Out of Choices - Chapter 32
Title: Out Of Choices
Chapter 32: Connection (Previous Chapters: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19.1, 19.2, 20, 21, 22.1, 22.2, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32)
Author:JCAddict/picklewinkle/Sher
Fandom: Twilight
Word Count:6,729
Rating: R/M, for sex and language
Story Summary: An angry young woman is forced to move to the town of Forks, Washington and decides that alone is the best way to be. She buries her heart under her anger and puts on a tough façade that very few people are able to break through. Can the love of a teenage vampire get through to the lost girl inside, even when his true nature is revealed? AU (alternative universe) and OOC (out of character). Bella is uber OOC. Edward, not so much.
Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight and all of its characters. I'm just manipulating them like imaginary playdoh so I feel like I have some power over them **snorts**
32. Connection
A/N: Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight. I own a copy of Twilight, but nothing more than that.
I appreciate the heartfelt feedback on the last chapter. You guys are awesome! I think I've caught up on all the reviews. Go me! I was more behind than I realized so I'm pleased that I've caught up. We went over 700 reviews with the last chapter. Yay! **booty dance** Anything else I need to say? Oh yes, that pesky rating thing. Do you remember way back on December 9th when I gave this story an M rating, well I'm going to earn it this chapter.
She’d cried so much I was amazed she could gather the focus to look at me with such emotion when she finally rolled over to face me. “I love you,” she whispered, her eyes so tender and devoted. With everything she’d just shared with me there was no doubt in my mind how much I meant to her. “I can’t lose you.” Her voice was overflowing with fear. I knew I needed to tell her what I was so that I could fully explain that losing me was something she never had to be afraid of, but something just felt off. Instead of facing my fear of losing her, I was being ruled by it, still fighting speaking the truth. Her lips were tense and dire when she pressed them to mine and silenced the words I was struggling with. I froze. I didn’t want to push her away in her already fragile state but the truth was like poison on my tongue, threatening to take me under if I didn’t speak it. I vacillated for a few moments, trying to figure out how to pull away without hurting her, but before I could decide, she pulled away from me with fresh tears and I’d hurt her without meaning to. “Did I lose you already, because of what I am? Because of what I can’t handle?”
“You will never lose me,” I said quietly, trying to mask my anxiety. Again I tried to tell the truth, “I…” but Bella interrupted me.
“But I’ve upset you?” she rasped, scrubbing the tears that ran down her cheeks with her hands.
“No,” I assured her, but I couldn’t hide the fear in my voice as I willed the truth to come out.
“You didn’t kiss me…” She looked incredibly hurt and entirely fragile and I knew I’d done the wrong thing in not kissing her back, and in not being honest. I felt so many conflicting emotions. My delay in telling her the truth would cause her more hurt when she finally learned it. The postponement was born innocently enough. I had to wait to tell her until I was sure I could trust her, but then my fear of losing her overcame my sense. I’d waited too long now. Surely she of all people could understand that it was fear of losing her that drove me to keep the secret as long as I had, couldn’t she?
“It’s not that Bella, I…” I was still caught up in finding the softest way to break the news to her, still resisting that there was no easy way to give her the truth, and the words wouldn’t come.
“Please don’t take you love away from me because I’m a coward. I’m trying, honestly. I just need some time.” Something inside of me broke when her words hit my ears. I felt feeble and caddish to have allowed my behaviour to make her feel that way. I was ashamed of myself, but before I could speak she kissed me again, sweet and longingly. I fought with myself, knowing I should just stop kissing her and be truthful so that we might both find the relief we needed, but I couldn’t risk hurting her again by pulling away. She was so vulnerable. I kissed her softly, trying to mirror the contact of her lips, but I had no doubt that if I knew I was holding back, she knew too. She pulled away from me and I could see the desperation in her beautiful eyes. “I just can’t fathom taking a risk that even has the potential to take you from me.”
In that moment I knew that I’d done everything wrong that day. In trying to break my nature to her gently, all I’d managed to do was awaken her fear of losing me and precipitate the horror of reliving the loss of her mother as her only way of showing me how important I was to her. She was controlled by her fear and understandably so. She’d been knocked down too many times along the way to believe that things could work out for her, and I understood the fear that drove her to ask for my patience. I couldn’t deny her the time to deal with her fear over putting our relationship at risk even if I wanted to, and I didn’t want to. I risked losing her whether I told her my secret or not. There was nothing that was easy about the entire situation save for one thing, giving Bella some time to believe in herself.
“I’m not going anywhere Bella,” I promised. I wanted her to know that this was under her control now. When she wanted to know the truth, I would tell her. If she wanted to live in ignorance, then I would live with that too. I was selfish in many ways, but for her emotional well-being, I could be selfless. I would risk my happiness to spare her more despair. I would not be the one to drive her back into the darkness of loss.
I leaned in and kissed her decidedly, trying to show her the change in my resolution without giving her the words themselves. I loved her. I wanted her to feel that love.
“I just need some time to find my way.” Her emotional plea was ghosted against my lips in the most vulnerable voice. She didn’t believe that I would give her the time she wanted. I covered her mouth with mine and kissed her more deeply to convey that she had her time, as much or as little as she required, and to reaffirm that I wasn’t going anywhere, that I was right beside her where I wanted to be, where I would always be as long as she allowed it.
“I know,” I mumbled, barely removing my lips from her mouth. My anxiety had transformed to urgency as I tried to show her that I understood what she was trying to explain and that she didn’t need to be afraid any longer. I pulled her body to mine, although I was no longer sure if I did it for her or myself. I only knew that I needed the connection to her to abate the growing desperation.
“I just need some time to believe,” she entreated, pressing her body into mine. Instead of relief, the contact made me feel more emotional. It was becoming more difficult to break the connection of our lips whenever one of us pulled back to speak. Her kiss was like my oxygen and I needed her to breathe.
“I will show you,” I insisted, before her lips came back at mine. Her kiss was driven and intense. I pulled back reluctantly to finish my thought. “I know we’re strong enough to withstand this.”
“It’s not you, it’s me. This is all me. My faith isn’t like yours. I have faith in what I can reach out and touch. I have faith in you.”
“And I have faith in you, and faith in us.” My lips went to hers again. I couldn’t stay away from her. I wanted so badly to give her the faith she lacked, to show her that our love was strong. I felt her tongue flicking along my lips and pulled back from her one last time. “I will make you believe in us the way I believe.”
“Make me believe.” Her soft plea took me under, hitting my brain and setting me off in a hundred ways. I could make her believe. I could show her my love, really show it to her, and not hold back, and let her feel every bit of emotion and connection she brought out in me. I loved her more than enough to try and make her believe.
I pressed my mouth to hers, taking the contact I was aching for and using the urgency I was drowning in to focus my emotions. Instead of suppressing the sensuality of her kiss, I revelled in it, taking her bottom lip into my mouth and sucking on it gently. Instead of deferring or resisting the delectation, I let myself enjoy the softness and suppleness of her lips, so unlike my own, so yielding and feminine. She held a power of me, even with something as simplistic as a kiss. There was something in me that she could call and command and I would always let her. I didn’t care if she held sway over me. I only wanted to please her.
