Forever & Ever - Final
Title: Forever & Ever (Miseinen Sequel)
Author: Zion Shadowlet
Beta: butterflysaga(the bitch)
Characters: Aoi, Uruha, Ruki, Reita, Kai and many OCs (Fuwa etc.)
Pairing: Aoi/Uruha and more~
Genre: Drama, Romance, Friendship, Comedy
Rating: NC17
Summary: Six years have passed since the summer at the Dazai Bright Future Retreat for Troubled Children. The boys meet in an unexpected way perhaps bound by fate in the underground world of Visual Kei. With broken hearts and promises; the boys-now young men look to regain some of what they lost by the wild and reckless pursuit of the same dream.
Previous Parts: Part 1.1 | Part 1.2 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4.1| Part 4.2| Part 5| Part 6| Part 7.1| Part 7.2| Part 8.1| Part 8.2| Part 9| Part 10| Part 11| Part 12| Part 13| Part 14| Part 15| Part 16| Part 17| Part 18| Part 19| Part 20| Part 21| Part 22| Part 23| Part 24| Part 25| Part 26| Part 27| Part 28| Part 29| Part 30.1| Part 30.2| Part 31| Part 32.1| Part 32.2| Part 33| Part 34| Part 35| Part 36| Part 37| Part 38| Part 39| Part 40| Part 41| Part 42| Part 43| Part 44| Part 45| Part 46
Dear D,
I’m glad to hear that you are well. And every little story you tell about your family, about the city you live in and your friends, are very interesting to me not only because what you do there is so different from here but because when I was reading your words and your stories, I could tell that you are happy even if things there are things that upset you at times. And I can tell that even though there is something here for you in Japan, the passion you have for the place you grew up could never compare. Do you know what I mean? I could tell in your words when you writing about the priest who slept out in the cold to protest the homelessness in your neighborhood. Your admiration for him is so strong that it made me grow excited. Or even when you were talking about the women who strut down the street in their tight clothing with the air of goddesses as they pass the young guys like yourself basking in the praise that is so easily laid on them. You’re right. It’s funny, the whole ritual but at the same time, there is something kinda beautiful about it too, isn’t there? Ruki often talks about being young like we are now and he talks about it in such a sad way as if he can see into the future. He is like that. He is a poet, you know.
But D, I want to tell you something. I want to be honest with you. At first, your letters would make me strangely sad and for the life of me, I couldn’t understand why. It was more than just missing you but I realized it was because you seem so happy in America with your family, without me and I couldn’t help but feel a bitter sense of envy and pain. The world you live in seem so far away. Perhaps, it is just the desire in me that makes me feel so lonesome and hungry. Without you here, I feel a restlessness like an aimless ghost. We play shows and the excitement is so high that it could make you explode. But when it’s over, its all traveling and work and practice. And even though it’s fun, I feel as if I’m trying to break myself. Don’t work so hard you tell me but you know, I have no choice, right? If there needs to be someone to push, I’ll push. If there needs to be someone to carry the load, I’ll carry it. This feeling you’re right isn’t a pure intention. I need to do it. I need to feel like I’m giving it my all. If I don’t, I don’t know… I don’t know I could forgive myself.
I remember a conversation I had years ago with Fuwa sitting in his office back at that old retreat your uncle worked at and he brought that up to me. He said it had to do with the fact that I was trying to fill in for my father. Maybe I was. But you know, D, I think it would have been great to have had a father. My mother was strong but she couldn’t fill that hole that was left inside of me knowing that he had left me. Even now, I stay up and wonder if he ever loved me and I just need to know just one thing, one instance when he showed that he cared about me and I know that for all my anger, I could easily let it all go if he showed up at my door now and said that he had been a kid when it all happened and that he wanted to start over. And for all the pain, I will let it all go for that one moment. It’s easy to talk about these things in letters. It so much harder to say it the words themselves but D, I know it’s almost corny to say this but isn’t that just how powerful love can be? Sometimes we live our whole lives just for that one tiny moment of love.
Yours truly,
Kai
November, 2002
-3 MONTHS EARLIER, August 20, 2002-
15 minutes until show time.
Reaching the end of the letter, whose words by now, he had almost memorized, Kai folded it back up and shoved it into his book bag. He paced the floor several times like a caged animal before going up to the set list pasted on the wall and running through the queues in his head for the tenth time.
Nervousness always sets in but not quite like this. He could hear the sound of the fans talking as the pre-show music played loudly, its melody snaking through their voices like a trail of smoke.
The crash of the door slamming behind Sakai as he entered with several cases of beer cradled in his arms made the young man jump with a start and then giggle nervously. The reasons for his anxiety were understandable. The band was already signed to a very small indie label but this show, Sakai had informed them that a bigger label’s scout was here to check them out.
“Here why don’t you have a drink?” The manager suggested almost tenderly as he relieved himself of the weight. “It might calm you down.”
“No, no,” he shook his head back and forth and smiled uncomfortably. “I don’t play well when I’ve had something to drink. I’m fine. Thanks.”
Seconds later, the same door swung open as Ruki, like a man on a mission crossed the floor with powerful confident strides. “You think you’re nervous. I was just told my dad is here.” His face seemed void of expression as he peered at his reflection and lifted up a long black stick of eyeliner and fixed his makeup. The action was almost defiant.
“Your dad?” Kai repeated as if he hadn’t heard him.
“Yeah,” he replied calmly. “For some reason the bastard is here.”
“Um…” he looked down and placed his hands on his waist as he searched his mind for something to say.
“Don’t bother,” Ruki cut in as if he could hear the wheels of his mind spinning. “Nothing is going to change. It’s just another show. If he wants to watch, fine. I don’t care.” But it was evident that he did care. His eyes fell away from the mirror and onto the table.
10 minutes.
“Well, you’re right,” Sakai nearly shouted. “Just go out there and Rock!” He made an awkward fist pump as he anxiously stole glances at the clock on the wall.
“Where are the other three?” Kai turned and asked.
“Reita last time I checked was still shifting through some of those fan letters and the other two, I rather not know at this point,” he folded his arms and chuckled only for his face to fall into a minor moment of disgust when he realized what his suggestion entailed.
