Out of Choices - Chapter 33, Part 2
Title: Out Of Choices
Chapter 32: Connection (Previous Chapters: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19.1, 19.2, 20, 21, 22.1, 22.2, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33.1, 33.2)
Author:JCAddict/picklewinkle/Sher
Fandom: Twilight
Word Count:11,596
Rating: R/M, for sex and language
Story Summary: Bella is devastated by the loss of her mother and is forced to go live with Charlie, her Mom's best friend when there is no one else to take her in. She gives up on living, too lost in her own anger to let anyone close to her. Enter Edward, the handsome teenage vampire, and the beginning of a complicated love-hate relationship. Neither can deny the connection between them, but can their love survive the fear that rules her and the secret he hides from her? AU, OOC, Rated Mature for language and lemons. Also available at Twilighted.net
Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight and all of its characters. I'm just manipulating them like imaginary playdoh so I feel like I have some power over them **snorts**
33. Conflicted - Part 2
Part 1 here
“You’re angry?” he questioned.
“No, I’m not,” I admitted honestly. I was hurt, but trying not to be, and feeling rejected, but probably unfairly so, but I wasn’t angry. In truth, if I was anything, I was feeling dumb. I found myself wishing that I’d never tried to touch him so that I wouldn’t have fucked up the peaceful affection that existed in his arms. He moved towards me, tucking his body into mine, and I let him even though I didn’t find it comforting. His arms snaked around my waist and pulled my body even more securely to his. I wasn’t sure what he was looking for from me, a reaction or some kind of physical comfort. I tried to relax and let him take what he needed.
“Please don’t shut down on me,” he begged softly, his lips pressed tightly to my ear.
“I’m not,” I assured him. “I just need a minute to bounce back, that’s all.” He held me tightly, almost desperately, while his hands restlessly tried to soothe me with gentle caresses, or maybe it was more for him; I wasn’t sure. It didn’t make me feel better. In fact, I had to concentrate on anything but the sensation of his touch because I wasn’t capable of disengaging from my now misplaced need to show him my love while he was stroking me so lovingly. I wanted to be there for him, to provide whatever he was looking for, but I couldn’t revel in his affection without risking feeling further rejection.
“Bella, talk to me,” he pleaded. He tightened his arms and hugged my body for a moment and then planted a kiss on the side of my head near my cheek. “What I wouldn’t give to read your mind right now,” he murmured softly.
“I’m not thinking anything,” I lied.
“You can tell me anything, even if you think it might hurt me or upset me,” he assured me. “I’d rather know what you’re thinking then lay her fearing that you’re thinking the worst.”
“There’s nothing to tell that I haven’t already said. I just don’t rebound from the emotion that quickly.”
“It seems like more than that,” he whispered forlornly.
“It’s not. I’m just trying to be mature and respect your feelings…trying to be the woman you want me to be.”
“You are the woman I want you to be,” he insisted.
“Okay.” I’d finally found my robe and I tugged on it gently, trying to free it from underneath the two of us. “I’m just trying to get my robe,” I said weakly.
“Are you cold?” he asked worriedly, sitting up so I could pull the robe to me. I began to fumble with it and his hands came out to take it. “Let me help,” he offered, sliding the robe over my arms and shoulders. The soft velour fleece felt wrong, too warm and soft - not enough like Edward’s skin. The sense of loss was profound and strong, even though it was only perceived. I didn’t know when I would ever feel his skin against mine again, and it overwhelmed me. I quickly lay back down and waited for Edward to tuck himself back into my body. His hands lingered at my shoulders for a moment before he slid in behind me and hugged me to him again. I begged my tears to stay in place, desperate to not give into the emotion I was drowning in and start a new fight with Edward. I wasn’t sure if he would understand why I was upset and it felt selfish and self-absorbed to bring it to his attention when he’d made it clear that he didn’t want to be with me that way tonight.
The ensuing silence between us was deafening, and I started to wonder if my selfish emotional outburst might have been a better card to play. There was no space between our bodies but it felt as if an ocean separated us. I was betting not more than five minutes had passed even though it felt like an hour.
Edward kept his arms around my waist snugly, and his chin tucked into the crook of my neck. As the reticence dragged on, he seemed to grow restless, readjusting the position of his chin over and over again until finally he’d tunnelled it far enough into my neck that he displaced the collar of my robe. I felt a resurgence of want when his cool chin hit my warm skin and I tried to beat it back down. It didn’t help matters that I could feel his breath on my neck and his nose twitch against my jawbone. I tried to relax but even in my state of masked arousal I could sense his unrest. He pulled his face back from my neck, closed his eyes for a moment and then flicked his head to one side, as if he was shaking something off. I watched him from the corner of my eye, wondering what was bothering him, almost happy to have the distraction.
“Can’t get comfortable?” I wondered softly.
“Not exactly,” he mumbled. I dropped it as he settled his chin back into my neck, nudging the collar of my robe even further aside. His chin wasn’t still for long as he turned his face into my neck and kissed it tenderly. I closed my eyes and basked in the sensation as the electricity finally sparkled between us again, or at least it did for me. It gave me hope that things would be okay. A moment later he kissed my neck again. I felt the electricity shoot all the way down to my toes.
“Are you okay?” I wondered, hoping he’d explain what was going through his mind.
“Mmmm,” he murmured softly. His arm came away from my waist and then suddenly appeared at my neck, shifting the collar of my robe out of his way. Slowly he inched the robe down my shoulder, and each bit of skin he exposed he kissed, his lips following the path of the fabric until they ran out of skin to kiss. I almost felt guilty to enjoy it without understanding why he was doing it, yet I was too afraid to say anything that might make him stop. I just lay there and let him take what he needed from me, silently begging for more in my head.
Unexpectedly, he turned me towards him, rolling me decidedly on to my back. He pressed his body into mine and continued to kiss my neck and shoulder. I froze for a moment, trying to decide if I should let him continue, but I knew I had to speak up. As much as I wanted him to get caught up in what he was doing, I didn’t want him to have regrets later. “Edward,” I whispered.
“Hmmm?” he murmured, continuing to kiss me.
“Edward?”
“Yes?” He raised his head to look at me.
“I don’t really understand what you’re doing.”
He grimaced and looked down. “Things between us don’t feel right…ever since you put your robe back on I’ve felt strange.”
“Strange?”
“Like something is missing.”
“Nothing’s missing,” I assured him softly.
“But after you put your robe on, the connection between us… our skin…”
“The electricity disappeared,” I replied knowingly. “I noticed too.”
“I don’t like it…I feel disconnected from you. It’s like you’re not really there or there’s something keeping us apart.”
“I’m right here Edward,” I whispered soothingly. “Electricity or no electricity, I’m not going anywhere, and there’s nothing keeping us apart.”
“Promise?” he pleaded.
“I promise.” He pressed his lips back into my neck with a vengeance, running his hand down the centre of my robe and opening it. The shift in his emotions was palpable. I fought with myself about whether or not to warn him again. His hand burrowed under my robe and I whimpered softly at the contact as the electricity sparkled with an ever-increasing intensity between us.
“Edward, you said you didn’t want this,” I cautioned. The words felt wrong coming out of my mouth, yet I felt responsible to say something while I was still able to resist him. He didn’t acknowledge my words, not even with a tiny hum or moan. Frustrated, I reacted with the only other thing I could think of that might rouse him from his preoccupation and get his attention. I slipped my hand down his body, running it along his zipper, and stroked him. He was aroused again and he pressed himself against my hand, the opposite reaction to what I expected him to do. I moaned softly, completely turned on by his actions.
“Edward, you don’t have to do this for me,” I informed him softly, bending my head to whisper close to his ear. “I swear I’m not hurt. I don’t want you to regret this. It can wait until we’re both ready.” He pressed himself into my hand again. I was so torn. I wondered if this was what I made him feel like when I kissed him goodbye in the school parking lot, pushing my breasts into his chest and wrapping my leg around his ass. I wanted him to know I wanted him that night. Is that was he was trying to tell me now?
“Bella,” he whispered breathily into my ear, raising his lips from my neck. “You were right. If I truly believe that we can withstand anything, then I have to live like that. No more excuses.” His thought made no sense to me. Edward never rationalized.
“Edward, I shouldn’t have said that to you. It wasn’t fair. You have the right to wait until you’re ready. Please stop and think. You need to be sure.” I wasn’t even sure where the words were coming from, some place deep inside me where logic still lived, protected from my raging hormones.
Edward brought his lips to mine and kissed me firmly, pushing his tongue between my lips and into my mouth. His tongue twirled and pressed against mine powerfully, fighting to posses me, desperate to convey his ardour and commitment. His words echoed that commitment. “I mean it Bella. I can’t hide behind excuses. I can’t say we’re strong and deny that I want to be with you if I’m trying to prove my faith in us.”
“You don’t need to prove anything Edward.”