I pushed my tongue between her lips, wordlessly pleading to deepen the kiss. She opened her mouth and plunged her tongue out to meet mine, pressing against it with passion and indulgence. Her intensity took my breath away and procured my hope that my emotions were getting through to her. I moaned softly against her perfect pink lips, completely enchanted by her response. She was right there in the moment with me, not lost in her head, but feeling every thing I was feeling, and sharing in the connection.
I tightened my grip on her body, feeling the delicate curve of her waist beneath my fingertips and her hipbone under my palm. My hand slid along it, unconsciously searching out her skin. I was already ahead of myself but I couldn’t deny that I wanted more. I didn’t feel the normal inhibition or the need to pull back. My fingers played in the fabric, looking for the hem of her shirt, and when the nap and texture of the fibres finally registered, I froze. She wasn’t clothed; she was in her peignoir. I had been so caught up in worry when I entered her room; my only thought was of her well-being. I’d heard the shower. I knew she was in there. I’d seen her come out with damp hair wearing the robe, but it wasn’t until the moment when I felt her beneath my fingertips that I realized there was a high likelihood that underneath her peignoir she wore nothing at all. I groaned uncontrollably. My mind flooded with images I’d only dreamed of, and heightened my arousal.
I pulled back from her mouth, trailing kisses along her jawbone and down past her ear. With my nose tucked into her neck her scent was, for the briefest of moments, overwhelmingly tempting despite feeling in complete control of myself. I must have hit a sensitive spot on her neck with my kiss because Bella pushed her body further into mine and brought her tiny hand up to my hair. It was all the contact I needed, just one simple caress of the back of my head, to refocus me on loving her. Whether she understood it or believed it, she knew my desires as if she could read my mind. It only made me appreciate further how perfectly matched we were.
I nudged the collar of her robe with my nose and buried my lips in the bare skin I exposed. A thrill ran through me when my lips contacted her collarbone and she raised her body off the bed towards me offering me better access. I’d scarcely even seen that part of her. I had no idea how entirely erogenous that area was for her and every little sound and movement she made as I kissed her there enamoured me further. I always knew she was susceptible to my physical touch but it was still a wonder to see it unfold before my eyes in such a powerful and determinate way.
I let one hand wander up from her waist, caressing her back and curling it around her shoulder softly. It was no surprise to me that I wanted more. I always wanted more. My fingers grasped at the fabric in a less than subtle manner, finessing it aside until her shoulder was bare. The feeling of her soft skin against my palm eclipsed the other times I’d touched it. It was like nothing else I’d ever felt. The luxury of being able to kiss and smell and see her radiant skin, as well as touch it, was overwhelming. I covered every exposed inch in kisses, using my tongue to taste her salty skin and my fingers to stroke its flawless beauty.
With my inhibitions shed, I didn’t hesitate to slide my hand under the collar of her robe on the other side of her body, easing the material away as I watched her skin appear with covetous eyes. I’d never seen such alluring perfection as she lay with closed eyes, bare shoulders, and her head tipped slightly back. I thoroughly explored the newly exposed flesh, kissing a path along her exquisite collarbone and being rewarded with a deeper connection between our bodies as she pressed her breasts into my chest, as if the kisses weren’t enough of a reward on their own. I kissed and licked and sucked as much of her shoulder as I could without seeming gluttonous. I couldn’t get enough of her.
I cautiously dropped my lips lower, away from her collarbone, down to the hollow at the base of her neck. I could sense her pulse so strongly there. It was a reminder to me of how precious and fragile she was. I’m sure she didn’t understand why I spent more time kissing her there than would have seemed normal. It was merely to keep me focused on her, on what I was there to show her and how important it was that I stay in control of myself. It was far too easy to injure her with my strength if I wasn’t careful every moment I touched her.
As my lips strayed lower, the gravity of what I was about to do hit me and I slowed my actions, kissing her skin tenderly a couple of times before pulling myself back to look at her. Her eyes were intense and questioning as they stared into mine. I let my hand drift down her body unhurriedly, and come to rest on the belt of her robe. I wasn’t really asking permission. I knew she’d grant it. I knew she wanted it. It was merely my instincts that fed my actions. I wanted to be respectful. I didn’t want to make assumptions. I wanted to offer her a chance to turn back before I took things farther than I’d ever imagined they would go that night. I didn’t know what I could say that wouldn’t interrupt the natural and comfortable flow of the events that were unfolding, so I used my eyes and waited for her to react. She pushed herself off the pillows and kissed me softly, and then covered my hand with her own, pulling it gently and dragging the tie along with it until the bow was undone. She released my hand and lay back on the pillows, placing her trust in me to continue. I felt a strange mix of emotions, honour and trust and awe and guilt. I wasn’t sure I deserved her trust at all and it wasn’t without reservations that I would move forward. I reminded myself that I was doing things her way, and for her, because it was the only way she could cope. I felt no guilt in giving her my love, only in the deceit of its delivery.
I felt suddenly unsure of myself. I knew what I wanted but I wasn’t certain what she might like. This was new for both of us. I decided to move slowly, again providing her with an out if she wanted it. My voice was quiet when I spoke. “If I do anything you don’t like or don’t want, tell me to stop. I’m as new to this as you are.” She nodded her agreement, meeting my eyes with confidence and love. I moved one finger to her neck and slowly drew a line down from her throat to the valley of her breasts, pulling her robe slightly more open as I went. Her skin called to me and I felt my hand twitch in response to the thought. I yearned to hold her. I wasn’t at all sure I would survive this night in one piece. What I did know was that I wouldn’t be the same man when it was done.
“Wait,” she murmured, sitting up suddenly and reaching for me. I sat myself up beside her.
“Are you okay?” I whispered, worried. Her hands moved to my shirt and I watched as her tiny fingers unbuttoned it with deliberation. She knew what she wanted. Her perception was so keen that she probably even knew that I wanted it. I felt a rush at the thought of being pressed skin to skin with her and I willed my control to stay in place. One step at a time. I was feeling so many things, both physically and emotionally, and it was amazingly difficult to stay focused. I was constantly refocusing to ensure her safety and direct my control. She had the power to sweep me away with a single caress.
With my shirt undone, her small fingers came out to stroke my chest. I gathered her hand in mine and kissed it softly, smiling at her. This was my pursuit and I didn’t want her to try and alter my course. She subtly slipped her hand from mine and slid it under my shirt, leisurely persuading the fabric back off my shoulders. I wished I could vocalize how incredibly alive she made my inanimate skin feel as her tiny hand moved along my body and her fingers pressed against me, transferring all of their warmth and intensity. When I shifted to finish removing my shirt, her hand came out to still me.
“Let me,” she requested softly. I turned my back to her and felt her gently tug the shirt from my arms. She laid it carefully aside and then settled back on the pillows. The peacefulness of her expression made her all the more beautiful.
I positioned my body beside hers again, feeling anxious and fighting the urge to rush my efforts. There was no need to, but desire held a wielding domination. With my upper body exposed, the longing to feel her skin against mine made me ache. I leaned into her body slowly, subjugated by her pull, and let my lips skim along her skin, starting at the base of her neck and meandering slowly downwards. As I reached the centre of her breasts, her back arched off the bed towards me and spurred my excitement. She couldn’t know what she was doing to me simply by reacting to my touch. I was incredibly turned on by her sexiness.
