…”
“Kumiko? She’s my sister,” Takashima replied.
“And are you her boyfriend?” Miyajima asked Aoi.
“Um…” he wasn’t sure how he should reply. “No, I’m not.”
“So the why the fuck are you living there?” the old man wasn’t drinking any whiskey. At his age, he drank less and less. Instead, he just sat there as the two young men enjoyed theirs.
“Um…” Aoi turned and looked at Uruha, wondering if he should tell him or not. Uruha just stared at him blankly.
The old man could tell there was something up. “Well?” he asked again.
Since Aoi wasn’t replying to Miyajima’s question, Uruha answered “He’s with me.”
“What?”
“He’s my boyfriend,” Uruha clarified.
Miyajima, taken aback, stared at Takashima’s face for several seconds, wordless. “I see…” he said, sounding more like a scientist staring at something through his telescope. “I should have figured since you both have really long hair…”
Aoi laughed. “The hair has nothing to do with it. We are also in a rock band.”
“Rock band??
“Mhm. Our band is called Gazette and we both play guitar,” Aoi explained.
“I see…” he said much in the same way as he did before. “So you are two faggots that play rock music?”
“Um…well, we aren’t completely gay. I mean, I like women too I just…” Aoi coughed. “I just well, am in love with him,” he smiled awkwardly.
“Same here,” Uruha replied bluntly as he took another drink of his whiskey.
“That’s interesting…”
“You’re going to kick us out, right?” Aoi smirked bitterly. He assumed that since Miyajima was so old and he talked to them in that hyper manly guy way, cussing and bossing them around like a drill sergeant that he would reject them not only because they were rock musicians but were also in a homosexual relationship.
“Why? Because y’all a couple of dick suckers?”
“Well…yeah…”
“I don’t give a fuck,” the old guy replied. “I don’t see what you two boning has anything to do with me.”
Aoi laughed. “Well, thanks. I guess.”
“For what?”
“For being open-minded.”
“Open-minded? You mean for minding my own goddamn business?”
“Can I have more whiskey?” Uruha asked innocently. He didn’t much care for this conversation.
“Sure,” Miyajima poured him some more.
“Thank you,” he bowed slightly and quickly started to drink it.
“You know what does bother me though,” the old man said. “Those fucking perverts that make those dirty movies about school girls. Those people disgust me. Child molesters and rapists those people are,” he shook his head. “I would round all of them up on a boat and sink that shit like it was torpedo practice!” he laughed. “But that’s neither here nor there…” he sighed. “It’s getting late and you two are probably tired and hungry. If you ever want to come by and have a drink, you are more than welcomed to,” he said nicely. “But until then, get the hell out of my house. I want to take a nap.” He got to his feet. “Again, thank you for your help.”
“Thank you for the drink, Mr. Miyajima,” Uruha smiled happily and stood up.
“Yes, thank you,” Aoi said as he bowed and followed his boyfriend out of the old man’s apartment. As they headed down the hall, he remarked “He was unexpectedly cool.”
Inside, Uruha looking at the red blinking light on the phone realized that Reita and Ruki had called while they were out moving things. “I’d call them back but it’s kinda late,” he sighed.
“They probably think we were up to no good,” Aoi laughed and threw himself on the couch.
“So, we are together…” Uruha said as he hovered over the phone, looking down at the blinking red light. “You said that to our friends and now him…”
“We aren’t?”
“No,” Uruha looked up quickly. “That’s not it…I’m just…happy that you say that. I mean…I wasn’t expecting to have you like that. I mean I want to. I just didn’t think you would give me that-I don’t know what I’m saying. I’m just…happy…that’s all,” he mumbled.
“Ducky baby, I love you…more than anything,” he closed his eyes, feeling tired. He didn’t realize how exhausted he was. “Light of my life!” he yawned and announced in a semi-dramatic voice.
“Don’t go to bed,” Uruha said going over to the couch and standing over him.
“I’m tired, beautiful. Let me sleep…” he mumbled.
Uruha crawled onto of him and laid down on Aoi as if he were a bed of sorts. He rested his head on his chest. “Hoshisama,” he whispered and listened to the deep pounding of his heart beating in his chest. “I saw on television program that the stars you see in the sky aren’t even really there. Since light has to travel through space, the stars have already moved on. It’s weird…” he rambled. “You look up and what you are actually looking at is the past.”
“That is weird…” Aoi whispered.
“Stars are weird. It’s like they have always been there, you know? But then they aren’t and they will be…somewhere…I don’t know what I’m saying…I guess it’s just that you think there is something like time but there really isn’t. It’s like something in your mind,” he started playing with the fabric on Aoi’s shirt. “I guess what I mean is that forever seems like a long road but it isn’t…there isn’t a past, you know? Just a constant thing….Maybe I’m wrong…”
“Uruha…”
“Yeah?”
“You’re crazy.”
“I know.” He was getting a bit tired of hearing it even though he knew that Aoi meant it in an endearing way.
“But I love you,” he smiled to himself.
“I love you too…”
“Are you on this rant because of my nickname?”
“Yeah…”
Aoi laughed. “Reminds me of that Luna Sea song…”
“Forever & Ever?”