“I know, but I preach to you about having faith and act as if I have it all together. The truth is we are both afraid, and I’ve been putting my fear off on to you. I’m terrified of losing you, for any reason.” He cupped my cheeks tenderly, bringing his face close to mine, and spoke with a quiet conviction. “You are the most precious thing in the world to me…you’re everything…and if we only had tonight…if we only had this moment…I wouldn’t want to waste it on fear.” He pressed his lips softly against mine, savouring the kiss with the same reverence that emanated from his words. His words moved me; it was exactly how I felt. I didn’t want to worry about the future or the past tonight. I wanted to live these moments like they were the only ones that mattered. Whether we were meant to be together or would be undone, whether our problem was faith or fear, whether the sun would rise tomorrow or not, tonight what I wanted more than anything was to just love him. Let the world crash down on me tomorrow.
“Let’s just hold on to each other,” I murmured softly against his mouth, wrapping my arms around his neck. “Hold on and don’t let go.” Just like he had, I pressed my lips to his and kissed him sweetly, hoping the meaning in my words got through to him, that he would know that I just wanted to be connected to him, to love him and let him love me because our love was more important than anything else.
After a few moments, he shifted his lips away from mine, and while still holding my face, he kissed my cheeks and the tip of my nose and my forehead, reminding me of that day in the supply closet when he showed me just how well he could read me. Even then, before he knew I loved him or even cared for him, he knew how I needed to be kissed, knew how to love me when I didn’t know myself what I wanted. He released my cheeks and moved his lips to my neck, lavishing it in the same delicate and careful attention. I could feel an alien swelling of emotion inside of me; one I couldn’t place but one that did not scare me either.
His hands drifted, smoothing over my torso, and I fought to not let his touch take me under the way it had before. I concentrated on caressing the skin of his neck, letting my hands drop lower and knead into his upper back. His skin was smooth and hard and I could feel the outline of every single muscle. For as slender a build as he was, his back was amazingly well defined. It was no wonder he made me feel safe.
My hands continued to explore his skin, tickling and brushing along his back, trying to soothe and relax him, to tease and taunt him, to simply learn the architecture of his body as part of my own. It was glorious to follow the curve of his waist and run my hands just above the top of his jeans and feel nothing but his skin under my fingertips, but I knew I wanted more. I wanted him out of his jeans and pressed against me. I wanted skin to skin and bodies tangled. I wanted to get so lost in our connection that I wouldn’t know where he ended and I began. And I knew I wouldn’t be able to get any of that from where I was.
Before he could pin me further with the weight of his body, I wiggled out from under him and pushed him back lightly on to the mattress. I knew he wouldn’t understand what I was doing, but I had no control underneath him. If I was going to show him my love and not get lost in his in the process, control was not only important, it was imperative.
“Bella,” he complained as I pulled myself up and straddled his body. I chuckled under my breath at the idea of his poor male ego being bruised. I would make it worth his while.
“Shhhhh,” I cooed, settling my weight on his hips and leaning into him. I kissed his lips softly, giving him a moment to adjust his attitude before I continued.
“I…I need to know what you’re doing before you do it,” he confessed shyly.
Concerned, I looked at him for a moment, but respectfully agreed without asking for more explanation. “Okay.” He could tell me later if he wanted me to know, or maybe somewhere along the way I might come to understand all on my own.
“I want to do what you did to me,” I whispered, staring into his eyes and ignoring the way the lust there made me feel. I leaned forward and kissed him sweetly, pressing my pouting lips indulgently into his, knowing how my pout affected him. His hands reached for me, finding and gripping my knees as I traced his lips with the tip of my tongue. Again I pressed my lips into his, opening my mouth to deepen our kiss. His tongue rushed my mouth, deliberate and anxious for reciprocation and I let his kiss control me for a moment. If he needed some amount of control to feel comfortable I would willingly entertain him.
I moved my lips away from his mouth, gathering my hair into my hand and pulling it over my shoulder so it wouldn’t interfere with kissing him. I’d never told him how sexy I found his strong jaw line, but to me, it was the epitome of sexiness, so angular and masculine. I followed the contours of its unyielding profile, kissing my way along the bone until I reached his ear. “I’m going to kiss you neck now,” I purred against his ear. I let my lips trail down his neck, inhaling deeply to take in his delicious smell, part cologne and part Edward, but one hundred percent heavenly. I shifted my body down his, and the friction between our bodies made him hiss. “Sorry,” I mumbled between kisses. “It’s the cast.” I didn’t want him to think I was cruel; it just wasn’t easy to move fluently with my stupid leg.
I smoothed my hand over his skin, fingering the indentations of his deltoids and glossing over the rounded edges of his broad shoulders. His shoulders were every bit as manly and sexy as his jaw line but a turn on in a different way because they made me ache for the comfort of his arms around me. I kissed and licked along his skin and moved my mouth lower on his body, heading towards his nipple without thinking. I stopped just as I got there to warn him. “Do you remember what you did to my nipple?”
“Yes.”
“I’m going to do that to you now,” I informed him in a quiet voice.
“Bella?”
“Yes?”
“Let go of your hair please.” His request made my stomach drop. I loved that he knew what he wanted and wasn’t afraid to ask for it. I smiled and flicked my tongue out against his aroused flesh while I let my hair drop from my hand and splay across his ribcage carelessly. I wasn’t sure if the hair or the tongue caused the sharp intake of breath, but it didn’t really matter. It was sexy regardless of the cause.
I let my hands roam his torso, caressing and stroking everything within my reach as my lips and tongue committed his chest to memory. It was utterly breathtaking, beyond perfection, completely, absolutely, fundamentally paragon, and I made sure to appreciate every last inch of it before moving on.
I kissed my way to the centre of his pecs and followed the indentation downwards past his ribs before lifting my lips to speak to him. I studied his face for a moment, deciding he looked relaxed and took solace that I wasn’t getting what he liked totally wrong. “Edward?”
“Mmm-hmm?”
“I’m going lower now,” I warned playfully, and just because I wanted the encouragement I added, “hair or no hair?”
“Hair.” His quiet voice rumbled from behind his teeth like a growl. I won’t pretend that I didn’t love that I could do that to him.
I dragged my hands and my hair lower on his torso in a slow and deliberate manner, tickling and arousing his body as I moved. Instead of kissing him, I let my lips coast along his skin, hovering just about it, and occasionally I dropped my nose and nuzzled it against him. The sparse hair around his navel took me under. So fucking sexy. I ran my hand through it over and over again, enjoying the way it felt as I tugged it gently through my closed fingers. It was the only thing that could separate me from my preoccupation with getting him out of his jeans.
“Edward,” I murmured, raising my head to look at him.
“Yes?”
“Your jeans…” I let my voice trail off and fingered the button gently. It wasn’t that I couldn’t find the words to express what I wanted, more that it felt like admitting it out loud might make me lose control of myself. I swallowed hard and steeled my nerves. “Can I unbutton them?”
“Yes.” His voice wavered, unsure, so I moved slowly.
I planted soft kisses on his stomach again, hoping to provide a little distraction from what my hands were doing and relax him. The button opened with little effort; I just slipped my fingertip between the overlapping edges of the fabric and popped it. What I’d forgotten was that I’d undone his zipper on my earlier attempt to touch him so it caught me off guard when his pants came so open with just one button pop. My mistake was the gasp. Edward sat up so fast that I honestly didn’t see him move. One second it was just me and his open jeans, and the next second Edward was sitting up, grasping at my arms and pulling me roughly to him, assaulting my mouth with the coarsest kiss he’d ever given me. The rush of adrenaline that ran through my veins only heightened my arousal. He encircled my waist with one arm and pushed his other hand into my hair, pulling me to him so tightly that I could feel the friction between my legs.
“Edward,” I murmured against his lips, unable to budge my head from his fierce grasp. He wasn’t hurting me in the slightest, but I’d never realized how enormously strong he was. The intensity of his kiss slowed, softening and then sweetening into something I recognized. I let him lead again, giving him time to get a hold of the lust that he surrendered to. Slowly his hold on my body loosened.
“Sorry,” he whispered, letting his forehead rest against mine. “I didn’t mean to lose control like that.”
“It’s okay. I totally understand the intensity.” I wanted him to know he had nothing to be embarrassed about.
“It’s why I need to know ahead of time…so I don’t lose control…” I could sense his apprehension, although I wasn’t sure if it was over what he’d just done or something else he was alluding to.
“Edward, look at me please,” I requested softly, waiting for his caramel-coloured eyes to meet mine. “If this is too much, or something you’re not ready for, we can back off. I don’t want this to upset you.”
“It’s not upsetting me Bella. This…the difficulty controlling myself…it’s part of who I am. I will never escape it.” I didn’t understand his words but the sadness in his tone punctured my heart.
“Do you want me to move slower?” I asked, concerned with moving forward at all. He seemed genuinely upset.
“No, you’re doing a wonderful job.”
Even in his discomfort he took the time to care for me. It made me all the more determined to give him exactly what he needed. I wrapped my arms around his neck and nuzzled my head against his shoulder, running my fingers through his hair trying to soothe him and give him the time he needed to collect himself. I knew he was ready to continue when his body finally relaxed against mine.
“Did you want me to talk more?” I wondered softly.
