Out of Choices - Chapter 36
Title: Out Of Choices
Chapter 36: Misdirection (Previous Chapters: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19.1, 19.2, 20, 21, 22.1, 22.2, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33.1, 33.2, 34, 35, 36)
Author:JCAddict/picklewinkle/Sher
Fandom: Twilight
Word Count:7,805
Rating: R/M, for sex and language
Story Summary: Bella is devastated by the loss of her mother and is forced to go live with Charlie, her Mom's best friend when there is no one else to take her in. She gives up on living, too lost in her own anger to let anyone close to her. Enter Edward, the handsome teenage vampire, and the beginning of a complicated love-hate relationship. Neither can deny the connection between them, but can their love survive the fear that rules her and the secret he hides from her? AU, OOC, Rated Mature for language and lemons. Also available at Twilighted.net
Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight and all of its characters. I'm just manipulating them like imaginary playdoh so I feel like I have some power over them **snorts**
36. Misdirection
A/N: I am not lucky enough to be Stephenie Meyer and own even a teensy tiny bit of Twilight beyond owning the books and the blu-ray, but Twilight owns my soul. No copyright infringement is intended.
I am void of witty repartee tonight. I am still writing ahead, making sure the chapters tie back to one another. This is the first of probably four chapters in this part of the story. Enjoy :o)
From Edward’s POV…
Bella was ready to hear my secret.
I walked away from her a bit shaken. I owed her the truth. She deserved to know it, needed to know it in fact, but still, in the face of admission, my fear crescendoed. I found myself wishing that I had taken Bella's suggestion to skip our last two hours of class. Knowing that Bella was ready was enough to drive me mad. I didn't need any extra time to worry and work myself up further. I was sufficiently anxious as it was.
Spanish was a blur. I rarely paid attention under normal circumstances, but today Mrs. Goff could have easily caught me unprepared if she had called on me. Emmett's continuous mental blathering was nothing more than white noise. My thoughts were centred on Bella - on her happiness and well-being, and my own fear. She meant everything to me. The idea of hurting her was like a seeping wound, forever raw and incapable of healing, and I would hurt her. I reminded myself over and over again that our love was strong and that we could survive this, that she loved me enough to forgive me my nature, but my negativity bled through. Instead I shifted my focus to Bella's strength. She had survived the direst of circumstances after losing her mother. If anyone could learn of my nature and deal with it, it would be Bella. She was one of the strongest people I'd ever known. She loved me, needed me. Surely that was enough to keep us together? Perhaps, in some small way, I had helped her with coming out of the darkness she was lost in when her mother passed. Didn't that say something of the strength of our love?
Alice was practically screaming at me to get my attention. My head snapped up in surprise, expecting to see her standing beside me; her voice had become so loud. She wasn't there. It was all in my head.
‘Edward, I've lost contact with Jasper, and I can't find him now. It's got to be related to my vision. I have to go to Seattle, and I need you to come with me and help me find him. Please, Edward? You're the only one who can help me.'
I searched the hazy images that Alice's mind flipped through. It was as if Jasper had just dropped off the face of the Earth. One minute he was everywhere, in every thought Alice had, and then, in the blink of an eye, he had vanished. The last images she had were of Jasper taking off in a sprint after something. She couldn't see what or who it was; only the blurring image of Jasper's silhouette as he pursued some phantom threat.
For the first time ever, I fully understood Alice's overwhelming dread. The idea of something happening to Bella evoked horror in me. The lack of answers, the worrying, the fear, how it would feel to lose half of yourself - it was all familiar to me now. If only I had taken Alice's side and spoken more firmly to Jasper this morning, then perhaps I could have prevented her terror. I had to help her find him. It was the only choice. Bella would understand.
Alice met me outside my class, and I gave her my compliance. I asked her to wait in the car for me and went to find Bella to explain.
Bella looked overtly and excessively pleased to see me when she came out of the locker room. I felt a pang of regret. It pained me to know I would disappoint her, even if she would understand.
"Hey, Romeo," she greeted me cheerfully.
"Hello." I leaned towards her and kissed her cheek softly. "I'm so very sorry, Bella, but I have to cancel our plans. Jasper has disappeared, and Alice has asked for my help in locating him. She's waiting in the car for me already."
"Wh-wh-what?" she stuttered, confused. "What happened to Jasper?"
"We don't know. Alice can't seem to...get a hold of him."
"He's not answering his phone?"
"No."
"Well I'll come with you. An extra set of eyes can't hurt."
"No, Bella," I objected. "It might be dangerous. I couldn't live with myself if something happened to you."
"It might be dangerous?" she echoed fearfully. "You're heading into a dangerous situation, and you won't let me come?"
"I know you'd rather help, and I understand your concern, but I can't allow you to come when I have no idea what we're even up against."
"What you're up against? Edward, what aren't you telling me?" My mask slipped, and Bella saw the fear in my eyes. As always, her considerable observational skills were astute at the most inconvenient times.
‘Tell her, Edward,' Alice's voice commanded in my head.
"Come with me to the car, Bella. Alice can help explain."
Bella started shuffling towards the parking lot without another word to me. I could see the distress on her face. I wasn't at all sure I wanted Bella to hear what Alice wanted to say, but it was Alice's problem. I had to trust that Alice would respect the boundaries I had set up between Bella and me. I opened the car door for Bella and gave her my hand so she could slide into the front seat easily, and went around to the driver's side and got in.
"What is going on, Alice?" Bella asked. "What's happened to Jasper?"
"I wish I knew, Bella. I have something I need to tell you."
"Okay."
"You know how Edward can read minds?"
"Yes."
"Well, he's not the only one with a special gift."
"You can read minds, too?" Bella blurted, surprised.
"No. I can...well...I can sort of see the future."
I shot a glare at Alice, warning her to be cautious.
"Seriously?"
"Yes."
"What is it with you Cullens?" Bella asked, laughing. "Can Emmett fly and Jasper turn invisible?" My eyes widened. Did nothing catch her off guard?
"No, it's just Edward and I that have extra special abilities."
"So is that how you know something's happened to Jasper?"
"Yes, but I don't know for sure that something has happened to him. My visions are transitory and sometimes vague. What I see is always changing based on the decisions people make. There are so many things that can change with one decision, and so many decisions that can be a part of a single moment. I only know what the last thing I saw was, namely Jasper chasing something and disappearing."
"Wow," Bella exclaimed, blowing out a big breath of air. I picked up her hand and rubbed it softly, trying to soothe her. She didn't seem tense about what Alice had told her, but I wasn't completely sure she wasn't holding it in, trying to appear brave to prove that she could handle coming with us.
"I'm sorry to take Edward away and ruin your plans, Bella, but between his gift and mine, we'll be able to find Jasper much more easily."
"Alice will be searching for Jasper's future, and I can search people's thoughts to see if anyone is thinking about him," I clarified.
"Why isn't it safe?" Bella asked hoarsely.
Alice glared at me angrily. ‘Why haven't you told her yet?'
I shot her back a scowl to tell her to stay out of it.
"I may not hear the conversation, but I can still tell you're having one," Bella declared sharply.
"Sorry," I offered sincerely. "Alice was just wondering why I haven't told you my secret yet."
"That's my fault, Alice," Bella admitted. "Edward wanted to tell me, and I wasn't ready to hear it, and even though we were going to talk about it today after school, obviously given the fact that Jasper is missing, it can wait until after you guys get back."
"I'm not sure that is the best choice," Alice said.
"It's Bella's choice, not yours," I charged.
"You might be right, Alice. It may not be the best choice, but considering the circumstances, it's the right choice. You guys don't need to waste time sitting around talking to me when Jasper could be in trouble. The secret can wait until you guys get back. I've been in the dark this long. A few more hours won't hurt anything."
"It will help you understand the thing with Jasper better," Alice explained.
"Alice, will you mind your own business," I growled.
‘Why are you so apprehensive about this. She loves you. She will understand.'
"I've made my mind up, Alice," Bella stated decidedly, turning to look at me. "Edward will wait until he gets home to tell me his secret. End of story."
"Are you sure?" I asked quietly. "If you're ready to talk to me, I'm more than ready to speak to you."
"I'm sure, Edward. This is Jasper's safety we're talking about. You should probably drive me home so you two can get on the road. Hopefully the faster you get there, the faster you can come back to me."
I did as Bella asked, starting the engine and easing the car out of its parking spot before turning to look at her.
"I'm sorry about this, Bella. It's horrible timing."
"It's not your fault. It's not anyone's fault. It just is." I thought I could hear a note of sadness in her tone. I knew she meant her sentiment sincerely, but I also knew that Bella struggled with universal decisions that were out of her hands. She didn't like to have her choices made by others.
‘Walk Bella inside and take your time with her, Edward. She needs you right now, whether she admits it or not.'
I glanced in the rear view mirror and blinked at Alice to say thank you. Even though I was already fairly certain that Bella was simply putting on a brave face, having confirmation of it made my path easier to navigate.
I pulled into her driveway and went around to help her out, following behind her on the path and inside the house once she opened the door. She left her crutches against the wall and hobbled into the living room, flopping down heavily on to the couch.