“They wouldn’t!”
“Wouldn’t what?” Uruha asked as he strolled in with his guitar in his hand. He was completely dolled up with his hair pinned up high and his clothes, skimpy and effeminate. He still however walked like a gangly young boy.
“Nothing,” Kai sighed and glanced at Ruki nervously. “Hey,” he said to him in a low voice. “I know this is going to be hard for you but just make sure that you keep your passions in check.”
“Passions?” He looked up at him from under his eyelashes almost angrily. “This is a rock concert.”
“What I mean is, don’t let your feelings for your father dominate the performance.”
“What’s going on?” Uruha asked, sitting down on the sofa.
“Nothing,” Ruki quickly replied.
“Nothing?”
“My father is here.”
“Like your real father or are you talking about Fuwa?” Uruha titled his head innocently but the look that was returned to him was almost murderous.
“Fuwa isn’t my fucking father!” Soon, the room was filled with awkward silence as the other three, Kai, Uruha and Sakai stared at the small angry young man.
The tenseness grew more palpable as Aoi, sauntering in happily cooed and sang: “Ohhhh~ Look at my BEAUTIFUL Babbyyyy,” he did a cute sway of the hips and went to embrace Uruha. “Looking like a pretty little sex kitten!”
Awkwardly, his lover weakly mewed in reply. He however, was still feeling strange from Ruki’s sudden burst of anger.
“Eh?” Aoi scanned the faces of the others. “What’s going on?”
“Um, well…” Kai sighed and rested his hands on his small waist. “Ruki’s dad is here to see the performance.”
Cutting in with a low and serious voice, Ruki said “Guys…I need to tell you all something.” They stared at him with an almost fearful anticipation. “Me and Fuwa, there’s uh…” He looked up with the same defiant look in his eyes. “Me and him, we’re together.”
“Like a couple?” Kai was nearly speechless.
“Mhm,” Ruki nodded.
Silence.
5 minutes.
“Isn’t… wait… uh…” Aoi wasn’t sure what he wanted to say but realizing that it wasn’t his place, quickly went quiet and stared at the floor.
Uruha however, broke the tenseness that had mounted to an almost unbearable extreme. “Okay,” he said innocently. “I’m sorry. I never paid much attention to your relationship,” he nodded and then fixing the alignment on his garter belt, finished “I’m happy for you.”
“Thank you, Uruha,” Ruki replied.
“Mhm. Aoi,” he turned to him as if the event had been of minor consequence. “Let’s go get our guitars.”
“Uhhhh…” he hummed silently confused by the sudden change. “Yeah, let’s go do that,” he replied as he followed him out of the dressing room.
After the two lovers retreated out to the dark hallway, the room was again immersed in a thick silence. “Ruki,” Kai said in a soft voice. “You don’t have to be angry or defensive. We all care about you and we will do anything for you.”
With an amused smirk that seemed almost out of nowhere, Ruki cut in and asked “Like go to Antartica to play rock to the penguins with me?”
“Huh?” his friend was a bit taken aback. But watching Ruki laughing, a sense of relief overwhelmed him. “Yeah, sure. You tread on ahead and I’ll push up from the rear. Wherever, whenever.”
The two young men stared at each other. A promise had been made.
2 Minutes.
“Well, no more time to waste,” Sakai cut in. “It’s almost Showtime.”
***
-July 18, 2002-
By the time they carried Miwa to bed, her arms draped over the broad shoulders of her son and that of his lover, the night had almost faded into morning. They had stayed up into the late hours sharing stories and drinks until Uruha, pulling out his guitar, started to strum a soft and beautiful song not unlike a lullaby. She smiled to herself and rested her weary head on the table and listened as the young man plucked the strings, his eyes resting on Aoi’s face without any reservations, staring at him as if there was nothing peculiar about it, as if there was nothing to hide between them. At first, Aoi smiled bashfully and looked away, unable to bare the intensity of his gaze only to lift up his own eyes and stare back at him. Something vulnerable about staring straight into someone’s eyes. Nothing to be afraid of, Aoi, he told himself. He loves you.
“I didn’t think you two would get along so well,” Aoi whispered to Uruha as they quietly exited the room and softly shut the door behind them.
“We have a lot in common.”
Aoi chuckled inaudibly in response. “Who would have thought.”
“Let’s go somewhere, not here,” Uruha pressed his forehead against Aoi’s. “Maybe back to where I live, somewhere where we can be alone without your mom around.”
“It’s almost 4 in the morning, baby,” Aoi smiled and pecked him on the lips.
“So…”
“You want to take advantage of me sexually, don’t you?” Aoi giggled and playfully poked at his sides. “You pervert.”
“I do,” Uruha smiled his baby smile and suddenly kissed Aoi deeply. In the quiet of early morning, in the soft blue glow that flowed in like ocean water into the dimly lit room, the moment bore an ethereal significance between them.
“I want this,” Aoi said softly and threw his arms around Uruha. “This is what it means to be happy,” he said as he closed his eyes.
“You have this.”
“But you know baby. I want this forever. I want to wake up next you. I want to hear you blare Slipknot at 9 in the morning as you take a shower. I want to play guitar with you and watch you put on eyeliner.” With his arms tightly around him, he swayed the two of them back and forth. “I want to watch you hover over your food and eat like an unmannered 10 year old-God forbid you are eating Udon and it falls out of your mouth and you get it all over the place!,” he quickly pecked him on the forehead as if apologizing for what could have been taken as an insult. “Annnnndddd, I want to stay up late with you, drinking like a bunch of idiots. I want to go to bed with you and hold you. Kiss you. Make love to you. Fall asleep next to you and wake up to your creepy beautiful face hovering over me.”
“Creepy?” He buried his face into Aoi’s chest.
“It’s creepy,” Aoi smiled and laughed. “Even more creepy when you have X Japan on. I love them but waking up to someone staring at you with Rusty Nail in the background is just strange.”
“I love you baby but,” Uruha mumbled against the warm soft surface of Aoi’s shirt. “You talk too much. You talk a lot.”
