Out of Choices - Chapter 38
Title: Out Of Choices
Chapter 38: Disaster (Previous Chapters: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19.1, 19.2, 20, 21, 22.1, 22.2, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33.1, 33.2, 34, 35, 36, 37, 38)
Author:JCAddict/picklewinkle/Sher
Fandom: Twilight
Word Count:8,546
Rating: R/M, for sex and language
Story Summary: Bella is devastated by the loss of her mother and is forced to go live with Charlie, her Mom's best friend when there is no one else to take her in. She gives up on living, too lost in her own anger to let anyone close to her. Enter Edward, the handsome teenage vampire, and the beginning of a complicated love-hate relationship. Neither can deny the connection between them, but can their love survive the fear that rules her and the secret he hides from her? AU, OOC, Rated Mature for language and lemons. Also available at Twilighted.net
Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight and all of its characters. I'm just manipulating them like imaginary playdoh so I feel like I have some power over them **snorts**
38. Disaster
A/N: Blah, blah, blah…Stephenie Meyer…owner…me…nothing.
Thank you to everyone who has been reviewing. I am grateful. I decided to post the update and answer reviews tomorrow. If anyone has anything pressing, please feel free to PM me.
I’m a big music buff and am always listening to something. I made a playlist for the story, but I’ve been told you can only hear 30 seconds of each song. My intention is to upload the songs, and will get to that soon. If anyone is interested they can find a link in my profile.
From Edward’s POV…
I drove straight to Bella’s house; feeling anxious to slip into bed next to her and hold her while she slept, anticipating the electricity and joy of her presence. I reviewed the image of her sleeping in my mind, peaceful and angelic, and smiled to myself. I was content and excited as I drove the last few miles and made the last turn on to her street.
I was not prepared in the slightest way for the scene I happened upon.
I pulled into the driveway to find a strange boy with his arms around Bella. Her truck was nowhere in sight, and I did not recognize the black Volkswagen Rabbit parked in front of the house as a car I’d seen before. I rushed from the Volvo.
“Bella,” I called, alarmed. “What’s wrong?” I hurried up the walkway towards her and the stranger that held her in his arms. “Who are you, and what are you doing to her?”
“Screw you, buddy,” he spat. His mind was pure, despite his expression of disrespect, and he was considerably worried about Bella’s condition. I had insulted him with my reproach, but he stood ready to defend Bella if I turned out to be a threat to her. I ignored him and concentrated on Bella.
“Bella, sweetheart, what’s wrong?” I bent towards her, reaching out for her, and she flinched away from me. Her eyes closed and she turned her face away from me.
“What have you done to her?” I demanded, searching his mind for details. His mind was very defensive, almost possessive, and I could tell he held Bella in some degree of regard.
“I found her like this, not that it’s any of your business.” I didn’t like his answer or his tone, and in the panic I was feeling I was not particularly ready to play twenty questions with the cretin. He was remembering the look on Bella’s face when he found her, pale and terrified. His thoughts were thick with concern for her.
“Found her…like this?” I accused, aghast. “Where?”
“I was walking home, taking a shortcut, and came across her in the middle of the forest, exactly like this. I don’t know what’s wrong with her.” The picture in his mind was not a place I knew Bella to frequent. I had no explanation as to why she might have been there.
“What was she doing in the forest?” I wondered rhetorically, moving my eyes back to Bella. “Bella, what’s going on? Please talk to me.”
Again I moved my hands towards her, wanting to remove her from the boy’s grasp and bring her into the safety of my arms. She turned her body further away from me.
“I don’t think she wants to talk you, umm…what’s your name?”
“Edward. My name is Edward. Bella is my girlfriend. Please give her to me and let me try to get her some help.”
He was disappointed by my declaration, but accepted that I was telling the truth. He stepped aside a small amount to allow me some room to pull Bella to me. He was supporting her weight more than I realized. As soon as I stepped towards her, she flinched back from me. The boy’s arms surrounded her protectively in an instant. My jealousy flared. I didn’t like seeing his arms around Bella, doing my job.
“I’m Jacob,” he offered, “and again, I don’t think she wants to talk to you.”
His thoughts were almost smug. It was ridiculous that he took pleasure from Bella’s fear. If he knew her at all he should know how out of character this sort of dependence was for her, how ambiguous and unfocused and contrary to her regular demeanour her current behaviour was.
“This is insane,” I hollered angrily. “Give her to me!”
“Red,” Jacob whispered, “there is a guy here named Edward who says he’s your boyfriend. Do you want to go with him?”
“Her name is Bella,” I hissed, uncomfortable with their closeness and his apparent nickname for her.
“You call her Bella. I call her Red,” he replied indignantly.
“If you knew her at all then you’d know she prefers to be called Bella,” I corrected, losing my patience with him.
“Really?” he questioned in a patronizing tone. “Because she was just fine with me calling her Red.” He bent towards the side of her face and spoke softly to her. I had to use all my self-control not to forcibly remove his lips from the vicinity of Bella’s ear. “Edward wants to take you inside. Do you want to go with him?”
When he asked her the question, I could see the way her fingers dug into the flesh of his arms, desperate and dire. She was holding on to him like her life depended on it. I watched as the boy flipped through his memories of finding Bella. She was alone when he found her, lying in the middle of a forested area. Her body was curled into the fetal position and she was shaking. She didn’t even open her eyes when he spoke to her but willingly went with him. At least he had taken care with her, helping to support her while she walked without her crutches and giving his jacket to her for warmth. What on Earth was she doing out in the forest at almost midnight? Even more, why was she clinging so desperately to this boy that I’d never heard mention of?
“She’s not answering, and I’m not comfortable leaving her with you if she doesn’t give me permission.” I could appreciate his sentiment, given his concern for Bella, but I’d had enough of his foolish interference.
“She’s my girlfriend. I don’t need your permission!”
His body curled around hers instinctively, protecting her from the perceived threat he felt was coming from me. My body tensed and I took a step towards him. I was having a great deal of difficulty controlling myself. I refocused my instincts on Bella, trying to ignore my irritation and panic.
“If you won’t give her to me, then at least take her inside. She shouldn’t be out here in the cold in her condition.”
“Do you know how to get into her house? I didn’t find any keys on her.”
“Yes.” I led him to the front door, taking the key from under the eaves to open the lock and holding the door open so he could persuade Bella inside.
“What about her mother and father? Do you know how to get a hold of them?” he wondered.
“Charlie is not her father, but yes, I know how to get a hold of him.”
I felt a small amount of recompense in the boy’s lack of knowledge. How well could he know Bella if he thought Charlie was her father, let alone not know that Bella’s mother had died?
“Red, Edward is going to call your Dad. What else do you need me to do?” He waited a moment to see if Bella would answer. She barely seemed to register his words. He turned towards me when she didn’t respond. “Should we get her upstairs?”
“I will take her,” I announced commandingly.
I stepped towards Bella. She seemed incognizant of her surroundings. I gently slipped my hands around her waist to support her weight and shot a dismissive glare at Jacob. Bella seemed to discern the change when Jacob stepped away from her, and her eyes finally came to mine. She looked afraid and confused and I’d never felt more lost and helpless. I had no idea what had happened or how to help her. Her entire body was trembling. I bent to scoop her legs and pulled her into my arms, never taking my eyes off of hers. I could hear her heartbeat racing in an unfamiliar way and her chest was barely displaced by her shallow, uneven breaths. She struggled to stay focused on my face and for the briefest of moments, I could see joy in her eyes, but it was quickly replaced by something else, something black and hollow. I watched in worry as her eyelids fluttered unevenly and her eyes rolled behind them while her head dropped back. Her whole body went limp in my arms.
I quickly carried her upstairs and laid her on her bed.
“Bella, I’m here, just like I promised,” I whispered soothingly, sitting down on the edge of the bed to be close to her. “Please open your eyes…please tell me how to help you.” I picked up her hand and held it, running my other hand along her face. For once my cold skin would serve a helpful purpose. She didn’t respond to my touch in any way. I was glad she wasn’t flinching away from me any longer, but I wanted so badly for her to open her eyes and explain to me what was going on.
Jacob appeared in the doorway.
“I can sit with her while you call her dad if you want?” he offered politely. “Has she passed out again?”
“Yes,” I told him quietly. “Did she faint while you were bringing her home?”
“A couple of times at least. I couldn’t quite tell to be honest. She was pretty out of it. Does she do drugs?” he wondered.
“No,” I defended in a flat voice. “Never. Something has happened to her. I’m fairly sure this is some kind of shock. It’s very unlike her normal behaviour. Are you sure you saw nothing, not even in the area surrounding the woods where you found her?”
“Nothing, man. I mean…I didn’t really look that hard. I was stunned to find her there, and when she started acting so strangely, I just figured she was high.”
“She’s not. What did she do that seemed strange?”
