Out of Choices - Chapter 44
Title: Out Of Choices
Chapter 44: Endings (Previous Chapters: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19.1, 19.2, 20, 21, 22.1, 22.2, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33.1, 33.2, 34, 35, 36, 37, 38, 39, 40, 41, 42, 43)
Author:JCAddict/picklewinkle/Sher
Fandom: Twilight
Word Count:4,849
Rating: R/M, for sex and language
Story Summary: Bella is devastated by the loss of her mother and is forced to go live with Charlie, her Mom's best friend when there is no one else to take her in. She gives up on living, too lost in her own anger to let anyone close to her. Enter Edward, the handsome teenage vampire, and the beginning of a complicated love-hate relationship. Neither can deny the connection between them, but can their love survive the fear that rules her and the secret he hides from her? AU, OOC, Rated Mature for language and lemons. Also available at Twilighted.net
Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight and all of its characters. I'm just manipulating them like imaginary playdoh so I feel like I have some power over them **snorts**
44. Endings
A/N: If you’re still reading this story, that means you’ve heard me declare 43 or so times that Twilight doesn’t belong to me, but to Stephenie Meyer, and I’m just playing with her characters like play-doh. No copyright infringement is intended.
It’s two for one OOC Monday today.
This is the second part of…well no, wait, it’s truly the third part of the chapter. The chapter started with Retrograde, then Decision, and now Endings. I was loquacious and verbose, but you all should be used to that by now.
Thank you to everyone who has read and reviewed the story. I’ve got the most awesome readers and I’m grateful to you guys. I ask for your continued patience with review answering. I know you understand, and most people have told me they’d rather have story than a reply, so here is more story for you.
A continuation of Retrograde and Decision, so if you haven’t read them yet, go back and read them first. It begins exactly where Decision (Chapter 43) left off.
From Edward’s POV…
The trip to Lake Ozette was uneventful. Once I got onto the highway, I unbuckled Bella and pulled her body towards me. Even though she was limp against my side, her warmth allayed my nerves and her breathing kept time for me. The sound was as sweet as any music I’d ever heard, and more precious than the rarest jewel. It formed a harmony with the rhythm of her heart, and together, they were the soundtrack for the drive.
We were to our destination within twenty minutes. I would apologize to her later for the speed at which I drove, when there was more time. I could imagine the tongue-lashing she would give me, and the multiplicity of expletives she’d choose to express her dismay. I pulled the Volvo into the small garage, to disguise our presence at the lake, and carried her into the cabin, not bothering to turn on any lights. I could see adequately in the darkness, and somehow it made my task seem less real.
I walked over to the bed, intending to put Bella down, but I couldn’t let her go. I needed her there in my arms like I’d never needed anything before. Sitting down on the mattress, I shifted backwards until my back rested on the headboard. I held her tenderly against me, revelling for a few minutes in her warmth and her scent and her softness, all of which would die with her humanity. I would be the luckiest man on Earth to have her with me, but I would miss all of the things that made her different from me, the way you miss a vacation spot - with fondness and a distant longing and a tiny bit of sadness.
I cradled her tiny head in my palm, tucking it into my neck, and I said my goodbye, just in case. I silently promised myself that I would make her transformation a success, but I needed a few moments to speak my heart.
“I love you,” I whispered, pressing my lips into her silky hair until I felt her ear beneath them. “If there were anything else that would save you from death, please know I would have chosen it. This is the last thing I wanted for you. Everything happened so fast that there wasn’t time to ask your permission. This was not something I ever allowed myself to consider, but I was never as close to losing you as I am right now.” I swallowed hard and tried to push the emotion back, but my efforts were fruitless. My voice cracked, strained with the depth of understanding only experience could deliver. “You’re right. Death changes everything. Please forgive me for what I’m about to do…for the pain and for taking away your humanity.” I kissed her ear with repentant lips, silently begging her for her understanding and forgiveness, and summoned every ounce of courage in me. I would need it all, and then some. “You mean everything to me. You are my world, and understanding that I mean the same thing to you is the only way I could go through with this.”
I knew what I had to do now. I’d spoken my goodbye, and there was no point in procrastinating further. Her time was finite, and waiting might complicate my task.
My strategy was simple - get the venom to her heart as quickly as possible. Her heart would help spread the poison, and the speed of its delivery would prevent me from backing out. Once the venom flowed into her vein, there would be no going back - no medical procedure that could remove it from her system or technique I could use to counter its toxicity. The spread would be quick and irreversible.
I untucked her tiny head from the crook of my neck and angled her face up towards mine. I wished I could see her eyes one last time before they were altered forever, even though I knew it was unavailing. For all intents and purposes, she was already gone, and knowing that made my plan much easier to execute and persevere through. I kissed her soft unresponsive lips, hoping against hope one last time that she would come alive, like sleeping beauty and her prince, only I was no prince, and she was not sleeping. My kiss did nothing but seal our goodbye.
I let my lips trail slowly from her mouth, pressing against her soft cheek and along her jawbone. If, by some miracle, she could sense my touch or knew I was there, I wanted the last thing she’d remember to be my love. I kissed her skin tenderly as I made my way haltingly towards my mark. My mouth found her earlobe and I pulled the rounded flesh between my lips, taking a moment to reassure myself. I could feel my hesitation building, so I tried to make peace with the impending act itself, to relieve the growing anxiety.