The delicate fragrance of her skin was intoxicating, a subdued version of the sweetness I tasted on my tongue when I kissed her. I pressed my lips firmly to the exposed skin between her breasts, inhaling her scent and letting it take over my senses for a moment. Fully appreciating the allurement I had in front of me was the only way I could delay my yearning to undress her further. My deferment didn’t last long. My hand strayed down her body, searching out the tie of her robe. I dug my fingers under the belt and slackened the tension of the remaining knot. Even pulling the tie to release the knot was erotic. I knew what treasures lay beneath it and I could not refuse the temptation any longer.
I let the tie drop ceremoniously from my hand. I only needed to reach out and push the fabric aside to reveal all of her sublime delicacy to my eyes. I took a moment to anticipate and luxuriate in what I was about to do. No fantasy I’d ever indulged in would come close to what lay beneath my fingertips.
Out of respect for Bella, I wanted to afford her some sense of modesty rather than leave her feeling entirely and suddenly exposed. My hand moved between our bodies, brushing along the bare skin I’d just kissed and drifting underneath the edge of her robe. I advanced my hand slowly, the heat of her skin igniting my desire even further. I could feel the rise of her breast begin under my fingertips as they swept slowly across her body. Her skin was even smoother and softer than I had imagined, like silk against my hand. Her body tensed slightly when I grazed her nipple and a tiny whimper left her parted lips. I stilled my hand and lowered it delicately, dropping my palm onto her breast and cupping it tenderly. There was some inherent sexual instinct driving me, curiosity mixed with awe and voluptuousness. I couldn’t put words to the rush that went through me at the feel of her breast in my hand - giddy and out of control and driven and sexually stimulated. I squeezed it gently, spurred by the rush and the muffled squeak that emanated from Bella’s throat exhilarated me further. She was as taken by the feel of her body in my hands as I was and the impulse to cover her breast with my lips took fruition.
I pushed the fabric aside artlessly, kissing her skin as my mouth moved across her breast. She tasted like heaven on my tongue - sweet and salty all at once. Bella urged me on, lifting her body towards me and knitting her fingers into my hair. I flicked my tongue across her nipple, groaning softly when it reached the hardened peak. I loved that her body reacted to my efforts in undeniably similar ways to how I was feeling. All I cared was that she was enjoying herself. Any pleasure I felt in response to loving her was simply a fortuitous bonus.
My hand gravitated to the other side of her body, my mind already pushing forward. I wasn’t hesitant or slow in the way I opened that side of her robe and exposed the rest of her upper body. I was anxious and enlivened and consumed with the inclination of doting on every inch of her skin. I pulled back from her to take in her beauty. I couldn’t bring myself to care that I was being obvious or objectifying her body. I’d never been so close or seen anything so sexy and beautiful. I knew she would forgive me given my inexperience, and her eyes were closed so I knew I wouldn’t embarrass her. The vision of naked upper body was not only the most sensuous thing I’d ever set my eyes on, but also the most stimulating. It absolutely subverted my careful control.
I pushed my body towards hers, pulling her roughly against me as my mouth hastened her nipple. I took it fully between my lips and felt it peak against my tongue. Her body’s reaction to my touch did nothing to help me gather my control and everything to push me further over the edge. I wasn’t helping the matter of my control as I returned my tongue to her peaked flesh and taunted it further, flicking and pressing against it in defiantly, trying to coax a greater reaction from her. I wanted to feel her letting go and fully enjoying the pleasure of my efforts. Her hands strained in response, one pulling my hair and the other fisting the sheets. I stifled the chuckle that threatened. Even in the middle of my erotic pursuits it didn’t escape me that I was still enjoying pushing her buttons.
I continued to work her nipple, enjoying the way her body tensed against me and feeling the tiniest bit smug about the control it bestowed on me. I doubted there were many ways I would ever control Bella, nor did I really want to, but it was gratifying to know that she was at my will sexually. It spoke volumes about her trust for me.
I loosened my grip on her body and let my fingertips caress her skin, taking pleasure from the satiny surface while my hand unconsciously floated lower down her body. My fingers hovered at the edge of her robe while I warred with myself, knowing I would indulge my desire and hers, but trying to be respectful and garner some amount of gentlemanly behaviour. I was contemptibly inadequate with my control. The heat of her covered skin made my fingers twitch in anticipation and triggered my capitulation. I slipped my hand under the fabric and pushed it aside carelessly, letting my fingers dance across the warmth of her belly, amble along her hip and down her thigh, and then back up again. She pressed her hip into my hand and I felt her hipbone in my palm. The action was carnal and erotic and divine.
I didn’t try to suppress my urge to explore her body further. I knew it would be fruitless. Everything I’d ever dreamed of loving was a breath away from my fingertips and even in the throes of my most solid control I knew that I could not fight my desire to touch her. I grasped her hipbone and let it dig into my palm, enjoying the way it channelled the intensity of my ardency for her. My fingers pressed against her flesh, kneading her skin and trying to convey the depth of my passion and desire for her. Again she pressed her hip to my hand and I lost my grip on my need. I dropped my hand from her hip and slid it along her thigh, hesitating for a moment while I tried to half-heartedly talk myself out of what I wanted. It was pointless. She was a force that I could not adequately resist. My hand smoothed along her skin, moving ever lower until I felt her knee in my palm. I hooked my fingers around the back of her leg, forcing it to bend at the knee, and dragged it up my body. I propped it up and let it rest against my hip and took what I needed, my fingers sliding along the back of her thigh until I fully covered her buttocks with my hand. She whimpered. I moaned and squeezed the irresistible flesh in my fingers. She angled her body more towards mine, pushing herself off the bed and pulling my head to hers. Her lips crashed down on my mouth, her tongue relentless against mine. Her urgency and intensity was unparalleled.
I waited for the intensity to wear itself out, trying to reign in my control once again. Her pull was so strong and my attempt to slow things down was thwarted by Bella herself. She kept her lips pressed to mine, pushing me back as she raised herself further off the bed and awkwardly shrugged her robe off. She must have sensed my desire or instinctively knew her own, but the miniscule gains I’d garnered in my control dissolved. Both of my arms encircled her naked body and I pulled her against my chest. Our moans echoed off the walls as our skin made contact. I couldn’t get her close enough or feel too much of her against me. The bliss was nonpareil, natural and boundless and fundamentally fulfilling.
Her tiny fingers dug into my back and her lips left mine as she moved to explore my neck as I had explored hers. I let my head drop back and gave her all the leeway she desired to take what she needed from me. Her lips were adamant and meticulous and her tongue followed with the same attention to detail. She was giving and loving and seductive. I couldn’t tell if I had relinquished my power or she had taken it. Either way she held all the control.