“She kept looking behind her and cowering. She talked about her truck, but I didn’t find any keys on her or see her truck anywhere around where I found her. She asked me to help her, but wouldn’t say with what.” I saw the corresponding images in his mind. Her reactions didn’t match her surroundings. She would flinch and cower at strange times, her face growing pale and more horrified. Her eyes seemed to be closed much more often than they should have been.
I heard my cell phone ring, and my eyes darted to it.
“Would that be her dad?” Jacob wondered.
“No, I haven’t called him yet. That’s my cell. It’s probably my sister. Can you sit with Bella?”
Jacob agreed. I kissed Bella’s forehead softly, getting up and grabbing my cell phone from her dresser on my way out of her room. Poor Alice was probably beside herself with worry, but perhaps she had seen something of what happened to Bella and could give me some sort of guidance.
“Alice, do you know what happened to her?”
“I’m on my way to you now, Edward.”
“What happened to her?” I demanded. Alice was too far out of range for me to pick up her thoughts.
“I’m ten, fifteen minutes away, tops. Go downstairs. I don’t want to speak in front of whoever that is there with you.”
“Alice, is she going to be okay?”
“Physically she will be fine, but the rest of the picture hasn’t solidified.”
“Can’t you give me some kind of hint to the cause?”
“She’s in shock, Edward. Go wait for me outside.”
“Fine.” I snapped the phone shut in irritation and went outside. I could hear the sound of Carlisle’s Mercedes off in the distance, closing fast. Alice had either lied about how far away they were, or Jasper was driving so fast he was breaking the sound barrier. I could feel my panic growing exponentially. Alice was keeping me out, and it was never good news when she kept me out of her thoughts. The car barely stopped when I mandated an explanation.
“What happened?” I demanded through gritted teeth.
“Bella woke up. I tried to call you to warn you, but you didn’t answer.”
“I couldn’t answer. Bella had my cell phone. You knew that.”
“Bella didn’t answer either.”
“She must have left the cell phone behind. Why did she leave?”
“She missed you. She couldn’t get back to sleep so she decided to go to the meadow.”
“She was no where near the meadow when Jacob found her. What happened? How did she wander so far from where she started?”
“The thing you need to focus on is that she’s fine. She wasn’t harmed.”
“She’s not fine, Alice. Something happened out there. Tell me what you know!”
“You’re going to be angry,” she warned.
“I don’t care. Tell me!”
“Edward, she knows,” Alice whispered. She cleared her mind and began to show me the vision. Bella had gone to the clearing. She sat for a while looking up at the stars and then got up to leave. Suddenly, her direction changed course and she wandered further into the thick of the forest, as if she was searching for something. Then I saw the horrifying image that had frightened Bella. She’d stumbled across Rosalie mid-feeding, draining the blood from a deer. I could only imagine the horror that went through Bella’s mind. I saw Rosalie’s head turn toward Bella, and watched in disgrace and revulsion as Rosalie feinted and considered attacking. I wondered if Bella had any idea how much danger she was actually in, but she seemed to. She called to Rosalie and when Rosalie growled, Bella fled, tripping and tumbling on to the forest floor. She was terror-stricken - sickly pale and visually shaken - and she struggled desperately to move, crawling and clawing and finally getting herself back up on her feet. She never looked back, just continued to compel herself forward trying to get away.
I fell to my knees and covered my head with my arms, utterly and completely defeated. I’d done everything right - I had allowed Bella to set the pace between us, and respected her wishes to protect her fragile heart, and still it was not enough. We were doomed, fated to fail from the very first moment she entered my life. All the countless hours spent trying to keep her safe and protect her from hurt, and in the end I couldn’t even protect her from my own family. I couldn’t protect her from anything - not from hurt, or from my nature, or from the truth.
“Edward, it’s going to be okay,” Alice whispered, putting her hands on my shoulders. I shook them off and got to me feet. I didn’t want her reassurance; what I needed had become inconsequential. I had to think of Bella. I couldn’t protect her, so now I had to do everything possible to make sure that she would be okay, if she would even let me.
“Go home,” I instructed. “Get Carlisle, and have him come here to check on Bella. Tell Esme and the others what’s happened if Rosalie hasn’t informed them. I need to focus on Bella right now. Nothing else matters.”
“I’ll stay. Jasper can go get Carlisle and tell the rest the story.”
“No. Jacob is still here and I need to get him out too. Bella doesn’t need more company. She needs to be left alone until she’s feeling better.”
“This isn’t your fault, Edward. There’s nothing you could have done to prevent it.”
“Yes, there was. I could have told her the truth.”
“You were thinking only of her mental well-being. There’s no way you could have predicted this.”
“Does it really matter, Alice? It’s happened, and there’s nothing I can do to change it. She found out in the worst way possible, and if she hasn’t figured it out, it’s only a matter of time before she does. Her mind will go into overdrive trying to make sense of every little thing she’s ever noticed over the course of our relationship until she figures out that I am nothing better than the reprehensible monster that she saw in the forest.”
“She loves you, Edward.”
“Loved, Alice. She’s already begun the transition. She couldn’t look at me and didn’t want me to touch her, flinching away from me every time I tried. The only thing that matters now is that I do everything I can to make sure she’ll be okay.”
“You’re not giving Bella any credit. At least hear her side of things before you resign yourself to the demise of everything.”
“The only thing I can focus on right now is her care. Please go and do what I’ve asked. I have my cell phone if you need me.”
“Edward,” Alice protested.
I raised my voice. “This is not up for debate, Alice. I’m doing things my way this time. This is my responsibility to shoulder. Now please go and do what I asked.” I turned my back on her and walked away, leaving her to follow my directions, knowing she’d do the right thing. I needed to check on Bella and see if she’d come to.
I dialed Charlie’s cell phone number as I made my way inside, but got no answer. I didn’t leave a message.
“Who was that?” Jacob wondered, staring after Alice, Jasper and Balen.
“My sister and brother, and a friend. They came to check on Bella but I sent them away. She needs her rest.”
“Oh, okay,” he mumbled, hesitating like there was something more he wanted to say. His mind was considering whether or not I included him amongst the people that should be allowed to stay with Bella.
“I’m going to call Charlie, and my father, who is a physician, is going to come and check on her. I’m sure you have to get going home. It’s quite late.”
“I don’t have to…well, I really wanted to stay until we know that Bella’s okay.”
“I don’t think we’ll know tonight, to be honest. I’m relatively sure she’s in shock and expect that she’ll spend most of the night sleeping, but I’ll be happy to call you and update you on her progress. After all, I owe you a great deal for finding her and bringing her home safely.”
Jacob’s eyes grew wide. He didn’t expect to hear my expression of gratitude. “It was nothing,” he offered. “I just wish I could help her.”
“I do too,” I murmured sincerely, wishing only for Bella’s happiness. I wondered if this boy made her happy, for I would gladly step aside to assure her contentedness. Since Bella had never mentioned him to me, I had no idea if he affected her joy, and felt compelled to keep him away and protect her, but I only had instinct to work from, and my instincts had not proved sharp lately.
“I guess I’ll go home then, and come back in the morning to check on her,” Jacob informed me.
“I wish you wouldn’t come without calling first. If she’s resting, then we should let her rest.”
“Right…good point…I’ll call her…ah, you, I guess? Can I get your number?”
“Of course,” I agreed, handing him a pad of paper and pen. “Write down your number so I can call you if I need to, and I’ll do the same.” I scribbled down my number and we exchanged slips of paper. “Jacob?”
“Yes?” His deep-set eyes were dark and questioning.
“Thank you for everything you did for her tonight. As horrible as it was to come home and find Bella like this, it would have been much worse if she hadn’t been here at all, or if I had to go looking for her. I can tell you care for her. If you ever need anything, I gladly offer my aide.”
“Thanks. I wasn’t trying to step on your toes earlier. It’s just that Bella never mentioned she had a boyfriend, and I didn’t want to leave her with someone she doesn’t trust.”
“And I appreciate that. I will make sure she’s taken care of. You have my word on that.”
He nodded and left, closing the door behind him. I was by Bella’s side before the door clicked shut. She was still sleeping. She looked pale and worn out - far from the peaceful angel I’d seen sleeping in Alice’s vision a couple of hours earlier. I knelt down beside the bed, taking her tiny hand in mine and holding it loosely while I waited for Carlisle to arrive. I knew he would make Bella a priority; that I wouldn’t have to wait long. Within ten minutes I heard his soft knock on the door. I flew to the door to let him in.
“Edward.” His gentle voice was saturated with concern and pity.
“This way, Carlisle.”
I led him upstairs to her room and brought him over to the bed where she lay.
“I’m assuming Alice caught you up on everything?” I inquired quietly, so I wouldn’t disturb Bella.
“Yes, she did. How are you?”
“Please just check Bella over. It doesn’t matter how I’m doing.”
“It matters to me,” he replied softly, settling on the edge of the bed and opening his bag for his stethoscope. I watched as he checked her pulse and respiration rate and listened to her heartbeat.
“She was tachycardiac before her syncopic episode,” I offered. “Pale and weak. A friend found her. He had to support most of her weight so I’m assuming she was weak. She never actually told me that she felt that way.”