If Bella were conscious and in the moment with me, my lips on her earlobe as they were, she would have let her head drop back so I could kiss her more thoroughly there. In my mind, I could hear the tiny mew that would have left her lips against her will when I moved my mouth and pressed it into the depression behind her ear. The strange mixture of emotions I felt overwhelmed me - anger and sadness, along with desire and longing. The lack of response from her was agonizing. It brought an emptiness that I didn’t think was possible. Illogically, I fought against the emptiness, kissing her skin more passionately. The effect was two-fold, but both effects were negative. The emptiness and the desire grew.
I kissed my way down her neck, now fully exposed to me, and tucked my nose underneath her jawbone. Her scent seemed stronger there than I remembered, and it made the longing worse. My lips hovered above her internal jugular vein - superficial, unprotected and susceptible to me - in a final moment of hesitation.
“I love you,” I murmured desperately against her skin, and then sank my teeth into the vein.
I had tasted human blood before, but nothing rivalled the taste of Bella’s blood on my tongue. It was nectarous and ambrosial, and beyond everything - my imagination, my comprehension, even my control. The moment the taste hit my tongue, my venom gushed rapidly, abundant and unceasing. I could feel my body reacting to her sweetness, tingling with pleasure and desire, and while I didn’t want my body to feel anything, it was impossible not to. Just as in every other way, her blood was perfect for me too.
My lips still pressed to her throat, I momentarily lost myself in the sublimity of the thick red liquid as it pooled on my tongue, enjoying it more than I wanted to admit. Ashamed of the twisted pleasure I was feeling, but unable to resist, I closed my eyes and let it slide down my throat. I knew I needed to regain my focus and shut off what I was feeling, but the sweetness of her blood dominated me.
I doubted that I’d injected enough venom to transform her without encumbrance, so I knew I couldn’t halt my actions yet, but I knew I could only fight the delectation successfully for so long. If I didn’t stop soon, there would be no stopping, and I would kill her instead of transform her. The duality was excruciating. My body was rigid as I fought the urge to suck more of the liquid than what passively dripped into my mouth. The flow was already the limit of what I could handle and still think through. Her blood was as much a poison to me as my venom was to her.
I began to feel things I hadn’t anticipated, things I wasn’t prepared for. As I laid my plan out in my mind, I knew I would be fighting my bloodlust, that the taste of Bella’s blood on my tongue would be overwhelming and I would be controlled by it if I gave in. I tried to ready myself to resist it, for the onslaught of emotions I would feel - guilt, fear, trepidation, and even the pleasure - but I was not ready for the desire it created. I hadn’t anticipated the way my lips on her neck and her scent in my nose and her warmth against me would unite with the taste of her delicious blood to activate me sexually.
Fear rippled through me as my will slipped further away. I couldn’t allow my remaining control to abdicate.
I held her tightly to my body, too tightly; it would have bruised her under normal circumstances, but my hold on her body was the only thing the tied me to the here and now. I bit down on her neck harder, fighting to focus on my task and deliver more venom, as Bella’s perfection vitiated my control. My arousal continued to mount, and even amidst my own disgust, I felt myself harden. As perverted as it was, I still did not halt my actions.
I shifted, trying to ward off the worst parts of my nature, pulling Bella’s body closer still, and her tiny head rolled and slumped limply across her shoulder. I hadn’t even realized that my hand was no longer supporting it, too caught up in my desire and bloodlust to pay proper attention. It made me feel deplorable, like nothing better than an animal, and completely undeserving of Bella’s love and devotion. My behaviour was opprobrious and corrupt, but the shame I felt snapped me to attention. Bella deserved better than to die at my careless and selfish hands. She deserved a respectful, attentive and adoring man to care for her in every way, and most especially when she couldn’t care for herself.
The sweetness of her blood suddenly soured on my tongue, adulterated with the guilt and disgrace of my reactions, and tainted by the venom that pooled in my mouth. My hand darted to cup and support her tiny head, and I retracted my teeth from her skin. Surely I had injected enough venom to exact her transformation. I kissed her neck gently, understanding that breaking the connection equated with admitting there was nothing more that I could do. I had taken Bella as far as I could on my own; my venom had to chaperon her for the remainder of her journey.
I had not taken the time to dress her at the hospital so she still wore the standard issue ill-fitting hospital gown. I pulled at the excess fabric, using it to cover the wound I’d made until her body healed itself, but it didn’t seem like enough. I peeled the bandage my father had placed on her hand off, and smoothed it over her neck wound. I was satisfied with the option, but still wanted to do more for Bella. I lay her gently down on the mattress, quickly unbuttoning my shirt and shrugging out of it. Bella would like waking up in my shirt, I was sure of it. I removed the hospital gown and slid my shirt onto her arm, rolling her body towards me so I could drag the cotton around her and along her other arm. My hands sped over the buttons, anxious to have her in my arms again. As soon as the shirt was buttoned, I pulled her against me once more.
It wasn’t long before Bella’s hands, once limp and pressed between our chests, twitched. The venom was beginning to take hold. I felt guilty for the relief it brought, knowing it would only be a matter of time before the venom healed Bella’s injuries and the screaming began. It would be torturous to hear, but like a walk in the park compared to the hell Bella would be lost in. I remembered the burning pain all too well, and wouldn’t wish it on my mortal enemy.