Every time our bodies came together I could feel the strength of our connection building, more than need or desire, it was a coupling of our souls. She was every bit as good at showing me her love with her body as she was at showing me her feelings with the way she looked at me. Whether her hands were digging into my back or softly gliding across my skin I could feel every bit of emotion that she was feeling, far beyond what could be expressed in words. There wasn’t a part of me that she didn’t bewitch and control.
My hands swept over her back, dancing over her skin and pulling her to me desperately. She leaned into my neck to kiss behind my ear and her hair fell forward, cascading along my shoulder in silken chestnut waves. It ignited me. My hands rushed to the back of her head, and I shoved them carelessly into her hair, angling her head up towards mine and assaulting her lips with my own. She had the gravitational field of a black hole and I could not escape her pull. I’d never wanted to give in to something so badly in my life, not even my bloodlust on the day I’d met her. What she was bringing out in me was something I didn’t even know was within me, something I thought my transformation had robbed me of, something that doesn’t exist until the seeds of love are cultivated and nurtured by the only person capable of truly loving you.
I struggled to re-centre myself, trying to direct and control my desire with Bella’s pleasure in mind. My wishing for Bella’s submission so that she might fully enjoy my efforts was short sighted. I hadn’t factored in what her abandon might do to me. I reminded myself that I was here to make her believe in our strength, not to take what she would willingly give, and that helped me to channel my intemperance. I eased her body back onto the mattress, letting her head drop softly onto the pillows and settle comfortably into them. I tried unsuccessfully to slow us down, kissing her swollen lips gently and sweetly for a moment, but she still pressed hers against mine desirously.
I disentangled one arm from around her body, tickling her skin with my fingertips as I let my hand glide down her body and along her leg that still rested on my hip. My hands dwarfed her tiny features and the diminutive size of her body further turned me on. I ran my hand the entire length of her leg, stroking her thigh and fanning my fingers out along its smooth surface. I could feel every contour of her flesh under my palm. My fingers stretched around the back of her knee and cupped it, pulling it into my body, and the action robbed me of my focus and made me feel covetous of her body. It was difficult to shake the feeling when she was mine in almost every sense of the word. Would it be wrong to make her mine, to give her what she wanted when it was truly what I desired too, even though I did not feel free to give it? This whole exercise was for her benefit, and what better thing could I give her than her heart’s desire? More than anything I wanted to give her what she wanted, but it had to be in a way that was comfortable for me.
I pulled back from her lips, needing to divert my focus away from the way she was making me feel. It was far too easy to get lost in her touch. I nuzzled my face into the crook of her neck and worked at kissing her shoulders and collarbone. It was easier to control myself when she was lost in the sensations my lips and tongue created rather than trying to make me feel pleasured. She had already given me more pleasure than I deserved.
I gently removed her leg from my hip, pushing her knee away from my body and easing her legs open and back on to the bed. My fingers knew their path, inching along her belly slowly and guardedly, anxious and hesitant at the same time. I tried to be extra gentle as I caressed her skin, dropping my hand lower and lower. The downy hair under my fingertips was the last barrier between me and what I intended to do, and I fingered it tentatively. After one last hesitation, I eased my fingers gently between her legs and heard a sharp intake of breath when they slipped into the wetness of her folds. The whimper that left Bella’s lips and the way her hips bucked at my hand took me under. I stopped breathing, overcome by my own desires as all the stimuli bombarded my senses at once.
I tried to block everything else out and only focus on the movement of my hand and planting my lips on her skin tenderly to urge her on. Try as I may, I could not block out the way her heartbeat sped or the echo of her breathy pants so close to my ear. I could not rid my nose of the delicious scent that emanated from her or remove the taste of her salty sweet skin from my tongue. I couldn’t ignore the heat of her skin against my own or the friction between our bodies as she rose off the bed to meet my hand. But I could deal with all of those things, compartmentalize them and subdue them and if I didn’t spend more than a moment thinking about any one of them singularly, then they didn’t subjugate me. What I couldn’t evade was the tactility of her wetness on my fingers as they caressed her. It made me so thoroughly aroused it was painful.
I moved my mouth to her breast, flicking my tongue out roughly against her nipple just to make her moan. I needed something, no anything to catch my attention and prevent me from concentrating on the delicate moisture that imbued my fingers and kept them gliding slickly along her centre. Bella’s hips were coming off the bed with every movement of my hand, and she began to press her body into mine. Naively I thought it was a reaction to my deeds, but I could sense her frustration building. I felt foolish when I realized she needed more from me, that she’d been unconsciously searching out more friction or movement from my hand. I’d been too focused on abstracting my surroundings from my mind and I needed to change my approach. There was no point to touching her if I wasn’t going to give her what she wanted.
Instead of trying to ignore my senses, I centralized them and used them to measure Bella’s reactions to my touch. I concentrated on the little changes in her pulse and breathing, and looked for changes in the frenzy of her movements. I stilled my lips, kissing her skin softly only now and again to encourage and comfort her and let her know I was there with her, experiencing everything she was experiencing. She continued to lift her hips off the bed each time my hand moved but began to tilt them up towards my body, forcing my hand further between her legs. I could feel every bit of her on my fingertips and without really considering whether or not I had permission, I slipped a finger inside of her body. The moan that left her lips was the sexiest sound I’d ever heard.
I moved my finger in and out of her slowly, sure of her enjoyment by the way she pressed against my hand. I did my best to increase the friction, using my thumb to stimulate her further while continuing the movement in and out of her body. When the little squeaks and whimpers that were a common occurrence quieted, I began to worry I was doing something wrong. Her tiny fingers remained tangled in my hair but were still now, rather than fisting my hair as they had prior. I looked at her face. She seemed tense and absorbed and I was unsure if it was a good or bad thing. I watched her countenance for changes, continuing to coax her reaction with my fingers. Her parted lips held my attention. She was panting quite heavily, but even in her introversion she was fiercely beautiful, every bit the dark angel I fell in love with.
From the corner of my eye I saw Bella’s hand fist the sheet. Instinctively, I quickened the pace of my hand, pumping it in and out of her with a heightened intensity, pressing and rubbing my thumb into her sensitive flesh. Her silence continued; no verbal response left her perfect lips. I was parlaying the outcome of my efforts on the stirring of her hips that franticly pressed against my hand rather than the lack of verbiage, and if my estimations were right, she was on the verge of climax.
I leaned into her body, skimming my lips along her neck and up to her ear and whispered, “I love you,” letting my breath hit her ear and push her over. Her hand reached out for me, grasping carelessly at my skin and her body went rigid, her back arching off the bed and into me and my hand, searching out any surface to still itself against while she went under. Her head tipped back and she whimpered softly, over and over again, as she tensed and fought and gave in and came undone in my arms. I just held her tightly and studied the power and beauty of her reaction, falling further in love with her each second.
I waited for her body to quiet and relax, kissing her hair and breathing her in, perfectly content. If I was being honest I was feeling a tiny bit smug as well, having just delivered my first orgasm. My inexperience didn’t even seem to affect the intensity of it and that pleased me. It was just more proof to me that Bella and I were made for one another, capable of reading and pleasing one another even in verdancy. I was studying her face when she finally opened her eyes and I smiled softly at her. “Do you believe?” I wondered quietly.
“Not yet,” she replied, smiling impishly, "but I'm open to more convincing."