“Did she say anything to you?” Carlisle wondered.
“No. She hasn’t spoken a word since I got here…not one word.”
“Anything else you can tell me about her condition?”
“I didn’t notice any dizziness, but she seemed very incognizant. Jacob told me she had at least two other syncopic episodes before I got here. He also mentioned that she seemed dazed, like she was on drugs, and was talking about her truck and asking for help. I saw the pictures in his mind. She was having flashbacks I think.” I swallowed hard to displace the anguish that knotted my throat closed so I could continue. “Flashbacks of Rosalie…of being chased. She kept looking behind her.”
“Edward, I’m so sorry, son.”
“Is there anything we can do for her? Tests or anything?” The last thing I wanted to do was talk about me.
“Well, I’m sure you’re aware that if she were admitted to the hospital, she’d have blood drawn so we could check her haemoglobin levels, just to rule out anaemia, and we’d run an electrocardiogram to watch the activity of her heart, but I also know that you understand that there is nothing wrong with her heart. We know what caused the fainting, and the shock.”
“So it’s just shock then? Nothing more serious?”
“Her vitals are stable and within the normal range. She seems to be resting comfortably. Her mind just needs time to recover.”
“How long will that take?” I knew the answer, but I wanted his expert opinion.
“We don’t know how badly she took the information. If the news wasn’t too extreme to her, since she’s been removed from the source of the stress, her symptoms could resolve in a couple of hours. If the information was processed in a more acute manner, her symptoms will diminish after a day or two, with the majority of symptoms gone by the end of three days.”
“Will she remember what happened?”
“It’s possible she might forget, but that would most likely be a temporary amnesia. The flashbacks may continue…bad dreams, anxiety, but that would only be if the condition transforms into an acute stress disorder. I don’t think you have to be concerned about that right now, Edward.”
“I have to be concerned about everything, Carlisle. This is my fault. I have to somehow explain this to her guardian. And if she’ll even talk to me, I have to find a way to make her understand that this was all a horrible case of bad timing. This afternoon… we were supposed to have this discussion this afternoon. I could have spared her all of this if I had just insisted we talk.”
“She loves you, Edward. She will find a way to understand.”
“You didn’t see the look in her eyes…you don’t know everything that’s she’s been through…”
“Perhaps,” he murmured. “But I know what she’s brought out in you, and you in her I suspect. I know love is the strongest bond that can exist between two people, capable of amazing and inexplicable feats.”
“Can we give her something to ensure a peaceful rest?” I suggested, changing the subject. I didn’t deserve to hope for anything from her. If anything good could come from this at all, the only thing I had a right to hope for was a full recovery for Bella.
“I can give her a sedative,” Carlisle agreed. “In fact, it’s a good idea. Good thinking, son.” He reached into his bag and pulled out a vile diazepam. “This will help her relax and sleep, and I can come back and check her when she wakes if you like.”
She flinched a small amount when the needle went into her arm, but her eyes never opened. Carlisle was wondering why her blood didn’t even tempt me.
“I don’t even think about it anymore. I’ve grown used to the way her scent stimulates me. I can’t even imagine hurting her that way.”
“It’s rather amazing really. You’re to be commended, Edward.”
“Hardly,” I muttered. “I’ll walk you out.”
Carlisle followed me to the door. He was worried about me. I took a small amount of comfort from the fact that he wasn’t worried about Bella. He was a good man and an excellent doctor. If he were at all concerned about her health, he would have had her checked into the hospital.
“Will you stay with her tonight?” he wondered.
“If I can get a hold of her guardian, no, but I don’t want her to be alone. It’s my fault she’s in this mess. I should at least have the decency to care for her.”
“Edward, you have to stop blaming yourself. Even in you had told her, there are no guarantees that she wouldn’t have had an extreme reaction to your words. She’s a fragile young woman. You can’t predict how she would have reacted, so stop acting as if you can. She may wake up tomorrow morning like nothing has changed.”
“Or she may never want to see me ever again.”
“Things are rarely so black and white. Go and take care of her. I’m a phone call away if you need me.” He patted my shoulder and left.
I checked on Bella quickly, and then stepped into the hallway to try Charlie’s cell phone number again. He still didn’t answer so I left a message this time.
“Charlie, this is Edward Cullen. I’m here at the house with Bella. She was out hiking earlier and lost her way. A friend of hers named Jacob found her and brought her home, but unfortunately, she experienced something traumatic while in the forest and has had an acute stress reaction…shock. I hesitate to use the word. She’s quite fine, I assure you. My father, Dr. Cullen, checked her over himself. I don’t want to worry you and I’m more than happy to watch over her until you can get home. I’m sure she’d love to see you. Please call me back when you get this message.” I left my cell phone number and then ended the call. I truly would have rather spoken with him myself, but I had no idea if he even left his cell phone on or how often he even checked his messages.
I went back to Bella’s bedside. My mind ran a gamut of things I could do to ensure a good night’s rest for her. She seemed deeply asleep and I thought perhaps I could make her more comfortable by changing her into some pajamas. I took off her shoe and sock, a simple task, and then tackled the thick sweater she wore, which was much more complicated to get off of her. I took it one step at a time, persuading each arm from its sleeve and then eased the sweater up over her head. I cradled her head in my hand and pulled the sweater from underneath her. Once I had it off, I froze.
She was wearing my shirt, the one I had left for her. I blinked, trying to make sure I was seeing things correctly, and let it sink in. She was wearing my shirt. The rush of emotions borne of the realization was so strong it was staggering. Mingled with those emotions were my memories of our night together. It seemed like a lifetime ago. Could it have only been last night?
I knew she’d probably be more comfortable in something else, but I didn’t take it off of her. I selfishly wanted her in it, a tiny link to me that I had no right to take, but did. I eased her out of her jeans gently, and then lifted her body to mine so I could put her under the covers. Once she was in my arms, I couldn’t set her back down. Her warmth against me palliated my fears, and I hoped it somehow made her feel safe too. I sat on the edge of the bed, holding her in my arms, and stared at her sleeping face. There were so many things I wanted to say to her.
“I’m sorry, Bella,” I murmured regretfully. “I don’t even know if you can hear me, or if you want to hear me, but that doesn’t change the fact that I’m sorry. I wanted to tell you, but I was afraid I’d lose you…and now that seems so unjustly selfish of me. I would have told you today…but that’s no excuse for what you’ve been put through. I should have told you long before now. I was trying to protect you, even if what you truly needed protection from was me.” She didn’t move or acknowledge me and I squelched my urge to wake her. It wasn’t fair to her. Just because I desired a response gave me no right to seek one. “Please be okay,” I begged. “You mean everything to me, but I’ll handle this however you want me to. If you want me to leave you alone, I will try. I just need you to be okay.”
She was motionless in my arms, breathing in and out as her heart beat rhythmically. Her heartbeat had become the soundtrack of my life, one of the single most defining sounds of my existence. I didn’t know how to define my day without its cadence. I had not spent a lot of time considering what I would do if Bella decided against continuing our relationship. My faith in our love had grown stronger on its own, and I suppose, if I was being completely honest with myself, I had begun to depend on my faith as the only possibility. I had always told myself that I would leave her alone if she requested it, but now that the possibility was before me I wasn’t sure I could. Before Bella, rather than take part in life, it just sort of happened around me while I went about my duties - feeding regularly, playing my part, protecting my family. Since Bella, my world had become an endless array of colour and light. Her laughter was like the stars that lit my sky, her smile like my sun. The notion of living without her was almost unfathomable.
I had been selfish long enough, and laid Bella down, tucking the covers in around her. She shifted on to her side with her back towards me, and I wondered if she was inviting me to her, like we’d slept last night. It was a silly wish, but the idea consumed my thoughts. I gave into my helplessness and let myself believe that Bella wanted me to hold her. I snuggled myself against her, pushing myself into the curves of her body. I didn’t allow myself the luxury of touching her; waking her up tonight would be irresponsible, but I wove my arm under hers and around her waist. The way her hand laid limply curved around my wrist helped me believe in the illusion that she wanted me there.
I tucked my nose into her hair and just breathed her in, letting each breath she took comfort me, and kept time with her heartbeat. If there were a God, then with each breath she would be closer to normal. I’d been stupid and foolish to keep the truth from Bella, but even now I was hoping she’d forgive me, even after she’d found out the truth in such a disturbing and graphic way.
I treasured the moments of quiet in a different way. When Bella woke up, I knew everything would be different. Whether she forgave me or was angry with me or even still wanted to be with me, things between us would never be quite the same again. Our innocence was lost. Perhaps if I had been able to say the words to her instead of having her see my kind at our lowest immoral cipher, then I might have been able to protect it. Just the word vampire evoked horror and fear. My only saving grace was that she knew me, that I could be trusted and valued and even loved. She had done all of those things while I was a vampire, so perhaps she would not equate me with the revulsion and fright the word normally held. Still, I couldn’t imagine it would be an easy thing for a human to accept. She would be justified if she were angry with me and rid her life of me. Had someone told me some months ago that a vampire and a human could find perfect happiness together, I would have sat on my high horse and laughed them out of the room. I didn’t know that a human existed who could change my world the way Bella had. It would be soon enough that I would find out if she was that one human who would not be put off by loving a monster.