“You should hear yourself when you get going.”
“It’s sweet and it makes me feel good when you talk like that but I just want to go somewhere and have sex if that’s okay with you.”
“So you are telling me to shut up?” Aoi smiled and squeezed his lover tightly.
“Yeah. Shut up.”
***
July 21, 2002
“So why did you come to see me?” Fuwa asked staring across from the surface of the clean wooden kitchen table in the late afternoon day. The windows were open and the sound of the leaves bustling in the warm breeze of summer and the children playing in the nearby park entered the room as if unified, as if the sound itself were a person in the room with them.
“I wanted to talk to you about Ruki,” Reita nodded and looked down at the tea before him.
“Okay.”
“You remember when we talked that one time back at the retreat?”
“We talked many times Reita.”
“It was when all the boys were saying goodbye to you and you leaned forward and you whispered into my ear and told me to look after him.”
Fuwa with a slow nod told the young man that he remembered. “You wanted to talk about that?”
He didn’t deliberate. “I know about you and him. And I don’t know what really to think about it but you know, it’s not my place to say anything… what I mean is… Judging is useless right? I don’t like it when people judge. Nobody really has the right, no matter what… you know. But…I just,” he took a deep breath. “I wanted to say the same to you that you said to me then. Please look after him. Please take care of him. He tends to think that he is bigger than he is-I mean, Ruki is larger than life. He’s…amazing, really. No matter how many times people tell him that that they are in awe of him, I don’t think it really sinks in but at the same time, his heart is so big, he gets hurt so easily, you know? He doesn’t shy away. He’s brave really, putting himself out there like he does….” His eyes were resting on the calm surface of the hot tea water as he spoke. “I just want you to promise me that you will look after him, that you will protect him.”
“You don’t have to worry Reita.”
“You love him, a lot don’t you?”
“I do.”
“I do too,” he finally raised his eyes to his. “I just want the little shit to be happy.”
Fuwa didn’t say anything. At first, the look in his eyes was almost dreamy. Finally after staring at the earnest face of the young man across from him, he smiled sweetly and nodded once more.
***
August 20, 2012
The voice that called out to him made him freeze on the spot and stand there as if he had stepped into quick sand. His breath was momentarily stolen away from him and the air grew heavy and thick in that tight hallway that led out into the stage whose walls were littered with the new and old record ads of other visual kei bands. Beside them, humorous cartoons and profanities were scribbled by all the hands of those who had walked down that very hall before him. A thought crossed his mind that he was stepping out passed a threshold that was both real and symbolic.
How many other musicians have taken these steps? How many of these have come to pray at the altar of this elusive thing that is rock and roll, searching for some fleeting sensation of freedom and exaltation. Before him, there were hundreds of fans screaming in anticipation, the multicolored lights and his brothers in arms, all awaiting the arrival of the final man to step onstage. But behind him, a voice called, beckoning him to turn around and look back. A fear overcame him. It coursed through him like pure instinct. And it told him to run forward and not look back.
“Takanori,” the voice called out again.
Don’t look back. Take that step and walk out on stage. There is nothing behind you. Nothing in your past that you need now.
“Taka-chan, please.”
Why is he here?
Pull yourself together.
“Please.”
Follow your fear, Ruki, he said to himself. That’s what it means to be not be a child anymore. Slowly, he stood up straight as he gathered his strength and turned around. His father stood there alone, across from him and as soon as his eyes laid upon the painted face of his son, his expression that Ruki had always remembered to be emotionless and austere grew soft and tender. “Dad,” he said. His voice broke as he spoke. The young man looked down ashamed with the realization that his love for him could easily dismantle his cool demeanor. There really was no one else that had such an effect on him.
“I know you don’t have much time to talk.” His father’s voice was strong and bold and filled with this masculinity and resolve that Ruki had always envied and looked up to. “I have been looking for you for a long time and then one your friends told me you were doing this,” he took a breath and continued. “I saw your show last night, that’s how I knew to find you here. I just wanted to talk to you.”
He was too afraid to hear his father’s words about what he had seen. “They’re calling for me, dad,” he said with his eyes still on the floor, unable to look up. And he was right. The crowd unable to contain their impatience anymore started to chant his name and he could hear Reita on the microphone, playfully egging them on, unaware of what was keeping him.
“I know, Taka-chan,” he took a deep breath. “I just wanted to say that I am proud of you and that I was wrong about this. I can tell that this is what you really want and where you belong.” Ruki finally looked up. His eyes, wide and innocent gazed upon the face of his father. There really was no one else who had such an effect on him. No one else whose words had meant so much. “They love you,” he gestured to the stage. “And I know I don’t say this often but, there’s a lot of things I regret and there have been so many mistakes but me and your mother, we both love you. Don’t forget it.” He looked down embarrassed. All his life, he had hardly spoken those simple words and their honesty was almost more than the proud man could bear. But he nodded and gathered up his strength and raised his eyes back to his son’s face.
“Thank you dad,” he smiled. “I love you too.”
***
July 18, 2002
Uruha’s naked body glowed in the morning light as if it were made of something magical. Aoi, love sick watched him in the door way, two mugs of steaming coffee in his hands, thinking crazy thoughts. He looked like a porcelain statue, reclining as he absentmindedly chipped the paint off the windowsill with his thumb nail. Perhaps what was so beautiful about it was how comfortable he was lying there, exposed and yet without a care in the world. All that concerned him was the loose flakes of paint and Aoi’s return.
He soon grew aware of his presence and turned his pretty head to him with expectant and excited eyes. “Coffffff-eeee,” he said humorously and reached out as if he were a starving zombie. He laughed thinking himself funny. “Tequila, Sex and Coffee,” he pouted his bottom lip happily and nodded as Aoi handed him his mug. Sounding like a ten year old boy at an amusement park, he asserted “Best day ever.”
“Not missing anything?” Aoi smiled. He had meant to sound as if he were making a joke but the emotion was clear in his voice and Uruha looking up could see the vulnerability in his eyes.
“We should put some Aion on. Remember we played that at that party we had at the retreat. The one where you kissed Kai.” With increments, he scouted himself closer to Aoi.