“The more prepared I am for what you’re going to do, the easier it will be for me to govern the domination.” I blinked at his strange choice of words and then let them slide; I’d do anything he needed.
“So more talking then?”
“Yes, please,” he whispered, tucking his lips into my neck and kissing me to thank me for understanding. When his lips hit my skin I shivered and then blushed, realizing all of intimate things I was going to have to say out loud to Edward if he needed more warning then I was already giving him. He pulled back from my neck grinning triumphantly.
“Bella, why are you blushing?” I smirked and looked directly into his eyes, holding his stare for a few moments before I answered his question.
“You do realize you just asked me to talk dirty to you?” I teased, hoping my bravado masked my self-consciousness. The smile that spread across his perfect lips was all the encouragement I needed. “Are you ready to keep going?” He nodded and I watched as he lay his body back down on the mattress.
“You have too many clothes on Edward,” I informed him matter-of-factly, “and I need to remedy that. I’m going to get off of your hips, finish unzipping you and take your pants off. You are going to sit still, no, lay still, while I do it. No moving!” He smirked at me and nodded slightly, granting me the permission I was seeking in a very non-asking sort of way. I think a part of him enjoyed seeing the confidence in me as I took charge. I carefully slid off his lap with my hair veiling my face, hiding my expectant grin. I hoped the talking would help him because all it was doing for me was working me up. He wasn’t the only one struggling with control.
His jeans were mostly undone so I pinched the tab of his zipper between my thumb and index finger and slid it down the rest of the way. I knew that getting him out of his clothing was the last barrier to loving him, and unzipping him reminded me of opening a gift of jewellery. The blue velvet box was sleek and pretty and even a little bit sexy, but you knew instinctively, without even opening the box, that the contents would be precious and awe-inspiring and beyond your imagination; a perfectly set jewel, flawless and rare and extraordinary. Loving him physically would be all of that and more.
My hands began to tremble as I peeled his jeans back and started to ease them off his hips. I wasn’t sure I could control myself at all. Edward pushed himself off the bed with his arms to help me. I gripped the edge of the denim between my fingers and tugged hard a couple of times to persuade his pants far enough down so Edward could lay back and then shifted his hips down onto the bed with my hand. I held my breath as I slowly slid the fabric down his legs and off his body. I held my breath to prevent myself from gasping and fucking up again. I held my breath because he was wearing freaking black cotton boxer briefs that were utterly perfectly sexy on him. I held my breath because he was the most beautiful sight I’d ever seen.
I tried to readjust my focus as I crawled back up the mattress to him. Maybe if I just kept my eyes closed the perfection of every part of him wouldn’t make me come undone. Of course that meant I’d have to plug my ears and nose too; there wasn’t a single thing about him that didn’t turn me on in some way, his smell, the noises he made, the coolness of his skin. I was in so far over my head it wasn’t even funny.
“Edward, tuck your arms behind your head please,” I requested softly.
“Why?” he wondered, looking over at me curiously.
“It will give me more warning if you have to untuck them first, and you won’t be tempted to touch me.”
“I’m always tempted to touch you,” he replied impishly, wearing the most wicked grin.
“My point exactly,” I acquiesced. “This is about you. I’m not giving you the chance to change the subject.” Once he did as I asked, I settled my head onto his bicep and rested my body against his. “Edward, are you ready for me to touch you?” I wasn’t even sure I was ready.
“Yes,” he replied softly, in a shaky voice.
“I’m going to go slowly down your torso, but I’ll make what I’m planning obvious with my movements so I won’t take you off guard.” I put my hand on his chest, flattening my palm to show him what I meant about always letting him know where my hand would be. I let my fingers press into his skin as my hand drifted lower. By the time I reached his navel, I realized a full on grope was probably a bad idea so I lightened the pressure of my hand, and let my fingers brush along the top of his boxers. “Relax,” I whispered, just to give him one final cue before I touched him. I gently lowered my hand onto him and stroked him softly, up and then down again. He sucked in a big gulp of air but remained still. I repeated the motion of my hand with slightly more pressure and heard him swallow hard. I stroked him a third time and left my hand resting on him, rather than remove it, and heard him exhale in a relaxed fashion. He was ready for more. I curled my fingers around him so I could increase the friction of the sensation. I moved my hand up and down him, watching his face and enjoying the little changes that registered, the tightening of his closed lids, the way his head pushed back into the pillow, the refinements of his mouth as he strained and accepted the sensations created by my fingertips. I wondered if he watched me when our positions were reversed and something told me he had. The vulnerability in it didn’t even bother me; I only hoped he enjoyed my reactions the same way I was enjoying his.
“Edward, are you ready for skin to skin?” I murmured, kissing his chest just to remind him of our physical connection. He nodded but didn’t speak. “Are you sure?” I asked softly. “I would feel more comfortable moving forward if you spoke.”
“I’m sure,” he informed me breathily. Rather than try and remove his boxers, I let my fingers run along the waistband and then slipped my trembling hand underneath. I couldn’t recall ever feeling so anxious for anything in my life. I ran my fingertip along him gently and he hissed loudly. I hesitated, waiting for his torso to relax before I tried again. When I repeated the same movement he was fine. No hissing. No tensing. I took it as a good sign. I used three fingers this time, one trailing after the other, pressing against him with a delicate pressure. Again my mind wandered to what he must have felt like when our roles were reversed. Every time I touched him it made me want more - more skin, more touching, more friction, more of him. Every part of me ached for him and I struggled against giving into the rush that taunted me.
“Bella?” His voice was rough and quiet and made my name sound strange.
“Yes?”
“Will you take them off?” I pressed my lips together to suppress the nervous laugh that threatened to emerge. His question, while completely reasonable, was like asking a woman if she wanted chocolate - an unequivocal yes.
“Are you ready?” I questioned quietly. Because even if he was sure, I wasn’t sure I was.
“Ready.”
“I’ll do it the same way I did your jeans, easing them off your hips first,” I explained, laying my hands on his sides above the waistband. He nodded and pushed himself off the mattress with his arms again. Now I was sure I wasn’t ready - not ready to control my hormones or my reaction to him, and simply not ready to resist him.
“Bella, your hands are trembling.”
“I know…you’re not the only one struggling with control. There’s a lot of anticipation and newness…I just want to love you Edward. I’m totally okay with doing it however you need me to do it, but it’s hard to hold back when what I really want to do is just let go.”
“It’s the same for me Bella, and I feel like I’m asking too much of you.”
“You’re not Edward. I’m asking as much of you as you are of me.”
“Still…it’s not fair to you…”
“This is about loving each other, not fairness or right and wrong. Scoot to the edge of the bed.”
“Pardon?” he asked, confused.
“Just scoot to the edge of the bed,” I instructed, sliding myself off the bed awkwardly. I waited for him to sit on the edge of the mattress and then stood beside him. “Get naked.”
“What?” he asked, laughing.
“You heard me; get naked. Take your boxers off.”
“Bella!” he complained, not understanding where I was going.
“Edward, will you just trust me? Take them off.” He proceeded to stand and slip the black cotton briefs down and off and then returned to sitting on the bed. Out of sheer self-preservation, I didn’t look at him while he stripped off his undies. I was relatively sure I would just be gaping at him if I had.
“Bella, I don’t understand,” he admitted softly.
“I think it was easier for you to take them off yourself. You knew what to expect…less build up…but that wasn’t my point. My point was this.” I slipped my robe off and let it drop to the floor. I didn’t feel self-conscious standing in front of him naked, and the reason I didn’t was simple. “This is about loving one another, and nothing else. You ask me to give you some warning, and I ask you to let me touch you. Neither of is asking for too much; we’re simply asking for understanding.” He held his hands out for me and I took them, stepping towards him. “I just want to be close to you. If you give me the choice, I’m choosing being pressed up against you, but I’ll take whichever option keeps us together.”
“Come here,” he whispered, pulling me into his lap. I curled my arms around his neck and cuddled myself into his chest.
“Edward?” I whispered.
“Yes?”
“I don’t want to keep asking to touch you because I don’t want this to feel mechanical or clinical for you. What you did to me earlier…well…it was beautiful, and I only want to show you the same care and respect.” I lifted my gaze and looked right into his eyes. “I’m going to touch you now,” I told him softly, “and I’m not going to hold back this time. I’m going to close my hand around you, palm to fingertips, and stroke you, and I’m not going to stop until you come. I’ll start out slow and gentle, but as soon as I think you can handle more, I’m giving more, and I’m going to keep giving until you’ve had more than you can handle. Just let me love you.” Trying to be as obvious as I could, I pulled my hand away from Edward’s neck and let it smooth along his torso, stretching out my fingers and sliding them along his skin, watching them as the dropped into the space between his legs. I didn’t give myself a chance to hesitate. I didn’t want to prolong the apprehension of my hand making contact. I reached for him, wrapping my fingers around him gently, and began to move my hand up and down his hardened length.
