Out of Choices - Chapter 46
Title: Out Of Choices
Chapter 45: Beginnings (Previous Chapters: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19.1, 19.2, 20, 21, 22.1, 22.2, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33.1, 33.2, 34, 35, 36, 37, 38, 39, 40, 41, 42, 43, 44, 45, 46)
Author:JCAddict/picklewinkle/Sher
Fandom: Twilight
Word Count:11,124
Rating: R/M, for sex and language
Story Summary: Bella is devastated by the loss of her mother and is forced to go live with Charlie, her Mom's best friend when there is no one else to take her in. She gives up on living, too lost in her own anger to let anyone close to her. Enter Edward, the handsome teenage vampire, and the beginning of a complicated love-hate relationship. Neither can deny the connection between them, but can their love survive the fear that rules her and the secret he hides from her? AU, OOC, Rated Mature for language and lemons. Also available at Twilighted.net
Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight and all of its characters. I'm just manipulating them like imaginary playdoh so I feel like I have some power over them **snorts**
46. Salvation
A/N: After 46 chapters you all know I don't own shit. Twilight et al. belongs to Stephenie Meyers. No copyright infringement is intended.
*ducks the books and crap being thrown at her* I know, I know! This update was mega overdue, but RL is kicking my arse. I move in 16 days. I'm in packing hell, and I could not get this chapter right. You don't even want to know the amount of time I spent writing and editing this chapter. I wanted you to get swept away in it, and when it's all said and done, I hope you do. I think I finally got it right :)
Are you as sick of hearing me apologize for not replying to reviews as I am of saying it? I hate not doing it. It KILLS me! I have every intention of doing it, and again ask for your patience. I want you all to know I appreciate every review. Hearing all of your kind words and encouragement is part of what keeps me going, so thank you to everyone who has taken the time to leave a comment.
A small announcement, do you remember back in June when the story was nominated for an immortal cookie award in the best angst "M" category? Well, I won :) SQUEE! I'm very proud and honoured. Thank you to Suzann for nominating me, and to the judges of the contest for taking the time to read and consider my story as an entry.
Okay, on to the good stuff.
From Edward's POV...
I watched every step she took, almost from the moment she stepped out of the cabin, mesmerized by the movement of her body. It wasn’t any change that resulted from transformation that held my attention, simply reality sinking in. I had spent the better part of a week watching Bella flirt with death. Each furtherance and reaction of her body indulged my absolute desiderium to corroborate that her body was healed and that she survived unmitigated and unharmed.
I described the basic mechanics of hunting to her - the crouch, the lunge, the chase, as well as finer points of the kill - and let her take the lead, helping her acuminate her newly acquired senses. I always remained a couple of steps behind her, ready to aid her if she required assistance, but she never did. It was difficult to shake the protective instinct that had been honed in me. Even though she was no longer fragile or breakable, my mind still appraised every situation defensively, and my body readied to shield her and stave off every perceived threat. It was quite foolish actually; she was likely stronger than I was at the current juncture. All along, I had mistakenly blamed my instinct to protect her on her delicacy, when it was more a part of loving her.
Bella was critical of her mistakes when we returned to the cabin after feeding, even though I assured her that her endeavour was an impressive accomplishment, particularly for a first hunt. She dismissed me, dissecting each error and comparing it to my actions. As I tried to bolster her confidence and persuade her that she faced the challenge head on and triumphed, I was entirely distracted by the skin peeking out of the rips in her shirt. I wanted nothing more than to tear the remainder of my shirt off of her and have my way with her, even though I knew it was the last thing that was going to happen. I had no success pushing the image of her naked body out of my mind either. I’d done it to myself. Paying such meticulous attention to her body during our hunt had done little to assuage my desire to touch her. The strength of my longing for her was remarkable. Knowing she was healthy brought incredible relief, but the peace in the relief was fleeting, and my once my mind accepted her haleness and verdure, touching her prevailed my every thought.
It didn’t help that Bella seemed so unflustered and accepting of every change she’d endured, like nothing of any consequence had happened to her. She was her old self, witty and sarcastic and incredibly sexy. More than that, she was loving and compassionate, concerned for me when I should have been the last thing on her mind. She was utterly astounding.
When she laid her hand on my cheek to comfort me, it was all I could do to resist her. I had to close my eyes and hold my breath to elude her charms. As always, and without knowing it, she held complete dominance over me, and it took every bit of self-control I possessed to not reach out for her. It just wasn’t fair to push my desire on to her, and I knew it.
I convinced her to shower, trying to put some distance between us so I could get a hold of myself. When I heard the shower start, I breathed a sigh of relief, even though I felt none. The distance was merely physical. Every cell in my body was fixed on her in an almost desperate fashion.
I lay back on the bed, speculating over whether it should have been me to take the shower, a cold one, to refocus my mislaid salacity so I could concentrate on taking care of Bella. I was beginning to think that a cold shower was the only way I was going to rid myself of it. I was doing poorly controlling my physical reaction to Bella, and knowing she was about to be naked with only one small wooden door between us did little to help take my desire for her off my mind. I was deliberating over the idea of whether it would be indecent of me to take care of the problem in the shower myself when I heard Bella scream.
I flew to the bathroom, forcing the door open, and found Bella standing naked in the steam filled room. I could not have picked a less opportune time to break through the door, and the glorious sight before my eyes was more than I could handle. After asking Bella what was wrong, I tried to back out of the bathroom to distance myself from her, but she refused to let me go, even after I protested about her immediate lack of clothing. She had no idea what seeing her like that was doing to me. I knew it would be the farthest thing from her mind, given all she had to process, but I ached to touch her.
It was her eyes. I’d forgotten to mention the red colour, and although I explained it was only temporary, it clearly upset her. It was the first change in her that she had trouble accepting, and her upset was what I needed to pull myself together, instantly channelling my attention to where it should have been, where it was needed, Bella’s emotional well-being, in spite of the way Bella pressed her body against mine.
“Promise me! Promise me they won’t stay this way,” she begged, staring up at me with a consuming desperation.
I didn’t understand where it came from, but I knew I had to make her feel safe.
“I promise, Bella. I’m sorry. I should have explained your eyes to you.”
Holding her close, I kissed her head and tried to reassure her that everything would be okay. I could tell that she was afraid, her body rigid against mine, her arms wrapped tightly around my waist. Her fear seemed out of proportion, but perhaps she’d been holding back; perhaps all of the changes I thought she’d so willingly been able to accept, she had not been able to accept at all.
The longer I held her, the further she pushed her naked body against me, and I was losing the fight to stay focused on Bella’s needs. I felt like a child with attention deficit disorder, unable to keep my attention where it was required, and away from the distractions that taunted me. Before long, there was no space between us at all. Bella’s arms were wound so tightly around my body that it hurt, and her apologies made me feel no better than a hypocrite. The fear she was feeling was my fault, and it was my responsibility to make her feel invulnerable, yet all I seemed to be able to accomplish was filling my head with imagined scenarios of all of the ways I wanted to pleasure her.
The conversation turned towards how she looked, another topic that did nothing but vitiate my self-control. From her long silky hair to her slender legs, she was consummate perfection to my eyes. I could feel her bare skin under my fingertips, so soft and smooth and inviting, and I warred with my longing to touch it. It just wasn’t fair to act on my urges. Bella needed my understanding and reassurance, not my physical touch.
I did my best to convince her that she was perfect the way she was, regardless of the changes, and it was true, even if she didn’t seem to believe it. I was staggered by her next question.
“It’s not why you don’t want to be with me?” she mumbled into my chest, purposely avoiding my eyes.
I blinked hard, shocked by her words. She was never one to see herself clearly, but her words were unduly harsh, even for Bella - to think that my feelings would change simply because of a small change in her eye colour or skin.
“Why on Earth would you think that?” I contested, searching her face for the deeper meaning in her words.
She wouldn’t meet my eyes, her attention fixed on the reflection in the mirror as she studied her red eyes. With a scowl, her gaze fell to the ground.
“You pulled away from our kiss so soon after I woke up,” she fretted quietly.
“It was rude to monopolize your affections without giving your thirst any consideration.”
I had wanted to kiss her more, to keep kissing her for hours, but I remembered all too well the overwhelming post-transformation scorching in my throat, and the consuming craving for blood. I certainly didn’t want to stand in the way of Bella getting what she wanted, nor did I want her to suffer the pain of her thirst.
“But I wasn’t really thirsty,” she protested, pausing to choose her words carefully. “And when I tried to reassure you that you’d never lose me, you sent me away to shower.”
I couldn’t admit why I’d coaxed her into showering, at least not without putting the pressure on my desires on to her, and that was the last thing I wanted to do. She had enough to deal with. Instead, I tried to shift the conversation away from my actions and towards my wishes for her.
“My feelings are irrelevant; it’s you I’m worried about. It’s not fair of me to dwell on what got us here. I don’t want you feeling responsible for anything that’s happened.”
“I wasn’t feeling responsible,” she insisted in a glum whine. “We’ve had some really shitty breaks, but there’s no point in laying blame. It won’t change anything. The important thing is that we’re here, together. Unless you’re saying that’s not important to you?”
Her accusation boggled my mind. I knew she understood implicitly that she was important to me, and that I would not have put her through transformation on a whim, only to save the one person I couldn’t live without. I decided to echo her sentiments. Perhaps she was still looking for reassurance, in an indirect way.
“Of course it’s important to me. You are the only thing that matters to me, the one thing that gives my life meaning.”
“But you’ve been so guarded with everything you’ve said, and especially with what you’ve done. When I first woke up, you seemed so joyful, but ever since then, you’ve tried to hide most of your emotions from me.”
I had been guarded; I couldn’t deny it, but not because I was trying to hide my emotions from her. I was trying to mask my lust. My desires were not only selfish but also grossly misplaced; she had enough to acclimate to, but when I tried to explain that she seemed to get angry with me. How could she be affronted by my behaviour? I was trying to be a gentleman, trying to be respectful of the immense burden that was forced on to her. I’d complimented her on every change she worried over. Could she really think I was being untruthful, or was there more to what she was saying? When she accused me of holding back, I couldn’t deny it, so finally, I explained that my own desires were impertinent and extraneous to the situation, but still she continued to press the topic, and what she admitted stupefied me.
“Humph,” she whimpered in frustration. “I’m practically throwing myself at you, Edward, sandwiching my naked body against you, with every part that I can manage to touch you with. Doesn’t that tell you something?”
“But…but you’re not…supposed…to feel that,” I sputtered, stunned. Her words resonated in my ears and echoed into my head but bounced off my brain when I tried to process them. It was as if I’d gone catatonic, my brain and body both paralyzed by her declaration. The only thing I felt in my mental stupor was denial and confusion.
“I can’t help it,” she murmured softly. “It’s what I feel.”
There was no mistaking the honesty and sincerity in her tone, but I still couldn’t believe my ears. The idea was nihilistic.
“Newborn vampires are generally consumed with a single desire - the satisfaction of their thirst. Carnal urges generally take months to show up, well past a newborn’s first year in most cases.”
I was sure my shock showed on my face and registered in my voice. I wasn’t in control of my emotions, and even if I were, I don’t think I would have been able to hide my disbelief.
“Well, we both know I was never normal,” she teased, a light tinkling laugh following her statement.
While it was true that Bella never behaved as expected, the notion of her being that different from every other newborn that I’d heard mention of was almost derisory. What she claimed to be feeling seemed too abstract, even for Bella, and I was having great difficulty subsuming her yearning into her newly inherited vampirism. I took her tiny cheeks between my hands and caressed them, as if willing her skin to change it’s expression and reveal a truth that I could comprehend, one that matched the doctrine that I knew to be true.