I watched her closely for signs of change. The pain would start in her heart and spread from there. I could tell when it reached her extremities, her fists tightly clenched against the pain; her tiny toes curled and strained, trying to resist the agony. They would remain in that state for the majority of the transformation. I held Bella to me and whispered whatever came to mind, silly stories about places I wanted to take her to and what we would see while we were there. The hours passed in worried lurches and hushed wishes.
The pain continued to worsen. The venom had more to repair in her brain and it seemed to take longer to accomplish its task. By daybreak, I could tell the healing had begun by the way her brow wrinkled and her eyebrows knitted together. I kissed the pucker over and over again, hoping to soothe her and myself, and failed on both fronts. I murmured apologies until the words lost their meanings and I doubted their very existence.
She slipped further into the pain by the end of the afternoon. Her eyes were squeezed so tightly shut that I doubted I could pry them open, even with all of my strength. Her expression was nothing more than a grimace. She was still silent, and my worry that something in the process of transformation had gone wrong began to fester. It was easy to deprecate my efforts while I held her and watched her agony with culpable eyes. Even if the only other alternative was unfathomable, her pain was completely my fault.
When darkness fell that night, it brought a new wave of worry. At the twenty-four hour mark, I was ready to phone Carlisle, but didn’t. There was nothing he could do to help even if something had gone wrong. Her veins were already sealed shut by the venom. I understood that what I was really wanted was assurance; something no one but Bella could give me. I could still hear her heart beating. I could still hear each breath she took. I could still see little changes in her posture and expressions. I knew there was no way I could rush the process, as much as I wished there were, as much as I hated the waiting.
I spent much of the night trying to still her body against the tremors that rippled through her. The pain had engulfed her whole body.
Dawn was a double-edged sword. There was some abatement in knowing she was halfway through the process of transformation, but the relief was short lived. As the light broke through a crack in the drapes, and a small slice illuminated Bella’s distressed expression, I saw her tears; another reaction to the abysmal pain she was enduring. They shouldn’t have surprised me the way they did, but they made me feel as if my chest had been ripped wide open. In that moment, I would have killed myself to take away her pain.
Time seemed to be slowing, and Bella’s pain was still worsening. Her muteness was deafening. I almost think I would have preferred her screaming, although I understood that it was merely easier to believe the idea than the actual practice of it would have been. I spoke my hypotheses about her uncommunicativeness aloud, feeling like I might go mad from the silence. I assumed it had much to do with the healing in her brain. With her impaired brain function, her body was not processing the pain. As the venom healed the neurons, and the connections were revitalized, the pain became more apparent to her. There was some amenity in the belief of this theory. If the transmission of pain across her synapses was impaired, then it was possible that she didn’t suffer as much as she would have if her brain had been fully functional. I would discuss it with Carlisle, but only Bella would be able to confirm or deny the absence of pain when she woke up.
The paroxysms appeared around midnight. The tiny tremors that plagued her body for the better part of twenty-four hours morphed into violent convulsions. There was little I could do to stop the powerful involuntary muscle contractions that forced her arms and legs to flail, and her head and torso to contort. I did my best to hold her body tightly to my own, so she could brace herself against something, but it only seemed to irritate her further. Finally, I gave up, releasing her from my arms and laying her gently down on the mattress. Perhaps the hardness of my body made the pain worse. Maybe a soft mattress would help her relax.
A tiny groan left her lips, so quiet that normal ears wouldn’t have heard it. It was the first sound I’d heard from her in days and it awakened my whole body. I would liken it to an adrenaline rush or what the jolt from a defibrillator might feel like. I bent as close to her ear as I could without impeding her movement and told her how much I loved her, reminding her that I was right beside her if she needed me. She groaned again, louder this time, loud enough that human ears might have picked it up. Her body continued to convulse in random bursts. After each one subsided, I would stroke her hair and whisper promises, hoping they would give her something to look forward too. If she could think through the pain, which was both possible and probable, it might give her something to think about to take her mind off the torture her body was going through.
Bella remained quieter than I anticipated she would. Her occasional groans got louder with the strength of the convulsions, but she mainly stayed silent. I assured her it was okay to yell and scream if she needed to, and reminded her of it often. Near dawn, the paroxysms finally ended for good. Bella rolled herself into a tight ball and I took the opportunity to tuck myself around her. I wrapped my arms around her as best I could and explained that it was almost over, and that she was doing amazingly well. Her body seemed to relax infinitesimally when I spoke so I decided to tell her what was happening to her.
I started at the beginning of the problems with her health, disclosing that the nausea and difficulty she had breathing at the hospital were not her over-exerting herself, but a pulmonary embolism that probably started in her broken leg after it was re-injured in the crash. The next part was more difficult to detail. My voice was uneven as I described what happened to her heart with painful clarity - how it stopped, how she was given CPR and then defibrillated, how it all felt unreal and that I couldn’t imagine her dying. My body was rigid as I recounted that she never regained consciousness. I’m sure she could sense the tension in the way I held my body, even with the degree of pain she was in. I thought I felt her push against me slightly, but I couldn’t be sure of it. I explained that I stayed with her the entire time, holding her hand and talking to her. I told her about the specialist and the decreasing brain function and the conversation I had with Charlie about saving her.