Chapter 32: Connection (Previous Chapters: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19.1, 19.2, 20, 21, 22.1, 22.2, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32)
Author:JCAddict/picklewinkle/Sher
Fandom: Twilight
Word Count:6,729
Rating: R/M, for sex and language
Story Summary: An angry young woman is forced to move to the town of Forks, Washington and decides that alone is the best way to be. She buries her heart under her anger and puts on a tough façade that very few people are able to break through. Can the love of a teenage vampire get through to the lost girl inside, even when his true nature is revealed? AU (alternative universe) and OOC (out of character). Bella is uber OOC. Edward, not so much.
Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight and all of its characters. I'm just manipulating them like imaginary playdoh so I feel like I have some power over them **snorts**
32. Connection
A/N: Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight. I own a copy of Twilight, but nothing more than that.
I appreciate the heartfelt feedback on the last chapter. You guys are awesome! I think I've caught up on all the reviews. Go me! I was more behind than I realized so I'm pleased that I've caught up. We went over 700 reviews with the last chapter. Yay! **booty dance** Anything else I need to say? Oh yes, that pesky rating thing. Do you remember way back on December 9th when I gave this story an M rating, well I'm going to earn it this chapter.
She’d cried so much I was amazed she could gather the focus to look at me with such emotion when she finally rolled over to face me. “I love you,” she whispered, her eyes so tender and devoted. With everything she’d just shared with me there was no doubt in my mind how much I meant to her. “I can’t lose you.” Her voice was overflowing with fear. I knew I needed to tell her what I was so that I could fully explain that losing me was something she never had to be afraid of, but something just felt off. Instead of facing my fear of losing her, I was being ruled by it, still fighting speaking the truth. Her lips were tense and dire when she pressed them to mine and silenced the words I was struggling with. I froze. I didn’t want to push her away in her already fragile state but the truth was like poison on my tongue, threatening to take me under if I didn’t speak it. I vacillated for a few moments, trying to figure out how to pull away without hurting her, but before I could decide, she pulled away from me with fresh tears and I’d hurt her without meaning to. “Did I lose you already, because of what I am? Because of what I can’t handle?”
“You will never lose me,” I said quietly, trying to mask my anxiety. Again I tried to tell the truth, “I…” but Bella interrupted me.
“But I’ve upset you?” she rasped, scrubbing the tears that ran down her cheeks with her hands.
“No,” I assured her, but I couldn’t hide the fear in my voice as I willed the truth to come out.
“You didn’t kiss me…” She looked incredibly hurt and entirely fragile and I knew I’d done the wrong thing in not kissing her back, and in not being honest. I felt so many conflicting emotions. My delay in telling her the truth would cause her more hurt when she finally learned it. The postponement was born innocently enough. I had to wait to tell her until I was sure I could trust her, but then my fear of losing her overcame my sense. I’d waited too long now. Surely she of all people could understand that it was fear of losing her that drove me to keep the secret as long as I had, couldn’t she?
“It’s not that Bella, I…” I was still caught up in finding the softest way to break the news to her, still resisting that there was no easy way to give her the truth, and the words wouldn’t come.
“Please don’t take you love away from me because I’m a coward. I’m trying, honestly. I just need some time.” Something inside of me broke when her words hit my ears. I felt feeble and caddish to have allowed my behaviour to make her feel that way. I was ashamed of myself, but before I could speak she kissed me again, sweet and longingly. I fought with myself, knowing I should just stop kissing her and be truthful so that we might both find the relief we needed, but I couldn’t risk hurting her again by pulling away. She was so vulnerable. I kissed her softly, trying to mirror the contact of her lips, but I had no doubt that if I knew I was holding back, she knew too. She pulled away from me and I could see the desperation in her beautiful eyes. “I just can’t fathom taking a risk that even has the potential to take you from me.”
In that moment I knew that I’d done everything wrong that day. In trying to break my nature to her gently, all I’d managed to do was awaken her fear of losing me and precipitate the horror of reliving the loss of her mother as her only way of showing me how important I was to her. She was controlled by her fear and understandably so. She’d been knocked down too many times along the way to believe that things could work out for her, and I understood the fear that drove her to ask for my patience. I couldn’t deny her the time to deal with her fear over putting our relationship at risk even if I wanted to, and I didn’t want to. I risked losing her whether I told her my secret or not. There was nothing that was easy about the entire situation save for one thing, giving Bella some time to believe in herself.
“I’m not going anywhere Bella,” I promised. I wanted her to know that this was under her control now. When she wanted to know the truth, I would tell her. If she wanted to live in ignorance, then I would live with that too. I was selfish in many ways, but for her emotional well-being, I could be selfless. I would risk my happiness to spare her more despair. I would not be the one to drive her back into the darkness of loss.
I leaned in and kissed her decidedly, trying to show her the change in my resolution without giving her the words themselves. I loved her. I wanted her to feel that love.
“I just need some time to find my way.” Her emotional plea was ghosted against my lips in the most vulnerable voice. She didn’t believe that I would give her the time she wanted. I covered her mouth with mine and kissed her more deeply to convey that she had her time, as much or as little as she required, and to reaffirm that I wasn’t going anywhere, that I was right beside her where I wanted to be, where I would always be as long as she allowed it.
“I know,” I mumbled, barely removing my lips from her mouth. My anxiety had transformed to urgency as I tried to show her that I understood what she was trying to explain and that she didn’t need to be afraid any longer. I pulled her body to mine, although I was no longer sure if I did it for her or myself. I only knew that I needed the connection to her to abate the growing desperation.
“I just need some time to believe,” she entreated, pressing her body into mine. Instead of relief, the contact made me feel more emotional. It was becoming more difficult to break the connection of our lips whenever one of us pulled back to speak. Her kiss was like my oxygen and I needed her to breathe.
“I will show you,” I insisted, before her lips came back at mine. Her kiss was driven and intense. I pulled back reluctantly to finish my thought. “I know we’re strong enough to withstand this.”
“It’s not you, it’s me. This is all me. My faith isn’t like yours. I have faith in what I can reach out and touch. I have faith in you.”
“And I have faith in you, and faith in us.” My lips went to hers again. I couldn’t stay away from her. I wanted so badly to give her the faith she lacked, to show her that our love was strong. I felt her tongue flicking along my lips and pulled back from her one last time. “I will make you believe in us the way I believe.”
“Make me believe.” Her soft plea took me under, hitting my brain and setting me off in a hundred ways. I could make her believe. I could show her my love, really show it to her, and not hold back, and let her feel every bit of emotion and connection she brought out in me. I loved her more than enough to try and make her believe.
I pressed my mouth to hers, taking the contact I was aching for and using the urgency I was drowning in to focus my emotions. Instead of suppressing the sensuality of her kiss, I revelled in it, taking her bottom lip into my mouth and sucking on it gently. Instead of deferring or resisting the delectation, I let myself enjoy the softness and suppleness of her lips, so unlike my own, so yielding and feminine. She held a power of me, even with something as simplistic as a kiss. There was something in me that she could call and command and I would always let her. I didn’t care if she held sway over me. I only wanted to please her.