"Are you sure you wouldn't rather talk right now?"
"I'm sure," she said quietly. It didn't convince me even a tiny amount.
"Alice will understand. She could even head to Seattle on her own, and I could follow her after we talk," I suggested.
"I really don't think this is a conversation that can be rushed. I mean...it's something serious, right?"
She looked to me for confirmation, and I nodded. "Yes, it is."
"Well, then I think it would be best to talk when you have more time, not when you're worried about helping Alice. I might have questions, and we may need to talk for a while. Alice deserves your full attention. I don't want you to be distracted, worrying about me, when you should be concentrating on Jasper."
I'd never seen Bella's selfless side before - it was another reason to admire her, that she could put aside her own concerns when her friend was in need. I sat down beside her and put both of my arms around her, pulling her to me. "As much as helping Alice and Jasper means to me, you mean so much more."
"I know," she whispered. Her eyes were fixed on the floor, her voice, dysphoric.
"It's okay to put your own needs first, you know," I coaxed gently.
"I'm just worried," she admitted. "If Jasper is in danger, then...then you might be in danger, too."
"I won't be in danger. I'm not even convinced Jasper is in danger. I'm helping Alice because I understand how frightened she is. If I didn't know where you were...if I couldn't find you...if something terrible happened to you...I don't think I could go on living."
"Don't say that," Bella petitioned softly. "If anything ever happened to me, I would want you to be happy, even if it was with someone else."
"You're kinder than I am," I granted. "It would be excruciating to see you with someone else, not that I wouldn't respect your wishes if I was no longer your choice. So while I can wish for your forever happiness, I would have great difficulty knowing you found it with someone other than me."
"Oh, I wouldn't want to see you with someone else. Fuck no! I meant if something happened to me, like if I died."
"I know that's what you meant."
"Then what did you mean?" she asked, her expression confused.
"I spoke out of turn. It's a conversation for another time."
"You mean if I left you because of your secret," she whispered soulfully.
"To a degree..." I couldn't say more without upsetting her further. In this case, although I hated to, I had to let her believe in her conclusion. I would correct her as soon as I returned, let her know what I was, about my mortality and my abilities and every other thing she needed or wanted to know about me.
"Promise me that you'll come back to me," she begged, finally looking up at me with wide eyes. She didn't try to edit or hide her emotion from me. She was truly afraid for me.
"Look at me, Bella. I promise you that I will come back to you," I pledged earnestly. "There is nothing that will keep me from you." I didn't have to be able to read her mind to understand that she didn't believe me, even though she wanted to, more than anything.
"Promise me you'll be careful? That you won't do anything dangerous?"
"Nothing dangerous. I will be very careful, I swear. Please don't worry, Bella. I'm really very resilient. It would take a great deal to bring me down."
"I don't care how strong or resilient you think you are. The only thing I care about is getting you back in one piece safely.
"One piece, open arms outstretched to you, I promise. Now will you make me a promise?"
"If I can," she edited.
"It's not much," I told her, smiling.
"What?"
I pulled my cell phone out of my pocket and slipped it into her tiny hand. "Keep my phone with you. Alice's cell is programmed in, and that way you will be able to reach me whenever you need me, night or day."
"Don't you mean so that you will be able to reach me?" she joked, a faint flush on her cheeks.
"You caught me," I admitted. "But it does work both ways. I think you'll worry less if you can get a hold of me, and I know I will feel better if I have a way to talk to you regardless of where you are." I let my thumb brush along her cheekbone and stroke the beautiful colour on her skin. I knew that she was having trouble controlling her emotions, that she was touched by my gesture, so rather than tease her, as I normally would have, I just held her gaze intently, trying to will my assuredness to her. This was not a time to push her when she was clearly having trouble with letting me go. In truth, I was having the same sort of trouble. I just wasn't sure if I should let her see it.
"I will feel better," she conceded. "And since I don't have a phone of my own, then I will happily keep yours. It will be nice to have a little piece of you with me no matter where I go."
"You always have my heart, too," I whispered.
She nodded and smiled, too emotional to speak. "Now go. Alice is waiting for you."
"Just one more thing..." I leaned in and placed my lips on hers, kissing her softly, reverently, lovingly. I could feel her malcontent and misgivings in the way her tight lips pressed against mine, sedulous and devoted, seeking further guarantees. I kissed her back indulgently, letting her emotions control my mouth. When she pushed her tongue out, I eagerly met it, pressing against it ardently, giving her every assurance I had to offer with it. Her tiny hands flew to my neck and gripped it tightly. As much as it made me want to give in and lose control, I knew that if I did, it would only make things harder for Bella. Her emotions were already getting the better of her. I held back my own desires and let her take what she needed from me.
Her hands were incautious and vehement on my neck, pulling my face ever closer to hers. Her nose was already buried in my cheek, yet her fingers still urged me closer. I knew she was worried, but did not understand how desperately so until I felt her tears against my cheeks.
"Bella, it's going to be fine. I wouldn't lie to you," I promised with an intense whisper, drying her tears with my thumbs.
She swatted at my hands, pushing her mouth at me and crushing her lips to mine. I pulled her into my lap and curled my hands around her waist, holding her close to my body, kissing her back with an equal intensity and doing my best to answer her unasked questions - to acknowledge her apprehension, squelch her fears and satisfy her need for a physical connection to me. I'd never seen her so restive and tormented with regard to me. Normally my touch was a calming influence, but today it seemed to have the opposite effect.
Bella continued to kiss me, her tiny hands pressing against my neck while her lips assailed mine. There was none of the normal tenderness she showed me, only anxiety and turmoil. There was something in her kiss, a mixture of vague familiarity and foreign newness, beyond the desperation and restlessness, and more than the intensity that she was trying to ascribe it as. A sudden feeling of déjà vu overwhelmed me. It was the way her lips pressed against mine, the way her hands knit into my hair, the way she clung to me - it was like the night of our dinner date when I was late to meet her. This kiss had the same onerous edge to it. My mind raced, trying to determine what was going on in Bella's head and what she meant by her kiss. That night I had tried to get past her anger by pushing my affection on to her, and while she accepted it, her belief was that her affection was all I was after. She didn't trust that my feelings for her were true or even real. The pieces fell into place. Not only was she fearful of the dangerous situation she felt I was going in to, she truly believed that I was not coming back to her. She was saying goodbye with this kiss, as she had that night.
"Bella," I murmured, forcibly pulling her hands off my neck and easing her back. "This isn't goodbye."
"You don't know that, Edward. Anything can happen. You said yourself that Jasper might be in danger."
"That's not what I meant, Bella, not the way you're defining it anyway," I soothed, smoothing my hand along her beautiful face. "The worst danger Jasper is in is what Alice might do to him for not listening to her." I laughed lightly, trying to show her that she didn't need to worry. "I swear to you. Do you really think I'd let Alice go into a dangerous situation? After you, she's my best friend. I wouldn't allow her anywhere near a potential menace. Jasper would have my hide if I did."
"Really?" she rasped, rubbing her red tear-stained cheeks with fisted hands.
"Truly. If I could stop Alice from going, I would, but she's right - we'll find Jasper more quickly working together. Jasper is to Alice what you are to me - a once in a lifetime love. The chance that he is in any real danger is almost insignificant, unless you're one half of the whole that it's happening to. Alice is unsure and afraid, and all she wants is for Jasper to be okay. She won't rest until she sees him with her own eyes. She knows he's not in any real danger, at least deep down. It's the not knowing that is driving her to desperation. I will return to you, along with Jasper and Alice, and we'll all be perfectly unharmed. You'll see."
"I'm sorry," she croaked, pressing a kiss to my mouth. Her lips were a soft pout, relaxed and sweet and everything her previous kiss was not.
"No, I'm sorry," I whispered. "I didn't mean to worry you so vehemently."
"You should go," she murmured quietly, looking away from me. "Alice is waiting for you."
"I don't need to go until you're ready, Bella. I'm much more worried about how you're doing than whether Alice is upset with me."
"I'd be chomping at the bit to go if I were her. You should go. I'll be okay."
"Will you?" I wondered aloud.
"It will never be easy for me to let you go," she admitted in a hushed voice.
"Nor me, you." I pressed a kiss to her forehead in understanding. "I don't like to be away from you, and the distance that will separate us tonight will make the anguish all the worse."
"Come back to me," she murmured, kissing me softly.
"I will," I promised, kissing her back.
She slipped off my lap and walked me to the door. Her brave face had returned, but she didn't look nearly as brave as she thought she did. I could still see the remnants of fear in her beautiful eyes.
"Why don't you go take a bath?" I suggested. "It might help you relax."
"That's a good idea," she agreed, smiling. "I love you."
She pushed up on to her toes, stretching as tall as she could to kiss me. I bent to her. She wasn't tall enough to reach me, even fully stretched out, and I wasn't willing to give up a single kiss from her.
"I love you too. Call me if you need me, even if it's just to make sure I'm okay, and try not to worry. Think happy thoughts. We'll be reunited soon."