I studied her features carefully. All traces of anger were gone from her face. She was not fearful or upset. She was simply my beautiful Bella, staring up at me with honesty and longing. My ability to resist her was waning with each moment.
“But, Bella,” I murmured, a final effort to dispute what she lay at my feet.
“You are the only thing I want,” she cooed demurely, each syllable shattering the remaining fragments of my holdback and disbelief. “I don’t want to feed. I don’t want to shower. I don’t want to play games. I just want to be with you.”
I stared back at her face, fixed on her eyes, and let what she was offering sink in. The look in her eyes, alone, was enough to persuade me. Beyond certitude and trust, she had the sultriest come hither look I’d ever seen her exhibit. She was irresistible, but then again, I didn’t really want to resist.
I wanted her to see what she did to me, reflected back by my eyes, so she would know, unquestionably, that she was exactly what I wanted, just as she was. I hesitated for a moment, letting my hands burn with the yearning to touch her, until I could see that she understood how reverent and grateful I was to her for the sacrifices she had made to be there with me in that moment, so she would know she was my reason for living.
Bending towards her slowly, I took the time to savour the spate of desire that ricocheted between us, swirling and crashing, and then brimming and cascading - an unbridled and errant rush of emotions and passion - because I knew there was no reason to make haste. I had nothing left to fear. I didn’t have to be afraid that I would never kiss her again, that I would ever physically hurt her, or lose her, or have to live without her. She was mine, for eternity, and I could take delight in every moment as it happened.
I braced myself for the surge of energy that would pass between us, and let my lips brush hers lightly. The sensation rippled through me, overtaking my senses in the most pleasurable way. Bella impatiently pulled my face towards hers and kissed me, holding my cheeks between her hands while her tiny fingertips tickled my skin. She was as gentle as a kitten in the way she held me; her lips were anything but. Bella never believed in holding back, and she projected every ounce of her desire in her kiss, giving all of her love to me and asking nothing in return.
I dropped my hands from her cheeks and gathered her into my arms, flattening my hands against her lower back and luxuriating in the throbbing undulation of our energy on my palms. I was delighted that our electricity was no lost in transformation. I was grateful even. I was grateful for a good many things, truthfully, not the least of which was the delightful creature in my arms, but also for her love and her goodness and her ability to accept the impossible. It finally dawned on me, in that moment, that because of that acceptance, I no longer had to hold back on anything. Her blood didn’t tempt me. She was no longer in danger from me. Not only was she no longer breakable, she was virtually indestructible. My mind exploded with prior imagined scenarios, and I pulled her body into mine joyfully. I didn’t know if it was the relief or the excitement, but I knew that I was going to enjoy every moment of touching her, like I’d never allowed myself to enjoy it before.
Her lips pressed against mine with urgency. They were insatiable; greedy and intense in a way that I not only understood but mirrored. I suppose it was the same for her as me; that the remnants of what we almost lost lingered in her mind - the fear that she’d never see me again, sickened by the notion of living without the vibrancy and potency of our connection, to never know this love again. That was how I felt, and that was what drove me to kiss her with such earnestness and avidity. My kiss said everything that I couldn’t, that I didn’t want to hold back, that I couldn’t get enough of her, that she was everything to me.
Bella pulled her body away from mine just enough to slide her hands between us. Her tiny fingers were at my waistband in an instant, and I couldn’t help but smile at her. Her kiss never lost its focus; her lips and tongue in tandem with mine, not missing a single beat. She would not have been capable of that sort of concentration in her human life, where her focus was exclusive. I could almost sense the expansion of her awareness, her instincts processing every facet of her environment and her body reacting to it without thought, all while her mind worked on a multitude of ponderings. She was easing into her new life so effortlessly it was almost unbelievable.
My fly was opened in mere moments, her fingers nimbly coaxing the buttons undone without difficulty.
“Bella,” I murmured, trying to resist the urge to give in, trying to fight the emotion I was being swept away in. “We don’t need to rush.”
It was as if I’d never spoken. She didn’t slow her actions. She didn’t even acknowledge my words. Her hands pushed aside the denim fabric of my jeans, pressing into my body until she disinterred both of my hipbones. I couldn’t pretend I didn’t enjoy her touch, but I still wanted her to slow down.
“We have forever,” I whispered.
“Argyle, Edward? Really?” she teased, ignoring my suggestion and yanking the sweater from my torso like she was insulted by it. Her lips came back at mine with even more verve.
Her tiny fingers hastened to the placket of my shirt. She didn’t even hesitate long enough to consider unbuttoning it, simply grasped the edges of the fabric and ripped it open. The small white buttons flew everywhere. I probably should have been a little insulted, or at the very least taken aback, but I was neither. I was nothing but turned on.
Her fingers skimmed over the skin of my arms as she coerced the shirt from my shoulders and let it drop to the floor. Between the pressure of her lips against mine, and her barely there touch on my skin, she had complete control of the situation. I wasn’t sure if she was being stubborn, or merely lacking the control to moderate her actions, only that I needed to change the prepotency of the situation.
I encircled her waist with my arms, pulling her weight into me and lifting her off the ground. My hands held her arms snugly against her body, intentionally confining them to keep her from removing anymore of my clothing. She squirmed against me, trying to wiggle her arms out of my grasp. It was endearing, even if the way she moved against my aroused body was capable of demolishing the scant and entirely inadequate amount of control I held.
“Edward, put me down,” she whined, pulling back from my kiss with a pout. Had it been genuine, the pout would have deliquesced my resolve, but her manipulation was transparent. She wanted what she wanted, and would use all of her devices to get it. As much as she wanted to rush this, I wanted us to take our time. I wanted to shower her with all of the adoration and worship she deserved, to show her just how much she meant to me. While her physical and emotional strength likely exceeded mine, her will did not.
“All in good time,” I cooed, burying my lips in her neck and kissing it persuasively. Her body still struggled against mine, but her head dropped back to expose more of her beautiful neck to me, and a tiny moan left her lips, half complaint, half gratification. My mouth meandered her skin, unconsciously gravitating towards the spot where I’d bitten her. The tiny mark generated by my teeth was gone, but I kissed the area lovingly nevertheless, in an effort to reassure myself that she’d forgiven me. Knowing was one thing, but forgiving myself was wholly another.
Not to be outdone, Bella wrapped her legs around my waist and used her tiny feet to force my jeans down further, trying to distract me by sucking on my lip amorously while she executed her plan. Her diversion did not work. I was wholly focused on the way her toes hooked the edge of the denim and dragged it down my body, caressing and exciting my bare skin as she moved. Somehow, she always managed to find a way to get what she wanted out of me, usually by delivering it in a way that made it impossible to resist her.
“No one could ever accuse you of being unenthusiastic,” I purred softly against her ear.
Bella shifted against me, proficiently working my jeans down far enough that they fell to my ankles. She repeated the gesture with my boxers, moiling diligently to accomplish her task as elastic band resisted her efforts, all while continuing to kiss me. It was an impressive maneuver, really, even if it humbled my efforts to thwart her. I had to admit that I felt complete when she was this close to me, and I was almost disappointed when she released her hold on my waist, at least until I felt her slender legs slide down my bare thighs, creating the most exquisite friction along my body as she moved.
I relinquished my hold on her arms, conceding that I’d lost the battle, but not the war. Her tiny hands smoothed over my chest, eventually tangling into the hair at the sides of my head.
“Never unenthusiastic,” she agreed, taking my bottom lip into her mouth and raking her teeth thoroughly along my flesh.
I lowered Bella’s body to the bathroom floor, and loosened my grip on her waist. She whimpered her complaint into our kiss.
“Never let me go,” she pleaded, hitching her right leg up on my hip and pressing against me.
The desperation in her voice was almost overwhelming, and my mind drifted back to the goodbye kiss we shared a mere three days ago, when I had felt the same suffocating desperation, fearing that I might lose her if she didn’t make it through transformation. I connected to the brokenness of that last kiss again - the fear, the sadness, the longing to put things back to what they were before everything between us became so urgently final - and I could feel something inside me begin to shift. I didn’t understand what, exactly, only that I was beholden to Bella for the opportunity to set things right between us.
“Never,” I echoed, letting my words ghost against her mouth, needing the touch of her sweet lips against mine to feel whole.
There was no space between our bodies, and I knew she could feel how aroused I was, but I didn’t want to try to hide it. The man that would have once found it inappropriate or forward was nowhere to be found, no longer a part of me. Maybe it was longing, or perhaps the desire to be honest with Bella about everything now that I had nothing to hide. I only knew that it felt right.
I moved my hand to cup Bella’s knee, planning to hold it to my hip, but Bella was faster than I was. She pulled away from my reach and knelt, ridding me of the clothing at my ankles, and then slithered back up on to her feet, smirking at me.
“Wouldn’t want you to trip,” she snarked, biting her lip while she held my gaze.
I grabbed her wrist and yanked her to me, relishing in the impact of our bodies as they met. She understood; I heard her sigh in relief, too.
“I don’t have to be quite as careful with you now,” I vindicated, pulling her face up towards mine and showing her what I meant with my kiss, smothering her lips with my own before plunging my tongue deeply into her mouth.
“I never asked you to be careful,” she whispered mischievously, dropping her head back and inviting my lips to her neck.
“You,” I murmured, kissing her shoulder. “Were too,” I continued in a soft voice, tracing her collarbone with my tongue. “Breakable,” I finished, blowing out a breath against her ear.
I watched solicitously for her reaction, holding my breath in anxious anticipation, longing desperately for it to be canonical. I needed to prove to myself that we had survived all of the changes untouched, to prove that my effect on her wasn’t situational, or a novelty of our relationship, or even some strange vampire human synergy.
To my great delight, she shivered, and it solidified the reality that we had persevered intact. What we brought in each other was still there, as it had always been. It was my power over her, and hers over me. It was love exchanged - given freely, without expectation of return, but returned tenfold. And its return wasn’t a choice; it was a need, a part of me. I couldn’t be complete without it, nor could she.
She pushed her chin against mine, using it to tilt my head back, and then ran her tongue along my jawbone, stopping every so often to suck or bite my skin. Her hands tensed in my hair, pulling it a small amount as she worked, enjoying her efforts as much as I was.
“Yeah, but what a way to go,” she teased.
“Please don’t joke about that,” I beseeched, pulling back from her so I could look at her while I explained the deeper meaning in my request.
Even though her countenance was serious, her eyes were softened in concern.
“You don’t know what it would have done to me if I’d hurt you…if I had killed you accidentally. It…it was always a possibility; I was so much stronger than you. I’m not sure I’ll ever forgive myself for putting you in danger that way. Even when I bit you to change you, there was a chance that you wouldn’t make it, and your death would have been on my hands. It was an impossible choice to make - to risk killing you so you wouldn’t die.”
“Edward, you have to forgive yourself,” she insisted quietly. “You made the right choice.”
She pressed her lips against mine again; sealing her admission with a conviction so strong only she was capable of it.
“I’m trying,” I promised, and I was trying. I wanted what she wanted, to put all of the negativity behind us and live every moment in love and happiness. For some reason though, I still hadn’t been able to forgive myself for what I had done, even though I felt there was no other option. I think it was because I knew the truth behind my choice, and the reality of it was that it was selfish, based on the acknowledgment that I could not live without her, and on the hope that she felt the same.
“Don’t try. Just believe.”
There was nothing but certainty in her eyes and I yearned to reflect that same certainty back at her. It shouldn’t have been a difficult thing to believe that my choice was the right one. I wanted nothing more than to believe her, to just let go of all of the pain and self-doubt and revel in the freedom of our love, but something was still holding me back.
“Just have faith, Edward,” she whispered.
Faith, something that seemed so innate and simple just a week ago, felt like a foreign concept now. It was easy to have faith in Bella, and in our love, but granting myself that same acceptance and conviction seemed impossible. I still felt undeserving of it.
