Forever & Ever 26
Title: Forever & Ever (Miseinen Sequel)
Author: Zion Shadowlet
Beta: butterflysaga(the bitch)
Characters: Aoi, Uruha, Ruki, Reita, Kai and many OCs (Fuwa etc.)
Pairing: Aoi/Uruha and more~
Genre: Drama, Romance, Friendship, Comedy
Rating: NC17
Summary: Six years have passed since the summer at the Dazai Bright Future Retreat for Troubled Children. The boys meet in an unexpected way perhaps bound by fate in the underground world of Visual Kei. With broken hearts and promises; the boys-now young men look to regain some of what they lost by the wild and reckless pursuit of the same dream.
Previous Parts: Part 1.1 | Part 1.2 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4.1| Part 4.2| Part 5| Part 6| Part 7.1| Part 7.2| Part 8.1| Part 8.2| Part 9| Part 10| Part 11| Part 12| Part 13| Part 14| Part 15| Part 16| Part 17| Part 18| Part 19| Part 20| Part 21| Part 22| Part 23| Part 24| Part 25
Her room had the lingering floral scent of funeral flowers, that fleeting scent that against the air was so pale, so thin that your mind and senses desperately tried to detect and grasp it. It slipped away from you only to come back once more and cause within you that same strange frantic need for it to be fully realized as a true scent.
Haru’s room even had the masking pleasantness of a funeral home, the delicate formality, the ease of it that was so gracious that it almost created a negative effect, causing in the visitor the feeling of suspicion and anxiety that something must be wrong.
Kai laid there in the tumbling softness of her tasteful pink and yellow blankets. He stared up at the ceiling and watched the shadows of the tree leaves tremble, feeling inside of him an uneasiness. Haru beside him, laid on her side, the blankets covering her naked breasts as she stared off, occupied in her own thoughts.
After they made love, it was always like this. Silent. And he wondered what it meant. She showed no sense of happiness, no sense of pleasure, just acceptance or wiliness. At first, he thought it a part of the subtlety of her characteristically Japanese femininity but after a while, he started to wonder about her, wonder if she just went about all her actions without ever being truly present.
The closer he got to her, the more she seemed like a ghost.
“Haru, what are you thinking about?” he asked.
It took her awhile to respond. “Things,” she finally muttered in a whisper.
“Things?”
“Things.”
“What sort of things?”
“Right now, I am thinking about the beach. About going there with my parents when I was younger. I love the beach especially when no one else it there.”
“I like the beach too,” he replied uselessly. He didn’t even think about his statement. He just said what he thought made sense. He turned and looked away from her, at the wall that she was absently gazing at. “Do you still like D’Marcus?” he asked quickly as the thought occurred to him.
“Why are you asking me that?” There was little trace of emotion in her voice. He could barely gather what she felt about his question or what her answer would be.
“Because you are with me now…”
She didn’t say anything. She finally looked away though from the wall and began to stare at the small repeated floral pattern on the sheet, tracing the petals with the tip of her finger.
“I see,” Kai finally understood what the answer was. “Haru, I don’t know about us anymore.”
She looked up at the side of his face.
“I don’t think that we are right for each other,” he explained as he balled the blankets in a tight fist.
“Are you breaking up with me?” she asked without a trace of sadness or disappointment.
“Yeah…I guess I am. I’m sorry, Haru.”
Silence.
“Are you upset?” he turned and looked at her face and seeing that what he had just said could not penetrate her dreamlike state, he felt a sudden moment of shock. Even if she had felt little to nothing for him, he had expected her to react in some way but what he looked upon was dreamy nonchalance. “Haru,” he repeated as if he were trying to wake her up.
“Hm?” she looked up at him.
“Are you okay?”
“Yes, I’m okay.” She nodded and blushing suddenly as if she were caught in an embarrassing act, turned around and faced the opposite wall so that he could no longer see her face.
Kai slipped out of bed and grabbing his clothes, began to get dressed. “I think I should leave,” he said. He knew that she wasn’t going to say anything so he didn’t wait for her to reply. Once he had finally put all his clothes on, he stood up and he looked back down at her wondering if there was something he was supposed tell her. Perhaps another consolation, an apology? He didn’t think it would end like this. There was no drama, no spark, nothing. It was like slipping through the fog. Being one place and passing in through a pale smoke only to reemerge into reality.
He sighed once more and looking around her room, he finally came to the realization that it was best the he just leave. “Goodbye, Haru.”
He wondered if this was the right thing.
Again no reply.
Kai walked over to the door and placing his hand on the cool brass knob went to open it. His hand lingered there as he heard her soft voice escape like a noise out of a grave “Goodbye.”
***
It was that time of day where the sun falling in the sky casted a glow so orange it was almost gold as it flooded the city beneath it, thickening the colors of the spring leaves budding in soft greens, the pale cherry blossoms, bouncing off the walls of the tall buildings, the glass and shiny plastic of cars as they drove past, glimmering.
Uruha watched out the window at the retreating forms of his bandmates as they headed home in the wake of dusk. Leaning against the pane, he stared outward as if he were in a dreamlike state not thinking of anything, calmed like a child in the gold of the sunlight’s last hour. Behind him, he could sense Aoi walking about the living room, moving the instruments, putting them back where they belonged. They had worked on songs for several hours, trying new things out and practicing. The enthusiasm they felt after the news of the tournament several days ago had propelled them forward and gave the 5 of them even more energy and drive. The hours slipped past them in chatter and in music.