“Aion! Oh yeah, I remember,” he laughed only to be interrupted by an unexpected kiss.
Uruha pulled away and with a sudden burst of energy that was strange for a man with the nature of a sloth, he set his mug down and marched over to the radio where he pressed play. Aoi realizing that the CD was already in the machine, smiled to himself amused as the Japanese heavy metal pierced through the serene air of an early summer morning.
Only Uruha.
“I think I’m going to buy a pedometer later,” he said randomly, sitting back down.
“A what?”
“A pedometer. Counts how many steps you make. I’m going to start jogging.”
“Oh, I see. Well, I’m too lazy for that.”
“You should jog with me.”
“Baby, I’m gay for you but not that gay,” Aoi chuckled. “What’s next? Matching clothes? Fuck that.” He took a sip of his coffee.
“Yeah, that would just be embarrassing.”
Aoi put his mug aside and leaned forward and softly and tenderly kissed Uruha on the lips. He cooed between kisses “So, pedometer and then what? What else do we have for today?”
“I learned how to make an origami heart. I can show you.”
“Okay, baby,” he pulled the mug out of Uruha’s hands and set it aside. “Let’s do that,” he moaned as he pushed Uruha down on his back and crawled on top of him.
“And then video games,” Uruha smiled.
Barely listening, Aoi moaned “Mhm,” as he lowered his head and suckled on his lover’s small pink nipple.
“Then, spaghetti.”
Ignoring him, Aoi let a deep and erotic purr. “Mmmmm….You know what I love?” he looked up at him seductively.
“What?” Uruha grinned so happily that he looked for a moment almost like a young child.
His heart fluttered inside of his chest as if this were the first time. But it always felt like the first time. Aoi smirked and replied “Ducky Baby” before biting down gently on that tiny bud. Uruha’s cute and awkward laughter washed over him as if it were made of the stuff of happiness.
***
Nothing compares to it. Nothing compares to the high of the crowd. Nothing compares to the music as it pulses through your body like a wave.
Nothing compares to it. It’s like flying or falling backwards into an endlessness where death and pain are far away.
And as soon as the song ended, he was brought back to reality. With his eyes closed, he was looking out at the Milky Way but as soon as he opened them, hundreds of tightly packed fans stared back at him with sweaty faces and smiles.
The encore was already half way through. And the music faded into a buzz and the sound of the fans screaming hummed around him as if it were a natural element like water or electricity or air. “That was beautiful,” he said into the microphone and smiled knowing that he was adorable and that the fans couldn’t resist his bubbly charm. The girls awwed and he looked away bashfully, one hand holding the cheap microphone, taped up with duct tape, the other hand, unconsciously rearranging the strands of his hair. “You know,” he purred as he began to collect his thoughts. Without his knowledge, Reita and Aoi exchanged knowing smirks. All of his tortuously long MCs started off with a phrase like that. “You know…” “I have something to say…” “A lot of people have been talking…” Something along those lines.
Kai took a deep breath and stared down at the surface of the drum nestled between his legs. Time for a Ruki lecture.
“Can you quiet down? I have something to say.” Ruki smiled cutely. Aoi resting his hand on his waist smirked and shook his head. “There have been rumors. I’m sure you guys know about them.” The fans let out a loud EHHHHHHHH before Ruki deliberately making his cheeks even bubblier continued “They say that we are being visited by some very important people….” Laughter and giggles. Everyone in the crowd by then had known that watching from a far was the President of the well known visual kei label Peace & Smile there to scout out the boys. They all turned around to see her standing there with a smile, looking up at the young man who pretended not to see her. “Hm,” he hummed as he looked up, his eyes directed at the stage lights. Already the tone of his speech had shifted and in the back of his mind, he saw the face of his father suddenly kind and he remembered the words that he had heard not too long ago in that long hallway. Inside of him, his love overflowed and his joy gripped at his heart and he felt as if he could explode.
“All of this seems to have happened so quickly. Us being here. All of you being here. It has happened so fast that I can hardly believe it. Only months ago, there was no one here to see us…I know I speak for the others when I say that it means so much to us that you come to hear us play…hm…” he purred again as he thought and looked down at his hand. The crowd around him had gone silent and in that moment when there were no sounds a fan calling out from the back screamed “We love you!” and Ruki giggled and looked back up.
“Time goes by so quickly,” he went on. And the smile faded into a thoughtful expression tinged with the realization of the bittersweetness of his thoughts. “For so long, I never had anywhere to go. I was just running to some place. Who knows where… But, when I am here with all of you and with my band members, I feel I have found something that I don’t want to let go of. I hope we can be friends like this forever and ever. I don’t care if we ever get signed or how much money we make. As long as we are together…that’s what matters…” He placed a hand on his waist and glanced back up at the ceiling.
“It took me a long time to realize that….hmm….to realize that that is all that matters and that all those other things don’t. Life is unpredictable. Our time on this planet, in this life is short and we shouldn’t waste it being angry or forceful… Now, I don’t want to get into any details but I know that we all have felt regret and loneliness…And I don’t want to live like that. I don’t want you all to live like that…mhm….” He smiled sweetly and nodded. He wanted to find the strength in himself to say he was sorry to his father. He was listening somewhere he knew but he was unable to say the words. He looked down and admitting in a small voice “I’m not the person I want to be yet…. I’m not the person that can easily admit their wrongs. I’m not the person that can easily forgive….But I want to be…. Why do I talk to you all like this tonight?” He giggled as he suddenly realized how out of place his speech may have seemed but the fans listening, laughed and all about began to shout out tender protestations. “We love you.” “We care!” “You’re a good person, Ruki!”
“I will just say one more thing!” he lifted up a finger and began to laugh. Already his speech had gone on for longer than scheduled. “I want to do this for as long as I can with these guys next to me and with you all….oh and,” and almost as if he had timed it, he added a cute “I love you.” And as soon as those words escaped his mouth, the girls went crazy, screaming and cheering. “Alright. Alright. Alright.” He giggled waving his hand about as if he were trying to playfully shoo them away. “That’s enough talking! Now, let’s get back to Rock.”