I had to close my eyes to resist the electricity that buzzed between my hand and his flesh. It was like nothing I’d ever felt before, strong and steady like a heartbeat, and it was calling to me. If I thought I ached for Edward before, I had to rethink my entire definition. Edward shifted his body, leaning back and away from me, letting his arms support his weight. His face was tense and a small part of me panicked, assuming he wasn’t enjoying my touch, until I realized that he was just struggling with his control and trying to resist the electricity too. When I tightened my hand around him, he grunted quietly. There was such duality in it. It was erotic to know that I could make him feel this way, yet at the same time difficult to watch him struggle against the sensations.
I watched Edward’s chest as it heaved in and out with ragged, irregular breaths, his face squished up in concentration as my hand moved up and down him, each time a little more quickly. My light touch was slowly transforming into something more firm and resolute. I may as well have been touching myself for how aroused I was getting. Feeling him hard underneath my palm was the ultimate aphrodisiac.
I was doing a decent enough job resisting the electricity and the urges that taunted me; all those dirty little deeds I knew I couldn’t do without risking Edward’s control. I knew I didn’t have to do every naughty thing I’d ever thought about to him tonight. Still, there were things I wanted to do, desires that wouldn’t leave my thoughts, and the images they produced in my mind turned me on further and began a vicious cycle of positive feedback as they sped the pace of the hand that stroked Edward. As my hand moved faster, Edward’s control began to slip. The more he fought, the more turned on I got, and the more turned on I got, the harder I pumped my hand. Every action furthered the intensity of every reaction, and it would only end with the complete demise of Edward’s control.
I studied Edward’s reactions. I could see him straining against my actions, white-knuckling the sheets, resisting his lust and channelling his control. His focus was fucking awe-inspiring and I wished I could tell him. I could see the pleasure he was feeling in the set of his jaw and his parted lips, watching his shallow breaths become pants. It was like watching the images in my mind come to life, his reaction to the laundry list of wicked things I wanted to do to his body, right there on Edward’s face. I wanted to kiss him. I wanted to caress him. I wanted to be close to him and be even just a small participant in his bliss beyond the simple connection of my hand on his body, but I didn’t dare move. It wasn’t fair to Edward. I had to play by his rules and stick to the details I’d given him before I started.
I squeezed my eyes shut and tried not to watch him, but that only made my other senses keener. Every little grunt and moan that left his beautiful mouth amplified, echoing like a symphony off the walls of my room. I could feel his body tensing and shifting underneath my legs, straining against my hand. I wanted to end his agony, even if it was sweet agony, so I slid myself to the edge of his legs to make more room for my hand to work, and the simple shift of my weight was what brought Edward’s control down. His arms closed in around me, scooping under me to cup my ass, turning my body and spreading my legs open, pulling me back into his lap and flat to his chest. The electricity jolted between us. His hands pressed into my back wantonly, tangling into my hair and pushing my body further into his. His mouth covered mine in less than a heartbeat, coveting everything my lips had to offer, dominating my tongue and my lips and making me whimper into his mouth. There was nothing between us, and the feel of his skin pressed to mine was ecstasy, a thousand times more sensual than I had imagined. I could feel him between my legs, rigid and rock hard and pressed solidly into my thigh. I gasped for air and pulled back from his kiss, not because I didn’t want every thing he just offered me, but because I knew he didn’t.
“Edward,” I whispered hoarsely, trying to locate some volume for my voice.
“I need you,” he murmured. “I need you.”
I swallowed hard and felt a thrill run through my body as his words registered. “You can have me if you’re sure that’s what you want. Just reach out and take me.” I wanted it to be his choice. It was perhaps an inappropriate offering given the vulnerability of our position, but now that I knew he was in control of himself there wasn’t anything I wanted more.
“Protection,” he mumbled, burying his face in my hair and pressing his lips to my neck.
“It’s okay. I’m covered.”
“What?” he asked confused.
I smiled smugly. “Did you think I’d come unprepared? I have been to the doctor at least once a week since breaking my stupid leg.”
“Bella.” I could hear the weight in his tone and knew the gravity of what was about to happen had hit him. I hadn’t quite hit me yet. I was still trying to adjust to the proximity of our bodies and the bliss of his skin against mine. I wanted to reassure him.
“Love me Edward.”
His lips came back to my mouth, less urgent but just as passionate and I could feel the difference in him immediately. He wasn’t holding back or trying to resist. I almost lost it right then and there. This was the love I wanted to give to Edward, unrestrained and free. I wanted to deliver him the same way he’d done for me. I pushed my hand between our bodies and grasped him between my fingers, lifting my hips so we could connect.
“Bella, your leg?” he asked worriedly.
“I’m fine,” I assured him. “It’s probably easier this way with the cast anyway. Besides, I want to be greedy and be right there with you when you go over.” I had no idea if he would understand my reasoning, but he didn’t question it. I shifted my hips and brought my body down on him slowly. The friction between my legs made me whimper loudly. Edward reached out for me when my body tensed and held me to him while I relaxed and adjusted to the sensation.
“I’m sorry,” he murmured repentantly against my ear. “Go slow. I don’t want to hurt you.” He was so thoughtful, but overly protective. The discomfort only lasted a moment. The whimper was more about the overwhelm of the connection then the tiny blip of pain I felt.
“You won’t hurt me,” I told him decidedly. I knew he would rather die than hurt me.
The first few movements were conspicuously awkward and unsophisticated, but the innocence and purity of our connection masked any negativity. It was pure ecstasy to be so close to him, impossible not to get lost in him. His arms made me feel safe and wanted as they held me tightly to his chest. His mouth kissed mine, kissed my neck and shoulders and any other place it could reach that wouldn’t require him to let go of me.
I wrapped my arms around his neck and heard him moan. “I love your hands on my neck,” he clarified in a husky voice, pulling back from our kiss to explain. I didn’t need the explanation, but I loved it anyway. He could tell me all of the ways to drive him crazy. I would never get sick of hearing about them. Spurred on by his admission, I started to move my hips faster, grinding against his hips and enjoying the friction it created.
“Bella, if you keep that up I won’t last long,” he whispered. I don’t think he was embarrassed; he just wanted me to have the facts.
“Who said I wanted it to last long?” I teased, grinding down harder just to prove my point. This was still my game, still my love to give. He was just granting me that deeper connection I sought, the one that went beyond my hand, but the control was mine.
Not to be outdone, Edward shifted his hips back and when I came down on him this time the friction spiked and I moaned, loudly and unabashedly. It was either that or Edward was going to hear a whole string of expletives; not that he didn’t expect those from me too. It was hard to remember that I wasn’t in this for me when he made it feel that good for me. I wasn’t ready to give in to his way of doing things yet though.
I moved my hips faster, making the movements more shallow but building intensity. It was easier for me to handle than Edward. I could feel the difference in him instantly. His body was more rigid and he held me a little more tightly. His eyes begged me to slow down but I didn’t want to.
“This is for you,” I whispered.
“This is for us,” he echoed. He was right in so many ways, but his needs were my only concern tonight. We had a lifetime to perfect the technique, endless nights to love and be loved by one another. Tonight, this moment, it was Edward’s. He’d already given mine earlier.
I angled my hips to take more of him inside me with each thrust. I caressed his neck. I tipped my head back to tease his arms with my hair. I wanted him to have everything he needed and wanted. I felt even more connected to him once he filled his hand with a fistful of my hair, tangling it around his fingers and dropping his head to my shoulder.
“Bella.” My name was a soft whisper on his lips, a pleading to slow down, an acquiescence of his will to control his body, an admission that he was losing the struggle. I wanted to explain that it wasn’t a struggle but he would understand soon enough.
I sped my hips with quick shallow movements, holding my body to his and urging him on. I fisted his hair and buried my lips in the side of his neck, kissing him softly and whispering encouragement into his waiting ear. “Give in.” I ground my hips into his again and again, murmuring, “I love you,” as his hands tightened around me.
A low deep moan rumbled from his throat and his hands dug into my back. He lifted his head and tipped it backwards and I watched as he came undone. I kept my hips moving trying to maximize his pleasure while his body trembled in my arms and another moan left his lips. He was magnificent. It was like an implosion of euphoria as he came apart inside of me, holding me tightly to him, making sure I rode the exhilaration with him. Every part of me tingled with the results of our efforts, the ache replaced by rapture.
I stilled my hips and held him tenderly and waited for him to come out of the fog of feelings that must have flooded him during his orgasm. If it was anything like mine it was the best kind of overwhelm. Forever Edward, as soon as he could form a coherent though, he pushed his own desires aside. He scooped me up and pulled us over to the pillows. When I rolled on to my back, Edward gathered my body in his arms and nuzzled his head into my stomach after pulling the comforter onto both of us. I ran my fingers through his bronze hair as he snuggled into my body to recover. We were both completely blissful. I couldn’t have asked for anything more in that moment, save for one tiny thing.
“Can you stay with me tonight?”
“What about Charlie?”
“He’s gone for the next 3 days; fishing trip.” He smiled and I giggled. Charlie had great timing. What could I say?
“I’m here as long as you’ll keep me then,” he assured me sweetly, planting a soft kiss on my skin.
“That’s easy. Forever.”