"Soon," she echoed.
Unable to resist, I kissed her beautiful pouting lips one more time and murmured a goodbye. I didn't turn around to look at her again. I wouldn't have been able to leave, but I saw the tears in her eyes in Alice's mind.
"She'll be okay," Alice promised, showing me the image in her head of Bella pouring a bath--she wasn't crying any longer--and then an image of Bella sleeping peacefully. I held tightly to that image as I sped away, trying not to focus on the ever-increasing miles between us.
~~~~~
Alice was unusually quiet for the first part of the drive. I could see her every thought was focused on Jasper, endlessly and tirelessly searching for any sign of him. I was surprised by the number of times the image of his blurred silhouette sprinting appeared in her mind. I wasn't sure if she was studying it for details or questioning it.
My mind was focused on Bella, wondering how she was doing, remorseful for our lost time and worried that she was upset. I watched Alice's mind for glimpses of her. Every now and again I would get a brief flash of her between the images of Jasper. After her bath, Bella baked brownies and later curled up in an Adirondack chair in the back yard with a blanket and a book. The brief flashes of her were enough to assuage my fears. She was, at the very least, safe and seemingly content, given the circumstances.
Today had not gone how I intended, save for the beginning. Our playful morning wakeup was the perfect way to start the day. I waited until the last possible moment to rouse Bella from her peaceful slumber. She was like dead weight against me all night long, almost as if she'd passed out. I couldn't keep my hands to myself after all the closeness we'd shared and tested her level of sleep in different ways, but she never as much as budged from her place against my side. She rolled over only once, very early in the morning, turning from one side to the other, and I just resettled myself against her new shape and began my observations from a new perspective.
The testing started out innocently enough. A strand of her hair was tickling my nose so I picked it up to move it. It was so silky that I twirled it around my finger and enjoyed the feel of it against my skin. That led to more hair, and eventually I immodestly plunged my hands into it and luxuriated in it. It was just lying there behind her, spread out along the mattress and pillow, taunting me. The newly found freedom born of our intimacy had dissolved much of my self-consciousness. I didn't feel the need to hold back anything. If I wanted to touch her, I did. That led me to touch as much of her as I could. Anywhere my fingers could reach, I touched. I traced every curve, memorized every freckle and mole, and caressed her skin more times than I could count. I found my hands seeking forbidden places on her body, and even then I didn't hold back. There was no need. She was mine in every sense of the word. If I had gone too far and awoken her, she would have understood. She was as bewitched as I was.
Perhaps her actions in biology were a way for karma to pay me back for my impertinence overnight. I pretended to ignore her hand as it moved up my thigh. Part of me enjoyed it far more than I should have allowed myself, and part of me understood her need. I would be lying if I said I hadn't had the same thought cross my mind. When she stroked me, my body reacted immediately. It was all so new and glorious. I half-heartedly tried to dissuade her from her plans, but she would not be distracted. She knew what she wanted, and I was under her control from the moment she touched me.
I wasn't paying attention to her movements; my eyes were closed as I enjoyed her touch. When her hand moved under my shirt, I was unprepared. When her hand moved into my jeans, I all but lost control of myself, grasping the desk so firmly that it cracked quite profoundly under my fingertips. I don't know how Lee Stephens didn't turn around to check for the source of the noise, but he didn't, thankfully. He must have really been absorbed by the movie not to notice.
I had one arm around the back of Bella, which I left in place, but from that point forward, I said nothing. I stopped breathing and stayed as still as a stone in an effort to control myself. I couldn't allow myself an inch more than I already had. Bella realized she'd given me no warning and questioned whether I wanted her to continue. I think it might have brought me to my knees if she had stopped. I slid my hand down the back of her jeans and grasped at her desperately, silently begging her to continue. Unlike last night, there was no chance for a more intimate connection. This was purely about climax, and I fiercely desired the release she was delivering. I couldn't comprehend how her tiny little hand could make me come undone, but it did, and in a commanding way. I made a note to pay her back when I returned to her, since my chance to do so after school had been interrupted.
It had really been a bizarre coincidence that we were even presented with the opportunity that allowed the activities in biology to occur - that practically the entire class had signed up to take part in a blood drive in Port Angeles. I knew why I had not signed up, but Bella's answers caught me off guard. It was beyond ironic that she would be a person who fainted at the sight of blood. The notion made me cringe inwardly. I'm not sure what showed on my face, but Bella picked up on my unease. She explained it was more than just the sight but the smell of blood. It was the closest we had ever come to speaking directly about my nature. To know that it sickened her was upsetting, and I had to suppress the self-disgust and fear. It was just another thing that I had to hope she was capable of looking past.
In the darkness of the car, I pondered how learning my secret might damage her new calm. I couldn't pretend I wasn't relieved that she wanted to put off the conversation about my secret after school. I certainly wasn't anxious to have it under any kind of time constraints. I wanted to be able to answer all of Bella's questions and show her that I was willing to fight for her if she tried to push me away. I had no doubt that the coming conversation would be the denouement of our relationship. Alice must have picked up on my hypothecating.
"You've wasted so much time worrying about how she'll react. She loves you. She'll find a way to understand." Alice's voice was so sure, I immediately began searching her mind for some hint of the proof she might have seen.
"I know she loves me, but even with a love as great as ours, it's a lot to ask of someone."
"Not Bella." I watched the pictures in Alice's mind intently, still searching for the image that would show me how Bella took the news of my nature.
"Why not Bella? Have you seen something?"
"I've seen lots of things, but between her fear and your reluctance, the future never solidifies. And Bella is not your average girl. She's been through a lifetime of heartache already. She knows what is important and what isn't much more clearly than most people her age."
"She seems so fragile," I murmured, half to myself, and half as a defence against what Alice thought.
"She's shown you all of herself, the strong parts and the delicate parts. It just shows how much she trusts you if she can be vulnerable enough to tell you what she went through with her mother."
"You were watching that?" I asked.
"No, I wasn't watching per se. After I had the vision of her crying, I kept looking for the reason for it. As soon as you admitted your feelings for one another, the vision came. To be honest, I was worried the crying had something to do with you."
"I've put off telling her too long," I lamented. "And I was trying to remedy it this week, but Bella was too afraid of what it might mean to us to listen to me. Today, she was finally ready to talk to me about it, but she wouldn't allow me to tell her once she learned about Jasper. She knew you needed me."
"I'm sorry if my problems have made things more difficult for you."
"You don't need to apologize. Of everyone in our family, you would be the only one who would help me if our roles were reversed. Loving Bella has helped me understand the bond between you and Jasper. If my life has been made more difficult, I have no one to blame but myself. Every decision was made with the best of intentions but was not always the right thing to do. I've made mistakes, and I'm sure I'll continue to make mistakes. So, while I should have told Bella before now, I haven't, and I hope that upon our return I can rectify the situation."
"I know you're scared, Edward. I can't begin to imagine what it would be like to live in fear of losing Jasper or how difficult it's been for you to hide parts of yourself from Bella."
"Do you know how she'll take it?" I asked softly.
"Specifically? No, only that I haven't had any new visions of her crying or falling apart."
"Anything with regard to her anger, or...of me?"
"Of you?" she questioned, confused.
"Alone," I whispered solemnly. I didn't know how else to ask her if she saw Bella and I apart. I wasn't even sure I wanted to know if she saw an end, but perhaps if she did there was something I could do to change it.
"No, you were together in every vision I've had. There haven't been any decisions made that have risked your union. That's a good sign, right? If you decided to tell her today, and you and she agreed that the conversation would take place after school, then I would have seen something negative if it was going to occur."
"I suppose," I mumbled, trying to decide if I truly believed her or not. Her gift was so speculative. The visions were more theorem than fact - something that stood to come true based on the decisions that had already been made, but no tangible proof existed that guaranteed they would.
"You know I've been watching for it, Edward."
"If I've learned anything, Alice, it's that things are not always what they seem, and there are so many things that are out of our control."
"You worry too much. You can't protect her from everything. There are things she needs to do and say, things that are going to hurt her; it's all part of a human life."
"She is physically our opposite in every way - mortal and fragile and destructible. I don't see how I could stop trying to protect her. It's a part of me as much as she is."
"I don't want you to stop protecting her. I just want you to cut yourself some slack. You can't protect her from every source of hurt, and you have to stop trying."
"Anything new on Jasper?" I asked, changing the subject. I didn't want to discuss protecting Bella. Alice couldn't understand my position when her mate was immortal and practically indestructible. While I was able, I was going to protect Bella with everything I had. She was my reason for being.
~~~~~
Once in Seattle, we went directly to Jasper's hotel and started asking questions. He hadn't picked up his messages or been seen by any of the hotel staff since leaving the hotel around 11:00 AM. He was alone when he left and made no mention of his plans. Alice left another round of messages for him - at the front desk, his hotel room phone and again on his cell phone.
His trail was too cold to follow. There were only faint nuances of his scent around the lobby of the hotel and outside its front doors. He'd opted for either public transit or walking because his sedan remained in the underground parking garage. Alice and I checked it over thoroughly. No one else had been in the car. There were no signs of a struggle or any clues that might have given us a hint about Jasper's whereabouts.