They departed finally in the warmth of good humor, friendship and hopefulness. They were going to conquer the world. They had so much to say, so much to express. The possibilities of music, of art presented itself to them like uncharted land and like open-hearted pilgrims they began to make their way, ready to discover and to tackle any problem that presented itself. They were young, eager, passionate and most importantly they felt inside themselves a strange invincibility that if they tried hard enough, were open enough, if they loved the music enough that they could achieve anything.
“Ah! I still have so much energy!” Aoi laughed. Uruha turned to watch him plop himself down on the couch only to jump back up to his feet and look about the room as if he had forgotten something. He was radiating with vigor and liveliness. He glanced at Uruha, watching the charming glow of the sun on his features as he stared back at him. “I love you!” he said as if he had an epiphany.
Uruha just stared at him.
“I love youuuuuu~” Aoi sauntered over to him and throwing his arms on him as if they weighed a ton, gripped his waist tightly. Uruha in response, pecked him awkwardly like a bird on the lips causing the other young man to chuckle at his expense. “You’re so weird.” He smiled lovingly.
Uruha lifting up his hands, ran them through Aoi’s hair and holding his head in place, kissed him once more, his lips enveloping his. Uruha despite his sincerity was a terrible kisser but to Aoi, who loved him intensely all his dorkiness was endearing and terribly charming. He smiled as Uruha repeatedly kissed him, a long mischievous and happy smile arching across his young and handsome face. Uruha moved away and stared at him. “What?” he asked.
“Nothing, baby.” Aoi couldn’t stop smiling. He stared at him, admiring him, feeling inside of him an incomprehensible joy that felt at any moment, ready to explode inside of him like a bursting star, like deep red Supernova. “Hey~” he grabbed his hands and swinging them back and forth between them, cooed and sang.
“Hey,” Uruha responded shortly.
“Hey~” he sang cutely in response.
“Hey,” Uruha replied in much the same manner but this time in order to create a comic effect.
“AHHH! It’s so quiet!” Aoi laughed and letting go of his hands, went up to the stereo and kneeling downward looked at their CD collection. Scanning the titles, with a quick motion of his finger, he pulled out one and humming to himself a random tune, opened the shiny square case and plucking out the disc, fed it into the stereo. He turned the case over and read the titles.
“What are you putting on?” Uruha asked standing still where he was.
“Our song, Ducky Baby,” he replied as he skipped tracks until he landed on Forever & Ever. Getting back to his feet, he swung around and in mock formality extended his hand toward him and bowed as if they were in a ballroom. It was a bit ridiculous. Here was this young, ratty kid-an orphan almost standing in this crowded living room acting like he was well-bred gentleman and speaking to another boy as if he were a lady, asking in a comically lofty voice “May I have this dance?”
Uruha stared down at the empty expectant hand, unsure what exactly he should do. He wasn’t as smooth as Aoi. He knew that if he were to dance, he would only embarrass himself and yet, he couldn’t quite refuse him. So with great timidity, he moved over to him and placed his hand softly in his. Aoi smirked handsomely before raising his eyes to his face. He straightened up and gripping Uruha’s hand in his, pulled him close, so close that his brow touched his and the space between their bodies was nearly nonexistent. Aoi wrapped his hand around his waist and pulled their joining hands inward. “Put your arm around my neck,” he whispered to him.
Uruha nodded and wrapping his arm around him, pecked him once more in his awkward birdlike fashion. “I’m sorry if I step on you,” he said nervously.
Aoi laughed softly. “It’s okay. You do it metaphorically already.”
“Huh?”
“Nevermind,” he smiled. “I’m just teasing.” He puckered his lips and pressed them softly against Uruha’s top lip, letting himself feel the sensation of the heavy middle tip against the inner bowl of his own. Gently he took a step to the side and led Uruha who tentatively followed him. “In the beats,” he whispered to him as he took another step to the opposite side.
Playfully, he stepped backwards quickly and laughing, pulled him close once again and swayed to the melody. Uruha stared at him still somewhat afraid of dancing. “Let go!” Aoi laughed. “Like ice skating.” When the drum quickened and the song rose in an exalting melody, Aoi in a spurt of joy, grabbed Uruha tightly and began to spin him round and round the room with him, laughing and giggling like an carefree child. Uruha’s feet fumbled about and even stepped on Aoi’s but after awhile, after making so many mistakes and awkward moves, he stopped caring and just let Aoi spin him around and around in the room. Uruha smiled his baby smile and laughed with him.
The room around them seemed to disappear in the haze of spinning and once they finally slowed down, they could look at nothing else but each other. It was as if the world around them melted and faded away, washed away in joy. “Do you love me?” Aoi asked with a smile.
“I love you,” Uruha replied. Aoi needed to hear it. He always did. He needed to know he was loved, that he in particular was wanted. He needed that more than anything. Hearing the words was like salve on his burning skin, like a cool rag on his feverish brow but more importantly they filled him with the desire to live. And like the melody of the song, he felt his own soul soar.
“Samayoi,” Aoi sang dramatically along with the song, letting himself dissolve into the melody. “Tsudzuketeru Kawaita kokoro wa~” Uruha laughed happily as he listened to him playfully sing. “Aisaretai to negau Hodo kizutsuite~” he continued.
Aoi was like the boy he used to know. The wild crazy one. Uruha rested his head on his shoulder and listened to him sing, closing his eyes he concentrated on Aoi’s glowing presence and the fire emanating off him. It warmed Uruha as he laid against him, swaying to the melody.