Author: Zion Shadowlet
Beta: butterflysaga(the bitch)
Characters: Aoi, Uruha, Ruki, Reita, Kai and many OCs (Fuwa etc.)
Pairing: Aoi/Uruha and more~
Genre: Drama, Romance, Friendship, Comedy
Rating: NC17
Summary: Six years have passed since the summer at the Dazai Bright Future Retreat for Troubled Children. The boys meet in an unexpected way perhaps bound by fate in the underground world of Visual Kei. With broken hearts and promises; the boys-now young men look to regain some of what they lost by the wild and reckless pursuit of the same dream.
Previous Parts: Part 1.1 | Part 1.2 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4.1| Part 4.2| Part 5| Part 6| Part 7.1| Part 7.2| Part 8.1| Part 8.2| Part 9| Part 10| Part 11| Part 12| Part 13| Part 14| Part 15| Part 16| Part 17| Part 18| Part 19| Part 20| Part 21| Part 22| Part 23| Part 24| Part 25| Part 26| Part 27| Part 28| Part 29| Part 30.1| Part 30.2| Part 31| Part 32.1| Part 32.2| Part 33| Part 34| Part 35| Part 36| Part 37| Part 38| Part 39| Part 40| Part 41| Part 42| Part 43| Part 44| Part 45| Part 46
Dear D,
I’m glad to hear that you are well. And every little story you tell about your family, about the city you live in and your friends, are very interesting to me not only because what you do there is so different from here but because when I was reading your words and your stories, I could tell that you are happy even if things there are things that upset you at times. And I can tell that even though there is something here for you in Japan, the passion you have for the place you grew up could never compare. Do you know what I mean? I could tell in your words when you writing about the priest who slept out in the cold to protest the homelessness in your neighborhood. Your admiration for him is so strong that it made me grow excited. Or even when you were talking about the women who strut down the street in their tight clothing with the air of goddesses as they pass the young guys like yourself basking in the praise that is so easily laid on them. You’re right. It’s funny, the whole ritual but at the same time, there is something kinda beautiful about it too, isn’t there? Ruki often talks about being young like we are now and he talks about it in such a sad way as if he can see into the future. He is like that. He is a poet, you know.
But D, I want to tell you something. I want to be honest with you. At first, your letters would make me strangely sad and for the life of me, I couldn’t understand why. It was more than just missing you but I realized it was because you seem so happy in America with your family, without me and I couldn’t help but feel a bitter sense of envy and pain. The world you live in seem so far away. Perhaps, it is just the desire in me that makes me feel so lonesome and hungry. Without you here, I feel a restlessness like an aimless ghost. We play shows and the excitement is so high that it could make you explode. But when it’s over, its all traveling and work and practice. And even though it’s fun, I feel as if I’m trying to break myself. Don’t work so hard you tell me but you know, I have no choice, right? If there needs to be someone to push, I’ll push. If there needs to be someone to carry the load, I’ll carry it. This feeling you’re right isn’t a pure intention. I need to do it. I need to feel like I’m giving it my all. If I don’t, I don’t know… I don’t know I could forgive myself.
I remember a conversation I had years ago with Fuwa sitting in his office back at that old retreat your uncle worked at and he brought that up to me. He said it had to do with the fact that I was trying to fill in for my father. Maybe I was. But you know, D, I think it would have been great to have had a father. My mother was strong but she couldn’t fill that hole that was left inside of me knowing that he had left me. Even now, I stay up and wonder if he ever loved me and I just need to know just one thing, one instance when he showed that he cared about me and I know that for all my anger, I could easily let it all go if he showed up at my door now and said that he had been a kid when it all happened and that he wanted to start over. And for all the pain, I will let it all go for that one moment. It’s easy to talk about these things in letters. It so much harder to say it the words themselves but D, I know it’s almost corny to say this but isn’t that just how powerful love can be? Sometimes we live our whole lives just for that one tiny moment of love.
Yours truly,
Kai
November, 2002
-3 MONTHS EARLIER, August 20, 2002-
15 minutes until show time.
Reaching the end of the letter, whose words by now, he had almost memorized, Kai folded it back up and shoved it into his book bag. He paced the floor several times like a caged animal before going up to the set list pasted on the wall and running through the queues in his head for the tenth time.
Nervousness always sets in but not quite like this. He could hear the sound of the fans talking as the pre-show music played loudly, its melody snaking through their voices like a trail of smoke.
The crash of the door slamming behind Sakai as he entered with several cases of beer cradled in his arms made the young man jump with a start and then giggle nervously. The reasons for his anxiety were understandable. The band was already signed to a very small indie label but this show, Sakai had informed them that a bigger label’s scout was here to check them out.
“Here why don’t you have a drink?” The manager suggested almost tenderly as he relieved himself of the weight. “It might calm you down.”
“No, no,” he shook his head back and forth and smiled uncomfortably. “I don’t play well when I’ve had something to drink. I’m fine. Thanks.”
Seconds later, the same door swung open as Ruki, like a man on a mission crossed the floor with powerful confident strides. “You think you’re nervous. I was just told my dad is here.” His face seemed void of expression as he peered at his reflection and lifted up a long black stick of eyeliner and fixed his makeup. The action was almost defiant.
“Your dad?” Kai repeated as if he hadn’t heard him.
“Yeah,” he replied calmly. “For some reason the bastard is here.”
“Um…” he looked down and placed his hands on his waist as he searched his mind for something to say.
“Don’t bother,” Ruki cut in as if he could hear the wheels of his mind spinning. “Nothing is going to change. It’s just another show. If he wants to watch, fine. I don’t care.” But it was evident that he did care. His eyes fell away from the mirror and onto the table.
10 minutes.
“Well, you’re right,” Sakai nearly shouted. “Just go out there and Rock!” He made an awkward fist pump as he anxiously stole glances at the clock on the wall.
“Where are the other three?” Kai turned and asked.
“Reita last time I checked was still shifting through some of those fan letters and the other two, I rather not know at this point,” he folded his arms and chuckled only for his face to fall into a minor moment of disgust when he realized what his suggestion entailed.