A/N: Reviews are much appreciated, gratefully accepted and for the most part, replied to :o)
Chapter 32: Connection (Previous Chapters: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19.1, 19.2, 20, 21, 22.1, 22.2, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33.1, 33.2)
Author:JCAddict/picklewinkle/Sher
Fandom: Twilight
Word Count:11,596
Rating: R/M, for sex and language
Story Summary: Bella is devastated by the loss of her mother and is forced to go live with Charlie, her Mom's best friend when there is no one else to take her in. She gives up on living, too lost in her own anger to let anyone close to her. Enter Edward, the handsome teenage vampire, and the beginning of a complicated love-hate relationship. Neither can deny the connection between them, but can their love survive the fear that rules her and the secret he hides from her? AU, OOC, Rated Mature for language and lemons. Also available at Twilighted.net
Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight and all of its characters. I'm just manipulating them like imaginary playdoh so I feel like I have some power over them **snorts**
33. Conflicted - Part 2
Part 1 here
“You’re angry?” he questioned.
“No, I’m not,” I admitted honestly. I was hurt, but trying not to be, and feeling rejected, but probably unfairly so, but I wasn’t angry. In truth, if I was anything, I was feeling dumb. I found myself wishing that I’d never tried to touch him so that I wouldn’t have fucked up the peaceful affection that existed in his arms. He moved towards me, tucking his body into mine, and I let him even though I didn’t find it comforting. His arms snaked around my waist and pulled my body even more securely to his. I wasn’t sure what he was looking for from me, a reaction or some kind of physical comfort. I tried to relax and let him take what he needed.
“Please don’t shut down on me,” he begged softly, his lips pressed tightly to my ear.
“I’m not,” I assured him. “I just need a minute to bounce back, that’s all.” He held me tightly, almost desperately, while his hands restlessly tried to soothe me with gentle caresses, or maybe it was more for him; I wasn’t sure. It didn’t make me feel better. In fact, I had to concentrate on anything but the sensation of his touch because I wasn’t capable of disengaging from my now misplaced need to show him my love while he was stroking me so lovingly. I wanted to be there for him, to provide whatever he was looking for, but I couldn’t revel in his affection without risking feeling further rejection.
“Bella, talk to me,” he pleaded. He tightened his arms and hugged my body for a moment and then planted a kiss on the side of my head near my cheek. “What I wouldn’t give to read your mind right now,” he murmured softly.
“I’m not thinking anything,” I lied.
“You can tell me anything, even if you think it might hurt me or upset me,” he assured me. “I’d rather know what you’re thinking then lay her fearing that you’re thinking the worst.”
“There’s nothing to tell that I haven’t already said. I just don’t rebound from the emotion that quickly.”
“It seems like more than that,” he whispered forlornly.
“It’s not. I’m just trying to be mature and respect your feelings…trying to be the woman you want me to be.”
“You are the woman I want you to be,” he insisted.
“Okay.” I’d finally found my robe and I tugged on it gently, trying to free it from underneath the two of us. “I’m just trying to get my robe,” I said weakly.
“Are you cold?” he asked worriedly, sitting up so I could pull the robe to me. I began to fumble with it and his hands came out to take it. “Let me help,” he offered, sliding the robe over my arms and shoulders. The soft velour fleece felt wrong, too warm and soft - not enough like Edward’s skin. The sense of loss was profound and strong, even though it was only perceived. I didn’t know when I would ever feel his skin against mine again, and it overwhelmed me. I quickly lay back down and waited for Edward to tuck himself back into my body. His hands lingered at my shoulders for a moment before he slid in behind me and hugged me to him again. I begged my tears to stay in place, desperate to not give into the emotion I was drowning in and start a new fight with Edward. I wasn’t sure if he would understand why I was upset and it felt selfish and self-absorbed to bring it to his attention when he’d made it clear that he didn’t want to be with me that way tonight.
The ensuing silence between us was deafening, and I started to wonder if my selfish emotional outburst might have been a better card to play. There was no space between our bodies but it felt as if an ocean separated us. I was betting not more than five minutes had passed even though it felt like an hour.
Edward kept his arms around my waist snugly, and his chin tucked into the crook of my neck. As the reticence dragged on, he seemed to grow restless, readjusting the position of his chin over and over again until finally he’d tunnelled it far enough into my neck that he displaced the collar of my robe. I felt a resurgence of want when his cool chin hit my warm skin and I tried to beat it back down. It didn’t help matters that I could feel his breath on my neck and his nose twitch against my jawbone. I tried to relax but even in my state of masked arousal I could sense his unrest. He pulled his face back from my neck, closed his eyes for a moment and then flicked his head to one side, as if he was shaking something off. I watched him from the corner of my eye, wondering what was bothering him, almost happy to have the distraction.
“Can’t get comfortable?” I wondered softly.
“Not exactly,” he mumbled. I dropped it as he settled his chin back into my neck, nudging the collar of my robe even further aside. His chin wasn’t still for long as he turned his face into my neck and kissed it tenderly. I closed my eyes and basked in the sensation as the electricity finally sparkled between us again, or at least it did for me. It gave me hope that things would be okay. A moment later he kissed my neck again. I felt the electricity shoot all the way down to my toes.
“Are you okay?” I wondered, hoping he’d explain what was going through his mind.
“Mmmm,” he murmured softly. His arm came away from my waist and then suddenly appeared at my neck, shifting the collar of my robe out of his way. Slowly he inched the robe down my shoulder, and each bit of skin he exposed he kissed, his lips following the path of the fabric until they ran out of skin to kiss. I almost felt guilty to enjoy it without understanding why he was doing it, yet I was too afraid to say anything that might make him stop. I just lay there and let him take what he needed from me, silently begging for more in my head.
Unexpectedly, he turned me towards him, rolling me decidedly on to my back. He pressed his body into mine and continued to kiss my neck and shoulder. I froze for a moment, trying to decide if I should let him continue, but I knew I had to speak up. As much as I wanted him to get caught up in what he was doing, I didn’t want him to have regrets later. “Edward,” I whispered.
“Hmmm?” he murmured, continuing to kiss me.
“Edward?”
“Yes?” He raised his head to look at me.
“I don’t really understand what you’re doing.”
He grimaced and looked down. “Things between us don’t feel right…ever since you put your robe back on I’ve felt strange.”
“Strange?”
“Like something is missing.”
“Nothing’s missing,” I assured him softly.
“But after you put your robe on, the connection between us… our skin…”
“The electricity disappeared,” I replied knowingly. “I noticed too.”
“I don’t like it…I feel disconnected from you. It’s like you’re not really there or there’s something keeping us apart.”
“I’m right here Edward,” I whispered soothingly. “Electricity or no electricity, I’m not going anywhere, and there’s nothing keeping us apart.”
“Promise?” he pleaded.
“I promise.” He pressed his lips back into my neck with a vengeance, running his hand down the centre of my robe and opening it. The shift in his emotions was palpable. I fought with myself about whether or not to warn him again. His hand burrowed under my robe and I whimpered softly at the contact as the electricity sparkled with an ever-increasing intensity between us.
“Edward, you said you didn’t want this,” I cautioned. The words felt wrong coming out of my mouth, yet I felt responsible to say something while I was still able to resist him. He didn’t acknowledge my words, not even with a tiny hum or moan. Frustrated, I reacted with the only other thing I could think of that might rouse him from his preoccupation and get his attention. I slipped my hand down his body, running it along his zipper, and stroked him. He was aroused again and he pressed himself against my hand, the opposite reaction to what I expected him to do. I moaned softly, completely turned on by his actions.
“Edward, you don’t have to do this for me,” I informed him softly, bending my head to whisper close to his ear. “I swear I’m not hurt. I don’t want you to regret this. It can wait until we’re both ready.” He pressed himself into my hand again. I was so torn. I wondered if this was what I made him feel like when I kissed him goodbye in the school parking lot, pushing my breasts into his chest and wrapping my leg around his ass. I wanted him to know I wanted him that night. Is that was he was trying to tell me now?
“Bella,” he whispered breathily into my ear, raising his lips from my neck. “You were right. If I truly believe that we can withstand anything, then I have to live like that. No more excuses.” His thought made no sense to me. Edward never rationalized.
“Edward, I shouldn’t have said that to you. It wasn’t fair. You have the right to wait until you’re ready. Please stop and think. You need to be sure.” I wasn’t even sure where the words were coming from, some place deep inside me where logic still lived, protected from my raging hormones.
Edward brought his lips to mine and kissed me firmly, pushing his tongue between my lips and into my mouth. His tongue twirled and pressed against mine powerfully, fighting to posses me, desperate to convey his ardour and commitment. His words echoed that commitment. “I mean it Bella. I can’t hide behind excuses. I can’t say we’re strong and deny that I want to be with you if I’m trying to prove my faith in us.”
“You don’t need to prove anything Edward.”