Once the song finally ended, they stopped where they were, hands still entwined as if frozen in a moment in time. Uruha had a strange sensation that he knew he would remember this instant just as it is now as if in the future, far away from this moment he would look up at the past encrypted in the night sky and feel the radiance of a distant star that exploded in a brilliant blaze a thousand years ago, a star that still existed in the glow it shot to the ends of the universe where it would never, ever end and from the earth, years from now, he could look up and marvel at its shimmering beauty.
He stood there against him. Breathless. In that fragile instant, in that flashing second, he felt the meaning of eternity and all its grace.
***
They parted from Rey and wandering the empty Tokyo streets, snaked through the alleys, laughing and joking. Reita with his hands jammed into his the pockets of his old jeans watched Ruki walk in a jagged line in front of him as if he couldn’t control his own steps. He moved around like a drunk man but in all honesty, he was merely this night, a restless child. He gazed up at the sky.
“You know if you look long enough at one star, you begin to see others,” he said pointing. “They become visible after awhile,” he added.
“Oh yeah?” Reita looked up and seeing one constellation, stared at it and just like Ruki said more white specks began to appear in the blue velvet of the night sky. “OH! You’re right,” he laughed.
“I’m always right,” Ruki retorted bluntly. Passing an alley, something caught his attention, something shimmering under the orange night lights. He wandered over to it and finding that it was a several spray paint cans amongst all the random garbage, he picked one up and shaking it, sprayed the side of garbage bin. “Hey, there is some paint left in these,” he said as he examined the cans. “We got black, pink and purple.”
“Pink?” Reita asked incredulously. “That’s strange.”
“I guess our vandal was super kawaii,” Ruki giggled.
“Let me guess, you want to go tag something?”
“This is providence,” the small boy continued to giggle, the aluminum can glittering in his hands. “Besides, do you have something better to do?”
“Probably…”
“But this is more fun.”
“Fine,” Reita smiled and picked up the two other cans. Taking them, the two of them traveled further down the alley looking for something interesting to splatter with random graffiti. Walking past a love hotel, Ruki wrote “Temple” on its door all the while chuckling as if he was clever. Across a promotional poster for a popular Johnny’s group, Reita sprayed in thick purple paint a gigantic penis poking one of the bug-eyed boys in the face and accentuating his work of art, he added black pubic hair.
“That’s fucking awesome,” Ruki laughed.
“Thank you!” Reita replied proudly and folded his arms as if he had just finished a job well done.
Continuing on, they passed a bridge and tagged it with their names. Vandalizing the sides of various buildings they wrote words like “Riot” in English and “Salary Fucktards” and other humorous and juvenile things. Once they finally tired, they took a break in a park. Ruki sitting down on the grass looked up at the playground covered in the soft shadows and orange glow of a quiet Tokyo night.
Except for a couple wandering bums, they hadn’t seen anyone. The city tonight was a ghost town.
“This is strangely fun,” Reita took a seat next to him. But Ruki, suddenly possessed with an idea quickly got back to his feet and going over to the slide with his pink spray can in hand, wrote on its grey surface “Shooting stars” and laughed, the joke being that as the kids slid down, they were like stars sailing across the sky.
Reita got up and walked over to him and seeing what he wrote, smiled. “You’re adorable, Ruki,” he chuckled and climbing the jungle gym positioned himself to slide down. “I’m going!” he announced and lifted his hands in the air as if he was about to embark on something scary.
“I’m here to catch you!” Ruki giggled.
Reita lying down, slid down the slide. Since it was for children, it didn’t last long but it still fun in its ridiculousness.
“My turn!” Ruki announced and climbing to his position, slid down as well. “We’re shooting stars,” he said. “I’m just missing my glitter,” he chuckled.
“Then, you’ll be complete.”
“Yup. I’ll be a glittering star,” he replied bluntly. “Fuck, I need a cigarette.”
“Hold on,” Reita searched his pockets and finding his pack pulled it out. “Damn, only one left.”
“Share?”
“No. It’s all mine,” he laughed but it was obvious that he was going to share it with him. He removed its little white body from the smooshed pack and finding his lighter, lit the end and took a drag before handing it to the needy hands of little Ruki.
“Let’s go on the swings,” he suggested as a cloud of smoke escaped his full lips.
“Only one works,” Reita laughed taking the cigarette from him. One swing was spun around the bar and therefore useless until someone with ladder could push it back and another was broken on one end, leaving the third and final swing the only functioning one. “You sit down and I’ll push you.”
“Okay,” Ruki immediately agreed. He loved the swings too much to be the kind and generous one and offer it to his friend instead. Without any further delay, he trekked over to the swing and sat down. Reita following him stood behind the swing and pushed him.
“Wooooo!” Reita bellowed out playfully.
“Wooooo!” Ruki repeated back at him.
Reita who finished the cigarette, threw the butt aside and continued to push his small friend on the swing watching him rise up into the air and fall back down.
“Reita, can I ask you something?” he suddenly said.
“Um…sure?” he laughed uncomfortably.
“Are you happy?”
“I’m happy.”
“That’s good.”
Several silent moments passed, Ruki rising and falling on the swing, Reita’s firm hands pushing him every time he fell back.
“Are you my best friend?” Ruki asked.
“I think so along with the other three.”
“Can I tell you something…” He was staring up at the stars, watching them appear.
“You can tell me anything,” Reita said in naïve and perfectly good humor.
“I slept with man I didn’t know not to long ago.”
Reita didn’t push too hard anymore. His wrists went limp as he processed what his friend had just told him.
“He’s some playwright. Forty-something years old…” Ruki continued.