As if she could sense my self-loathing, Bella reached up to caress my cheek, staring into my eyes with a gentle astuteness. She understood me better than I understood myself, and she knew exactly what I needed, even when I didn’t.
She pushed up on to her tiptoes, moving her tiny hands to cup the back of my neck, and the sensation overwhelmed me so fully that it left me feeling physically weak and unsteady. I had craved the feeling of her holding on to my neck for so many days, so afraid I would never feel it again, so sure I would never be worthy of it or deserve it after what I’d done.
“Edward,” she murmured, her voice as quiet as a gentle breeze. “It’s what I would have chosen myself if I could have, if I had known it was an option.”
Those few simple words that passed from her lips dissolved my doubts instantly. She wasn’t one to say something simply to placate someone. She always spoke the truth, and this truth was like a salvation for me, releasing me from the bonds of doubt and corradiating everything in my world into a single entity, Bella.
I was overcome, consumed by desperation to convey my love for her forthwith. I didn’t want to waste even another moment of time. My hands came to her cheeks and I kissed her forcefully, my actions surprising her and throwing her off balance. I just went with the motion. I couldn’t allow any space to come between us. I wouldn’t allow anything to ever come between us again.
We shuffled backwards until we thudded softly against the edge of the tub, but I wasn’t satisfied with our position. It wasn’t enough. I wouldn’t be sated until I could feel her pressed against me. I kissed her madly, grabbing her leg and pulling it towards my hip, urging her body closer with my other hand. Bella arched her back and tucked herself into my chest, needing the contact too. It still wasn’t enough. I needed more of her, and didn’t hesitate to take it, grasping the back of Bella’s upper thighs and scooping her into my arms. With her weight against my chest, I stepped us into the tub.
The hot water hit our bodies but I barely noticed it. I couldn’t focus fully until I sandwiched Bella against the tiles of the shower wall, crushing her breasts against my chest and pressing her legs open with my hips. Bella moaned softly, dropping her mouth to my neck to tease my skin with kisses. I was already panting, the friction of her body against mine the only antidote for my desire.
Something was happening deep inside of me; something gripping and powerful, and I could feel it taking hold. I searched for the words to explain the chaos of thoughts and feelings inside of me, but there were none that spoke my heart. The only eloquence I possessed was in my touch, so I used it, and hoped it said what my words couldn’t.
I left one hand under Bella’s thighs to support her body and let my other hand wander. Our skin was slick from the spray of the shower and my fingers trailed down the side of her body easily, caressing the edge of her breast, following the dip of her waist and the swell of her hip. When I hit her most sensitive spots, she arched her back towards me, rubbing her breasts against my chest to encourage the light pressure of my fingertips on her skin. I let my hand linger, repeating the gesture over and over, getting more and more turned on each time she pressed against me, and revelling in each tiny little whimper and moan that left her lips. Finally, I let my hands slide past her hips to grab and hold her bottom, fanning my fingers out along her forbidden flesh, and squeezed it in my palms.
Bella buried her face in my shoulder, trying to muffle the expletives that tumbled from her mouth. I squeezed her again, just to hear her uncontrolled reaction once more, and then lifted her towards me, bearing the weight of her body against my own once again. I shifted her to the other wall, directly under the stream of the shower, and she squeaked in delight as the hot water hit her shoulders and trickled down her back. She had always liked a hot shower, and now I certainly understood its appeal as well.
Bella adorned my shoulder with hot, wet kisses, slowly moving her mouth towards my neck. She halted at my collarbone, licking the tiny pool of water that had collected there, and then sucked my flesh lightly. My moan echoed off the shower walls, sounding louder than I intended it to, but I wasn’t exactly striving to control myself. She must have liked my reaction, dipping her head around mine and repeating her efforts on my other side. I shamelessly squeezed her bottom when I felt the suction of her mouth on my skin this time. The shower filled with the unison of our auricular resonations.
Her lips came back to mine, her tongue seeking entrance to my mouth, which she was granted without hesitation. She pulled my face towards hers and kissed me deeply, the water spilling gently down on us, somehow increasing the intensity of our connection. I didn’t think it was even possible to feel more turned on, but somehow the heat and moisture seemed to do just that.
I was still dissatisfied with our position, desperately craving the contact of our skin. I needed more physical connection to her, beyond my chest and shoulders. I needed to feel her on my hips and thighs and calves. I wanted her whole body pinned between the wall and me, so I could feel every bit of her against me. I slowly pulled my hands from underneath Bella, releasing my grip on her and letting her slide slowly down the tiles, holding her body to the wall with mine to control her movement. I wasn’t sure if her squawk was in response to the splendid friction of our bodies as they worked against one another, or a complaint because I let her go, but I chuckled quietly in rejoinder.
Her kiss never faltered; her lips an ever-present enticement that I couldn’t get enough of. With her feet safely on the floor of the tub again, I reached up to my neck and pulled her hands into mine, intertwining her tiny fingers with my own. Slowly, I eased her arms above her head, stretching them upwards to open her body fully to mine, and pressed my whole self against her. The contact was blissful, abating the force of my craving, but not the need I was drowning in. I wondered if she felt it too - the desperation, the hollowness, the bottomless desire for more. I needed more of her, still.
Bella whimpered softly against my lips, seemingly gratified by the position I held her in, pinned to the wall by my body, with her arms secured above her head. It was a position of trust, of authority, and of domination. I separated her hands from their pinion, spacing her arms apart while I shifted my fingers between hers longingly, trying to convey my love and desire. It wasn’t domination I was in search of; it was possession. I wanted to become one with her.
As our hands slid along the tiles, I felt cool metal pass along the outside edge of my hand - a showerhead, but not where I expected to find one. It distracted me. My eyes opened and darted to examine it. It was then that I vaguely recalled Esme’s insistence to renovate the bathroom, and the over the top shower head system she maintained just had to be installed, even if our cabin was ‘little used.’ I inwardly rejoiced in her persistence and set my thoughts in motion.
I took Bella’s lip into my mouth and sucked on it, hoping to distract her from the action of my hand, and discreetly pressed the button that turned on the extra showerheads. Warm water sprayed from everywhere, from more directions than seemed possible, and Bella gasped at the contact. Her eyes popped open and searched mine briefly, before they fluttered closed and she surrendered to me, a seductive smile on her lips. I knew then that we’d never make it out of that shower without connecting intimately.
I urged her body towards the showerheads on my left, compelling her until she was right against them and the water collided wildly with her skin. Bella dropped her head back from my kiss, moaning pleasurably as the hot spray kneaded her skin. I was almost envious of the liquid and the gratification it gave her, watching as the droplets bounced and ricocheted, dancing off of her skin in disorderly patterns. I wanted to be the only thing that could give her that much satisfaction, or at least to be a part of it.
I scooped Bella’s waist with one hand and palmed her breast wilfully with the other, holding it in front of the spray of the showerhead and letting the water assail her delicate nipple. Watching her reaction to the water and hearing her whimper served no useful purpose, only rendered me more desirous and impatient to touch her. I didn’t last long as a spectator, lowering my mouth to her breast and taking her nipple between my lips. She gasped throatily as I manipulated her flesh, twisting it and nipping at it gently. She tasted even better than I remembered.
I pined for her response to me in a frenzied fashion, needing it as proof that I was not alone in this, that she was having the same difficulty controlling her intensity as I was. Yearning for more of her sultry reactions, I flicked my tongue over her hardened peak. It made her moan harder, and caused the involuntarily thrusting my hips towards her.
Bella’s fingers tangled into my hair, tugging wildly, as I lavished her breasts with attention. With the proximity of our bodies and the way her arms curled around my head, keeping it tucked into her chest, the emotional intimacy I felt with her was extraordinary. Still, even with this incredible connection between us, I needed more from her. It felt like my whole body was throbbing, and I ached to take her.
“Bella,” I rasped, softly begging for her mercy.
She spoke no response to my plea, simply hitched her leg up on my hip and silently offered herself to me. I held her leg around my waist to secure her balance, and, unable to holdback any longer, bent my knees to position myself between her legs. With a shallow thrust, I entered her, dropping my head on to her shoulder and groaning. The rapture I felt being inside of her overtook me entirely. I couldn’t move; I just held tightly to her body and tried not to fall apart. There were no words that would adequately express how it felt. It was so much more than a physical connection. I was moved. I was affected. The connection to her healed and soothed me. Somehow she brought out the best in me, and the connection of our bodies made me so much more than what I was alone. It made me whole.
Bella held tightly to me as well, stilling her body and moving her hands to my shoulders, her fingers fiercely digging into my skin. She was uncharacteristically silent, and I lifted my head to look at her beautiful face, trying to gauge if she was as overwhelmed as I was. She seemed to be, but I spoke to her, just to be sure. I brought my lips close to her ear, so she’d hear me over the clatter of the shower, and murmured, “I love you.”
She opened her eyes to look at me and then slowly brought her lips to mine and kissed me, a soft kiss, that spoke of her love and devotion, which quickly morphed into something more intense and wanton, making sure I understood her urgent desire for me as well. It was the perfect Bella-esque way to tell me that she loved me too.
Bella’s leg tightened around me and she pulled herself towards me, tilting her hips upwards to take me deeper into her body. I gasped, unable to control my reaction to the sensation, and hugged her to my body in a desperate fashion. I was sure I’d underestimated her omnipotence. She could call things out in me that I didn’t even know existed, bewitching and controlling my every action and emotion, and I was powerless to stop her, wholly lacking the will to even try.
Everything around me seemed to be in slow motion - the water from the showerheads, the gentle astern dip of Bella’s head, the quiet sigh that left her lips - and I internalized each thing, savouring them in turn like I’d never appreciated anything before, letting myself feel every emotion I’d held back in the past. I was deluged by them, but not drowning. If anything, there was true freedom in it, knowing what she was capable of making me feel and what I hoped I made her feel, too.
I slid my hand further around her waist, still holding her leg to me, and began to move my hips in a slow and measured rhythm, kissing Bella with open eyes so I could watch her every reaction. She, too, was struggling with the power of our connection, breathless and anticipatory for each forward thrust. As I pressed into her, her body readied for the rush, tensing minutely before she relaxed into the pressure and sensation. I wondered where her mind was, and if she felt as swept away as I did, although I couldn’t find my voice to ask her. It was entombed somewhere deep inside me, silenced by the intensity of our intimacy.
It didn’t seem to matter what she did to me; everything imparted pleasure. Her giving lips pressed decadent refined kisses to my skin, her tiny fingers kneaded and pressed into me, her body shifted against mine with blessed fiery friction. Her response to me was just as rewarding, the way she dropped her head back when I tangled my fingers into her silky wet hair to encourage my fondling of it, the way she bit down on her lip when I moved inside of her, the muffled whimper when I pulled out. I wondered how I could have made love to her before and not fallen apart, how I could have possibly managed to fight successfully against her endowments and the power of our connection, and then rejoiced that I never had to battle either again.
The spray from the shower continued to rain down on us, hot and wet and pushing the limits of my sanity, heightening everything I was already influenced by. I was in control of nothing, not my emotions or intensity or my reaction to Bella, and I didn’t wish to be. It was the most exhilarating thing I’d ever experienced and I yearned for the helplessness to continue, for the inability to resist Bella and what she made me feel. I wanted to remain under the power of our connection, and be unable to forsake it.
Bella’s hands clutched at my neck and she pulled her body towards mine, wrapping her other leg around my waist. I eased her back against the tiles to steady her, curling my fingers around her hips for purchase to hold her in place, and thrust myself deeply inside of her. Bella’s response was a combination of a growl and a squeak, low and sexy and resonating, and affected my entire being. I withdrew and pushed into her again, even deeper, just to hear her make it again.