We got back into the Volvo and headed to the outskirts of the city, looking for places where Charlotte and Peter might be more comfortable hanging around. We found plenty of forested areas but never once picked up the scent of Jasper or any vampire. Alice continued her frantic search of the future but found nothing new.
"Don't you find it strange that you've seen nothing new at all?" I wondered. "Your mind returns to that last image of Jasper's silhouette running away almost fanatically."
"I'm not pulling the image; it just appears. No matter what question I focus on, that image seems to come up as the answer. Maybe there's something wrong with me; perhaps my gift is malfunctioning?"
"Or someone is causing its malfunction?"
"What are you thinking?" Alice asked.
"You said yourself you couldn't see the direction the threat came from and assumed it might be vampire because Peter and Charlotte were involved in Jasper's plans. What if vampires are involved? One of them might have some auxiliary talent that is somehow blocking Jasper from you."
"It's entirely possible, but why? What could they want from Jasper?"
"I haven't come up with a good reason for it yet," I mumbled, searching the corners of my mind for the antecedent. It was difficult to conceive of any situation that might leave Jasper vulnerable to being overpowered, at least in a physical sense. He had ample strength and was the best fighter I knew, but there were vampires with other cerebral gifts that could render him immobile. My mind went to the Volturi; they were certainly capable of kidnapping. Jasper's gift for emotional manipulation was useful but not as powerful a tool as many other talents might be in combat, so it seemed unlikely that his gift would make him a target for them. Of course, he might simply be a pawn to lure Alice to them. Her gift was exceedingly valuable to the Volturi. I shuddered at the thought. Jasper would rather die than hand her over to them.
We drove around the city for hours, concentrating on the area surrounding the hotel. Alice focused inwards, foraging the murky depths of time for even the tiniest change since the last time she looked. I was focused outwards, scanning mind after mind for any reference to Jasper. We continued to come up empty handed. If he was in the area, he was either traveling incognito or not traveling at all. It was nearing ten o'clock, so Alice decided we should check back at the hotel to see if Jasper had reappeared there.
Alice made her way to the front desk to ask about Jasper, and I immediately saw the change in her body language. She walked back to me and informed me that Jasper had returned safely and was in his hotel room.
"I'm glad he's safe. Have you picked up anything of him?" I asked, confused, wondering if her visions had changed since I could still not pick up his mental voice.
"Nothing. It's like he's not here, even though the concierge has seen him. You?"
"I still can't hear his thoughts at all. How strange."
We rode the elevator to his floor in silence, each of us in our heads. I was sure Alice wanted to speak to Jasper alone, but I wasn't going to let her go to him until I knew what was keeping his presence obstructed.
Alice knocked on his door. "Jasper, it's Alice. Are you in there? Are you okay?"
The door flew open, and Jasper had Alice in his arms in milliseconds. Still, I heard nothing of his mental voice.
"Alice, what are you doing here?" he asked, kissing her forehead and pulling her into the hotel room. I followed reluctantly, feeling unsure and uncomfortable that my gift was not functioning as it should have been. I could still see Alice's mind and hear her thoughts, but I was getting nothing from Jasper at all.
"You disappeared," she whispered, still fearful and emotional. "Edward brought me to help look for you."
"What's going on, Jasper?" I asked pointedly. "I can't hear your mind."
"Follow me," he requested, walking further into the suite.
Seated at the table near the window was a tall, lanky man that I did not recognize. Upon further inspection, I realized he was not human but vampire, as indicated by his crimson irises. I stopped mid-stride, instantly on guard. Jasper's relaxed stance did not change, and he made no move to shield Alice. The man looked up at us, seeming distracted, and then looked back down at the table. In the instant he looked at us, I could hear both his mind and Jasper's, but as soon as he looked away their minds went quiet again.
"Edward, can you wait here a moment please?"
I nodded my compliance and studied the man at the table carefully, assessing his physical strength, age and any other details I could surmise from him given the potential hazard he might pose to Alice or me. I made no move to introduce myself or sit down. He did not welcome me in any way either.
I watched Alice's mind and shook off the discomfort when I saw the images appear, allowing myself to relax. A moment later I heard Jasper's voice call out to us.
"It's okay, Balen. You can stop."
Jasper and Alice returned to the room, and the gentleman stood up, much more focused on the group of us now. He wore a sloppy grin that made him seem far less threatening.
"Edward, Alice," Jasper began, "this is Balen. Balen, this is my wife, Alice, and my brother, Edward." He held his hand out to me, and I shook it politely. Jasper turned towards Alice. "Balen and I used to be in the army together; we were both turned by Maria and her cohorts."
I nodded in understanding, probing Balen's mind for details of his gift. It was fascinating. He had the ability to block all conscious and subconscious thoughts coming from his mind. To the average human, his gift was invisible, but it made finding him impossible using gifts like Alice's and mine. It was as if he stopped time somehow, focusing on a single thought and making himself disappear. He must have been able to project it somehow and shield Jasper as well.
"It's nice to meet you, Balen," Alice greeted cheerfully. She had returned to her happy relaxed self almost the instant she felt Jasper's arms around her.
"Did you give it to her?" I asked, picking out the details of Jasper's plan from his mind.
"Yes," Jasper replied sheepishly. "I realize what I did was above and beyond in your eyes, Edward, but how else was I going to surprise Alice for our anniversary?"
"Not at all," I admitted. "It's actually quite lovely that you went so far. With Alice's gift, I imagine surprising her is rather anticlimactic most of the time."
"And then some," Jasper admitted. "She's ruined many a surprise."
"Hey, I can't help it," she pouted playfully.
"True," Jasper allowed. "Your gift is your gift, but it is nice to finally be able to surprise you. I couldn't have done it without Balen's help though."
"It was nothing," Balen offered quietly, modest and unobtrusive.
"How do you project it?" I wondered.
"Project it?" Alice asked.
"His gift is quite amazing. The image you kept having of Jasper's blurred silhouette, Balen was projecting that at you, or at anyone who was looking for Jasper, I'm assuming."
"Yes," Balen agreed, suddenly apprehensive and uncomfortable.
"My brother has a talent too. He reads thoughts," Jasper informed Balen.
"Ahhh," Balen acknowledged, nodding. "Then you've already figured out how my gift works?"
"I'm not entirely sure. It's some sort of shield I'm assuming, and obviously you can project it."
"Yes. I focus on a single thought, in this case the image of Jasper running, and all of my thoughts are blocked from anyone with any kind of cerebral talents."
"How far can you project?" I inquired.
"Not far. A few metres at best, and I have to stay focused or the shield comes down."
"Yes, I noticed that when you looked up from the table." I turned to Alice. "Well let's see it, Alice?"
Alice's hand came out to show me the intricate vintage ruby bracelet that Jasper had bought for her, his entire reason for the trip. There was never any truth to the plan to meet Charlotte and Peter. It was merely the detail he focused on to keep Alice off of his trial.
"It was a success then," Balen decided.
"Yes," Jasper agreed nodding, kissing the top of Alice's head. "It was a rousing success in the case of Alice. I do feel badly for putting you out, Edward. I thought Alice would give me a few hours before she panicked."
"It's no problem," I proclaimed. "But since everyone is fine, I am going to head back to Forks. Alice, are you staying with Jasper?"
"Yes," she acknowledged. "But I feel horrible that you'll have to drive back alone."
"It's fine," I assured her. "Bella is waiting for me."
"Of course," Alice agreed. "I'll walk you out."
"Balen." I offered him my hand. "It was nice to meet you. If you're ever in Forks, stop by. I'd love to learn more about your talent, and I'm sure my father would be equally fascinated by it."
"I'm from the north, in Canada. I only came to Seattle as a favour to Jasper, but if I am ever in that area I will look you and your strange family up."
Jasper must have familiarized him with our non-traditional lifestyle.
"I'm sure there is much we could learn from each other." I turned to Jasper. "A little warning next time, brother?"
"I couldn't let you in on it, Edward. Alice would have seen."
"I suppose, but I am glad to find you safe and in good spirits."
"Drive safely, and give Bella my best."
A smile of understanding lit his features. He must have picked up on the subtle changes in my attitude since Bella's name was brought up. I smiled and went to the door to say goodbye to Alice.
"Do you see any trouble?" I asked quietly.
"Your drive home will be seamless. Bella is waiting for you." She showed me the image in her mind of Bella sleeping peacefully.
"She must have gone to bed early," I murmured.
"Go and tell her the truth, Edward."
"I will," I assured her, kissing her on the cheek.
"Did you want to call her before you go?" she wondered.
"No, she's sleeping. I'll be back to her in no time. There's no reason to disturb her."
With my goodbyes finished, I was off.
The road flew under my tires. I could feel the spurious ache she brought out in me, puling me towards her as fast as the Volvo would allow me to go. I didn't want to waste a moment of time with her. The faster I got to her, the faster I could hold her in my arms and protect her and show her all of my love.