Charlie phoned early, around 7:00 AM. He was only thirty minutes away. He’d left his fishing trip earlier when he got my message but didn’t bother to call because of the late hour. I re-explained Bella’s condition and assured him that Bella was still sleeping restfully. He didn’t ask about the cause of the shock, which I was thankful for; he only seemed to care that she was safe. He and I had a lot more in common than I’d ever realized before. I made my way downstairs with a blanket and pillow and tried to make the couch look slept on.
I spent the short while waiting for Charlie’s arrival watching Bella from the doorway of her bedroom, thinking about the journey we had taken together, so many firsts, so much evolution, but above all, a love that changed both of us. I was both anxious and nervous for Bella to awaken. I didn’t know if this was the end of our journey together or not, but it didn’t feel like it was.
I was waiting in the living room when Charlie walked in. He was unsurprised to see me. I rose to my feet and went to greet him. I don’t know why; it just seemed like the right thing to do.
“How’s Bella?” It was the only thought in his frantic and worried mind.
“She’s still sleeping. My father gave her a sedative last night to ensure a good night’s rest.”
“Is it normal that she’s still sleeping?” he wondered.
“I think under the circumstances, yes it is normal. Is Bella normally an early riser?”
“No…it’s just…” His thoughts were complicated by Bella’s grief. He was worried she might be adversely affected because of the difficulty she had after losing her mother.
“Charlie, the shock is a temporary condition. I don’t think you need to anticipate any longer term effects from the episode.”
“Has she awoken at all?”
“Not since last night. Her body is trying to heal itself though, so it’s not unusual that she might spend more time resting than she normally would.”
“You seem to know an awful lot about it?” He was wondering why I was so versed in subject of shock.
“I Googled it last night after my father left, just to make sure I understood it fully.” He seemed satisfied with my answer, and a lie was easier than the truth.
“You probably need to get going home, eh? Your folks are probably worried?”
“My father gave me his consent to stay after I explained that you were out of town. I was planning to shower and change at home and then come back, if that’s permissible?”
“Sure. I’m sure Bella will want to see you when she wakes up.”
“Can I bring you anything when I come back?” I wondered, trying to remember my manners. “Do you like coffee?”
“You don’t have to go to the trouble, Edward.”
“It’s no trouble, sir. I’ll bring some for you, and some tea for Bella.”
“Thanks, son.”
I nodded and left, anxious to help in any way I could. I took the Volvo home, and slipped in and out of the house quickly, grabbing a shower and a change of clothing and avoiding everyone. I wasn’t positive that my family wasn’t keeping their distance on purpose, but that suited my purpose just fine. I was in no mood to make idle chitchat or discuss Bella’s prognosis.
I took off on foot, heading toward the clearing to begin my search for answers. The first thing I found was Bella’s truck, parked in its usual position on the side of the road. At least one thing was as it should be. I checked the truck for the keys but they were not in it.
The clearing held no answers for me at all. I still couldn’t imagine what had attracted Bella further into the forest, but I tracked her scent through the trees, following the path she took when she came across Rosalie. I could still see the remnants of her struggle - leaves pushed side in frantic piles, her flashlight lying further off the path - I could even smell her blood, now dried, on the debris that covered the forest floor.
I continued on her path, fetching her flashlight as I moved. My eyes searched as I went, looking for signs of Bella, for any clue that might give me a better idea of what she’d been through. I found broken branches that she forced out of her way, and others that wouldn’t move for her and kept a piece of her for themselves - hair and some blood and even a chunk of flesh. As I travelled, I found her lip balm and then her keys. Finally, I found the indentation that fit her diminutive body in the spot I’d seen in Jacob’s thoughts. She’d travelled nearly four miles from the spot where she started, in an effort to get away from Rosalie. For a girl with only human vision and no flashlight to lead her through the blackness of a midnight forest, that was an incredible distance, and that didn’t even take into account her broken leg. My poor Bella, battered and broken by what she saw, battered and broken by her getaway. I could only hope that her mind would repress the appallingly abominable memories of last night. She never deserved to see such horror.
I ran back to her truck and began the drive back to town. On my way through, I stopped at the diner for coffee and tea and a couple of muffins. They looked revolting to me, but the clerk recommended them because they were fresh out of the oven. I took her word for it. I pulled up in front of Bella’s house five minutes later.
I knocked quietly on the door. I didn’t know if she would be up and I certainly didn’t want to wake her. I could hear Charlie making his way to the door. His mind was in turmoil, and I didn’t take it as a good sign.
“Hi, Edward,” he greeted me, keeping a hand on the old wooden door, blocking the entrance way with his body.
“I brought you some coffee and muffins, and a tea for Bella.” I smiled cheerfully; my mask was fixed. “Did Bella wake up?”
“Yeah, she did,” he admitted. I couldn’t get a clear read on his thoughts. He was trying to decide if he should give me his opinion or hers. “Listen, Edward, I’m grateful that you were here to take care of her last night, and I know you care for her, but she’s asked me to keep you out of here.”
“Did she say why?” I asked. I didn’t really want to hear his answer, but I did want to read his thoughts. He thought Bella was overreacting and didn’t understand what had gone wrong, but he was trying to respect her wishes.
“She said she wanted to be alone.” His thoughts told the real truth. She said she didn’t want to see me. I could see her face in his mind - teary eyes, her expression upset. She’d given him no details.
“How was she?” I asked, knowing in my heart she was not okay, and that it was my fault that she wasn’t.
“She’s not herself. She was…upset. She didn’t say very much to me, and I didn’t want to push her. She’ll tell me when she’s ready. I’m sure she’s just overreacting, probably just a side effect of the shock. In fact, the more I think about it, she’s probably just over tired from everything she went through and not thinking straight.” Charlie didn’t want me to feel bad. He truly felt she would get over whatever was bothering her. He had no idea how deep it ran for her, not like I did.
“You’re probably right. I’ll give her the morning to herself and check back later this afternoon, if that’s okay with you, Charlie?” I could hear Alice’s mind. She was already on her way to me, coming to pick me up, having seen what would happen. I offered him the food in my hands and waited for him to take it from me.
“Knock yourself out, kid!” He liked that I was fighting for Bella; not a response I expected from him. Perhaps he saw the two of us as allies now.
“May I make a small request of you?” I wondered. “Jacob, the boy that found Bella, was hoping to stop by and check on her. I don’t know if Bella would like to see him or not, but he left his cell phone number with me, assuming I would be the one taking care of her. Perhaps you wouldn’t mind asking Bella and giving him a call? We both owe him our gratitude since he was the one who found her and got her home safely.”
“Of course,” Charlie agreed, taking the slip of paper from my hand. I’d had enough trouble handling their closeness. I didn’t want to have to call Jacob and explain that I didn’t know if she would see him. Moreover, I didn’t want to confess that she wouldn’t see me. It was like admitting he’d won the duel for her hand. Perhaps he had?
I nodded and turned my back to walk away. Charlie followed me on to the porch. He spoke in a hushed, sympathetic voice.
“Listen, Edward, she’s been through a lot, what with her mom…”
“I know she has.”
“Just give her some time to calm down. She needs some time to take stock of things and get everything lined up in a way that’s comfortable for her. I’m sure she’ll come around.” I could see that Charlie understood the way her mind worked, and in any other situation I would have agreed with him.
“I hope she does.”
“And if she doesn’t, I’ll go to bat for you. You’ve been good for her, whether she realizes it or not.”
“Thanks, Charlie.”
“Hang in there, kid.”
I nodded and walked away from him. I chose to start the walk home instead of waiting idly by the curb for Alice. I couldn’t stand there and have Charlie staring at me. I couldn’t stand there and pretend I was okay. I couldn’t stand there, so near to Bella, and fight the urge to go to her. Alice caught up with me a block away. I got in the car without a word. Alice didn’t speak to me either. I’m sure she suspected how I must be feeling, or had seen it. Either way, we drove home in silence. I went straight to my room and locked myself in.
I’d been so sure our love was enough, so sure she would be able to look past the one flaw in me that I could not change. It was nothing more than wishful thinking. No one could love a monster. I’d always known it. I’d just stopped believing it for a while.
I stripped off my clothes and put the ones I’d changed out of earlier back on. They smelled like her. It was all I had of her - her scent on my clothes.
I could feel my body shutting down - the numbness trickling into my fingertips, the slow burn on the back of my neck creeping up my spine and taking over. The colour was draining from my surroundings; no pink the colour of her lips, no brown like her beautiful eyes, just an endless palette of greys; the darkest shadows threatening from the corners. I didn’t want to think or feel or even be aware. I curled up on the couch and closed my eyes and waited for complete numbness to take me.
She was out of my reach.
There was no reason to go on.