I didn’t want her to think I had any reservations about my decision, so I explained how I couldn’t imagine a world without her in it, that I no longer knew how to exist without her love, and that I didn’t really want to try. I told her how I wished I had her permission or, at the very least, her thoughts on the subject, but in the absence of either, I had to make the decision based on what I knew. We had a magical forever kind of love, one that connected us more deeply than most, and because I knew she understood that and wanted a future with me, that she wanted whatever sort of forever she could have with me, that I took it upon myself to move forward and save her from death. I explained that Charlie knew only obscure details but that he could remain in her new life. I hesitated when I began to tell her what that new life meant, unsure, and afraid of upsetting her.
I explained that ultimately what was happening to her was a result of my decision and then told her that she was just like me now - a vampire. I revealed that my venom had fixed the broken parts of her - her leg, her lungs, her brain - and that it would also change her body from human to undead, that she would have the same cold pale hard skin as me, and even the same topaz eyes eventually, if she chose my lifestyle. I disclosed that she would forever be frozen at seventeen - the same body, the same thoughts, and the same desires - and that by forever, I truly meant forever, that she was now immortal.
I confessed that she would look different when she saw her reflection, but confirmed that she was still exactly the same person inside, and every bit as beautiful as she always was. I explained the speed, and the strength and every little detail I could think of, regardless of how insignificant it seemed. She deserved to know it all; it was her life now.
There was a period in early afternoon where Bella was almost relaxed, like she was sleeping, but I knew it was the calm before the storm. As evening broke, so did Bella’s pain tolerance, and she screamed out. At first, it was simply just a loud, emotional, pain-ridden wail. Later, it was my name, begging for me to make the burning stop. I knew from experience that once the fiery pain began to recede from her extremities, the pain in her heart would climb exponentially. I didn’t blame her for crying out. I did my best to comfort her, for as little good as it did, but hopefully she knew she wasn’t alone.
I continued to talk, speaking softly into her ear in hopes of comforting her. I told her about my love of music, detailing my wall of CDs at home and the various genres they covered. I told her about playing the piano, explained how to read sheet music, and even a little bit about the piece I started to compose with her in mind, after the ski trip. I pledged to finish it for her when there was time, if she wanted me to.
The screaming continued, intensifying as the sun began to set. She was nearing the end. I could hear the differences in her heartbeat - faster, less steady and somehow louder. Then again, I was concentrating on the sound, trying to commit its cadence to memory. By and by, all it would be was a memory. I told her I could hear differences in her heartbeat, and promised that it would all be over soon, kissing her shoulder to seal my declaration. I was uncommonly relaxed, even with Bella’s screams, knowing her pain was drawing to a close. I’d let go of my apprehension that something had gone wrong since she’d found her voice. Now, I only needed to know if she’d forgive me for my decision.
Before long, her heart started beating so quickly that the sounds became almost indistinct, slamming into one another and overlapping. Bella retreated into silence once again, trying to deal with the unbearable pain she was suffering. It was then that her tiny hand curled around my index finger and held on. I gasped, in spite of being prepared for her transformation to be over. I’d been holding that tiny hand for days without a response, and I’d forgotten how much I needed her touch, too wrapped up in helping her to think of my own needs. Now that I had those perfect little fingers around mine, I needed more.
“That’s it,” I coaxed. “Hold on to me, Bella. I’m right here.”
She squeezed harder, not realizing her strength, and I marvelled at the force of her grasp. Gone was the feeble grip of her humanity, and, in its place, the overwhelming power of a newborn vampire. I didn’t even care that it hurt. If it helped her to feel better in even the smallest of ways, she was welcomed to whatever she needed.
I could feel her coming out of the pain; the strange electricity that passed between us had finally come back to life, surging and tingling with a new intensity. I was practically giddy with anticipation. She was almost mine again.
Bella traversed into her new life in the same manner she left her old one, in silence. I felt her body finally relax into mine, and heard the delicate swish as her eyes fluttered opened.
“Edward?”
Her voice was the sweetest deliverance I’d ever been granted.
I laughed lightly, too overjoyed to contain my reaction, and pressed my lips against her ear in a soft kiss. “I’m right here,” I murmured in assurance. I was sure she was disoriented and that her newly acquired senses seemed hyper acute and strange. “Welcome back. I’ve missed you so.”
She rolled to face me, curious and questioning, but most importantly, alive and responsive. Seeing her beautiful face reanimated was exhilarating and it took my breath away. I wondered how I ever allowed myself to be foolish enough to believe I could live without her.
“You’ve been through a lot in the last week, and I have a lot to tell you, but first, tell me how you’re feeling?”
For a moment, I thought perhaps she might be bewildered, her expression a mixture of awe and confusion.
“I know everything seems overwhelming right now, but you’ll adjust quickly, and I’ll be beside you every step of the way to answer your questions.”
I stared back at her, reverent and grateful, and gave her a moment for things to sink in.
“What’s this shit about you playing the piano?” she asked, surprised. She tried to keep a serious expression in place but her smirk betrayed her. “You’d think you’d have mentioned that before now.” Her smirk morphed into a smile, her beautiful pink lips curling and her rounded cheeks pushing back until her eyes were wrinkled and her whole face lit up. My Bella was back, and the whole world seemed brighter under the radiance of her smile.