A/N: Please review!
Chapter 36: Misdirection (Previous Chapters: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19.1, 19.2, 20, 21, 22.1, 22.2, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33.1, 33.2, 34, 35, 36)
Author:JCAddict/picklewinkle/Sher
Fandom: Twilight
Word Count:7,805
Rating: R/M, for sex and language
Story Summary: Bella is devastated by the loss of her mother and is forced to go live with Charlie, her Mom's best friend when there is no one else to take her in. She gives up on living, too lost in her own anger to let anyone close to her. Enter Edward, the handsome teenage vampire, and the beginning of a complicated love-hate relationship. Neither can deny the connection between them, but can their love survive the fear that rules her and the secret he hides from her? AU, OOC, Rated Mature for language and lemons. Also available at Twilighted.net
Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight and all of its characters. I'm just manipulating them like imaginary playdoh so I feel like I have some power over them **snorts**
36. Misdirection
A/N: I am not lucky enough to be Stephenie Meyer and own even a teensy tiny bit of Twilight beyond owning the books and the blu-ray, but Twilight owns my soul. No copyright infringement is intended.
I am void of witty repartee tonight. I am still writing ahead, making sure the chapters tie back to one another. This is the first of probably four chapters in this part of the story. Enjoy :o)
From Edward’s POV…
Bella was ready to hear my secret.
I walked away from her a bit shaken. I owed her the truth. She deserved to know it, needed to know it in fact, but still, in the face of admission, my fear crescendoed. I found myself wishing that I had taken Bella's suggestion to skip our last two hours of class. Knowing that Bella was ready was enough to drive me mad. I didn't need any extra time to worry and work myself up further. I was sufficiently anxious as it was.
Spanish was a blur. I rarely paid attention under normal circumstances, but today Mrs. Goff could have easily caught me unprepared if she had called on me. Emmett's continuous mental blathering was nothing more than white noise. My thoughts were centred on Bella - on her happiness and well-being, and my own fear. She meant everything to me. The idea of hurting her was like a seeping wound, forever raw and incapable of healing, and I would hurt her. I reminded myself over and over again that our love was strong and that we could survive this, that she loved me enough to forgive me my nature, but my negativity bled through. Instead I shifted my focus to Bella's strength. She had survived the direst of circumstances after losing her mother. If anyone could learn of my nature and deal with it, it would be Bella. She was one of the strongest people I'd ever known. She loved me, needed me. Surely that was enough to keep us together? Perhaps, in some small way, I had helped her with coming out of the darkness she was lost in when her mother passed. Didn't that say something of the strength of our love?
Alice was practically screaming at me to get my attention. My head snapped up in surprise, expecting to see her standing beside me; her voice had become so loud. She wasn't there. It was all in my head.
‘Edward, I've lost contact with Jasper, and I can't find him now. It's got to be related to my vision. I have to go to Seattle, and I need you to come with me and help me find him. Please, Edward? You're the only one who can help me.'
I searched the hazy images that Alice's mind flipped through. It was as if Jasper had just dropped off the face of the Earth. One minute he was everywhere, in every thought Alice had, and then, in the blink of an eye, he had vanished. The last images she had were of Jasper taking off in a sprint after something. She couldn't see what or who it was; only the blurring image of Jasper's silhouette as he pursued some phantom threat.
For the first time ever, I fully understood Alice's overwhelming dread. The idea of something happening to Bella evoked horror in me. The lack of answers, the worrying, the fear, how it would feel to lose half of yourself - it was all familiar to me now. If only I had taken Alice's side and spoken more firmly to Jasper this morning, then perhaps I could have prevented her terror. I had to help her find him. It was the only choice. Bella would understand.
Alice met me outside my class, and I gave her my compliance. I asked her to wait in the car for me and went to find Bella to explain.
Bella looked overtly and excessively pleased to see me when she came out of the locker room. I felt a pang of regret. It pained me to know I would disappoint her, even if she would understand.
"Hey, Romeo," she greeted me cheerfully.
"Hello." I leaned towards her and kissed her cheek softly. "I'm so very sorry, Bella, but I have to cancel our plans. Jasper has disappeared, and Alice has asked for my help in locating him. She's waiting in the car for me already."
"Wh-wh-what?" she stuttered, confused. "What happened to Jasper?"
"We don't know. Alice can't seem to...get a hold of him."
"He's not answering his phone?"
"No."
"Well I'll come with you. An extra set of eyes can't hurt."
"No, Bella," I objected. "It might be dangerous. I couldn't live with myself if something happened to you."
"It might be dangerous?" she echoed fearfully. "You're heading into a dangerous situation, and you won't let me come?"
"I know you'd rather help, and I understand your concern, but I can't allow you to come when I have no idea what we're even up against."
"What you're up against? Edward, what aren't you telling me?" My mask slipped, and Bella saw the fear in my eyes. As always, her considerable observational skills were astute at the most inconvenient times.
‘Tell her, Edward,' Alice's voice commanded in my head.
"Come with me to the car, Bella. Alice can help explain."
Bella started shuffling towards the parking lot without another word to me. I could see the distress on her face. I wasn't at all sure I wanted Bella to hear what Alice wanted to say, but it was Alice's problem. I had to trust that Alice would respect the boundaries I had set up between Bella and me. I opened the car door for Bella and gave her my hand so she could slide into the front seat easily, and went around to the driver's side and got in.
"What is going on, Alice?" Bella asked. "What's happened to Jasper?"
"I wish I knew, Bella. I have something I need to tell you."
"Okay."
"You know how Edward can read minds?"
"Yes."
"Well, he's not the only one with a special gift."
"You can read minds, too?" Bella blurted, surprised.
"No. I can...well...I can sort of see the future."
I shot a glare at Alice, warning her to be cautious.
"Seriously?"
"Yes."
"What is it with you Cullens?" Bella asked, laughing. "Can Emmett fly and Jasper turn invisible?" My eyes widened. Did nothing catch her off guard?
"No, it's just Edward and I that have extra special abilities."
"So is that how you know something's happened to Jasper?"
"Yes, but I don't know for sure that something has happened to him. My visions are transitory and sometimes vague. What I see is always changing based on the decisions people make. There are so many things that can change with one decision, and so many decisions that can be a part of a single moment. I only know what the last thing I saw was, namely Jasper chasing something and disappearing."
"Wow," Bella exclaimed, blowing out a big breath of air. I picked up her hand and rubbed it softly, trying to soothe her. She didn't seem tense about what Alice had told her, but I wasn't completely sure she wasn't holding it in, trying to appear brave to prove that she could handle coming with us.
"I'm sorry to take Edward away and ruin your plans, Bella, but between his gift and mine, we'll be able to find Jasper much more easily."
"Alice will be searching for Jasper's future, and I can search people's thoughts to see if anyone is thinking about him," I clarified.
"Why isn't it safe?" Bella asked hoarsely.
Alice glared at me angrily. ‘Why haven't you told her yet?'
I shot her back a scowl to tell her to stay out of it.
"I may not hear the conversation, but I can still tell you're having one," Bella declared sharply.
"Sorry," I offered sincerely. "Alice was just wondering why I haven't told you my secret yet."
"That's my fault, Alice," Bella admitted. "Edward wanted to tell me, and I wasn't ready to hear it, and even though we were going to talk about it today after school, obviously given the fact that Jasper is missing, it can wait until after you guys get back."
"I'm not sure that is the best choice," Alice said.
"It's Bella's choice, not yours," I charged.
"You might be right, Alice. It may not be the best choice, but considering the circumstances, it's the right choice. You guys don't need to waste time sitting around talking to me when Jasper could be in trouble. The secret can wait until you guys get back. I've been in the dark this long. A few more hours won't hurt anything."
"It will help you understand the thing with Jasper better," Alice explained.
"Alice, will you mind your own business," I growled.
‘Why are you so apprehensive about this. She loves you. She will understand.'
"I've made my mind up, Alice," Bella stated decidedly, turning to look at me. "Edward will wait until he gets home to tell me his secret. End of story."
"Are you sure?" I asked quietly. "If you're ready to talk to me, I'm more than ready to speak to you."
"I'm sure, Edward. This is Jasper's safety we're talking about. You should probably drive me home so you two can get on the road. Hopefully the faster you get there, the faster you can come back to me."
I did as Bella asked, starting the engine and easing the car out of its parking spot before turning to look at her.
"I'm sorry about this, Bella. It's horrible timing."
"It's not your fault. It's not anyone's fault. It just is." I thought I could hear a note of sadness in her tone. I knew she meant her sentiment sincerely, but I also knew that Bella struggled with universal decisions that were out of her hands. She didn't like to have her choices made by others.
‘Walk Bella inside and take your time with her, Edward. She needs you right now, whether she admits it or not.'
I glanced in the rear view mirror and blinked at Alice to say thank you. Even though I was already fairly certain that Bella was simply putting on a brave face, having confirmation of it made my path easier to navigate.
I pulled into her driveway and went around to help her out, following behind her on the path and inside the house once she opened the door. She left her crutches against the wall and hobbled into the living room, flopping down heavily on to the couch.