“I know, but I preach to you about having faith and act as if I have it all together. The truth is we are both afraid, and I’ve been putting my fear off on to you. I’m terrified of losing you, for any reason.” He cupped my cheeks tenderly, bringing his face close to mine, and spoke with a quiet conviction. “You are the most precious thing in the world to me…you’re everything…and if we only had tonight…if we only had this moment…I wouldn’t want to waste it on fear.” He pressed his lips softly against mine, savouring the kiss with the same reverence that emanated from his words. His words moved me; it was exactly how I felt. I didn’t want to worry about the future or the past tonight. I wanted to live these moments like they were the only ones that mattered. Whether we were meant to be together or would be undone, whether our problem was faith or fear, whether the sun would rise tomorrow or not, tonight what I wanted more than anything was to just love him. Let the world crash down on me tomorrow.
“Let’s just hold on to each other,” I murmured softly against his mouth, wrapping my arms around his neck. “Hold on and don’t let go.” Just like he had, I pressed my lips to his and kissed him sweetly, hoping the meaning in my words got through to him, that he would know that I just wanted to be connected to him, to love him and let him love me because our love was more important than anything else.
After a few moments, he shifted his lips away from mine, and while still holding my face, he kissed my cheeks and the tip of my nose and my forehead, reminding me of that day in the supply closet when he showed me just how well he could read me. Even then, before he knew I loved him or even cared for him, he knew how I needed to be kissed, knew how to love me when I didn’t know myself what I wanted. He released my cheeks and moved his lips to my neck, lavishing it in the same delicate and careful attention. I could feel an alien swelling of emotion inside of me; one I couldn’t place but one that did not scare me either.
His hands drifted, smoothing over my torso, and I fought to not let his touch take me under the way it had before. I concentrated on caressing the skin of his neck, letting my hands drop lower and knead into his upper back. His skin was smooth and hard and I could feel the outline of every single muscle. For as slender a build as he was, his back was amazingly well defined. It was no wonder he made me feel safe.
My hands continued to explore his skin, tickling and brushing along his back, trying to soothe and relax him, to tease and taunt him, to simply learn the architecture of his body as part of my own. It was glorious to follow the curve of his waist and run my hands just above the top of his jeans and feel nothing but his skin under my fingertips, but I knew I wanted more. I wanted him out of his jeans and pressed against me. I wanted skin to skin and bodies tangled. I wanted to get so lost in our connection that I wouldn’t know where he ended and I began. And I knew I wouldn’t be able to get any of that from where I was.
Before he could pin me further with the weight of his body, I wiggled out from under him and pushed him back lightly on to the mattress. I knew he wouldn’t understand what I was doing, but I had no control underneath him. If I was going to show him my love and not get lost in his in the process, control was not only important, it was imperative.
“Bella,” he complained as I pulled myself up and straddled his body. I chuckled under my breath at the idea of his poor male ego being bruised. I would make it worth his while.
“Shhhhh,” I cooed, settling my weight on his hips and leaning into him. I kissed his lips softly, giving him a moment to adjust his attitude before I continued.
“I…I need to know what you’re doing before you do it,” he confessed shyly.
Concerned, I looked at him for a moment, but respectfully agreed without asking for more explanation. “Okay.” He could tell me later if he wanted me to know, or maybe somewhere along the way I might come to understand all on my own.
“I want to do what you did to me,” I whispered, staring into his eyes and ignoring the way the lust there made me feel. I leaned forward and kissed him sweetly, pressing my pouting lips indulgently into his, knowing how my pout affected him. His hands reached for me, finding and gripping my knees as I traced his lips with the tip of my tongue. Again I pressed my lips into his, opening my mouth to deepen our kiss. His tongue rushed my mouth, deliberate and anxious for reciprocation and I let his kiss control me for a moment. If he needed some amount of control to feel comfortable I would willingly entertain him.
I moved my lips away from his mouth, gathering my hair into my hand and pulling it over my shoulder so it wouldn’t interfere with kissing him. I’d never told him how sexy I found his strong jaw line, but to me, it was the epitome of sexiness, so angular and masculine. I followed the contours of its unyielding profile, kissing my way along the bone until I reached his ear. “I’m going to kiss you neck now,” I purred against his ear. I let my lips trail down his neck, inhaling deeply to take in his delicious smell, part cologne and part Edward, but one hundred percent heavenly. I shifted my body down his, and the friction between our bodies made him hiss. “Sorry,” I mumbled between kisses. “It’s the cast.” I didn’t want him to think I was cruel; it just wasn’t easy to move fluently with my stupid leg.
I smoothed my hand over his skin, fingering the indentations of his deltoids and glossing over the rounded edges of his broad shoulders. His shoulders were every bit as manly and sexy as his jaw line but a turn on in a different way because they made me ache for the comfort of his arms around me. I kissed and licked along his skin and moved my mouth lower on his body, heading towards his nipple without thinking. I stopped just as I got there to warn him. “Do you remember what you did to my nipple?”
“Yes.”
“I’m going to do that to you now,” I informed him in a quiet voice.
“Bella?”
“Yes?”
“Let go of your hair please.” His request made my stomach drop. I loved that he knew what he wanted and wasn’t afraid to ask for it. I smiled and flicked my tongue out against his aroused flesh while I let my hair drop from my hand and splay across his ribcage carelessly. I wasn’t sure if the hair or the tongue caused the sharp intake of breath, but it didn’t really matter. It was sexy regardless of the cause.
I let my hands roam his torso, caressing and stroking everything within my reach as my lips and tongue committed his chest to memory. It was utterly breathtaking, beyond perfection, completely, absolutely, fundamentally paragon, and I made sure to appreciate every last inch of it before moving on.
I kissed my way to the centre of his pecs and followed the indentation downwards past his ribs before lifting my lips to speak to him. I studied his face for a moment, deciding he looked relaxed and took solace that I wasn’t getting what he liked totally wrong. “Edward?”
“Mmm-hmm?”
“I’m going lower now,” I warned playfully, and just because I wanted the encouragement I added, “hair or no hair?”
“Hair.” His quiet voice rumbled from behind his teeth like a growl. I won’t pretend that I didn’t love that I could do that to him.
I dragged my hands and my hair lower on his torso in a slow and deliberate manner, tickling and arousing his body as I moved. Instead of kissing him, I let my lips coast along his skin, hovering just about it, and occasionally I dropped my nose and nuzzled it against him. The sparse hair around his navel took me under. So fucking sexy. I ran my hand through it over and over again, enjoying the way it felt as I tugged it gently through my closed fingers. It was the only thing that could separate me from my preoccupation with getting him out of his jeans.
“Edward,” I murmured, raising my head to look at him.
“Yes?”
“Your jeans…” I let my voice trail off and fingered the button gently. It wasn’t that I couldn’t find the words to express what I wanted, more that it felt like admitting it out loud might make me lose control of myself. I swallowed hard and steeled my nerves. “Can I unbutton them?”
“Yes.” His voice wavered, unsure, so I moved slowly.
I planted soft kisses on his stomach again, hoping to provide a little distraction from what my hands were doing and relax him. The button opened with little effort; I just slipped my fingertip between the overlapping edges of the fabric and popped it. What I’d forgotten was that I’d undone his zipper on my earlier attempt to touch him so it caught me off guard when his pants came so open with just one button pop. My mistake was the gasp. Edward sat up so fast that I honestly didn’t see him move. One second it was just me and his open jeans, and the next second Edward was sitting up, grasping at my arms and pulling me roughly to him, assaulting my mouth with the coarsest kiss he’d ever given me. The rush of adrenaline that ran through my veins only heightened my arousal. He encircled my waist with one arm and pushed his other hand into my hair, pulling me to him so tightly that I could feel the friction between my legs.
“Edward,” I murmured against his lips, unable to budge my head from his fierce grasp. He wasn’t hurting me in the slightest, but I’d never realized how enormously strong he was. The intensity of his kiss slowed, softening and then sweetening into something I recognized. I let him lead again, giving him time to get a hold of the lust that he surrendered to. Slowly his hold on my body loosened.
“Sorry,” he whispered, letting his forehead rest against mine. “I didn’t mean to lose control like that.”
“It’s okay. I totally understand the intensity.” I wanted him to know he had nothing to be embarrassed about.
“It’s why I need to know ahead of time…so I don’t lose control…” I could sense his apprehension, although I wasn’t sure if it was over what he’d just done or something else he was alluding to.
“Edward, look at me please,” I requested softly, waiting for his caramel-coloured eyes to meet mine. “If this is too much, or something you’re not ready for, we can back off. I don’t want this to upset you.”
“It’s not upsetting me Bella. This…the difficulty controlling myself…it’s part of who I am. I will never escape it.” I didn’t understand his words but the sadness in his tone punctured my heart.
“Do you want me to move slower?” I asked, concerned with moving forward at all. He seemed genuinely upset.
“No, you’re doing a wonderful job.”
Even in his discomfort he took the time to care for me. It made me all the more determined to give him exactly what he needed. I wrapped my arms around his neck and nuzzled my head against his shoulder, running my fingers through his hair trying to soothe him and give him the time he needed to collect himself. I knew he was ready to continue when his body finally relaxed against mine.
“Did you want me to talk more?” I wondered softly.