A/N: Please review.
Chapter 38: Disaster (Previous Chapters: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19.1, 19.2, 20, 21, 22.1, 22.2, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33.1, 33.2, 34, 35, 36, 37, 38)
Author:JCAddict/picklewinkle/Sher
Fandom: Twilight
Word Count:8,546
Rating: R/M, for sex and language
Story Summary: Bella is devastated by the loss of her mother and is forced to go live with Charlie, her Mom's best friend when there is no one else to take her in. She gives up on living, too lost in her own anger to let anyone close to her. Enter Edward, the handsome teenage vampire, and the beginning of a complicated love-hate relationship. Neither can deny the connection between them, but can their love survive the fear that rules her and the secret he hides from her? AU, OOC, Rated Mature for language and lemons. Also available at Twilighted.net
Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight and all of its characters. I'm just manipulating them like imaginary playdoh so I feel like I have some power over them **snorts**
38. Disaster
A/N: Blah, blah, blah…Stephenie Meyer…owner…me…nothing.
Thank you to everyone who has been reviewing. I am grateful. I decided to post the update and answer reviews tomorrow. If anyone has anything pressing, please feel free to PM me.
I’m a big music buff and am always listening to something. I made a playlist for the story, but I’ve been told you can only hear 30 seconds of each song. My intention is to upload the songs, and will get to that soon. If anyone is interested they can find a link in my profile.
From Edward’s POV…
I drove straight to Bella’s house; feeling anxious to slip into bed next to her and hold her while she slept, anticipating the electricity and joy of her presence. I reviewed the image of her sleeping in my mind, peaceful and angelic, and smiled to myself. I was content and excited as I drove the last few miles and made the last turn on to her street.
I was not prepared in the slightest way for the scene I happened upon.
I pulled into the driveway to find a strange boy with his arms around Bella. Her truck was nowhere in sight, and I did not recognize the black Volkswagen Rabbit parked in front of the house as a car I’d seen before. I rushed from the Volvo.
“Bella,” I called, alarmed. “What’s wrong?” I hurried up the walkway towards her and the stranger that held her in his arms. “Who are you, and what are you doing to her?”
“Screw you, buddy,” he spat. His mind was pure, despite his expression of disrespect, and he was considerably worried about Bella’s condition. I had insulted him with my reproach, but he stood ready to defend Bella if I turned out to be a threat to her. I ignored him and concentrated on Bella.
“Bella, sweetheart, what’s wrong?” I bent towards her, reaching out for her, and she flinched away from me. Her eyes closed and she turned her face away from me.
“What have you done to her?” I demanded, searching his mind for details. His mind was very defensive, almost possessive, and I could tell he held Bella in some degree of regard.
“I found her like this, not that it’s any of your business.” I didn’t like his answer or his tone, and in the panic I was feeling I was not particularly ready to play twenty questions with the cretin. He was remembering the look on Bella’s face when he found her, pale and terrified. His thoughts were thick with concern for her.
“Found her…like this?” I accused, aghast. “Where?”
“I was walking home, taking a shortcut, and came across her in the middle of the forest, exactly like this. I don’t know what’s wrong with her.” The picture in his mind was not a place I knew Bella to frequent. I had no explanation as to why she might have been there.
“What was she doing in the forest?” I wondered rhetorically, moving my eyes back to Bella. “Bella, what’s going on? Please talk to me.”
Again I moved my hands towards her, wanting to remove her from the boy’s grasp and bring her into the safety of my arms. She turned her body further away from me.
“I don’t think she wants to talk you, umm…what’s your name?”
“Edward. My name is Edward. Bella is my girlfriend. Please give her to me and let me try to get her some help.”
He was disappointed by my declaration, but accepted that I was telling the truth. He stepped aside a small amount to allow me some room to pull Bella to me. He was supporting her weight more than I realized. As soon as I stepped towards her, she flinched back from me. The boy’s arms surrounded her protectively in an instant. My jealousy flared. I didn’t like seeing his arms around Bella, doing my job.
“I’m Jacob,” he offered, “and again, I don’t think she wants to talk to you.”
His thoughts were almost smug. It was ridiculous that he took pleasure from Bella’s fear. If he knew her at all he should know how out of character this sort of dependence was for her, how ambiguous and unfocused and contrary to her regular demeanour her current behaviour was.
“This is insane,” I hollered angrily. “Give her to me!”
“Red,” Jacob whispered, “there is a guy here named Edward who says he’s your boyfriend. Do you want to go with him?”
“Her name is Bella,” I hissed, uncomfortable with their closeness and his apparent nickname for her.
“You call her Bella. I call her Red,” he replied indignantly.
“If you knew her at all then you’d know she prefers to be called Bella,” I corrected, losing my patience with him.
“Really?” he questioned in a patronizing tone. “Because she was just fine with me calling her Red.” He bent towards the side of her face and spoke softly to her. I had to use all my self-control not to forcibly remove his lips from the vicinity of Bella’s ear. “Edward wants to take you inside. Do you want to go with him?”
When he asked her the question, I could see the way her fingers dug into the flesh of his arms, desperate and dire. She was holding on to him like her life depended on it. I watched as the boy flipped through his memories of finding Bella. She was alone when he found her, lying in the middle of a forested area. Her body was curled into the fetal position and she was shaking. She didn’t even open her eyes when he spoke to her but willingly went with him. At least he had taken care with her, helping to support her while she walked without her crutches and giving his jacket to her for warmth. What on Earth was she doing out in the forest at almost midnight? Even more, why was she clinging so desperately to this boy that I’d never heard mention of?
“She’s not answering, and I’m not comfortable leaving her with you if she doesn’t give me permission.” I could appreciate his sentiment, given his concern for Bella, but I’d had enough of his foolish interference.
“She’s my girlfriend. I don’t need your permission!”
His body curled around hers instinctively, protecting her from the perceived threat he felt was coming from me. My body tensed and I took a step towards him. I was having a great deal of difficulty controlling myself. I refocused my instincts on Bella, trying to ignore my irritation and panic.
“If you won’t give her to me, then at least take her inside. She shouldn’t be out here in the cold in her condition.”
“Do you know how to get into her house? I didn’t find any keys on her.”
“Yes.” I led him to the front door, taking the key from under the eaves to open the lock and holding the door open so he could persuade Bella inside.
“What about her mother and father? Do you know how to get a hold of them?” he wondered.
“Charlie is not her father, but yes, I know how to get a hold of him.”
I felt a small amount of recompense in the boy’s lack of knowledge. How well could he know Bella if he thought Charlie was her father, let alone not know that Bella’s mother had died?
“Red, Edward is going to call your Dad. What else do you need me to do?” He waited a moment to see if Bella would answer. She barely seemed to register his words. He turned towards me when she didn’t respond. “Should we get her upstairs?”
“I will take her,” I announced commandingly.
I stepped towards Bella. She seemed incognizant of her surroundings. I gently slipped my hands around her waist to support her weight and shot a dismissive glare at Jacob. Bella seemed to discern the change when Jacob stepped away from her, and her eyes finally came to mine. She looked afraid and confused and I’d never felt more lost and helpless. I had no idea what had happened or how to help her. Her entire body was trembling. I bent to scoop her legs and pulled her into my arms, never taking my eyes off of hers. I could hear her heartbeat racing in an unfamiliar way and her chest was barely displaced by her shallow, uneven breaths. She struggled to stay focused on my face and for the briefest of moments, I could see joy in her eyes, but it was quickly replaced by something else, something black and hollow. I watched in worry as her eyelids fluttered unevenly and her eyes rolled behind them while her head dropped back. Her whole body went limp in my arms.
I quickly carried her upstairs and laid her on her bed.
“Bella, I’m here, just like I promised,” I whispered soothingly, sitting down on the edge of the bed to be close to her. “Please open your eyes…please tell me how to help you.” I picked up her hand and held it, running my other hand along her face. For once my cold skin would serve a helpful purpose. She didn’t respond to my touch in any way. I was glad she wasn’t flinching away from me any longer, but I wanted so badly for her to open her eyes and explain to me what was going on.
Jacob appeared in the doorway.
“I can sit with her while you call her dad if you want?” he offered politely. “Has she passed out again?”
“Yes,” I told him quietly. “Did she faint while you were bringing her home?”
“A couple of times at least. I couldn’t quite tell to be honest. She was pretty out of it. Does she do drugs?” he wondered.
“No,” I defended in a flat voice. “Never. Something has happened to her. I’m fairly sure this is some kind of shock. It’s very unlike her normal behaviour. Are you sure you saw nothing, not even in the area surrounding the woods where you found her?”
“Nothing, man. I mean…I didn’t really look that hard. I was stunned to find her there, and when she started acting so strangely, I just figured she was high.”
“She’s not. What did she do that seemed strange?”
“She kept looking behind her and cowering. She talked about her truck, but I didn’t find any keys on her or see her truck anywhere around where I found her. She asked me to help her, but wouldn’t say with what.” I saw the corresponding images in his mind. Her reactions didn’t match her surroundings. She would flinch and cower at strange times, her face growing pale and more horrified. Her eyes seemed to be closed much more often than they should have been.