A/N: Please review.
Chapter 44: Endings (Previous Chapters: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19.1, 19.2, 20, 21, 22.1, 22.2, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33.1, 33.2, 34, 35, 36, 37, 38, 39, 40, 41, 42, 43)
Author:JCAddict/picklewinkle/Sher
Fandom: Twilight
Word Count:4,849
Rating: R/M, for sex and language
Story Summary: Bella is devastated by the loss of her mother and is forced to go live with Charlie, her Mom's best friend when there is no one else to take her in. She gives up on living, too lost in her own anger to let anyone close to her. Enter Edward, the handsome teenage vampire, and the beginning of a complicated love-hate relationship. Neither can deny the connection between them, but can their love survive the fear that rules her and the secret he hides from her? AU, OOC, Rated Mature for language and lemons. Also available at Twilighted.net
Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight and all of its characters. I'm just manipulating them like imaginary playdoh so I feel like I have some power over them **snorts**
44. Endings
A/N: If you’re still reading this story, that means you’ve heard me declare 43 or so times that Twilight doesn’t belong to me, but to Stephenie Meyer, and I’m just playing with her characters like play-doh. No copyright infringement is intended.
It’s two for one OOC Monday today.
This is the second part of…well no, wait, it’s truly the third part of the chapter. The chapter started with Retrograde, then Decision, and now Endings. I was loquacious and verbose, but you all should be used to that by now.
Thank you to everyone who has read and reviewed the story. I’ve got the most awesome readers and I’m grateful to you guys. I ask for your continued patience with review answering. I know you understand, and most people have told me they’d rather have story than a reply, so here is more story for you.
A continuation of Retrograde and Decision, so if you haven’t read them yet, go back and read them first. It begins exactly where Decision (Chapter 43) left off.
From Edward’s POV…
The trip to Lake Ozette was uneventful. Once I got onto the highway, I unbuckled Bella and pulled her body towards me. Even though she was limp against my side, her warmth allayed my nerves and her breathing kept time for me. The sound was as sweet as any music I’d ever heard, and more precious than the rarest jewel. It formed a harmony with the rhythm of her heart, and together, they were the soundtrack for the drive.
We were to our destination within twenty minutes. I would apologize to her later for the speed at which I drove, when there was more time. I could imagine the tongue-lashing she would give me, and the multiplicity of expletives she’d choose to express her dismay. I pulled the Volvo into the small garage, to disguise our presence at the lake, and carried her into the cabin, not bothering to turn on any lights. I could see adequately in the darkness, and somehow it made my task seem less real.
I walked over to the bed, intending to put Bella down, but I couldn’t let her go. I needed her there in my arms like I’d never needed anything before. Sitting down on the mattress, I shifted backwards until my back rested on the headboard. I held her tenderly against me, revelling for a few minutes in her warmth and her scent and her softness, all of which would die with her humanity. I would be the luckiest man on Earth to have her with me, but I would miss all of the things that made her different from me, the way you miss a vacation spot - with fondness and a distant longing and a tiny bit of sadness.
I cradled her tiny head in my palm, tucking it into my neck, and I said my goodbye, just in case. I silently promised myself that I would make her transformation a success, but I needed a few moments to speak my heart.
“I love you,” I whispered, pressing my lips into her silky hair until I felt her ear beneath them. “If there were anything else that would save you from death, please know I would have chosen it. This is the last thing I wanted for you. Everything happened so fast that there wasn’t time to ask your permission. This was not something I ever allowed myself to consider, but I was never as close to losing you as I am right now.” I swallowed hard and tried to push the emotion back, but my efforts were fruitless. My voice cracked, strained with the depth of understanding only experience could deliver. “You’re right. Death changes everything. Please forgive me for what I’m about to do…for the pain and for taking away your humanity.” I kissed her ear with repentant lips, silently begging her for her understanding and forgiveness, and summoned every ounce of courage in me. I would need it all, and then some. “You mean everything to me. You are my world, and understanding that I mean the same thing to you is the only way I could go through with this.”
I knew what I had to do now. I’d spoken my goodbye, and there was no point in procrastinating further. Her time was finite, and waiting might complicate my task.
My strategy was simple - get the venom to her heart as quickly as possible. Her heart would help spread the poison, and the speed of its delivery would prevent me from backing out. Once the venom flowed into her vein, there would be no going back - no medical procedure that could remove it from her system or technique I could use to counter its toxicity. The spread would be quick and irreversible.
I untucked her tiny head from the crook of my neck and angled her face up towards mine. I wished I could see her eyes one last time before they were altered forever, even though I knew it was unavailing. For all intents and purposes, she was already gone, and knowing that made my plan much easier to execute and persevere through. I kissed her soft unresponsive lips, hoping against hope one last time that she would come alive, like sleeping beauty and her prince, only I was no prince, and she was not sleeping. My kiss did nothing but seal our goodbye.
I let my lips trail slowly from her mouth, pressing against her soft cheek and along her jawbone. If, by some miracle, she could sense my touch or knew I was there, I wanted the last thing she’d remember to be my love. I kissed her skin tenderly as I made my way haltingly towards my mark. My mouth found her earlobe and I pulled the rounded flesh between my lips, taking a moment to reassure myself. I could feel my hesitation building, so I tried to make peace with the impending act itself, to relieve the growing anxiety.