I leaned into her body, trailing kisses from her neck towards her navel, and resumed the shallow movement of my hips. I could sense her impatience as I explored her skin, but I couldn’t resist the temptation of her beauty, displayed so flawlessly in front of me. Bella tried to push her hips at me, but my hold on her prevented her from accomplishing her intended task, to take me deeper into her body again. She should have given me more credit and known that I would be prepared for her wiles, however, winning the game was payback enough. The reward was only made sweeter by the pout of her perfect pink lips, pushed out at me in perturbation. She didn’t like to lose, but I intended to give her what she craved soon enough.
I kissed her pouting mouth, tracing her lips with my tongue before sucking each lip into my mouth and raking my teeth over it. It was an action I never dared allow myself before, but one I hungered for relentlessly. When Bella did it to me, it always made me come undone, but while Bella was human, that sort of loss of control was dangerous and potentially catastrophic. Having my teeth anywhere near her fragile body could have been lethal. Now that she was just like me, I allowed myself the luxury and enjoyed every second of it, as well as Bella’s reaction. The significance of the act was not lost on her, and the highly erotic growl that she released assured me of that. She understood my urge and its significance, and delighted in my indulgence.
Her vocal encouragement spurred me on, and I forced my tongue into her mouth aggressively, dominating her kiss and trying to convey my still unfulfilled longing. I couldn’t get enough of her, sure that the climax of our union would leave me forever wanting more of her. My hips seemed to move of their own volition; unable to resist the friction and the way her love made me feel. I pinned her upper body against the tile with mine again, grunting and pressing into her body. The more she moaned, the more I wanted to repeat my actions to hear her moan again. The beauty of her reactions was blinding.
“Edward,” she murmured in quiet desperation, my name like an invitation to take us to the place we both wanted to go.
I slid my hands from Bella’s hips and gripped her buttocks, rebalancing her body against my chest. I held all the control in this position, and that control made me feel powerful. It made me feel like I was worthy of possessing her. Bella’s hands encircled my neck, her body pulled tightly to mine, and she surrendered her control to me. Her trust was awe-inspiring, and I promised myself that I would not stop tonight until I deserved that trust on every level.
I slowly pushed into her, using my hands to guide her hips towards my body, holding her body at the best angle for her pleasure. I knew I had it right; her body was completely relaxed and succumbed to my every manipulation, but Bella’s verbal verification confirmed it for me.
“Oh, God, yes,” she squealed in encouragement.
Her hands curled around my shoulders, pulling them forward to urge me to keep going. Her impatience only increased my want for her. I thrust into her again, doing my best to maximize the friction and penetration, squeezing her behind with my hands at the top of the thrust. She mirrored the pressure of my hands with hers, digging her fingers into my skin and dropping her head to my shoulder. A quiet sigh of satisfaction left her lips. It was marvellous to give her such pleasure, and it was only made better by the fact that it brought me pleasure too.
Continuing to maneuver her body with my hands, I thrust into her and pulled out of her time and time again. Every time I pulled out, I ached to connect with her again, and each time I re-entered her, I teetered closer to the point of no return. Bella raised her head and rested her cheek on mine, tangling her arms tightly together around my neck. I could hear her ragged pants and feel her breath against my ear. I knew I wouldn’t let myself come undone until Bella was thoroughly satisfied, but with each thrust that bargain became a greater challenge.
I shifted Bella into the center of the shower’s spray, so the shower would cover her in hot steamy water, and pushed myself into her again. She responded verbally with every forward movement now, although her answers were no longer understandable. Her words had deteriorated into broken syllables and noises.
I pinned her upper body to the tiles with my mine, craving the pressure of her form against me, yearning for the friction of our wet skin as we moved together and came apart, and using the hardness of the surface to hold her still against to secure it, just needing more of her in every way I could possibly glean. I could feel her nipples, peaked and hard against my skin, revelling in the delicious resistance they created as I dragged her body across my chest with each thrust. Bella just held tightly to me, and encouraged me with her tiny mews and whimpers.
It was becoming harder to stave off the end, partly because I desired it so strongly and partly because of Bella herself. Her very essence barraged my senses. I could smell her, taste her on my tongue, her moans filled my ears; she was everywhere I looked and touched. What I wanted more than anything was to just get lost in her, to drown in everything she had to offer and never come up for air again. The only thing that kept me from resisting was my desire to get lost in each other, together. I listened carefully to her responses, trying to gauge how close she was, because my hope that she would come right out and tell me was dwindling.
I was moving ever closer to coming apart. I couldn’t fully withdraw from her body any longer; the sensation was too acute and I risked loosing control before Bella was ready to climax if I did. Instead, I increased my pace and kept my thrusts shallow, hoping the friction would urge Bella on. It helped to decrease my endeavour, but things were beginning to pile up on me. The closeness of our bodies, the intimacy of our connection, the urgency, the desperation - the onslaught of everything was intensifying my struggle.
“Bella,” I moaned, straining against our movement, begging for her to respond. I needed to hear her voice to distract me.
“Edward, I can’t…” Her voice trailed off, her hands reaching for my forearms and gripping them tightly.
“I don’t know how much more of you I can take,” I admitted in a breathless rasp.
“Don’t stop,” she beseeched.
I had no intention of stopping, but hearing her request further weakened my resistance. My hands gripped the flesh of her derriere roughly as I worked to withstand what my body craved and give her what she needed. I focused my attention on her fingers, noting the ever-increasing tension in them, and hoped they reflected a state of almost attained climax. I pushed my hips against hers, pinning her bottom flat against the tiles. The hard surface made the sensations even more gratifying, and I thrust myself deeply into her, enjoying the way her pubic bone pressed into me.
“You’re going to make me come,” she whispered.
Her words represented the last of what I could countervail. My climax took over in a fraction of a second; I didn’t even have time to warn her.
“Bella,” I grunted, pushing my body against hers and grasping desperately at her. “Bella.”
I heard her sharp intake of breath and felt her fingers dig into my brachia, and innately knew she was beginning her orgasm. I let the waves of pleasure created by the connection of our bodies crash over me, thrusting once more as I felt her body contract around me.
“Fuck,” she moaned, her head dropping forward onto my shoulder as her body began to tense against mine. Her legs tightened around my waist and she pushed her hips at mine, indulging in the friction one last time to sweeten her climax.
At the same time, the world around me exploded. The strength of my orgasm was shattering, formed of pure fire or light - commanding and brilliant and encompassing. The sensations radiated from the core of my body, and overtook every part of me. I let go into it, unable and unwilling to fight or resist it. I just held tightly to Bella, as she did to me, and let it barrage me. I truly didn’t care if I ever recovered from it.
The exchange of our union was unparalleled, more intense and more intimate than anything I had even imagined. I hoped she felt the same metaphysical weightlessness that I did. I wasn’t ready to open my eyes or break our physical connection. I never wanted it to end; I wanted to stay lost in Bella forever, drowning in perpetual love and devotion. She would always be everything I would ever need.
Slowly, the sensations dwindled, and my body relaxed into a state of pure bliss. Bella’s legs slowly slid down my body, changing her balance and causing her to shift in my arms. I was already mournful of the loss of the closeness of our bodies. I had been so caught up in her that I had forgotten everything else around me, including the water. It continued to rain gently down on us. It was comforting and soothing, like wrapping yourself in a warm blanket, and made letting go of what we’d just experienced a little more tolerable.
I fully emerged from the aftereffects of my climax to Bella’s lips on mine, soft and reverent, sensual and giving, a thank you of sorts for the experience we’d just shared.
“Sorry,” she offered in a quiet whisper against my lips. “I didn’t mean to rush you. I couldn’t help myself.” There was no regret or disrespect in her voice, just honesty and forthrightness.
“I understand,” I assured her. Probably better than she could imagine.
“Do you?” she questioned. I could hear the disbelief in her tone.
“I thought I was being selfish for wanting to be with you like this after you’d already endured such enormous changes in transformation. I didn’t dream you’d be yearning for it too.” An understanding smile lit her gentle face. “It was overwhelming to realize that we were free to love one another, that there were no longer any physical, emotional or psychological holdbacks between us. I’ve never known a truer freedom. I wanted to take things slowly, to shower you in adoration and prove my devotion to you.”
“But you don’t have to prove anything to me,” she protested. “You know that, right?”
“I do,” I assured her, pausing for a moment to collect my thoughts. “I was so entirely overwhelmed by my desire to convey my love to you that I was swept away in the urgency between us. I thought my gratefulness to you was the driving force behind the urgency, a requital for your forgiveness and goodness, and for all of the burdens that you accepted so selflessly, even though they were forced on to you without your permission, but it wasn’t that.”
“Well what was it then?” she asked timidly.
“In the middle of loving you, I began to comprehend that it is just the nature of the bond between us. We both understand that what we have is special and rare, and have an even truer appreciation of the other because we came so close to losing one another. Because of that appreciation, our eternity will be defined by the knowledge of what life would be like without the other. Even though we literally have forever, every time we give our love to one another, it will be given with the emotion and urgency of a final gift. We will always love like we’re living in our last few moments together.”
“That’s a beautiful way to put it. I would have just said we were horny,” she teased.
I smirked at her intentional stab at my revelation, knowing it was taken only because the idea hit a little too close to home. I couldn’t hold it against her. After everything she’d been through in the last week, I was not about to force more emotion on her.
“Or that,” I agreed, laughing with her. I urged her head towards mine and kissed the top of it softly. “We should get you dried off and warmed up before you freeze to death,” I suggested.
“Is it cold?” she wondered. “I didn’t notice.”
“The water is warm enough I suppose, but much closer to tepid compared with the normally sweltering temperature of your showers,” I teased.
“I don’t need the heat now that I’m not sleeping with an iceberg,” she snarked.
“Or perhaps because you’ve become one too,” I suggested playfully.
“Hey, you owe me one uninterrupted cuddle session!” she exclaimed excitedly.
“I do, do I?”
“Yes, one where you don’t try to separate us by blankets or make me get dressed,” she informed me.
“And would you like that right now?” I wondered.
“Yes, please.”
I bent towards her and slid my hand around the back of Bella’s legs, scooping her into my arms. It was our perennial, familiar position, but it still brought me great joy to feel her hands slip around my neck and hold on. She kicked at the tap decidedly, pushing the knob to shut off the shower, and grinned at me. I think she liked being in my arms as much as I liked having her there.
“Are there other rules?” I inquired as I carried her to the bed.
“Rules?” she asked.
“Things I am or am not allowed to do to you while we lie in bed together.”
“Well that’s a loaded question if I’ve ever heard one,” she joked.
I should have known how she would take my thought, given the mood she was in.
“Am I allowed to hold you? To lay my hands on you? To kiss you?” I inquired.
“Didn’t you just do that?” she teased, smirking.
I had forgotten how difficult it could be to get a straight answer from Bella.
“Okay. Let me rephrase. What would you like me to do during this ‘cuddle session,’ as you put it? What sort of contact were you seeking?”
I placed her gently on to the bed, pulling the covers over her body, and sat down softly beside her to wait for her answer.
“I just want to be close to you,” she admitted. “I want to feel you relaxed beside me, to curl up against your side and drown in the contact, just to prove this is all real.”
“It’s very real,” I assured her quietly.
“Then come here,” she requested, patting the bed beside her.
“I can’t promise I’ll be on my best behaviour,” I told her honestly. “I can’t promise I’ll keep my hands to myself.”
“You don’t have to. I just want to feel you near me.”
I began to slide in next to her, and she flipped the covers away from her body to make room for me.
“No covers though,” she stated decidedly. “I don’t want anything to come between us.”
“I promise you that I won’t let anything ever come between us again.”
I couldn’t keep the intensity out of my voice. It was a promise that I intended to keep at all costs.