Reita could feel a prickly numbness crawl up the back of his arms, a slight ringing like the reverberations of a bell buzzed in his ears. “How was it?” he asked.
“A Nightmare.”
When Ruki fell back, Reita instead of pushing him wrapped his arms around his waist to stop his swinging and held him there. “Are you okay?”
With his hands still on the swing’s chains, Ruki looked down at his arms. “I don’t know…I just wanted to tell someone, someone that cares about me.”
“Did he hurt you?” Reita’s voice was deep and soft behind him. He could hear traces of anger and nervousness, fear and confusion.
“He didn’t mean to.”
“But he did.”
“Doesn’t matter.”
“Yes, it does.”
“It’s over. In the past.”
“Ruki…are you hurt?” Urgency. He could hear his urgency and his desperation.
“He’s just another fool, a perverted rich fool.”
“He hurt you.” Confusion. Most of what Reita was feeling was confusion. At least, that’s what Ruki heard.
“Nothing I can’t handle.”
“What did he do?” Fear.
“We had sex.”
“But what did he do?” Anxiety.
“He bathed me. Shaved me. Took me to his bed. Fucked me. Made me suck his dick,” Ruki knew his words would only add to what Reita was feeling but for some reason, maybe for his own desire, his own bitterness, he wanted to hurt him if only indirectly for not being with him, for being with someone else even if that someone else was a girl like Kameyo. He didn’t care. He wanted something. Anything. It was that same need that made him accept Katsura. Maybe he didn’t love him if he wanted to hurt him in return like this. He wasn’t sure. Do you purposely hurt the ones you love? “He fucking jizzed right on my face.”
That was enough to fully disgust and disturb Reita. He let go of Ruki and stepping back, held the back of his hand to his mouth as if he were going to puke. “Ruki…” he managed to say in a suffocated whisper, his voice clogged from what could have been tears or vomit. “Oh Ruki…” he repeated.
Regret.
“It hurts the first time for everyone though.” Ruki dug his toe into the dirt.
“But…but…” Reita didn’t know what to say. “But it isn’t supposed to be like that.”
Sadness.
“Who cares…” Ruki replied bitterly.
“Who cares?” Aghast.
“I’m sorry I told you.” His words were meant to be a vicious jab.
“Ruki,” Reita without holding anything back walked over toward him and standing right in front of him, hugged him comfortingly.
“Don’t pity me.”
“I’m not pitying you.” Sincerity. “I don’t know what to say…” Honesty.
Ruki tentatively lifted up his hands and running them up his back, returned his hug. The physical embrace was almost sinfully gratifying. It was nice to have someone against you, holding you, their body pressed up against yours. He needed that. Wanted that. Desired it. He was almost hungry for the physical affection.
“I wish I knew what to do to make it better…” Reita gritted his teeth. Anger. Ruki knew that thoughts of violence swam through his brain, contemplating various attempts at revenge, all of which would be useless and they both knew it.
“Kiss me,” Ruki demanded as if Reita owed it to him, as if it was his fault. It wasn’t and he knew it but he still wanted it.
Reita pulled back and looked at him. Feeling his gaze on him, Ruki as he was ashamed of his demand looked down and avoided his eyes. “Kiss you?” he asked softly.
Ruki nodded.
Reita looked around as he thought about it, considering what that would mean if he did that. He knew that Kameyo wouldn’t be upset. That didn’t change the fact however that doing it meant that he would cross a bridge he couldn’t go back on. If he leaned forward and pressed his lips against his, things would be changed forever between them. He realized then that if he didn’t, things would still nevertheless be the same. There was nothing Reita could do but decide. Ruki proposed something to him, something that threatened to tear them a part or to bring them dangerously close and he had to pick.
As he waited for him to decide, Ruki felt his insides deepening into an emptiness. He felt unwanted. He felt like he was asking for handouts and hated himself with such an intensity he wanted to bring his hands to the side of his own head and smash his brains to wipe out the pestering thoughts of self-loathing. Maybe he should go home and wake Fuwa up and tell him what happened and cry like a pathetic child, just let go, let it all go. Katsura planted something inside of him, something like a parasite that was growing underneath his skin and eating away at his organs leaving a void where his flesh used to be. And his need consumed him. His need for Fuwa’s protection and warmth, for Reita’s loyal mindless love, for his father’s acceptance, his own sense of self, for his own dreams, for the sensation a mere touching- all this was becoming suddenly a heavy burden. The pain of life felt too great to carry.
“You know I still love you,” Reita said bashfully. Ruki looked up to see a flush or pink paint his cheeks as he rubbed the back of his head. It was strange to see Reita who compared to all these dark things, stood out like an simple child, blushing.
“You do?”
“I do,” he nodded and biting his lip and taking a deep breath, he leaned in and pressing his lips against Ruki’s, kissed him innocently. “Please be happy,” he said when he pulled away. And Ruki looking up at him couldn’t think of anything. His mind was wiped clean. Purified for that moment by Reita’s curious innocence. “Okay?” he added as he boyishly tasseled Ruki’s hair. “Okay?”
“Okay.”
[A/N Sorry for the short delay today. My alarm clock didn't work and I was woken up instead by one of my cats sending a box of jewelry crashing to the floor. The next post will be posted on the 15th, probably some time in the morning from 8-10 like right now.