"Are you sure you wouldn't rather talk right now?"
"I'm sure," she said quietly. It didn't convince me even a tiny amount.
"Alice will understand. She could even head to Seattle on her own, and I could follow her after we talk," I suggested.
"I really don't think this is a conversation that can be rushed. I mean...it's something serious, right?"
She looked to me for confirmation, and I nodded. "Yes, it is."
"Well, then I think it would be best to talk when you have more time, not when you're worried about helping Alice. I might have questions, and we may need to talk for a while. Alice deserves your full attention. I don't want you to be distracted, worrying about me, when you should be concentrating on Jasper."
I'd never seen Bella's selfless side before - it was another reason to admire her, that she could put aside her own concerns when her friend was in need. I sat down beside her and put both of my arms around her, pulling her to me. "As much as helping Alice and Jasper means to me, you mean so much more."
"I know," she whispered. Her eyes were fixed on the floor, her voice, dysphoric.
"It's okay to put your own needs first, you know," I coaxed gently.
"I'm just worried," she admitted. "If Jasper is in danger, then...then you might be in danger, too."
"I won't be in danger. I'm not even convinced Jasper is in danger. I'm helping Alice because I understand how frightened she is. If I didn't know where you were...if I couldn't find you...if something terrible happened to you...I don't think I could go on living."
"Don't say that," Bella petitioned softly. "If anything ever happened to me, I would want you to be happy, even if it was with someone else."
"You're kinder than I am," I granted. "It would be excruciating to see you with someone else, not that I wouldn't respect your wishes if I was no longer your choice. So while I can wish for your forever happiness, I would have great difficulty knowing you found it with someone other than me."
"Oh, I wouldn't want to see you with someone else. Fuck no! I meant if something happened to me, like if I died."
"I know that's what you meant."
"Then what did you mean?" she asked, her expression confused.
"I spoke out of turn. It's a conversation for another time."
"You mean if I left you because of your secret," she whispered soulfully.
"To a degree..." I couldn't say more without upsetting her further. In this case, although I hated to, I had to let her believe in her conclusion. I would correct her as soon as I returned, let her know what I was, about my mortality and my abilities and every other thing she needed or wanted to know about me.
"Promise me that you'll come back to me," she begged, finally looking up at me with wide eyes. She didn't try to edit or hide her emotion from me. She was truly afraid for me.
"Look at me, Bella. I promise you that I will come back to you," I pledged earnestly. "There is nothing that will keep me from you." I didn't have to be able to read her mind to understand that she didn't believe me, even though she wanted to, more than anything.
"Promise me you'll be careful? That you won't do anything dangerous?"
"Nothing dangerous. I will be very careful, I swear. Please don't worry, Bella. I'm really very resilient. It would take a great deal to bring me down."
"I don't care how strong or resilient you think you are. The only thing I care about is getting you back in one piece safely.
"One piece, open arms outstretched to you, I promise. Now will you make me a promise?"
"If I can," she edited.
"It's not much," I told her, smiling.
"What?"
I pulled my cell phone out of my pocket and slipped it into her tiny hand. "Keep my phone with you. Alice's cell is programmed in, and that way you will be able to reach me whenever you need me, night or day."
"Don't you mean so that you will be able to reach me?" she joked, a faint flush on her cheeks.
"You caught me," I admitted. "But it does work both ways. I think you'll worry less if you can get a hold of me, and I know I will feel better if I have a way to talk to you regardless of where you are." I let my thumb brush along her cheekbone and stroke the beautiful colour on her skin. I knew that she was having trouble controlling her emotions, that she was touched by my gesture, so rather than tease her, as I normally would have, I just held her gaze intently, trying to will my assuredness to her. This was not a time to push her when she was clearly having trouble with letting me go. In truth, I was having the same sort of trouble. I just wasn't sure if I should let her see it.
"I will feel better," she conceded. "And since I don't have a phone of my own, then I will happily keep yours. It will be nice to have a little piece of you with me no matter where I go."
"You always have my heart, too," I whispered.
She nodded and smiled, too emotional to speak. "Now go. Alice is waiting for you."
"Just one more thing..." I leaned in and placed my lips on hers, kissing her softly, reverently, lovingly. I could feel her malcontent and misgivings in the way her tight lips pressed against mine, sedulous and devoted, seeking further guarantees. I kissed her back indulgently, letting her emotions control my mouth. When she pushed her tongue out, I eagerly met it, pressing against it ardently, giving her every assurance I had to offer with it. Her tiny hands flew to my neck and gripped it tightly. As much as it made me want to give in and lose control, I knew that if I did, it would only make things harder for Bella. Her emotions were already getting the better of her. I held back my own desires and let her take what she needed from me.
Her hands were incautious and vehement on my neck, pulling my face ever closer to hers. Her nose was already buried in my cheek, yet her fingers still urged me closer. I knew she was worried, but did not understand how desperately so until I felt her tears against my cheeks.
"Bella, it's going to be fine. I wouldn't lie to you," I promised with an intense whisper, drying her tears with my thumbs.
She swatted at my hands, pushing her mouth at me and crushing her lips to mine. I pulled her into my lap and curled my hands around her waist, holding her close to my body, kissing her back with an equal intensity and doing my best to answer her unasked questions - to acknowledge her apprehension, squelch her fears and satisfy her need for a physical connection to me. I'd never seen her so restive and tormented with regard to me. Normally my touch was a calming influence, but today it seemed to have the opposite effect.
Bella continued to kiss me, her tiny hands pressing against my neck while her lips assailed mine. There was none of the normal tenderness she showed me, only anxiety and turmoil. There was something in her kiss, a mixture of vague familiarity and foreign newness, beyond the desperation and restlessness, and more than the intensity that she was trying to ascribe it as. A sudden feeling of déjà vu overwhelmed me. It was the way her lips pressed against mine, the way her hands knit into my hair, the way she clung to me - it was like the night of our dinner date when I was late to meet her. This kiss had the same onerous edge to it. My mind raced, trying to determine what was going on in Bella's head and what she meant by her kiss. That night I had tried to get past her anger by pushing my affection on to her, and while she accepted it, her belief was that her affection was all I was after. She didn't trust that my feelings for her were true or even real. The pieces fell into place. Not only was she fearful of the dangerous situation she felt I was going in to, she truly believed that I was not coming back to her. She was saying goodbye with this kiss, as she had that night.
"Bella," I murmured, forcibly pulling her hands off my neck and easing her back. "This isn't goodbye."
"You don't know that, Edward. Anything can happen. You said yourself that Jasper might be in danger."
"That's not what I meant, Bella, not the way you're defining it anyway," I soothed, smoothing my hand along her beautiful face. "The worst danger Jasper is in is what Alice might do to him for not listening to her." I laughed lightly, trying to show her that she didn't need to worry. "I swear to you. Do you really think I'd let Alice go into a dangerous situation? After you, she's my best friend. I wouldn't allow her anywhere near a potential menace. Jasper would have my hide if I did."
"Really?" she rasped, rubbing her red tear-stained cheeks with fisted hands.
"Truly. If I could stop Alice from going, I would, but she's right - we'll find Jasper more quickly working together. Jasper is to Alice what you are to me - a once in a lifetime love. The chance that he is in any real danger is almost insignificant, unless you're one half of the whole that it's happening to. Alice is unsure and afraid, and all she wants is for Jasper to be okay. She won't rest until she sees him with her own eyes. She knows he's not in any real danger, at least deep down. It's the not knowing that is driving her to desperation. I will return to you, along with Jasper and Alice, and we'll all be perfectly unharmed. You'll see."
"I'm sorry," she croaked, pressing a kiss to my mouth. Her lips were a soft pout, relaxed and sweet and everything her previous kiss was not.
"No, I'm sorry," I whispered. "I didn't mean to worry you so vehemently."
"You should go," she murmured quietly, looking away from me. "Alice is waiting for you."
"I don't need to go until you're ready, Bella. I'm much more worried about how you're doing than whether Alice is upset with me."
"I'd be chomping at the bit to go if I were her. You should go. I'll be okay."
"Will you?" I wondered aloud.
"It will never be easy for me to let you go," she admitted in a hushed voice.
"Nor me, you." I pressed a kiss to her forehead in understanding. "I don't like to be away from you, and the distance that will separate us tonight will make the anguish all the worse."
"Come back to me," she murmured, kissing me softly.
"I will," I promised, kissing her back.
She slipped off my lap and walked me to the door. Her brave face had returned, but she didn't look nearly as brave as she thought she did. I could still see the remnants of fear in her beautiful eyes.
"Why don't you go take a bath?" I suggested. "It might help you relax."
"That's a good idea," she agreed, smiling. "I love you."
She pushed up on to her toes, stretching as tall as she could to kiss me. I bent to her. She wasn't tall enough to reach me, even fully stretched out, and I wasn't willing to give up a single kiss from her.
"I love you too. Call me if you need me, even if it's just to make sure I'm okay, and try not to worry. Think happy thoughts. We'll be reunited soon."