Chapter 45: Beginnings (Previous Chapters: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19.1, 19.2, 20, 21, 22.1, 22.2, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33.1, 33.2, 34, 35, 36, 37, 38, 39, 40, 41, 42, 43, 44, 45, 46)
Author:JCAddict/picklewinkle/Sher
Fandom: Twilight
Word Count:11,124
Rating: R/M, for sex and language
Story Summary: Bella is devastated by the loss of her mother and is forced to go live with Charlie, her Mom's best friend when there is no one else to take her in. She gives up on living, too lost in her own anger to let anyone close to her. Enter Edward, the handsome teenage vampire, and the beginning of a complicated love-hate relationship. Neither can deny the connection between them, but can their love survive the fear that rules her and the secret he hides from her? AU, OOC, Rated Mature for language and lemons. Also available at Twilighted.net
Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight and all of its characters. I'm just manipulating them like imaginary playdoh so I feel like I have some power over them **snorts**
46. Salvation
A/N: After 46 chapters you all know I don't own shit. Twilight et al. belongs to Stephenie Meyers. No copyright infringement is intended.
*ducks the books and crap being thrown at her* I know, I know! This update was mega overdue, but RL is kicking my arse. I move in 16 days. I'm in packing hell, and I could not get this chapter right. You don't even want to know the amount of time I spent writing and editing this chapter. I wanted you to get swept away in it, and when it's all said and done, I hope you do. I think I finally got it right :)
Are you as sick of hearing me apologize for not replying to reviews as I am of saying it? I hate not doing it. It KILLS me! I have every intention of doing it, and again ask for your patience. I want you all to know I appreciate every review. Hearing all of your kind words and encouragement is part of what keeps me going, so thank you to everyone who has taken the time to leave a comment.
A small announcement, do you remember back in June when the story was nominated for an immortal cookie award in the best angst "M" category? Well, I won :) SQUEE! I'm very proud and honoured. Thank you to Suzann for nominating me, and to the judges of the contest for taking the time to read and consider my story as an entry.
Okay, on to the good stuff.
From Edward's POV...
I watched every step she took, almost from the moment she stepped out of the cabin, mesmerized by the movement of her body. It wasn’t any change that resulted from transformation that held my attention, simply reality sinking in. I had spent the better part of a week watching Bella flirt with death. Each furtherance and reaction of her body indulged my absolute desiderium to corroborate that her body was healed and that she survived unmitigated and unharmed.
I described the basic mechanics of hunting to her - the crouch, the lunge, the chase, as well as finer points of the kill - and let her take the lead, helping her acuminate her newly acquired senses. I always remained a couple of steps behind her, ready to aid her if she required assistance, but she never did. It was difficult to shake the protective instinct that had been honed in me. Even though she was no longer fragile or breakable, my mind still appraised every situation defensively, and my body readied to shield her and stave off every perceived threat. It was quite foolish actually; she was likely stronger than I was at the current juncture. All along, I had mistakenly blamed my instinct to protect her on her delicacy, when it was more a part of loving her.
Bella was critical of her mistakes when we returned to the cabin after feeding, even though I assured her that her endeavour was an impressive accomplishment, particularly for a first hunt. She dismissed me, dissecting each error and comparing it to my actions. As I tried to bolster her confidence and persuade her that she faced the challenge head on and triumphed, I was entirely distracted by the skin peeking out of the rips in her shirt. I wanted nothing more than to tear the remainder of my shirt off of her and have my way with her, even though I knew it was the last thing that was going to happen. I had no success pushing the image of her naked body out of my mind either. I’d done it to myself. Paying such meticulous attention to her body during our hunt had done little to assuage my desire to touch her. The strength of my longing for her was remarkable. Knowing she was healthy brought incredible relief, but the peace in the relief was fleeting, and my once my mind accepted her haleness and verdure, touching her prevailed my every thought.
It didn’t help that Bella seemed so unflustered and accepting of every change she’d endured, like nothing of any consequence had happened to her. She was her old self, witty and sarcastic and incredibly sexy. More than that, she was loving and compassionate, concerned for me when I should have been the last thing on her mind. She was utterly astounding.
When she laid her hand on my cheek to comfort me, it was all I could do to resist her. I had to close my eyes and hold my breath to elude her charms. As always, and without knowing it, she held complete dominance over me, and it took every bit of self-control I possessed to not reach out for her. It just wasn’t fair to push my desire on to her, and I knew it.
I convinced her to shower, trying to put some distance between us so I could get a hold of myself. When I heard the shower start, I breathed a sigh of relief, even though I felt none. The distance was merely physical. Every cell in my body was fixed on her in an almost desperate fashion.
I lay back on the bed, speculating over whether it should have been me to take the shower, a cold one, to refocus my mislaid salacity so I could concentrate on taking care of Bella. I was beginning to think that a cold shower was the only way I was going to rid myself of it. I was doing poorly controlling my physical reaction to Bella, and knowing she was about to be naked with only one small wooden door between us did little to help take my desire for her off my mind. I was deliberating over the idea of whether it would be indecent of me to take care of the problem in the shower myself when I heard Bella scream.
I flew to the bathroom, forcing the door open, and found Bella standing naked in the steam filled room. I could not have picked a less opportune time to break through the door, and the glorious sight before my eyes was more than I could handle. After asking Bella what was wrong, I tried to back out of the bathroom to distance myself from her, but she refused to let me go, even after I protested about her immediate lack of clothing. She had no idea what seeing her like that was doing to me. I knew it would be the farthest thing from her mind, given all she had to process, but I ached to touch her.
It was her eyes. I’d forgotten to mention the red colour, and although I explained it was only temporary, it clearly upset her. It was the first change in her that she had trouble accepting, and her upset was what I needed to pull myself together, instantly channelling my attention to where it should have been, where it was needed, Bella’s emotional well-being, in spite of the way Bella pressed her body against mine.
“Promise me! Promise me they won’t stay this way,” she begged, staring up at me with a consuming desperation.
I didn’t understand where it came from, but I knew I had to make her feel safe.
“I promise, Bella. I’m sorry. I should have explained your eyes to you.”
Holding her close, I kissed her head and tried to reassure her that everything would be okay. I could tell that she was afraid, her body rigid against mine, her arms wrapped tightly around my waist. Her fear seemed out of proportion, but perhaps she’d been holding back; perhaps all of the changes I thought she’d so willingly been able to accept, she had not been able to accept at all.
The longer I held her, the further she pushed her naked body against me, and I was losing the fight to stay focused on Bella’s needs. I felt like a child with attention deficit disorder, unable to keep my attention where it was required, and away from the distractions that taunted me. Before long, there was no space between us at all. Bella’s arms were wound so tightly around my body that it hurt, and her apologies made me feel no better than a hypocrite. The fear she was feeling was my fault, and it was my responsibility to make her feel invulnerable, yet all I seemed to be able to accomplish was filling my head with imagined scenarios of all of the ways I wanted to pleasure her.
The conversation turned towards how she looked, another topic that did nothing but vitiate my self-control. From her long silky hair to her slender legs, she was consummate perfection to my eyes. I could feel her bare skin under my fingertips, so soft and smooth and inviting, and I warred with my longing to touch it. It just wasn’t fair to act on my urges. Bella needed my understanding and reassurance, not my physical touch.
I did my best to convince her that she was perfect the way she was, regardless of the changes, and it was true, even if she didn’t seem to believe it. I was staggered by her next question.
“It’s not why you don’t want to be with me?” she mumbled into my chest, purposely avoiding my eyes.
I blinked hard, shocked by her words. She was never one to see herself clearly, but her words were unduly harsh, even for Bella - to think that my feelings would change simply because of a small change in her eye colour or skin.
“Why on Earth would you think that?” I contested, searching her face for the deeper meaning in her words.
She wouldn’t meet my eyes, her attention fixed on the reflection in the mirror as she studied her red eyes. With a scowl, her gaze fell to the ground.
“You pulled away from our kiss so soon after I woke up,” she fretted quietly.
“It was rude to monopolize your affections without giving your thirst any consideration.”
I had wanted to kiss her more, to keep kissing her for hours, but I remembered all too well the overwhelming post-transformation scorching in my throat, and the consuming craving for blood. I certainly didn’t want to stand in the way of Bella getting what she wanted, nor did I want her to suffer the pain of her thirst.
“But I wasn’t really thirsty,” she protested, pausing to choose her words carefully. “And when I tried to reassure you that you’d never lose me, you sent me away to shower.”
I couldn’t admit why I’d coaxed her into showering, at least not without putting the pressure on my desires on to her, and that was the last thing I wanted to do. She had enough to deal with. Instead, I tried to shift the conversation away from my actions and towards my wishes for her.
“My feelings are irrelevant; it’s you I’m worried about. It’s not fair of me to dwell on what got us here. I don’t want you feeling responsible for anything that’s happened.”
“I wasn’t feeling responsible,” she insisted in a glum whine. “We’ve had some really shitty breaks, but there’s no point in laying blame. It won’t change anything. The important thing is that we’re here, together. Unless you’re saying that’s not important to you?”
Her accusation boggled my mind. I knew she understood implicitly that she was important to me, and that I would not have put her through transformation on a whim, only to save the one person I couldn’t live without. I decided to echo her sentiments. Perhaps she was still looking for reassurance, in an indirect way.
“Of course it’s important to me. You are the only thing that matters to me, the one thing that gives my life meaning.”
“But you’ve been so guarded with everything you’ve said, and especially with what you’ve done. When I first woke up, you seemed so joyful, but ever since then, you’ve tried to hide most of your emotions from me.”
I had been guarded; I couldn’t deny it, but not because I was trying to hide my emotions from her. I was trying to mask my lust. My desires were not only selfish but also grossly misplaced; she had enough to acclimate to, but when I tried to explain that she seemed to get angry with me. How could she be affronted by my behaviour? I was trying to be a gentleman, trying to be respectful of the immense burden that was forced on to her. I’d complimented her on every change she worried over. Could she really think I was being untruthful, or was there more to what she was saying? When she accused me of holding back, I couldn’t deny it, so finally, I explained that my own desires were impertinent and extraneous to the situation, but still she continued to press the topic, and what she admitted stupefied me.
“Humph,” she whimpered in frustration. “I’m practically throwing myself at you, Edward, sandwiching my naked body against you, with every part that I can manage to touch you with. Doesn’t that tell you something?”
“But…but you’re not…supposed…to feel that,” I sputtered, stunned. Her words resonated in my ears and echoed into my head but bounced off my brain when I tried to process them. It was as if I’d gone catatonic, my brain and body both paralyzed by her declaration. The only thing I felt in my mental stupor was denial and confusion.
“I can’t help it,” she murmured softly. “It’s what I feel.”
There was no mistaking the honesty and sincerity in her tone, but I still couldn’t believe my ears. The idea was nihilistic.
“Newborn vampires are generally consumed with a single desire - the satisfaction of their thirst. Carnal urges generally take months to show up, well past a newborn’s first year in most cases.”
I was sure my shock showed on my face and registered in my voice. I wasn’t in control of my emotions, and even if I were, I don’t think I would have been able to hide my disbelief.
“Well, we both know I was never normal,” she teased, a light tinkling laugh following her statement.
While it was true that Bella never behaved as expected, the notion of her being that different from every other newborn that I’d heard mention of was almost derisory. What she claimed to be feeling seemed too abstract, even for Bella, and I was having great difficulty subsuming her yearning into her newly inherited vampirism. I took her tiny cheeks between my hands and caressed them, as if willing her skin to change it’s expression and reveal a truth that I could comprehend, one that matched the doctrine that I knew to be true.
I studied her features carefully. All traces of anger were gone from her face. She was not fearful or upset. She was simply my beautiful Bella, staring up at me with honesty and longing. My ability to resist her was waning with each moment.