Oh and the particular lyrics that Aoi is singing from F&E translate to "This parched wandering heart hurts so as much as it wishes to be loved" That seems like an awkward translation but you get the gist and hopefully why that line is important to Aoi's character ^_-. Farewell me loves! *bows*]
Author: Zion Shadowlet
Beta: butterflysaga(the bitch)
Characters: Aoi, Uruha, Ruki, Reita, Kai and many OCs (Fuwa etc.)
Pairing: Aoi/Uruha and more~
Genre: Drama, Romance, Friendship, Comedy
Rating: NC17
Summary: Six years have passed since the summer at the Dazai Bright Future Retreat for Troubled Children. The boys meet in an unexpected way perhaps bound by fate in the underground world of Visual Kei. With broken hearts and promises; the boys-now young men look to regain some of what they lost by the wild and reckless pursuit of the same dream.
Previous Parts: Part 1.1 | Part 1.2 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4.1| Part 4.2| Part 5| Part 6| Part 7.1| Part 7.2| Part 8.1| Part 8.2| Part 9| Part 10| Part 11| Part 12| Part 13| Part 14| Part 15| Part 16| Part 17| Part 18| Part 19| Part 20| Part 21| Part 22| Part 23| Part 24| Part 25
Her room had the lingering floral scent of funeral flowers, that fleeting scent that against the air was so pale, so thin that your mind and senses desperately tried to detect and grasp it. It slipped away from you only to come back once more and cause within you that same strange frantic need for it to be fully realized as a true scent.
Haru’s room even had the masking pleasantness of a funeral home, the delicate formality, the ease of it that was so gracious that it almost created a negative effect, causing in the visitor the feeling of suspicion and anxiety that something must be wrong.
Kai laid there in the tumbling softness of her tasteful pink and yellow blankets. He stared up at the ceiling and watched the shadows of the tree leaves tremble, feeling inside of him an uneasiness. Haru beside him, laid on her side, the blankets covering her naked breasts as she stared off, occupied in her own thoughts.
After they made love, it was always like this. Silent. And he wondered what it meant. She showed no sense of happiness, no sense of pleasure, just acceptance or wiliness. At first, he thought it a part of the subtlety of her characteristically Japanese femininity but after a while, he started to wonder about her, wonder if she just went about all her actions without ever being truly present.
The closer he got to her, the more she seemed like a ghost.
“Haru, what are you thinking about?” he asked.
It took her awhile to respond. “Things,” she finally muttered in a whisper.
“Things?”
“Things.”
“What sort of things?”
“Right now, I am thinking about the beach. About going there with my parents when I was younger. I love the beach especially when no one else it there.”
“I like the beach too,” he replied uselessly. He didn’t even think about his statement. He just said what he thought made sense. He turned and looked away from her, at the wall that she was absently gazing at. “Do you still like D’Marcus?” he asked quickly as the thought occurred to him.
“Why are you asking me that?” There was little trace of emotion in her voice. He could barely gather what she felt about his question or what her answer would be.
“Because you are with me now…”
She didn’t say anything. She finally looked away though from the wall and began to stare at the small repeated floral pattern on the sheet, tracing the petals with the tip of her finger.
“I see,” Kai finally understood what the answer was. “Haru, I don’t know about us anymore.”
She looked up at the side of his face.
“I don’t think that we are right for each other,” he explained as he balled the blankets in a tight fist.
“Are you breaking up with me?” she asked without a trace of sadness or disappointment.
“Yeah…I guess I am. I’m sorry, Haru.”
Silence.
“Are you upset?” he turned and looked at her face and seeing that what he had just said could not penetrate her dreamlike state, he felt a sudden moment of shock. Even if she had felt little to nothing for him, he had expected her to react in some way but what he looked upon was dreamy nonchalance. “Haru,” he repeated as if he were trying to wake her up.
“Hm?” she looked up at him.
“Are you okay?”
“Yes, I’m okay.” She nodded and blushing suddenly as if she were caught in an embarrassing act, turned around and faced the opposite wall so that he could no longer see her face.
Kai slipped out of bed and grabbing his clothes, began to get dressed. “I think I should leave,” he said. He knew that she wasn’t going to say anything so he didn’t wait for her to reply. Once he had finally put all his clothes on, he stood up and he looked back down at her wondering if there was something he was supposed tell her. Perhaps another consolation, an apology? He didn’t think it would end like this. There was no drama, no spark, nothing. It was like slipping through the fog. Being one place and passing in through a pale smoke only to reemerge into reality.
He sighed once more and looking around her room, he finally came to the realization that it was best the he just leave. “Goodbye, Haru.”
He wondered if this was the right thing.
Again no reply.
Kai walked over to the door and placing his hand on the cool brass knob went to open it. His hand lingered there as he heard her soft voice escape like a noise out of a grave “Goodbye.”
***
It was that time of day where the sun falling in the sky casted a glow so orange it was almost gold as it flooded the city beneath it, thickening the colors of the spring leaves budding in soft greens, the pale cherry blossoms, bouncing off the walls of the tall buildings, the glass and shiny plastic of cars as they drove past, glimmering.
Uruha watched out the window at the retreating forms of his bandmates as they headed home in the wake of dusk. Leaning against the pane, he stared outward as if he were in a dreamlike state not thinking of anything, calmed like a child in the gold of the sunlight’s last hour. Behind him, he could sense Aoi walking about the living room, moving the instruments, putting them back where they belonged. They had worked on songs for several hours, trying new things out and practicing. The enthusiasm they felt after the news of the tournament several days ago had propelled them forward and gave the 5 of them even more energy and drive. The hours slipped past them in chatter and in music.