If Bella were conscious and in the moment with me, my lips on her earlobe as they were, she would have let her head drop back so I could kiss her more thoroughly there. In my mind, I could hear the tiny mew that would have left her lips against her will when I moved my mouth and pressed it into the depression behind her ear. The strange mixture of emotions I felt overwhelmed me - anger and sadness, along with desire and longing. The lack of response from her was agonizing. It brought an emptiness that I didn’t think was possible. Illogically, I fought against the emptiness, kissing her skin more passionately. The effect was two-fold, but both effects were negative. The emptiness and the desire grew.
I kissed my way down her neck, now fully exposed to me, and tucked my nose underneath her jawbone. Her scent seemed stronger there than I remembered, and it made the longing worse. My lips hovered above her internal jugular vein - superficial, unprotected and susceptible to me - in a final moment of hesitation.
“I love you,” I murmured desperately against her skin, and then sank my teeth into the vein.
I had tasted human blood before, but nothing rivalled the taste of Bella’s blood on my tongue. It was nectarous and ambrosial, and beyond everything - my imagination, my comprehension, even my control. The moment the taste hit my tongue, my venom gushed rapidly, abundant and unceasing. I could feel my body reacting to her sweetness, tingling with pleasure and desire, and while I didn’t want my body to feel anything, it was impossible not to. Just as in every other way, her blood was perfect for me too.
My lips still pressed to her throat, I momentarily lost myself in the sublimity of the thick red liquid as it pooled on my tongue, enjoying it more than I wanted to admit. Ashamed of the twisted pleasure I was feeling, but unable to resist, I closed my eyes and let it slide down my throat. I knew I needed to regain my focus and shut off what I was feeling, but the sweetness of her blood dominated me.
I doubted that I’d injected enough venom to transform her without encumbrance, so I knew I couldn’t halt my actions yet, but I knew I could only fight the delectation successfully for so long. If I didn’t stop soon, there would be no stopping, and I would kill her instead of transform her. The duality was excruciating. My body was rigid as I fought the urge to suck more of the liquid than what passively dripped into my mouth. The flow was already the limit of what I could handle and still think through. Her blood was as much a poison to me as my venom was to her.
I began to feel things I hadn’t anticipated, things I wasn’t prepared for. As I laid my plan out in my mind, I knew I would be fighting my bloodlust, that the taste of Bella’s blood on my tongue would be overwhelming and I would be controlled by it if I gave in. I tried to ready myself to resist it, for the onslaught of emotions I would feel - guilt, fear, trepidation, and even the pleasure - but I was not ready for the desire it created. I hadn’t anticipated the way my lips on her neck and her scent in my nose and her warmth against me would unite with the taste of her delicious blood to activate me sexually.
Fear rippled through me as my will slipped further away. I couldn’t allow my remaining control to abdicate.
I held her tightly to my body, too tightly; it would have bruised her under normal circumstances, but my hold on her body was the only thing the tied me to the here and now. I bit down on her neck harder, fighting to focus on my task and deliver more venom, as Bella’s perfection vitiated my control. My arousal continued to mount, and even amidst my own disgust, I felt myself harden. As perverted as it was, I still did not halt my actions.
I shifted, trying to ward off the worst parts of my nature, pulling Bella’s body closer still, and her tiny head rolled and slumped limply across her shoulder. I hadn’t even realized that my hand was no longer supporting it, too caught up in my desire and bloodlust to pay proper attention. It made me feel deplorable, like nothing better than an animal, and completely undeserving of Bella’s love and devotion. My behaviour was opprobrious and corrupt, but the shame I felt snapped me to attention. Bella deserved better than to die at my careless and selfish hands. She deserved a respectful, attentive and adoring man to care for her in every way, and most especially when she couldn’t care for herself.
The sweetness of her blood suddenly soured on my tongue, adulterated with the guilt and disgrace of my reactions, and tainted by the venom that pooled in my mouth. My hand darted to cup and support her tiny head, and I retracted my teeth from her skin. Surely I had injected enough venom to exact her transformation. I kissed her neck gently, understanding that breaking the connection equated with admitting there was nothing more that I could do. I had taken Bella as far as I could on my own; my venom had to chaperon her for the remainder of her journey.
I had not taken the time to dress her at the hospital so she still wore the standard issue ill-fitting hospital gown. I pulled at the excess fabric, using it to cover the wound I’d made until her body healed itself, but it didn’t seem like enough. I peeled the bandage my father had placed on her hand off, and smoothed it over her neck wound. I was satisfied with the option, but still wanted to do more for Bella. I lay her gently down on the mattress, quickly unbuttoning my shirt and shrugging out of it. Bella would like waking up in my shirt, I was sure of it. I removed the hospital gown and slid my shirt onto her arm, rolling her body towards me so I could drag the cotton around her and along her other arm. My hands sped over the buttons, anxious to have her in my arms again. As soon as the shirt was buttoned, I pulled her against me once more.
It wasn’t long before Bella’s hands, once limp and pressed between our chests, twitched. The venom was beginning to take hold. I felt guilty for the relief it brought, knowing it would only be a matter of time before the venom healed Bella’s injuries and the screaming began. It would be torturous to hear, but like a walk in the park compared to the hell Bella would be lost in. I remembered the burning pain all too well, and wouldn’t wish it on my mortal enemy.