I heard my cell phone ring, and my eyes darted to it.
“Would that be her dad?” Jacob wondered.
“No, I haven’t called him yet. That’s my cell. It’s probably my sister. Can you sit with Bella?”
Jacob agreed. I kissed Bella’s forehead softly, getting up and grabbing my cell phone from her dresser on my way out of her room. Poor Alice was probably beside herself with worry, but perhaps she had seen something of what happened to Bella and could give me some sort of guidance.
“Alice, do you know what happened to her?”
“I’m on my way to you now, Edward.”
“What happened to her?” I demanded. Alice was too far out of range for me to pick up her thoughts.
“I’m ten, fifteen minutes away, tops. Go downstairs. I don’t want to speak in front of whoever that is there with you.”
“Alice, is she going to be okay?”
“Physically she will be fine, but the rest of the picture hasn’t solidified.”
“Can’t you give me some kind of hint to the cause?”
“She’s in shock, Edward. Go wait for me outside.”
“Fine.” I snapped the phone shut in irritation and went outside. I could hear the sound of Carlisle’s Mercedes off in the distance, closing fast. Alice had either lied about how far away they were, or Jasper was driving so fast he was breaking the sound barrier. I could feel my panic growing exponentially. Alice was keeping me out, and it was never good news when she kept me out of her thoughts. The car barely stopped when I mandated an explanation.
“What happened?” I demanded through gritted teeth.
“Bella woke up. I tried to call you to warn you, but you didn’t answer.”
“I couldn’t answer. Bella had my cell phone. You knew that.”
“Bella didn’t answer either.”
“She must have left the cell phone behind. Why did she leave?”
“She missed you. She couldn’t get back to sleep so she decided to go to the meadow.”
“She was no where near the meadow when Jacob found her. What happened? How did she wander so far from where she started?”
“The thing you need to focus on is that she’s fine. She wasn’t harmed.”
“She’s not fine, Alice. Something happened out there. Tell me what you know!”
“You’re going to be angry,” she warned.
“I don’t care. Tell me!”
“Edward, she knows,” Alice whispered. She cleared her mind and began to show me the vision. Bella had gone to the clearing. She sat for a while looking up at the stars and then got up to leave. Suddenly, her direction changed course and she wandered further into the thick of the forest, as if she was searching for something. Then I saw the horrifying image that had frightened Bella. She’d stumbled across Rosalie mid-feeding, draining the blood from a deer. I could only imagine the horror that went through Bella’s mind. I saw Rosalie’s head turn toward Bella, and watched in disgrace and revulsion as Rosalie feinted and considered attacking. I wondered if Bella had any idea how much danger she was actually in, but she seemed to. She called to Rosalie and when Rosalie growled, Bella fled, tripping and tumbling on to the forest floor. She was terror-stricken - sickly pale and visually shaken - and she struggled desperately to move, crawling and clawing and finally getting herself back up on her feet. She never looked back, just continued to compel herself forward trying to get away.
I fell to my knees and covered my head with my arms, utterly and completely defeated. I’d done everything right - I had allowed Bella to set the pace between us, and respected her wishes to protect her fragile heart, and still it was not enough. We were doomed, fated to fail from the very first moment she entered my life. All the countless hours spent trying to keep her safe and protect her from hurt, and in the end I couldn’t even protect her from my own family. I couldn’t protect her from anything - not from hurt, or from my nature, or from the truth.
“Edward, it’s going to be okay,” Alice whispered, putting her hands on my shoulders. I shook them off and got to me feet. I didn’t want her reassurance; what I needed had become inconsequential. I had to think of Bella. I couldn’t protect her, so now I had to do everything possible to make sure that she would be okay, if she would even let me.
“Go home,” I instructed. “Get Carlisle, and have him come here to check on Bella. Tell Esme and the others what’s happened if Rosalie hasn’t informed them. I need to focus on Bella right now. Nothing else matters.”
“I’ll stay. Jasper can go get Carlisle and tell the rest the story.”
“No. Jacob is still here and I need to get him out too. Bella doesn’t need more company. She needs to be left alone until she’s feeling better.”
“This isn’t your fault, Edward. There’s nothing you could have done to prevent it.”
“Yes, there was. I could have told her the truth.”
“You were thinking only of her mental well-being. There’s no way you could have predicted this.”
“Does it really matter, Alice? It’s happened, and there’s nothing I can do to change it. She found out in the worst way possible, and if she hasn’t figured it out, it’s only a matter of time before she does. Her mind will go into overdrive trying to make sense of every little thing she’s ever noticed over the course of our relationship until she figures out that I am nothing better than the reprehensible monster that she saw in the forest.”
“She loves you, Edward.”
“Loved, Alice. She’s already begun the transition. She couldn’t look at me and didn’t want me to touch her, flinching away from me every time I tried. The only thing that matters now is that I do everything I can to make sure she’ll be okay.”
“You’re not giving Bella any credit. At least hear her side of things before you resign yourself to the demise of everything.”
“The only thing I can focus on right now is her care. Please go and do what I’ve asked. I have my cell phone if you need me.”
“Edward,” Alice protested.
I raised my voice. “This is not up for debate, Alice. I’m doing things my way this time. This is my responsibility to shoulder. Now please go and do what I asked.” I turned my back on her and walked away, leaving her to follow my directions, knowing she’d do the right thing. I needed to check on Bella and see if she’d come to.
I dialed Charlie’s cell phone number as I made my way inside, but got no answer. I didn’t leave a message.
“Who was that?” Jacob wondered, staring after Alice, Jasper and Balen.
“My sister and brother, and a friend. They came to check on Bella but I sent them away. She needs her rest.”
“Oh, okay,” he mumbled, hesitating like there was something more he wanted to say. His mind was considering whether or not I included him amongst the people that should be allowed to stay with Bella.
“I’m going to call Charlie, and my father, who is a physician, is going to come and check on her. I’m sure you have to get going home. It’s quite late.”
“I don’t have to…well, I really wanted to stay until we know that Bella’s okay.”
“I don’t think we’ll know tonight, to be honest. I’m relatively sure she’s in shock and expect that she’ll spend most of the night sleeping, but I’ll be happy to call you and update you on her progress. After all, I owe you a great deal for finding her and bringing her home safely.”
Jacob’s eyes grew wide. He didn’t expect to hear my expression of gratitude. “It was nothing,” he offered. “I just wish I could help her.”
“I do too,” I murmured sincerely, wishing only for Bella’s happiness. I wondered if this boy made her happy, for I would gladly step aside to assure her contentedness. Since Bella had never mentioned him to me, I had no idea if he affected her joy, and felt compelled to keep him away and protect her, but I only had instinct to work from, and my instincts had not proved sharp lately.
“I guess I’ll go home then, and come back in the morning to check on her,” Jacob informed me.
“I wish you wouldn’t come without calling first. If she’s resting, then we should let her rest.”
“Right…good point…I’ll call her…ah, you, I guess? Can I get your number?”
“Of course,” I agreed, handing him a pad of paper and pen. “Write down your number so I can call you if I need to, and I’ll do the same.” I scribbled down my number and we exchanged slips of paper. “Jacob?”
“Yes?” His deep-set eyes were dark and questioning.
“Thank you for everything you did for her tonight. As horrible as it was to come home and find Bella like this, it would have been much worse if she hadn’t been here at all, or if I had to go looking for her. I can tell you care for her. If you ever need anything, I gladly offer my aide.”
“Thanks. I wasn’t trying to step on your toes earlier. It’s just that Bella never mentioned she had a boyfriend, and I didn’t want to leave her with someone she doesn’t trust.”
“And I appreciate that. I will make sure she’s taken care of. You have my word on that.”
He nodded and left, closing the door behind him. I was by Bella’s side before the door clicked shut. She was still sleeping. She looked pale and worn out - far from the peaceful angel I’d seen sleeping in Alice’s vision a couple of hours earlier. I knelt down beside the bed, taking her tiny hand in mine and holding it loosely while I waited for Carlisle to arrive. I knew he would make Bella a priority; that I wouldn’t have to wait long. Within ten minutes I heard his soft knock on the door. I flew to the door to let him in.
“Edward.” His gentle voice was saturated with concern and pity.
“This way, Carlisle.”
I led him upstairs to her room and brought him over to the bed where she lay.
“I’m assuming Alice caught you up on everything?” I inquired quietly, so I wouldn’t disturb Bella.
“Yes, she did. How are you?”
“Please just check Bella over. It doesn’t matter how I’m doing.”
“It matters to me,” he replied softly, settling on the edge of the bed and opening his bag for his stethoscope. I watched as he checked her pulse and respiration rate and listened to her heartbeat.
“She was tachycardiac before her syncopic episode,” I offered. “Pale and weak. A friend found her. He had to support most of her weight so I’m assuming she was weak. She never actually told me that she felt that way.”