"Soon," she echoed.
Unable to resist, I kissed her beautiful pouting lips one more time and murmured a goodbye. I didn't turn around to look at her again. I wouldn't have been able to leave, but I saw the tears in her eyes in Alice's mind.
"She'll be okay," Alice promised, showing me the image in her head of Bella pouring a bath--she wasn't crying any longer--and then an image of Bella sleeping peacefully. I held tightly to that image as I sped away, trying not to focus on the ever-increasing miles between us.
~~~~~
Alice was unusually quiet for the first part of the drive. I could see her every thought was focused on Jasper, endlessly and tirelessly searching for any sign of him. I was surprised by the number of times the image of his blurred silhouette sprinting appeared in her mind. I wasn't sure if she was studying it for details or questioning it.
My mind was focused on Bella, wondering how she was doing, remorseful for our lost time and worried that she was upset. I watched Alice's mind for glimpses of her. Every now and again I would get a brief flash of her between the images of Jasper. After her bath, Bella baked brownies and later curled up in an Adirondack chair in the back yard with a blanket and a book. The brief flashes of her were enough to assuage my fears. She was, at the very least, safe and seemingly content, given the circumstances.
Today had not gone how I intended, save for the beginning. Our playful morning wakeup was the perfect way to start the day. I waited until the last possible moment to rouse Bella from her peaceful slumber. She was like dead weight against me all night long, almost as if she'd passed out. I couldn't keep my hands to myself after all the closeness we'd shared and tested her level of sleep in different ways, but she never as much as budged from her place against my side. She rolled over only once, very early in the morning, turning from one side to the other, and I just resettled myself against her new shape and began my observations from a new perspective.
The testing started out innocently enough. A strand of her hair was tickling my nose so I picked it up to move it. It was so silky that I twirled it around my finger and enjoyed the feel of it against my skin. That led to more hair, and eventually I immodestly plunged my hands into it and luxuriated in it. It was just lying there behind her, spread out along the mattress and pillow, taunting me. The newly found freedom born of our intimacy had dissolved much of my self-consciousness. I didn't feel the need to hold back anything. If I wanted to touch her, I did. That led me to touch as much of her as I could. Anywhere my fingers could reach, I touched. I traced every curve, memorized every freckle and mole, and caressed her skin more times than I could count. I found my hands seeking forbidden places on her body, and even then I didn't hold back. There was no need. She was mine in every sense of the word. If I had gone too far and awoken her, she would have understood. She was as bewitched as I was.
Perhaps her actions in biology were a way for karma to pay me back for my impertinence overnight. I pretended to ignore her hand as it moved up my thigh. Part of me enjoyed it far more than I should have allowed myself, and part of me understood her need. I would be lying if I said I hadn't had the same thought cross my mind. When she stroked me, my body reacted immediately. It was all so new and glorious. I half-heartedly tried to dissuade her from her plans, but she would not be distracted. She knew what she wanted, and I was under her control from the moment she touched me.
I wasn't paying attention to her movements; my eyes were closed as I enjoyed her touch. When her hand moved under my shirt, I was unprepared. When her hand moved into my jeans, I all but lost control of myself, grasping the desk so firmly that it cracked quite profoundly under my fingertips. I don't know how Lee Stephens didn't turn around to check for the source of the noise, but he didn't, thankfully. He must have really been absorbed by the movie not to notice.
I had one arm around the back of Bella, which I left in place, but from that point forward, I said nothing. I stopped breathing and stayed as still as a stone in an effort to control myself. I couldn't allow myself an inch more than I already had. Bella realized she'd given me no warning and questioned whether I wanted her to continue. I think it might have brought me to my knees if she had stopped. I slid my hand down the back of her jeans and grasped at her desperately, silently begging her to continue. Unlike last night, there was no chance for a more intimate connection. This was purely about climax, and I fiercely desired the release she was delivering. I couldn't comprehend how her tiny little hand could make me come undone, but it did, and in a commanding way. I made a note to pay her back when I returned to her, since my chance to do so after school had been interrupted.
It had really been a bizarre coincidence that we were even presented with the opportunity that allowed the activities in biology to occur - that practically the entire class had signed up to take part in a blood drive in Port Angeles. I knew why I had not signed up, but Bella's answers caught me off guard. It was beyond ironic that she would be a person who fainted at the sight of blood. The notion made me cringe inwardly. I'm not sure what showed on my face, but Bella picked up on my unease. She explained it was more than just the sight but the smell of blood. It was the closest we had ever come to speaking directly about my nature. To know that it sickened her was upsetting, and I had to suppress the self-disgust and fear. It was just another thing that I had to hope she was capable of looking past.
In the darkness of the car, I pondered how learning my secret might damage her new calm. I couldn't pretend I wasn't relieved that she wanted to put off the conversation about my secret after school. I certainly wasn't anxious to have it under any kind of time constraints. I wanted to be able to answer all of Bella's questions and show her that I was willing to fight for her if she tried to push me away. I had no doubt that the coming conversation would be the denouement of our relationship. Alice must have picked up on my hypothecating.
"You've wasted so much time worrying about how she'll react. She loves you. She'll find a way to understand." Alice's voice was so sure, I immediately began searching her mind for some hint of the proof she might have seen.
"I know she loves me, but even with a love as great as ours, it's a lot to ask of someone."
"Not Bella." I watched the pictures in Alice's mind intently, still searching for the image that would show me how Bella took the news of my nature.
"Why not Bella? Have you seen something?"
"I've seen lots of things, but between her fear and your reluctance, the future never solidifies. And Bella is not your average girl. She's been through a lifetime of heartache already. She knows what is important and what isn't much more clearly than most people her age."
"She seems so fragile," I murmured, half to myself, and half as a defence against what Alice thought.
"She's shown you all of herself, the strong parts and the delicate parts. It just shows how much she trusts you if she can be vulnerable enough to tell you what she went through with her mother."
"You were watching that?" I asked.
"No, I wasn't watching per se. After I had the vision of her crying, I kept looking for the reason for it. As soon as you admitted your feelings for one another, the vision came. To be honest, I was worried the crying had something to do with you."
"I've put off telling her too long," I lamented. "And I was trying to remedy it this week, but Bella was too afraid of what it might mean to us to listen to me. Today, she was finally ready to talk to me about it, but she wouldn't allow me to tell her once she learned about Jasper. She knew you needed me."
"I'm sorry if my problems have made things more difficult for you."
"You don't need to apologize. Of everyone in our family, you would be the only one who would help me if our roles were reversed. Loving Bella has helped me understand the bond between you and Jasper. If my life has been made more difficult, I have no one to blame but myself. Every decision was made with the best of intentions but was not always the right thing to do. I've made mistakes, and I'm sure I'll continue to make mistakes. So, while I should have told Bella before now, I haven't, and I hope that upon our return I can rectify the situation."
"I know you're scared, Edward. I can't begin to imagine what it would be like to live in fear of losing Jasper or how difficult it's been for you to hide parts of yourself from Bella."
"Do you know how she'll take it?" I asked softly.
"Specifically? No, only that I haven't had any new visions of her crying or falling apart."
"Anything with regard to her anger, or...of me?"
"Of you?" she questioned, confused.
"Alone," I whispered solemnly. I didn't know how else to ask her if she saw Bella and I apart. I wasn't even sure I wanted to know if she saw an end, but perhaps if she did there was something I could do to change it.
"No, you were together in every vision I've had. There haven't been any decisions made that have risked your union. That's a good sign, right? If you decided to tell her today, and you and she agreed that the conversation would take place after school, then I would have seen something negative if it was going to occur."
"I suppose," I mumbled, trying to decide if I truly believed her or not. Her gift was so speculative. The visions were more theorem than fact - something that stood to come true based on the decisions that had already been made, but no tangible proof existed that guaranteed they would.
"You know I've been watching for it, Edward."
"If I've learned anything, Alice, it's that things are not always what they seem, and there are so many things that are out of our control."
"You worry too much. You can't protect her from everything. There are things she needs to do and say, things that are going to hurt her; it's all part of a human life."
"She is physically our opposite in every way - mortal and fragile and destructible. I don't see how I could stop trying to protect her. It's a part of me as much as she is."
"I don't want you to stop protecting her. I just want you to cut yourself some slack. You can't protect her from every source of hurt, and you have to stop trying."
"Anything new on Jasper?" I asked, changing the subject. I didn't want to discuss protecting Bella. Alice couldn't understand my position when her mate was immortal and practically indestructible. While I was able, I was going to protect Bella with everything I had. She was my reason for being.
~~~~~
Once in Seattle, we went directly to Jasper's hotel and started asking questions. He hadn't picked up his messages or been seen by any of the hotel staff since leaving the hotel around 11:00 AM. He was alone when he left and made no mention of his plans. Alice left another round of messages for him - at the front desk, his hotel room phone and again on his cell phone.
His trail was too cold to follow. There were only faint nuances of his scent around the lobby of the hotel and outside its front doors. He'd opted for either public transit or walking because his sedan remained in the underground parking garage. Alice and I checked it over thoroughly. No one else had been in the car. There were no signs of a struggle or any clues that might have given us a hint about Jasper's whereabouts.