I watched her closely for signs of change. The pain would start in her heart and spread from there. I could tell when it reached her extremities, her fists tightly clenched against the pain; her tiny toes curled and strained, trying to resist the agony. They would remain in that state for the majority of the transformation. I held Bella to me and whispered whatever came to mind, silly stories about places I wanted to take her to and what we would see while we were there. The hours passed in worried lurches and hushed wishes.
The pain continued to worsen. The venom had more to repair in her brain and it seemed to take longer to accomplish its task. By daybreak, I could tell the healing had begun by the way her brow wrinkled and her eyebrows knitted together. I kissed the pucker over and over again, hoping to soothe her and myself, and failed on both fronts. I murmured apologies until the words lost their meanings and I doubted their very existence.
She slipped further into the pain by the end of the afternoon. Her eyes were squeezed so tightly shut that I doubted I could pry them open, even with all of my strength. Her expression was nothing more than a grimace. She was still silent, and my worry that something in the process of transformation had gone wrong began to fester. It was easy to deprecate my efforts while I held her and watched her agony with culpable eyes. Even if the only other alternative was unfathomable, her pain was completely my fault.
When darkness fell that night, it brought a new wave of worry. At the twenty-four hour mark, I was ready to phone Carlisle, but didn’t. There was nothing he could do to help even if something had gone wrong. Her veins were already sealed shut by the venom. I understood that what I was really wanted was assurance; something no one but Bella could give me. I could still hear her heart beating. I could still hear each breath she took. I could still see little changes in her posture and expressions. I knew there was no way I could rush the process, as much as I wished there were, as much as I hated the waiting.
I spent much of the night trying to still her body against the tremors that rippled through her. The pain had engulfed her whole body.
Dawn was a double-edged sword. There was some abatement in knowing she was halfway through the process of transformation, but the relief was short lived. As the light broke through a crack in the drapes, and a small slice illuminated Bella’s distressed expression, I saw her tears; another reaction to the abysmal pain she was enduring. They shouldn’t have surprised me the way they did, but they made me feel as if my chest had been ripped wide open. In that moment, I would have killed myself to take away her pain.
Time seemed to be slowing, and Bella’s pain was still worsening. Her muteness was deafening. I almost think I would have preferred her screaming, although I understood that it was merely easier to believe the idea than the actual practice of it would have been. I spoke my hypotheses about her uncommunicativeness aloud, feeling like I might go mad from the silence. I assumed it had much to do with the healing in her brain. With her impaired brain function, her body was not processing the pain. As the venom healed the neurons, and the connections were revitalized, the pain became more apparent to her. There was some amenity in the belief of this theory. If the transmission of pain across her synapses was impaired, then it was possible that she didn’t suffer as much as she would have if her brain had been fully functional. I would discuss it with Carlisle, but only Bella would be able to confirm or deny the absence of pain when she woke up.
The paroxysms appeared around midnight. The tiny tremors that plagued her body for the better part of twenty-four hours morphed into violent convulsions. There was little I could do to stop the powerful involuntary muscle contractions that forced her arms and legs to flail, and her head and torso to contort. I did my best to hold her body tightly to my own, so she could brace herself against something, but it only seemed to irritate her further. Finally, I gave up, releasing her from my arms and laying her gently down on the mattress. Perhaps the hardness of my body made the pain worse. Maybe a soft mattress would help her relax.
A tiny groan left her lips, so quiet that normal ears wouldn’t have heard it. It was the first sound I’d heard from her in days and it awakened my whole body. I would liken it to an adrenaline rush or what the jolt from a defibrillator might feel like. I bent as close to her ear as I could without impeding her movement and told her how much I loved her, reminding her that I was right beside her if she needed me. She groaned again, louder this time, loud enough that human ears might have picked it up. Her body continued to convulse in random bursts. After each one subsided, I would stroke her hair and whisper promises, hoping they would give her something to look forward too. If she could think through the pain, which was both possible and probable, it might give her something to think about to take her mind off the torture her body was going through.
Bella remained quieter than I anticipated she would. Her occasional groans got louder with the strength of the convulsions, but she mainly stayed silent. I assured her it was okay to yell and scream if she needed to, and reminded her of it often. Near dawn, the paroxysms finally ended for good. Bella rolled herself into a tight ball and I took the opportunity to tuck myself around her. I wrapped my arms around her as best I could and explained that it was almost over, and that she was doing amazingly well. Her body seemed to relax infinitesimally when I spoke so I decided to tell her what was happening to her.
I started at the beginning of the problems with her health, disclosing that the nausea and difficulty she had breathing at the hospital were not her over-exerting herself, but a pulmonary embolism that probably started in her broken leg after it was re-injured in the crash. The next part was more difficult to detail. My voice was uneven as I described what happened to her heart with painful clarity - how it stopped, how she was given CPR and then defibrillated, how it all felt unreal and that I couldn’t imagine her dying. My body was rigid as I recounted that she never regained consciousness. I’m sure she could sense the tension in the way I held my body, even with the degree of pain she was in. I thought I felt her push against me slightly, but I couldn’t be sure of it. I explained that I stayed with her the entire time, holding her hand and talking to her. I told her about the specialist and the decreasing brain function and the conversation I had with Charlie about saving her.