“Did she say anything to you?” Carlisle wondered.
“No. She hasn’t spoken a word since I got here…not one word.”
“Anything else you can tell me about her condition?”
“I didn’t notice any dizziness, but she seemed very incognizant. Jacob told me she had at least two other syncopic episodes before I got here. He also mentioned that she seemed dazed, like she was on drugs, and was talking about her truck and asking for help. I saw the pictures in his mind. She was having flashbacks I think.” I swallowed hard to displace the anguish that knotted my throat closed so I could continue. “Flashbacks of Rosalie…of being chased. She kept looking behind her.”
“Edward, I’m so sorry, son.”
“Is there anything we can do for her? Tests or anything?” The last thing I wanted to do was talk about me.
“Well, I’m sure you’re aware that if she were admitted to the hospital, she’d have blood drawn so we could check her haemoglobin levels, just to rule out anaemia, and we’d run an electrocardiogram to watch the activity of her heart, but I also know that you understand that there is nothing wrong with her heart. We know what caused the fainting, and the shock.”
“So it’s just shock then? Nothing more serious?”
“Her vitals are stable and within the normal range. She seems to be resting comfortably. Her mind just needs time to recover.”
“How long will that take?” I knew the answer, but I wanted his expert opinion.
“We don’t know how badly she took the information. If the news wasn’t too extreme to her, since she’s been removed from the source of the stress, her symptoms could resolve in a couple of hours. If the information was processed in a more acute manner, her symptoms will diminish after a day or two, with the majority of symptoms gone by the end of three days.”
“Will she remember what happened?”
“It’s possible she might forget, but that would most likely be a temporary amnesia. The flashbacks may continue…bad dreams, anxiety, but that would only be if the condition transforms into an acute stress disorder. I don’t think you have to be concerned about that right now, Edward.”
“I have to be concerned about everything, Carlisle. This is my fault. I have to somehow explain this to her guardian. And if she’ll even talk to me, I have to find a way to make her understand that this was all a horrible case of bad timing. This afternoon… we were supposed to have this discussion this afternoon. I could have spared her all of this if I had just insisted we talk.”
“She loves you, Edward. She will find a way to understand.”
“You didn’t see the look in her eyes…you don’t know everything that’s she’s been through…”
“Perhaps,” he murmured. “But I know what she’s brought out in you, and you in her I suspect. I know love is the strongest bond that can exist between two people, capable of amazing and inexplicable feats.”
“Can we give her something to ensure a peaceful rest?” I suggested, changing the subject. I didn’t deserve to hope for anything from her. If anything good could come from this at all, the only thing I had a right to hope for was a full recovery for Bella.
“I can give her a sedative,” Carlisle agreed. “In fact, it’s a good idea. Good thinking, son.” He reached into his bag and pulled out a vile diazepam. “This will help her relax and sleep, and I can come back and check her when she wakes if you like.”
She flinched a small amount when the needle went into her arm, but her eyes never opened. Carlisle was wondering why her blood didn’t even tempt me.
“I don’t even think about it anymore. I’ve grown used to the way her scent stimulates me. I can’t even imagine hurting her that way.”
“It’s rather amazing really. You’re to be commended, Edward.”
“Hardly,” I muttered. “I’ll walk you out.”
Carlisle followed me to the door. He was worried about me. I took a small amount of comfort from the fact that he wasn’t worried about Bella. He was a good man and an excellent doctor. If he were at all concerned about her health, he would have had her checked into the hospital.
“Will you stay with her tonight?” he wondered.
“If I can get a hold of her guardian, no, but I don’t want her to be alone. It’s my fault she’s in this mess. I should at least have the decency to care for her.”
“Edward, you have to stop blaming yourself. Even in you had told her, there are no guarantees that she wouldn’t have had an extreme reaction to your words. She’s a fragile young woman. You can’t predict how she would have reacted, so stop acting as if you can. She may wake up tomorrow morning like nothing has changed.”
“Or she may never want to see me ever again.”
“Things are rarely so black and white. Go and take care of her. I’m a phone call away if you need me.” He patted my shoulder and left.
I checked on Bella quickly, and then stepped into the hallway to try Charlie’s cell phone number again. He still didn’t answer so I left a message this time.
“Charlie, this is Edward Cullen. I’m here at the house with Bella. She was out hiking earlier and lost her way. A friend of hers named Jacob found her and brought her home, but unfortunately, she experienced something traumatic while in the forest and has had an acute stress reaction…shock. I hesitate to use the word. She’s quite fine, I assure you. My father, Dr. Cullen, checked her over himself. I don’t want to worry you and I’m more than happy to watch over her until you can get home. I’m sure she’d love to see you. Please call me back when you get this message.” I left my cell phone number and then ended the call. I truly would have rather spoken with him myself, but I had no idea if he even left his cell phone on or how often he even checked his messages.
I went back to Bella’s bedside. My mind ran a gamut of things I could do to ensure a good night’s rest for her. She seemed deeply asleep and I thought perhaps I could make her more comfortable by changing her into some pajamas. I took off her shoe and sock, a simple task, and then tackled the thick sweater she wore, which was much more complicated to get off of her. I took it one step at a time, persuading each arm from its sleeve and then eased the sweater up over her head. I cradled her head in my hand and pulled the sweater from underneath her. Once I had it off, I froze.
She was wearing my shirt, the one I had left for her. I blinked, trying to make sure I was seeing things correctly, and let it sink in. She was wearing my shirt. The rush of emotions borne of the realization was so strong it was staggering. Mingled with those emotions were my memories of our night together. It seemed like a lifetime ago. Could it have only been last night?
I knew she’d probably be more comfortable in something else, but I didn’t take it off of her. I selfishly wanted her in it, a tiny link to me that I had no right to take, but did. I eased her out of her jeans gently, and then lifted her body to mine so I could put her under the covers. Once she was in my arms, I couldn’t set her back down. Her warmth against me palliated my fears, and I hoped it somehow made her feel safe too. I sat on the edge of the bed, holding her in my arms, and stared at her sleeping face. There were so many things I wanted to say to her.
“I’m sorry, Bella,” I murmured regretfully. “I don’t even know if you can hear me, or if you want to hear me, but that doesn’t change the fact that I’m sorry. I wanted to tell you, but I was afraid I’d lose you…and now that seems so unjustly selfish of me. I would have told you today…but that’s no excuse for what you’ve been put through. I should have told you long before now. I was trying to protect you, even if what you truly needed protection from was me.” She didn’t move or acknowledge me and I squelched my urge to wake her. It wasn’t fair to her. Just because I desired a response gave me no right to seek one. “Please be okay,” I begged. “You mean everything to me, but I’ll handle this however you want me to. If you want me to leave you alone, I will try. I just need you to be okay.”
She was motionless in my arms, breathing in and out as her heart beat rhythmically. Her heartbeat had become the soundtrack of my life, one of the single most defining sounds of my existence. I didn’t know how to define my day without its cadence. I had not spent a lot of time considering what I would do if Bella decided against continuing our relationship. My faith in our love had grown stronger on its own, and I suppose, if I was being completely honest with myself, I had begun to depend on my faith as the only possibility. I had always told myself that I would leave her alone if she requested it, but now that the possibility was before me I wasn’t sure I could. Before Bella, rather than take part in life, it just sort of happened around me while I went about my duties - feeding regularly, playing my part, protecting my family. Since Bella, my world had become an endless array of colour and light. Her laughter was like the stars that lit my sky, her smile like my sun. The notion of living without her was almost unfathomable.
I had been selfish long enough, and laid Bella down, tucking the covers in around her. She shifted on to her side with her back towards me, and I wondered if she was inviting me to her, like we’d slept last night. It was a silly wish, but the idea consumed my thoughts. I gave into my helplessness and let myself believe that Bella wanted me to hold her. I snuggled myself against her, pushing myself into the curves of her body. I didn’t allow myself the luxury of touching her; waking her up tonight would be irresponsible, but I wove my arm under hers and around her waist. The way her hand laid limply curved around my wrist helped me believe in the illusion that she wanted me there.
I tucked my nose into her hair and just breathed her in, letting each breath she took comfort me, and kept time with her heartbeat. If there were a God, then with each breath she would be closer to normal. I’d been stupid and foolish to keep the truth from Bella, but even now I was hoping she’d forgive me, even after she’d found out the truth in such a disturbing and graphic way.
I treasured the moments of quiet in a different way. When Bella woke up, I knew everything would be different. Whether she forgave me or was angry with me or even still wanted to be with me, things between us would never be quite the same again. Our innocence was lost. Perhaps if I had been able to say the words to her instead of having her see my kind at our lowest immoral cipher, then I might have been able to protect it. Just the word vampire evoked horror and fear. My only saving grace was that she knew me, that I could be trusted and valued and even loved. She had done all of those things while I was a vampire, so perhaps she would not equate me with the revulsion and fright the word normally held. Still, I couldn’t imagine it would be an easy thing for a human to accept. She would be justified if she were angry with me and rid her life of me. Had someone told me some months ago that a vampire and a human could find perfect happiness together, I would have sat on my high horse and laughed them out of the room. I didn’t know that a human existed who could change my world the way Bella had. It would be soon enough that I would find out if she was that one human who would not be put off by loving a monster.