We got back into the Volvo and headed to the outskirts of the city, looking for places where Charlotte and Peter might be more comfortable hanging around. We found plenty of forested areas but never once picked up the scent of Jasper or any vampire. Alice continued her frantic search of the future but found nothing new.
"Don't you find it strange that you've seen nothing new at all?" I wondered. "Your mind returns to that last image of Jasper's silhouette running away almost fanatically."
"I'm not pulling the image; it just appears. No matter what question I focus on, that image seems to come up as the answer. Maybe there's something wrong with me; perhaps my gift is malfunctioning?"
"Or someone is causing its malfunction?"
"What are you thinking?" Alice asked.
"You said yourself you couldn't see the direction the threat came from and assumed it might be vampire because Peter and Charlotte were involved in Jasper's plans. What if vampires are involved? One of them might have some auxiliary talent that is somehow blocking Jasper from you."
"It's entirely possible, but why? What could they want from Jasper?"
"I haven't come up with a good reason for it yet," I mumbled, searching the corners of my mind for the antecedent. It was difficult to conceive of any situation that might leave Jasper vulnerable to being overpowered, at least in a physical sense. He had ample strength and was the best fighter I knew, but there were vampires with other cerebral gifts that could render him immobile. My mind went to the Volturi; they were certainly capable of kidnapping. Jasper's gift for emotional manipulation was useful but not as powerful a tool as many other talents might be in combat, so it seemed unlikely that his gift would make him a target for them. Of course, he might simply be a pawn to lure Alice to them. Her gift was exceedingly valuable to the Volturi. I shuddered at the thought. Jasper would rather die than hand her over to them.
We drove around the city for hours, concentrating on the area surrounding the hotel. Alice focused inwards, foraging the murky depths of time for even the tiniest change since the last time she looked. I was focused outwards, scanning mind after mind for any reference to Jasper. We continued to come up empty handed. If he was in the area, he was either traveling incognito or not traveling at all. It was nearing ten o'clock, so Alice decided we should check back at the hotel to see if Jasper had reappeared there.
Alice made her way to the front desk to ask about Jasper, and I immediately saw the change in her body language. She walked back to me and informed me that Jasper had returned safely and was in his hotel room.
"I'm glad he's safe. Have you picked up anything of him?" I asked, confused, wondering if her visions had changed since I could still not pick up his mental voice.
"Nothing. It's like he's not here, even though the concierge has seen him. You?"
"I still can't hear his thoughts at all. How strange."
We rode the elevator to his floor in silence, each of us in our heads. I was sure Alice wanted to speak to Jasper alone, but I wasn't going to let her go to him until I knew what was keeping his presence obstructed.
Alice knocked on his door. "Jasper, it's Alice. Are you in there? Are you okay?"
The door flew open, and Jasper had Alice in his arms in milliseconds. Still, I heard nothing of his mental voice.
"Alice, what are you doing here?" he asked, kissing her forehead and pulling her into the hotel room. I followed reluctantly, feeling unsure and uncomfortable that my gift was not functioning as it should have been. I could still see Alice's mind and hear her thoughts, but I was getting nothing from Jasper at all.
"You disappeared," she whispered, still fearful and emotional. "Edward brought me to help look for you."
"What's going on, Jasper?" I asked pointedly. "I can't hear your mind."
"Follow me," he requested, walking further into the suite.
Seated at the table near the window was a tall, lanky man that I did not recognize. Upon further inspection, I realized he was not human but vampire, as indicated by his crimson irises. I stopped mid-stride, instantly on guard. Jasper's relaxed stance did not change, and he made no move to shield Alice. The man looked up at us, seeming distracted, and then looked back down at the table. In the instant he looked at us, I could hear both his mind and Jasper's, but as soon as he looked away their minds went quiet again.
"Edward, can you wait here a moment please?"
I nodded my compliance and studied the man at the table carefully, assessing his physical strength, age and any other details I could surmise from him given the potential hazard he might pose to Alice or me. I made no move to introduce myself or sit down. He did not welcome me in any way either.
I watched Alice's mind and shook off the discomfort when I saw the images appear, allowing myself to relax. A moment later I heard Jasper's voice call out to us.
"It's okay, Balen. You can stop."
Jasper and Alice returned to the room, and the gentleman stood up, much more focused on the group of us now. He wore a sloppy grin that made him seem far less threatening.
"Edward, Alice," Jasper began, "this is Balen. Balen, this is my wife, Alice, and my brother, Edward." He held his hand out to me, and I shook it politely. Jasper turned towards Alice. "Balen and I used to be in the army together; we were both turned by Maria and her cohorts."
I nodded in understanding, probing Balen's mind for details of his gift. It was fascinating. He had the ability to block all conscious and subconscious thoughts coming from his mind. To the average human, his gift was invisible, but it made finding him impossible using gifts like Alice's and mine. It was as if he stopped time somehow, focusing on a single thought and making himself disappear. He must have been able to project it somehow and shield Jasper as well.
"It's nice to meet you, Balen," Alice greeted cheerfully. She had returned to her happy relaxed self almost the instant she felt Jasper's arms around her.
"Did you give it to her?" I asked, picking out the details of Jasper's plan from his mind.
"Yes," Jasper replied sheepishly. "I realize what I did was above and beyond in your eyes, Edward, but how else was I going to surprise Alice for our anniversary?"
"Not at all," I admitted. "It's actually quite lovely that you went so far. With Alice's gift, I imagine surprising her is rather anticlimactic most of the time."
"And then some," Jasper admitted. "She's ruined many a surprise."
"Hey, I can't help it," she pouted playfully.
"True," Jasper allowed. "Your gift is your gift, but it is nice to finally be able to surprise you. I couldn't have done it without Balen's help though."
"It was nothing," Balen offered quietly, modest and unobtrusive.
"How do you project it?" I wondered.
"Project it?" Alice asked.
"His gift is quite amazing. The image you kept having of Jasper's blurred silhouette, Balen was projecting that at you, or at anyone who was looking for Jasper, I'm assuming."
"Yes," Balen agreed, suddenly apprehensive and uncomfortable.
"My brother has a talent too. He reads thoughts," Jasper informed Balen.
"Ahhh," Balen acknowledged, nodding. "Then you've already figured out how my gift works?"
"I'm not entirely sure. It's some sort of shield I'm assuming, and obviously you can project it."
"Yes. I focus on a single thought, in this case the image of Jasper running, and all of my thoughts are blocked from anyone with any kind of cerebral talents."
"How far can you project?" I inquired.
"Not far. A few metres at best, and I have to stay focused or the shield comes down."
"Yes, I noticed that when you looked up from the table." I turned to Alice. "Well let's see it, Alice?"
Alice's hand came out to show me the intricate vintage ruby bracelet that Jasper had bought for her, his entire reason for the trip. There was never any truth to the plan to meet Charlotte and Peter. It was merely the detail he focused on to keep Alice off of his trial.
"It was a success then," Balen decided.
"Yes," Jasper agreed nodding, kissing the top of Alice's head. "It was a rousing success in the case of Alice. I do feel badly for putting you out, Edward. I thought Alice would give me a few hours before she panicked."
"It's no problem," I proclaimed. "But since everyone is fine, I am going to head back to Forks. Alice, are you staying with Jasper?"
"Yes," she acknowledged. "But I feel horrible that you'll have to drive back alone."
"It's fine," I assured her. "Bella is waiting for me."
"Of course," Alice agreed. "I'll walk you out."
"Balen." I offered him my hand. "It was nice to meet you. If you're ever in Forks, stop by. I'd love to learn more about your talent, and I'm sure my father would be equally fascinated by it."
"I'm from the north, in Canada. I only came to Seattle as a favour to Jasper, but if I am ever in that area I will look you and your strange family up."
Jasper must have familiarized him with our non-traditional lifestyle.
"I'm sure there is much we could learn from each other." I turned to Jasper. "A little warning next time, brother?"
"I couldn't let you in on it, Edward. Alice would have seen."
"I suppose, but I am glad to find you safe and in good spirits."
"Drive safely, and give Bella my best."
A smile of understanding lit his features. He must have picked up on the subtle changes in my attitude since Bella's name was brought up. I smiled and went to the door to say goodbye to Alice.
"Do you see any trouble?" I asked quietly.
"Your drive home will be seamless. Bella is waiting for you." She showed me the image in her mind of Bella sleeping peacefully.
"She must have gone to bed early," I murmured.
"Go and tell her the truth, Edward."
"I will," I assured her, kissing her on the cheek.
"Did you want to call her before you go?" she wondered.
"No, she's sleeping. I'll be back to her in no time. There's no reason to disturb her."
With my goodbyes finished, I was off.
The road flew under my tires. I could feel the spurious ache she brought out in me, puling me towards her as fast as the Volvo would allow me to go. I didn't want to waste a moment of time with her. The faster I got to her, the faster I could hold her in my arms and protect her and show her all of my love.
A/N: Please review!