I pushed my tongue between her lips, wordlessly pleading to deepen the kiss. She opened her mouth and plunged her tongue out to meet mine, pressing against it with passion and indulgence. Her intensity took my breath away and procured my hope that my emotions were getting through to her. I moaned softly against her perfect pink lips, completely enchanted by her response. She was right there in the moment with me, not lost in her head, but feeling every thing I was feeling, and sharing in the connection.
I tightened my grip on her body, feeling the delicate curve of her waist beneath my fingertips and her hipbone under my palm. My hand slid along it, unconsciously searching out her skin. I was already ahead of myself but I couldn’t deny that I wanted more. I didn’t feel the normal inhibition or the need to pull back. My fingers played in the fabric, looking for the hem of her shirt, and when the nap and texture of the fibres finally registered, I froze. She wasn’t clothed; she was in her peignoir. I had been so caught up in worry when I entered her room; my only thought was of her well-being. I’d heard the shower. I knew she was in there. I’d seen her come out with damp hair wearing the robe, but it wasn’t until the moment when I felt her beneath my fingertips that I realized there was a high likelihood that underneath her peignoir she wore nothing at all. I groaned uncontrollably. My mind flooded with images I’d only dreamed of, and heightened my arousal.
I pulled back from her mouth, trailing kisses along her jawbone and down past her ear. With my nose tucked into her neck her scent was, for the briefest of moments, overwhelmingly tempting despite feeling in complete control of myself. I must have hit a sensitive spot on her neck with my kiss because Bella pushed her body further into mine and brought her tiny hand up to my hair. It was all the contact I needed, just one simple caress of the back of my head, to refocus me on loving her. Whether she understood it or believed it, she knew my desires as if she could read my mind. It only made me appreciate further how perfectly matched we were.
I nudged the collar of her robe with my nose and buried my lips in the bare skin I exposed. A thrill ran through me when my lips contacted her collarbone and she raised her body off the bed towards me offering me better access. I’d scarcely even seen that part of her. I had no idea how entirely erogenous that area was for her and every little sound and movement she made as I kissed her there enamoured me further. I always knew she was susceptible to my physical touch but it was still a wonder to see it unfold before my eyes in such a powerful and determinate way.
I let one hand wander up from her waist, caressing her back and curling it around her shoulder softly. It was no surprise to me that I wanted more. I always wanted more. My fingers grasped at the fabric in a less than subtle manner, finessing it aside until her shoulder was bare. The feeling of her soft skin against my palm eclipsed the other times I’d touched it. It was like nothing else I’d ever felt. The luxury of being able to kiss and smell and see her radiant skin, as well as touch it, was overwhelming. I covered every exposed inch in kisses, using my tongue to taste her salty skin and my fingers to stroke its flawless beauty.
With my inhibitions shed, I didn’t hesitate to slide my hand under the collar of her robe on the other side of her body, easing the material away as I watched her skin appear with covetous eyes. I’d never seen such alluring perfection as she lay with closed eyes, bare shoulders, and her head tipped slightly back. I thoroughly explored the newly exposed flesh, kissing a path along her exquisite collarbone and being rewarded with a deeper connection between our bodies as she pressed her breasts into my chest, as if the kisses weren’t enough of a reward on their own. I kissed and licked and sucked as much of her shoulder as I could without seeming gluttonous. I couldn’t get enough of her.
I cautiously dropped my lips lower, away from her collarbone, down to the hollow at the base of her neck. I could sense her pulse so strongly there. It was a reminder to me of how precious and fragile she was. I’m sure she didn’t understand why I spent more time kissing her there than would have seemed normal. It was merely to keep me focused on her, on what I was there to show her and how important it was that I stay in control of myself. It was far too easy to injure her with my strength if I wasn’t careful every moment I touched her.
As my lips strayed lower, the gravity of what I was about to do hit me and I slowed my actions, kissing her skin tenderly a couple of times before pulling myself back to look at her. Her eyes were intense and questioning as they stared into mine. I let my hand drift down her body unhurriedly, and come to rest on the belt of her robe. I wasn’t really asking permission. I knew she’d grant it. I knew she wanted it. It was merely my instincts that fed my actions. I wanted to be respectful. I didn’t want to make assumptions. I wanted to offer her a chance to turn back before I took things farther than I’d ever imagined they would go that night. I didn’t know what I could say that wouldn’t interrupt the natural and comfortable flow of the events that were unfolding, so I used my eyes and waited for her to react. She pushed herself off the pillows and kissed me softly, and then covered my hand with her own, pulling it gently and dragging the tie along with it until the bow was undone. She released my hand and lay back on the pillows, placing her trust in me to continue. I felt a strange mix of emotions, honour and trust and awe and guilt. I wasn’t sure I deserved her trust at all and it wasn’t without reservations that I would move forward. I reminded myself that I was doing things her way, and for her, because it was the only way she could cope. I felt no guilt in giving her my love, only in the deceit of its delivery.
I felt suddenly unsure of myself. I knew what I wanted but I wasn’t certain what she might like. This was new for both of us. I decided to move slowly, again providing her with an out if she wanted it. My voice was quiet when I spoke. “If I do anything you don’t like or don’t want, tell me to stop. I’m as new to this as you are.” She nodded her agreement, meeting my eyes with confidence and love. I moved one finger to her neck and slowly drew a line down from her throat to the valley of her breasts, pulling her robe slightly more open as I went. Her skin called to me and I felt my hand twitch in response to the thought. I yearned to hold her. I wasn’t at all sure I would survive this night in one piece. What I did know was that I wouldn’t be the same man when it was done.
“Wait,” she murmured, sitting up suddenly and reaching for me. I sat myself up beside her.
“Are you okay?” I whispered, worried. Her hands moved to my shirt and I watched as her tiny fingers unbuttoned it with deliberation. She knew what she wanted. Her perception was so keen that she probably even knew that I wanted it. I felt a rush at the thought of being pressed skin to skin with her and I willed my control to stay in place. One step at a time. I was feeling so many things, both physically and emotionally, and it was amazingly difficult to stay focused. I was constantly refocusing to ensure her safety and direct my control. She had the power to sweep me away with a single caress.
With my shirt undone, her small fingers came out to stroke my chest. I gathered her hand in mine and kissed it softly, smiling at her. This was my pursuit and I didn’t want her to try and alter my course. She subtly slipped her hand from mine and slid it under my shirt, leisurely persuading the fabric back off my shoulders. I wished I could vocalize how incredibly alive she made my inanimate skin feel as her tiny hand moved along my body and her fingers pressed against me, transferring all of their warmth and intensity. When I shifted to finish removing my shirt, her hand came out to still me.
“Let me,” she requested softly. I turned my back to her and felt her gently tug the shirt from my arms. She laid it carefully aside and then settled back on the pillows. The peacefulness of her expression made her all the more beautiful.
I positioned my body beside hers again, feeling anxious and fighting the urge to rush my efforts. There was no need to, but desire held a wielding domination. With my upper body exposed, the longing to feel her skin against mine made me ache. I leaned into her body slowly, subjugated by her pull, and let my lips skim along her skin, starting at the base of her neck and meandering slowly downwards. As I reached the centre of her breasts, her back arched off the bed towards me and spurred my excitement. She couldn’t know what she was doing to me simply by reacting to my touch. I was incredibly turned on by her sexiness.