“The more prepared I am for what you’re going to do, the easier it will be for me to govern the domination.” I blinked at his strange choice of words and then let them slide; I’d do anything he needed.
“So more talking then?”
“Yes, please,” he whispered, tucking his lips into my neck and kissing me to thank me for understanding. When his lips hit my skin I shivered and then blushed, realizing all of intimate things I was going to have to say out loud to Edward if he needed more warning then I was already giving him. He pulled back from my neck grinning triumphantly.
“Bella, why are you blushing?” I smirked and looked directly into his eyes, holding his stare for a few moments before I answered his question.
“You do realize you just asked me to talk dirty to you?” I teased, hoping my bravado masked my self-consciousness. The smile that spread across his perfect lips was all the encouragement I needed. “Are you ready to keep going?” He nodded and I watched as he lay his body back down on the mattress.
“You have too many clothes on Edward,” I informed him matter-of-factly, “and I need to remedy that. I’m going to get off of your hips, finish unzipping you and take your pants off. You are going to sit still, no, lay still, while I do it. No moving!” He smirked at me and nodded slightly, granting me the permission I was seeking in a very non-asking sort of way. I think a part of him enjoyed seeing the confidence in me as I took charge. I carefully slid off his lap with my hair veiling my face, hiding my expectant grin. I hoped the talking would help him because all it was doing for me was working me up. He wasn’t the only one struggling with control.
His jeans were mostly undone so I pinched the tab of his zipper between my thumb and index finger and slid it down the rest of the way. I knew that getting him out of his clothing was the last barrier to loving him, and unzipping him reminded me of opening a gift of jewellery. The blue velvet box was sleek and pretty and even a little bit sexy, but you knew instinctively, without even opening the box, that the contents would be precious and awe-inspiring and beyond your imagination; a perfectly set jewel, flawless and rare and extraordinary. Loving him physically would be all of that and more.
My hands began to tremble as I peeled his jeans back and started to ease them off his hips. I wasn’t sure I could control myself at all. Edward pushed himself off the bed with his arms to help me. I gripped the edge of the denim between my fingers and tugged hard a couple of times to persuade his pants far enough down so Edward could lay back and then shifted his hips down onto the bed with my hand. I held my breath as I slowly slid the fabric down his legs and off his body. I held my breath to prevent myself from gasping and fucking up again. I held my breath because he was wearing freaking black cotton boxer briefs that were utterly perfectly sexy on him. I held my breath because he was the most beautiful sight I’d ever seen.
I tried to readjust my focus as I crawled back up the mattress to him. Maybe if I just kept my eyes closed the perfection of every part of him wouldn’t make me come undone. Of course that meant I’d have to plug my ears and nose too; there wasn’t a single thing about him that didn’t turn me on in some way, his smell, the noises he made, the coolness of his skin. I was in so far over my head it wasn’t even funny.
“Edward, tuck your arms behind your head please,” I requested softly.
“Why?” he wondered, looking over at me curiously.
“It will give me more warning if you have to untuck them first, and you won’t be tempted to touch me.”
“I’m always tempted to touch you,” he replied impishly, wearing the most wicked grin.
“My point exactly,” I acquiesced. “This is about you. I’m not giving you the chance to change the subject.” Once he did as I asked, I settled my head onto his bicep and rested my body against his. “Edward, are you ready for me to touch you?” I wasn’t even sure I was ready.
“Yes,” he replied softly, in a shaky voice.
“I’m going to go slowly down your torso, but I’ll make what I’m planning obvious with my movements so I won’t take you off guard.” I put my hand on his chest, flattening my palm to show him what I meant about always letting him know where my hand would be. I let my fingers press into his skin as my hand drifted lower. By the time I reached his navel, I realized a full on grope was probably a bad idea so I lightened the pressure of my hand, and let my fingers brush along the top of his boxers. “Relax,” I whispered, just to give him one final cue before I touched him. I gently lowered my hand onto him and stroked him softly, up and then down again. He sucked in a big gulp of air but remained still. I repeated the motion of my hand with slightly more pressure and heard him swallow hard. I stroked him a third time and left my hand resting on him, rather than remove it, and heard him exhale in a relaxed fashion. He was ready for more. I curled my fingers around him so I could increase the friction of the sensation. I moved my hand up and down him, watching his face and enjoying the little changes that registered, the tightening of his closed lids, the way his head pushed back into the pillow, the refinements of his mouth as he strained and accepted the sensations created by my fingertips. I wondered if he watched me when our positions were reversed and something told me he had. The vulnerability in it didn’t even bother me; I only hoped he enjoyed my reactions the same way I was enjoying his.
“Edward, are you ready for skin to skin?” I murmured, kissing his chest just to remind him of our physical connection. He nodded but didn’t speak. “Are you sure?” I asked softly. “I would feel more comfortable moving forward if you spoke.”
“I’m sure,” he informed me breathily. Rather than try and remove his boxers, I let my fingers run along the waistband and then slipped my trembling hand underneath. I couldn’t recall ever feeling so anxious for anything in my life. I ran my fingertip along him gently and he hissed loudly. I hesitated, waiting for his torso to relax before I tried again. When I repeated the same movement he was fine. No hissing. No tensing. I took it as a good sign. I used three fingers this time, one trailing after the other, pressing against him with a delicate pressure. Again my mind wandered to what he must have felt like when our roles were reversed. Every time I touched him it made me want more - more skin, more touching, more friction, more of him. Every part of me ached for him and I struggled against giving into the rush that taunted me.
“Bella?” His voice was rough and quiet and made my name sound strange.
“Yes?”
“Will you take them off?” I pressed my lips together to suppress the nervous laugh that threatened to emerge. His question, while completely reasonable, was like asking a woman if she wanted chocolate - an unequivocal yes.
“Are you ready?” I questioned quietly. Because even if he was sure, I wasn’t sure I was.
“Ready.”
“I’ll do it the same way I did your jeans, easing them off your hips first,” I explained, laying my hands on his sides above the waistband. He nodded and pushed himself off the mattress with his arms again. Now I was sure I wasn’t ready - not ready to control my hormones or my reaction to him, and simply not ready to resist him.
“Bella, your hands are trembling.”
“I know…you’re not the only one struggling with control. There’s a lot of anticipation and newness…I just want to love you Edward. I’m totally okay with doing it however you need me to do it, but it’s hard to hold back when what I really want to do is just let go.”
“It’s the same for me Bella, and I feel like I’m asking too much of you.”
“You’re not Edward. I’m asking as much of you as you are of me.”
“Still…it’s not fair to you…”
“This is about loving each other, not fairness or right and wrong. Scoot to the edge of the bed.”
“Pardon?” he asked, confused.
“Just scoot to the edge of the bed,” I instructed, sliding myself off the bed awkwardly. I waited for him to sit on the edge of the mattress and then stood beside him. “Get naked.”
“What?” he asked, laughing.
“You heard me; get naked. Take your boxers off.”
“Bella!” he complained, not understanding where I was going.
“Edward, will you just trust me? Take them off.” He proceeded to stand and slip the black cotton briefs down and off and then returned to sitting on the bed. Out of sheer self-preservation, I didn’t look at him while he stripped off his undies. I was relatively sure I would just be gaping at him if I had.
“Bella, I don’t understand,” he admitted softly.
“I think it was easier for you to take them off yourself. You knew what to expect…less build up…but that wasn’t my point. My point was this.” I slipped my robe off and let it drop to the floor. I didn’t feel self-conscious standing in front of him naked, and the reason I didn’t was simple. “This is about loving one another, and nothing else. You ask me to give you some warning, and I ask you to let me touch you. Neither of is asking for too much; we’re simply asking for understanding.” He held his hands out for me and I took them, stepping towards him. “I just want to be close to you. If you give me the choice, I’m choosing being pressed up against you, but I’ll take whichever option keeps us together.”
“Come here,” he whispered, pulling me into his lap. I curled my arms around his neck and cuddled myself into his chest.
“Edward?” I whispered.
“Yes?”
“I don’t want to keep asking to touch you because I don’t want this to feel mechanical or clinical for you. What you did to me earlier…well…it was beautiful, and I only want to show you the same care and respect.” I lifted my gaze and looked right into his eyes. “I’m going to touch you now,” I told him softly, “and I’m not going to hold back this time. I’m going to close my hand around you, palm to fingertips, and stroke you, and I’m not going to stop until you come. I’ll start out slow and gentle, but as soon as I think you can handle more, I’m giving more, and I’m going to keep giving until you’ve had more than you can handle. Just let me love you.” Trying to be as obvious as I could, I pulled my hand away from Edward’s neck and let it smooth along his torso, stretching out my fingers and sliding them along his skin, watching them as the dropped into the space between his legs. I didn’t give myself a chance to hesitate. I didn’t want to prolong the apprehension of my hand making contact. I reached for him, wrapping my fingers around him gently, and began to move my hand up and down his hardened length.