I didn’t want her to think I had any reservations about my decision, so I explained how I couldn’t imagine a world without her in it, that I no longer knew how to exist without her love, and that I didn’t really want to try. I told her how I wished I had her permission or, at the very least, her thoughts on the subject, but in the absence of either, I had to make the decision based on what I knew. We had a magical forever kind of love, one that connected us more deeply than most, and because I knew she understood that and wanted a future with me, that she wanted whatever sort of forever she could have with me, that I took it upon myself to move forward and save her from death. I explained that Charlie knew only obscure details but that he could remain in her new life. I hesitated when I began to tell her what that new life meant, unsure, and afraid of upsetting her.
I explained that ultimately what was happening to her was a result of my decision and then told her that she was just like me now - a vampire. I revealed that my venom had fixed the broken parts of her - her leg, her lungs, her brain - and that it would also change her body from human to undead, that she would have the same cold pale hard skin as me, and even the same topaz eyes eventually, if she chose my lifestyle. I disclosed that she would forever be frozen at seventeen - the same body, the same thoughts, and the same desires - and that by forever, I truly meant forever, that she was now immortal.
I confessed that she would look different when she saw her reflection, but confirmed that she was still exactly the same person inside, and every bit as beautiful as she always was. I explained the speed, and the strength and every little detail I could think of, regardless of how insignificant it seemed. She deserved to know it all; it was her life now.
There was a period in early afternoon where Bella was almost relaxed, like she was sleeping, but I knew it was the calm before the storm. As evening broke, so did Bella’s pain tolerance, and she screamed out. At first, it was simply just a loud, emotional, pain-ridden wail. Later, it was my name, begging for me to make the burning stop. I knew from experience that once the fiery pain began to recede from her extremities, the pain in her heart would climb exponentially. I didn’t blame her for crying out. I did my best to comfort her, for as little good as it did, but hopefully she knew she wasn’t alone.
I continued to talk, speaking softly into her ear in hopes of comforting her. I told her about my love of music, detailing my wall of CDs at home and the various genres they covered. I told her about playing the piano, explained how to read sheet music, and even a little bit about the piece I started to compose with her in mind, after the ski trip. I pledged to finish it for her when there was time, if she wanted me to.
The screaming continued, intensifying as the sun began to set. She was nearing the end. I could hear the differences in her heartbeat - faster, less steady and somehow louder. Then again, I was concentrating on the sound, trying to commit its cadence to memory. By and by, all it would be was a memory. I told her I could hear differences in her heartbeat, and promised that it would all be over soon, kissing her shoulder to seal my declaration. I was uncommonly relaxed, even with Bella’s screams, knowing her pain was drawing to a close. I’d let go of my apprehension that something had gone wrong since she’d found her voice. Now, I only needed to know if she’d forgive me for my decision.
Before long, her heart started beating so quickly that the sounds became almost indistinct, slamming into one another and overlapping. Bella retreated into silence once again, trying to deal with the unbearable pain she was suffering. It was then that her tiny hand curled around my index finger and held on. I gasped, in spite of being prepared for her transformation to be over. I’d been holding that tiny hand for days without a response, and I’d forgotten how much I needed her touch, too wrapped up in helping her to think of my own needs. Now that I had those perfect little fingers around mine, I needed more.
“That’s it,” I coaxed. “Hold on to me, Bella. I’m right here.”
She squeezed harder, not realizing her strength, and I marvelled at the force of her grasp. Gone was the feeble grip of her humanity, and, in its place, the overwhelming power of a newborn vampire. I didn’t even care that it hurt. If it helped her to feel better in even the smallest of ways, she was welcomed to whatever she needed.
I could feel her coming out of the pain; the strange electricity that passed between us had finally come back to life, surging and tingling with a new intensity. I was practically giddy with anticipation. She was almost mine again.
Bella traversed into her new life in the same manner she left her old one, in silence. I felt her body finally relax into mine, and heard the delicate swish as her eyes fluttered opened.
“Edward?”
Her voice was the sweetest deliverance I’d ever been granted.
I laughed lightly, too overjoyed to contain my reaction, and pressed my lips against her ear in a soft kiss. “I’m right here,” I murmured in assurance. I was sure she was disoriented and that her newly acquired senses seemed hyper acute and strange. “Welcome back. I’ve missed you so.”
She rolled to face me, curious and questioning, but most importantly, alive and responsive. Seeing her beautiful face reanimated was exhilarating and it took my breath away. I wondered how I ever allowed myself to be foolish enough to believe I could live without her.
“You’ve been through a lot in the last week, and I have a lot to tell you, but first, tell me how you’re feeling?”
For a moment, I thought perhaps she might be bewildered, her expression a mixture of awe and confusion.
“I know everything seems overwhelming right now, but you’ll adjust quickly, and I’ll be beside you every step of the way to answer your questions.”
I stared back at her, reverent and grateful, and gave her a moment for things to sink in.
“What’s this shit about you playing the piano?” she asked, surprised. She tried to keep a serious expression in place but her smirk betrayed her. “You’d think you’d have mentioned that before now.” Her smirk morphed into a smile, her beautiful pink lips curling and her rounded cheeks pushing back until her eyes were wrinkled and her whole face lit up. My Bella was back, and the whole world seemed brighter under the radiance of her smile.
A/N: Please review.