“But, Bella,” I murmured, a final effort to dispute what she lay at my feet.
“You are the only thing I want,” she cooed demurely, each syllable shattering the remaining fragments of my holdback and disbelief. “I don’t want to feed. I don’t want to shower. I don’t want to play games. I just want to be with you.”
I stared back at her face, fixed on her eyes, and let what she was offering sink in. The look in her eyes, alone, was enough to persuade me. Beyond certitude and trust, she had the sultriest come hither look I’d ever seen her exhibit. She was irresistible, but then again, I didn’t really want to resist.
I wanted her to see what she did to me, reflected back by my eyes, so she would know, unquestionably, that she was exactly what I wanted, just as she was. I hesitated for a moment, letting my hands burn with the yearning to touch her, until I could see that she understood how reverent and grateful I was to her for the sacrifices she had made to be there with me in that moment, so she would know she was my reason for living.
Bending towards her slowly, I took the time to savour the spate of desire that ricocheted between us, swirling and crashing, and then brimming and cascading - an unbridled and errant rush of emotions and passion - because I knew there was no reason to make haste. I had nothing left to fear. I didn’t have to be afraid that I would never kiss her again, that I would ever physically hurt her, or lose her, or have to live without her. She was mine, for eternity, and I could take delight in every moment as it happened.
I braced myself for the surge of energy that would pass between us, and let my lips brush hers lightly. The sensation rippled through me, overtaking my senses in the most pleasurable way. Bella impatiently pulled my face towards hers and kissed me, holding my cheeks between her hands while her tiny fingertips tickled my skin. She was as gentle as a kitten in the way she held me; her lips were anything but. Bella never believed in holding back, and she projected every ounce of her desire in her kiss, giving all of her love to me and asking nothing in return.
I dropped my hands from her cheeks and gathered her into my arms, flattening my hands against her lower back and luxuriating in the throbbing undulation of our energy on my palms. I was delighted that our electricity was no lost in transformation. I was grateful even. I was grateful for a good many things, truthfully, not the least of which was the delightful creature in my arms, but also for her love and her goodness and her ability to accept the impossible. It finally dawned on me, in that moment, that because of that acceptance, I no longer had to hold back on anything. Her blood didn’t tempt me. She was no longer in danger from me. Not only was she no longer breakable, she was virtually indestructible. My mind exploded with prior imagined scenarios, and I pulled her body into mine joyfully. I didn’t know if it was the relief or the excitement, but I knew that I was going to enjoy every moment of touching her, like I’d never allowed myself to enjoy it before.
Her lips pressed against mine with urgency. They were insatiable; greedy and intense in a way that I not only understood but mirrored. I suppose it was the same for her as me; that the remnants of what we almost lost lingered in her mind - the fear that she’d never see me again, sickened by the notion of living without the vibrancy and potency of our connection, to never know this love again. That was how I felt, and that was what drove me to kiss her with such earnestness and avidity. My kiss said everything that I couldn’t, that I didn’t want to hold back, that I couldn’t get enough of her, that she was everything to me.
Bella pulled her body away from mine just enough to slide her hands between us. Her tiny fingers were at my waistband in an instant, and I couldn’t help but smile at her. Her kiss never lost its focus; her lips and tongue in tandem with mine, not missing a single beat. She would not have been capable of that sort of concentration in her human life, where her focus was exclusive. I could almost sense the expansion of her awareness, her instincts processing every facet of her environment and her body reacting to it without thought, all while her mind worked on a multitude of ponderings. She was easing into her new life so effortlessly it was almost unbelievable.
My fly was opened in mere moments, her fingers nimbly coaxing the buttons undone without difficulty.
“Bella,” I murmured, trying to resist the urge to give in, trying to fight the emotion I was being swept away in. “We don’t need to rush.”
It was as if I’d never spoken. She didn’t slow her actions. She didn’t even acknowledge my words. Her hands pushed aside the denim fabric of my jeans, pressing into my body until she disinterred both of my hipbones. I couldn’t pretend I didn’t enjoy her touch, but I still wanted her to slow down.
“We have forever,” I whispered.
“Argyle, Edward? Really?” she teased, ignoring my suggestion and yanking the sweater from my torso like she was insulted by it. Her lips came back at mine with even more verve.
Her tiny fingers hastened to the placket of my shirt. She didn’t even hesitate long enough to consider unbuttoning it, simply grasped the edges of the fabric and ripped it open. The small white buttons flew everywhere. I probably should have been a little insulted, or at the very least taken aback, but I was neither. I was nothing but turned on.
Her fingers skimmed over the skin of my arms as she coerced the shirt from my shoulders and let it drop to the floor. Between the pressure of her lips against mine, and her barely there touch on my skin, she had complete control of the situation. I wasn’t sure if she was being stubborn, or merely lacking the control to moderate her actions, only that I needed to change the prepotency of the situation.
I encircled her waist with my arms, pulling her weight into me and lifting her off the ground. My hands held her arms snugly against her body, intentionally confining them to keep her from removing anymore of my clothing. She squirmed against me, trying to wiggle her arms out of my grasp. It was endearing, even if the way she moved against my aroused body was capable of demolishing the scant and entirely inadequate amount of control I held.
“Edward, put me down,” she whined, pulling back from my kiss with a pout. Had it been genuine, the pout would have deliquesced my resolve, but her manipulation was transparent. She wanted what she wanted, and would use all of her devices to get it. As much as she wanted to rush this, I wanted us to take our time. I wanted to shower her with all of the adoration and worship she deserved, to show her just how much she meant to me. While her physical and emotional strength likely exceeded mine, her will did not.
“All in good time,” I cooed, burying my lips in her neck and kissing it persuasively. Her body still struggled against mine, but her head dropped back to expose more of her beautiful neck to me, and a tiny moan left her lips, half complaint, half gratification. My mouth meandered her skin, unconsciously gravitating towards the spot where I’d bitten her. The tiny mark generated by my teeth was gone, but I kissed the area lovingly nevertheless, in an effort to reassure myself that she’d forgiven me. Knowing was one thing, but forgiving myself was wholly another.
Not to be outdone, Bella wrapped her legs around my waist and used her tiny feet to force my jeans down further, trying to distract me by sucking on my lip amorously while she executed her plan. Her diversion did not work. I was wholly focused on the way her toes hooked the edge of the denim and dragged it down my body, caressing and exciting my bare skin as she moved. Somehow, she always managed to find a way to get what she wanted out of me, usually by delivering it in a way that made it impossible to resist her.
“No one could ever accuse you of being unenthusiastic,” I purred softly against her ear.
Bella shifted against me, proficiently working my jeans down far enough that they fell to my ankles. She repeated the gesture with my boxers, moiling diligently to accomplish her task as elastic band resisted her efforts, all while continuing to kiss me. It was an impressive maneuver, really, even if it humbled my efforts to thwart her. I had to admit that I felt complete when she was this close to me, and I was almost disappointed when she released her hold on my waist, at least until I felt her slender legs slide down my bare thighs, creating the most exquisite friction along my body as she moved.
I relinquished my hold on her arms, conceding that I’d lost the battle, but not the war. Her tiny hands smoothed over my chest, eventually tangling into the hair at the sides of my head.
“Never unenthusiastic,” she agreed, taking my bottom lip into her mouth and raking her teeth thoroughly along my flesh.
I lowered Bella’s body to the bathroom floor, and loosened my grip on her waist. She whimpered her complaint into our kiss.
“Never let me go,” she pleaded, hitching her right leg up on my hip and pressing against me.
The desperation in her voice was almost overwhelming, and my mind drifted back to the goodbye kiss we shared a mere three days ago, when I had felt the same suffocating desperation, fearing that I might lose her if she didn’t make it through transformation. I connected to the brokenness of that last kiss again - the fear, the sadness, the longing to put things back to what they were before everything between us became so urgently final - and I could feel something inside me begin to shift. I didn’t understand what, exactly, only that I was beholden to Bella for the opportunity to set things right between us.
“Never,” I echoed, letting my words ghost against her mouth, needing the touch of her sweet lips against mine to feel whole.
There was no space between our bodies, and I knew she could feel how aroused I was, but I didn’t want to try to hide it. The man that would have once found it inappropriate or forward was nowhere to be found, no longer a part of me. Maybe it was longing, or perhaps the desire to be honest with Bella about everything now that I had nothing to hide. I only knew that it felt right.
I moved my hand to cup Bella’s knee, planning to hold it to my hip, but Bella was faster than I was. She pulled away from my reach and knelt, ridding me of the clothing at my ankles, and then slithered back up on to her feet, smirking at me.
“Wouldn’t want you to trip,” she snarked, biting her lip while she held my gaze.
I grabbed her wrist and yanked her to me, relishing in the impact of our bodies as they met. She understood; I heard her sigh in relief, too.
“I don’t have to be quite as careful with you now,” I vindicated, pulling her face up towards mine and showing her what I meant with my kiss, smothering her lips with my own before plunging my tongue deeply into her mouth.
“I never asked you to be careful,” she whispered mischievously, dropping her head back and inviting my lips to her neck.
“You,” I murmured, kissing her shoulder. “Were too,” I continued in a soft voice, tracing her collarbone with my tongue. “Breakable,” I finished, blowing out a breath against her ear.
I watched solicitously for her reaction, holding my breath in anxious anticipation, longing desperately for it to be canonical. I needed to prove to myself that we had survived all of the changes untouched, to prove that my effect on her wasn’t situational, or a novelty of our relationship, or even some strange vampire human synergy.
To my great delight, she shivered, and it solidified the reality that we had persevered intact. What we brought in each other was still there, as it had always been. It was my power over her, and hers over me. It was love exchanged - given freely, without expectation of return, but returned tenfold. And its return wasn’t a choice; it was a need, a part of me. I couldn’t be complete without it, nor could she.
She pushed her chin against mine, using it to tilt my head back, and then ran her tongue along my jawbone, stopping every so often to suck or bite my skin. Her hands tensed in my hair, pulling it a small amount as she worked, enjoying her efforts as much as I was.
“Yeah, but what a way to go,” she teased.
“Please don’t joke about that,” I beseeched, pulling back from her so I could look at her while I explained the deeper meaning in my request.
Even though her countenance was serious, her eyes were softened in concern.
“You don’t know what it would have done to me if I’d hurt you…if I had killed you accidentally. It…it was always a possibility; I was so much stronger than you. I’m not sure I’ll ever forgive myself for putting you in danger that way. Even when I bit you to change you, there was a chance that you wouldn’t make it, and your death would have been on my hands. It was an impossible choice to make - to risk killing you so you wouldn’t die.”
“Edward, you have to forgive yourself,” she insisted quietly. “You made the right choice.”
She pressed her lips against mine again; sealing her admission with a conviction so strong only she was capable of it.
“I’m trying,” I promised, and I was trying. I wanted what she wanted, to put all of the negativity behind us and live every moment in love and happiness. For some reason though, I still hadn’t been able to forgive myself for what I had done, even though I felt there was no other option. I think it was because I knew the truth behind my choice, and the reality of it was that it was selfish, based on the acknowledgment that I could not live without her, and on the hope that she felt the same.
“Don’t try. Just believe.”
There was nothing but certainty in her eyes and I yearned to reflect that same certainty back at her. It shouldn’t have been a difficult thing to believe that my choice was the right one. I wanted nothing more than to believe her, to just let go of all of the pain and self-doubt and revel in the freedom of our love, but something was still holding me back.
“Just have faith, Edward,” she whispered.
Faith, something that seemed so innate and simple just a week ago, felt like a foreign concept now. It was easy to have faith in Bella, and in our love, but granting myself that same acceptance and conviction seemed impossible. I still felt undeserving of it.