I had to close my eyes to resist the electricity that buzzed between my hand and his flesh. It was like nothing I’d ever felt before, strong and steady like a heartbeat, and it was calling to me. If I thought I ached for Edward before, I had to rethink my entire definition. Edward shifted his body, leaning back and away from me, letting his arms support his weight. His face was tense and a small part of me panicked, assuming he wasn’t enjoying my touch, until I realized that he was just struggling with his control and trying to resist the electricity too. When I tightened my hand around him, he grunted quietly. There was such duality in it. It was erotic to know that I could make him feel this way, yet at the same time difficult to watch him struggle against the sensations.
I watched Edward’s chest as it heaved in and out with ragged, irregular breaths, his face squished up in concentration as my hand moved up and down him, each time a little more quickly. My light touch was slowly transforming into something more firm and resolute. I may as well have been touching myself for how aroused I was getting. Feeling him hard underneath my palm was the ultimate aphrodisiac.
I was doing a decent enough job resisting the electricity and the urges that taunted me; all those dirty little deeds I knew I couldn’t do without risking Edward’s control. I knew I didn’t have to do every naughty thing I’d ever thought about to him tonight. Still, there were things I wanted to do, desires that wouldn’t leave my thoughts, and the images they produced in my mind turned me on further and began a vicious cycle of positive feedback as they sped the pace of the hand that stroked Edward. As my hand moved faster, Edward’s control began to slip. The more he fought, the more turned on I got, and the more turned on I got, the harder I pumped my hand. Every action furthered the intensity of every reaction, and it would only end with the complete demise of Edward’s control.
I studied Edward’s reactions. I could see him straining against my actions, white-knuckling the sheets, resisting his lust and channelling his control. His focus was fucking awe-inspiring and I wished I could tell him. I could see the pleasure he was feeling in the set of his jaw and his parted lips, watching his shallow breaths become pants. It was like watching the images in my mind come to life, his reaction to the laundry list of wicked things I wanted to do to his body, right there on Edward’s face. I wanted to kiss him. I wanted to caress him. I wanted to be close to him and be even just a small participant in his bliss beyond the simple connection of my hand on his body, but I didn’t dare move. It wasn’t fair to Edward. I had to play by his rules and stick to the details I’d given him before I started.
I squeezed my eyes shut and tried not to watch him, but that only made my other senses keener. Every little grunt and moan that left his beautiful mouth amplified, echoing like a symphony off the walls of my room. I could feel his body tensing and shifting underneath my legs, straining against my hand. I wanted to end his agony, even if it was sweet agony, so I slid myself to the edge of his legs to make more room for my hand to work, and the simple shift of my weight was what brought Edward’s control down. His arms closed in around me, scooping under me to cup my ass, turning my body and spreading my legs open, pulling me back into his lap and flat to his chest. The electricity jolted between us. His hands pressed into my back wantonly, tangling into my hair and pushing my body further into his. His mouth covered mine in less than a heartbeat, coveting everything my lips had to offer, dominating my tongue and my lips and making me whimper into his mouth. There was nothing between us, and the feel of his skin pressed to mine was ecstasy, a thousand times more sensual than I had imagined. I could feel him between my legs, rigid and rock hard and pressed solidly into my thigh. I gasped for air and pulled back from his kiss, not because I didn’t want every thing he just offered me, but because I knew he didn’t.
“Edward,” I whispered hoarsely, trying to locate some volume for my voice.
“I need you,” he murmured. “I need you.”
I swallowed hard and felt a thrill run through my body as his words registered. “You can have me if you’re sure that’s what you want. Just reach out and take me.” I wanted it to be his choice. It was perhaps an inappropriate offering given the vulnerability of our position, but now that I knew he was in control of himself there wasn’t anything I wanted more.
“Protection,” he mumbled, burying his face in my hair and pressing his lips to my neck.
“It’s okay. I’m covered.”
“What?” he asked confused.
I smiled smugly. “Did you think I’d come unprepared? I have been to the doctor at least once a week since breaking my stupid leg.”
“Bella.” I could hear the weight in his tone and knew the gravity of what was about to happen had hit him. I hadn’t quite hit me yet. I was still trying to adjust to the proximity of our bodies and the bliss of his skin against mine. I wanted to reassure him.
“Love me Edward.”
His lips came back to my mouth, less urgent but just as passionate and I could feel the difference in him immediately. He wasn’t holding back or trying to resist. I almost lost it right then and there. This was the love I wanted to give to Edward, unrestrained and free. I wanted to deliver him the same way he’d done for me. I pushed my hand between our bodies and grasped him between my fingers, lifting my hips so we could connect.
“Bella, your leg?” he asked worriedly.
“I’m fine,” I assured him. “It’s probably easier this way with the cast anyway. Besides, I want to be greedy and be right there with you when you go over.” I had no idea if he would understand my reasoning, but he didn’t question it. I shifted my hips and brought my body down on him slowly. The friction between my legs made me whimper loudly. Edward reached out for me when my body tensed and held me to him while I relaxed and adjusted to the sensation.
“I’m sorry,” he murmured repentantly against my ear. “Go slow. I don’t want to hurt you.” He was so thoughtful, but overly protective. The discomfort only lasted a moment. The whimper was more about the overwhelm of the connection then the tiny blip of pain I felt.
“You won’t hurt me,” I told him decidedly. I knew he would rather die than hurt me.
The first few movements were conspicuously awkward and unsophisticated, but the innocence and purity of our connection masked any negativity. It was pure ecstasy to be so close to him, impossible not to get lost in him. His arms made me feel safe and wanted as they held me tightly to his chest. His mouth kissed mine, kissed my neck and shoulders and any other place it could reach that wouldn’t require him to let go of me.
I wrapped my arms around his neck and heard him moan. “I love your hands on my neck,” he clarified in a husky voice, pulling back from our kiss to explain. I didn’t need the explanation, but I loved it anyway. He could tell me all of the ways to drive him crazy. I would never get sick of hearing about them. Spurred on by his admission, I started to move my hips faster, grinding against his hips and enjoying the friction it created.
“Bella, if you keep that up I won’t last long,” he whispered. I don’t think he was embarrassed; he just wanted me to have the facts.
“Who said I wanted it to last long?” I teased, grinding down harder just to prove my point. This was still my game, still my love to give. He was just granting me that deeper connection I sought, the one that went beyond my hand, but the control was mine.
Not to be outdone, Edward shifted his hips back and when I came down on him this time the friction spiked and I moaned, loudly and unabashedly. It was either that or Edward was going to hear a whole string of expletives; not that he didn’t expect those from me too. It was hard to remember that I wasn’t in this for me when he made it feel that good for me. I wasn’t ready to give in to his way of doing things yet though.
I moved my hips faster, making the movements more shallow but building intensity. It was easier for me to handle than Edward. I could feel the difference in him instantly. His body was more rigid and he held me a little more tightly. His eyes begged me to slow down but I didn’t want to.
“This is for you,” I whispered.
“This is for us,” he echoed. He was right in so many ways, but his needs were my only concern tonight. We had a lifetime to perfect the technique, endless nights to love and be loved by one another. Tonight, this moment, it was Edward’s. He’d already given mine earlier.
I angled my hips to take more of him inside me with each thrust. I caressed his neck. I tipped my head back to tease his arms with my hair. I wanted him to have everything he needed and wanted. I felt even more connected to him once he filled his hand with a fistful of my hair, tangling it around his fingers and dropping his head to my shoulder.
“Bella.” My name was a soft whisper on his lips, a pleading to slow down, an acquiescence of his will to control his body, an admission that he was losing the struggle. I wanted to explain that it wasn’t a struggle but he would understand soon enough.
I sped my hips with quick shallow movements, holding my body to his and urging him on. I fisted his hair and buried my lips in the side of his neck, kissing him softly and whispering encouragement into his waiting ear. “Give in.” I ground my hips into his again and again, murmuring, “I love you,” as his hands tightened around me.
A low deep moan rumbled from his throat and his hands dug into my back. He lifted his head and tipped it backwards and I watched as he came undone. I kept my hips moving trying to maximize his pleasure while his body trembled in my arms and another moan left his lips. He was magnificent. It was like an implosion of euphoria as he came apart inside of me, holding me tightly to him, making sure I rode the exhilaration with him. Every part of me tingled with the results of our efforts, the ache replaced by rapture.
I stilled my hips and held him tenderly and waited for him to come out of the fog of feelings that must have flooded him during his orgasm. If it was anything like mine it was the best kind of overwhelm. Forever Edward, as soon as he could form a coherent though, he pushed his own desires aside. He scooped me up and pulled us over to the pillows. When I rolled on to my back, Edward gathered my body in his arms and nuzzled his head into my stomach after pulling the comforter onto both of us. I ran my fingers through his bronze hair as he snuggled into my body to recover. We were both completely blissful. I couldn’t have asked for anything more in that moment, save for one tiny thing.
“Can you stay with me tonight?”
“What about Charlie?”
“He’s gone for the next 3 days; fishing trip.” He smiled and I giggled. Charlie had great timing. What could I say?
“I’m here as long as you’ll keep me then,” he assured me sweetly, planting a soft kiss on my skin.
“That’s easy. Forever.”
A/N: Reviews are much appreciated, gratefully accepted and for the most part, replied to :o)