“They wouldn’t!”
“Wouldn’t what?” Uruha asked as he strolled in with his guitar in his hand. He was completely dolled up with his hair pinned up high and his clothes, skimpy and effeminate. He still however walked like a gangly young boy.
“Nothing,” Kai sighed and glanced at Ruki nervously. “Hey,” he said to him in a low voice. “I know this is going to be hard for you but just make sure that you keep your passions in check.”
“Passions?” He looked up at him from under his eyelashes almost angrily. “This is a rock concert.”
“What I mean is, don’t let your feelings for your father dominate the performance.”
“What’s going on?” Uruha asked, sitting down on the sofa.
“Nothing,” Ruki quickly replied.
“Nothing?”
“My father is here.”
“Like your real father or are you talking about Fuwa?” Uruha titled his head innocently but the look that was returned to him was almost murderous.
“Fuwa isn’t my fucking father!” Soon, the room was filled with awkward silence as the other three, Kai, Uruha and Sakai stared at the small angry young man.
The tenseness grew more palpable as Aoi, sauntering in happily cooed and sang: “Ohhhh~ Look at my BEAUTIFUL Babbyyyy,” he did a cute sway of the hips and went to embrace Uruha. “Looking like a pretty little sex kitten!”
Awkwardly, his lover weakly mewed in reply. He however, was still feeling strange from Ruki’s sudden burst of anger.
“Eh?” Aoi scanned the faces of the others. “What’s going on?”
“Um, well…” Kai sighed and rested his hands on his small waist. “Ruki’s dad is here to see the performance.”
Cutting in with a low and serious voice, Ruki said “Guys…I need to tell you all something.” They stared at him with an almost fearful anticipation. “Me and Fuwa, there’s uh…” He looked up with the same defiant look in his eyes. “Me and him, we’re together.”
“Like a couple?” Kai was nearly speechless.
“Mhm,” Ruki nodded.
Silence.
5 minutes.
“Isn’t… wait… uh…” Aoi wasn’t sure what he wanted to say but realizing that it wasn’t his place, quickly went quiet and stared at the floor.
Uruha however, broke the tenseness that had mounted to an almost unbearable extreme. “Okay,” he said innocently. “I’m sorry. I never paid much attention to your relationship,” he nodded and then fixing the alignment on his garter belt, finished “I’m happy for you.”
“Thank you, Uruha,” Ruki replied.
“Mhm. Aoi,” he turned to him as if the event had been of minor consequence. “Let’s go get our guitars.”
“Uhhhh…” he hummed silently confused by the sudden change. “Yeah, let’s go do that,” he replied as he followed him out of the dressing room.
After the two lovers retreated out to the dark hallway, the room was again immersed in a thick silence. “Ruki,” Kai said in a soft voice. “You don’t have to be angry or defensive. We all care about you and we will do anything for you.”
With an amused smirk that seemed almost out of nowhere, Ruki cut in and asked “Like go to Antartica to play rock to the penguins with me?”
“Huh?” his friend was a bit taken aback. But watching Ruki laughing, a sense of relief overwhelmed him. “Yeah, sure. You tread on ahead and I’ll push up from the rear. Wherever, whenever.”
The two young men stared at each other. A promise had been made.
2 Minutes.
“Well, no more time to waste,” Sakai cut in. “It’s almost Showtime.”
***
-July 18, 2002-
By the time they carried Miwa to bed, her arms draped over the broad shoulders of her son and that of his lover, the night had almost faded into morning. They had stayed up into the late hours sharing stories and drinks until Uruha, pulling out his guitar, started to strum a soft and beautiful song not unlike a lullaby. She smiled to herself and rested her weary head on the table and listened as the young man plucked the strings, his eyes resting on Aoi’s face without any reservations, staring at him as if there was nothing peculiar about it, as if there was nothing to hide between them. At first, Aoi smiled bashfully and looked away, unable to bare the intensity of his gaze only to lift up his own eyes and stare back at him. Something vulnerable about staring straight into someone’s eyes. Nothing to be afraid of, Aoi, he told himself. He loves you.
“I didn’t think you two would get along so well,” Aoi whispered to Uruha as they quietly exited the room and softly shut the door behind them.
“We have a lot in common.”
Aoi chuckled inaudibly in response. “Who would have thought.”
“Let’s go somewhere, not here,” Uruha pressed his forehead against Aoi’s. “Maybe back to where I live, somewhere where we can be alone without your mom around.”
“It’s almost 4 in the morning, baby,” Aoi smiled and pecked him on the lips.
“So…”
“You want to take advantage of me sexually, don’t you?” Aoi giggled and playfully poked at his sides. “You pervert.”
“I do,” Uruha smiled his baby smile and suddenly kissed Aoi deeply. In the quiet of early morning, in the soft blue glow that flowed in like ocean water into the dimly lit room, the moment bore an ethereal significance between them.
“I want this,” Aoi said softly and threw his arms around Uruha. “This is what it means to be happy,” he said as he closed his eyes.
“You have this.”
“But you know baby. I want this forever. I want to wake up next you. I want to hear you blare Slipknot at 9 in the morning as you take a shower. I want to play guitar with you and watch you put on eyeliner.” With his arms tightly around him, he swayed the two of them back and forth. “I want to watch you hover over your food and eat like an unmannered 10 year old-God forbid you are eating Udon and it falls out of your mouth and you get it all over the place!,” he quickly pecked him on the forehead as if apologizing for what could have been taken as an insult. “Annnnndddd, I want to stay up late with you, drinking like a bunch of idiots. I want to go to bed with you and hold you. Kiss you. Make love to you. Fall asleep next to you and wake up to your creepy beautiful face hovering over me.”
“Creepy?” He buried his face into Aoi’s chest.
“It’s creepy,” Aoi smiled and laughed. “Even more creepy when you have X Japan on. I love them but waking up to someone staring at you with Rusty Nail in the background is just strange.”
“I love you baby but,” Uruha mumbled against the warm soft surface of Aoi’s shirt. “You talk too much. You talk a lot.”
“You should hear yourself when you get going.”