As if she could sense my self-loathing, Bella reached up to caress my cheek, staring into my eyes with a gentle astuteness. She understood me better than I understood myself, and she knew exactly what I needed, even when I didn’t.
She pushed up on to her tiptoes, moving her tiny hands to cup the back of my neck, and the sensation overwhelmed me so fully that it left me feeling physically weak and unsteady. I had craved the feeling of her holding on to my neck for so many days, so afraid I would never feel it again, so sure I would never be worthy of it or deserve it after what I’d done.
“Edward,” she murmured, her voice as quiet as a gentle breeze. “It’s what I would have chosen myself if I could have, if I had known it was an option.”
Those few simple words that passed from her lips dissolved my doubts instantly. She wasn’t one to say something simply to placate someone. She always spoke the truth, and this truth was like a salvation for me, releasing me from the bonds of doubt and corradiating everything in my world into a single entity, Bella.
I was overcome, consumed by desperation to convey my love for her forthwith. I didn’t want to waste even another moment of time. My hands came to her cheeks and I kissed her forcefully, my actions surprising her and throwing her off balance. I just went with the motion. I couldn’t allow any space to come between us. I wouldn’t allow anything to ever come between us again.
We shuffled backwards until we thudded softly against the edge of the tub, but I wasn’t satisfied with our position. It wasn’t enough. I wouldn’t be sated until I could feel her pressed against me. I kissed her madly, grabbing her leg and pulling it towards my hip, urging her body closer with my other hand. Bella arched her back and tucked herself into my chest, needing the contact too. It still wasn’t enough. I needed more of her, and didn’t hesitate to take it, grasping the back of Bella’s upper thighs and scooping her into my arms. With her weight against my chest, I stepped us into the tub.
The hot water hit our bodies but I barely noticed it. I couldn’t focus fully until I sandwiched Bella against the tiles of the shower wall, crushing her breasts against my chest and pressing her legs open with my hips. Bella moaned softly, dropping her mouth to my neck to tease my skin with kisses. I was already panting, the friction of her body against mine the only antidote for my desire.
Something was happening deep inside of me; something gripping and powerful, and I could feel it taking hold. I searched for the words to explain the chaos of thoughts and feelings inside of me, but there were none that spoke my heart. The only eloquence I possessed was in my touch, so I used it, and hoped it said what my words couldn’t.
I left one hand under Bella’s thighs to support her body and let my other hand wander. Our skin was slick from the spray of the shower and my fingers trailed down the side of her body easily, caressing the edge of her breast, following the dip of her waist and the swell of her hip. When I hit her most sensitive spots, she arched her back towards me, rubbing her breasts against my chest to encourage the light pressure of my fingertips on her skin. I let my hand linger, repeating the gesture over and over, getting more and more turned on each time she pressed against me, and revelling in each tiny little whimper and moan that left her lips. Finally, I let my hands slide past her hips to grab and hold her bottom, fanning my fingers out along her forbidden flesh, and squeezed it in my palms.
Bella buried her face in my shoulder, trying to muffle the expletives that tumbled from her mouth. I squeezed her again, just to hear her uncontrolled reaction once more, and then lifted her towards me, bearing the weight of her body against my own once again. I shifted her to the other wall, directly under the stream of the shower, and she squeaked in delight as the hot water hit her shoulders and trickled down her back. She had always liked a hot shower, and now I certainly understood its appeal as well.
Bella adorned my shoulder with hot, wet kisses, slowly moving her mouth towards my neck. She halted at my collarbone, licking the tiny pool of water that had collected there, and then sucked my flesh lightly. My moan echoed off the shower walls, sounding louder than I intended it to, but I wasn’t exactly striving to control myself. She must have liked my reaction, dipping her head around mine and repeating her efforts on my other side. I shamelessly squeezed her bottom when I felt the suction of her mouth on my skin this time. The shower filled with the unison of our auricular resonations.
Her lips came back to mine, her tongue seeking entrance to my mouth, which she was granted without hesitation. She pulled my face towards hers and kissed me deeply, the water spilling gently down on us, somehow increasing the intensity of our connection. I didn’t think it was even possible to feel more turned on, but somehow the heat and moisture seemed to do just that.
I was still dissatisfied with our position, desperately craving the contact of our skin. I needed more physical connection to her, beyond my chest and shoulders. I needed to feel her on my hips and thighs and calves. I wanted her whole body pinned between the wall and me, so I could feel every bit of her against me. I slowly pulled my hands from underneath Bella, releasing my grip on her and letting her slide slowly down the tiles, holding her body to the wall with mine to control her movement. I wasn’t sure if her squawk was in response to the splendid friction of our bodies as they worked against one another, or a complaint because I let her go, but I chuckled quietly in rejoinder.
Her kiss never faltered; her lips an ever-present enticement that I couldn’t get enough of. With her feet safely on the floor of the tub again, I reached up to my neck and pulled her hands into mine, intertwining her tiny fingers with my own. Slowly, I eased her arms above her head, stretching them upwards to open her body fully to mine, and pressed my whole self against her. The contact was blissful, abating the force of my craving, but not the need I was drowning in. I wondered if she felt it too - the desperation, the hollowness, the bottomless desire for more. I needed more of her, still.
Bella whimpered softly against my lips, seemingly gratified by the position I held her in, pinned to the wall by my body, with her arms secured above her head. It was a position of trust, of authority, and of domination. I separated her hands from their pinion, spacing her arms apart while I shifted my fingers between hers longingly, trying to convey my love and desire. It wasn’t domination I was in search of; it was possession. I wanted to become one with her.
As our hands slid along the tiles, I felt cool metal pass along the outside edge of my hand - a showerhead, but not where I expected to find one. It distracted me. My eyes opened and darted to examine it. It was then that I vaguely recalled Esme’s insistence to renovate the bathroom, and the over the top shower head system she maintained just had to be installed, even if our cabin was ‘little used.’ I inwardly rejoiced in her persistence and set my thoughts in motion.
I took Bella’s lip into my mouth and sucked on it, hoping to distract her from the action of my hand, and discreetly pressed the button that turned on the extra showerheads. Warm water sprayed from everywhere, from more directions than seemed possible, and Bella gasped at the contact. Her eyes popped open and searched mine briefly, before they fluttered closed and she surrendered to me, a seductive smile on her lips. I knew then that we’d never make it out of that shower without connecting intimately.
I urged her body towards the showerheads on my left, compelling her until she was right against them and the water collided wildly with her skin. Bella dropped her head back from my kiss, moaning pleasurably as the hot spray kneaded her skin. I was almost envious of the liquid and the gratification it gave her, watching as the droplets bounced and ricocheted, dancing off of her skin in disorderly patterns. I wanted to be the only thing that could give her that much satisfaction, or at least to be a part of it.
I scooped Bella’s waist with one hand and palmed her breast wilfully with the other, holding it in front of the spray of the showerhead and letting the water assail her delicate nipple. Watching her reaction to the water and hearing her whimper served no useful purpose, only rendered me more desirous and impatient to touch her. I didn’t last long as a spectator, lowering my mouth to her breast and taking her nipple between my lips. She gasped throatily as I manipulated her flesh, twisting it and nipping at it gently. She tasted even better than I remembered.
I pined for her response to me in a frenzied fashion, needing it as proof that I was not alone in this, that she was having the same difficulty controlling her intensity as I was. Yearning for more of her sultry reactions, I flicked my tongue over her hardened peak. It made her moan harder, and caused the involuntarily thrusting my hips towards her.
Bella’s fingers tangled into my hair, tugging wildly, as I lavished her breasts with attention. With the proximity of our bodies and the way her arms curled around my head, keeping it tucked into her chest, the emotional intimacy I felt with her was extraordinary. Still, even with this incredible connection between us, I needed more from her. It felt like my whole body was throbbing, and I ached to take her.
“Bella,” I rasped, softly begging for her mercy.
She spoke no response to my plea, simply hitched her leg up on my hip and silently offered herself to me. I held her leg around my waist to secure her balance, and, unable to holdback any longer, bent my knees to position myself between her legs. With a shallow thrust, I entered her, dropping my head on to her shoulder and groaning. The rapture I felt being inside of her overtook me entirely. I couldn’t move; I just held tightly to her body and tried not to fall apart. There were no words that would adequately express how it felt. It was so much more than a physical connection. I was moved. I was affected. The connection to her healed and soothed me. Somehow she brought out the best in me, and the connection of our bodies made me so much more than what I was alone. It made me whole.
Bella held tightly to me as well, stilling her body and moving her hands to my shoulders, her fingers fiercely digging into my skin. She was uncharacteristically silent, and I lifted my head to look at her beautiful face, trying to gauge if she was as overwhelmed as I was. She seemed to be, but I spoke to her, just to be sure. I brought my lips close to her ear, so she’d hear me over the clatter of the shower, and murmured, “I love you.”
She opened her eyes to look at me and then slowly brought her lips to mine and kissed me, a soft kiss, that spoke of her love and devotion, which quickly morphed into something more intense and wanton, making sure I understood her urgent desire for me as well. It was the perfect Bella-esque way to tell me that she loved me too.
Bella’s leg tightened around me and she pulled herself towards me, tilting her hips upwards to take me deeper into her body. I gasped, unable to control my reaction to the sensation, and hugged her to my body in a desperate fashion. I was sure I’d underestimated her omnipotence. She could call things out in me that I didn’t even know existed, bewitching and controlling my every action and emotion, and I was powerless to stop her, wholly lacking the will to even try.
Everything around me seemed to be in slow motion - the water from the showerheads, the gentle astern dip of Bella’s head, the quiet sigh that left her lips - and I internalized each thing, savouring them in turn like I’d never appreciated anything before, letting myself feel every emotion I’d held back in the past. I was deluged by them, but not drowning. If anything, there was true freedom in it, knowing what she was capable of making me feel and what I hoped I made her feel, too.
I slid my hand further around her waist, still holding her leg to me, and began to move my hips in a slow and measured rhythm, kissing Bella with open eyes so I could watch her every reaction. She, too, was struggling with the power of our connection, breathless and anticipatory for each forward thrust. As I pressed into her, her body readied for the rush, tensing minutely before she relaxed into the pressure and sensation. I wondered where her mind was, and if she felt as swept away as I did, although I couldn’t find my voice to ask her. It was entombed somewhere deep inside me, silenced by the intensity of our intimacy.
It didn’t seem to matter what she did to me; everything imparted pleasure. Her giving lips pressed decadent refined kisses to my skin, her tiny fingers kneaded and pressed into me, her body shifted against mine with blessed fiery friction. Her response to me was just as rewarding, the way she dropped her head back when I tangled my fingers into her silky wet hair to encourage my fondling of it, the way she bit down on her lip when I moved inside of her, the muffled whimper when I pulled out. I wondered how I could have made love to her before and not fallen apart, how I could have possibly managed to fight successfully against her endowments and the power of our connection, and then rejoiced that I never had to battle either again.
The spray from the shower continued to rain down on us, hot and wet and pushing the limits of my sanity, heightening everything I was already influenced by. I was in control of nothing, not my emotions or intensity or my reaction to Bella, and I didn’t wish to be. It was the most exhilarating thing I’d ever experienced and I yearned for the helplessness to continue, for the inability to resist Bella and what she made me feel. I wanted to remain under the power of our connection, and be unable to forsake it.
Bella’s hands clutched at my neck and she pulled her body towards mine, wrapping her other leg around my waist. I eased her back against the tiles to steady her, curling my fingers around her hips for purchase to hold her in place, and thrust myself deeply inside of her. Bella’s response was a combination of a growl and a squeak, low and sexy and resonating, and affected my entire being. I withdrew and pushed into her again, even deeper, just to hear her make it again.