Charlie phoned early, around 7:00 AM. He was only thirty minutes away. He’d left his fishing trip earlier when he got my message but didn’t bother to call because of the late hour. I re-explained Bella’s condition and assured him that Bella was still sleeping restfully. He didn’t ask about the cause of the shock, which I was thankful for; he only seemed to care that she was safe. He and I had a lot more in common than I’d ever realized before. I made my way downstairs with a blanket and pillow and tried to make the couch look slept on.
I spent the short while waiting for Charlie’s arrival watching Bella from the doorway of her bedroom, thinking about the journey we had taken together, so many firsts, so much evolution, but above all, a love that changed both of us. I was both anxious and nervous for Bella to awaken. I didn’t know if this was the end of our journey together or not, but it didn’t feel like it was.
I was waiting in the living room when Charlie walked in. He was unsurprised to see me. I rose to my feet and went to greet him. I don’t know why; it just seemed like the right thing to do.
“How’s Bella?” It was the only thought in his frantic and worried mind.
“She’s still sleeping. My father gave her a sedative last night to ensure a good night’s rest.”
“Is it normal that she’s still sleeping?” he wondered.
“I think under the circumstances, yes it is normal. Is Bella normally an early riser?”
“No…it’s just…” His thoughts were complicated by Bella’s grief. He was worried she might be adversely affected because of the difficulty she had after losing her mother.
“Charlie, the shock is a temporary condition. I don’t think you need to anticipate any longer term effects from the episode.”
“Has she awoken at all?”
“Not since last night. Her body is trying to heal itself though, so it’s not unusual that she might spend more time resting than she normally would.”
“You seem to know an awful lot about it?” He was wondering why I was so versed in subject of shock.
“I Googled it last night after my father left, just to make sure I understood it fully.” He seemed satisfied with my answer, and a lie was easier than the truth.
“You probably need to get going home, eh? Your folks are probably worried?”
“My father gave me his consent to stay after I explained that you were out of town. I was planning to shower and change at home and then come back, if that’s permissible?”
“Sure. I’m sure Bella will want to see you when she wakes up.”
“Can I bring you anything when I come back?” I wondered, trying to remember my manners. “Do you like coffee?”
“You don’t have to go to the trouble, Edward.”
“It’s no trouble, sir. I’ll bring some for you, and some tea for Bella.”
“Thanks, son.”
I nodded and left, anxious to help in any way I could. I took the Volvo home, and slipped in and out of the house quickly, grabbing a shower and a change of clothing and avoiding everyone. I wasn’t positive that my family wasn’t keeping their distance on purpose, but that suited my purpose just fine. I was in no mood to make idle chitchat or discuss Bella’s prognosis.
I took off on foot, heading toward the clearing to begin my search for answers. The first thing I found was Bella’s truck, parked in its usual position on the side of the road. At least one thing was as it should be. I checked the truck for the keys but they were not in it.
The clearing held no answers for me at all. I still couldn’t imagine what had attracted Bella further into the forest, but I tracked her scent through the trees, following the path she took when she came across Rosalie. I could still see the remnants of her struggle - leaves pushed side in frantic piles, her flashlight lying further off the path - I could even smell her blood, now dried, on the debris that covered the forest floor.
I continued on her path, fetching her flashlight as I moved. My eyes searched as I went, looking for signs of Bella, for any clue that might give me a better idea of what she’d been through. I found broken branches that she forced out of her way, and others that wouldn’t move for her and kept a piece of her for themselves - hair and some blood and even a chunk of flesh. As I travelled, I found her lip balm and then her keys. Finally, I found the indentation that fit her diminutive body in the spot I’d seen in Jacob’s thoughts. She’d travelled nearly four miles from the spot where she started, in an effort to get away from Rosalie. For a girl with only human vision and no flashlight to lead her through the blackness of a midnight forest, that was an incredible distance, and that didn’t even take into account her broken leg. My poor Bella, battered and broken by what she saw, battered and broken by her getaway. I could only hope that her mind would repress the appallingly abominable memories of last night. She never deserved to see such horror.
I ran back to her truck and began the drive back to town. On my way through, I stopped at the diner for coffee and tea and a couple of muffins. They looked revolting to me, but the clerk recommended them because they were fresh out of the oven. I took her word for it. I pulled up in front of Bella’s house five minutes later.
I knocked quietly on the door. I didn’t know if she would be up and I certainly didn’t want to wake her. I could hear Charlie making his way to the door. His mind was in turmoil, and I didn’t take it as a good sign.
“Hi, Edward,” he greeted me, keeping a hand on the old wooden door, blocking the entrance way with his body.
“I brought you some coffee and muffins, and a tea for Bella.” I smiled cheerfully; my mask was fixed. “Did Bella wake up?”
“Yeah, she did,” he admitted. I couldn’t get a clear read on his thoughts. He was trying to decide if he should give me his opinion or hers. “Listen, Edward, I’m grateful that you were here to take care of her last night, and I know you care for her, but she’s asked me to keep you out of here.”
“Did she say why?” I asked. I didn’t really want to hear his answer, but I did want to read his thoughts. He thought Bella was overreacting and didn’t understand what had gone wrong, but he was trying to respect her wishes.
“She said she wanted to be alone.” His thoughts told the real truth. She said she didn’t want to see me. I could see her face in his mind - teary eyes, her expression upset. She’d given him no details.
“How was she?” I asked, knowing in my heart she was not okay, and that it was my fault that she wasn’t.
“She’s not herself. She was…upset. She didn’t say very much to me, and I didn’t want to push her. She’ll tell me when she’s ready. I’m sure she’s just overreacting, probably just a side effect of the shock. In fact, the more I think about it, she’s probably just over tired from everything she went through and not thinking straight.” Charlie didn’t want me to feel bad. He truly felt she would get over whatever was bothering her. He had no idea how deep it ran for her, not like I did.
“You’re probably right. I’ll give her the morning to herself and check back later this afternoon, if that’s okay with you, Charlie?” I could hear Alice’s mind. She was already on her way to me, coming to pick me up, having seen what would happen. I offered him the food in my hands and waited for him to take it from me.
“Knock yourself out, kid!” He liked that I was fighting for Bella; not a response I expected from him. Perhaps he saw the two of us as allies now.
“May I make a small request of you?” I wondered. “Jacob, the boy that found Bella, was hoping to stop by and check on her. I don’t know if Bella would like to see him or not, but he left his cell phone number with me, assuming I would be the one taking care of her. Perhaps you wouldn’t mind asking Bella and giving him a call? We both owe him our gratitude since he was the one who found her and got her home safely.”
“Of course,” Charlie agreed, taking the slip of paper from my hand. I’d had enough trouble handling their closeness. I didn’t want to have to call Jacob and explain that I didn’t know if she would see him. Moreover, I didn’t want to confess that she wouldn’t see me. It was like admitting he’d won the duel for her hand. Perhaps he had?
I nodded and turned my back to walk away. Charlie followed me on to the porch. He spoke in a hushed, sympathetic voice.
“Listen, Edward, she’s been through a lot, what with her mom…”
“I know she has.”
“Just give her some time to calm down. She needs some time to take stock of things and get everything lined up in a way that’s comfortable for her. I’m sure she’ll come around.” I could see that Charlie understood the way her mind worked, and in any other situation I would have agreed with him.
“I hope she does.”
“And if she doesn’t, I’ll go to bat for you. You’ve been good for her, whether she realizes it or not.”
“Thanks, Charlie.”
“Hang in there, kid.”
I nodded and walked away from him. I chose to start the walk home instead of waiting idly by the curb for Alice. I couldn’t stand there and have Charlie staring at me. I couldn’t stand there and pretend I was okay. I couldn’t stand there, so near to Bella, and fight the urge to go to her. Alice caught up with me a block away. I got in the car without a word. Alice didn’t speak to me either. I’m sure she suspected how I must be feeling, or had seen it. Either way, we drove home in silence. I went straight to my room and locked myself in.
I’d been so sure our love was enough, so sure she would be able to look past the one flaw in me that I could not change. It was nothing more than wishful thinking. No one could love a monster. I’d always known it. I’d just stopped believing it for a while.
I stripped off my clothes and put the ones I’d changed out of earlier back on. They smelled like her. It was all I had of her - her scent on my clothes.
I could feel my body shutting down - the numbness trickling into my fingertips, the slow burn on the back of my neck creeping up my spine and taking over. The colour was draining from my surroundings; no pink the colour of her lips, no brown like her beautiful eyes, just an endless palette of greys; the darkest shadows threatening from the corners. I didn’t want to think or feel or even be aware. I curled up on the couch and closed my eyes and waited for complete numbness to take me.
She was out of my reach.
There was no reason to go on.
A/N: Please review.