“It’s sweet and it makes me feel good when you talk like that but I just want to go somewhere and have sex if that’s okay with you.”
“So you are telling me to shut up?” Aoi smiled and squeezed his lover tightly.
“Yeah. Shut up.”
***
July 21, 2002
“So why did you come to see me?” Fuwa asked staring across from the surface of the clean wooden kitchen table in the late afternoon day. The windows were open and the sound of the leaves bustling in the warm breeze of summer and the children playing in the nearby park entered the room as if unified, as if the sound itself were a person in the room with them.
“I wanted to talk to you about Ruki,” Reita nodded and looked down at the tea before him.
“Okay.”
“You remember when we talked that one time back at the retreat?”
“We talked many times Reita.”
“It was when all the boys were saying goodbye to you and you leaned forward and you whispered into my ear and told me to look after him.”
Fuwa with a slow nod told the young man that he remembered. “You wanted to talk about that?”
He didn’t deliberate. “I know about you and him. And I don’t know what really to think about it but you know, it’s not my place to say anything… what I mean is… Judging is useless right? I don’t like it when people judge. Nobody really has the right, no matter what… you know. But…I just,” he took a deep breath. “I wanted to say the same to you that you said to me then. Please look after him. Please take care of him. He tends to think that he is bigger than he is-I mean, Ruki is larger than life. He’s…amazing, really. No matter how many times people tell him that that they are in awe of him, I don’t think it really sinks in but at the same time, his heart is so big, he gets hurt so easily, you know? He doesn’t shy away. He’s brave really, putting himself out there like he does….” His eyes were resting on the calm surface of the hot tea water as he spoke. “I just want you to promise me that you will look after him, that you will protect him.”
“You don’t have to worry Reita.”
“You love him, a lot don’t you?”
“I do.”
“I do too,” he finally raised his eyes to his. “I just want the little shit to be happy.”
Fuwa didn’t say anything. At first, the look in his eyes was almost dreamy. Finally after staring at the earnest face of the young man across from him, he smiled sweetly and nodded once more.
***
August 20, 2012
The voice that called out to him made him freeze on the spot and stand there as if he had stepped into quick sand. His breath was momentarily stolen away from him and the air grew heavy and thick in that tight hallway that led out into the stage whose walls were littered with the new and old record ads of other visual kei bands. Beside them, humorous cartoons and profanities were scribbled by all the hands of those who had walked down that very hall before him. A thought crossed his mind that he was stepping out passed a threshold that was both real and symbolic.
How many other musicians have taken these steps? How many of these have come to pray at the altar of this elusive thing that is rock and roll, searching for some fleeting sensation of freedom and exaltation. Before him, there were hundreds of fans screaming in anticipation, the multicolored lights and his brothers in arms, all awaiting the arrival of the final man to step onstage. But behind him, a voice called, beckoning him to turn around and look back. A fear overcame him. It coursed through him like pure instinct. And it told him to run forward and not look back.
“Takanori,” the voice called out again.
Don’t look back. Take that step and walk out on stage. There is nothing behind you. Nothing in your past that you need now.
“Taka-chan, please.”
Why is he here?
Pull yourself together.
“Please.”
Follow your fear, Ruki, he said to himself. That’s what it means to be not be a child anymore. Slowly, he stood up straight as he gathered his strength and turned around. His father stood there alone, across from him and as soon as his eyes laid upon the painted face of his son, his expression that Ruki had always remembered to be emotionless and austere grew soft and tender. “Dad,” he said. His voice broke as he spoke. The young man looked down ashamed with the realization that his love for him could easily dismantle his cool demeanor. There really was no one else that had such an effect on him.
“I know you don’t have much time to talk.” His father’s voice was strong and bold and filled with this masculinity and resolve that Ruki had always envied and looked up to. “I have been looking for you for a long time and then one your friends told me you were doing this,” he took a breath and continued. “I saw your show last night, that’s how I knew to find you here. I just wanted to talk to you.”
He was too afraid to hear his father’s words about what he had seen. “They’re calling for me, dad,” he said with his eyes still on the floor, unable to look up. And he was right. The crowd unable to contain their impatience anymore started to chant his name and he could hear Reita on the microphone, playfully egging them on, unaware of what was keeping him.
“I know, Taka-chan,” he took a deep breath. “I just wanted to say that I am proud of you and that I was wrong about this. I can tell that this is what you really want and where you belong.” Ruki finally looked up. His eyes, wide and innocent gazed upon the face of his father. There really was no one else who had such an effect on him. No one else whose words had meant so much. “They love you,” he gestured to the stage. “And I know I don’t say this often but, there’s a lot of things I regret and there have been so many mistakes but me and your mother, we both love you. Don’t forget it.” He looked down embarrassed. All his life, he had hardly spoken those simple words and their honesty was almost more than the proud man could bear. But he nodded and gathered up his strength and raised his eyes back to his son’s face.
“Thank you dad,” he smiled. “I love you too.”
***
July 18, 2002
Uruha’s naked body glowed in the morning light as if it were made of something magical. Aoi, love sick watched him in the door way, two mugs of steaming coffee in his hands, thinking crazy thoughts. He looked like a porcelain statue, reclining as he absentmindedly chipped the paint off the windowsill with his thumb nail. Perhaps what was so beautiful about it was how comfortable he was lying there, exposed and yet without a care in the world. All that concerned him was the loose flakes of paint and Aoi’s return.
He soon grew aware of his presence and turned his pretty head to him with expectant and excited eyes. “Coffffff-eeee,” he said humorously and reached out as if he were a starving zombie. He laughed thinking himself funny. “Tequila, Sex and Coffee,” he pouted his bottom lip happily and nodded as Aoi handed him his mug. Sounding like a ten year old boy at an amusement park, he asserted “Best day ever.”
“Not missing anything?” Aoi smiled. He had meant to sound as if he were making a joke but the emotion was clear in his voice and Uruha looking up could see the vulnerability in his eyes.
“We should put some Aion on. Remember we played that at that party we had at the retreat. The one where you kissed Kai.” With increments, he scouted himself closer to Aoi.