I leaned into her body, trailing kisses from her neck towards her navel, and resumed the shallow movement of my hips. I could sense her impatience as I explored her skin, but I couldn’t resist the temptation of her beauty, displayed so flawlessly in front of me. Bella tried to push her hips at me, but my hold on her prevented her from accomplishing her intended task, to take me deeper into her body again. She should have given me more credit and known that I would be prepared for her wiles, however, winning the game was payback enough. The reward was only made sweeter by the pout of her perfect pink lips, pushed out at me in perturbation. She didn’t like to lose, but I intended to give her what she craved soon enough.
I kissed her pouting mouth, tracing her lips with my tongue before sucking each lip into my mouth and raking my teeth over it. It was an action I never dared allow myself before, but one I hungered for relentlessly. When Bella did it to me, it always made me come undone, but while Bella was human, that sort of loss of control was dangerous and potentially catastrophic. Having my teeth anywhere near her fragile body could have been lethal. Now that she was just like me, I allowed myself the luxury and enjoyed every second of it, as well as Bella’s reaction. The significance of the act was not lost on her, and the highly erotic growl that she released assured me of that. She understood my urge and its significance, and delighted in my indulgence.
Her vocal encouragement spurred me on, and I forced my tongue into her mouth aggressively, dominating her kiss and trying to convey my still unfulfilled longing. I couldn’t get enough of her, sure that the climax of our union would leave me forever wanting more of her. My hips seemed to move of their own volition; unable to resist the friction and the way her love made me feel. I pinned her upper body against the tile with mine again, grunting and pressing into her body. The more she moaned, the more I wanted to repeat my actions to hear her moan again. The beauty of her reactions was blinding.
“Edward,” she murmured in quiet desperation, my name like an invitation to take us to the place we both wanted to go.
I slid my hands from Bella’s hips and gripped her buttocks, rebalancing her body against my chest. I held all the control in this position, and that control made me feel powerful. It made me feel like I was worthy of possessing her. Bella’s hands encircled my neck, her body pulled tightly to mine, and she surrendered her control to me. Her trust was awe-inspiring, and I promised myself that I would not stop tonight until I deserved that trust on every level.
I slowly pushed into her, using my hands to guide her hips towards my body, holding her body at the best angle for her pleasure. I knew I had it right; her body was completely relaxed and succumbed to my every manipulation, but Bella’s verbal verification confirmed it for me.
“Oh, God, yes,” she squealed in encouragement.
Her hands curled around my shoulders, pulling them forward to urge me to keep going. Her impatience only increased my want for her. I thrust into her again, doing my best to maximize the friction and penetration, squeezing her behind with my hands at the top of the thrust. She mirrored the pressure of my hands with hers, digging her fingers into my skin and dropping her head to my shoulder. A quiet sigh of satisfaction left her lips. It was marvellous to give her such pleasure, and it was only made better by the fact that it brought me pleasure too.
Continuing to maneuver her body with my hands, I thrust into her and pulled out of her time and time again. Every time I pulled out, I ached to connect with her again, and each time I re-entered her, I teetered closer to the point of no return. Bella raised her head and rested her cheek on mine, tangling her arms tightly together around my neck. I could hear her ragged pants and feel her breath against my ear. I knew I wouldn’t let myself come undone until Bella was thoroughly satisfied, but with each thrust that bargain became a greater challenge.
I shifted Bella into the center of the shower’s spray, so the shower would cover her in hot steamy water, and pushed myself into her again. She responded verbally with every forward movement now, although her answers were no longer understandable. Her words had deteriorated into broken syllables and noises.
I pinned her upper body to the tiles with my mine, craving the pressure of her form against me, yearning for the friction of our wet skin as we moved together and came apart, and using the hardness of the surface to hold her still against to secure it, just needing more of her in every way I could possibly glean. I could feel her nipples, peaked and hard against my skin, revelling in the delicious resistance they created as I dragged her body across my chest with each thrust. Bella just held tightly to me, and encouraged me with her tiny mews and whimpers.
It was becoming harder to stave off the end, partly because I desired it so strongly and partly because of Bella herself. Her very essence barraged my senses. I could smell her, taste her on my tongue, her moans filled my ears; she was everywhere I looked and touched. What I wanted more than anything was to just get lost in her, to drown in everything she had to offer and never come up for air again. The only thing that kept me from resisting was my desire to get lost in each other, together. I listened carefully to her responses, trying to gauge how close she was, because my hope that she would come right out and tell me was dwindling.
I was moving ever closer to coming apart. I couldn’t fully withdraw from her body any longer; the sensation was too acute and I risked loosing control before Bella was ready to climax if I did. Instead, I increased my pace and kept my thrusts shallow, hoping the friction would urge Bella on. It helped to decrease my endeavour, but things were beginning to pile up on me. The closeness of our bodies, the intimacy of our connection, the urgency, the desperation - the onslaught of everything was intensifying my struggle.
“Bella,” I moaned, straining against our movement, begging for her to respond. I needed to hear her voice to distract me.
“Edward, I can’t…” Her voice trailed off, her hands reaching for my forearms and gripping them tightly.
“I don’t know how much more of you I can take,” I admitted in a breathless rasp.
“Don’t stop,” she beseeched.
I had no intention of stopping, but hearing her request further weakened my resistance. My hands gripped the flesh of her derriere roughly as I worked to withstand what my body craved and give her what she needed. I focused my attention on her fingers, noting the ever-increasing tension in them, and hoped they reflected a state of almost attained climax. I pushed my hips against hers, pinning her bottom flat against the tiles. The hard surface made the sensations even more gratifying, and I thrust myself deeply into her, enjoying the way her pubic bone pressed into me.
“You’re going to make me come,” she whispered.
Her words represented the last of what I could countervail. My climax took over in a fraction of a second; I didn’t even have time to warn her.
“Bella,” I grunted, pushing my body against hers and grasping desperately at her. “Bella.”
I heard her sharp intake of breath and felt her fingers dig into my brachia, and innately knew she was beginning her orgasm. I let the waves of pleasure created by the connection of our bodies crash over me, thrusting once more as I felt her body contract around me.
“Fuck,” she moaned, her head dropping forward onto my shoulder as her body began to tense against mine. Her legs tightened around my waist and she pushed her hips at mine, indulging in the friction one last time to sweeten her climax.
At the same time, the world around me exploded. The strength of my orgasm was shattering, formed of pure fire or light - commanding and brilliant and encompassing. The sensations radiated from the core of my body, and overtook every part of me. I let go into it, unable and unwilling to fight or resist it. I just held tightly to Bella, as she did to me, and let it barrage me. I truly didn’t care if I ever recovered from it.
The exchange of our union was unparalleled, more intense and more intimate than anything I had even imagined. I hoped she felt the same metaphysical weightlessness that I did. I wasn’t ready to open my eyes or break our physical connection. I never wanted it to end; I wanted to stay lost in Bella forever, drowning in perpetual love and devotion. She would always be everything I would ever need.
Slowly, the sensations dwindled, and my body relaxed into a state of pure bliss. Bella’s legs slowly slid down my body, changing her balance and causing her to shift in my arms. I was already mournful of the loss of the closeness of our bodies. I had been so caught up in her that I had forgotten everything else around me, including the water. It continued to rain gently down on us. It was comforting and soothing, like wrapping yourself in a warm blanket, and made letting go of what we’d just experienced a little more tolerable.
I fully emerged from the aftereffects of my climax to Bella’s lips on mine, soft and reverent, sensual and giving, a thank you of sorts for the experience we’d just shared.
“Sorry,” she offered in a quiet whisper against my lips. “I didn’t mean to rush you. I couldn’t help myself.” There was no regret or disrespect in her voice, just honesty and forthrightness.
“I understand,” I assured her. Probably better than she could imagine.
“Do you?” she questioned. I could hear the disbelief in her tone.
“I thought I was being selfish for wanting to be with you like this after you’d already endured such enormous changes in transformation. I didn’t dream you’d be yearning for it too.” An understanding smile lit her gentle face. “It was overwhelming to realize that we were free to love one another, that there were no longer any physical, emotional or psychological holdbacks between us. I’ve never known a truer freedom. I wanted to take things slowly, to shower you in adoration and prove my devotion to you.”
“But you don’t have to prove anything to me,” she protested. “You know that, right?”
“I do,” I assured her, pausing for a moment to collect my thoughts. “I was so entirely overwhelmed by my desire to convey my love to you that I was swept away in the urgency between us. I thought my gratefulness to you was the driving force behind the urgency, a requital for your forgiveness and goodness, and for all of the burdens that you accepted so selflessly, even though they were forced on to you without your permission, but it wasn’t that.”
“Well what was it then?” she asked timidly.
“In the middle of loving you, I began to comprehend that it is just the nature of the bond between us. We both understand that what we have is special and rare, and have an even truer appreciation of the other because we came so close to losing one another. Because of that appreciation, our eternity will be defined by the knowledge of what life would be like without the other. Even though we literally have forever, every time we give our love to one another, it will be given with the emotion and urgency of a final gift. We will always love like we’re living in our last few moments together.”
“That’s a beautiful way to put it. I would have just said we were horny,” she teased.
I smirked at her intentional stab at my revelation, knowing it was taken only because the idea hit a little too close to home. I couldn’t hold it against her. After everything she’d been through in the last week, I was not about to force more emotion on her.
“Or that,” I agreed, laughing with her. I urged her head towards mine and kissed the top of it softly. “We should get you dried off and warmed up before you freeze to death,” I suggested.
“Is it cold?” she wondered. “I didn’t notice.”
“The water is warm enough I suppose, but much closer to tepid compared with the normally sweltering temperature of your showers,” I teased.
“I don’t need the heat now that I’m not sleeping with an iceberg,” she snarked.
“Or perhaps because you’ve become one too,” I suggested playfully.
“Hey, you owe me one uninterrupted cuddle session!” she exclaimed excitedly.
“I do, do I?”
“Yes, one where you don’t try to separate us by blankets or make me get dressed,” she informed me.
“And would you like that right now?” I wondered.
“Yes, please.”
I bent towards her and slid my hand around the back of Bella’s legs, scooping her into my arms. It was our perennial, familiar position, but it still brought me great joy to feel her hands slip around my neck and hold on. She kicked at the tap decidedly, pushing the knob to shut off the shower, and grinned at me. I think she liked being in my arms as much as I liked having her there.
“Are there other rules?” I inquired as I carried her to the bed.
“Rules?” she asked.
“Things I am or am not allowed to do to you while we lie in bed together.”
“Well that’s a loaded question if I’ve ever heard one,” she joked.
I should have known how she would take my thought, given the mood she was in.
“Am I allowed to hold you? To lay my hands on you? To kiss you?” I inquired.
“Didn’t you just do that?” she teased, smirking.
I had forgotten how difficult it could be to get a straight answer from Bella.
“Okay. Let me rephrase. What would you like me to do during this ‘cuddle session,’ as you put it? What sort of contact were you seeking?”
I placed her gently on to the bed, pulling the covers over her body, and sat down softly beside her to wait for her answer.
“I just want to be close to you,” she admitted. “I want to feel you relaxed beside me, to curl up against your side and drown in the contact, just to prove this is all real.”
“It’s very real,” I assured her quietly.
“Then come here,” she requested, patting the bed beside her.
“I can’t promise I’ll be on my best behaviour,” I told her honestly. “I can’t promise I’ll keep my hands to myself.”
“You don’t have to. I just want to feel you near me.”
I began to slide in next to her, and she flipped the covers away from her body to make room for me.
“No covers though,” she stated decidedly. “I don’t want anything to come between us.”
“I promise you that I won’t let anything ever come between us again.”
I couldn’t keep the intensity out of my voice. It was a promise that I intended to keep at all costs.