They departed finally in the warmth of good humor, friendship and hopefulness. They were going to conquer the world. They had so much to say, so much to express. The possibilities of music, of art presented itself to them like uncharted land and like open-hearted pilgrims they began to make their way, ready to discover and to tackle any problem that presented itself. They were young, eager, passionate and most importantly they felt inside themselves a strange invincibility that if they tried hard enough, were open enough, if they loved the music enough that they could achieve anything.
“Ah! I still have so much energy!” Aoi laughed. Uruha turned to watch him plop himself down on the couch only to jump back up to his feet and look about the room as if he had forgotten something. He was radiating with vigor and liveliness. He glanced at Uruha, watching the charming glow of the sun on his features as he stared back at him. “I love you!” he said as if he had an epiphany.
Uruha just stared at him.
“I love youuuuuu~” Aoi sauntered over to him and throwing his arms on him as if they weighed a ton, gripped his waist tightly. Uruha in response, pecked him awkwardly like a bird on the lips causing the other young man to chuckle at his expense. “You’re so weird.” He smiled lovingly.
Uruha lifting up his hands, ran them through Aoi’s hair and holding his head in place, kissed him once more, his lips enveloping his. Uruha despite his sincerity was a terrible kisser but to Aoi, who loved him intensely all his dorkiness was endearing and terribly charming. He smiled as Uruha repeatedly kissed him, a long mischievous and happy smile arching across his young and handsome face. Uruha moved away and stared at him. “What?” he asked.
“Nothing, baby.” Aoi couldn’t stop smiling. He stared at him, admiring him, feeling inside of him an incomprehensible joy that felt at any moment, ready to explode inside of him like a bursting star, like deep red Supernova. “Hey~” he grabbed his hands and swinging them back and forth between them, cooed and sang.
“Hey,” Uruha responded shortly.
“Hey~” he sang cutely in response.
“Hey,” Uruha replied in much the same manner but this time in order to create a comic effect.
“AHHH! It’s so quiet!” Aoi laughed and letting go of his hands, went up to the stereo and kneeling downward looked at their CD collection. Scanning the titles, with a quick motion of his finger, he pulled out one and humming to himself a random tune, opened the shiny square case and plucking out the disc, fed it into the stereo. He turned the case over and read the titles.
“What are you putting on?” Uruha asked standing still where he was.
“Our song, Ducky Baby,” he replied as he skipped tracks until he landed on Forever & Ever. Getting back to his feet, he swung around and in mock formality extended his hand toward him and bowed as if they were in a ballroom. It was a bit ridiculous. Here was this young, ratty kid-an orphan almost standing in this crowded living room acting like he was well-bred gentleman and speaking to another boy as if he were a lady, asking in a comically lofty voice “May I have this dance?”
Uruha stared down at the empty expectant hand, unsure what exactly he should do. He wasn’t as smooth as Aoi. He knew that if he were to dance, he would only embarrass himself and yet, he couldn’t quite refuse him. So with great timidity, he moved over to him and placed his hand softly in his. Aoi smirked handsomely before raising his eyes to his face. He straightened up and gripping Uruha’s hand in his, pulled him close, so close that his brow touched his and the space between their bodies was nearly nonexistent. Aoi wrapped his hand around his waist and pulled their joining hands inward. “Put your arm around my neck,” he whispered to him.
Uruha nodded and wrapping his arm around him, pecked him once more in his awkward birdlike fashion. “I’m sorry if I step on you,” he said nervously.
Aoi laughed softly. “It’s okay. You do it metaphorically already.”
“Huh?”
“Nevermind,” he smiled. “I’m just teasing.” He puckered his lips and pressed them softly against Uruha’s top lip, letting himself feel the sensation of the heavy middle tip against the inner bowl of his own. Gently he took a step to the side and led Uruha who tentatively followed him. “In the beats,” he whispered to him as he took another step to the opposite side.
Playfully, he stepped backwards quickly and laughing, pulled him close once again and swayed to the melody. Uruha stared at him still somewhat afraid of dancing. “Let go!” Aoi laughed. “Like ice skating.” When the drum quickened and the song rose in an exalting melody, Aoi in a spurt of joy, grabbed Uruha tightly and began to spin him round and round the room with him, laughing and giggling like an carefree child. Uruha’s feet fumbled about and even stepped on Aoi’s but after awhile, after making so many mistakes and awkward moves, he stopped caring and just let Aoi spin him around and around in the room. Uruha smiled his baby smile and laughed with him.
The room around them seemed to disappear in the haze of spinning and once they finally slowed down, they could look at nothing else but each other. It was as if the world around them melted and faded away, washed away in joy. “Do you love me?” Aoi asked with a smile.
“I love you,” Uruha replied. Aoi needed to hear it. He always did. He needed to know he was loved, that he in particular was wanted. He needed that more than anything. Hearing the words was like salve on his burning skin, like a cool rag on his feverish brow but more importantly they filled him with the desire to live. And like the melody of the song, he felt his own soul soar.
“Samayoi,” Aoi sang dramatically along with the song, letting himself dissolve into the melody. “Tsudzuketeru Kawaita kokoro wa~” Uruha laughed happily as he listened to him playfully sing. “Aisaretai to negau Hodo kizutsuite~” he continued.
Aoi was like the boy he used to know. The wild crazy one. Uruha rested his head on his shoulder and listened to him sing, closing his eyes he concentrated on Aoi’s glowing presence and the fire emanating off him. It warmed Uruha as he laid against him, swaying to the melody.