The delicate fragrance of her skin was intoxicating, a subdued version of the sweetness I tasted on my tongue when I kissed her. I pressed my lips firmly to the exposed skin between her breasts, inhaling her scent and letting it take over my senses for a moment. Fully appreciating the allurement I had in front of me was the only way I could delay my yearning to undress her further. My deferment didn’t last long. My hand strayed down her body, searching out the tie of her robe. I dug my fingers under the belt and slackened the tension of the remaining knot. Even pulling the tie to release the knot was erotic. I knew what treasures lay beneath it and I could not refuse the temptation any longer.
I let the tie drop ceremoniously from my hand. I only needed to reach out and push the fabric aside to reveal all of her sublime delicacy to my eyes. I took a moment to anticipate and luxuriate in what I was about to do. No fantasy I’d ever indulged in would come close to what lay beneath my fingertips.
Out of respect for Bella, I wanted to afford her some sense of modesty rather than leave her feeling entirely and suddenly exposed. My hand moved between our bodies, brushing along the bare skin I’d just kissed and drifting underneath the edge of her robe. I advanced my hand slowly, the heat of her skin igniting my desire even further. I could feel the rise of her breast begin under my fingertips as they swept slowly across her body. Her skin was even smoother and softer than I had imagined, like silk against my hand. Her body tensed slightly when I grazed her nipple and a tiny whimper left her parted lips. I stilled my hand and lowered it delicately, dropping my palm onto her breast and cupping it tenderly. There was some inherent sexual instinct driving me, curiosity mixed with awe and voluptuousness. I couldn’t put words to the rush that went through me at the feel of her breast in my hand - giddy and out of control and driven and sexually stimulated. I squeezed it gently, spurred by the rush and the muffled squeak that emanated from Bella’s throat exhilarated me further. She was as taken by the feel of her body in my hands as I was and the impulse to cover her breast with my lips took fruition.
I pushed the fabric aside artlessly, kissing her skin as my mouth moved across her breast. She tasted like heaven on my tongue - sweet and salty all at once. Bella urged me on, lifting her body towards me and knitting her fingers into my hair. I flicked my tongue across her nipple, groaning softly when it reached the hardened peak. I loved that her body reacted to my efforts in undeniably similar ways to how I was feeling. All I cared was that she was enjoying herself. Any pleasure I felt in response to loving her was simply a fortuitous bonus.
My hand gravitated to the other side of her body, my mind already pushing forward. I wasn’t hesitant or slow in the way I opened that side of her robe and exposed the rest of her upper body. I was anxious and enlivened and consumed with the inclination of doting on every inch of her skin. I pulled back from her to take in her beauty. I couldn’t bring myself to care that I was being obvious or objectifying her body. I’d never been so close or seen anything so sexy and beautiful. I knew she would forgive me given my inexperience, and her eyes were closed so I knew I wouldn’t embarrass her. The vision of naked upper body was not only the most sensuous thing I’d ever set my eyes on, but also the most stimulating. It absolutely subverted my careful control.
I pushed my body towards hers, pulling her roughly against me as my mouth hastened her nipple. I took it fully between my lips and felt it peak against my tongue. Her body’s reaction to my touch did nothing to help me gather my control and everything to push me further over the edge. I wasn’t helping the matter of my control as I returned my tongue to her peaked flesh and taunted it further, flicking and pressing against it in defiantly, trying to coax a greater reaction from her. I wanted to feel her letting go and fully enjoying the pleasure of my efforts. Her hands strained in response, one pulling my hair and the other fisting the sheets. I stifled the chuckle that threatened. Even in the middle of my erotic pursuits it didn’t escape me that I was still enjoying pushing her buttons.
I continued to work her nipple, enjoying the way her body tensed against me and feeling the tiniest bit smug about the control it bestowed on me. I doubted there were many ways I would ever control Bella, nor did I really want to, but it was gratifying to know that she was at my will sexually. It spoke volumes about her trust for me.
I loosened my grip on her body and let my fingertips caress her skin, taking pleasure from the satiny surface while my hand unconsciously floated lower down her body. My fingers hovered at the edge of her robe while I warred with myself, knowing I would indulge my desire and hers, but trying to be respectful and garner some amount of gentlemanly behaviour. I was contemptibly inadequate with my control. The heat of her covered skin made my fingers twitch in anticipation and triggered my capitulation. I slipped my hand under the fabric and pushed it aside carelessly, letting my fingers dance across the warmth of her belly, amble along her hip and down her thigh, and then back up again. She pressed her hip into my hand and I felt her hipbone in my palm. The action was carnal and erotic and divine.
I didn’t try to suppress my urge to explore her body further. I knew it would be fruitless. Everything I’d ever dreamed of loving was a breath away from my fingertips and even in the throes of my most solid control I knew that I could not fight my desire to touch her. I grasped her hipbone and let it dig into my palm, enjoying the way it channelled the intensity of my ardency for her. My fingers pressed against her flesh, kneading her skin and trying to convey the depth of my passion and desire for her. Again she pressed her hip to my hand and I lost my grip on my need. I dropped my hand from her hip and slid it along her thigh, hesitating for a moment while I tried to half-heartedly talk myself out of what I wanted. It was pointless. She was a force that I could not adequately resist. My hand smoothed along her skin, moving ever lower until I felt her knee in my palm. I hooked my fingers around the back of her leg, forcing it to bend at the knee, and dragged it up my body. I propped it up and let it rest against my hip and took what I needed, my fingers sliding along the back of her thigh until I fully covered her buttocks with my hand. She whimpered. I moaned and squeezed the irresistible flesh in my fingers. She angled her body more towards mine, pushing herself off the bed and pulling my head to hers. Her lips crashed down on my mouth, her tongue relentless against mine. Her urgency and intensity was unparalleled.
I waited for the intensity to wear itself out, trying to reign in my control once again. Her pull was so strong and my attempt to slow things down was thwarted by Bella herself. She kept her lips pressed to mine, pushing me back as she raised herself further off the bed and awkwardly shrugged her robe off. She must have sensed my desire or instinctively knew her own, but the miniscule gains I’d garnered in my control dissolved. Both of my arms encircled her naked body and I pulled her against my chest. Our moans echoed off the walls as our skin made contact. I couldn’t get her close enough or feel too much of her against me. The bliss was nonpareil, natural and boundless and fundamentally fulfilling.
Her tiny fingers dug into my back and her lips left mine as she moved to explore my neck as I had explored hers. I let my head drop back and gave her all the leeway she desired to take what she needed from me. Her lips were adamant and meticulous and her tongue followed with the same attention to detail. She was giving and loving and seductive. I couldn’t tell if I had relinquished my power or she had taken it. Either way she held all the control.
Every time our bodies came together I could feel the strength of our connection building, more than need or desire, it was a coupling of our souls. She was every bit as good at showing me her love with her body as she was at showing me her feelings with the way she looked at me. Whether her hands were digging into my back or softly gliding across my skin I could feel every bit of emotion that she was feeling, far beyond what could be expressed in words. There wasn’t a part of me that she didn’t bewitch and control.