“Aion! Oh yeah, I remember,” he laughed only to be interrupted by an unexpected kiss.
Uruha pulled away and with a sudden burst of energy that was strange for a man with the nature of a sloth, he set his mug down and marched over to the radio where he pressed play. Aoi realizing that the CD was already in the machine, smiled to himself amused as the Japanese heavy metal pierced through the serene air of an early summer morning.
Only Uruha.
“I think I’m going to buy a pedometer later,” he said randomly, sitting back down.
“A what?”
“A pedometer. Counts how many steps you make. I’m going to start jogging.”
“Oh, I see. Well, I’m too lazy for that.”
“You should jog with me.”
“Baby, I’m gay for you but not that gay,” Aoi chuckled. “What’s next? Matching clothes? Fuck that.” He took a sip of his coffee.
“Yeah, that would just be embarrassing.”
Aoi put his mug aside and leaned forward and softly and tenderly kissed Uruha on the lips. He cooed between kisses “So, pedometer and then what? What else do we have for today?”
“I learned how to make an origami heart. I can show you.”
“Okay, baby,” he pulled the mug out of Uruha’s hands and set it aside. “Let’s do that,” he moaned as he pushed Uruha down on his back and crawled on top of him.
“And then video games,” Uruha smiled.
Barely listening, Aoi moaned “Mhm,” as he lowered his head and suckled on his lover’s small pink nipple.
“Then, spaghetti.”
Ignoring him, Aoi let a deep and erotic purr. “Mmmmm….You know what I love?” he looked up at him seductively.
“What?” Uruha grinned so happily that he looked for a moment almost like a young child.
His heart fluttered inside of his chest as if this were the first time. But it always felt like the first time. Aoi smirked and replied “Ducky Baby” before biting down gently on that tiny bud. Uruha’s cute and awkward laughter washed over him as if it were made of the stuff of happiness.
***
Nothing compares to it. Nothing compares to the high of the crowd. Nothing compares to the music as it pulses through your body like a wave.
Nothing compares to it. It’s like flying or falling backwards into an endlessness where death and pain are far away.
And as soon as the song ended, he was brought back to reality. With his eyes closed, he was looking out at the Milky Way but as soon as he opened them, hundreds of tightly packed fans stared back at him with sweaty faces and smiles.
The encore was already half way through. And the music faded into a buzz and the sound of the fans screaming hummed around him as if it were a natural element like water or electricity or air. “That was beautiful,” he said into the microphone and smiled knowing that he was adorable and that the fans couldn’t resist his bubbly charm. The girls awwed and he looked away bashfully, one hand holding the cheap microphone, taped up with duct tape, the other hand, unconsciously rearranging the strands of his hair. “You know,” he purred as he began to collect his thoughts. Without his knowledge, Reita and Aoi exchanged knowing smirks. All of his tortuously long MCs started off with a phrase like that. “You know…” “I have something to say…” “A lot of people have been talking…” Something along those lines.
Kai took a deep breath and stared down at the surface of the drum nestled between his legs. Time for a Ruki lecture.
“Can you quiet down? I have something to say.” Ruki smiled cutely. Aoi resting his hand on his waist smirked and shook his head. “There have been rumors. I’m sure you guys know about them.” The fans let out a loud EHHHHHHHH before Ruki deliberately making his cheeks even bubblier continued “They say that we are being visited by some very important people….” Laughter and giggles. Everyone in the crowd by then had known that watching from a far was the President of the well known visual kei label Peace & Smile there to scout out the boys. They all turned around to see her standing there with a smile, looking up at the young man who pretended not to see her. “Hm,” he hummed as he looked up, his eyes directed at the stage lights. Already the tone of his speech had shifted and in the back of his mind, he saw the face of his father suddenly kind and he remembered the words that he had heard not too long ago in that long hallway. Inside of him, his love overflowed and his joy gripped at his heart and he felt as if he could explode.
“All of this seems to have happened so quickly. Us being here. All of you being here. It has happened so fast that I can hardly believe it. Only months ago, there was no one here to see us…I know I speak for the others when I say that it means so much to us that you come to hear us play…hm…” he purred again as he thought and looked down at his hand. The crowd around him had gone silent and in that moment when there were no sounds a fan calling out from the back screamed “We love you!” and Ruki giggled and looked back up.
“Time goes by so quickly,” he went on. And the smile faded into a thoughtful expression tinged with the realization of the bittersweetness of his thoughts. “For so long, I never had anywhere to go. I was just running to some place. Who knows where… But, when I am here with all of you and with my band members, I feel I have found something that I don’t want to let go of. I hope we can be friends like this forever and ever. I don’t care if we ever get signed or how much money we make. As long as we are together…that’s what matters…” He placed a hand on his waist and glanced back up at the ceiling.
“It took me a long time to realize that….hmm….to realize that that is all that matters and that all those other things don’t. Life is unpredictable. Our time on this planet, in this life is short and we shouldn’t waste it being angry or forceful… Now, I don’t want to get into any details but I know that we all have felt regret and loneliness…And I don’t want to live like that. I don’t want you all to live like that…mhm….” He smiled sweetly and nodded. He wanted to find the strength in himself to say he was sorry to his father. He was listening somewhere he knew but he was unable to say the words. He looked down and admitting in a small voice “I’m not the person I want to be yet…. I’m not the person that can easily admit their wrongs. I’m not the person that can easily forgive….But I want to be…. Why do I talk to you all like this tonight?” He giggled as he suddenly realized how out of place his speech may have seemed but the fans listening, laughed and all about began to shout out tender protestations. “We love you.” “We care!” “You’re a good person, Ruki!”
“I will just say one more thing!” he lifted up a finger and began to laugh. Already his speech had gone on for longer than scheduled. “I want to do this for as long as I can with these guys next to me and with you all….oh and,” and almost as if he had timed it, he added a cute “I love you.” And as soon as those words escaped his mouth, the girls went crazy, screaming and cheering. “Alright. Alright. Alright.” He giggled waving his hand about as if he were trying to playfully shoo them away. “That’s enough talking! Now, let’s get back to Rock.”