Once the song finally ended, they stopped where they were, hands still entwined as if frozen in a moment in time. Uruha had a strange sensation that he knew he would remember this instant just as it is now as if in the future, far away from this moment he would look up at the past encrypted in the night sky and feel the radiance of a distant star that exploded in a brilliant blaze a thousand years ago, a star that still existed in the glow it shot to the ends of the universe where it would never, ever end and from the earth, years from now, he could look up and marvel at its shimmering beauty.
He stood there against him. Breathless. In that fragile instant, in that flashing second, he felt the meaning of eternity and all its grace.
***
They parted from Rey and wandering the empty Tokyo streets, snaked through the alleys, laughing and joking. Reita with his hands jammed into his the pockets of his old jeans watched Ruki walk in a jagged line in front of him as if he couldn’t control his own steps. He moved around like a drunk man but in all honesty, he was merely this night, a restless child. He gazed up at the sky.
“You know if you look long enough at one star, you begin to see others,” he said pointing. “They become visible after awhile,” he added.
“Oh yeah?” Reita looked up and seeing one constellation, stared at it and just like Ruki said more white specks began to appear in the blue velvet of the night sky. “OH! You’re right,” he laughed.
“I’m always right,” Ruki retorted bluntly. Passing an alley, something caught his attention, something shimmering under the orange night lights. He wandered over to it and finding that it was a several spray paint cans amongst all the random garbage, he picked one up and shaking it, sprayed the side of garbage bin. “Hey, there is some paint left in these,” he said as he examined the cans. “We got black, pink and purple.”
“Pink?” Reita asked incredulously. “That’s strange.”
“I guess our vandal was super kawaii,” Ruki giggled.
“Let me guess, you want to go tag something?”
“This is providence,” the small boy continued to giggle, the aluminum can glittering in his hands. “Besides, do you have something better to do?”
“Probably…”
“But this is more fun.”
“Fine,” Reita smiled and picked up the two other cans. Taking them, the two of them traveled further down the alley looking for something interesting to splatter with random graffiti. Walking past a love hotel, Ruki wrote “Temple” on its door all the while chuckling as if he was clever. Across a promotional poster for a popular Johnny’s group, Reita sprayed in thick purple paint a gigantic penis poking one of the bug-eyed boys in the face and accentuating his work of art, he added black pubic hair.
“That’s fucking awesome,” Ruki laughed.
“Thank you!” Reita replied proudly and folded his arms as if he had just finished a job well done.
Continuing on, they passed a bridge and tagged it with their names. Vandalizing the sides of various buildings they wrote words like “Riot” in English and “Salary Fucktards” and other humorous and juvenile things. Once they finally tired, they took a break in a park. Ruki sitting down on the grass looked up at the playground covered in the soft shadows and orange glow of a quiet Tokyo night.
Except for a couple wandering bums, they hadn’t seen anyone. The city tonight was a ghost town.
“This is strangely fun,” Reita took a seat next to him. But Ruki, suddenly possessed with an idea quickly got back to his feet and going over to the slide with his pink spray can in hand, wrote on its grey surface “Shooting stars” and laughed, the joke being that as the kids slid down, they were like stars sailing across the sky.
Reita got up and walked over to him and seeing what he wrote, smiled. “You’re adorable, Ruki,” he chuckled and climbing the jungle gym positioned himself to slide down. “I’m going!” he announced and lifted his hands in the air as if he was about to embark on something scary.
“I’m here to catch you!” Ruki giggled.
Reita lying down, slid down the slide. Since it was for children, it didn’t last long but it still fun in its ridiculousness.
“My turn!” Ruki announced and climbing to his position, slid down as well. “We’re shooting stars,” he said. “I’m just missing my glitter,” he chuckled.
“Then, you’ll be complete.”
“Yup. I’ll be a glittering star,” he replied bluntly. “Fuck, I need a cigarette.”
“Hold on,” Reita searched his pockets and finding his pack pulled it out. “Damn, only one left.”
“Share?”
“No. It’s all mine,” he laughed but it was obvious that he was going to share it with him. He removed its little white body from the smooshed pack and finding his lighter, lit the end and took a drag before handing it to the needy hands of little Ruki.
“Let’s go on the swings,” he suggested as a cloud of smoke escaped his full lips.
“Only one works,” Reita laughed taking the cigarette from him. One swing was spun around the bar and therefore useless until someone with ladder could push it back and another was broken on one end, leaving the third and final swing the only functioning one. “You sit down and I’ll push you.”
“Okay,” Ruki immediately agreed. He loved the swings too much to be the kind and generous one and offer it to his friend instead. Without any further delay, he trekked over to the swing and sat down. Reita following him stood behind the swing and pushed him.
“Wooooo!” Reita bellowed out playfully.
“Wooooo!” Ruki repeated back at him.
Reita who finished the cigarette, threw the butt aside and continued to push his small friend on the swing watching him rise up into the air and fall back down.
“Reita, can I ask you something?” he suddenly said.
“Um…sure?” he laughed uncomfortably.
“Are you happy?”
“I’m happy.”
“That’s good.”
Several silent moments passed, Ruki rising and falling on the swing, Reita’s firm hands pushing him every time he fell back.
“Are you my best friend?” Ruki asked.
“I think so along with the other three.”
“Can I tell you something…” He was staring up at the stars, watching them appear.
“You can tell me anything,” Reita said in naïve and perfectly good humor.
“I slept with man I didn’t know not to long ago.”
Reita didn’t push too hard anymore. His wrists went limp as he processed what his friend had just told him.
“He’s some playwright. Forty-something years old…” Ruki continued.