“Yeah…”
“You always bring up that song. You brought that song up a long time ago back at the retreat…”
“That time you threw flowers at my face?” He laughed.
“Mhm…you love that song.”
“You don’t?”
“I do. Aoi?”
“Hm?” he was close to falling asleep. Uruha’s body pressed up against his was soothing.
“Tomorrow we have to go over those phrases on the song we were working on earlier. I don’t think you have that one part right, the part where you-”
“Okay,” he cut him off. “Quit talking and go to sleep.”
“Okay…” he was silent for several seconds. “It’s tricky that little part,” he said suddenly. He must have been thinking about it and unable to control himself, starting yapping once more.
“Uruha. Shut up.”
“Okay.”
Silence.
“You have to make sure that for the fingering it’s your pinky and not your ring finger.”
“Uruha. What does shut up mean?”
“Stop talking.”
“Well, then stop talking.”
Silence.
“Aoi?”
He exhaled frustrated. “What now?”
“I love you,” he laughed.
“No you don’t. If you loved me, you’d let me sleep.”
“But I’m crazy, remember?”
“Are you playing around with me?” Aoi could feel him suppressing a giggle.
Uruha suddenly slipped off of him and making his way in the dark to his bedroom, returned with a blanket. Lying onto of him as he had been before, brought the blanket around himself and Aoi. “Goodnight,” he said placing a kiss on Aoi’s chest.
“Goodnight.”
Leaving him alone finally, the two of them fell asleep.
***
Ruki had quickly gone back to say goodbye to Reita, telling him in soft fast whisper that he wasn’t feeling well and to apologize to Kai that he wasn’t going to meet him after the show. Reita had tried to stop him and ask him what was wrong but Ruki was too quick. Before he knew it, he had already left the venue.
The young man jammed his hands into his pockets and walked down the sidewalk as he dragged himself away from the Silver Wolf with Lie:Death and Kai and Reita and his wet cigarette filters. The sun setting around him; the cool spring night edging closer. It felt good being alone out on the city streets. Compared to the noisy concert hall, he could actually think straight.
Maybe it was ridiculous for him to want it all. But he did. It wasn’t enough to have all his friends back, to have Fuwa back-he wanted everything. He wanted them all to be in the same band. Even though he had convinced himself that Reita and Kameyo were good together and that he was happy that he was with her, someone that Ruki could even see himself with, he felt more anger at himself for compromising than any sense of pride at being mature and caring.
Perhaps he was selfish.
I don’t deserve this. That’s what he told Fuwa and he believed it. If anyone hated Matsumoto Takanori it was him. He knew the sort of person he was: relentless, unforgiving, selfish, domineering, vicious, angry. He didn’t deserve any of it. He didn’t deserve Fuwa and his love or his friends or the band.
But what made him really hate himself was when he went out searching for love. He despised that part of him more than anything. The part of him that made him call his father two weeks ago. And he hated himself even more for not saying anything when he picked up. “Hello? Hello?” he could hear his dad’s voice on the other line and he just stood there frozen like a pathetic child.
Are you still afraid of him? Ruki challenged himself. You scream and yell and fight but deep down because you’re afraid of him, you’ve already lost. And so you run away and change your name like that changes anything. Something strong can’t come from something weak. Didn’t you know? Or should we chalk that up with all the other things you don’t know about.
Who the hell are you anyway? Just some kid. Some hopeless random kid.
No. He wasn’t going to have any of it. He may be weak but he was relentless. He wasn’t just going to give in like that. Not to anyone and definitely not to himself.
He bit his bottom lip as he started walking faster and faster. Without realizing it, he was already heading back home to Fuwa.
You’ve got one last chance, he told himself. No ducking out, no quitting, no more compromise. You’ve got to take it all and to take it all, you’ve got to bet it all. From now on, you’re aren’t Takanori anymore. You’re Ruki and you’re an artist no something more than that. You aren’t a fucking piece of gallery work. Everything inside of you, that’s what this is: the anger, the love, the frustration, the ambition, the inspiration.
Give it all. Only then will you know what being alive really is.
And that’s what you need more than anything: to be alive.
“Ruki,” Fuwa said. He was heading out the door, his car keys in hand. “You’re home earlier than I thought.”
The young man merely smiled. “Fuwa,” he greeted him.
“You seem different…”
He looked down, his hair fell about his young face. “Good.”
Fuwa let out a soft sweet laugh. “Okay” he said and placed a kiss on his forehead. In the setting sun, they seemed to be enveloped in warm glow. Inside of it, the fire inside of the young man continued to burn. “I’ll be back soon. Should I get you some strawberries while I’m out?” he joked as he made his way to the car.
“I don’t need anything,” he laughed. “Oh, Fuwa,” he stopped him.
“Hm?”
“You know I love you, right?”
It was a bit unexpected. Fuwa smiled as he leaned onto the car door. “I love you too.” He stared at the young man’s face for several seconds feeling in that moment, a strong sense of peace before coming back to reality and saying in a playful voice “Now go upstairs and write brilliant songs.”
“I’ll try,” Ruki grinned.
[A/N Sorry for typos! I thought I went over it but I didn't go over it a second time like I usually do~]