My hands swept over her back, dancing over her skin and pulling her to me desperately. She leaned into my neck to kiss behind my ear and her hair fell forward, cascading along my shoulder in silken chestnut waves. It ignited me. My hands rushed to the back of her head, and I shoved them carelessly into her hair, angling her head up towards mine and assaulting her lips with my own. She had the gravitational field of a black hole and I could not escape her pull. I’d never wanted to give in to something so badly in my life, not even my bloodlust on the day I’d met her. What she was bringing out in me was something I didn’t even know was within me, something I thought my transformation had robbed me of, something that doesn’t exist until the seeds of love are cultivated and nurtured by the only person capable of truly loving you.
I struggled to re-centre myself, trying to direct and control my desire with Bella’s pleasure in mind. My wishing for Bella’s submission so that she might fully enjoy my efforts was short sighted. I hadn’t factored in what her abandon might do to me. I reminded myself that I was here to make her believe in our strength, not to take what she would willingly give, and that helped me to channel my intemperance. I eased her body back onto the mattress, letting her head drop softly onto the pillows and settle comfortably into them. I tried unsuccessfully to slow us down, kissing her swollen lips gently and sweetly for a moment, but she still pressed hers against mine desirously.
I disentangled one arm from around her body, tickling her skin with my fingertips as I let my hand glide down her body and along her leg that still rested on my hip. My hands dwarfed her tiny features and the diminutive size of her body further turned me on. I ran my hand the entire length of her leg, stroking her thigh and fanning my fingers out along its smooth surface. I could feel every contour of her flesh under my palm. My fingers stretched around the back of her knee and cupped it, pulling it into my body, and the action robbed me of my focus and made me feel covetous of her body. It was difficult to shake the feeling when she was mine in almost every sense of the word. Would it be wrong to make her mine, to give her what she wanted when it was truly what I desired too, even though I did not feel free to give it? This whole exercise was for her benefit, and what better thing could I give her than her heart’s desire? More than anything I wanted to give her what she wanted, but it had to be in a way that was comfortable for me.
I pulled back from her lips, needing to divert my focus away from the way she was making me feel. It was far too easy to get lost in her touch. I nuzzled my face into the crook of her neck and worked at kissing her shoulders and collarbone. It was easier to control myself when she was lost in the sensations my lips and tongue created rather than trying to make me feel pleasured. She had already given me more pleasure than I deserved.
I gently removed her leg from my hip, pushing her knee away from my body and easing her legs open and back on to the bed. My fingers knew their path, inching along her belly slowly and guardedly, anxious and hesitant at the same time. I tried to be extra gentle as I caressed her skin, dropping my hand lower and lower. The downy hair under my fingertips was the last barrier between me and what I intended to do, and I fingered it tentatively. After one last hesitation, I eased my fingers gently between her legs and heard a sharp intake of breath when they slipped into the wetness of her folds. The whimper that left Bella’s lips and the way her hips bucked at my hand took me under. I stopped breathing, overcome by my own desires as all the stimuli bombarded my senses at once.
I tried to block everything else out and only focus on the movement of my hand and planting my lips on her skin tenderly to urge her on. Try as I may, I could not block out the way her heartbeat sped or the echo of her breathy pants so close to my ear. I could not rid my nose of the delicious scent that emanated from her or remove the taste of her salty sweet skin from my tongue. I couldn’t ignore the heat of her skin against my own or the friction between our bodies as she rose off the bed to meet my hand. But I could deal with all of those things, compartmentalize them and subdue them and if I didn’t spend more than a moment thinking about any one of them singularly, then they didn’t subjugate me. What I couldn’t evade was the tactility of her wetness on my fingers as they caressed her. It made me so thoroughly aroused it was painful.
I moved my mouth to her breast, flicking my tongue out roughly against her nipple just to make her moan. I needed something, no anything to catch my attention and prevent me from concentrating on the delicate moisture that imbued my fingers and kept them gliding slickly along her centre. Bella’s hips were coming off the bed with every movement of my hand, and she began to press her body into mine. Naively I thought it was a reaction to my deeds, but I could sense her frustration building. I felt foolish when I realized she needed more from me, that she’d been unconsciously searching out more friction or movement from my hand. I’d been too focused on abstracting my surroundings from my mind and I needed to change my approach. There was no point to touching her if I wasn’t going to give her what she wanted.
Instead of trying to ignore my senses, I centralized them and used them to measure Bella’s reactions to my touch. I concentrated on the little changes in her pulse and breathing, and looked for changes in the frenzy of her movements. I stilled my lips, kissing her skin softly only now and again to encourage and comfort her and let her know I was there with her, experiencing everything she was experiencing. She continued to lift her hips off the bed each time my hand moved but began to tilt them up towards my body, forcing my hand further between her legs. I could feel every bit of her on my fingertips and without really considering whether or not I had permission, I slipped a finger inside of her body. The moan that left her lips was the sexiest sound I’d ever heard.
I moved my finger in and out of her slowly, sure of her enjoyment by the way she pressed against my hand. I did my best to increase the friction, using my thumb to stimulate her further while continuing the movement in and out of her body. When the little squeaks and whimpers that were a common occurrence quieted, I began to worry I was doing something wrong. Her tiny fingers remained tangled in my hair but were still now, rather than fisting my hair as they had prior. I looked at her face. She seemed tense and absorbed and I was unsure if it was a good or bad thing. I watched her countenance for changes, continuing to coax her reaction with my fingers. Her parted lips held my attention. She was panting quite heavily, but even in her introversion she was fiercely beautiful, every bit the dark angel I fell in love with.
From the corner of my eye I saw Bella’s hand fist the sheet. Instinctively, I quickened the pace of my hand, pumping it in and out of her with a heightened intensity, pressing and rubbing my thumb into her sensitive flesh. Her silence continued; no verbal response left her perfect lips. I was parlaying the outcome of my efforts on the stirring of her hips that franticly pressed against my hand rather than the lack of verbiage, and if my estimations were right, she was on the verge of climax.
I leaned into her body, skimming my lips along her neck and up to her ear and whispered, “I love you,” letting my breath hit her ear and push her over. Her hand reached out for me, grasping carelessly at my skin and her body went rigid, her back arching off the bed and into me and my hand, searching out any surface to still itself against while she went under. Her head tipped back and she whimpered softly, over and over again, as she tensed and fought and gave in and came undone in my arms. I just held her tightly and studied the power and beauty of her reaction, falling further in love with her each second.
I waited for her body to quiet and relax, kissing her hair and breathing her in, perfectly content. If I was being honest I was feeling a tiny bit smug as well, having just delivered my first orgasm. My inexperience didn’t even seem to affect the intensity of it and that pleased me. It was just more proof to me that Bella and I were made for one another, capable of reading and pleasing one another even in verdancy. I was studying her face when she finally opened her eyes and I smiled softly at her. “Do you believe?” I wondered quietly.
“Not yet,” she replied, smiling impishly, "but I'm open to more convincing."