Reita could feel a prickly numbness crawl up the back of his arms, a slight ringing like the reverberations of a bell buzzed in his ears. “How was it?” he asked.
“A Nightmare.”
When Ruki fell back, Reita instead of pushing him wrapped his arms around his waist to stop his swinging and held him there. “Are you okay?”
With his hands still on the swing’s chains, Ruki looked down at his arms. “I don’t know…I just wanted to tell someone, someone that cares about me.”
“Did he hurt you?” Reita’s voice was deep and soft behind him. He could hear traces of anger and nervousness, fear and confusion.
“He didn’t mean to.”
“But he did.”
“Doesn’t matter.”
“Yes, it does.”
“It’s over. In the past.”
“Ruki…are you hurt?” Urgency. He could hear his urgency and his desperation.
“He’s just another fool, a perverted rich fool.”
“He hurt you.” Confusion. Most of what Reita was feeling was confusion. At least, that’s what Ruki heard.
“Nothing I can’t handle.”
“What did he do?” Fear.
“We had sex.”
“But what did he do?” Anxiety.
“He bathed me. Shaved me. Took me to his bed. Fucked me. Made me suck his dick,” Ruki knew his words would only add to what Reita was feeling but for some reason, maybe for his own desire, his own bitterness, he wanted to hurt him if only indirectly for not being with him, for being with someone else even if that someone else was a girl like Kameyo. He didn’t care. He wanted something. Anything. It was that same need that made him accept Katsura. Maybe he didn’t love him if he wanted to hurt him in return like this. He wasn’t sure. Do you purposely hurt the ones you love? “He fucking jizzed right on my face.”
That was enough to fully disgust and disturb Reita. He let go of Ruki and stepping back, held the back of his hand to his mouth as if he were going to puke. “Ruki…” he managed to say in a suffocated whisper, his voice clogged from what could have been tears or vomit. “Oh Ruki…” he repeated.
Regret.
“It hurts the first time for everyone though.” Ruki dug his toe into the dirt.
“But…but…” Reita didn’t know what to say. “But it isn’t supposed to be like that.”
Sadness.
“Who cares…” Ruki replied bitterly.
“Who cares?” Aghast.
“I’m sorry I told you.” His words were meant to be a vicious jab.
“Ruki,” Reita without holding anything back walked over toward him and standing right in front of him, hugged him comfortingly.
“Don’t pity me.”
“I’m not pitying you.” Sincerity. “I don’t know what to say…” Honesty.
Ruki tentatively lifted up his hands and running them up his back, returned his hug. The physical embrace was almost sinfully gratifying. It was nice to have someone against you, holding you, their body pressed up against yours. He needed that. Wanted that. Desired it. He was almost hungry for the physical affection.
“I wish I knew what to do to make it better…” Reita gritted his teeth. Anger. Ruki knew that thoughts of violence swam through his brain, contemplating various attempts at revenge, all of which would be useless and they both knew it.
“Kiss me,” Ruki demanded as if Reita owed it to him, as if it was his fault. It wasn’t and he knew it but he still wanted it.
Reita pulled back and looked at him. Feeling his gaze on him, Ruki as he was ashamed of his demand looked down and avoided his eyes. “Kiss you?” he asked softly.
Ruki nodded.
Reita looked around as he thought about it, considering what that would mean if he did that. He knew that Kameyo wouldn’t be upset. That didn’t change the fact however that doing it meant that he would cross a bridge he couldn’t go back on. If he leaned forward and pressed his lips against his, things would be changed forever between them. He realized then that if he didn’t, things would still nevertheless be the same. There was nothing Reita could do but decide. Ruki proposed something to him, something that threatened to tear them a part or to bring them dangerously close and he had to pick.
As he waited for him to decide, Ruki felt his insides deepening into an emptiness. He felt unwanted. He felt like he was asking for handouts and hated himself with such an intensity he wanted to bring his hands to the side of his own head and smash his brains to wipe out the pestering thoughts of self-loathing. Maybe he should go home and wake Fuwa up and tell him what happened and cry like a pathetic child, just let go, let it all go. Katsura planted something inside of him, something like a parasite that was growing underneath his skin and eating away at his organs leaving a void where his flesh used to be. And his need consumed him. His need for Fuwa’s protection and warmth, for Reita’s loyal mindless love, for his father’s acceptance, his own sense of self, for his own dreams, for the sensation a mere touching- all this was becoming suddenly a heavy burden. The pain of life felt too great to carry.
“You know I still love you,” Reita said bashfully. Ruki looked up to see a flush or pink paint his cheeks as he rubbed the back of his head. It was strange to see Reita who compared to all these dark things, stood out like an simple child, blushing.
“You do?”
“I do,” he nodded and biting his lip and taking a deep breath, he leaned in and pressing his lips against Ruki’s, kissed him innocently. “Please be happy,” he said when he pulled away. And Ruki looking up at him couldn’t think of anything. His mind was wiped clean. Purified for that moment by Reita’s curious innocence. “Okay?” he added as he boyishly tasseled Ruki’s hair. “Okay?”
“Okay.”
[A/N Sorry for the short delay today. My alarm clock didn't work and I was woken up instead by one of my cats sending a box of jewelry crashing to the floor. The next post will be posted on the 15th, probably some time in the morning from 8-10 like right now.
Oh and the particular lyrics that Aoi is singing from F&E translate to "This parched wandering heart hurts so as much as it wishes to be loved" That seems like an awkward translation but you get the gist and hopefully why that line is important to Aoi's character ^_-. Farewell me loves! *bows*]